After 14 months, 443 days and 617 posts the blog is finally coming to an end. I know that this is a sad day for everyone but I'm certain that you will be able to move on in time and when you do you'll become a stronger person.
It was inevitable that the blog was going to end at some point. Now that I'm living in Florida my consecutive days streak was at risk of being tarnished by a thunderstorm or hurricane that would knock out the power. So I thought it would be better to go out on my own terms.
I also knew that if I were to get a teaching job that it would be impossible and improbable to continue blogging everyday. With that in mind I knew the end was near since the start of the school year is around the corner. I also wanted to free myself up to pursue other projects such as working on the movie that I'm writing with my roommate. That certainly hopes to be a far more lucrative endeavor than this one.
Before I go, I just wanted to thank everyone for reading my random thoughts all this time. It was your comments and feedback that inspired me to keep going for as long as I did. I hope that you have found something to your liking whether it was my Shame(s) on you rants, Shames-o-matic predictions, Craig's lists, or weekly ruminations on life.
There's a chance that I could start blogging again down the road but for now I think the timing is right to move on. Thanks again for reading and leave some love if you want to comment on anything that you've read up to now.
Peace out.
- Craig
Monday, July 24, 2006
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Girlfriend of the Week: Sophia Bush
Chad Michael Murray's loss is my gain. And I couldn't be happier. After all, where else are you going to find a girl as cute as Sophia Bush? Those dimples are simply irrestible. Unfortunately, her acting is not. But that's okay because when I'm standing in line on opening night of John Tucker Must Die it won't be to see her academy award winning performance. It'll be to see her make out with my all time #1 hottie, Brittany Snow. I can't wait!
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
I think I can get drunk off of Chicken Marsala.
I don't get all this talk about sticking it to the man? Who is this man that keeps on getting sticked? Does he mind getting sticked? If that was me I would be getting pretty mad that so many people want to stick it to me. I would hate to be the guy that finally provokes this man into retailation.
Have you ever felt like you were being followed? Well if you're walking to your car in a crowded parking lot you probably are.
At what point does your taste change with music and clothes? Like when I get older am I going to like the music that's out then or will I be listening to an oldies station that's playing Greenday and U2? And at what point did I stop shopping at the Gap and start shopping at Sears? Does this happen gradually or all at once?
I hate that guys are supposed to give up their jackets to girls if they are cold. I mean we were smart enough to bring one so why should we be the ones to freeze?! It doesn't make any sense.
If I go to the pick up line at the pharmacy does the girl that works there have to give me her phone number?
Why is it that your own voice sounds different to other people than to yourself but when you do impersonations it sounds like it should to everybody?
Starbursts are known as fruit chews which raises an interesting question: what the hell is a chew? Is it a form of currency since chocolate bars were based on gold bars?
Do you think that there are people out there you have a religious fetish? I mean it would be one thing if people only want to date within their religion but I wonder if people take it as far as to get turned on by religion. Like their idea of foreplay is going to church. Or their idea of roleplaying is getting dressed up like a priest and nun. Perhaps they go to the local porn shop and rent Debbie Does the Vatican.
I think I can get drunk off of Chicken Marsala.
I don't get all this talk about sticking it to the man? Who is this man that keeps on getting sticked? Does he mind getting sticked? If that was me I would be getting pretty mad that so many people want to stick it to me. I would hate to be the guy that finally provokes this man into retailation.
Have you ever felt like you were being followed? Well if you're walking to your car in a crowded parking lot you probably are.
At what point does your taste change with music and clothes? Like when I get older am I going to like the music that's out then or will I be listening to an oldies station that's playing Greenday and U2? And at what point did I stop shopping at the Gap and start shopping at Sears? Does this happen gradually or all at once?
I hate that guys are supposed to give up their jackets to girls if they are cold. I mean we were smart enough to bring one so why should we be the ones to freeze?! It doesn't make any sense.
If I go to the pick up line at the pharmacy does the girl that works there have to give me her phone number?
Why is it that your own voice sounds different to other people than to yourself but when you do impersonations it sounds like it should to everybody?
Starbursts are known as fruit chews which raises an interesting question: what the hell is a chew? Is it a form of currency since chocolate bars were based on gold bars?
Do you think that there are people out there you have a religious fetish? I mean it would be one thing if people only want to date within their religion but I wonder if people take it as far as to get turned on by religion. Like their idea of foreplay is going to church. Or their idea of roleplaying is getting dressed up like a priest and nun. Perhaps they go to the local porn shop and rent Debbie Does the Vatican.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Weekly Twilight Zone Update
The crazyiness continues with these eery examples:
1. The day after I come to AROD's defense all the major sports talk shows are discussing the Yankees fans' treatment of the reigning AL MVP. Do I have my finger on the pulse of America or was his plight only covered by the mainstream media because I was thinking about it?
2. On Wednesday I thought to myself how I wouldn't mind being a high school volleyball coach if I couldn't coach the baeball or softball teams. Later that night at the eye doctor's office there was a volleyball in the corner of the room. Come on now. A volleyball in the corner of an eye doctor's office!
3. On Thursday I was thinking about plastic surgery and how fake the girls in Flordia are and how I wanted to include that topic in my movie. Later that night Brian came running in telling me all about this new premise he had for his comedy routine...plastic surgery on guys.
*And as if all those examples weren't proof enough there were also multiple references to Jake Gyllanhaal, Charmed, and sinking ships.
1. The day after I come to AROD's defense all the major sports talk shows are discussing the Yankees fans' treatment of the reigning AL MVP. Do I have my finger on the pulse of America or was his plight only covered by the mainstream media because I was thinking about it?
2. On Wednesday I thought to myself how I wouldn't mind being a high school volleyball coach if I couldn't coach the baeball or softball teams. Later that night at the eye doctor's office there was a volleyball in the corner of the room. Come on now. A volleyball in the corner of an eye doctor's office!
3. On Thursday I was thinking about plastic surgery and how fake the girls in Flordia are and how I wanted to include that topic in my movie. Later that night Brian came running in telling me all about this new premise he had for his comedy routine...plastic surgery on guys.
*And as if all those examples weren't proof enough there were also multiple references to Jake Gyllanhaal, Charmed, and sinking ships.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Value Up, Value Down
Here's a look at five things that are hot right now and five things that have seen better times.
Value Up:
1. The World Wide Web - Some members of Congress might not know what it is but for those of us who do it's no longer just email, news, and sports scores. With dating services, personal sites like myspace and thefacebook and informative sites like wikipedia we are now in the golden age of the information age.
2. Interactive tv - Between the Lost Experience and webisodes of The Office tv networks are taking things to the next level. Personally I love the ideas because the one criticism of network television are the constant reruns and down time. Concepts like this help pass the time in between seasons and the fans are the real winners here.
3. Larry Johnson - Grandmama 2 came out of nowhere last year to dominate in the second half of the season for the Chiefs and now he is the most talked about football player on the planet even more so than Terrell Owens. Is there a magazine cover he's not on or commercial he's not in?
Value down
1. Yankees fans - I don't even want to be one anymore if you're going to continue booing Alex Rodriguez for no reason at all. The boos are tarnishing the image of used to be one of baseball's best fan bases.
2. Middle East violence - Enough already!
3. Global warming - 112 in Bismark in July and more Hurricanes than at a University of Miami football game. Yeah there's no such thing as global warming.
4. The Wayans brothers - How did somebody read the script to Little Man and think that it would be a good idea?
5. Dry eye - Having it sucks. If you could trade illnesses I would gladly trade in my dry eye for some asthma. And yes I'm being serious.
Value Up:
1. The World Wide Web - Some members of Congress might not know what it is but for those of us who do it's no longer just email, news, and sports scores. With dating services, personal sites like myspace and thefacebook and informative sites like wikipedia we are now in the golden age of the information age.
2. Interactive tv - Between the Lost Experience and webisodes of The Office tv networks are taking things to the next level. Personally I love the ideas because the one criticism of network television are the constant reruns and down time. Concepts like this help pass the time in between seasons and the fans are the real winners here.
3. Larry Johnson - Grandmama 2 came out of nowhere last year to dominate in the second half of the season for the Chiefs and now he is the most talked about football player on the planet even more so than Terrell Owens. Is there a magazine cover he's not on or commercial he's not in?
Value down
1. Yankees fans - I don't even want to be one anymore if you're going to continue booing Alex Rodriguez for no reason at all. The boos are tarnishing the image of used to be one of baseball's best fan bases.
2. Middle East violence - Enough already!
3. Global warming - 112 in Bismark in July and more Hurricanes than at a University of Miami football game. Yeah there's no such thing as global warming.
4. The Wayans brothers - How did somebody read the script to Little Man and think that it would be a good idea?
5. Dry eye - Having it sucks. If you could trade illnesses I would gladly trade in my dry eye for some asthma. And yes I'm being serious.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Craig's Lists: You Might Be a Loser If
No apartments for rent here. Just another hilarious list. This week I take a look at things you might do if you were a loser. Some of these I speak from experience on. Can you guess which ones?
You might be a loser if:
You have tivoed an episode of Battlestar Galletica.
You subscribe to Gamepro Magazine.
You've gone to the movies alone.
You've never had any cavities.
You've bought flowers for yourself.
When a baseball announcer says, 'for those of you scoring along at home', he's talking to you.
You've bought your whole wardrobe from one store.
You've been planning your wedding since you were 10.
You used to have an imaginary friend.
You know the words to the Golden Girls theme song.
You've played Dungeons and Dragons.
Your idea of a vacation is going to San Diego for ComicCon.
Your best friend is your pet.
You're coming in from a night out just as other people are going out.
The word gigabit means something to you.
You're looking forward to the Transformers movie.
You've ordered something from the Home Shopping Network.
You still have unopened packs of baseball cards from when you were a kid.
You shower with a bathing suit on.
You're still reading this list.
You swim with googles and a nose plug.
All the funny things you say are really quotes from movies.
You're reading this from your parent's basement.
Your idea of a date is eating one.
Your idea of clubbing is playing golf.
You still eat Flintstones vitamins.
You prefer taking a bubblebath to a shower.
You're male and you've taken a quiz in an issue of Cosmopolitan.
You play along to Jeopardy.
You've lent someone a dvd or video game and never asked for it back.
The only people who message you on myspace are night club promoters.
You correct people's grammar mid sentence.
You're a two beer queer.
You were multiple layers at all times just in case an impromptu strip poker game breaks out.
You study the scrabble dictionary.
When you go out with your friends you're the one taking all the pictures.
You've hosted a tuppelware party.
You've fantasized about Princess Lea.
You might be a loser if:
You have tivoed an episode of Battlestar Galletica.
You subscribe to Gamepro Magazine.
You've gone to the movies alone.
You've never had any cavities.
You've bought flowers for yourself.
When a baseball announcer says, 'for those of you scoring along at home', he's talking to you.
You've bought your whole wardrobe from one store.
You've been planning your wedding since you were 10.
You used to have an imaginary friend.
You know the words to the Golden Girls theme song.
You've played Dungeons and Dragons.
Your idea of a vacation is going to San Diego for ComicCon.
Your best friend is your pet.
You're coming in from a night out just as other people are going out.
The word gigabit means something to you.
You're looking forward to the Transformers movie.
You've ordered something from the Home Shopping Network.
You still have unopened packs of baseball cards from when you were a kid.
You shower with a bathing suit on.
You're still reading this list.
You swim with googles and a nose plug.
All the funny things you say are really quotes from movies.
You're reading this from your parent's basement.
Your idea of a date is eating one.
Your idea of clubbing is playing golf.
You still eat Flintstones vitamins.
You prefer taking a bubblebath to a shower.
You're male and you've taken a quiz in an issue of Cosmopolitan.
You play along to Jeopardy.
You've lent someone a dvd or video game and never asked for it back.
The only people who message you on myspace are night club promoters.
You correct people's grammar mid sentence.
You're a two beer queer.
You were multiple layers at all times just in case an impromptu strip poker game breaks out.
You study the scrabble dictionary.
When you go out with your friends you're the one taking all the pictures.
You've hosted a tuppelware party.
You've fantasized about Princess Lea.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
In Defense of: AROD
The entire world hates Yankees thirdbaseman Alex Rodriguez even more than they do the United States. Every man, woman, and child regardless of race, creed or ethnicity has one thing in common: they're all jealous of baseball's million dollar man. Everyone that is, except for me.
Which is why I'm going to go to bat for AROD and defend him where others, not even Yankees captain Derek Jeter have. Perhaps I'm just a pushover but I can't stand to see everyone take a shot at Rodriguez when he hasn't done anything wrong. Keep in mind that in a steriods era he's one of the few guys hitting homeruns without any help. And yet people still boo him. In fact, in his home ballpark he gets booed more than Jason Giambi, an admitted steriods user. And this in a year in which he won the American League MVP award.
I don't get that. I also don't get how people don't like a guy whose genuiely a nice person and who says all the right things. Perhaps they think he's a phony and doesn't mean what he says. That he quietly is saying the opposite of everything he says in the press. But I don't buy it. He means well, he's just misunderstood because of who he is.
With the expectations being as high as they are for him he can never do anything right. Keep in mind though that he's playing a sport where failing 7 out of 10 times means you're a hall of famer. To hold him to such high standards in a sport predicated on failure is unfair. But that's the way it's been for him so far. And unless he wins a World Series in New York he's going to be considered a failure.
The way I see it though, even without a championship ring he's still the best player in the American League, if not all of baseball. I just wish everyone else would see that. Especially his hometown fans.
Which is why I'm going to go to bat for AROD and defend him where others, not even Yankees captain Derek Jeter have. Perhaps I'm just a pushover but I can't stand to see everyone take a shot at Rodriguez when he hasn't done anything wrong. Keep in mind that in a steriods era he's one of the few guys hitting homeruns without any help. And yet people still boo him. In fact, in his home ballpark he gets booed more than Jason Giambi, an admitted steriods user. And this in a year in which he won the American League MVP award.
I don't get that. I also don't get how people don't like a guy whose genuiely a nice person and who says all the right things. Perhaps they think he's a phony and doesn't mean what he says. That he quietly is saying the opposite of everything he says in the press. But I don't buy it. He means well, he's just misunderstood because of who he is.
With the expectations being as high as they are for him he can never do anything right. Keep in mind though that he's playing a sport where failing 7 out of 10 times means you're a hall of famer. To hold him to such high standards in a sport predicated on failure is unfair. But that's the way it's been for him so far. And unless he wins a World Series in New York he's going to be considered a failure.
The way I see it though, even without a championship ring he's still the best player in the American League, if not all of baseball. I just wish everyone else would see that. Especially his hometown fans.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Team Oren Sweeps Doubleheader
Davie, Fl -
In their first game in seven weeks, Team Oren (3-2) bounced back in a big way after starting the year out 1-2 with a double header sweep on Sunday despite oppressive temperatures in the mid 90's.
In the first game Team Oren won easily, 24-5, as their offense came alive to lead the way. The 24 runs were two more than their previous season high of 22. The game was a lot closer than the final score indicated though as it was 4-2 after three innings.
However, Team Oren exploded in the top of the sixth inning for 11 runs on the strength of two grand slams by Big Pappa Brian Berkowicz and the seven foot tall Greg who was filling in from the Black Team. Everybody scored at least one run, including Craig who scored from first on a single, and Oren, Joanne, Brian, and Ken all scored three times. Seth chipped in four rbis despite playing on one foot and Oren added three more.
Berkowicz added two more homeruns in the second game to lead Team Oren to a come from behind win 11-10 over the favored red team. The fact that Team Oren was able to win the second game against a fresh team when everyone on the team was on the verge of collpasing from dehyrdation and doing so when they trailed by 3 runs entering into the last inning was simply amazing.
This time around it was the defense that lead the way as Andrew from the yellow team, who was filling in at third, threw out a runner from this knees, while Berkowicz, who was playing shortstop for the first time all year had an inning where he contributed to all three outs with an unassisted double play and an over the shoulder catch in centerfield. But the play of the game has got to go to Craig who threw out a runner at second base after fielding a basehit in right centerfield, and while moving away from the field, spun, and threw a strike to second base without even looking where he was throwing.
All of those great plays and solid pitching from Kevin helped keep Team Oren in the game, eventually paving the way for their 4 run rally in the bottom of the sixth inning that culminated with Joe scoring on a wild throw to first base on the back end of a double play attempt.
All in all, Team Oren showed their heart laying it all out on the field, refusing to lose when the deck was stacked against them. With an all out team effort like this every time Team Oren is going to hard to beat from here on out. And with the two wins they are now in great position to lock up a playoff spot in the coming weeks.
Box Score (Both games combined)
Craig 6 for 8 with 2 runs, 2 rbis
Oren 7 for 9 with 3 runs, 4 rbis
Mara 2 for 8 with 2 runs
Brian 8 for 8 with a walk, 7 runs, 9 rbi, and three homeruns
Seth 8 for 9 with 3 runs, 5 rbi
Joe 5 for 9 with 3 runs, 1 rbi
Kevin 3 for 9 with 2 runs
Great job guys. Keep it up.
- Craig
In their first game in seven weeks, Team Oren (3-2) bounced back in a big way after starting the year out 1-2 with a double header sweep on Sunday despite oppressive temperatures in the mid 90's.
In the first game Team Oren won easily, 24-5, as their offense came alive to lead the way. The 24 runs were two more than their previous season high of 22. The game was a lot closer than the final score indicated though as it was 4-2 after three innings.
However, Team Oren exploded in the top of the sixth inning for 11 runs on the strength of two grand slams by Big Pappa Brian Berkowicz and the seven foot tall Greg who was filling in from the Black Team. Everybody scored at least one run, including Craig who scored from first on a single, and Oren, Joanne, Brian, and Ken all scored three times. Seth chipped in four rbis despite playing on one foot and Oren added three more.
Berkowicz added two more homeruns in the second game to lead Team Oren to a come from behind win 11-10 over the favored red team. The fact that Team Oren was able to win the second game against a fresh team when everyone on the team was on the verge of collpasing from dehyrdation and doing so when they trailed by 3 runs entering into the last inning was simply amazing.
This time around it was the defense that lead the way as Andrew from the yellow team, who was filling in at third, threw out a runner from this knees, while Berkowicz, who was playing shortstop for the first time all year had an inning where he contributed to all three outs with an unassisted double play and an over the shoulder catch in centerfield. But the play of the game has got to go to Craig who threw out a runner at second base after fielding a basehit in right centerfield, and while moving away from the field, spun, and threw a strike to second base without even looking where he was throwing.
All of those great plays and solid pitching from Kevin helped keep Team Oren in the game, eventually paving the way for their 4 run rally in the bottom of the sixth inning that culminated with Joe scoring on a wild throw to first base on the back end of a double play attempt.
All in all, Team Oren showed their heart laying it all out on the field, refusing to lose when the deck was stacked against them. With an all out team effort like this every time Team Oren is going to hard to beat from here on out. And with the two wins they are now in great position to lock up a playoff spot in the coming weeks.
Box Score (Both games combined)
Craig 6 for 8 with 2 runs, 2 rbis
Oren 7 for 9 with 3 runs, 4 rbis
Mara 2 for 8 with 2 runs
Brian 8 for 8 with a walk, 7 runs, 9 rbi, and three homeruns
Seth 8 for 9 with 3 runs, 5 rbi
Joe 5 for 9 with 3 runs, 1 rbi
Kevin 3 for 9 with 2 runs
Great job guys. Keep it up.
- Craig
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Girlfriend of the Week: Alyssa Milano
As a continuation of my tribute to Italy's World Cup win this week's girlfriend of the week is the hottest Italian girl that I could think of, the one and only Alyssa Milano. While Milano's star is fading faster than food from McDonald's through my stomach, she is still widely recognized as one of the hottest women on the planet. And who am I to argue with popular opinion?
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
I'm really surprised that Abercrombie and Fitch hasn't endorsed Marlins outfielder Reggie Abercrombie yet. I guess he doesn't fit their target audience.
Since I work in Boca Raton I guess I can say that I'm living La Vida Boca.
Am I the only jackass who wasn't aware that $2 bills were actually in circulation? This whole time I just thought that it was a joke whenever I heard about them.
How come our solar system doesn't have a name? Every other solar system in the Universe has a name but our own solar system is just known as The Solar System. I can't believe that no one has noticed this oversight yet.
The other day I was in the bathroom and I slipped and hit my head on the toilet bowl. It was at this time that I came up with the idea for the Deluxe Capacitor. It's like the Flux Capacitor from the Back to the Future movies except that it comes with coleslaw and a side of fries.
Would it be weird if I admitted that I kind of want to see, 'John Tucker Must Die'?
I don't understand why people ask someone to pull their finger when they want to fart? I don't know about you but my finger is not connected to my bowels.
I can't believe that some guy is suing Michael Jordan for $540 million just because everyone thinks he looks like him. That guy is messed up but I guess this means that I can now sue Harry Potter, Arthur the Aardvark, Jimmy Neurton, Curious George, Waldo, and Chewbacca.
Why does Sports Illustrated have words? Shouldn't it only have pictures?
I'm really surprised that Abercrombie and Fitch hasn't endorsed Marlins outfielder Reggie Abercrombie yet. I guess he doesn't fit their target audience.
Since I work in Boca Raton I guess I can say that I'm living La Vida Boca.
Am I the only jackass who wasn't aware that $2 bills were actually in circulation? This whole time I just thought that it was a joke whenever I heard about them.
How come our solar system doesn't have a name? Every other solar system in the Universe has a name but our own solar system is just known as The Solar System. I can't believe that no one has noticed this oversight yet.
The other day I was in the bathroom and I slipped and hit my head on the toilet bowl. It was at this time that I came up with the idea for the Deluxe Capacitor. It's like the Flux Capacitor from the Back to the Future movies except that it comes with coleslaw and a side of fries.
Would it be weird if I admitted that I kind of want to see, 'John Tucker Must Die'?
I don't understand why people ask someone to pull their finger when they want to fart? I don't know about you but my finger is not connected to my bowels.
I can't believe that some guy is suing Michael Jordan for $540 million just because everyone thinks he looks like him. That guy is messed up but I guess this means that I can now sue Harry Potter, Arthur the Aardvark, Jimmy Neurton, Curious George, Waldo, and Chewbacca.
Why does Sports Illustrated have words? Shouldn't it only have pictures?
Friday, July 14, 2006
Weekly Twilight Zone Update
The craziness continues with even more eery examples:
1. Wednesday night I read the script to Major League to see how a movie screenplay is written. Then on Thursday on 93.1 fm there was a promo for the station featuring an audio clip from the movie.
2. On Saturday night I saw Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and one of the characters had a starfish permanently imbedded onto his cheek. This a day after I watched Holy Man with Eddie Murphy in which he tells a story about a girl who ran along the beach and tried to save as many starfishes as she could before they died.
3. Wednesday at work I went to the bathroom and thought to myself that there was a good chance that while I was in there this weird guy who runs the water in the sink while he does his business would come in. And sure enough that guy came in.
4. Earlier in the week the Lost Expereince online game made a reference to Growing Pains and Alan Thick who played the dad. That was the first time that I had Alan Thick's name in over ten years. Since then I've heard it about ten times.
*There were also multiple references to Andrew Llyod Webber and I heard the word Juxtaposition used at least once almost every day.
1. Wednesday night I read the script to Major League to see how a movie screenplay is written. Then on Thursday on 93.1 fm there was a promo for the station featuring an audio clip from the movie.
2. On Saturday night I saw Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and one of the characters had a starfish permanently imbedded onto his cheek. This a day after I watched Holy Man with Eddie Murphy in which he tells a story about a girl who ran along the beach and tried to save as many starfishes as she could before they died.
3. Wednesday at work I went to the bathroom and thought to myself that there was a good chance that while I was in there this weird guy who runs the water in the sink while he does his business would come in. And sure enough that guy came in.
4. Earlier in the week the Lost Expereince online game made a reference to Growing Pains and Alan Thick who played the dad. That was the first time that I had Alan Thick's name in over ten years. Since then I've heard it about ten times.
*There were also multiple references to Andrew Llyod Webber and I heard the word Juxtaposition used at least once almost every day.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Craig's Lists: Things That Suck
No apartments for rent here. Just a hilarious list. This week I take a look at things that suck:
Missing your exit on a parkway and not being able to turn around again for 20 miles.
Realizing that you left food at the grocery store after you get home.
Getting the wrong order after leaving a take out place.
Taking a bite of something spicy and then realizing that you don't have anything to drink.
Drawing on yourself with a pen.
Stepping in gum.
Stepping in dog poo.
Stepping in a puddle.
Getting locked out of your house with the stove on.
Setting off your nieghbor's car alarm just after he leaves to go away for the weekend.
President Bush at public speaking.
Leaving tickets at home when going to either the airport or a sporting event.
Having your identity stolen.
Having movers steal your vortex football. Yeah I'm still bitter.
Coming up with a great idea for an invention and then finding out that somebody already beat you to it.
Getting cheated on.
Your mom.
Movies made by the Wayans Brothers.
Taking your pants to the dry cleaners and then realizing that you don't have any more pants to wear to work the next day.
Having a girl tell you she's not ready to start dating and then the next day she starts dating someone else.
Getting 3/4 through a movie you rented at Blockbuster and then finding out it's scratched.
Spilling wine on a new carpet.
Jennifer Love Hewitt's singing career.
In grown toe nails.
Getting caught masturbating.
Having to move to a new town during high school.
Getting crabs.
Brian's comedy routine.
This list.
This blog.
Missing your exit on a parkway and not being able to turn around again for 20 miles.
Realizing that you left food at the grocery store after you get home.
Getting the wrong order after leaving a take out place.
Taking a bite of something spicy and then realizing that you don't have anything to drink.
Drawing on yourself with a pen.
Stepping in gum.
Stepping in dog poo.
Stepping in a puddle.
Getting locked out of your house with the stove on.
Setting off your nieghbor's car alarm just after he leaves to go away for the weekend.
President Bush at public speaking.
Leaving tickets at home when going to either the airport or a sporting event.
Having your identity stolen.
Having movers steal your vortex football. Yeah I'm still bitter.
Coming up with a great idea for an invention and then finding out that somebody already beat you to it.
Getting cheated on.
Your mom.
Movies made by the Wayans Brothers.
Taking your pants to the dry cleaners and then realizing that you don't have any more pants to wear to work the next day.
Having a girl tell you she's not ready to start dating and then the next day she starts dating someone else.
Getting 3/4 through a movie you rented at Blockbuster and then finding out it's scratched.
Spilling wine on a new carpet.
Jennifer Love Hewitt's singing career.
In grown toe nails.
Getting caught masturbating.
Having to move to a new town during high school.
Getting crabs.
Brian's comedy routine.
This list.
This blog.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Funny, Not Funny
Move over TBS there's a new judge of what's funny and what's not and his name is Craig Shames. In the following segment I'm going to analyze all of today's biggest names in comedy so that you can know whose good and who just thinks they are.
Dave Chappelle - Funny if you're black.
Carlos Mencia - Funny if you're hispanic.
Jerry Seinfeld - Funny if you like situational observations. Even funnier when being impersonated: "who are these people and where did they come from."
Jim Carrey - Funny if you had a time machine and could go back to when he was on In Living Color.
Chris Rock - Funny if you're one of the few peopel who can understand what he's saying.
George Carlin - Funny if you like to listen to really long lists.
Bill Maher - Funny if you like political humor.
Jay Leno - Funny during opening monologue only.
Conan O'Brien - Funny during interviews and bits but not during monologue.
David Letterman - Funny if you have an AARP card.
Jon Stewart - Occasionally witty and good delivery but the majority of credit for his success should go to his writing staff.
Steven Colbert - Not funny but thinks he is.
Margaret Cho - Funny if you're a lesbian.
Darryl Hammond - Funny if you like impersonations.
Dane Cook - Funny if you're a girl between 18 and 35 or your name is Brian Berkowicz.
Aaron Karo - Funny if you were in a fraternity.
Bill Cosby - Only funny while being impersonated by someone else.
George Lopez - See Carlos Mencia.
Anybody with the last name Wayans - See Jim Carrey.
Ray Ramano - Funny while acting but not while performing stand up.
Larry David - Great writer, horrible performer.
Lisa Lampanelli - Funny if you like insult comedy.
Jackie Martin - Funny if you like dirty jokes.
Jeffrey Ross - Funny when roasting someone.
Jay Mohr - Isn't funny but thinks he is.
Jason Alexander - Only funny as George Costanza.
Bob Saget - Surprisingly funny especially if you like dirty jokes.
Monique - See Chappelle.
John Pinnette - Funny if you like to eat.
Gilbert Goffried - Funny if you're not distracted by his stage fright.
Nick Cannon - Funny if you're still in high school.
Flip Schultz - Funny if you're Jewish.
Dave Attel - Funny if you're presently wasted.
Jim Norton - Funny if you don't have a conscience.
Craig Shames - Funniest man alive!
Dave Chappelle - Funny if you're black.
Carlos Mencia - Funny if you're hispanic.
Jerry Seinfeld - Funny if you like situational observations. Even funnier when being impersonated: "who are these people and where did they come from."
Jim Carrey - Funny if you had a time machine and could go back to when he was on In Living Color.
Chris Rock - Funny if you're one of the few peopel who can understand what he's saying.
George Carlin - Funny if you like to listen to really long lists.
Bill Maher - Funny if you like political humor.
Jay Leno - Funny during opening monologue only.
Conan O'Brien - Funny during interviews and bits but not during monologue.
David Letterman - Funny if you have an AARP card.
Jon Stewart - Occasionally witty and good delivery but the majority of credit for his success should go to his writing staff.
Steven Colbert - Not funny but thinks he is.
Margaret Cho - Funny if you're a lesbian.
Darryl Hammond - Funny if you like impersonations.
Dane Cook - Funny if you're a girl between 18 and 35 or your name is Brian Berkowicz.
Aaron Karo - Funny if you were in a fraternity.
Bill Cosby - Only funny while being impersonated by someone else.
George Lopez - See Carlos Mencia.
Anybody with the last name Wayans - See Jim Carrey.
Ray Ramano - Funny while acting but not while performing stand up.
Larry David - Great writer, horrible performer.
Lisa Lampanelli - Funny if you like insult comedy.
Jackie Martin - Funny if you like dirty jokes.
Jeffrey Ross - Funny when roasting someone.
Jay Mohr - Isn't funny but thinks he is.
Jason Alexander - Only funny as George Costanza.
Bob Saget - Surprisingly funny especially if you like dirty jokes.
Monique - See Chappelle.
John Pinnette - Funny if you like to eat.
Gilbert Goffried - Funny if you're not distracted by his stage fright.
Nick Cannon - Funny if you're still in high school.
Flip Schultz - Funny if you're Jewish.
Dave Attel - Funny if you're presently wasted.
Jim Norton - Funny if you don't have a conscience.
Craig Shames - Funniest man alive!
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Website of the Month
Since I can't even get laid in a whorehouse we all know that I need help with the ladies. As such, I've been to every dating service known to man from jdate to match.com. None of them have helped so I'm searching for new and creative ways to meet people since hanging out across from the schoolyard isn't working either.
One of the new sites that I've been turned onto is www.matchactivity.com a new site geared towards setting up people on dates based around specific activities. The way that it works is that instead of just posting a profile about yourself and waiting for replies you take a more proactive approach and set up a specific activity that people can reply to if they share a similar interest. That way you're guaranteed to at least meet someone that likes the same things as you.
Sounds like it could be worth a shot to me. Too bad my chances of finding someone to watch lost and conduct a fantasy football draft are probably slim to none.
One of the new sites that I've been turned onto is www.matchactivity.com a new site geared towards setting up people on dates based around specific activities. The way that it works is that instead of just posting a profile about yourself and waiting for replies you take a more proactive approach and set up a specific activity that people can reply to if they share a similar interest. That way you're guaranteed to at least meet someone that likes the same things as you.
Sounds like it could be worth a shot to me. Too bad my chances of finding someone to watch lost and conduct a fantasy football draft are probably slim to none.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Mambo Italiano
In honor of Italy's World Cup win on Sunday here's a tribute to their great country.
Greatest Italian Athletes
1. The members of the 2006 World Cup winning squad
2. The members of the 2006 World Baseball Classic squad (just kidding)
3. The butcher's nephews in Kicking and Screaming.
4. Rocky
5. Tommy Lasorda
Things I Like About Italy
1. The food most of which I don't eat
2. Ancient Ruins
3. Alyssa Milano
4. The Sopranos
5. Little Italy and the North End in Boston
6. The country is made for walking. Get it. It's shaped like a boot. Get it. Haha.
Greatest Italian Based Movies (none of which I've seen)
1. Godfather trilogy
2. Goodfellas
3. All 6 Rocky movies
Greatest Italian Athletes
1. The members of the 2006 World Cup winning squad
2. The members of the 2006 World Baseball Classic squad (just kidding)
3. The butcher's nephews in Kicking and Screaming.
4. Rocky
5. Tommy Lasorda
Things I Like About Italy
1. The food most of which I don't eat
2. Ancient Ruins
3. Alyssa Milano
4. The Sopranos
5. Little Italy and the North End in Boston
6. The country is made for walking. Get it. It's shaped like a boot. Get it. Haha.
Greatest Italian Based Movies (none of which I've seen)
1. Godfather trilogy
2. Goodfellas
3. All 6 Rocky movies
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Girlfriend of the Week: Keira Knightley
Surprisingly this is the first time that I've chosen the pride of England as my gf of the week. I don't know what I was waiting for since Knightley is the hottest young actress on the planet both in terms of looks and talent.
The breakout star of Pirates of the Caribbean is back in a sequel that makes Titanic look like a five minute short film. It's not nearly as good as the first primarily since Keira isn't wearing a corset as much. It's still a must see though if you were a fan of the first one and considering that I saw it 76 times I think it's safe to say that I was. In fact, I think it's safe to say that I'm a fan of anything that Keira is in. Especially if it's my bed we're talking about.
The breakout star of Pirates of the Caribbean is back in a sequel that makes Titanic look like a five minute short film. It's not nearly as good as the first primarily since Keira isn't wearing a corset as much. It's still a must see though if you were a fan of the first one and considering that I saw it 76 times I think it's safe to say that I was. In fact, I think it's safe to say that I'm a fan of anything that Keira is in. Especially if it's my bed we're talking about.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
Is there anything more frantic that those five minutes that you have to clean out your car with the gas station vacuum? I work harder in those five minutes than I do all week.
Don't you hate it when you think of something witty to say after the moment has already passed? It'll be like two weeks later and the comeback will finally come to you and you'll be like, 'dammit, why couldn't I have thought about that then!'
That happens to me all the time. The other day I was at the post office mailing a package and they asked me if I wanted to take out insurance. I said no thanks but what I should have said was, "well that depends. Do you plan on losing it?" On second thought maybe it's better to say nothing.
How dumb is everyone who worked at the Daily Planet? Are you trying to tell me that no one could tell that Clark Kent was Superman? They look exactly the same! The only difference was a pair of black glasses! That has got to be the worst disguise of all time. Furthermore, how come nobody was able to tell that he was wearing a blue cape under his outfit? I'm pretty sure that if he ever wore a light colored shirt to work that people would be able to tell that he was wearing something else underneath. And wouldn't he sweat a lot wearing all those layers everyday? Plus, does he have to do laundry everyday or does he have a whole closet full of capes?
One of the talk show hosts on ESPN radio had the line of the week when he said that David Ortiz has no shot at winning the all star game homerun derby unless they put runners on base and tell him that the game is on the line.
There's an ideas festival this week in Aspen, Colorado in which leading thinkers from around the world get together for a series of seminars and lectures to discuss world problems. I must be really immature because this is a really important event and I couldn't look at the website www.aspeninstitute.org without focusing on the fact that it includes the word penis.
Is there anything more frantic that those five minutes that you have to clean out your car with the gas station vacuum? I work harder in those five minutes than I do all week.
Don't you hate it when you think of something witty to say after the moment has already passed? It'll be like two weeks later and the comeback will finally come to you and you'll be like, 'dammit, why couldn't I have thought about that then!'
That happens to me all the time. The other day I was at the post office mailing a package and they asked me if I wanted to take out insurance. I said no thanks but what I should have said was, "well that depends. Do you plan on losing it?" On second thought maybe it's better to say nothing.
How dumb is everyone who worked at the Daily Planet? Are you trying to tell me that no one could tell that Clark Kent was Superman? They look exactly the same! The only difference was a pair of black glasses! That has got to be the worst disguise of all time. Furthermore, how come nobody was able to tell that he was wearing a blue cape under his outfit? I'm pretty sure that if he ever wore a light colored shirt to work that people would be able to tell that he was wearing something else underneath. And wouldn't he sweat a lot wearing all those layers everyday? Plus, does he have to do laundry everyday or does he have a whole closet full of capes?
One of the talk show hosts on ESPN radio had the line of the week when he said that David Ortiz has no shot at winning the all star game homerun derby unless they put runners on base and tell him that the game is on the line.
There's an ideas festival this week in Aspen, Colorado in which leading thinkers from around the world get together for a series of seminars and lectures to discuss world problems. I must be really immature because this is a really important event and I couldn't look at the website www.aspeninstitute.org without focusing on the fact that it includes the word penis.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Weekly Twilight Zone Update
The craziness continues with the following examples including some that are just downright freaky:
1. After seeing Superman Returns on Sunday I retrieved a 12 pack of diet pepsi from my aunt's car to give to my dad. The package of course had a promo for Superman Returns on it. It's not the fact that the package had a Superman ad on it since a lot of things probably have similar ads on it. It's the fact that the very first commercial item that I saw upon leaving the theatre was for Superman.
2. The following item could probably just be chalked up to coincidence although it's a rather large one. On the way to the movie theatre I saw a suped up car that was basically a convertible converted into a hummer. It was a low riser with huge wheels. I've never seen anything like it before. And it was an ugly yellowish color so it really stood out. Anyway I saw that car before and after the movie which is odd since it was a gap of about four hours. What are the odds of that? Perhaps there have been other items that have been repeating in my everyday life and I just haven't noticed all of them.
3. I talked with my friend Mara about various movies on Tuesday including the great Tom Hanks movie, Castaway. The very next night at a comedy show one of the comedians did an impersonation of Tom Hanks in Castaway. After the show I was watching tv before going to bed and stopped on the Wizard of Oz. The very next day I found out that Mara had been in a performance of the Wizard of Oz in middle school.
But those examples aren't even that freaky compared to this next one. And that is because Mara's apartment number is 524 which of course is my birthday. It's almost as if we were supposed to meet. Weird, huh? Furthermore we both eat a salad exactly the same way: iceburg lettuce, carrots, cuccumbers, and no dressing. Now that's freaky!
There were of course other smaller examples throughout the week such as me listening to a Lost podcast at work on Friday that mentioned references between the show and Stephen King books which I of course then found one of in the lunchroom. I also had an arguement with Brian about Texas Ranger utilityman Mark DeRosa earlier in the week and later that night he hit a homerun. Like I said the craziness continues each and every day.
1. After seeing Superman Returns on Sunday I retrieved a 12 pack of diet pepsi from my aunt's car to give to my dad. The package of course had a promo for Superman Returns on it. It's not the fact that the package had a Superman ad on it since a lot of things probably have similar ads on it. It's the fact that the very first commercial item that I saw upon leaving the theatre was for Superman.
2. The following item could probably just be chalked up to coincidence although it's a rather large one. On the way to the movie theatre I saw a suped up car that was basically a convertible converted into a hummer. It was a low riser with huge wheels. I've never seen anything like it before. And it was an ugly yellowish color so it really stood out. Anyway I saw that car before and after the movie which is odd since it was a gap of about four hours. What are the odds of that? Perhaps there have been other items that have been repeating in my everyday life and I just haven't noticed all of them.
3. I talked with my friend Mara about various movies on Tuesday including the great Tom Hanks movie, Castaway. The very next night at a comedy show one of the comedians did an impersonation of Tom Hanks in Castaway. After the show I was watching tv before going to bed and stopped on the Wizard of Oz. The very next day I found out that Mara had been in a performance of the Wizard of Oz in middle school.
But those examples aren't even that freaky compared to this next one. And that is because Mara's apartment number is 524 which of course is my birthday. It's almost as if we were supposed to meet. Weird, huh? Furthermore we both eat a salad exactly the same way: iceburg lettuce, carrots, cuccumbers, and no dressing. Now that's freaky!
There were of course other smaller examples throughout the week such as me listening to a Lost podcast at work on Friday that mentioned references between the show and Stephen King books which I of course then found one of in the lunchroom. I also had an arguement with Brian about Texas Ranger utilityman Mark DeRosa earlier in the week and later that night he hit a homerun. Like I said the craziness continues each and every day.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
David Eckstein Is On 'Roids and Other Absurd Sports Assertions
Okay, maybe I lied about that one but I think I may be on to something with the following assertions:
1. All public and private golf courses should be closed - Golf is such a pointless sport that it doesn't make practical sense to dedicate so much valuable land to it. All you do in the sport is hit a little white ball, try and find it, and then if you're lucky enough to do so, hit it again. It's pointless really and I can't understand why you need so much space to play this game.
George Carlin does a bit about this and I think he's 100% right. He mentioned something along the lines of all the golf courses in the U.S. taking up the equivalent space of three states. Three states! That is valuable land that could be used to provide housing for the homeless or recreation areas for the public. If it were up to me I would close the majority of courses although not all of them because people still need a place to go to play.
2. The UFC is fixed - Clearly it's not fake because the people are actually fighting but it could be fixed in that they push certain guys and set up the matches that they want to get the best ratings. So by association I guess that means that boxing is fixed as well. And you thought that it was only pro wrestling!
3. The World Series of Poker should be an Olympic Sport! - As should the X games, World Cup, and anything else that people actually care about. Maybe if they did that they would actually get good ratings.
4. The Mets will blow their 11.5 game lead - This one is for you, Rob. 11 games is currently the greatest collapse in MLB history so the Mets will set a new record for futility if they can't hold on. And the planets are aligned for it to happen that way. Victor Zambrano is out for the year, Pedro Martinez is headed to the dl, they have no pitcing depth, and their bullpen is going to get burned out at the rate they are being used. Combine all that with nagging injuries to Cliff Floyd and Carlos Delgado, the fact that they are the Mets, and have a young Phillies team on their heels that could get hot at any moment and I think the Mets will be lucky to hold on and make the playoffs. And if they do make it that far I'm calling that they get bounced in the first round.
5. And just for the record Italy will win the World Cup in a shootout after regulation ends in a scoreless tie, Ryan Howard will win the homerun derby, and the National League will win the all star game to prove just how bad of a format it is.
1. All public and private golf courses should be closed - Golf is such a pointless sport that it doesn't make practical sense to dedicate so much valuable land to it. All you do in the sport is hit a little white ball, try and find it, and then if you're lucky enough to do so, hit it again. It's pointless really and I can't understand why you need so much space to play this game.
George Carlin does a bit about this and I think he's 100% right. He mentioned something along the lines of all the golf courses in the U.S. taking up the equivalent space of three states. Three states! That is valuable land that could be used to provide housing for the homeless or recreation areas for the public. If it were up to me I would close the majority of courses although not all of them because people still need a place to go to play.
2. The UFC is fixed - Clearly it's not fake because the people are actually fighting but it could be fixed in that they push certain guys and set up the matches that they want to get the best ratings. So by association I guess that means that boxing is fixed as well. And you thought that it was only pro wrestling!
3. The World Series of Poker should be an Olympic Sport! - As should the X games, World Cup, and anything else that people actually care about. Maybe if they did that they would actually get good ratings.
4. The Mets will blow their 11.5 game lead - This one is for you, Rob. 11 games is currently the greatest collapse in MLB history so the Mets will set a new record for futility if they can't hold on. And the planets are aligned for it to happen that way. Victor Zambrano is out for the year, Pedro Martinez is headed to the dl, they have no pitcing depth, and their bullpen is going to get burned out at the rate they are being used. Combine all that with nagging injuries to Cliff Floyd and Carlos Delgado, the fact that they are the Mets, and have a young Phillies team on their heels that could get hot at any moment and I think the Mets will be lucky to hold on and make the playoffs. And if they do make it that far I'm calling that they get bounced in the first round.
5. And just for the record Italy will win the World Cup in a shootout after regulation ends in a scoreless tie, Ryan Howard will win the homerun derby, and the National League will win the all star game to prove just how bad of a format it is.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Craig's Lists: You Might Be A Jerk If
No apartments for rent here. Just a hilarious list. This week I'll be taking a look at things you may do if you shop at the jerk store.
You Might Be A Jerk If:
You belong to a country club.
You play golf or tennis.
You have a fancy job title.
You have a custom license plate.
You've knocked over a snowman.
Your favorite show is South Park.
You engage in road rage.
You yell at the tv during sporting events.
You've stolen someone else's parking spot.
You manage a softball team.
You think it would be funny to knock over a little kid's ice cream cone.
You know that the seat next to you has water on it and you see someone about to sit there but you don't say anything.
You've thrown someone into a pool.
You've corrected someone else's grammar mid sentence.
You write letters to the editor.
You write letters to companies to complain about every little thing.
You've talked on the phone while going to the bathroom.
You make your waiter repeatedly take back your food until it's just right and then leave a small tip.
You operate on your own standard of time.
Hugh Laurie on House is your favorite tv character.
Your favorite kind of humor is insult comedy.
You've taken a parking ticket of someone's car and put it on someone elses.
You like to pull pranks on people.
You make fun of everyone even your own friends.
You were the pledge master of your fraternity.
The Jerk with Steve Martin is your favorite movie.
You borrow things from friends like movies or video games with no intention of ever returning them.
You don't contribute money when someone invites you out.
You show up at a party and don't bring anything.
You play games with the opposite sex.
You Might Be A Jerk If:
You belong to a country club.
You play golf or tennis.
You have a fancy job title.
You have a custom license plate.
You've knocked over a snowman.
Your favorite show is South Park.
You engage in road rage.
You yell at the tv during sporting events.
You've stolen someone else's parking spot.
You manage a softball team.
You think it would be funny to knock over a little kid's ice cream cone.
You know that the seat next to you has water on it and you see someone about to sit there but you don't say anything.
You've thrown someone into a pool.
You've corrected someone else's grammar mid sentence.
You write letters to the editor.
You write letters to companies to complain about every little thing.
You've talked on the phone while going to the bathroom.
You make your waiter repeatedly take back your food until it's just right and then leave a small tip.
You operate on your own standard of time.
Hugh Laurie on House is your favorite tv character.
Your favorite kind of humor is insult comedy.
You've taken a parking ticket of someone's car and put it on someone elses.
You like to pull pranks on people.
You make fun of everyone even your own friends.
You were the pledge master of your fraternity.
The Jerk with Steve Martin is your favorite movie.
You borrow things from friends like movies or video games with no intention of ever returning them.
You don't contribute money when someone invites you out.
You show up at a party and don't bring anything.
You play games with the opposite sex.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Independence Day
I bet you thought that this post was going to be about celebrating our nation's independence. However, since 70% of the country doesn't even know the words to the national anthem I'm willing to bet that nobody wants to read an article about that. If you really know me well you might have been expecting to find a tribute to Will Smith and the greatest movie of all time. But since it's been ten years since Bill Pullman had a leading role in a movie I think it's time to move on.
That leaves celebrating my own personal independence as the subject of today's blog. It's been exactly three months since I've been living down in Florida and in honor of my new found independence from the mother land I plan on going out hard tonight. And by that I mean having a wine cooler or two in my backyard before setting off a sparkler and calling it a night.
It's funny how differently you look at things once you're living on your own. I used to refer to a homecook meal as chicken cutlets and pasta or steak and french fries. Something wholesome and delicious that filled me up. Nowadays though a homecooked meal consists of heating up leftovers in the microwave. Previously, straigtening up meant making my bed and putting away my laundry. Now it means scrubbing the toilet and doing my laundry amongst a hundred other things.
In closing, let me just tell all of you aspiring patriots out there reading this from the comfort of your parent's basement. Stay put! Stay there for as long as you can. Stay there until they ask you to quarter troops. Stay there until you are taxed without representation. Because if you get out before then, before you know how to cook a seven course meal, then the next thing you'll be celebrating won't be independence day but redependence day.
That leaves celebrating my own personal independence as the subject of today's blog. It's been exactly three months since I've been living down in Florida and in honor of my new found independence from the mother land I plan on going out hard tonight. And by that I mean having a wine cooler or two in my backyard before setting off a sparkler and calling it a night.
It's funny how differently you look at things once you're living on your own. I used to refer to a homecook meal as chicken cutlets and pasta or steak and french fries. Something wholesome and delicious that filled me up. Nowadays though a homecooked meal consists of heating up leftovers in the microwave. Previously, straigtening up meant making my bed and putting away my laundry. Now it means scrubbing the toilet and doing my laundry amongst a hundred other things.
In closing, let me just tell all of you aspiring patriots out there reading this from the comfort of your parent's basement. Stay put! Stay there for as long as you can. Stay there until they ask you to quarter troops. Stay there until you are taxed without representation. Because if you get out before then, before you know how to cook a seven course meal, then the next thing you'll be celebrating won't be independence day but redependence day.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Dear Bud,
The following is an open letter that I one day hope to send to MLB commissioner Bud Selig regarding the all star game.
Commissioner Selig,
I know that you are a baseball purist at heart and care deeply about the history and integrity of the game. You also care deeply about your legacy which is why I'm certain that you will do everything in your power to rid the game of the tarnish put on it by steriods and other performance enhancing drugs.
Which is why I'm dumbfounded how you could let the MLB all star game, aka the Mid Summer Classic, fall to such a low level. For a man with the ability to think outside the box and bring us such revolutionary concepts as realignment, interleague play, the wild card, and the World Baseball Classic I'm shocked that the injustices surrounding the all star game have so far gone unnoticed.
Surely, such a wise man as yourself would admit that having one representative per team is an antiquated idea. It may have been motivation for fans to watch when you were a kid growing up and the only game you could watch on tv was your local team. But nowadays when there are 10 national games on tv per week and everyone 'owns' at least 5 fantasy baseball teams the motivation for watching an all star game no longer revolves around team pride. In an information age the fans want to see the best players, the players that they know deserve to be there, and not some has been and never will be that they can see 162 other times a year. Trust me, no one in Kansas City is going to watch Trading Spaces instead of the All Star Game if Mark Redman is not on the roster. In fact, places like KC relish the all star game because it's their one chance a year to see how baseball is supposed to be played. So when the game that matters is on the line and you have Redman pitching to Freddy Sanchez when you could have had Francisco Liriano pitching to Nomar Garciaparra just know that you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
Player representation aside it's a real shame that you've let the powers that be at Fox influence you so much that an exhibition game now decides home field advantage in the World Series. Such sophomoric marketing tricks have now rendered your entire regular season completely useless. There's absolutely no motivation now to try and get the best record in baseball. As evidenced by the fact that from 2001 to 2005 every team that won the World Series was a wild card winner. It's clear that the only thing that matters is getting into the postseason. Once there anything can happen.
Now I can't just sit here and complain about how bad of a job you're doing when it comes to the all star game and not do anything about it. It's not in my nature. As such, here a few suggestions I have for enhancing the game and selection process.
First off, how about implementing automatic bids. Any hitter who is leading the league in a major offensive category, i.e. batting average, homeruns, rbis, and runs or any pitcher who is leading in a major pitching category, i.e. earned run average, wins, saves, and strikeouts would get an automatic bid to the team. This way you wouldn't have a scenario like you do this year in which NL batting average leader Nomar Garciaparra, AL homerun leader Jason Giambi, and AL Cy Young candidates Liriano and Curt Schilling aren't included on the team.
Secondly, I would get rid of the rule that the only players selected to the all star team are eligible to be in the home run derby. That way you can have good players who get snubbed for the team but who should really be there like Giambi, Adam Dunn, and Travis Hafner competing in the derby.
You could also have dh rules in effect regardless of whether the host city is an american league or national league team, create other skills competitions other than the homerun derby to get away from it's associations with steriods, and of course as previously stated get rid of the one representative per team rule.
If you do that then I believe that your legacy will be cemented as baseball's greatest commissioner. But if you continue to push the all star game aside then it will stain your legacy worse than steriods, Pete Rose, and the Montreal Expos combined. I hope that you will learn from your own mistakes the way that you have thus far learned from the mistakes of your predecessors.
Sincerely,
Craig Shames
Concerned Baseball Fan
Commissioner Selig,
I know that you are a baseball purist at heart and care deeply about the history and integrity of the game. You also care deeply about your legacy which is why I'm certain that you will do everything in your power to rid the game of the tarnish put on it by steriods and other performance enhancing drugs.
Which is why I'm dumbfounded how you could let the MLB all star game, aka the Mid Summer Classic, fall to such a low level. For a man with the ability to think outside the box and bring us such revolutionary concepts as realignment, interleague play, the wild card, and the World Baseball Classic I'm shocked that the injustices surrounding the all star game have so far gone unnoticed.
Surely, such a wise man as yourself would admit that having one representative per team is an antiquated idea. It may have been motivation for fans to watch when you were a kid growing up and the only game you could watch on tv was your local team. But nowadays when there are 10 national games on tv per week and everyone 'owns' at least 5 fantasy baseball teams the motivation for watching an all star game no longer revolves around team pride. In an information age the fans want to see the best players, the players that they know deserve to be there, and not some has been and never will be that they can see 162 other times a year. Trust me, no one in Kansas City is going to watch Trading Spaces instead of the All Star Game if Mark Redman is not on the roster. In fact, places like KC relish the all star game because it's their one chance a year to see how baseball is supposed to be played. So when the game that matters is on the line and you have Redman pitching to Freddy Sanchez when you could have had Francisco Liriano pitching to Nomar Garciaparra just know that you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
Player representation aside it's a real shame that you've let the powers that be at Fox influence you so much that an exhibition game now decides home field advantage in the World Series. Such sophomoric marketing tricks have now rendered your entire regular season completely useless. There's absolutely no motivation now to try and get the best record in baseball. As evidenced by the fact that from 2001 to 2005 every team that won the World Series was a wild card winner. It's clear that the only thing that matters is getting into the postseason. Once there anything can happen.
Now I can't just sit here and complain about how bad of a job you're doing when it comes to the all star game and not do anything about it. It's not in my nature. As such, here a few suggestions I have for enhancing the game and selection process.
First off, how about implementing automatic bids. Any hitter who is leading the league in a major offensive category, i.e. batting average, homeruns, rbis, and runs or any pitcher who is leading in a major pitching category, i.e. earned run average, wins, saves, and strikeouts would get an automatic bid to the team. This way you wouldn't have a scenario like you do this year in which NL batting average leader Nomar Garciaparra, AL homerun leader Jason Giambi, and AL Cy Young candidates Liriano and Curt Schilling aren't included on the team.
Secondly, I would get rid of the rule that the only players selected to the all star team are eligible to be in the home run derby. That way you can have good players who get snubbed for the team but who should really be there like Giambi, Adam Dunn, and Travis Hafner competing in the derby.
You could also have dh rules in effect regardless of whether the host city is an american league or national league team, create other skills competitions other than the homerun derby to get away from it's associations with steriods, and of course as previously stated get rid of the one representative per team rule.
If you do that then I believe that your legacy will be cemented as baseball's greatest commissioner. But if you continue to push the all star game aside then it will stain your legacy worse than steriods, Pete Rose, and the Montreal Expos combined. I hope that you will learn from your own mistakes the way that you have thus far learned from the mistakes of your predecessors.
Sincerely,
Craig Shames
Concerned Baseball Fan
Dear Bud Addendum
Players who should and shouldn't have made the all star team this year in my opinion:
American League
Should have made it:
Francisco Rodriguez, Angels, Rp
Chone Figgins, Angels, Utility
Travis Hafner, Indians, Dh
Curt Schilling, Red Sox, Sp
Josh Beckett, Red Sox, Sp
Justin Verlander, Tigers, Sp
Francisco Liriano, Twins, Sp
Johnny Damon, Yankees, Of
Carl Crawford, Devil Rays, Of
Shouldn't have made it:
Troy Glaus, BlueJays, 3b
Mark Redman, Royals, Sp
Mark Buehrle, White Sox, Sp
Gary Matthews Jr., Rangers, Of
Kenny Rogers, Tigers, Sp
Mark Loretta, 2b Red Sox
Clearly you can take Verlander over Rogers, Liriano over Redman, and Schilling or Beckett over Buehrle. I would then take Figgins over Glaus, Crawford over Matthews, and Hafner over Loretta using back shortstop Michael Young and Figgins at 2b.
National League
Should have made it:
Nomar Garciaparra, Dodgers, 1b
Aramis Ramirez, Cubs, 3b
Dontrelle Willis, Marlins, Sp
Roy Oswalt, Astros, Sp
Billy Wagner, Mets, Rp
Mike Gonzalez, Pirates, Rp
Adam Dunn, Reds, 1b
Johnny Estrada, Diamondbacks, Catcher
Shouldn't have made it:
Brian Fuentes, Rockies, Rp
Freddy Sanchez, Pirates, Utility
Paul Lo Duca, Mets, Catcher
Tom Gordon, Phillies, Rp
I would have definitely taken Wagner and Gonzalez over Fuentes and Gordon no question about it. Estrada is more deserving than Lo Duca he just playes in a smaller market. And Nomar's versatility makes taking Sanchez null and void.
American League
Should have made it:
Francisco Rodriguez, Angels, Rp
Chone Figgins, Angels, Utility
Travis Hafner, Indians, Dh
Curt Schilling, Red Sox, Sp
Josh Beckett, Red Sox, Sp
Justin Verlander, Tigers, Sp
Francisco Liriano, Twins, Sp
Johnny Damon, Yankees, Of
Carl Crawford, Devil Rays, Of
Shouldn't have made it:
Troy Glaus, BlueJays, 3b
Mark Redman, Royals, Sp
Mark Buehrle, White Sox, Sp
Gary Matthews Jr., Rangers, Of
Kenny Rogers, Tigers, Sp
Mark Loretta, 2b Red Sox
Clearly you can take Verlander over Rogers, Liriano over Redman, and Schilling or Beckett over Buehrle. I would then take Figgins over Glaus, Crawford over Matthews, and Hafner over Loretta using back shortstop Michael Young and Figgins at 2b.
National League
Should have made it:
Nomar Garciaparra, Dodgers, 1b
Aramis Ramirez, Cubs, 3b
Dontrelle Willis, Marlins, Sp
Roy Oswalt, Astros, Sp
Billy Wagner, Mets, Rp
Mike Gonzalez, Pirates, Rp
Adam Dunn, Reds, 1b
Johnny Estrada, Diamondbacks, Catcher
Shouldn't have made it:
Brian Fuentes, Rockies, Rp
Freddy Sanchez, Pirates, Utility
Paul Lo Duca, Mets, Catcher
Tom Gordon, Phillies, Rp
I would have definitely taken Wagner and Gonzalez over Fuentes and Gordon no question about it. Estrada is more deserving than Lo Duca he just playes in a smaller market. And Nomar's versatility makes taking Sanchez null and void.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Girlfriend of the Week: Kate Bosworth
In honor of the return of everyone's favorite superhero this weekend, I have selected everyone's favorite surfer as my girlfriend of the week, that of course being the beautiful Kate Bosworth.
Bosworth, no relation to former football headcase Brian Bosworth, plays Lois Lane, no relation to thespian Nathan, in the new Superman flick. Her inclusion alone makes it a must see since her presence actually made Win a Date with Tad Hamilton watchable.
Bosworth, no relation to former football headcase Brian Bosworth, plays Lois Lane, no relation to thespian Nathan, in the new Superman flick. Her inclusion alone makes it a must see since her presence actually made Win a Date with Tad Hamilton watchable.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
I wonder what would happen if you wanted an alternative to alternative music? Would that new kind of music that you are listening to suddenly get referred to as alternative? And if so what would you then call what you used to regard as alternative? Now these are questions that require our immediate attention.
Something else that requires our immediate attention are the discrepancies within the English Language. Apparently you are allowed to coin terms that don't make any sense. For example, how is something whose value is extremely high referred to as being priceless? Shouldn't something that's free be priceless? And what about all the confusion with fiction and non-fiction. You would think that books based on true events would be fiction and those that are made up would be non-fiction but instead it's the other way around. Furthermore, why do they call it a toothbrush if you use it to brush more than one tooth? And why do they call it a haircut if you get more than one hair cut?
People who hum while urinating are weird.
Mother nature is definitely a Democrat. How else can you explain how in Florida it can be raining on one side of the street but not the other? Only John Kerry has a harder time making up his mind.
Have you ever noticed that every time someone calls someone else a prick they always say that they are being a pretenious prick? I wonder why that is? Perhaps there are other types of pricks and they just wanted to clarify their insult. Or maybe they were just going for an insult that was both hurtful and contained aliteration.
I think that the lint that gets thrown out before doing laundry is a complete waste. What if we could make something out of that material instead of just throwing it out?
I wonder what would happen if you wanted an alternative to alternative music? Would that new kind of music that you are listening to suddenly get referred to as alternative? And if so what would you then call what you used to regard as alternative? Now these are questions that require our immediate attention.
Something else that requires our immediate attention are the discrepancies within the English Language. Apparently you are allowed to coin terms that don't make any sense. For example, how is something whose value is extremely high referred to as being priceless? Shouldn't something that's free be priceless? And what about all the confusion with fiction and non-fiction. You would think that books based on true events would be fiction and those that are made up would be non-fiction but instead it's the other way around. Furthermore, why do they call it a toothbrush if you use it to brush more than one tooth? And why do they call it a haircut if you get more than one hair cut?
People who hum while urinating are weird.
Mother nature is definitely a Democrat. How else can you explain how in Florida it can be raining on one side of the street but not the other? Only John Kerry has a harder time making up his mind.
Have you ever noticed that every time someone calls someone else a prick they always say that they are being a pretenious prick? I wonder why that is? Perhaps there are other types of pricks and they just wanted to clarify their insult. Or maybe they were just going for an insult that was both hurtful and contained aliteration.
I think that the lint that gets thrown out before doing laundry is a complete waste. What if we could make something out of that material instead of just throwing it out?
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