Being unemployed and all, I've spent a lot of time with my dog Rocky the last couple of months and with the summer winding down I thought I would take the time to mention some things that I've observed about him. Enjoy.
1. Does he like sleeping in his "house" i.e. his cage. Or if given his druthers would he sleep on the couch?
2. Does he know he's a dog? Or does he think he's something else?
3. When he barks to another dog are they actually talking coherently to each other or are they just making loud noises in the direction of one another like in that scene from Anchorman?
4. Does he mind going to the bathroom with somebody watching? I know I can't go at a urinal when someone's nearby. Does he feel the same way?
5. When he sees me wake up at 2 pm does he think to himself, 'what a lazy piece of shit'?
6. If I go out and leave the tv on for him would he have a preference of what channel to watch? He's gotta prefer me leaving sportscenter on as opposed to Mark leaving the history channel on.
7. Does he worry about something being unsanitary before he picks it up and puts it into his mouth? Probably not since he's always chewing on my dirty socks but you never know.
8. If he could speak to us what would he say?
9. Does he mind always walking around on a leash? Does he feel like his civil rights are being violated?
10. Does he think about one day reuniting with his biological mother and father and other siblings? Or does he really think he's one of us?
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Monday, September 05, 2005
Labor Day Blues
Just writing this is bringing a tear to my eye because as we all know Labor Day unofficially marks the end of summer. It's probably the saddest holiday of the year not counting your birthday if no one remembered, Halloween if you don't have a costume, and Valentine's day if your single.
Come to think of it all holidays suck but Labor Day really does in particular. Partly because it's incorrectly labeled (Labor day should really be what we call birth days) but primarily because it signifies that the winter, with it's flu season, ice buildup on your windshield, and iceballs thrown by punk teenagers is right around the corner.
In the fall the temperatures are perfect and the scenery once the leaves start to turn colors sure is breathtaking. But all things being equal I'll take the similar temperatures in the spring time any day of the week. Because at least then you have the whole summer to look forward to. Labor day on the other hand brings with it the thought of the coming bleak winter which just depresses you.
Despite being even more of a kill joy than the groundhog who doesn't see his shadow Labor Day is good for one thing: thinking back to all the good times you had this summer.
Which for me was getting fired, not finding another job since then, not having a summer fling, having my life story told in the 40 Year Old Virgin even though I didn't receive any royalties, having my idea for a movie about my softball team ripped off by Artie Lang from the Howard Stern Show, and coming to the realization that I am a bitter old man trapped in a 23 year old's body.
But that's just me. How was your summer?
Come to think of it all holidays suck but Labor Day really does in particular. Partly because it's incorrectly labeled (Labor day should really be what we call birth days) but primarily because it signifies that the winter, with it's flu season, ice buildup on your windshield, and iceballs thrown by punk teenagers is right around the corner.
In the fall the temperatures are perfect and the scenery once the leaves start to turn colors sure is breathtaking. But all things being equal I'll take the similar temperatures in the spring time any day of the week. Because at least then you have the whole summer to look forward to. Labor day on the other hand brings with it the thought of the coming bleak winter which just depresses you.
Despite being even more of a kill joy than the groundhog who doesn't see his shadow Labor Day is good for one thing: thinking back to all the good times you had this summer.
Which for me was getting fired, not finding another job since then, not having a summer fling, having my life story told in the 40 Year Old Virgin even though I didn't receive any royalties, having my idea for a movie about my softball team ripped off by Artie Lang from the Howard Stern Show, and coming to the realization that I am a bitter old man trapped in a 23 year old's body.
But that's just me. How was your summer?
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Week in Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
I'm glad the Beauty and the Geek casting call went off without a hitch. Billy had me worried that they were going to take advantage of me and make a jacket out of my skin. Or more likely in my case, a sweater.
Why is possession 9 tenths of the law? Doesn't it only have to be 5.1 tenths of the law in order to prove ownership?
During the week I received a call from a telemarketer whose name sounded like it was Sierra Mist. I didn't order what she was selling but I did go out and buy a soft drink after I got off the phone with her.
Corny joke of the week: When my cousin Paige asked if anyone knew why ducks fly in a V formation I said it was so that they can score goals. (Nobody got it.)
Entourage's Ari Gold had the line of the week when talking to his assistant he said, "Lloyd, go into my office and pack everything up. And I mean everything. If you see a spiked paddle, an executioner's mask, and handcuffs you don't think. You just pack that bitch up. Chop sui."
If you could pick any name for youself what would it be? I think I would go with either Chad, Chadford, or Chadwick. Don't ask.
Speaking of names I found out that my mom was going to name me Pamela if I was a girl.
Countdown to the start of softball season: 7 days
Countdown to the start of Lost: 17 days
I'm glad the Beauty and the Geek casting call went off without a hitch. Billy had me worried that they were going to take advantage of me and make a jacket out of my skin. Or more likely in my case, a sweater.
Why is possession 9 tenths of the law? Doesn't it only have to be 5.1 tenths of the law in order to prove ownership?
During the week I received a call from a telemarketer whose name sounded like it was Sierra Mist. I didn't order what she was selling but I did go out and buy a soft drink after I got off the phone with her.
Corny joke of the week: When my cousin Paige asked if anyone knew why ducks fly in a V formation I said it was so that they can score goals. (Nobody got it.)
Entourage's Ari Gold had the line of the week when talking to his assistant he said, "Lloyd, go into my office and pack everything up. And I mean everything. If you see a spiked paddle, an executioner's mask, and handcuffs you don't think. You just pack that bitch up. Chop sui."
If you could pick any name for youself what would it be? I think I would go with either Chad, Chadford, or Chadwick. Don't ask.
Speaking of names I found out that my mom was going to name me Pamela if I was a girl.
Countdown to the start of softball season: 7 days
Countdown to the start of Lost: 17 days
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Further Proof That I'm A Fantasy God
I just completed a fantasy draft in which my two worlds, Baldwin and NU, collided. The results were scary. Just look at this team I assembled with the #6 overall pick.
QB - Carson Palmer
RB - Willis McGahee
RB - Kevin Jones
WR - Terrell Owens
WR - Nate Burleson
WR - Lee Evans
TE - Jeremy Shockey
DEF - Buffalo/Philadelphia
K - John Kasay
If you don't know anything about football just know that the team listed above is probably a whose who of break out players for 2005. If they all hold true to form the league name, Craig's a Fantasy God, will hold up.
I'm pretty sure it will. After all it just did in baseball where I have an insurmountable 20 point lead.
But what's even better are some of the team names in this league:
Ilikecraig'schesthair
Shames' protege
Craig's mancrushes
Winning a league is one thing. Having some team names pay homage to you while you trash talk them is another.
This is gonna be great.
QB - Carson Palmer
RB - Willis McGahee
RB - Kevin Jones
WR - Terrell Owens
WR - Nate Burleson
WR - Lee Evans
TE - Jeremy Shockey
DEF - Buffalo/Philadelphia
K - John Kasay
If you don't know anything about football just know that the team listed above is probably a whose who of break out players for 2005. If they all hold true to form the league name, Craig's a Fantasy God, will hold up.
I'm pretty sure it will. After all it just did in baseball where I have an insurmountable 20 point lead.
But what's even better are some of the team names in this league:
Ilikecraig'schesthair
Shames' protege
Craig's mancrushes
Winning a league is one thing. Having some team names pay homage to you while you trash talk them is another.
This is gonna be great.
Friday, September 02, 2005
More Katrina Thoughts
So last night I dreamt that I was caught looting Big Pretzels. Just goes to show how much this disaster has affected me as well as how much I like Big Pretzels. Damn, they're good. But I digress. I wanted to talk some more about the relief efforts. Here are some more of my random thoughts about the worst natural disaster in our nation's history:
I think the people who will benefit the most from this are the people that were homeless before this disaster. Now everyone's in the same boat. Now everyone's homeless. There's no way to differentiate between who was homeless before and who is now. Now everyone will be lumped together as refugess and cared for, assuming they can get out of the affected areas. In an ideal situation the people who were homeless before will come out of this better than they went into it and that's some good news at least.
What's the point of President Bush doing a walk through of the affected areas? I get it. He wants to look like he's doing something. But here's a thought. You will look like you're being more productive if you were locked away in a room all day. That way you could say hey I'm too busy to talk to the press or make public appearances because I'm coordinating the relief efforts. Meanwhile he could be playing XBox and we'll never be the wiser.
Jokes at this time are just completely inappropriate. I heard that Booker from KROCK said that the worst part about this is that there's not going to be a place anymore to make girls gone wild videos. No Booker the worst part about this is all of the people starving to death on national tv.
I also don't think that they should try to rebuild New Orleans. They should say that they will to keep up hope and morale. But in all praticality in doesn't seem plausible or even logistically possible. I'm not even sure if they'll ever be able to get the water out.
Just wondering but where do the reporters and national guard troops get their food, water, and shelter during a crisis?
If you national weather service knew the hurricane was coming how come the Bush administration didn't?
I would say that I'm 75% sure that I now want to join FEMA or another disaster relief agency. I think I may have finally found my calling.
I think the people who will benefit the most from this are the people that were homeless before this disaster. Now everyone's in the same boat. Now everyone's homeless. There's no way to differentiate between who was homeless before and who is now. Now everyone will be lumped together as refugess and cared for, assuming they can get out of the affected areas. In an ideal situation the people who were homeless before will come out of this better than they went into it and that's some good news at least.
What's the point of President Bush doing a walk through of the affected areas? I get it. He wants to look like he's doing something. But here's a thought. You will look like you're being more productive if you were locked away in a room all day. That way you could say hey I'm too busy to talk to the press or make public appearances because I'm coordinating the relief efforts. Meanwhile he could be playing XBox and we'll never be the wiser.
Jokes at this time are just completely inappropriate. I heard that Booker from KROCK said that the worst part about this is that there's not going to be a place anymore to make girls gone wild videos. No Booker the worst part about this is all of the people starving to death on national tv.
I also don't think that they should try to rebuild New Orleans. They should say that they will to keep up hope and morale. But in all praticality in doesn't seem plausible or even logistically possible. I'm not even sure if they'll ever be able to get the water out.
Just wondering but where do the reporters and national guard troops get their food, water, and shelter during a crisis?
If you national weather service knew the hurricane was coming how come the Bush administration didn't?
I would say that I'm 75% sure that I now want to join FEMA or another disaster relief agency. I think I may have finally found my calling.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Katrina Thoughts
Since I can't stop thinking about the Hurricane aftermath I might as well blog about it for another day. Here are some of my random thoughts:
How come they don't use cruise ships to house the refugees? Cruise ships are like floating cities and could house and feed hundreds of people for a sustained period of time. Doesn't that sound better than piling them into cramped sports arenas?
Or what about housing people at old military bases that were closed down. There are barracks and eating facilities that can be used to shelter, feed, and provide the basic necessities of life for the refugees. So how come no one is mentioning this?
How come people who evacuated New Orleans before the storm hit can't get into the Astrodome? Officials are saying it's only for those coming from the Superdome. But what's the point of that? Shouldn't people who heeded the warnings be taken care of as well? If not more so than those who were too foolish to leave?
How come officials are more concerned with stopping the leavee breaches, which they probably won't be able to do, than with getting the people out of New Orleans or at least getting supplies to them?
How come the NFL hasn't rescheduled the Saints first few home games yet? They're taking a wait and see approach like there's a chance they can still get the games in. Are you kidding me? The city will be under water for three months. Just move the games already.
How come Congress doesn't call a special session. Why do they have to wait until they are back in session before they can do something? Get off your asses and do something already.
Same thing for President Bush. Why wait three days before you say something? Do something already.
And where's NUMA been throughout all of this?
How come they don't use cruise ships to house the refugees? Cruise ships are like floating cities and could house and feed hundreds of people for a sustained period of time. Doesn't that sound better than piling them into cramped sports arenas?
Or what about housing people at old military bases that were closed down. There are barracks and eating facilities that can be used to shelter, feed, and provide the basic necessities of life for the refugees. So how come no one is mentioning this?
How come people who evacuated New Orleans before the storm hit can't get into the Astrodome? Officials are saying it's only for those coming from the Superdome. But what's the point of that? Shouldn't people who heeded the warnings be taken care of as well? If not more so than those who were too foolish to leave?
How come officials are more concerned with stopping the leavee breaches, which they probably won't be able to do, than with getting the people out of New Orleans or at least getting supplies to them?
How come the NFL hasn't rescheduled the Saints first few home games yet? They're taking a wait and see approach like there's a chance they can still get the games in. Are you kidding me? The city will be under water for three months. Just move the games already.
How come Congress doesn't call a special session. Why do they have to wait until they are back in session before they can do something? Get off your asses and do something already.
Same thing for President Bush. Why wait three days before you say something? Do something already.
And where's NUMA been throughout all of this?
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