Without further adieu here's a look at what I've been up to:
1. I got into a pretty bad car accident when I was driving back to NY from Florida. My car flipped several times and I wound up in a swamp on the side of the road. A lot of people have asked me what was going through my mind while I was in mid-air. And while it may be hard to believe the answer is: Josh Johnson. Johnson is a pitcher on the Florida Marlins who was pitching two days after my accident. And no joke I actually said to myself, "if I die who is going to check my fantasy teams and make sure that I have Josh Johnson starting?"
2. While I was down in Florida a temp agency that I went to offered me a job as an importer-exporter. It actually wasn't that bad of an offer. Decent pay, benefits, the whole nine yards. I would work at the airport on a night shift. However, I immediately said no.
My reasoning? The George Costanza comparisons were already running rampant. Everything from my dream job of working for the Yankees to the overflowing wallet. All that's been missing is about fifty pounds and a receding hairline. I don't think that I could have taken the comparisons if I also wound up working as an importer-exporter even if I didn't refer to myself as Art Vandalay.
3. Some things just aren't meant to be. I found that out after attempting to start a South Florida Writing Club. The group would have met weekly and would have been a forum for people to pitch script ideas and get feedback on their work. It would have been like a book club minus the soccer moms and metrosexuals.
However, on the night of our first meeting I went by the restuarant that we were going to meet at and much to my dismay the windows were boarded up! Just hours before we were going to launch my club and the restaurant had closed its doors to business! The club, suffice it to say, never met.
4. On the other hand, some things are too good to be true. For instance. What if someone was to tell you that you could make $10,000 tax free, not pay rent for three years, and have sex with a hot girl who just so happens to have a thing for 'jewish guys' anytime you wanted? Sounds good, right?
Well, there's always a catch or rather in Florida there's always someone looking to get married for a green card. I was offered such a deal from a nice girl from Colombia named Monica. Of course I said no. After all, if you thought that living in your parent's basement cramped your style, try bringing a girl home when you're married!
5. If wealth was determined by how much common sense you have I would be a single mother raising three kids by herself while working at a car factory in suburban Detroit. You see, during a softball game last summer I thought it would be a good idea to 'wait out' a passing storm by standing out in centerfield rather than going do the dugout like everyone else. I was certain that it was just a sun shower and that play would resume momentarily. I thought that I was going to come off looking smooth.
Instead I came off looking like your cat after it accidentally fell asleep in your washing machine on wash day. Not only that but my wallet and cell phone got soaked because my bag was directly underneath where the water was coming down off of the top of the dugout. So much for looking smooth.
6. A few months ago I went up to Boston to visit my sister who was running in her first half marathon. Keep in mind that she didn't play any sports growing up unless you count trigonometry as a sport. It is after all about as much of a sport as golf is. But anyway, she trained hard, and did a great job, finishing the whole race in about an hour and half and not even stopping once!
While I was standing at the finish line, catching my breath after the long walk from the t station, I begin to reminisce about the time that I ran a half marathon. Now keep in mind that at the time I attempted to run it, I was in the military and in the best shape of my life. Which makes it all the more amazing that I finished in 2 and a half hours, after getting rescued by a search party, but not before getting chased for dear life by a stray dog after I wandered off course. I came in second to last, only finishing ahead of a parapalegic who tried to hop the whole way.
7. My friend Brian and I recently coached a PAL basketball team of 12 and 13 year olds. After starting out 0-2 we got on a roll and made it the championship game, where unfortunately we lost on a last second buzzer beater from near half court!!! It was a great season although not for my psyche. It's kind of hard to show your face in public after losing in a one on one game to a 12 year old....when you're trying your hardest. That's almost as bad as the team I got schooled at the beach club by a 65 year old man with a deadly hook shot.
8. I'm sure you're all dying to hear what's going on with the ladies. And so I shall oblige. In the last ten months I've run the gauntlet of human emotions. I've had someone ask me to marry them (Monica) and I've asked someone else to marry me. (Allison, the offer still stands) I've fallen in love (Brittany Snow after watching John Tucker Must Die) and become a scorned ex (Brittany Snow after not returning my phone calls). I've searched for love online (jdate, myspace, craigslist, etc.) and while standing in line. (At publix) Unfortunately, love has alluded me thus far.
9. But nothing takes the cake or should I say the turkey like the now infamous Round Up incident. What had happened was that I was dating this girl from my softball league. We went on 2 previous dates and nothing happened. So now we're on that third date deadline of having to hook up before officially falling into the friend zone or as I like to call it, Craigland.
The night was going well and things soon progressed to my apartment after my roommate Brian offered up some of my left over Turkey from Thanksgiving as a late night snack. Leave it to Brian to seal the deal for me. This should be the part of the story where you put the kids to bed because things are about to get x rated. Instead it's the part of the story where you shake your head in disbelief and yell out, Craig!!!!!
That's because after my date returned from the bathroom I announced that it was getting late and that we should probably start heading back to her place. Suffice it to say that was the longest car ride of my life. And it only lasted fifteen minutes.
Other things you may have missed:
I went out to eat at Chilis for my birthday when I was down in Florida with a few friends. Only problem is that I gave my friend Kevin directions to the wrong Chilis! He finally joined up with us an hour later! And was not to happy about it. Especially when we didn't have any more room at our table for him and his girlfriend and they had to sit at the next table over!
Speaking of Kevin we went out on his boat once. It was a beautiful day and we were able to drop anchor at a sand bar and hang out. But then all of a sudden, as is often the case in Florida, the heavens opened up and we were suddenly in the middle of a tempest. We had to make our way back to the dock which was a few miles away. And of course our motor was broken and we could only go like 5 mph!! I feared for my life on more than one occassion. Which begs the question: Kevin when can we go out on your boat again?
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