I Hate Jdate

There are a lot of things that I hate. Red Sox fans for one. A hint of strawberry getting mixed in with the vanilla and chocolate when I eat neapolitan ice cream for another. But there is nothing that I hate right now more than jdate.

I know that may come as a shock to those of you who know me. But it's true. Online dating, the so-called savior of shy guys like myself, is in actuality the bane of my existence. If jdate was a real person it would be my arch rival nemesis. It would be the Heidi Montag to my Lauren Conrad. And yes I did just go there.

The reason for my discontent is simple. No one will talk to me!!!! Maybe it's because my annual income is listed as "tell you later" as in much, much, much later. Or perhaps it's because my last name isn't Goldberg. Who knows. All I know, is that the fishes in the sea of jdate aren't interested in my bait. And it's not like I'm fishing for a 30 pound tuna here. I'd settle for some catch and release action at this rate. But that's not even working out.

The irony of all of this is that I'm the worst Jew of all time. I'm not religious, I hate jewish food, I will never be caught dead going to temple, and I don't think that Adam Sandler is funny. If I hadn't been circumcised there would be no proof that I was even ever Jewish. I would be a horrible catch for a girl that's looking to settle down with a nice Jewish guy. But they don't know that!!! And that's what gets me. These girls should be viewing the profile of a nice, cute guy who for all intents and purposes appears to be a good catch. Reality will tell a whole different story all together but at the very least these girls should be exicted to talk to me. But no dice. It's almost as if they can sense my lack of Jewishness through the computer. I just don't get it.

The worst is when a cute girl views your profile and then never bothers to contact you. It would be one thing if someone decided that they didn't like me after meeting me but these people decided that they didn't like me based on a few sentences in my profile. Which is shocking since the profile is the best thing that I have to offer. It's witty. It highlights my good attributes, all three of them. It downplays my idiosyncrasies and insecurities. It showcases the best pictures ever taken of me, most of which are from a few years ago when I didn't have a receding hairline.

Quite frankly girls should be knocking down my door after reading it and then running out the door after actualy meeting me. It just doesn't make any sense. But what's even worse than that is my lack of success with getting girls to talk to me on instant messenger. Rule #1 when talking to a girl online or anywhere for that matter is to come up with something thoughtful to say and not just use some corny pickup line. And I'll have you know that I go to get lengths to read each girl's profile and then say something witty.

For instance, this one girl said that she wanted to meet a guy that she could share a bagel with. So, when I messaged her I said that I like pumpernickel bagels with margarine and then asked her if she wanted to share one with me. Sounds good right? A good way to break the ice? A funny story to tell the grandkids? Not even close. No response.

It's unbelievable. All I want to do is to meet a girl through jdate and go on one date with her. It doesn't even have to be a good date. It could even be the worst date of all time, complete with an awkward ass out hug at the end of the night.

A lack of sexual chemistry? Sure, why not! Awkward pauses? Of course! Inadvertenly saying something stupid to ruin the mood? Undoubtedly!! Failing to pick up on the signs? Goes without saying! Pee stain on my khakis after returning from the bathroom? Where do I sign up?

It can be all those things and more. It could even be worse than the time I went on a blind date and wished I was blind. It doesn't matter. All I want is one date before I have to start wearing a keepa to cover up all my bald spot. Or at least before my membership expires. Whichever comes first.