Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

What's up with a two drink minimium at a comedy club? Why not just charge more at the door? Or why not make it a food minimium? That I would prefer. That way I don't have to miss the show when I keep getting up to go the bathroom. I mean my bladder is smaller than a midget's penis. I can't hold down two drinks in an hour. It's not that I mind paying the $10 or so. I'll glady pay it. In fact, I'd prefer to just give the club $10. Just have someone walk around with a collection plate like at church. I wouldn't mind. But two drinks in a hour? That's crazy talk.

I don't get why in baseball they call the act of taking an extra base a stolen base. Stealing to me implies that after the runner reaches the base he picks up and runs off the field with it. How you can steal something and then not take it with you I don't know. But I sure hope if my house ever gets robbed that it's by a baseball player.

I really hate pant erections. You'll be out on a date and a really hot girl will walk by and the next thing you know you're wearing your drink because you're date looked down and noticed that you had an erection. A guy sitting near by will say to you, 'don't worry pal it happened to me too.' And the worse part of it will be that you didn't actually have an erection. It just looked like you did because of the way your pants folded up in your crotch. It would be one thing if you actually had an erection but I better not get in trouble for having a pants erection! I wonder how many marriages pants have ruined?

I don't know what it is about the name Beatrice but whenever I hear I feel like changing it to Biatchice.

In case you didn't hear I get a temp job at a publishing company. I still don't know anything about the publishing business but since they publish scientific textbooks I'm now an expert in the bioavailablity of carotenoids from vegetables as opposed to supplements.

In the words of Dave Roll, 'even a blind squirrel finds a nut.'

Does anybody else have trouble following the logic in that Dwayne Wade commercial? The slogan says, 'fall down seven times, stand up eight'. But if you fall down seven times don't you only have to stand up seven times?

Timing is everything in life. Friday night I was talking to Brian about how the Yankees might actually be better off without Hideki Matsui and Gary Sheffield because it will force them to play small ball and manufacture runs. As we're talking the Yankees score pops up and shows that they won 2-0 in Oakland. So I say, 'see I told you so. Small ball.' And just as the words are coming out of my mouth we see that the Yankees scored their two runs on two solo homeruns. My foot is still inserted inside my mouth.

When I first moved in I hung up a towel rack in my bathroom. I was so proud of myself but it's already fallen down. Bob Villa I am not. In fact, I think that Handy Man from In Living Color is handier than I am.