First off, let me just apologize to the five people that actually read this blog that I haven't had a new issue in a few weeks. My plan to produce bi weekly issues that were thematic in nature has fallen by the wayside just like my plans to start a career, live on my own, be independently wealthy by 30, get married, raise a family, become general manager of the New York Yankees, etc.
But have no fear as I have returned with issue #3!! A much shorter version I may add as quite frankly I'm just too damn lazy to come up with content even when given one month to do so. Enjoy!!!
Sunday, June 08, 2008
I Hate Jdate
There are a lot of things that I hate. Red Sox fans for one. A hint of strawberry getting mixed in with the vanilla and chocolate when I eat neapolitan ice cream for another. But there is nothing that I hate right now more than jdate.
I know that may come as a shock to those of you who know me. But it's true. Online dating, the so-called savior of shy guys like myself, is in actuality the bane of my existence. If jdate was a real person it would be my arch rival nemesis. It would be the Heidi Montag to my Lauren Conrad. And yes I did just go there.
The reason for my discontent is simple. No one will talk to me!!!! Maybe it's because my annual income is listed as "tell you later" as in much, much, much later. Or perhaps it's because my last name isn't Goldberg. Who knows. All I know, is that the fishes in the sea of jdate aren't interested in my bait. And it's not like I'm fishing for a 30 pound tuna here. I'd settle for some catch and release action at this rate. But that's not even working out.
The irony of all of this is that I'm the worst Jew of all time. I'm not religious, I hate jewish food, I will never be caught dead going to temple, and I don't think that Adam Sandler is funny. If I hadn't been circumcised there would be no proof that I was even ever Jewish. I would be a horrible catch for a girl that's looking to settle down with a nice Jewish guy. But they don't know that!!! And that's what gets me. These girls should be viewing the profile of a nice, cute guy who for all intents and purposes appears to be a good catch. Reality will tell a whole different story all together but at the very least these girls should be exicted to talk to me. But no dice. It's almost as if they can sense my lack of Jewishness through the computer. I just don't get it.
The worst is when a cute girl views your profile and then never bothers to contact you. It would be one thing if someone decided that they didn't like me after meeting me but these people decided that they didn't like me based on a few sentences in my profile. Which is shocking since the profile is the best thing that I have to offer. It's witty. It highlights my good attributes, all three of them. It downplays my idiosyncrasies and insecurities. It showcases the best pictures ever taken of me, most of which are from a few years ago when I didn't have a receding hairline.
Quite frankly girls should be knocking down my door after reading it and then running out the door after actualy meeting me. It just doesn't make any sense. But what's even worse than that is my lack of success with getting girls to talk to me on instant messenger. Rule #1 when talking to a girl online or anywhere for that matter is to come up with something thoughtful to say and not just use some corny pickup line. And I'll have you know that I go to get lengths to read each girl's profile and then say something witty.
For instance, this one girl said that she wanted to meet a guy that she could share a bagel with. So, when I messaged her I said that I like pumpernickel bagels with margarine and then asked her if she wanted to share one with me. Sounds good right? A good way to break the ice? A funny story to tell the grandkids? Not even close. No response.
It's unbelievable. All I want to do is to meet a girl through jdate and go on one date with her. It doesn't even have to be a good date. It could even be the worst date of all time, complete with an awkward ass out hug at the end of the night.
A lack of sexual chemistry? Sure, why not! Awkward pauses? Of course! Inadvertenly saying something stupid to ruin the mood? Undoubtedly!! Failing to pick up on the signs? Goes without saying! Pee stain on my khakis after returning from the bathroom? Where do I sign up?
It can be all those things and more. It could even be worse than the time I went on a blind date and wished I was blind. It doesn't matter. All I want is one date before I have to start wearing a keepa to cover up all my bald spot. Or at least before my membership expires. Whichever comes first.
I know that may come as a shock to those of you who know me. But it's true. Online dating, the so-called savior of shy guys like myself, is in actuality the bane of my existence. If jdate was a real person it would be my arch rival nemesis. It would be the Heidi Montag to my Lauren Conrad. And yes I did just go there.
The reason for my discontent is simple. No one will talk to me!!!! Maybe it's because my annual income is listed as "tell you later" as in much, much, much later. Or perhaps it's because my last name isn't Goldberg. Who knows. All I know, is that the fishes in the sea of jdate aren't interested in my bait. And it's not like I'm fishing for a 30 pound tuna here. I'd settle for some catch and release action at this rate. But that's not even working out.
The irony of all of this is that I'm the worst Jew of all time. I'm not religious, I hate jewish food, I will never be caught dead going to temple, and I don't think that Adam Sandler is funny. If I hadn't been circumcised there would be no proof that I was even ever Jewish. I would be a horrible catch for a girl that's looking to settle down with a nice Jewish guy. But they don't know that!!! And that's what gets me. These girls should be viewing the profile of a nice, cute guy who for all intents and purposes appears to be a good catch. Reality will tell a whole different story all together but at the very least these girls should be exicted to talk to me. But no dice. It's almost as if they can sense my lack of Jewishness through the computer. I just don't get it.
The worst is when a cute girl views your profile and then never bothers to contact you. It would be one thing if someone decided that they didn't like me after meeting me but these people decided that they didn't like me based on a few sentences in my profile. Which is shocking since the profile is the best thing that I have to offer. It's witty. It highlights my good attributes, all three of them. It downplays my idiosyncrasies and insecurities. It showcases the best pictures ever taken of me, most of which are from a few years ago when I didn't have a receding hairline.
Quite frankly girls should be knocking down my door after reading it and then running out the door after actualy meeting me. It just doesn't make any sense. But what's even worse than that is my lack of success with getting girls to talk to me on instant messenger. Rule #1 when talking to a girl online or anywhere for that matter is to come up with something thoughtful to say and not just use some corny pickup line. And I'll have you know that I go to get lengths to read each girl's profile and then say something witty.
For instance, this one girl said that she wanted to meet a guy that she could share a bagel with. So, when I messaged her I said that I like pumpernickel bagels with margarine and then asked her if she wanted to share one with me. Sounds good right? A good way to break the ice? A funny story to tell the grandkids? Not even close. No response.
It's unbelievable. All I want to do is to meet a girl through jdate and go on one date with her. It doesn't even have to be a good date. It could even be the worst date of all time, complete with an awkward ass out hug at the end of the night.
A lack of sexual chemistry? Sure, why not! Awkward pauses? Of course! Inadvertenly saying something stupid to ruin the mood? Undoubtedly!! Failing to pick up on the signs? Goes without saying! Pee stain on my khakis after returning from the bathroom? Where do I sign up?
It can be all those things and more. It could even be worse than the time I went on a blind date and wished I was blind. It doesn't matter. All I want is one date before I have to start wearing a keepa to cover up all my bald spot. Or at least before my membership expires. Whichever comes first.
Celebrity Train Wrecks: The Next Generation
I recently did a temp assignment for a financial company. I was expecting things to be very hectic and fast paced and yet amongst all the stress one of the guys there still found the time to lament the rise and fall of Lindsay Lohan. He referred to her as a train wreck which got me thinking: there sure are a lot of train wrecks just waiting to happen in Hollywood these days. Here's a look at some of the young up and coming stars in Hollywood and the fates that may be awaiting them.
1. Miley Cyrus: Controversy has already engulfed this Disney channel meal ticket after she posed half naked for a Vanity Fair photoshoot. Her innocent image tarnished this could be the beginning of the end for Hannah Montana mania. (Thank God).
The truth is her incredible run had to end sometime and unless she can launch into a successful signing career she's going to have a lot of time on her hands to lament would could have been. Lamenting leads to acting out against expectations leads to hardcore partying lifestyle. (See Spears, Brittany).
Most likely to: be found back home in Tennessee strung out on hard drugs.
Artsy or provacative? You be the judge.
2. Emma Watson: She may play Hermione Granger on the big screen but this Harry Potter star is far from a goody two shoe. In fact, quite the opposite has been true over the last few years as Watson has been caught engaging in underage drinking on several occassions. Unless the drinking age in England is 15 she's been up to no good and it's safe to say that the trend should continue as the media attention intensifies.
Most likely to: appear nude in a magazine or movie.
Hey Emma, is that beer or Pollyjuice potion?
3. Jaime Lynn Spears: This train has already left the station. About six months ago to be exact when word came out that she was pregnant. Why am I not surprised? Probably because her role model is older sister Brittany who is the poster child for starlets gone wild after her recent string of mental breakdowns. There could still be hope for Jaime Lynn if she can learn from Britney's mistakes but that would be a bigger miracle than me marrying Natalie Portman.
Most likely to be: In and out of rehab while battling for custody of her child.
"I'm a trainwreck"
4. Kardashian sisters: And I'm not even talking about the three sisters currently starring on E's show Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I'm talking about their younger sisters who appeared in a recent episode poll dancing and pretending they were on a girls gone wild video. The girls were 9 and 11 years old at the time. Check out the video here: http://www.hollywoodgrind.com/kim-kardashians-little-sister-does-girls-gone-wild-video/
Most likely to: appear in an actual Girls Gone Wild video.
The apple doesn't fall far from the stripper pole....
1. Miley Cyrus: Controversy has already engulfed this Disney channel meal ticket after she posed half naked for a Vanity Fair photoshoot. Her innocent image tarnished this could be the beginning of the end for Hannah Montana mania. (Thank God).
The truth is her incredible run had to end sometime and unless she can launch into a successful signing career she's going to have a lot of time on her hands to lament would could have been. Lamenting leads to acting out against expectations leads to hardcore partying lifestyle. (See Spears, Brittany).
Most likely to: be found back home in Tennessee strung out on hard drugs.
Artsy or provacative? You be the judge.
2. Emma Watson: She may play Hermione Granger on the big screen but this Harry Potter star is far from a goody two shoe. In fact, quite the opposite has been true over the last few years as Watson has been caught engaging in underage drinking on several occassions. Unless the drinking age in England is 15 she's been up to no good and it's safe to say that the trend should continue as the media attention intensifies.
Most likely to: appear nude in a magazine or movie.
Hey Emma, is that beer or Pollyjuice potion?
3. Jaime Lynn Spears: This train has already left the station. About six months ago to be exact when word came out that she was pregnant. Why am I not surprised? Probably because her role model is older sister Brittany who is the poster child for starlets gone wild after her recent string of mental breakdowns. There could still be hope for Jaime Lynn if she can learn from Britney's mistakes but that would be a bigger miracle than me marrying Natalie Portman.
Most likely to be: In and out of rehab while battling for custody of her child.
"I'm a trainwreck"
4. Kardashian sisters: And I'm not even talking about the three sisters currently starring on E's show Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I'm talking about their younger sisters who appeared in a recent episode poll dancing and pretending they were on a girls gone wild video. The girls were 9 and 11 years old at the time. Check out the video here: http://www.hollywoodgrind.com/kim-kardashians-little-sister-does-girls-gone-wild-video/
Most likely to: appear in an actual Girls Gone Wild video.
The apple doesn't fall far from the stripper pole....
Girlfriend of the Month: Hayden Panettiere
With the rest of young Hollywood falling by the wayside I wanted to pick someone who has stayed out of trouble so far as my girlfriend of the month. And who better to select than Hayden Penettiere who not only plays a hero on tv but also acts like one in real life.
Why yes you are!
Hayden's version of a run in with the law.
In her spare time she saves whales....
and licks butts.......What are you doing Hayden!!!?!
But its okay, I forgive you!!!
Then again, maybe not.
Month In Review
Random thoughts from the last month:
If I have to hear one more person talking about Sex and the City I think I might actually throw up.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall should be renamed Forgetting That I Just Saw That Guy Naked.
If I have to hear one more person talking about Sex and the City I think I might actually throw up.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall should be renamed Forgetting That I Just Saw That Guy Naked.
Did Clay Aiken really just father a child? Come on now! Even Clay Aiken is getting more action than me!!! What is the world coming to!?!
I hate it when someone says what's up and the other person says what's up back. And neither person ever actually answered the others' question.
I wonder how long it's going to be until someone knocks on Ed McMahon's door and says "you may have just won a million dollars"?
Is it just me or is the woman who does the voice overs for the voice activated system in cars sound like a 50 year old woman going through menopause? Would it have killed them to use a hot girl's voice?
If there is a better show on tv than Bridezillas?
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