Is New York Following Me?

I moved to Florida two months ago and yet everywhere I look I still see New York. And I mean everywhere. I'm talking about on tv, in my office, around my apartment, on the side of milk cartons, on the faces of babies, etc. Literally everywhere and anywhere that is somewhere. It's like I never left.

In fact, there are so many signs of New York in and around me that I'm beginning to think that it's following me. Consider the following:

1. Sid Rosenberg was a sports talk show host in New York before gambling problems got him kicked off the air at WFAN. I thought I had heard the last of him until, much to my shock, I heard him on my lunchbreak since he's now the new lunchtime host on 790 am The Ticket. Small world? Or part of a larger conspiracy to make sure that I can't escape New York?

2. As if having a radio host follow me wasn't bad enough I also have the pleasure of now driving to work to the sound of an entire morning show that sounds all too familar. That's because the Z100 morning zoo is now gracing the airwaves of Y100. I'm not sure if it's still based out of New York and is now just a nationally syndicated radiot station or if it's simply picked up and moved all the way to Miami where one of their hosts, Catalina, is originally from. All I know is that this is another example of how New York is following me!

3. Everyone I've met so far is a New York transplant. That includes several people at work, my roommate obviously and four people on my softball team! Now that's not just a case of living in New York South where one should expect to meet a lot of people from New York. That's borderline crazy.

Now what say you to that?

Floridian To Do List, Part 2

With jet skiing having been crossed off the list here's a look at what I'd still like to do in Florida:

Jackson's Ice Cream Parlor (this time actually order ice cream)

Yankees game at Legends Field in Tampa

Spring Training Road Trip

Trip to Disney

Wakeboarding

Dolphins game

Stand up comedy at the Improv

Dinosaur World

Water taxi on the intercoastal waterway

South beach

Ride a fanboat in the Everglades

Fishing

Wrestle an aligator

College football game at UF, Miami, or FSU

Ride out a hurricane

Outdoor restuarant on the strip near Deerfield Beach

Shopping at the Sawgrass Mills Mall

And oh yeah get a job!

Floridian To Do List, Part One

There are a lot of things I have to do before I die which is why I'm always making to do lists. I just made one for things I wanted to do in New York before I left and now it's time to make one for things I want to do in Florida.

One of the those things that I've always wanted to do was water sports and since they are prominent in Florida now was the perfect time to do them. Anything and everything from jet skiing to water skiing would be acceptable just as long as it took place on the water and involved going really, really fast.

I got my wish on Sunday when I drove up to Orlando to meet up with Tommy before he left for a tour of duty overseas. From there we made our way to Clearwater beach which is on the west coast of the state with his girlfriend and her friend. Upong arriving we decided to cross something off my list and go on jet skis or in this case wave runners. Sounded like a good idea in theory but I must have forgotten that Tommy is a few floats short of a parade. This kid drives a jet ski like someone from Pakistan drives a taxi cab in New York City.

After scaring his girlfriend shitless with a 60 mph thrill ride she wanted nothing to do with his antics and throw him off into the ocean. He wanted me to come over and pick him up but I was reluctant to do so because I know that it meant that I would soon be the one crying for help. Eventually I made my way over to Tommy and scooped him up like they do in the movies and took off.

I tried to last as long as I could but eventually my wrist started to hurt from holding down the throttle for so long and I knew that I had no choice but to let Tommy drive. Big mistake. He got behind the wheel and tore off towards Mexico. After about five minutes of jumping waves and doing figure eights he got too cocky and cut a turn too quickly. We tipped over at 50 mph and went flying into the ocean. He quickly came to and started to make his way towards the wave runner. On the other hand I started panicking, flalling my arms frantically, yelling out that I was drowning. Of course I had a life jacket on and wasn't but that that didn't stop me from calling out for help like a little bitch.

Eventually I came to and got back on the waverunner and told Tommy that I was driving from now on. After a few more minutes we made our way back to the docking station and made our way back to the beach. Before we did though we stopped in the water and waited for the ladies to get off of their machine. At that point the next person got on the machine we were using and gunned it shooting hundreds of gallons of water directly into Tommy's face! It was honestly the funniest thing I have ever seen. My only regrets are that we didn't get it on video and that it didn't happen to me.

*Tune in tomorrow to find out what else is on my Floridian to do list.

Girlfriend of the Week: Keri Russell

After seeing Mission Impossible 3 on Saturday I remembered how hot Keri Russell is. I had forgotten because she's been out of the public eye for quite some time now doing her best Claire Danes impression. I have no idea what she's been up to but it sure hasn't been making movies. Hopefully, that will change now that she has resurfaced in Mission Impossible because she is one of the cutest actresses on the planet. So much so that I'll even forgive her for starring in Felicity all those years.

Hotter than Kurt......

Russell with everyone's favorite scientologist in MI3.

Never before has cuting one's hair affected so many lives....

Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

Always remember to practice safe cooking and use lots of condiments.

I've got to hand it to the sports talk stations down here again. First they came up with the premise that the Detroit Pistons have a lot of guys with names that sound like they could belong to hairdressers. (Chauncey, Tashaun, Lindsey, Antonio, Flip, etc.) Then another host said that if women's college basketball was a tv show it would have been cancelled more times than a Mary Kate Olsen dinner reservation. Great stuff.

I refuse to conform with society and give into American Idol fever. So much so that I refused to buy Oreos this past week even though they were on sale just because a picture of Randy Jackson was on the cover of the package.

Is there anything more awkward than being at a comedy club with somebody that you just started seeing and a comedian asks if there are any couples in the crowd and neither of you are sure if you should raise you're hand or not? Seeing a guy half raise his hand and then put it down quickly is priceless.

How can you can have a size zero in women's clothing? Wouldn't that mean that you were so skinny that you didn't even exist?

I just thought of a few new comebacks to say to people. First off, if someone ever says, "excuse me where do you get off talking that way to me?" You say, "I don't get off talking to you. I get off while watching porno tapes with your sister." And if someone ever asks you if something is doable say, "Is it doable? Well a fat chick is doable but that doesn't mean I'd want to do one."

If it wasn't for sports I would be a better athlete. That may sound contradictory but what I mean is that there are a lot of times when I want to go to the gym or play ball but there will be a really good game on tv that I want to watch. 9 times out of 10 I stay home and watch. Ironic isn't it?

Shame(s) on You: David Stern

Shame(s) on you, NBA commissioner David Stern.

Just because you have a Napoleonic complex since you run a league in which everyone towers over you doesn't mean that you have to manipulate the system to get what you want. Don't look at me like that. You know what I'm talking about.

For years the NBA has come under fire for questionable moves ranging from allegedly fixing the draft lottery results when the Knicks got Patrick Ewing and the Cavaliers got LeBron James to having officials make calls to have certain teams advance in the playoffs. And this year their shady tactics have come under scrutiny more than ever before.

Obviously, the NBA is a star laden league and they take advantage of that and promote their star players. When you see a commercial for an upcoming game it's never the Cavaliers versus the Heat. It's the Cavaliers and Lebron James taking on Dwayne Wade and the rest of the Miami Heat. Which is why come playoff time the NBA wants teams with big name players to make it to the NBA Finals and not necessarily the best teams. A Detroit versus San Antonio final is murder on ratings. Cavaliers versus Suns? Now that's a ratings bonanza. And don't think for a second that the NBA wouldn't manipulate the games to get the results that they want.

That is exactly what they do. It's who they are. They are manipulative, money hungry, sell outs who care more about the bottom line than they do the integrity of the sport. They are no better than the heads of major corporations who down size employees out of jobs to save a few cents per widget. The only difference is that they get to skate by undetected because there's no one to check up on their misgivings primarily because most of them could never be proven.

But don't worry because I'm on to their schemes. And they won't get by with manipulating playoff games much longer. Not if I have anything to say about it.

Shame(s) on you: Florida Speed Limits

Shame(s) on you, South Florida.

Your blatant disregard for common sense has left me raging mad on this my 24th birthday! That's because I just received a speeding ticket for going 65 mph in a 40 mph zone. Now I can't deny that I was speeding because technically I was. But what I can do is argue that what I was doing (65 mph down a major three lane road with no other traffic around me) shouldn't be considered speeding.

It's not like I was weaving in and out of traffic, putting myself and other drivers at risk by driving recklessly. Quite the contrary. All I was doing was driving in a straight line down a wide open stretch of real estate. It wasn't raining, the road wasn't curving, and I wasn't impaired. I was driving at a speed I was comfortable with in order to get home in a timely fashion. There was absolutely no reason to pull me over. At yet there I was, on the side of the road, like some kind of common criminal, getting in trouble for breaking the law.

And that to me is inexcusable. I'm not a bad driver. There's no reason why I should now have points on my license. My name is not Rob Roll. I'm a safe driver. Not only have I never been in an accident I've never even come close to one. I don't tailgate, I don't speed unnecessarily, and I don't participate in road rage. I should not have to dip into my savings account to pay a fine for doing something that didn't endanger anybody.

Truth be told, 40 mph is way too slow of a speed limit. That should really be the speed minimum. Honestly, if I had to do 40 mph every where I went I would never get anywhere. Doing a speed that slow would add about half an hour each way to my commute every day. And I sure as hell don't want to spend anymore time stuck in traffic than I have to.

Now, I know that speed limits are there for my own protection. To save me from getting into accidents or from getting hurt by other drivers who aren't as good as I am. But there is such a thing as driving too slow. And I believe that 40 mph is way too slow. No wonder that there's a perception out there that no one knows how to drive in Florida. It's not that they don't know but rather that they've all received speeding tickets before and now follow the speed limit as if their life depended on it.

And yet in spite of the strict enforcement of the speed limit or probably because of it there are still hundreds if not thousands of accidents each year in South Florida. Seemingly everday at 5 pm on I95 as a matter of fact.

So, all in all I'm here to say that there is life beyond 40 mph. And I'm not going to change the way I drive because of one speeding ticket that I didn't deserve. I live life in the fast lane and there's no slowing me down!

Happy Birthday To Me

I know that the fact that I'm turning 24 on the 24th is pretty mind boggling but if your still have control over your faculties check out the following wishlist that I've put together.

Things I want for my birthday (can be bought) :

A Russian mail order bride.

A laptop although I would settle for a lapdance.

A digital camera.

An ipod.

DVD's to add to my collection.

Clothes.

Sandals.

A bike or rollerblades.


Things I want for my birthday (can't be bought) :

For Ed McMahon to ring my doorbell.

A room that doesn't smell like dirty laundry.

To become less hairy.

For the Hard Rock casino to add craps.

For someone to kill all the lizards in south Florida.

For Derek Jeter to get the respect he deserves.

For the Daily News to deliver same day out of state.

For someone to actually read this list.

The Shames-o-Matic Strikes Again

It's amazing how often the Shames-o-matic prediction meter is correct. Over the weekend it predicted not only that Barbaro wouldn't win the Preakness but that Bernadini would. This just a few weeks after going against the grain and predicting that USC Rb Reggie Bush would not go #1 in the NFL draft.

Then last night it was right on the money again in calling that the game seven between the Spurs and Mavericks would go into overtime. If for nothing else, just to screw over the NBA for scheduling two game seven's in succession with the latter starting at 10:30 est. And that prediction by the way was made before the game even started and not with the score tied and one second left on the clock.

With the meter working overtime lately I thought now would be a good time to make a public prediction this time involving the NBA draft lottery to be held tuesday night at 730 before the Heat and Pistons tip off. And that prediction is that the New York Knicks will wind up with the #1 pick in the draft.

They didn't have the worst record in the league last year so they won't even have the most number of chances to acquire the pick but I'm pretty sure that they'll get it. After all, how can you have a laughing stock of the sports world without a punch line? And there would be no better punch line than the Knicks finally getting the number one overall pick in a year in which they don't even get to keep it since Chicago owns it from the Eddy Curry trade. With that in mind it's pretty much guaranteed that the Knicks will get the #1 pick and that whomever it is will become a perennial all star. How guys like Isiah Thomas and Matt Millen still have jobs is beyond me.

Softball Week 3 recap

Davie, FL -

Team Beef O' Oren (1-2) proved once again to be paper tigers dropping a heartbreaking decision to Team Mongolian Giraffe, formerly known as Team Has Been, by the count of 19-11 in a time shortened contest that only went 5 innings.

Team Oren has just about as much talent as any team in the league, if not more, but have been unable to put it all together for sixty minutes. This week they were singled, walked, and errored to death by the patient, more experienced hitters of Team Mongolian Giraffe.

Despite the loss there were still plenty of bright spots for Team Beef O' Oren as Seth, T, Camille, and Oren all chipped in 3 hits with Aaron and Brian adding 2 a piece. But the brightest spot of all had to be the way the team fought back after digging an early hole. Trailing 6-0 after one inning and 11-2 after 2, Team Oren battled back to within 12-9 on the strength of a seven run rally in the bottom of the 3rd inning.

That rally was started by Craig and featured a rbi single by Seth, a 2 run single by Brian, a run producing single by Camille, and a 2 run 'triple' by Aaron. It was finally topped off by KFED with an rbi groundout.

However, Team Oren was unable to capatilize on the momentum swing quickly falling behind again by double digits before they knew what hit them. All in all, a disappointing loss for a team that should be 3-0. With a week off between games though expect them to practice hard and work out their kinks before they return to the field in 2 weeks.

*Box Score*

Oren 3 for 4 with 2 runs
Seth 3 for 4 with 2 runs, 1 rbi
Sam 1 for 4 with one on deck circle collision
Brian 2 for 3 with 2 runs, 2 rbi
T 3 for 3 with 2 runs, 2 rbi
Camille 3 for 3 with 1 run, 2 rbi
Aaron 2 for 3 with 1 run, 3 rbi
Kevin 1 for 3 with 1 rbi
Mara 0 for 3 with one great catch
Craig 1 for 3 with 1 run

- Craig

Girlfriend of the Week: Elisha Cuthbert

As I alluded to earlier in the week I'm going to go with Elisha Cuthbert as my gf of the week on this the first day of my birthday week. After all, picking someone from the show 24 when I turn 24 on the 24th just makes sense.

Sure there were other candidates such as any of my all time favorite girls like Natalie Portman, Kristen Bell, Brittany Snow, and Keira Knightley. But in the end I just had to go with Cuthbert because after googling images of her there was no way that I could get think about anything else let alone anyone else.

I was going to say something witty but I can't type anymore. I need my hands for something else....

'I'm all wet, can I come in?' has got to be the best line in cinematic history since 'say hello to my little friend'. On second thought, probably not but Elisha is definitely hotter than Al Pacino.

Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

I wonder if FSU students drink Gatorade or do they really hate the Florida Gators that much that they only drink Powerade?

Attendance at Marlins games is so bad that they can't even get a wave going. Just a wake.

Whatever happened to that other guy from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure?

It's definitely very awkward whenever you're talking to a girl or guy that you like on the phone after you first meet them and due to a bad reception you are having trouble hearing them. The entire conversation just consists of the two of you coming up with different ways to say that you can't hear what they said. That's almost as awkward as when you're eating alone and someone comes up to you and asks you if anyone is sitting there. You think they are asking because they want to sit with you so you get all excited that you're going to have some company and then they just take your chair and bring it over to another table.

To me, there's nothing better than drunken time travel. You'll be out with your friends having a good time around 1 am and the next thing you know you're in Taco Bell at 4 am. So you turn to your friends and ask, 'how the fuck did I get here?' Then you ask them what you did that night and they reply that you all went to this hot club called Pangia. And you're just like dammit I really wanted to go there. They look at you and say, 'but you were there.' To which you respond, 'yeah but if I can't remember it doesn't count.' So of course you then have to ask them if you were talking to any hot girls. And when they say that you were talking to a hot blonde you're like, 'yes!'

Dave Attel had a great line in this month's Stuff magazine saying, "temping is like being an extra in a really bad movie. No one will talk to you and whenever someone goes postal you're always the first to get shot."

I had a great line myself at last week's softball game when after the shortstop said that he was upset that he didn't get any action in the field I said, "sounds like my sex life."

If I was Chris Berman and had to come up with a nickname for Barbaro I would go with, "Conan the Barbaro."

Weekly Twilight Zone Update

The crazy continues with even more examples of the eery. Here's a look at this week's examples. You decide if I'm living in the twilight zone or it's merely coincidence:

Last saturday at Brian's birthday pool party one of this friends started talking about Bum Fights. Which of course Brian and I had just talked about Friday night after a bum asked us for money outside of a Walgreens.

Monday at work I was thinking about what I have to do to become a teacher and as I was doing so a promo came on the radio for an upcoming King of Queens episode in which Doug becomes a substitute teacher after his regular job goes on strike. Now what are the chances that I would hear a promo for a show involving teaching as I was thinking about? Especially when the show in question isn't about teaching and has probably never mentioned teaching outside of that one episode.

Thursday I thought that I should pick Elisha Cuthbert from 24 as my girlfriend of the week in honor of my 24th birthday. Later that night when talking to Katie she said that I should watch 24 on my birthday since I would be turning 24 on May 24th.

Friday was music lyrics today. While at work I was daydreaming about the movie that Brian and I are going to be writing and a song came along from itunes that said something like, "can we turn these daydreams into a reality." Suffice it to say I'm now inspired to hammer out this script because that was a clear cut sign that it's supposed to happen. Then during the ride home I was thinking about Hurricanes because I saw some signs on the parkway that were torn up and moments later a song came on the air that said something to the effect of "here comes the hurricane. Raining really hard..."

Now what say you to that?

My Latest Lost Theories

It's official. I'm obsessed with Lost. For all you fans out there, here are my latest outside the box theories that are so crazy they might just work out:

1. The Others were observing the Losties before the crash: What leads me to believe this is that that there are several phrases that repeat within the back story of each character. Now these aren't phrases that repeat throughout the show like 'see you in another life'. These are only phrases that repeat within the character development of each person so that when they are said the character in question will realize that they've heard it before. Phrases that hold significant meaning to each person.

For example, in last night's episode Dr. Klugh (pronounced Clue) said to Michael while he was being held captive by the Others, "for someone who wants their son back so badly you don't really seem to know anything about him". Well that's the exact same thing that the lawyer for Michael's wife said to Michael in the custody battle scene in season 1. A phrase so powerful that Michael was sure to remember it.

Also, last week didn't the girl who drowned but came back to life tell Eko in the airport that even though he's pretending he's a good man? Isn't that the same thing we heard earlier in the episode from the guy who was trying to get Eko to the US? Moreover, that's the same phrase that his brother had once told him so now we know that both the guy in the church and the girl have had contact with Eko's brother.

Point being I think there's some significance to these phrases and the fact that they are reappearing. It could be a part of the larger Dharma conspiracy as evidence that the losties were being observed before they got on the plane. I just wonder how many other phrases have been repeated that we haven't caught yet?

2. All secondary characters are part of the conspiracy: Most of the characters needed a last minute reason to get onto the plane. They either had to get somewhere in a hurry or were leaving somewhere in a hurry. Could it be that all of the people who had a hand in their circumstances are apart of the conspiracy? I'm talking about everyone from Claire's psychic to Hurley's doctor to Ana Lucia's mom to Jack's dad to Locke's dad to Vincent's dog walker. Everyone and anyone who has had a line in this show could be connected. Like I said before, just crazy enough to work.

3. The losties are bad and the others are good: How mind blowing would it be if there was a show where everyone you thought was good was really bad and everyone who you thought was bad was really good? Well I think that Lost might be heading down that path.

The story is told through the eyes of the plane crash survivors so of course you are going to sympathize with them especially when a group of mad scientists are trying to capture them. However, if you think about it the Others have only captured people never killed them. Where as the Losties have killed multiple people. For instance there are the three others that were killed during attempted kidnappings by Eko and Ana Lucia, Goodwin who was also killed by Ana, and Ethan who was killed by Charlie. All of the losties that have died (Ana, Libby, Shannon, Boone) have done so at the hands of other losties. The only murderers here have been the Losties.

Meanwhile the Others keep talking about the 'good ones' and seem to kidnap only those people that make the grade in their eyes. The reason why they haven't gone after more of the Losties is because most of them aren't good people since they did so many bad things before coming to the Island.

All of that leads me to believe that by the end of the show it will be revealed that the Others are really good and the Losties are really bad.

Some more crazy theories:

4. The person piloting the boat that we saw at the end of the last episode will be Desmond.

5. There will be a big connection between Locke and Eko that will play on White vs. Black as we've seen with the rocks found by Adam and Eve,and the backgammon game. Also, if you look at their names Eko is actually formed from letter's within Locke's name. I also think that if you look at Locke's name it's obvious that he will be the 'key' to everything before it's all over.

6. Jack will have a sister amongst the losties as evidenced by his dad going to visit someone in Ana's flashback. I think it could be Claire.

7. There's another mole within the losties camp since I don't think the others could have known Sawyer's real name otherwise. It could be Locke.

Seriously is there a better show on tv?

Summer Movie Preview

First off, I'm having trouble figuring out how the summer movie season can start in May since that's considered springtime but that's a story for another day. The story for today is which movies are worth seeing and which you should wait to make it a blockbuster night for.

Must Sees:

1. MI3: Some people might be boycotting Tom Cruise right now but aside from that there's no reason not to see this movie. It has every element of a summer blockbuster from star actors to special effects to a crazy plot. And considering that Lost producer J.J. Abrahams is behind the cameras of this film you just know it's going to be good.

2. Pirates of the Caribbean 2: I'm actually worried about this movie since in my mind they can only ruin the greatness of the first one by making a crappy sequel. And since they weren't originally planning to make any sequels I'm really worried about what can happen when you reverse engineer two of them. However, if it's even half as good as the first one it'll still be great. Plus how can you go wrong with a cast of Keira Knightley, Johnny Depp, and Orlando Bloom?

3. The DaVinci Code: This could set all kinds of box office and protest records at the same time. For me, like most guys, it's a must see since we can find out what all the hoopla is about without having to read the book. I'll gladly trade three hours of my life for three weeks.

4. Nacho Libre: Make a movie starring any of the frat pack (Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Jack Black, etc.) and you are guaranteed to have a hit. And while there probably won't be any combination blockbusters like Wedding Crashers this summer there still will be several solid individual efforts. None better than Black starring as a pro wrestler to try and raise money.

5. X3: Comic book movies have proven to be huge winners at the box office with the first two XMen movies and the two Spidermans amongst others as proof of that. This movie, the final in the trilogy, will be a huge success as well capitalizing on the success of the first two and the genre in general.

6. Miami Vice: Starring Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx you know that this remake is going to be done right with lots of action. Should be a combination of Bad Boys and SWAT.

7. John Tucker Must Die: Only because Brittany Snow is going to be starring in it. Although it may actually be a successful teen flick ala Ten Things I Hate About You.

8. Pulse: Only because Kristen Bell is going to be starring in it. Although it may actually be a successful horror film falling somwhere on the horror spectrum between Final Destination and Saw.

Busts

1. Posedion: When I first heard about this movie I thought it had blockbuster written all over it. However, upon further review I think it's going to be a colossal bust. Waterworldesque. First off, the timing sucks since it's competing with MI3, DaVinci, and X3 amongst others. Secondly, the premise sucks since how many times can you have a bunch of people trying to survive a sinking ship? (Titanic, Speed 2, etc.) And while it may be a decent movie it's going to fall short of it's massive expectations.

2. Superman: Don't get me wrong it'll still be a huge hit. But just like King Kong it won't live up to it's billing since I just don't think that people care about this story. And while the idea sounds good I just don't think that it will fulfill people's cravings for a Superman fix. Kate Bosworth is a plus but some no name actor in tights is a major turnoff. And Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor just doesn't do it for me. It'll still make a lot of money and come with a promotional campaign at Burger King but I just can't put it in my must see list.

3. The Breakup: Take everything that I just said about Nacho Libre and reverse it. The reason being the inclusion of Anniston in the equation. Mixing her with Vaughn is a recipe for disaster. Either Vaughn will be so good that it won't matter. Or he'll go down to Anniston's level. This could be the bigget disaster since Gigli. Let's just hope that Vaughn still has a career afterwards unlike Ben Affleck.

4. RV: I think that Robin Williams' star has faded because this movie looks god awful. Decent premise but with Williams overacting and trying to be funny when he's not it's going to replace I heart huckabees as the worst movie in recent memory.

5. See No Evil: This is the first movie produced by WWE entertainment and it stars Kane so right there you know that it's going to have worse acting in it than Raw. In fact considering that everything that the WWE touches fails (see the XFL) it's a sure fire disaster waiting to happen.

6. You me and Dupree: With Owen Wilson it might actually be worth seeing but that doesn't mean that it's going to be good. In order for it to work I think they needed one more frat packer and by not having that I think it's going to fall short of expectations. Kate Hudson's also in it which begs the question, 'where's Matthew McConaughey?"

7. The Fast and the Furios-Tokyo Drift: One too many for this once proud franchise. Who knew that Vin Diesel moving on could have this kind of effect?

8. Talladega Nights-The Ballad of Ricky Bobby: With Will Ferrell as a NASCAR driver this movie will open big and then drag after word gets out about how disappointing it is. I just don't think that NASCAR jokes will go over in the big cities of the Northeast although if anyone can pull it off it's Ferrell.


All in all, it looks like it's going to be a great summer for movie fans since there are a lot of good movies coming out. Aside from the ones I mentioned there's also the Groomsmen, World Trade Center, Clerks 2, and My Super Ex Girlfriend amongst others. I'm just wondering though where Will Smith is throughout all this since you can't have summer blockbusters (Bad Boys, Men In Black, IRobot, Independence Day, etc.) without him. Although I think that the presence of Matt Dillon will more than make up for that. Expect Dillon to be this year's Jude Law and be in 20 movies at once.

Enjoy the summer movie fans, I'm off to find promotional pictures of Keira Knightley from Pirates of the Caribbean 2.

Hey look I found one! Man, I really hope they don't ruin the first one for me. I almost don't want to see it.

Craig's Lists: Dating Excuses

I'm not sure if I'll ever find a girl at the rate I'm going since I can find something wrong with every one I meet. Conversely in the words of Brian B. I've been rejected more than a telemarketer. As such here are two lists that look at the world of dating excuses.

Recent excuses I've used to explain why I didn't like someone:

Too religious.

High maintenance.

Too hot. (Yes I've actually turned down girls for being too hot.)

Birthmark in the wrong place.

Lives too far away.

Doesn't like Lost.

Snores.

Vegetarian.

Doesn't like pets.

Too tall.

Has the same name as my mom or sister.

Can't pronounce the name.

Reminds me of a celebrity that I don't like.

Meanwhile recent excuses I've heard:

Too hairy.

"I'm sorry but I don't date guys that look like Waldo."

Too quiet.

Doesn't drink enough.

I'm not looking for a relationship right now.

"Girls with asses like mine don't date guys with faces like yours."

"Maybe if I'm 40 and still single and you're the last guy on Earth."

Team Beef 'O Oren Dominates

Davie, Fl -

After looking in week 1 like they had never played softball before, Team Beef 'O Oren (1-1) came together like a well oiled machine, clicking on all cylinders in a 22-9 thrashing of Team Angry Pitcher. The win was impressive since Team Angry Pitcher had been regarded coming into the game as the best team in the league.

They were no match however for the pitching of Kevin who coincidentally pitched like Kevin from American Pie when he was the Rookie of the Year for the Chicago Cubs striking out people left and right. It was the kind of performance that people will be talking about for years to come.

He was backed by a stellar defense that featured a 3 headed monster of Seth, Oren, and Joe at shortstop. When they weren't playing at short all three of them joined Craig and all star newcomer Jamie Lee in the outfield to form a gold glove caliber unit that featured a diving catch by Craig and an impressive catch by Jamie on a bomb to right field.

Offensively, the Beef 'O Orens were lead by Brian 'Shaq Attack' Berkowicz who hit his first homerun of the year and added a bases clearing triple in a ten run 6th inning that broke open the game. Ryan "T" bag Ferguson", despite being more hungover than Courtney Love, added a monstrous walkoff homerun to leftfield as the final exclamation point.

Craig, Kevin, and Joe all chipped in four hits with Joe somehow managing to hit the ball to the exact same spot every time. As for the ladies Jamie went 1 for 3 and officially took over the team lead in walks, Sam ripped a run scoring double, and Camille went 3 for 5 although she would have went 5 for 5 had she not cut her fingernails.

Team Beef O' Oren (formally Team Oren but now sponsored by Beef 'O Gradys) will look to continue their impressive play next week when they get Bill, Mara, and Aaron back just in time for their highly anticipated showdown against team #1.

Girlfriend of the Week: Helen Hunt

In honor of mother's day I was looking for Hollywood's Hottest Mom to be my girlfriend of the week. I thought about Angelina Jolie but quickly eliminated her since her adopted son Maddox is a media whore and I didn't want to give him anymore attention than he's already gotten. Plus I don't think that Angelina is that good looking. In fact, I think she's a hideously deformed creature and you couldn't pay me to have sex with her but that's a story for another day.

From there I considered Brittany Spears especially since she's pregnant again but decided against that since driving with a newborn on your lap while outrunning the paparazzi disqualifies her from being called a mother. Meanwhile, Gwenyth Paltrow is out for naming her kid, Apple, which has got to be the worst name of all time.

That leaves the lovely Helen Hunt as the choice on this mother's day. Adaptly named since she has a face that could launch a thousand ships, Hunt is one of my all time favorite actresses. She is so good that I actualy put up with Paul Reiser for ten years while watching Mad About You. She hasn't been that visible in recent years now that she's a mother but I hope that she gets back into full time acting soon. I need a sequel to Riverdance in the worst way.

I may not know What Women Want but I know what I want and Helen is As Good As It Gets.

The hottest MILF in Hollywood.

Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

What's up with a two drink minimium at a comedy club? Why not just charge more at the door? Or why not make it a food minimium? That I would prefer. That way I don't have to miss the show when I keep getting up to go the bathroom. I mean my bladder is smaller than a midget's penis. I can't hold down two drinks in an hour. It's not that I mind paying the $10 or so. I'll glady pay it. In fact, I'd prefer to just give the club $10. Just have someone walk around with a collection plate like at church. I wouldn't mind. But two drinks in a hour? That's crazy talk.

I don't get why in baseball they call the act of taking an extra base a stolen base. Stealing to me implies that after the runner reaches the base he picks up and runs off the field with it. How you can steal something and then not take it with you I don't know. But I sure hope if my house ever gets robbed that it's by a baseball player.

I really hate pant erections. You'll be out on a date and a really hot girl will walk by and the next thing you know you're wearing your drink because you're date looked down and noticed that you had an erection. A guy sitting near by will say to you, 'don't worry pal it happened to me too.' And the worse part of it will be that you didn't actually have an erection. It just looked like you did because of the way your pants folded up in your crotch. It would be one thing if you actually had an erection but I better not get in trouble for having a pants erection! I wonder how many marriages pants have ruined?

I don't know what it is about the name Beatrice but whenever I hear I feel like changing it to Biatchice.

In case you didn't hear I get a temp job at a publishing company. I still don't know anything about the publishing business but since they publish scientific textbooks I'm now an expert in the bioavailablity of carotenoids from vegetables as opposed to supplements.

In the words of Dave Roll, 'even a blind squirrel finds a nut.'

Does anybody else have trouble following the logic in that Dwayne Wade commercial? The slogan says, 'fall down seven times, stand up eight'. But if you fall down seven times don't you only have to stand up seven times?

Timing is everything in life. Friday night I was talking to Brian about how the Yankees might actually be better off without Hideki Matsui and Gary Sheffield because it will force them to play small ball and manufacture runs. As we're talking the Yankees score pops up and shows that they won 2-0 in Oakland. So I say, 'see I told you so. Small ball.' And just as the words are coming out of my mouth we see that the Yankees scored their two runs on two solo homeruns. My foot is still inserted inside my mouth.

When I first moved in I hung up a towel rack in my bathroom. I was so proud of myself but it's already fallen down. Bob Villa I am not. In fact, I think that Handy Man from In Living Color is handier than I am.

Weekly Twilight Zone Update

It's been well documented for some time now that I've been living in a Twilight Zone episode as every single thing that I would think about or talk about would then come to frution in some shape or form. Here are this week's examples:

1. Sunday at the Marlins game, Brian's friend Mara was saying how she almost wore a Cardinals hat since she was going to be rooting for them and not the home team Marlins. She said she felt like Elaine in that Seinfeld episode when she wears an Orioles hat to a Yankees game and gets asked to take it off.

So sure enough later that night when I was lying in bed watching tv what else should I stumble upon but that Seinfeld episode when Elaine wears an Orioles hat to a Yankees game. Come on now. I don't think I'm going to watch tv anymore. I might just get sucked into it.

2. Monday at work just as I was thinking about this girl Camille on my softball team a co-worker called at the name Camille to get the attention of a co-worker with the same name. A coincidence? I think not.

3. Wednesay at work while thinking of the show 24 for yesterday's blog article I was sent a file for a book. It was supposed to contain over 100 chapters. But do to a formatting problem only the first 24 chapters came through.

4. Thursday at work just minutes after wondering if this was the kind of office that celebrated people's birthdays like my last job did there was a huge rush of people into the conference room to sing happy birthday. It's almost as if I knew that was about to happen.

5. And to top all of that off there's been a few references to the actual Twilight Zone. It came up in a Seinfeld episode on Tuesday night and then Wednesday night during the Yankees-Red Sox telecast Joe Morgan made a reference to Rod Sterling.

If that's not enough proof for you check back next week because I'm sure they'll be even more examples. There's definitely something going on here and I'm going to get to the bottom of it.

What's the Best Show on TV?

Around water coolers and in neighborhood bars debates are raging over which tv show is the best in all the land right now. Each of the four finalists (Sopranos, 24, House, Lost) can all make a convincing case but only one can be crowned the best. Here's a look at each show before I make my pick.

The case against the Sopranos: Five years ago this would have been the hands down winner by most accounts. Heck, even two years ago. But the show's highly anticipated return this year after a year and a half layoff has been a big letdown and like a fading sports star who hangs on for too long it looks like the Sopranos didn't know when to quit.

The case against 24: This is the kind of show that you need to watch from day one and since I didn't I haven't been able to watch. I've still caught parts of it on syndication since like Seinfeld its on tv on some channel every night. The parts I have seen have been good so I can see why people like it so much. And of course you have to give them bonus points for having casted Elisha Cuthbert. The idea to shoot a show within the time frame of one day is a groundbreaking idea but ultimately there's only so much you can do within that premise. Honeslty how many times can Cuthbert get kidnapped?

The case against House: I'm so sick of hospital dramas that House and Grey's Anatomy get disqualified automatically. If they were eligible I still wouldn't chose House because the premise of every episode is that there's some strange disease that no one's ever heard of and House has to solve the case. I'm sorry but if the hospital staff is that bad that they never know what the hell anything is then I can't vote for them.

The case for Lost: Well you knew I was going to pick Lost. The only question was why. And it's in the writing. J.J. Abrahams who just produced MI3 is the best young mind in Hollywood. Anything he touches turns to gold. Unless of course you're talking about Tom Cruise's approval rating. Cruise aside all of his shows from Lost to Alias have been critically accliamed. Lost rivals 24 for best premise and then outshines it in character development, back story, and plot. No other show has conflict between characters and themselves, characters and other characters, and between characters and their environment. Throw in the use of flashbacks and dream sequences and the show has every element of a Shakespearen play. Seriously people, it's not even close. Lost is the best show on tv. Next question.

Shame(s) on You: Marlins Fans

Shame(s) on you so called followers of Floridian baseball. Your support of your home town team is making me sick.

You can't blame it on the weather since it hasn't rained all season. You can't blame it on the product on the field because you didn't even go when they were good the last two seasons. You can't even blame the ticket prices because they aren't even that bad. Not even by cheap Jew standards. In fact, there's no one to blame but yourselves.

Your apathy is self inflicted and I can't understand why for the life of me. This is South Florida for crying out loud. This is a baseball hotbead where a majority of the American born players in MLB come from since you can play year round. This is where the majority of spring training is held after all. This is the one place where baseball should be thriving. Having poor attendance at Marlins and Devil Rays games would be like having poor attendance at Montreal Canadiens games in the NHL. And that obviously won't be happening anytime soon.

That analogy leads me to the last remaining excuse that I've heard which is that people don't support the Marlins since they don't have the history of say the Canadiens or the Yankees. That it's hard to build up a fan base in only ten years especially when you've had two fire sales in that time span.

In reponse to that I say that I'd rather root for an expansion team because you can follow them from day one and never be accussed of becoming a front runner if you join too late. And as for those pesky firesales, yeah they suck, but you've also one two world championships and have a good young core that could easily win again in the next five years. And the Colorado Rockies can't say that.

So stop making excuses and get your asses out to the ballpark. It's really pathetic that there were more people at the Houston 500 than were in the stands on Tuesday night against the Braves. Friday night against the Cardinals was even worse as they actually ran out of people to show up on the Titantron and had to start repeating people by the fifth inning. Luckily for Brian and I they weren't desperate enough to put us up on the kiss cam. But the fact that it almost came to that is inexcusable.

So to all you so called Marlins fans out there I strongly suggest you start going out to games and supporting your team or before you know it they're going to be playing in Las Vegas and you're going to be watching Bass Fishing Championship at your local sports bar.

Shame(s) on You: Buster Olney

Shame(s) on You Buster Olney so called ESPN baseball insider although I use that term loosely.

Yesterday on ESPN radio on the Mike and Mike in the morning show with Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg you came on to talk about some late breaking developments around MLB. Some so called scoops that 'only Olney' would have dips on.

With my curiosity peaked I sat in my car in the parking lot at work anxiously awaiting word on your scoop. And much to my chagrin what you revealed was that Cubs manager Dusty Baker could get fired and the Mets could trade for A's starting pitcher Barry Zito. Well, thank you for that Captain Obvious. What are you going to tell me next? That Barry Bonds is one homerun away from tying Babe Ruth on the all time hr list? Or maybe you'd like to point out that Pete Rose still isn't in the Hall of Fame.

Considering that the Cubs have lost six straight and have only scored 40 runs in 17 games without Derrek Lee after scoring 72 in 16 with him it's no surprise that he's on the hot seat. Baker's inability to compensate for the loss of Lee is just one of his many pratfalls. He's been on the firing squad in Chicago ever since he came over from San Francisco. It was inevitable that he would get fired sooner rather than later. Is that really such a big deal?

As for Zito his name has been linked to the Mets ever since they hired his former pitching coach Rick Peterson. For two years now he's been rumored to be on his way to Flushing for various prospects ranging from Lastings Milledge to Aaron Heilman. The fact that Victor Zambrano is now out for the year doesn't change the fact that the Mets would be interested in Zito. That is not breaking news sorry to break it to you Buster.

Now would you please go back to your cubicle and come up with something that my 11 year old cousin couldn't have told me. Or is that who you get your information from?

Hey Olney are you going to call in tomorrow and let everyone know that Victor Zambrano is out for the year? Speaking of which some people are blaming his injury on the WBC. Check out the story here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12668291/. Although if you want to read about it when I first stated it last month read about that here: http://imaheadcase.blogspot.com/2006/04/2k6-baseball-preview.html

The Blog Turns One

I just realized that today marks the one year anniversary of www.imaheadcase.blogspot.com!!!!!

Which means that for the last 365 days I have brought you my quirky, zany brand of humor as only I can. From lists to editorials to anecdotes from my life I've used every possible medium through which to entertain you all. Well, almost every possible medium.

That's because I have only begun to scratch the surface of my creativity. This coming year I will delve deeper into the depths of my subconscience with all new features such as:

My original short story series, The True Adventures of Patches Fitzpatrick.

A complete overview of my comedy routines called the Comedy Chronicles of Craig.

And a brand new column that you won't find anywhere else entitled, 'In Defense Of', in which I will defend those people and places that get unmercifully ridiculed by the masses.

All that plus lots more including interactive surveys, controversial debates and all your old favorites such as Shame(s) on You editorials, Craig's lists, my world famous Week In Review ruminations, and of course the Shames-o-matic prediction meter.

So don't go anywhere, I'm just getting started.

Softball Week One Recap

Well, it wasn't pretty. In my return to the mound I struggled with walks again giving up 8 runs over 4 innings including a grand slam that followed 2 walks. All in all, I probably walked 5 people including one girl and one guy before a girl which since they think you are trying to pitch around that hitter is a two base walk.

When I did get the ball over the plate I was effective inducing all ground ball outs. It was just that I couldn't get the ball over consistently enough since it was a different type of ball than I'm used to using and I couldn't get a good grip on it. At least that's the excuse I'm going with this time. Trust me that excuse sounds better than the other one I was thinking of using which was to blame last year's hurricanes.

The rest of the team didn't far so well either as we probably made about 20 errors losing 17-10. But we'll just call that rust. We'll get them next time.

Girlfriend of the Week: Jenny Finch

In honor of the start of the softball season today I have chosen the poster child/sex symbol of softball as my girlfriend of the week, the one and only, Jenny Finch. Tall, blonde, and really good at what she does Finch has become a b list celebrity parlaying her fame into magazine spreads, countless public appearances, and near iconic status.

Publicity aside I chose her more for what she does on the field since we're both all star pitchers. I'm sure that when I'm back on the mound today for the first time since my infamous meltdown that I will be drawing inspiration from her. Yeah, right. The only thing that I'll be drawing is the ire of my teammates as I walk the ballpark. But it's the thought that counts right?

I don't know whose luckier. Diamondbacks pitcher Casey Daigle or that dog that she always carries around next to her chest.

Finch showing off the form that made her a U.S. Olympian.

Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

I'm not afraid to admit that I kind of like MTV"s new show, 'Yo Mamma'. The premise is that you get two people to get head to head telling mom jokes or just jokes that rag on the other person. It's like a rap battle minus the beat. You basically are just trading one liners back and forth and it's surprisingly good. I thought about it for a while and one of my favorite yo mamma jokes that I came up with was, "your mom's tits sag so much that the Screen Actor's Guild just chose her as their first spokesperson." Bada bing!

Chris Berman had the line of the week during the NFL Draft when after the Giants picked Boston College Defensive End Mathius Kiwanuka saying that along with Usi Umeniyora they now have a great team for scrabble.

If the last name Armas means weapons in Spanish is it safe to say that Washington Nationals pitcher Tony Armas has a cannon for an arm?

Speaking of baseball, I love when the St. Louis Cardinals come to town to play the Marlins. That's because I can go around the bars trying to pick up girls while pretending to be Cardinals shortstop David Eckstein.

This week was Fleet Week in South Florida which reminded me of the time I got screwed over by a bunch of Sailors. I was back in New York at my cousin's graduation party from college and all her hot sorority friends were there. I was the only guy in his 20's there so I was a lock to be the center of attention. Just as I'm about to make my move I hear all this commotion at the front of the yard where 6 Sailors just came out of the woodwork wearing full dress uniforms and carrying bouquets of roses. Apparently, my Aunt was sponsoring some Sailors who were from out of town and didn't know anyone in the area. After that I didn't even bother trying to talk to the girls. Stupid Sailors. Find your own Bettys! Those were mine!

While at the Marlins game on Friday night I was trying to convince Brian that I would make a great major league scout. I even told him that I could look at the little kids in the crowd and identify which ones would become athletes. I saw one kid climbing all over his seat, jumping up and down, and I said that kid is going to play soccer because he has so much restless energy and likes to run around. Then I saw a little girl fascinated by the Marlins cheerleaders and I just knew that she would want to be one when she got older. Eventually, Brian and I both spotted this kid with his back to the field. He was more interested in playing with this Marlins flag that his parents had gotten him. I looked at Brian and said now there's a kid who won't be an athlete.

Twilight Zone Update

In case you were wondering the Twilight Zone daily occurences haven't let up at all. Here are some more examples for you:

On Wednesday I blogged about John McCain becoming the next President. Then at the Marlins game on Friday night the guy behind me was talking to his buddy about how he hopes McCain wins the primary so he can vote for him for President. How it will be the first time he votes for a Republican for President.

While driving with Brian on Thurdsay night on the way to softball practice I said to myself that I feel like I'm on the Amazing Race having to bob and weave in and out of traffic in order to make it somewhere on time. I even thought about driving up on the shoulder. Then minutes later on the radio there was a promo for the Amazing Race.

And lastly if you thought it was weird when I read about the domino theory and then saw an elaborate domino scene in the movie Robots then you'll really think it's weird that at Friday night's Marlins game they gave out Dominos to every fan. Come on now. Of all the things in the world to give out at a baseball game someone came up with the idea to give out dominos. That's so random. And yet I was there to receive them.

Cinco De Mayo

You may not be aware of it but today is Cinco De Mayo and chances are that even though you didn't know every drunken assclown from here to West Bumblefuck knows about it. Hell they are probably out there right now at their favorite watering hole celebrating Cinco De Mayo eve.

If there was ever an excuse to drink this is it. I'm willing to bet that 90% of the people out tonight won't even know why they are out there. Won't even know that they are celebrating Mexican Independence Day. It's really taken on a life of it's own as one of the biggest party days of the year right up there with St. Patrick's Day and the night before Thanksgiving.

In fact if Hallmark can make up holidays like secretary's day, mother's day, and father's day then it makes sense that beer distributors like Budweiser can latch onto the national holidays of foreign countries. Although they have yet to latch onto anything Canadien related because as we all know Americans look down upon Canadiens. More on that to follow next week.

For now just take a look at some other holidays that either Hallmark or beer distributors should add to their repetoires:

Best friend day
Pet day
Family reunion day
National treat yourself day
Spirituality day
Sports day
Craig Shames day

Softball Is Back!!!!!

After seven long months I'm finally ready to return to a softball field for the first time since my infamous ninth inning meltdown in the playoffs last fall. In case you haven't heard the story yet I was handed a five run lead in the top of the 9th after we batted around to regain the lead in a back and forth game. I got the first two outs quickly and then proceeded to walk 7 people eventually caughing up the lead on a bases loaded single. It was a disgraceful performance and I thought that I would never play softball ever again.

But the temptation to return to the old stomping ground was just too strong. When presented with the opportunity to play on a coed team for jewish singles I jumped at the opportunity. Our first game is on Sunday but tonight we have our first practice. I can't wait to meet the people on my team and show them what I can do. Hopefully, my reputation won't proceed me like it did the time I did stand up comedy and a bunch of people got up and left before I even started talking.

Speaking of comedy playing in a co-ed league is going to be a riot. Not because the girls will suck and I will laugh at them. But because the girls will be better than me and everybody will laugh at me. But hey I'm okay with that because I'm just happy to be on the field again. I just hope that I don't have to pitch.

The Gospel According To Me

Contrary to popular belief I actually say a lof of smart things. It's a gift really. The only problem is that when the only skill you have is making quirky observations you're not going to get very far in life. That's why it pays to have actual skills and talents. Since I don't my powers of observation will have to do. Here are three of my most recent assertions that I think you will be hard pressed to disagree with:

1. Ben Stiller is only good as a character actor - Ben, one of the leading members of the Frat Pack that also consists of Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Will Ferrell, and Jack Black just can't hack it when he plays a regular guy in a movie. Considering a body of work that includes movies like Along Came Polly, Duplex, Meet the Fockers, and Greed it's amazing that Stiller even has a good reputation. Yet it's because of his greatness in movies in which he plays created characters that he's earned his stripes. I mean if it wasn't for his roles in Zoolander, Starsky and Hutch, and especially Dodgeball would we even care for Mr. Costanza's real son?

2. Paul Tagliabue is the best commissioner in sports - He realigned the leagues, negotiated labor peace, expanded to several new cities, got the NFL a very lucrative tv deal, added instant replay, created a league in Europe, and even put the XFL out of business. Considering that under his stewardship football surpassed baseball as America's national pasttime it's safe to say that he's the best. And when you consider that his competition includes Bud Selig whose ruining baseball, Gary Bettman who shut down the NHL for a year, and mini me David Stern whose more incomponent than an old man is impotent. Tagliabue would be the best by default but even against good competition he's still the best.

3. John McCain will be the next President - He's technically a Republican so the fact that there are more red states than blue states helps him right off the bat. Throw in the fact that he's going up against a weak field of Democratic candidates including Al Gore, Howard Dean and Hillary Clinton and he's practically a shoo-in. A near lock when you add in the fact that he's a war hero and one of the leading proponents of campaign finance reform. He even has a president sounding name. And you can take that to the bank.

Here are some more assertions that are undeniably true:

It rains a lot in Seattle.

The Free Masons actually run the world.

The world will end in 2035.

The Yankees don't suck.

When someone says it's raining cats and dogs they don't mean it literally.

Milk will go sour after it's expiration date not before.

It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter.

Reading is fundamental.

The NBA is fan-tastic!

What goes around comes around. Especially when having a catch with a boomerrang.

It's better to give than to receive unless you're talking about oral sex.

Shames on Shames: Attention Whore

Barry Bonds isn't the only person who can have his own platform from where he self promotes and gives his side of the story. Thanks to blogger.com now I can have my own forum as well. Which is why all week long I'll be giving you all a rare introspective look at my inner thoughts as only I can. It's everything you ever wanted to know about Craig Shames from the man himself.

Up today, Shames on craving attention:

I'll admit it. I'm an attention whore. Hard to believe isn't it? Especially since it's hard to believe that someone with my sexual prowess can be a whore of any kind and yet I've managed to become an attention whore. But the truth is, I just can't help myself.

Attention is a lot like sugar. Once you have it in your system you want more. And I could really go for some chocolate right now. I'm not quite sure when I turned into such a big whore. It probably was some time in college since that's really when I started to come out of my shell. I realized after years of being a wallflower in high school that I needed to speak up more and assert myself socially.

It turns out though that what I wound up saying were outlandish things that did nothing more than befuddle the people around me. Faced with the difficult decision of either saying nothing or saying ridiculously over the top things I chose the later. And the world hasn't been the same since.

In fact, the advent of this blog has just fueled my desire to say more and more crazy things. After all, the old Craig would have never been quoted in the Chicago Tribune, drawn the ire of feminist groups, or been contacted by members of the Free Masons. The attention whore version of myself however has done all that and more.

And truthfully it feels good to finally get the long overdue recognition that I deserve albeit that people recognize me for being a dumb ass half the time. At least they are finally acknowledging what I have to say! Which begs the question: is it better to say intelligent things that no one hears or outlandish things that everyone hears?

I'll let that one marinate in your head for a while. I'm off to the strip club to visit some people who crave attention even more than I do.

The Ticket

One of the best parts about moving to Florida are the sports talk shows. I've really taken to 790 am, The Ticket. Back in New York I had to put up with the constant whining and bickering of Mike and the Mad Dog and the incoherent psycho babble of Stephen A. Smith. The only hosts that I liked were Brandon Tierney and Don La Greca and neither of him even had their own shows.

Salvation is upon me though because in South Florida there are good shows with really creative programming. The thing that I like about The Ticket is that when something comes up in conversation they immediately turn it into something that listeners can interact with. For example, they were talking about the Florida Marlins payroll and how Yankees GM Brian Cashman has the perfect name for a man with an open checkbook. In turn they asked listeners to come up with sports names for a man who was running a penny pinching operation like the Marlins. Names that were dropped included Brad Penny, Rachel Nichols, R.W. McQuarters, Syd Thrift, and even Ryan Dempster changed to Ryan Dumpster.

Then the other day they asked listeners to come up with the best redheaded athletes of all time. Wade Boggs and Bill Walton were up there obviously but listeners also nominated the Worm Dennis Rodman. It was really a great segment. But not nearly as great as their bit over the weekend, the Mocking Draft, in which to poke fun at the obsession of the NFL draft they drafted sound bites and infamous b list celebrities such as Chuck Norris. It was great.

Inspired by the greatness of this radio station I would like to nominate The Ticket as today's topic. If you have suggestions for sports names related to tickets call in and let me know. Here are some to get the ball rolling:

'Speedy' Claxton
Ty Law
Lawyer Milloy
Nate 'Speed' Bump
Flex Wheeler
Isiah 'Don't call me JR' Rider