The Gospel According To Me

Contrary to popular belief I actually say a lof of smart things. It's a gift really. The only problem is that when the only skill you have is making quirky observations you're not going to get very far in life. That's why it pays to have actual skills and talents. Since I don't my powers of observation will have to do. Here are three of my most recent assertions that I think you will be hard pressed to disagree with:

1. Ben Stiller is only good as a character actor - Ben, one of the leading members of the Frat Pack that also consists of Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Will Ferrell, and Jack Black just can't hack it when he plays a regular guy in a movie. Considering a body of work that includes movies like Along Came Polly, Duplex, Meet the Fockers, and Greed it's amazing that Stiller even has a good reputation. Yet it's because of his greatness in movies in which he plays created characters that he's earned his stripes. I mean if it wasn't for his roles in Zoolander, Starsky and Hutch, and especially Dodgeball would we even care for Mr. Costanza's real son?

2. Paul Tagliabue is the best commissioner in sports - He realigned the leagues, negotiated labor peace, expanded to several new cities, got the NFL a very lucrative tv deal, added instant replay, created a league in Europe, and even put the XFL out of business. Considering that under his stewardship football surpassed baseball as America's national pasttime it's safe to say that he's the best. And when you consider that his competition includes Bud Selig whose ruining baseball, Gary Bettman who shut down the NHL for a year, and mini me David Stern whose more incomponent than an old man is impotent. Tagliabue would be the best by default but even against good competition he's still the best.

3. John McCain will be the next President - He's technically a Republican so the fact that there are more red states than blue states helps him right off the bat. Throw in the fact that he's going up against a weak field of Democratic candidates including Al Gore, Howard Dean and Hillary Clinton and he's practically a shoo-in. A near lock when you add in the fact that he's a war hero and one of the leading proponents of campaign finance reform. He even has a president sounding name. And you can take that to the bank.

Here are some more assertions that are undeniably true:

It rains a lot in Seattle.

The Free Masons actually run the world.

The world will end in 2035.

The Yankees don't suck.

When someone says it's raining cats and dogs they don't mean it literally.

Milk will go sour after it's expiration date not before.

It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter.

Reading is fundamental.

The NBA is fan-tastic!

What goes around comes around. Especially when having a catch with a boomerrang.

It's better to give than to receive unless you're talking about oral sex.