Random thoughts from the last week:
Last week while trying to go to the movies I drove through the Roosevelt Field parking lot by weaving in and out of parked cars rather than just driving down the pathways between rows of cars. My rationale was that I was in the mood for football with training camps opening up and wanted to pretend I was a running back dodging would be tacklers. To which Brian suggested that I follow a Hummer as my lead blocker.
It was so hot at the beach on Tuesday that my ice cream lasted about as long as Russell in bed.
The worse part about having a hairy back besides the constant ridicule is that you always get sun burned there since no one ever wants to put lotion on you.
Corny joke of the week: What do you call a dog that's at the beach? A hot dog!
Rumor has it that there was a fire in the Oceanside dump last week, just days after Z100's Greg T made fun of the dump in his trip to O'Side last week. Coincidence? I think not!
The worst part about Mark's heart attack is that he's going to have eat less meat and more fish. And when I say 'the worst part' I mean for me.
I wonder what those two pitching prospects that the Yankees traded to the Rockies for Shawn Chacon did to deserve getting sent to pitching purgatory in Colorado?
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Saturday, July 30, 2005
The Best of Brian
In honor of the continuing celebration of Brian coming up from Florida this weekend to visit I have assembled a list of my favorite Brian moments.
1. Along with Russell hid in the backseat of my car and jumped out at me as I was going to drive Katie home. I was so scared that I screamed like a little girl, threw my keys up in the air, and ran away. I still haven't recovered the 4 years I lost off my life.
2. During a tag team hardcore match in his basement we rehid weapons that Brian M. and Russell originally hid so that when they went to look for them they wouldn't be there. Our sneakery paid off when Russell was held down by Brian and desperately looking for a paddle that he soon realized was hitting him in the ass after I handed it to Brian.
3. While in Atlanta bragged about how he was Captain Atlanta but before the words were out of his mouth he went up on the curb while making a right turn completely negating his assertion.
4. While playing street basketball and football against Jordan Barrow and Jason Vacker created such ballyhoed plays as the fullback play in which I follow his moving pick to get an easy layup and then the gate play in which the quarterback pump fakes once the receiver reaches the neighbor's gate and then throws a long pass.
5. While bored one day in his basement we decided to hold a baseball draft in which we made stacked teams out of the best players in all of baseball. Led to the creation of the inter sport fantasy league and my assertion that I am a fantasy god.
6. After not having a girlfriend throughout high school moves to Florida and morphs into a porn star or so he claims. He also once claimed that he hit a softball 500 feet in gym class so his word carries about as much weight as Mary Kate Olsen does.
7. Once wrote a fan letter to Greg Maddux where he said that Maddux' era was so low that you needed a microscope to see it. Maddux never wrote back, creating an akward moment when Brian would meet Maddux years later through his cousin, former Braves pitcher Jason Marquis.
8. During his stand up comedy debut does a bit where he takes viagra before going to his girlfriends' house leading to his ability to drive with his erection. Routine kills and launches his career.
1. Along with Russell hid in the backseat of my car and jumped out at me as I was going to drive Katie home. I was so scared that I screamed like a little girl, threw my keys up in the air, and ran away. I still haven't recovered the 4 years I lost off my life.
2. During a tag team hardcore match in his basement we rehid weapons that Brian M. and Russell originally hid so that when they went to look for them they wouldn't be there. Our sneakery paid off when Russell was held down by Brian and desperately looking for a paddle that he soon realized was hitting him in the ass after I handed it to Brian.
3. While in Atlanta bragged about how he was Captain Atlanta but before the words were out of his mouth he went up on the curb while making a right turn completely negating his assertion.
4. While playing street basketball and football against Jordan Barrow and Jason Vacker created such ballyhoed plays as the fullback play in which I follow his moving pick to get an easy layup and then the gate play in which the quarterback pump fakes once the receiver reaches the neighbor's gate and then throws a long pass.
5. While bored one day in his basement we decided to hold a baseball draft in which we made stacked teams out of the best players in all of baseball. Led to the creation of the inter sport fantasy league and my assertion that I am a fantasy god.
6. After not having a girlfriend throughout high school moves to Florida and morphs into a porn star or so he claims. He also once claimed that he hit a softball 500 feet in gym class so his word carries about as much weight as Mary Kate Olsen does.
7. Once wrote a fan letter to Greg Maddux where he said that Maddux' era was so low that you needed a microscope to see it. Maddux never wrote back, creating an akward moment when Brian would meet Maddux years later through his cousin, former Braves pitcher Jason Marquis.
8. During his stand up comedy debut does a bit where he takes viagra before going to his girlfriends' house leading to his ability to drive with his erection. Routine kills and launches his career.
Friday, July 29, 2005
You Know Your Brian Berkowicz If.....
Adopted from the 'You Know Your Craig Shames If" post on Brian Malfettone's page, www.malfsmouth.blogspot.com, here's 'You Know Your Brian Berkowicz If" in honor of Brian's visit this weekend. Enjoy:
You get invited to a Caveman and Cavegirl party but are told to come as yourself.
You carry around the Yellow Pages instead of a little black book.
You have to bring a translator with you into the bed room.
You think ordering a double bacon cheeseburger without ketchup constitutes a diet.
You are constantly beating up people for saying that your sister is hot.
You refer to yourself as JJ even though nobody knows why.
You shave and five hours later have to shave again.
You have been the three b's: a bartender, a bouncer, and a backup football player.
You haven't met a gym that you didn't like.
You do standup comedy once and think you deserve your own HBO comedy special.
You have a man crush on Flex Wheeler.
You impersonation of a gay man sounds a lot like Al Pacino in Scarface.
Your entire wardrobe consists of wife beaters and t-shirts that are two sizes too small.
You have bigger boobs than Calista Flockhart.
You are only interested in girls that have at least two kids or are at least 35 years old.
You mention Jason Marquis at least once every five minutes.
You get invited to a Caveman and Cavegirl party but are told to come as yourself.
You carry around the Yellow Pages instead of a little black book.
You have to bring a translator with you into the bed room.
You think ordering a double bacon cheeseburger without ketchup constitutes a diet.
You are constantly beating up people for saying that your sister is hot.
You refer to yourself as JJ even though nobody knows why.
You shave and five hours later have to shave again.
You have been the three b's: a bartender, a bouncer, and a backup football player.
You haven't met a gym that you didn't like.
You do standup comedy once and think you deserve your own HBO comedy special.
You have a man crush on Flex Wheeler.
You impersonation of a gay man sounds a lot like Al Pacino in Scarface.
Your entire wardrobe consists of wife beaters and t-shirts that are two sizes too small.
You have bigger boobs than Calista Flockhart.
You are only interested in girls that have at least two kids or are at least 35 years old.
You mention Jason Marquis at least once every five minutes.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Close Call
Yesterday we all got a scare as I had to take Mark to the hospital around 5:30 pm with heart attack like symptons.
I called 911 but I was put on hold with a message repeating: Your call with be answered in the order it was received. What good is that going to do? How about putting me through to someone so I can get help? Instead I threw Mark in the car and drove to the hospital like I was playing Crazy Taxi in the Fenway 13. We got there in record time and went to the ER right away.
The first thing he said to me after coming to after the surgery was, "I hope you don't always drive like that." To which I replied, "Nah, I usually say 'wheee' while making a turn."
It turns out that Mark had a 100% blockage in one of his arteries and 80% in another which will require another operation this weekend. He should make a full recovery which means it shouldn't be long before he's back home and arguing with me over every little thing.
I called 911 but I was put on hold with a message repeating: Your call with be answered in the order it was received. What good is that going to do? How about putting me through to someone so I can get help? Instead I threw Mark in the car and drove to the hospital like I was playing Crazy Taxi in the Fenway 13. We got there in record time and went to the ER right away.
The first thing he said to me after coming to after the surgery was, "I hope you don't always drive like that." To which I replied, "Nah, I usually say 'wheee' while making a turn."
It turns out that Mark had a 100% blockage in one of his arteries and 80% in another which will require another operation this weekend. He should make a full recovery which means it shouldn't be long before he's back home and arguing with me over every little thing.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
I'm a Heezeecase
In honor of Brian's visit from Florida this weekend I'll be spending the rest of the week blogging about our guest of honor. Up first is another web site that he found called www.gizoogle.com in which it translates your text into words that only Snoop Dog himself could understand. Comes in handy when trying to pretend that you're cool, which is something I find myself doing often.
Here's a description of my day today followed by that same message after being gizoogled.
Since it was like a hundred degress today I decided to go to the beach for a little rest and relaxation. Next time remind me to leave my cell phone at home as Billy ruined any chance of peace and harmony with a softball and Yankee laced tirade. I still had an enjoyable time though as I laid out and went for a run along the water. There were a lot of girls at the beach today, perhaps I'll go again tomorrow.
Now here's that same message after being modernized.
Since it was all like a hundred degress today i decided ta go ta tha beach fo` a shawty rest n relaxizzles. N-to-tha-izzext tizzy remind me ta leave mah cell phone at hizzy as B-I-Double-Lizzy ruined any chance of peace n harmony wit a softball n yankee laced tirade . Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn. i S-T-to-tha-izzill had an enjoyable time though as i laid out n wiznent fo` a run along tha wata cuz I put gangsta rap on tha map. there were a lot of hotties at tha beach today, perhaps ill go again tomorrow.
Here's a description of my day today followed by that same message after being gizoogled.
Since it was like a hundred degress today I decided to go to the beach for a little rest and relaxation. Next time remind me to leave my cell phone at home as Billy ruined any chance of peace and harmony with a softball and Yankee laced tirade. I still had an enjoyable time though as I laid out and went for a run along the water. There were a lot of girls at the beach today, perhaps I'll go again tomorrow.
Now here's that same message after being modernized.
Since it was all like a hundred degress today i decided ta go ta tha beach fo` a shawty rest n relaxizzles. N-to-tha-izzext tizzy remind me ta leave mah cell phone at hizzy as B-I-Double-Lizzy ruined any chance of peace n harmony wit a softball n yankee laced tirade . Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn. i S-T-to-tha-izzill had an enjoyable time though as i laid out n wiznent fo` a run along tha wata cuz I put gangsta rap on tha map. there were a lot of hotties at tha beach today, perhaps ill go again tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
More Bitter Than a Herb
Why am I mad at the world? Why do I hate people I haven't even met and hold grudges against people for things that happened so long ago that they don't even remember anymore why it is that I'm mad at them?
Why is Andrew Prusack my arch rival nemesis? Why can't I forgive Al Jordan for pushing me in the first grade? Why do I refuse to give Erik Jorgensen the time of day?
Perhaps the fact that I'm more sexually frustrated than a nun has something to do with it. Maybe I've developed a complex after suppressing all these feelings over the years. Who knows?
All I know is that I'm angrier than a dwarf after being called a midget. Angrier than a taxi cab driver after some drunken teenagers bail on the bill. Angrier than a pimp after he finds out one of his whores has been stealing from him. Angrier than Bobby Knight in a post game news conference. Angrier than, well, you get the point.
The most recent recepient of my cold shoulder and evil eye has been this know it all in my Western Civilization Class. It's one thing to be a know it all if you actually know it all. It's another to be a know it all if you're just talking out of your ass because you like the sound of your voice. This kid is the latter and to make it all worse he's also the class clown who always has a witty remark ready on the tip of his tongue.
I hate this unknown ass clown because everyone thinks he's so smart and so funny when he really is just a few years away from handing out paper towels in the men's room of a fancy restaurant. I see right through his act. It may work in the classroom at NCC but it doesn't work with me.
As such I was delighted to see that he got a 90 on the first test where as I got a 96 and then a 100 in American History. Take that kid I hate even though I don't know your name. Take that.
Why is Andrew Prusack my arch rival nemesis? Why can't I forgive Al Jordan for pushing me in the first grade? Why do I refuse to give Erik Jorgensen the time of day?
Perhaps the fact that I'm more sexually frustrated than a nun has something to do with it. Maybe I've developed a complex after suppressing all these feelings over the years. Who knows?
All I know is that I'm angrier than a dwarf after being called a midget. Angrier than a taxi cab driver after some drunken teenagers bail on the bill. Angrier than a pimp after he finds out one of his whores has been stealing from him. Angrier than Bobby Knight in a post game news conference. Angrier than, well, you get the point.
The most recent recepient of my cold shoulder and evil eye has been this know it all in my Western Civilization Class. It's one thing to be a know it all if you actually know it all. It's another to be a know it all if you're just talking out of your ass because you like the sound of your voice. This kid is the latter and to make it all worse he's also the class clown who always has a witty remark ready on the tip of his tongue.
I hate this unknown ass clown because everyone thinks he's so smart and so funny when he really is just a few years away from handing out paper towels in the men's room of a fancy restaurant. I see right through his act. It may work in the classroom at NCC but it doesn't work with me.
As such I was delighted to see that he got a 90 on the first test where as I got a 96 and then a 100 in American History. Take that kid I hate even though I don't know your name. Take that.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Am I too fat?
I never thought I would ask this but am I too fat? After 23 years of grand mother types telling me that I'm too skinny, and of people making fun of me for having chicken legs has the time finally come when I need to go on a diet?
The answer sadly may be yes after I went to Kohl's on Sunday night and tried on some shorts. I took shorts with sizes 32, 33, 34 to the changing room and walked out a few minutes lately carrying nothing but the realization that times are a changing. I wound up getting a pair in a size 36!
I then went home and weighed myself coming in at a world record setting 172 pounds. In college I mostly weighed 150 which means that in the year since I graduated I've gained some 20 pounds!
The fact that I sleep until 2 pm everyday and go to the gym once a month are probably contributing factors. But I think that my diet is mostly to blame. Here's a look at what I eat every night for a bed time snack:
Sherbet or Ice Cream
Fruit
Cookies
Pretzels or Potato Chips
2 bowls of cereal
And that's just for a bed time snack. Combine all that with what I eat throughout the day and it's no wonder that I'm gaining weight faster than a pregnant woman. But looking on the bright side at least girls like me for my charming personality.
Yeah right. Now if you'll excuse me I gotta go to the gym.
The answer sadly may be yes after I went to Kohl's on Sunday night and tried on some shorts. I took shorts with sizes 32, 33, 34 to the changing room and walked out a few minutes lately carrying nothing but the realization that times are a changing. I wound up getting a pair in a size 36!
I then went home and weighed myself coming in at a world record setting 172 pounds. In college I mostly weighed 150 which means that in the year since I graduated I've gained some 20 pounds!
The fact that I sleep until 2 pm everyday and go to the gym once a month are probably contributing factors. But I think that my diet is mostly to blame. Here's a look at what I eat every night for a bed time snack:
Sherbet or Ice Cream
Fruit
Cookies
Pretzels or Potato Chips
2 bowls of cereal
And that's just for a bed time snack. Combine all that with what I eat throughout the day and it's no wonder that I'm gaining weight faster than a pregnant woman. But looking on the bright side at least girls like me for my charming personality.
Yeah right. Now if you'll excuse me I gotta go to the gym.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Week in Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
Do you think that the actors who play Harry, Hermione, and Ron in the Harry Potter movies are reading the new book with extra interest wondering what scenes they will have to do when the movie comes out?
Another Harry Potter comparison that I forgot to make is.... just kidding. I'll try and spare you all the Harry Potter talk from now on. At least until #7 comes out.
Sorry but I just can't resist. He's Harry and I'm hairy.
From the sad but true archives: Sunday night my cousin Lauren come over with her husband Philipe. During conversation I told Lauren that I was going to become a high school teacher to which she replied, "How are you going to pull that off? You still look like you could be one of the students!"
On Tuesday, Phil from Baldwin called into the local sports talk show and sure enough it was Phil Malfettone, Brian's dad. He was talking about how the Yankees should trade Bernie Williams to the Dodgers for starting pitcher Derrek Lowe. First off, that's about as likely to happen as me finding a girlfriend before I turn 30. Secondly, now I know where Brian gets his crazy ideas from. Like father, like son.
Did you know that the finalists for President Bush's Supreme Court nomination were Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown, and Judge Mills Lane?
On Wednesday night my old boss from Adelphi called as part of a calling campaign to try and get me to complete my graduate application. She was just reading from a script and didn't even realize that it was me! Typical Adelphi.
I've been spending so much studying history lately that the other day when someone asked me for directions to the nearest pizzeria I went off on a twenty minute tangent about the Italian Revolution of 1848.
I don't know why I bother though. After four years of studying political science at Northeastern I still don't know what the difference is between liberals and conservatives. The only thing worse is that after 23 years I still don't know the difference between the Meadowbrook and Southern State parkways.
Rumor has it that Atlanta has a female to male ratio of 10:1. That just means that if I lived in Atlanta my chances of getting rejected would be 10x greater.
Having Melanie home for the weekend is like having your own personal IT technician in the house with the only differences being that she doesn't live in India and actually speaks English.
Why has everyone been hating on my chillaxing away message lately? It's just my default away message. It doesn't always mean that I'm chillaxing. I mean do you really think when you see the message "I am playing a computer game that takes up my whole screen" that the person is actually playing the game?
Saturday night I tried to go see Wedding Crashers but it was sold out in four theatres. Not a good way to follow up a night in which some girl asked me if I was into computers because I was wearing glasses. As I was sitting in Brian's backyard tent I thought to myself: here I am in a tent of depression on a night of despair in a backyard of disappointment. Now that's literary gold!
In honor of Brian Berkowicz coming up this weekend Brian Malfettone and I are thinking of throwing a themed party called Brianapooloza in which everyone would have to come as cavemen and cavegirls. In other words I would be going topless and Brian B. would be acting like himself.
The funniest moment of the week: During softball practice Rob was telling us about how he almost dunked while throwing down an alley oop pass in a basketball game. To which Billy replied, "where was this? In some kid's pool?"
Do you think that the actors who play Harry, Hermione, and Ron in the Harry Potter movies are reading the new book with extra interest wondering what scenes they will have to do when the movie comes out?
Another Harry Potter comparison that I forgot to make is.... just kidding. I'll try and spare you all the Harry Potter talk from now on. At least until #7 comes out.
Sorry but I just can't resist. He's Harry and I'm hairy.
From the sad but true archives: Sunday night my cousin Lauren come over with her husband Philipe. During conversation I told Lauren that I was going to become a high school teacher to which she replied, "How are you going to pull that off? You still look like you could be one of the students!"
On Tuesday, Phil from Baldwin called into the local sports talk show and sure enough it was Phil Malfettone, Brian's dad. He was talking about how the Yankees should trade Bernie Williams to the Dodgers for starting pitcher Derrek Lowe. First off, that's about as likely to happen as me finding a girlfriend before I turn 30. Secondly, now I know where Brian gets his crazy ideas from. Like father, like son.
Did you know that the finalists for President Bush's Supreme Court nomination were Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown, and Judge Mills Lane?
On Wednesday night my old boss from Adelphi called as part of a calling campaign to try and get me to complete my graduate application. She was just reading from a script and didn't even realize that it was me! Typical Adelphi.
I've been spending so much studying history lately that the other day when someone asked me for directions to the nearest pizzeria I went off on a twenty minute tangent about the Italian Revolution of 1848.
I don't know why I bother though. After four years of studying political science at Northeastern I still don't know what the difference is between liberals and conservatives. The only thing worse is that after 23 years I still don't know the difference between the Meadowbrook and Southern State parkways.
Rumor has it that Atlanta has a female to male ratio of 10:1. That just means that if I lived in Atlanta my chances of getting rejected would be 10x greater.
Having Melanie home for the weekend is like having your own personal IT technician in the house with the only differences being that she doesn't live in India and actually speaks English.
Why has everyone been hating on my chillaxing away message lately? It's just my default away message. It doesn't always mean that I'm chillaxing. I mean do you really think when you see the message "I am playing a computer game that takes up my whole screen" that the person is actually playing the game?
Saturday night I tried to go see Wedding Crashers but it was sold out in four theatres. Not a good way to follow up a night in which some girl asked me if I was into computers because I was wearing glasses. As I was sitting in Brian's backyard tent I thought to myself: here I am in a tent of depression on a night of despair in a backyard of disappointment. Now that's literary gold!
In honor of Brian Berkowicz coming up this weekend Brian Malfettone and I are thinking of throwing a themed party called Brianapooloza in which everyone would have to come as cavemen and cavegirls. In other words I would be going topless and Brian B. would be acting like himself.
The funniest moment of the week: During softball practice Rob was telling us about how he almost dunked while throwing down an alley oop pass in a basketball game. To which Billy replied, "where was this? In some kid's pool?"
It's Raining Surprises
Saturday was Melanie's surprise shower and boy was she surprised. She had absolutey no clue a lot like Joe Torre in how he used his bullpen last year or me when figuring out how to open up a condom package. She was so surprised in fact that instead of jumping up and down and screaming excitedly she just stood there quietly for several minutes trying to calculate exactly how she was duped.
Being the mathematical wiz that she is she actually devised a theorem to help her figure it out. It was: # of white lies told by family+ # of fibs told by friends + # of half truths told by anyone divided by deception equals surprise.
Once the shock slowly went away she began to open presents. Not that I'm complaining but did you know that the typical bride can expect engagement presents, shower presents, bachelorette party presents, and wedding gifts. That's four gifts for one person. The groom on the other hand just gets a bachelor party and the his part of the matching his and her bath towels. How come there's no groomal shower? What's up with that?
Anyway I gotta run, I've been in the shower so long I'm starting to shrivel up.
Being the mathematical wiz that she is she actually devised a theorem to help her figure it out. It was: # of white lies told by family+ # of fibs told by friends + # of half truths told by anyone divided by deception equals surprise.
Once the shock slowly went away she began to open presents. Not that I'm complaining but did you know that the typical bride can expect engagement presents, shower presents, bachelorette party presents, and wedding gifts. That's four gifts for one person. The groom on the other hand just gets a bachelor party and the his part of the matching his and her bath towels. How come there's no groomal shower? What's up with that?
Anyway I gotta run, I've been in the shower so long I'm starting to shrivel up.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Gamers, Eagles Split in Likely Playoff Preview
East Meadow, NY - In a likely first round playoff preview the Gamers (12-4) split two slugfests with the strong hitting Eagles who are the league's leading offense. The Gamers won the first game 14-8 but dropped the night cap 17-14 after their seventh inning rally fell short.
In the first game Rob Rathbun showed no ill effects of his hyper extended knee going 4 for 4 with 2 homeruns and 4 rbis earning him the new nickname of AROB. Not to be outdone Rathbun's double play partner Rob Roll also went yard as one of his three hits.
The Nicholson family clan, Zac (2 for 3 with 2 runs) and younger brother Luke (2 for 3) added to the Gamers offensive attack as did super sub Anthony Vega (2 for 3 with 2 runs).
In the second game the Gamers fell behind 10-1 after two innings, digging a hole that they could not climb out of although they sure did try. Billy Bezouska chipped in three hits, Rob Roll drove in five more runs, Peter Hon added two clutch hits, and Greg Roll went 2 for 3 with 2 runs and 3 rbis to lead the Gamers comeback attempt.
Craig Shames, who was promoted from third string catcher to ace pitcher before the first game went 4 for 5 on the day with 7 rbis while adding 3 strikeouts and 17 walks to his league leading totals.
All in all, it was a pretty good day for the Gamers except for members of the Malfettone family. Lcf Brian Malfettone went 2 for 8 on the day to extend his hitting slump to 9 for 29. To add insult to injury, prior to the sixth inning the umpire asked the lady sitting down the first base line to move back a few feet. The lady was Brian's dad Phil who will now be known as Phylis.
Brian did exact some revenge though leading off the seventh inning with a double and coming around to score after 'rubbing one out' in the ice cream truck behind home plate. However that was all the Gamers got as their rally fell short.
The Gamers will be off next week before their regular season finale against the Stallions.
In the first game Rob Rathbun showed no ill effects of his hyper extended knee going 4 for 4 with 2 homeruns and 4 rbis earning him the new nickname of AROB. Not to be outdone Rathbun's double play partner Rob Roll also went yard as one of his three hits.
The Nicholson family clan, Zac (2 for 3 with 2 runs) and younger brother Luke (2 for 3) added to the Gamers offensive attack as did super sub Anthony Vega (2 for 3 with 2 runs).
In the second game the Gamers fell behind 10-1 after two innings, digging a hole that they could not climb out of although they sure did try. Billy Bezouska chipped in three hits, Rob Roll drove in five more runs, Peter Hon added two clutch hits, and Greg Roll went 2 for 3 with 2 runs and 3 rbis to lead the Gamers comeback attempt.
Craig Shames, who was promoted from third string catcher to ace pitcher before the first game went 4 for 5 on the day with 7 rbis while adding 3 strikeouts and 17 walks to his league leading totals.
All in all, it was a pretty good day for the Gamers except for members of the Malfettone family. Lcf Brian Malfettone went 2 for 8 on the day to extend his hitting slump to 9 for 29. To add insult to injury, prior to the sixth inning the umpire asked the lady sitting down the first base line to move back a few feet. The lady was Brian's dad Phil who will now be known as Phylis.
Brian did exact some revenge though leading off the seventh inning with a double and coming around to score after 'rubbing one out' in the ice cream truck behind home plate. However that was all the Gamers got as their rally fell short.
The Gamers will be off next week before their regular season finale against the Stallions.
What a Crazy (Donkey) Night
Oh, what a crazy (donkey) night it was as me, Brian, and Russell hit up the Crazy Donkey in Farmingdale. Rob was supposed to come out too but he bailed at the last minute. His reasoning: he had a sun burn and it hurt too much to put a shirt on. (haha) For those of you who don't know who Rob is he's a tough guy who dives head first on cement to catch passes in street football. And yet tonight he won't come out because of a sun burn. He's never going to live this down, primarily because I won't let him.
Once we got there we got in for free with free drinks until 11 because Brian's friend Joe, who works for the Jets, hooked us up. I fell in love with one of Joe's friends, this hot little blonde, which could only mean one thing: her boyfriend was on the way and sure enough he rolled up at 10:30 right on cue, i.e. right when I decided that I liked her. Unbelievably that's like the 75th consecutive girl that I've liked that has had a boyfriend. I really know how to pick them.
While sulking about the love of my life leaving me this hot 25 year old model started talking to me and Brian. Well sort of. She came up to me and asked me if I was into computers since I was wearing glasses. I said no not really. What I should have said: yeah and I'm going to go home after tonight and look for you online at a beastality website. But since I didn't want to get my ass kicked I bit my tongue. As the conversation progressed she went on to ask me if I did drugs (I get that a lot) to which I replied: only when I'm sick. I think that proved my nerdiness as she said good bye shortly there after. But not before going off a tangent in which she repeatedly said that, "the devil made her do it" as she took a drink or did a random act. Definitely one of the crazest five minutes of my life.
But it was only the beginning as two of my best friends came out of the closet to me. First, Brian told Russell that he would have sex with him if it meant he could go on to have sex with Halle Berry. Then Russell went up to Brian while he was talking to a girl and tried to cock block him by grabbing his package and squeezing. Trust me those are two visuals that I did not want to have.
From there the night just got even crazier as we spotted a girl sitting by herself crying after getting dumped by her boyfriend. She was a 25 year old teacher who was looking for rebound sex and after five minutes of talking to me she started to walk home. If you can't get a desperate 25 year old who was just dumped and looking to rebound then you might as well retire.
So in one night I was rejected by the only two girls I talked to, found out the love of my life for the night has a boyfriend, and found out that two of my best friends are gay while another gave the lamest excuse ever.
If that's not the craziest (donkey) night ever then I don't know what is.
Once we got there we got in for free with free drinks until 11 because Brian's friend Joe, who works for the Jets, hooked us up. I fell in love with one of Joe's friends, this hot little blonde, which could only mean one thing: her boyfriend was on the way and sure enough he rolled up at 10:30 right on cue, i.e. right when I decided that I liked her. Unbelievably that's like the 75th consecutive girl that I've liked that has had a boyfriend. I really know how to pick them.
While sulking about the love of my life leaving me this hot 25 year old model started talking to me and Brian. Well sort of. She came up to me and asked me if I was into computers since I was wearing glasses. I said no not really. What I should have said: yeah and I'm going to go home after tonight and look for you online at a beastality website. But since I didn't want to get my ass kicked I bit my tongue. As the conversation progressed she went on to ask me if I did drugs (I get that a lot) to which I replied: only when I'm sick. I think that proved my nerdiness as she said good bye shortly there after. But not before going off a tangent in which she repeatedly said that, "the devil made her do it" as she took a drink or did a random act. Definitely one of the crazest five minutes of my life.
But it was only the beginning as two of my best friends came out of the closet to me. First, Brian told Russell that he would have sex with him if it meant he could go on to have sex with Halle Berry. Then Russell went up to Brian while he was talking to a girl and tried to cock block him by grabbing his package and squeezing. Trust me those are two visuals that I did not want to have.
From there the night just got even crazier as we spotted a girl sitting by herself crying after getting dumped by her boyfriend. She was a 25 year old teacher who was looking for rebound sex and after five minutes of talking to me she started to walk home. If you can't get a desperate 25 year old who was just dumped and looking to rebound then you might as well retire.
So in one night I was rejected by the only two girls I talked to, found out the love of my life for the night has a boyfriend, and found out that two of my best friends are gay while another gave the lamest excuse ever.
If that's not the craziest (donkey) night ever then I don't know what is.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Revenge of the Fantasy Gods
Maybe they read my previous post entitled, Five Minutes With God, in which I proclaimed to be an atheist. Or perhaps they were angered when I ran my mouth for the last four months proclaiming to be a genuine fantasy god.
Either way, the merciless Fantasy Gods, finally got their revenge on me last night as they prevented me from conducting my first fantasy football draft of the season. You see, when I tried to enter the draft room on yahoo.com I was denied access. I thought I had something to do with my pop up blocker but once disabled I still couldn't get in. I also tried my laptop and Mark's computer and none worked.
Befuddled I asked the all knowing and powerful Goddess of Computers, Melanie, for help but she couldn't even fix it. That's when you know there's a higher power at work.
Unable to enter the draft room I was forced to draft blind, telling my picks via phone, to Brian Berkowicz in true war room fashion as he made them for me on his computer. Now that's a true friend.
He hooked me up in a moment that I'm sure will make it into my best man speech at his wedding but unfortunately for him he also provided me with unlimited ammunition for bragging rights. After all, if I can win a league in which I drafted off the top of my head, without being privy to the list of available players or who had already been drafted, then he's never going to hear the end of it. And neither will the Fantasy Gods.
In case you were wondering here's who I drafted:
QB: Aaron Brooks/Jake Plummer
RB: Ladanian Tomlinson/Fred Taylor/Travis Henry
WR: Marvin Harrison/Plaxico Burress/Deion Branch/Peerless Price/Antwaan Randel El
TE: Antonio Gates
K: Mike Vanderjagt
DEF: Jets
What say you to that?
Either way, the merciless Fantasy Gods, finally got their revenge on me last night as they prevented me from conducting my first fantasy football draft of the season. You see, when I tried to enter the draft room on yahoo.com I was denied access. I thought I had something to do with my pop up blocker but once disabled I still couldn't get in. I also tried my laptop and Mark's computer and none worked.
Befuddled I asked the all knowing and powerful Goddess of Computers, Melanie, for help but she couldn't even fix it. That's when you know there's a higher power at work.
Unable to enter the draft room I was forced to draft blind, telling my picks via phone, to Brian Berkowicz in true war room fashion as he made them for me on his computer. Now that's a true friend.
He hooked me up in a moment that I'm sure will make it into my best man speech at his wedding but unfortunately for him he also provided me with unlimited ammunition for bragging rights. After all, if I can win a league in which I drafted off the top of my head, without being privy to the list of available players or who had already been drafted, then he's never going to hear the end of it. And neither will the Fantasy Gods.
In case you were wondering here's who I drafted:
QB: Aaron Brooks/Jake Plummer
RB: Ladanian Tomlinson/Fred Taylor/Travis Henry
WR: Marvin Harrison/Plaxico Burress/Deion Branch/Peerless Price/Antwaan Randel El
TE: Antonio Gates
K: Mike Vanderjagt
DEF: Jets
What say you to that?
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Yankees to Consider Malfettone in Centerfield?
To break up the monotony of non stop Harry Potter posts here is a parody article that I wrote for www.gamersallaccess.blogspot.com:
On Tuesday afternoon Gamers pitcher turned third string catcher Craig Shames nearly drove off the road while listening to a popular sports talk show. That's because 'Phil from Baldwin' called in to address the state of the Yankees centerfield situation.'Phil from Baldwin' turned out to be Phil Malfettone, the father of Gamers lcf Brian Malfettone.
Mr. Malfettone suggested that with the Yankees starting pitching being what it is that they should trade centerfielder Bernie Williams along with reliever Tanyon Sturtze to the Dodgers for sinkerballer Derrek Lowe.
When talk show host Ian Eagle asked Phil who would replace Williams in centerfield, he suggested players like Seattle's Randy Winn, Colorado's Eric Brynes, and his own son, Brian Malfettone who patrols left centerfield for the Gamers, a slow pitch softball team thats plays on Long Island.
Ian Eagle while controlling his laughter asked Phil why he thought Brian would be a good fit for the Yankees. Mr. Malfettone replied, "well you know Iron he's a lot younger than Bernie so you don't have to worry about injury. He's not the fastest guy in the world but he gets a good break on the ball to make up for that. Plus he looks a lot like Andy Pettitte so maybe that will make Yankee fans, who clamor for the good old days, happy."
When hearing of Phil's comments, Gamers manager William Bezouska replied, "why would the Yankees want Brian? We don't even want him. I mean he shows up wearing these shotty sunglasses that he got for $5 in Quick Pick, he carries around all his equipment in a plastic bag from Waldbaums, and he plays the outfield with a tiny infielder's glove that's so old that it came with Ozzie Smith's autograph in it. Honestly, if I didn't know any better I would think he was homeless."
Perhaps then it would be good for Brian to get signed by the Yankees. After all, he could certainly use the money as Gamers shortstop and long time Malfettone confidant Rob Roll can attest to, "The other day I was driving with Brian and his gas tank was below the red line. The light was on and I told him that he should pull over and get gas. But he was like, 'nah, the light's just there to scare you, I can make it another 20 miles before I need to get gas.'"
Gamers second baseman Rob Rathbun added, "The other day I saw him run past me on his was to the outfield and his heels were hanging out of his cleats. I was like, 'Brian do those things still fit you?' He said they did but if I didn't know any better I would say that those were the same cleats he had in little league."
Since there's a greater chance of Shames getting laid than there is of Malfettone getting signed by the Yankees several Gamers have decided to start an equipment fund for Brian. Outfielder Greg Roll said he would consider asking some of the girls in his class to do a car wash at Baldwin High School while first baseman Zac Nicholson said that he will donate proceeds from his next movie to the fund.
Bezouska said that once all the funds have been collected the money we will be given to Rob Roll to buy new equipment on his way to the next game since he's already so good at doing that.
"We just didn't trust Brian enough to give him the money straight up," Bezouska said, "We were worried that he would just go and spend it at the hot dog truck on Sunrise Highway."
On Tuesday afternoon Gamers pitcher turned third string catcher Craig Shames nearly drove off the road while listening to a popular sports talk show. That's because 'Phil from Baldwin' called in to address the state of the Yankees centerfield situation.'Phil from Baldwin' turned out to be Phil Malfettone, the father of Gamers lcf Brian Malfettone.
Mr. Malfettone suggested that with the Yankees starting pitching being what it is that they should trade centerfielder Bernie Williams along with reliever Tanyon Sturtze to the Dodgers for sinkerballer Derrek Lowe.
When talk show host Ian Eagle asked Phil who would replace Williams in centerfield, he suggested players like Seattle's Randy Winn, Colorado's Eric Brynes, and his own son, Brian Malfettone who patrols left centerfield for the Gamers, a slow pitch softball team thats plays on Long Island.
Ian Eagle while controlling his laughter asked Phil why he thought Brian would be a good fit for the Yankees. Mr. Malfettone replied, "well you know Iron he's a lot younger than Bernie so you don't have to worry about injury. He's not the fastest guy in the world but he gets a good break on the ball to make up for that. Plus he looks a lot like Andy Pettitte so maybe that will make Yankee fans, who clamor for the good old days, happy."
When hearing of Phil's comments, Gamers manager William Bezouska replied, "why would the Yankees want Brian? We don't even want him. I mean he shows up wearing these shotty sunglasses that he got for $5 in Quick Pick, he carries around all his equipment in a plastic bag from Waldbaums, and he plays the outfield with a tiny infielder's glove that's so old that it came with Ozzie Smith's autograph in it. Honestly, if I didn't know any better I would think he was homeless."
Perhaps then it would be good for Brian to get signed by the Yankees. After all, he could certainly use the money as Gamers shortstop and long time Malfettone confidant Rob Roll can attest to, "The other day I was driving with Brian and his gas tank was below the red line. The light was on and I told him that he should pull over and get gas. But he was like, 'nah, the light's just there to scare you, I can make it another 20 miles before I need to get gas.'"
Gamers second baseman Rob Rathbun added, "The other day I saw him run past me on his was to the outfield and his heels were hanging out of his cleats. I was like, 'Brian do those things still fit you?' He said they did but if I didn't know any better I would say that those were the same cleats he had in little league."
Since there's a greater chance of Shames getting laid than there is of Malfettone getting signed by the Yankees several Gamers have decided to start an equipment fund for Brian. Outfielder Greg Roll said he would consider asking some of the girls in his class to do a car wash at Baldwin High School while first baseman Zac Nicholson said that he will donate proceeds from his next movie to the fund.
Bezouska said that once all the funds have been collected the money we will be given to Rob Roll to buy new equipment on his way to the next game since he's already so good at doing that.
"We just didn't trust Brian enough to give him the money straight up," Bezouska said, "We were worried that he would just go and spend it at the hot dog truck on Sunrise Highway."
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
More Random Harry Potter Thoughts
Since I know you all can't get enough of Harry Potter I've decided to dedicate yet another blog post to the subject. Partly because it's interesting to me but primarily because I have to go study for my first two history tests on Thursday and don't have a lot of time to think about anything else.
But before I go and memerize some useless facts that I'm never going to use again in real life, I wanted to hit on two more things that bothered me about Harry Potter. First off, has there ever been a more useless hero in the history of mankind? It always seems as though Harry gets by on sheer luck or the abilities of his friends more than he does on his own abilities. It's always a phoenix swooping in to heal him or Hermione remembering the correct spell to use. He never does anything for himself. I don't know about all of you but I see right through him.
Secondly, isn't it convenient how whatever he needs to get out of a particular jam he always seems to have what he needs with him. Such is the wonders of magic. Rowling has written herself the perfect situation. One in which there is a way to write yourself out of any potential dead end since when in doubt there is magic you can do. It reminds me of the old Batman and Robin tv shows starring Adam West. Whatever he needed for that episode he would have in his bat belt. I swear one time he even took out a bad ladder and climbed a building. I mean, come on. A bat ladder?!?!?
But before I go and memerize some useless facts that I'm never going to use again in real life, I wanted to hit on two more things that bothered me about Harry Potter. First off, has there ever been a more useless hero in the history of mankind? It always seems as though Harry gets by on sheer luck or the abilities of his friends more than he does on his own abilities. It's always a phoenix swooping in to heal him or Hermione remembering the correct spell to use. He never does anything for himself. I don't know about all of you but I see right through him.
Secondly, isn't it convenient how whatever he needs to get out of a particular jam he always seems to have what he needs with him. Such is the wonders of magic. Rowling has written herself the perfect situation. One in which there is a way to write yourself out of any potential dead end since when in doubt there is magic you can do. It reminds me of the old Batman and Robin tv shows starring Adam West. Whatever he needed for that episode he would have in his bat belt. I swear one time he even took out a bad ladder and climbed a building. I mean, come on. A bat ladder?!?!?
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Harry Potter and the Craig Shames Comparisons
While reading the latest Harry Potter book I came across a couple of very interesting lines. Don't worry the following excerpts don't reveal who dies or who the half blood prince is but they do show how I'm very similar to Harry Potter or at least characters in the series in terms of eating habits:
1. From page. 143. The new teacher, Professor Slughorn says, "I've packed my own lunch; the trolley, as I remember it, is heavy on licorice wands, and a poor old man's digestive system isn't quite up to such things..."
2. From page. 252. J.K. Rowlings writes about Harry, "The smell of roast beef made Harry's stomach ache with hunger..."
Looks like I would have fit in very nicely at Hogwarts seeing how there were licorice wands and roast beef aplenty. But similar eating habits alone does not make people compare me to Harry Potter or others in the wizarding world. I think it has more to do with my deshelved appearance, passion for all things fantasy (sports that is), and striking resemblance to a third grader.
Nonetheless, I have been compared to animated cartoon or made up fictional characters more times than President Bush says the word evildoers in one of his speeches. Here's the updated list:
Harry Potter
Arthur the Aardvark
Where's Waldo
Jimmy Neutron
Curious George
On the bright side, at least no one has ever said that I look like Alf. In terms of real people I have gotten:
Freddie Prince Jr.
Ben Affleck
Keanu Reaves
Topher Grace
John Carpenter - the 1st champ on Who Wants to be a Millionaire
Again on the bright side, at least no one has ever said that I look like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show.
But seriously what's with everyone always trying to compare me to someone else? What's wrong with being Craig Shames?
Don't answer that, it was just a rhetorical question.
1. From page. 143. The new teacher, Professor Slughorn says, "I've packed my own lunch; the trolley, as I remember it, is heavy on licorice wands, and a poor old man's digestive system isn't quite up to such things..."
2. From page. 252. J.K. Rowlings writes about Harry, "The smell of roast beef made Harry's stomach ache with hunger..."
Looks like I would have fit in very nicely at Hogwarts seeing how there were licorice wands and roast beef aplenty. But similar eating habits alone does not make people compare me to Harry Potter or others in the wizarding world. I think it has more to do with my deshelved appearance, passion for all things fantasy (sports that is), and striking resemblance to a third grader.
Nonetheless, I have been compared to animated cartoon or made up fictional characters more times than President Bush says the word evildoers in one of his speeches. Here's the updated list:
Harry Potter
Arthur the Aardvark
Where's Waldo
Jimmy Neutron
Curious George
On the bright side, at least no one has ever said that I look like Alf. In terms of real people I have gotten:
Freddie Prince Jr.
Ben Affleck
Keanu Reaves
Topher Grace
John Carpenter - the 1st champ on Who Wants to be a Millionaire
Again on the bright side, at least no one has ever said that I look like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show.
But seriously what's with everyone always trying to compare me to someone else? What's wrong with being Craig Shames?
Don't answer that, it was just a rhetorical question.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Welcome Back, Potter
I just saw a firefly for the first time all summer which goes to show just how much I get out. Usually it's because I'm watching the Mighty Ducks movies on HBO family but this time I had a valid reason. At least I thought I did. I was reading the new Harry Potter book!
652 pages and it only took me 25 hours, eight of which were spent sleeping, 1 of which was spent in the shower, and two of which were spent eating. Basically I read it in only 14 hours or a rate of about 50 pages an hour.
Ideally, I would have liked to have read it more slowly so as to enjoy it but I didn't want anybody to ruin it for me by revealing who died and or who the Half Blood Prince was. I had no choice but to read it as fast as possible. Problem is that I read it so fast the whole book is just one big blur and I still don't know what happened. But at least I can have my life back after a weekend spent devoted to reading. Which is incidentally more reading that I did in four years of college.
The series though is truly fascinating. To me, the most remarkable part is the ingenious plot, not just within any one book, but moreover within the whole series. It's so well thought out that it makes you wonder how one person, how one previously unemployed person, can craft it so quickly.
Being the conspiracy theorist that I am, I'll believe almost any theory I hear and so I'm drawn to the idea that J.K. Rowling didn't do this all on her own. Rumor has it that she found these old stories about a boy wizard (probably while rummaging through the garbage looking for food) and simply fine tuned them, turning them into the popular children's series that we are now obsessed with. (see Taginski, Leigh)
The proof lies soley in her husband (pictured below) who bares a striking resemblance to Harry Potter himself. Is the book based on him? Or is Rowling merely fashioning Potter out of qualities that her husband embodies? Perhaps she humanized the character in the already written novels and brought him to life by making him out to be like her husband? Maybe Hermione is based loosely on her own life?
Who knows for sure? But one thing is certain. The novels are so cleverly thought out, not just in plot or character development but in the names of toys being sold in the Weasley's joke shop that it would be almost impossible to make up all the clever details in such a short period of time. She's either the greatest novelist of all time or an imposter. Or maybe even an accurate historian disguised as a children's novelist. Maybe all this really happened? And is happening? Maybe there really are witches and wizards? Maybe they left behind these tales as proof of their existence?
Since most people already think I'm crazy, I won't push the issue further. Nonetheless the novels are great and I implore anyone whose too stubborn to read them to get with the program. I usually hate conforming with society, which is why I still haven't read the DaVinci Code, but this is different. This is a must read. After all, if it's so good that I can't put it down for 25 straight hours than it must at least be worth a shot.
The pope though thinks differently. Which just goes to show why I'm not religious. Religious types are so out of touch with society it's ridicilious. They still think that it's possible for it to rain leaches or for large bodies of water to be parted. Still believe that there's a heaven and hell. And yet they won't believe in magic despite the fact that several wizarding subjects mentioned in the book also are prevalent in modern society, i.e. mind reading, fortune telling, and time travel.
Personally, I think the Pope should spend more time fighting terrorism and less time worrying about whose reading the Half Blood Prince. But that's about as likely to happen as me going out on a Saturday night. After all, there are children's books to read and children's movies to watch on HBO family.
652 pages and it only took me 25 hours, eight of which were spent sleeping, 1 of which was spent in the shower, and two of which were spent eating. Basically I read it in only 14 hours or a rate of about 50 pages an hour.
Ideally, I would have liked to have read it more slowly so as to enjoy it but I didn't want anybody to ruin it for me by revealing who died and or who the Half Blood Prince was. I had no choice but to read it as fast as possible. Problem is that I read it so fast the whole book is just one big blur and I still don't know what happened. But at least I can have my life back after a weekend spent devoted to reading. Which is incidentally more reading that I did in four years of college.
The series though is truly fascinating. To me, the most remarkable part is the ingenious plot, not just within any one book, but moreover within the whole series. It's so well thought out that it makes you wonder how one person, how one previously unemployed person, can craft it so quickly.
Being the conspiracy theorist that I am, I'll believe almost any theory I hear and so I'm drawn to the idea that J.K. Rowling didn't do this all on her own. Rumor has it that she found these old stories about a boy wizard (probably while rummaging through the garbage looking for food) and simply fine tuned them, turning them into the popular children's series that we are now obsessed with. (see Taginski, Leigh)
The proof lies soley in her husband (pictured below) who bares a striking resemblance to Harry Potter himself. Is the book based on him? Or is Rowling merely fashioning Potter out of qualities that her husband embodies? Perhaps she humanized the character in the already written novels and brought him to life by making him out to be like her husband? Maybe Hermione is based loosely on her own life?
Who knows for sure? But one thing is certain. The novels are so cleverly thought out, not just in plot or character development but in the names of toys being sold in the Weasley's joke shop that it would be almost impossible to make up all the clever details in such a short period of time. She's either the greatest novelist of all time or an imposter. Or maybe even an accurate historian disguised as a children's novelist. Maybe all this really happened? And is happening? Maybe there really are witches and wizards? Maybe they left behind these tales as proof of their existence?
Since most people already think I'm crazy, I won't push the issue further. Nonetheless the novels are great and I implore anyone whose too stubborn to read them to get with the program. I usually hate conforming with society, which is why I still haven't read the DaVinci Code, but this is different. This is a must read. After all, if it's so good that I can't put it down for 25 straight hours than it must at least be worth a shot.
The pope though thinks differently. Which just goes to show why I'm not religious. Religious types are so out of touch with society it's ridicilious. They still think that it's possible for it to rain leaches or for large bodies of water to be parted. Still believe that there's a heaven and hell. And yet they won't believe in magic despite the fact that several wizarding subjects mentioned in the book also are prevalent in modern society, i.e. mind reading, fortune telling, and time travel.
Personally, I think the Pope should spend more time fighting terrorism and less time worrying about whose reading the Half Blood Prince. But that's about as likely to happen as me going out on a Saturday night. After all, there are children's books to read and children's movies to watch on HBO family.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Week in Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
Earlier this week Brian B said that he was preparing a stand up comedy routine. As I've learned so far in my history class, 'those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it'. So Brian, what are you doing? Don't you remember when I tried stand up and left the stage to a chorus of, "Craig Sucks, Craig Sucks". It's too late for me but you can still save yourself!
But while you're up there remember that you want to kill not bomb. Killing is good it means you're funny. Bombing is bad it means you suck.
Speaking of comedy, my teacher joked that an economist is like a sex expert whose never been with a girl. In other words an economist is a lot like me.
Did anybody read in the news about that teacher who called in sick but wound up going to Japan to wrestle. He wound up getting fired but appeared monday night on Raw in a match against Kurt Angle. A teacher who wanted to become a wrestler. Sounds familar.
By the way that guy might be my new idol. After all, Derek Jeter didn't even make the all star team. And it's been about four years since he won a World Series. Sorry Derek but I've moved on.
Proof that I'm a fantasy god: At the all star break I was in the top 3 in 13 of 14 yahoo leagues. Which means I'm either the greatest fantasy baseball player of all time or the biggest loser of all time. Take your pick.
But I would lean towards loser if I were you. After all, I did stay in on Saturday night to start reading the new Harry Potter book.
Earlier this week Brian B said that he was preparing a stand up comedy routine. As I've learned so far in my history class, 'those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it'. So Brian, what are you doing? Don't you remember when I tried stand up and left the stage to a chorus of, "Craig Sucks, Craig Sucks". It's too late for me but you can still save yourself!
But while you're up there remember that you want to kill not bomb. Killing is good it means you're funny. Bombing is bad it means you suck.
Speaking of comedy, my teacher joked that an economist is like a sex expert whose never been with a girl. In other words an economist is a lot like me.
Did anybody read in the news about that teacher who called in sick but wound up going to Japan to wrestle. He wound up getting fired but appeared monday night on Raw in a match against Kurt Angle. A teacher who wanted to become a wrestler. Sounds familar.
By the way that guy might be my new idol. After all, Derek Jeter didn't even make the all star team. And it's been about four years since he won a World Series. Sorry Derek but I've moved on.
Proof that I'm a fantasy god: At the all star break I was in the top 3 in 13 of 14 yahoo leagues. Which means I'm either the greatest fantasy baseball player of all time or the biggest loser of all time. Take your pick.
But I would lean towards loser if I were you. After all, I did stay in on Saturday night to start reading the new Harry Potter book.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Mighty Gamers Drop Two
Hicksville, NY - Gamers 1b Zac Nicholson, a NYU film student and aspiring pornographer needed to come up with a good idea for an upcoming film festival with a mustache trimmer as its grand prize.
"I knew that I couldn't submit footage from fantasy night or from Hot Bunz: Hot Stickz," Nicholson said. "But I really wanted that trimmer, so it was on to plan B."
Which for the Gamers meant agreeing to take part in a parody of the three Might Ducks movies entitled the, 'Mighty Gamers'. As such, they lost the two game showdown against the Stallions on purpose, 18-5 and 13-4, to set up a dramatic comeback victory against the favored Stallions in the championship game that Nicholson hopes will be the final scene in his film.
In explaining his vision, Nicholson said, "We wanted to portray the Stallions as a team of thugs with superior talent similar to the Hawks in the first movie or team Iceland in the second one. Luckily for us they helped us out more than we could have ever hoped for, trash talking, issuing death threats, and getting players thrown out of the game left and right."
Like any of the three movies the Ducks still had their moments despite the losses. Rf Dave Roll, portraying the role of the portly goaltender, Goldberg, made a diving catch preventing a goal, er run from scoring. Similarly, rcf Billy Bezouska did his best immitation of the female Olmypic Figure Skater from the second movie, making a spinning triple axle catch that ended in a pirouette. As they took the field to start the second game the outfield of Bezouska, Roll, Brian Malfettone and Greg Roll actually ran out in a flying v formation.
In Game Two, star second baseman Rob Rathbun played the role of star winger Adam Banks perfectly going down with a knee injury in the sixth inning just when the Gamers were about to make their run which is usually when Banks would hurt his wrist.
From his hospital bed, Rathbun asked Nicholson, "did you get my good side as they were taking me off on the stretcher? I can come in tomorrow for another take if you need to do it over?"
To replace Rathbun, Javier from the Hurricanes filled in ala Los Angeles' own Russell Tyler from the second movie. He didn't have a knuckle puck in his repetoire but he did play good defense and pop up in his only at bat like everyone else on the team. In fact, the Gamers first four batters, R. Roll, Rathbun, Malfettone, and Dave Kheel combined to go for 4 for 21 in the two games with four rbis all by Roll.
Instead the offensive stars were Nicholson (four hits, three rbis), Craig "Averman" Shames (3 hits), Dave "Goldberg" Roll (two hits), and Billy "Charlie Conway" Bezouska (two hits).
Despite the two losses the Gamers were excited about their parts in the Might Ducks remake.
"Maybe this will be the big break I need to get discovered for my own reality tv show," Shames said. "But I don't want to get my hopes up."
"I knew that I couldn't submit footage from fantasy night or from Hot Bunz: Hot Stickz," Nicholson said. "But I really wanted that trimmer, so it was on to plan B."
Which for the Gamers meant agreeing to take part in a parody of the three Might Ducks movies entitled the, 'Mighty Gamers'. As such, they lost the two game showdown against the Stallions on purpose, 18-5 and 13-4, to set up a dramatic comeback victory against the favored Stallions in the championship game that Nicholson hopes will be the final scene in his film.
In explaining his vision, Nicholson said, "We wanted to portray the Stallions as a team of thugs with superior talent similar to the Hawks in the first movie or team Iceland in the second one. Luckily for us they helped us out more than we could have ever hoped for, trash talking, issuing death threats, and getting players thrown out of the game left and right."
Like any of the three movies the Ducks still had their moments despite the losses. Rf Dave Roll, portraying the role of the portly goaltender, Goldberg, made a diving catch preventing a goal, er run from scoring. Similarly, rcf Billy Bezouska did his best immitation of the female Olmypic Figure Skater from the second movie, making a spinning triple axle catch that ended in a pirouette. As they took the field to start the second game the outfield of Bezouska, Roll, Brian Malfettone and Greg Roll actually ran out in a flying v formation.
In Game Two, star second baseman Rob Rathbun played the role of star winger Adam Banks perfectly going down with a knee injury in the sixth inning just when the Gamers were about to make their run which is usually when Banks would hurt his wrist.
From his hospital bed, Rathbun asked Nicholson, "did you get my good side as they were taking me off on the stretcher? I can come in tomorrow for another take if you need to do it over?"
To replace Rathbun, Javier from the Hurricanes filled in ala Los Angeles' own Russell Tyler from the second movie. He didn't have a knuckle puck in his repetoire but he did play good defense and pop up in his only at bat like everyone else on the team. In fact, the Gamers first four batters, R. Roll, Rathbun, Malfettone, and Dave Kheel combined to go for 4 for 21 in the two games with four rbis all by Roll.
Instead the offensive stars were Nicholson (four hits, three rbis), Craig "Averman" Shames (3 hits), Dave "Goldberg" Roll (two hits), and Billy "Charlie Conway" Bezouska (two hits).
Despite the two losses the Gamers were excited about their parts in the Might Ducks remake.
"Maybe this will be the big break I need to get discovered for my own reality tv show," Shames said. "But I don't want to get my hopes up."
Friday, July 15, 2005
Oceanside Ripped on Z100
The worst part about being unemployed and not having to wake up until 2 pm was missing out on all the morning talk shows, whether it be the z morning zoo on z100, the Howard Stern Show, or Mike and Mike in the Morning on Espn Radio 1050. Now that I'm back in school I get to listen to all those shows again and yesterday while flipping through I landed on z100 for their sleeze report.
What followed shocked me. For the first time, their promotional lackey, Greg T the round headed frat boy, was in my home town of Oceanside giving out t-shirts. However, the smell from the local garbage dump bothered him so much that he proceeded to rip Oceanside mercilessly leading to a debate with angry callers who kicked him out!
The funniest part about all that is that it's so true. We smell worse than New Jersey. Worse than Roseanne Barr after having sex. Worse than, well me, after playing softball. But that's not all we're known for.
We're also famous for having 6 pharmacies on the same block, a bagel store on every street corner and a person to deli ratio of 15:1. But the worst part is that we have to suffer through the indignity of being called Oceanside when we're not even next to the Ocean. That would be Long Beach. So our name and entire existence is a fraud.
To rectify the situation, I think they should switch the two names, so that we'll become Long Beach at which time we'll be renamed Long Shopping Area since that's all anyone does around here anyway. Seriously, there's no pool hall, or bowling alley and the movie theatre has more mice in it than my apartment at NU junior year. But hey, if anyone needs socks you can get some at Kohl's or Marshall's or TJ Maxx or the Gap or.........
What followed shocked me. For the first time, their promotional lackey, Greg T the round headed frat boy, was in my home town of Oceanside giving out t-shirts. However, the smell from the local garbage dump bothered him so much that he proceeded to rip Oceanside mercilessly leading to a debate with angry callers who kicked him out!
The funniest part about all that is that it's so true. We smell worse than New Jersey. Worse than Roseanne Barr after having sex. Worse than, well me, after playing softball. But that's not all we're known for.
We're also famous for having 6 pharmacies on the same block, a bagel store on every street corner and a person to deli ratio of 15:1. But the worst part is that we have to suffer through the indignity of being called Oceanside when we're not even next to the Ocean. That would be Long Beach. So our name and entire existence is a fraud.
To rectify the situation, I think they should switch the two names, so that we'll become Long Beach at which time we'll be renamed Long Shopping Area since that's all anyone does around here anyway. Seriously, there's no pool hall, or bowling alley and the movie theatre has more mice in it than my apartment at NU junior year. But hey, if anyone needs socks you can get some at Kohl's or Marshall's or TJ Maxx or the Gap or.........
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Photo Expose: Army Days
I got a new scanner today which means that I can now scan my hairy ass and email it to unsuspecting administrators at Northeastern. More importantly though it means that for your viewing pleasure we can now have weekly photo exposes. Up first, a look back at some memorable moments from my Army days. Enjoy.
The site of all my glory....We had to climb across these chain links without falling in the water....I really had to make sure I didn't fall in because I forgot to bring a change of underwear....Falling in would have been disastrous....Luckily I made it across after hanging by my feet at one point and doing a hand stand on the links at another.....After making it safely across I received a standing ovation from everyone at the entire obstacle course.....
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
All Star Game Musings and Rants
Just woke up and blew a collective sigh of relief after seeing that the American League won home field advantage in the World Series. I don't know what's worse. The fact that the all star game determines home field advantage in the World Series. Or the fact that I found out through espn.com since it ended too late. Just some of the many things wrong with professional baseball right now. Here are some of my other random thoughts, musings, and rants from around the world of baseball:
I like the idea of a world baseball classic but scheduling it before spring training when injury risk is at its height makes about as much sense as George Bush being named the grand marshall of a Gay Pride Parade.
At this rate none of the top stars (see Sheffield, Gary) are going to play out of fear of injury. Especially players entering their free agent walk year. The tournament should be held, if at all, immediately following the mlb season only involving players from the 22 teams whom didn't make the playoffs that year. That way players don't get too burned out for the following year and will have enough time to recover. Since it will be November by then games could be held in dome stadiums around the U.S. and Japan or in warm weather locals in the Caribbean.
It is an interesting concept though. I wonder if they were to break it down even further by ethnic and religious groups what they could come up with. The Jewish team wouldn't be that bad. It would have Diamondbacks outfielder Shawn Green, Cardinals starting pitcher Jason Marquis and 23 team's accountants.
I still can't believe that Derek Jeter is not in the all star game. He was used to promote the game in commercial spots that aired on fox for crying out loud. Having an all star game without Jeter is like having a carrot eaters anoymous meeting without me. It's absolutely unacceptable.
I was shocked that Red Sox outfielder Johnny Damon complained about starting pitcher Curt Schilling moving into the bullpen for health reasons. I thought that Ben Affleck was the official team spokesman for the Red Sox anyway, not Damon. Who died and made Damon king of the Red Sox? Oh yeah, it was Affleck's career. My bad Johnny. Complain away.
How is Rangers starting pitcher Kenny Rogers allowed to participate in the all star game when he's been suspended for 20 games for assaulting a camerman? That's like me getting invited to Brian Feldman's house for dinner after I broke his nose. I wouldn't want to go and I don't know why Rogers is insisting upon showing up at the all star game. What an assclown.
You gotta love Gary Sheffield for saying what everyone else is always thinking. I think they should sell portable Gary Sheffield bobble heads that carry pre recorded messages in them. That way when you're in a tough spot and want to tell someone off but can't find the right words, Sheff will be right there to cook something up for you. A product like that would have come in handy when I was getting fired a few months ago.
In watching fox telecasts is there any need for that annoying animation, Scooter? I thought we were an advanced civilization. I feel dumber for having watched Scotter tell me how to throw a changeup.
I like the idea of a world baseball classic but scheduling it before spring training when injury risk is at its height makes about as much sense as George Bush being named the grand marshall of a Gay Pride Parade.
At this rate none of the top stars (see Sheffield, Gary) are going to play out of fear of injury. Especially players entering their free agent walk year. The tournament should be held, if at all, immediately following the mlb season only involving players from the 22 teams whom didn't make the playoffs that year. That way players don't get too burned out for the following year and will have enough time to recover. Since it will be November by then games could be held in dome stadiums around the U.S. and Japan or in warm weather locals in the Caribbean.
It is an interesting concept though. I wonder if they were to break it down even further by ethnic and religious groups what they could come up with. The Jewish team wouldn't be that bad. It would have Diamondbacks outfielder Shawn Green, Cardinals starting pitcher Jason Marquis and 23 team's accountants.
I still can't believe that Derek Jeter is not in the all star game. He was used to promote the game in commercial spots that aired on fox for crying out loud. Having an all star game without Jeter is like having a carrot eaters anoymous meeting without me. It's absolutely unacceptable.
I was shocked that Red Sox outfielder Johnny Damon complained about starting pitcher Curt Schilling moving into the bullpen for health reasons. I thought that Ben Affleck was the official team spokesman for the Red Sox anyway, not Damon. Who died and made Damon king of the Red Sox? Oh yeah, it was Affleck's career. My bad Johnny. Complain away.
How is Rangers starting pitcher Kenny Rogers allowed to participate in the all star game when he's been suspended for 20 games for assaulting a camerman? That's like me getting invited to Brian Feldman's house for dinner after I broke his nose. I wouldn't want to go and I don't know why Rogers is insisting upon showing up at the all star game. What an assclown.
You gotta love Gary Sheffield for saying what everyone else is always thinking. I think they should sell portable Gary Sheffield bobble heads that carry pre recorded messages in them. That way when you're in a tough spot and want to tell someone off but can't find the right words, Sheff will be right there to cook something up for you. A product like that would have come in handy when I was getting fired a few months ago.
In watching fox telecasts is there any need for that annoying animation, Scooter? I thought we were an advanced civilization. I feel dumber for having watched Scotter tell me how to throw a changeup.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
The Gym. What's That?
I went to the gym today for like the seventh time since I joined last January. Not exactly fulfilling my new year's resolution, I know. But hey I'm a busy guy. Luckily today I found some time in between naps to pump some iron as they say. My motivation was simple: to improve my substandard physique in order to impress the ladies. My dashing good lucks and unparalleled wit just wasn't getting the job done anymore.
All I'm going to say is that you know it's been a while since you last went to the gym when they rearrange the place on you. In my case they redid the entire upstairs, moving all the cardio machines up there. The gym I go to is open 24 hours, but even if they were working around the clock you gotta figure that it's still gonna take a week or two to pull off a move of that size. Just goes to show how much I go. In fact, I go so infrequently that I didn't even know which way to hold my card in order to swipe in. For the record you swipe with the words Synergy facing you.
Once I was in and acclimated to the new surroundings I planned out my routine. Fifteen minutes later I was home. I must have ADD or something becasue I get so bored when I'm working out. Three machines and I'm out like a fat kid in dodgeball. With a routine that short the only thing that gets worked out are my eyes as I check out the eye candy in between doing curls with my 10 pound weights.
Occassinally I'll switch to a heavier weight, say 30 pounds, as I did today. But that was only because I saw somebody I knew and didn't want them to see how much weight I normally use.
The worst part about the whole gym experience is that I don't know what I'm doing and I wind up looking like one of those guys with disproportionate body parts. You know the guys with the huge shoulders and small heads. I usually just lift and work out my upper body and as such find myself with chicken legs and a chiseled abdomen.
Just kidding about the chiseled part. The truth is that I used to have a six pack but now I just have a keg. And the worst part is that I don't even drink.
Anyone who says that working out energizes them, doesn't know what they're talking about. It's exhausting. Those damn eliptical machines took a lot out of me. So, if you'll excuse me it's time for my afternoon nap.
All I'm going to say is that you know it's been a while since you last went to the gym when they rearrange the place on you. In my case they redid the entire upstairs, moving all the cardio machines up there. The gym I go to is open 24 hours, but even if they were working around the clock you gotta figure that it's still gonna take a week or two to pull off a move of that size. Just goes to show how much I go. In fact, I go so infrequently that I didn't even know which way to hold my card in order to swipe in. For the record you swipe with the words Synergy facing you.
Once I was in and acclimated to the new surroundings I planned out my routine. Fifteen minutes later I was home. I must have ADD or something becasue I get so bored when I'm working out. Three machines and I'm out like a fat kid in dodgeball. With a routine that short the only thing that gets worked out are my eyes as I check out the eye candy in between doing curls with my 10 pound weights.
Occassinally I'll switch to a heavier weight, say 30 pounds, as I did today. But that was only because I saw somebody I knew and didn't want them to see how much weight I normally use.
The worst part about the whole gym experience is that I don't know what I'm doing and I wind up looking like one of those guys with disproportionate body parts. You know the guys with the huge shoulders and small heads. I usually just lift and work out my upper body and as such find myself with chicken legs and a chiseled abdomen.
Just kidding about the chiseled part. The truth is that I used to have a six pack but now I just have a keg. And the worst part is that I don't even drink.
Anyone who says that working out energizes them, doesn't know what they're talking about. It's exhausting. Those damn eliptical machines took a lot out of me. So, if you'll excuse me it's time for my afternoon nap.
Monday, July 11, 2005
You Couldn't Pay Me Enough.....
Over the weekend my cousin Kimberly asked me if I would be willing to help out her friend and watch her 5 year old son each day from about 2-6 pm after he got out of pre-school. Considering that I would be spending every morning learning about history for four hours I declined. I just couldn't imagine how much my summers would have sucked if I had to go to school in the morning and baby sit in the afternoon. When would I have gone to the beach? When would I have blogged or checked my fantasy baseball teams? When would I have had time to check jdate profiles?
It sounds selfish I know, but the real underlying reason for my refusal was that little kids and I don't get along. There must be something about me that makes kids react like my dog whenever Brian Malfettone comes over. The way that Rocky growls and barks at Brian is the way that kids react upon meeting me.
Case in point. I was playing stickball with Brian, Rob, and his brothers about two years ago and there was a little league practice letting out at about the same time. As the kids, probably 8-10 years old, were waiting to get picked up they decided it would be funny to heckle me. As such they proceeded to say that their grandmothers threw harder than me. It didn't help that Brian was telling them things to say to me.
Then maybe three years ago I met one of Brian Berkowicz's cousins. Supposedly he's the most well behaved kind of all time, but upon seeing me he immediately walked up to me and kicked me in the shin.
With incidents like those fresh in my memory it didn't take long for me to decline my cousin's offer. Sure I needed the money. But I'd much rather have my dignity.
It sounds selfish I know, but the real underlying reason for my refusal was that little kids and I don't get along. There must be something about me that makes kids react like my dog whenever Brian Malfettone comes over. The way that Rocky growls and barks at Brian is the way that kids react upon meeting me.
Case in point. I was playing stickball with Brian, Rob, and his brothers about two years ago and there was a little league practice letting out at about the same time. As the kids, probably 8-10 years old, were waiting to get picked up they decided it would be funny to heckle me. As such they proceeded to say that their grandmothers threw harder than me. It didn't help that Brian was telling them things to say to me.
Then maybe three years ago I met one of Brian Berkowicz's cousins. Supposedly he's the most well behaved kind of all time, but upon seeing me he immediately walked up to me and kicked me in the shin.
With incidents like those fresh in my memory it didn't take long for me to decline my cousin's offer. Sure I needed the money. But I'd much rather have my dignity.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Week in Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
If anyone's been watching the Beauty and the Geek then you know who Richard is. For those of you who don't he's the world's biggest nerd. Basically a cross between Urkel and Bill Gates. The pathetic thing is that bc of the show he has now kissed three girls. That's two more than me.
I started classes this week at Nassau CC. 4 straight hours of history every morning starting at 8 am. That has got to be the worst schedule of all time. Maybe the U.S. Government should get information out of detainees by having them sit in on my classes. I guarantee they'll be spilling their guts by 9:30.
It could be worse. My professor could talk like Fran Drescher. Instead he sounds like the voice over guy from Unsolved Mysteries.
Speaking of mysteries, did anybody notice the ghost in last week's episode of the Real World? When Danny was introducing his dad to everybody there's a guy looking at you head on in between them. A very creepy looking dude whose just standing there and not moving. Could have been someone's friend or a sound guy or something but it creeped me out.
Contrary to popular belief I do NOT intend to see Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants while it's in theatres. Once it comes out on video though is another story entirely.
Don't you think that, "Dancing with the Stars" should be renamed, "Dancing with People You May Have Heard Of"?
But that Kelly Monaco sure is hot.
What's up with the Backstreet Boys making a comeback. Isn't a comeback a little counterproductive when all of your fans are now in college?
Could somebody please explain to me why Mayor Bloomberg wanted to bring the Olympics to NYC in 2012? Weren't we already a big enough terrorist target without putting a big bullseye on our chest?
I felt like such a jack ass after incorrectly predicting that my softball game was gonna be rained out on Saturday. I was so confidant that the game was gonna be cancelled though. After all it was raining so hard on Friday that animals were getting paired off. But alas I was wrong.....again.
I had a great idea to create a movie based about a slow pitch softball league. Part Major League, part Baseketball, part Dodgeball, part Old School, part everything starring Owen Wilson, Ben Stiller, and or Vince Vaughn, it would have been off the meat hook. But it turns out that Artie Lang from the Howard Stern Show already has such a movie in production. I haven't been this disappointed since I found out that the Tooth Fairy wasn't real.
Here's my impersonation of Artie doing his wah routine from the Stern Show: Wah, somebody else cooler than me stole my idea. Wah, now I'm never gonna be famous. Wah, now my only hope of ever getting laid has been lost. Wah, I still live at home with my parents. Wah wah wah.
If anyone's been watching the Beauty and the Geek then you know who Richard is. For those of you who don't he's the world's biggest nerd. Basically a cross between Urkel and Bill Gates. The pathetic thing is that bc of the show he has now kissed three girls. That's two more than me.
I started classes this week at Nassau CC. 4 straight hours of history every morning starting at 8 am. That has got to be the worst schedule of all time. Maybe the U.S. Government should get information out of detainees by having them sit in on my classes. I guarantee they'll be spilling their guts by 9:30.
It could be worse. My professor could talk like Fran Drescher. Instead he sounds like the voice over guy from Unsolved Mysteries.
Speaking of mysteries, did anybody notice the ghost in last week's episode of the Real World? When Danny was introducing his dad to everybody there's a guy looking at you head on in between them. A very creepy looking dude whose just standing there and not moving. Could have been someone's friend or a sound guy or something but it creeped me out.
Contrary to popular belief I do NOT intend to see Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants while it's in theatres. Once it comes out on video though is another story entirely.
Don't you think that, "Dancing with the Stars" should be renamed, "Dancing with People You May Have Heard Of"?
But that Kelly Monaco sure is hot.
What's up with the Backstreet Boys making a comeback. Isn't a comeback a little counterproductive when all of your fans are now in college?
Could somebody please explain to me why Mayor Bloomberg wanted to bring the Olympics to NYC in 2012? Weren't we already a big enough terrorist target without putting a big bullseye on our chest?
I felt like such a jack ass after incorrectly predicting that my softball game was gonna be rained out on Saturday. I was so confidant that the game was gonna be cancelled though. After all it was raining so hard on Friday that animals were getting paired off. But alas I was wrong.....again.
I had a great idea to create a movie based about a slow pitch softball league. Part Major League, part Baseketball, part Dodgeball, part Old School, part everything starring Owen Wilson, Ben Stiller, and or Vince Vaughn, it would have been off the meat hook. But it turns out that Artie Lang from the Howard Stern Show already has such a movie in production. I haven't been this disappointed since I found out that the Tooth Fairy wasn't real.
Here's my impersonation of Artie doing his wah routine from the Stern Show: Wah, somebody else cooler than me stole my idea. Wah, now I'm never gonna be famous. Wah, now my only hope of ever getting laid has been lost. Wah, I still live at home with my parents. Wah wah wah.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Gamers Try To Lose; Fail
Jones Beach, NY - The Gamers were so confidant that they could beat the winless Hurricanes that they told star shortstop Rob "I can't wait to have kids so that I trade them in on the black market for speakers" Roll to stay home. The move almost back fired in game two, but the resilent Gamers scratched out a come from behind 10-9 victory to give them a two game sweep. The Gamers won the first game 18-10 and are now 11-1 as the second half of the season gets under way.
In the first game, the Gamers kept having to regain the lead after starting pitcher, Craig "walkathon" Shames kept giving it back. But they eventually exploded for 7 runs in the fourth inning and 6 more runs in the 6th inning to build a big enough lead that not even Shames could squander.
The two offensive explosions were feuled by Greg "Pimp Daddy" Roll who went 3 for 4 with 3 runs scored, "Hill" Billy Bezouska who went 3 for 4 with 3 runs scored and 2 rbis, Rob "she must have fallen down the stairs" Rathbun who went 4 for 4 with 4 runs scored and 3bi's, and Scotty "Growing up Goldy" Goldsmith who went 3 for 3 with 3 rbi's. Dave "I really wanna pants those old guys in the men's room" Kheel chipped in 5 rbis with 2 sacrifice flys and a 2 run homerun. All in all, the Gamers banged out 24 hits with the first six batters in the lineup, the aforementioned 5, plus Brian "I thought she was 18" Malfettone combining to go 16 for 20 with 13 runs scored.
In the second game, Gamers manager "Hill" Billy Bezouska benched starting pitcher Craig "walkathon" Shames in favor of the three headed monster of Peter Hon "Solo", Johnny "legs are for walking" Vasquez, and Dave "I really wanna pants those old guys in the men's room" Kheel. The three combined on a 27 hitter mixing in 18 walks en route to giving up 9 runs in the Gamers 10-9 win.
As a result of all the pitching changes, the Gamers had a very unusual defensive alignment with Shames, Kheel, and 1b Zac Nicholson all playing in the outfield at the same time for the first three innings. As such, regular outfielders Scott Goldsmith and Greg Roll were at 2b and 3b respectively with Johnny Vasquez, Billy Bezouska, and Craig Shames later all appearing at first base for a few innings. The position switches allowed the Gamers to prove their versatility and best of all several people now qualify at mutliple positions in the ABA Fantasy Softball League.
Offensively, Brian "I thought she was 18" Malfettone led the team with 3 rbi's including a 2 run home run, his first big fly of the year. Dave Roll who twisted his ankle near the end of the first game insisted on hitting as the dh in game two and amazingly went 2 for 3 with 2 rbi's.
But the big winners on the day were the kids. That's because prior to the game, all of the Gamers made pledges that they would give back to the community for each hit they got on the day. As a result, Craig Shames now has to bring 3 orphans with him to see Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, Brian Malfettone has to spend 3 hours with at risk teenage girls, and Johnny Vasquez has to spend one hour with war veterans who have loss the use of their legs.
In the first game, the Gamers kept having to regain the lead after starting pitcher, Craig "walkathon" Shames kept giving it back. But they eventually exploded for 7 runs in the fourth inning and 6 more runs in the 6th inning to build a big enough lead that not even Shames could squander.
The two offensive explosions were feuled by Greg "Pimp Daddy" Roll who went 3 for 4 with 3 runs scored, "Hill" Billy Bezouska who went 3 for 4 with 3 runs scored and 2 rbis, Rob "she must have fallen down the stairs" Rathbun who went 4 for 4 with 4 runs scored and 3bi's, and Scotty "Growing up Goldy" Goldsmith who went 3 for 3 with 3 rbi's. Dave "I really wanna pants those old guys in the men's room" Kheel chipped in 5 rbis with 2 sacrifice flys and a 2 run homerun. All in all, the Gamers banged out 24 hits with the first six batters in the lineup, the aforementioned 5, plus Brian "I thought she was 18" Malfettone combining to go 16 for 20 with 13 runs scored.
In the second game, Gamers manager "Hill" Billy Bezouska benched starting pitcher Craig "walkathon" Shames in favor of the three headed monster of Peter Hon "Solo", Johnny "legs are for walking" Vasquez, and Dave "I really wanna pants those old guys in the men's room" Kheel. The three combined on a 27 hitter mixing in 18 walks en route to giving up 9 runs in the Gamers 10-9 win.
As a result of all the pitching changes, the Gamers had a very unusual defensive alignment with Shames, Kheel, and 1b Zac Nicholson all playing in the outfield at the same time for the first three innings. As such, regular outfielders Scott Goldsmith and Greg Roll were at 2b and 3b respectively with Johnny Vasquez, Billy Bezouska, and Craig Shames later all appearing at first base for a few innings. The position switches allowed the Gamers to prove their versatility and best of all several people now qualify at mutliple positions in the ABA Fantasy Softball League.
Offensively, Brian "I thought she was 18" Malfettone led the team with 3 rbi's including a 2 run home run, his first big fly of the year. Dave Roll who twisted his ankle near the end of the first game insisted on hitting as the dh in game two and amazingly went 2 for 3 with 2 rbi's.
But the big winners on the day were the kids. That's because prior to the game, all of the Gamers made pledges that they would give back to the community for each hit they got on the day. As a result, Craig Shames now has to bring 3 orphans with him to see Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, Brian Malfettone has to spend 3 hours with at risk teenage girls, and Johnny Vasquez has to spend one hour with war veterans who have loss the use of their legs.
Random IM Convo
JJ31670: sup man
headcase524: chillaxing
JJ31670: can you not use that in a conversation with me ever again
headcase524: why not?
headcase524: its a combination of chillin and relaxing
headcase524: you dont like?
JJ31670: not really
headcase524: get over yourself
headcase524: its a cool saying
headcase524: get with the program
JJ31670: i'm not buying it
headcase524: good cause its not for sale
headcase524: its untouchable
JJ31670: like your virginity
headcase524: no thats for sale
headcase524: problem is no one wants to buy it
headcase524: chillaxing
JJ31670: can you not use that in a conversation with me ever again
headcase524: why not?
headcase524: its a combination of chillin and relaxing
headcase524: you dont like?
JJ31670: not really
headcase524: get over yourself
headcase524: its a cool saying
headcase524: get with the program
JJ31670: i'm not buying it
headcase524: good cause its not for sale
headcase524: its untouchable
JJ31670: like your virginity
headcase524: no thats for sale
headcase524: problem is no one wants to buy it
Friday, July 08, 2005
Craig: The College Years
A whole lot more entertaining than Saved by the Bell: The College Years. It was here that I learned a lot about myself, primarily that I can't fall asleep unless there's complete silence and that I don't like people who laugh uncontrolably while killing people in video games. Here are a few more memorable moments....
Freshman Year: Not wanting to repeat my wallflower lifestyle from high school, I spent the first few days going door to door and introducing myself to every single person in my dorm. Within 72 hours everyone knew who I was. The only problem was that they thought I was some kind of sketchy freak with nothing better to do than knock on people's doors.
Sophomore Year: Joined the Army ROTC to help pay for school. At the time their top recruiter, Captain Pistone, said that I would get to meet girls and travel the world. Three years later after not leaving Boston nor meeting any girls I quit.
Middler Year: No it's not a typo. I spent four years at Northeastern but never as a senior. Instead I was a middler my third year. Regardless of the nomanclature of my classification it was a good year as I became President of the Class Council Governing Board. For those of you who aren't fimilar with Class Council it basically means that I was the one who got to waste the next two years planning events that nobody would go to.
Junior Year: Burned out from Class Council I turned on the administration and helped out with www.nushuffle.com, a parody website that made fun of the infamous administrative runaround at NU. Height of my collegiate popularity but I was blacklisted around campus by administrators preventing me from running for Homecoming King or getting any letters of recommendation after graduation. On the bright side people actually thought I was funny.
Senior Year: Went on one last spring break road trip around the bible belt. Trip had some high points, getting a quadruple kiss, and some low points, falling off a mechancial bull. Afterwards, graduated early to get away from all the massholes who wanted to kick my ass for wearing a Yankees hat for all those years.
Freshman Year: Not wanting to repeat my wallflower lifestyle from high school, I spent the first few days going door to door and introducing myself to every single person in my dorm. Within 72 hours everyone knew who I was. The only problem was that they thought I was some kind of sketchy freak with nothing better to do than knock on people's doors.
Sophomore Year: Joined the Army ROTC to help pay for school. At the time their top recruiter, Captain Pistone, said that I would get to meet girls and travel the world. Three years later after not leaving Boston nor meeting any girls I quit.
Middler Year: No it's not a typo. I spent four years at Northeastern but never as a senior. Instead I was a middler my third year. Regardless of the nomanclature of my classification it was a good year as I became President of the Class Council Governing Board. For those of you who aren't fimilar with Class Council it basically means that I was the one who got to waste the next two years planning events that nobody would go to.
Junior Year: Burned out from Class Council I turned on the administration and helped out with www.nushuffle.com, a parody website that made fun of the infamous administrative runaround at NU. Height of my collegiate popularity but I was blacklisted around campus by administrators preventing me from running for Homecoming King or getting any letters of recommendation after graduation. On the bright side people actually thought I was funny.
Senior Year: Went on one last spring break road trip around the bible belt. Trip had some high points, getting a quadruple kiss, and some low points, falling off a mechancial bull. Afterwards, graduated early to get away from all the massholes who wanted to kick my ass for wearing a Yankees hat for all those years.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Craig: The Adolescent Years
Moving can be hard for any kid but moving right before the start of junior high was brutal. It was hard being shy and trying to make new friends which probably explains why I didn't have any. But that didn't stop me from acting like a headcase and living through some memorable moments. Here are some highlights from my time in Oceanside, which ironically isn't next to the Ocean.
7th Grade: Nobody knew my name so I answered to 'glasses' for the first six months. Eventually, I made a few friends and soon realized that was only because they needed one more person to make even teams in their after school football games. No joke, here are some of the things that my supposed junior high friends said about me in my yearbook....
Mike Marino said, "One day you'll be announcer for the next champion basketball team and
everyone will love you. (Yeah right)"
Brian Jones said, "Work on your game cause it, 'needs work'."
And Liz Rodriguez said, "Hopefeully we won't be in the same classes together next year."
I kid you not. Those were all real quotes. I think my spanish teacher may have said something nice about me but I can't read it because it's in spanish.
8th grade: I couldn't play an instrument or draw so I wound up having to take chorus to fulfill my arts requirement. Unlike American Pie, I don't use it to meet girls. Like everything else, I get made fun of. The worst part: They wanted to make me a soprano. Probably the most traumatizing experience of my whole life and believe me there have been quite a lot of them.
9th grade: Story of my life. I try out for the basketball team while wearing tennis shoes and on the first play of the first scrimmage on the first day, I sprain my growth plate and can't try out anymore. Lesson learned: Next time splurge the extra $20 for hightops. Other lesson learned: Stop thinking your athletic and stick to chess club.
10th grade: May have been around the time when I finally went through puberty. Although some people would argue that I still haven't. Other highlights include getting rejected by a girl who said that she didn't have time for a relationship...the next day she started dating someone else and becoming the manager of the baseball team.
11th grade: Became sports editor for the school newspaper, Sider Press. Even won a prestigious award from Newsday for sports reporting. I should't have though because I made up half of the quotes in my stories since I was afraid to talk to the athletes out of fear that they would stuff me in my locker like they always did.
12th grade: The height of my high school popularity as I shatter Brian Feldman's nose in three places, turning him into a human mummy, after he stalked my friend Lauren. A week later I started dating Katie. A month later nobody knew who I was again.
I then moved to Boston to attend Northeastern University where I...
7th Grade: Nobody knew my name so I answered to 'glasses' for the first six months. Eventually, I made a few friends and soon realized that was only because they needed one more person to make even teams in their after school football games. No joke, here are some of the things that my supposed junior high friends said about me in my yearbook....
Mike Marino said, "One day you'll be announcer for the next champion basketball team and
everyone will love you. (Yeah right)"
Brian Jones said, "Work on your game cause it, 'needs work'."
And Liz Rodriguez said, "Hopefeully we won't be in the same classes together next year."
I kid you not. Those were all real quotes. I think my spanish teacher may have said something nice about me but I can't read it because it's in spanish.
8th grade: I couldn't play an instrument or draw so I wound up having to take chorus to fulfill my arts requirement. Unlike American Pie, I don't use it to meet girls. Like everything else, I get made fun of. The worst part: They wanted to make me a soprano. Probably the most traumatizing experience of my whole life and believe me there have been quite a lot of them.
9th grade: Story of my life. I try out for the basketball team while wearing tennis shoes and on the first play of the first scrimmage on the first day, I sprain my growth plate and can't try out anymore. Lesson learned: Next time splurge the extra $20 for hightops. Other lesson learned: Stop thinking your athletic and stick to chess club.
10th grade: May have been around the time when I finally went through puberty. Although some people would argue that I still haven't. Other highlights include getting rejected by a girl who said that she didn't have time for a relationship...the next day she started dating someone else and becoming the manager of the baseball team.
11th grade: Became sports editor for the school newspaper, Sider Press. Even won a prestigious award from Newsday for sports reporting. I should't have though because I made up half of the quotes in my stories since I was afraid to talk to the athletes out of fear that they would stuff me in my locker like they always did.
12th grade: The height of my high school popularity as I shatter Brian Feldman's nose in three places, turning him into a human mummy, after he stalked my friend Lauren. A week later I started dating Katie. A month later nobody knew who I was again.
I then moved to Boston to attend Northeastern University where I...
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Craig: The Formative Years
After moving out of Brooklyn, we settled down in Baldwin on the South Shore of Long Island. It was here that a series of events traumatized me, turning me into the full fledged headcase that I am today. Here are some highlights from grades k-6.
Kindergarten: Paid off Seth Koslow in fruit snacks so that no bullies would mess with me. With Seth as my personal body guard I was king of the playground and had seven girlfriends.
First grade: I drank so much orange juice and ate so many carrots and orange peanut butter crackers that my skin actually turned orange. No joke. I actually went to the doctor, concerned that the old adage of, 'you are what you eat' would come true. I changed my diet and luckily my skin pigmentation reverted back to its natural form. I haven't ate peanut butter crackers since.
Second grade: As Jamie Fried reminded me of on Sunday, this was the year that I pronounced my love to Stacey Rothstein, giving her a mood ring amongst other inanimate objects that prove how much of a tool I was, even at 8 years old.
Third grade: The height of my elementary school popularity as I was president of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan club. Meetings were held during recess and consisted of us exchanging drawings and discussing our favorite episodes. Club lasted for 2 weeks before being disbanded in favor of a Duck Tales fan club.
Fourth grade: Was picked last in lunch time football despite the fact that one of my best friends, Brian Malfattone, was one of the captains. Incidents such as this one permanently scarred me for life, creating an inferiority complex worse than that of the Boston Red Sox.
Fifth grade: Regularly saw a speech therapist to help me separate the difference between soldier and shoulder. Having a speech impediment in elementary school was rough but at least the fact that I'm a virgin was actually socially acceptable at the time.
Sixth grade: Asked out Heather Rauch for 165 consecutive days and was rejected 165 times. This let to me holding a life time grudge against arch rival nemesis Andrew Prusack who wound up going with her to the school dance. To add injury to insult he later told my date, Michelle Green, that I planned on making a move at the dance resulting in Michelle dumping me before we even went. It woudn't be the first time that I would get dumped before actually going out with the person (see Sari Shulman in 8th grade), but it would be the last time that Andrew Prusack would mess with me. Our feud reached it's climax one day during recess when he threw a football at me, as hard as he could, from a foot away, which I caught and threw back at him in one of the smoothest moments of my life. I proceeded to rain haymakers on the side of his head which resulted in me getting called into the Principal's office for the first and only time in my life. She let me off the hook though because she didn't like Andrew either.
After sixth grade I moved to Oceanside, where I.....
Kindergarten: Paid off Seth Koslow in fruit snacks so that no bullies would mess with me. With Seth as my personal body guard I was king of the playground and had seven girlfriends.
First grade: I drank so much orange juice and ate so many carrots and orange peanut butter crackers that my skin actually turned orange. No joke. I actually went to the doctor, concerned that the old adage of, 'you are what you eat' would come true. I changed my diet and luckily my skin pigmentation reverted back to its natural form. I haven't ate peanut butter crackers since.
Second grade: As Jamie Fried reminded me of on Sunday, this was the year that I pronounced my love to Stacey Rothstein, giving her a mood ring amongst other inanimate objects that prove how much of a tool I was, even at 8 years old.
Third grade: The height of my elementary school popularity as I was president of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan club. Meetings were held during recess and consisted of us exchanging drawings and discussing our favorite episodes. Club lasted for 2 weeks before being disbanded in favor of a Duck Tales fan club.
Fourth grade: Was picked last in lunch time football despite the fact that one of my best friends, Brian Malfattone, was one of the captains. Incidents such as this one permanently scarred me for life, creating an inferiority complex worse than that of the Boston Red Sox.
Fifth grade: Regularly saw a speech therapist to help me separate the difference between soldier and shoulder. Having a speech impediment in elementary school was rough but at least the fact that I'm a virgin was actually socially acceptable at the time.
Sixth grade: Asked out Heather Rauch for 165 consecutive days and was rejected 165 times. This let to me holding a life time grudge against arch rival nemesis Andrew Prusack who wound up going with her to the school dance. To add injury to insult he later told my date, Michelle Green, that I planned on making a move at the dance resulting in Michelle dumping me before we even went. It woudn't be the first time that I would get dumped before actually going out with the person (see Sari Shulman in 8th grade), but it would be the last time that Andrew Prusack would mess with me. Our feud reached it's climax one day during recess when he threw a football at me, as hard as he could, from a foot away, which I caught and threw back at him in one of the smoothest moments of my life. I proceeded to rain haymakers on the side of his head which resulted in me getting called into the Principal's office for the first and only time in my life. She let me off the hook though because she didn't like Andrew either.
After sixth grade I moved to Oceanside, where I.....
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Craig: The Early Years
In honor of my return to school this summer to take three boring history classes, I have decided to give everyone a historical look at my life. You may be saying to yourself, what’s the point of that? One look and we can already tell that you’re a 12 year old in a 23 year old's body, whose unemployed, and still lives in his parent’s basement. What else is there to know? But there’s more to me than meets the eye.
So, all week long, I’ll be looking back at the good, the bad, and the ugly of the last 23 years. If you just met me or are someone other than my mother this should serve to fill you in on what you’ve missed.
We’ll start with the Early Years, birth to 3 years old which I spent in Brooklyn, NY.
Having been born in Brooklyn I lost all semblance of individuality since almost every single person in the free world is born in Brooklyn. Seriously if you took a survey of everyone in North America, I bet that 1 in 5 people would say that they were born in Brooklyn.
Other than giving birth to half of the world’s population, Brooklyn is also known for Coney Island as well as wine and cheese parties in Williamsburg. Not a very exciting place to grow up but I was too young to remember any of it anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.
It was in Brooklyn though where I learned how to walk and later run…away from criminals. In fact, growing up in Brooklyn may have subconsciously forged my first prejudices towards minorities. A trend that, according to Billy, continues to this very day whenever I play softball. (Just for the record I’m really not prejudiced. It just seems that way because I'm afraid to pitch to minorities.)
When I was three, I moved out of Brooklyn and to Baldwin, Long Island where I........
So, all week long, I’ll be looking back at the good, the bad, and the ugly of the last 23 years. If you just met me or are someone other than my mother this should serve to fill you in on what you’ve missed.
We’ll start with the Early Years, birth to 3 years old which I spent in Brooklyn, NY.
Having been born in Brooklyn I lost all semblance of individuality since almost every single person in the free world is born in Brooklyn. Seriously if you took a survey of everyone in North America, I bet that 1 in 5 people would say that they were born in Brooklyn.
Other than giving birth to half of the world’s population, Brooklyn is also known for Coney Island as well as wine and cheese parties in Williamsburg. Not a very exciting place to grow up but I was too young to remember any of it anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.
It was in Brooklyn though where I learned how to walk and later run…away from criminals. In fact, growing up in Brooklyn may have subconsciously forged my first prejudices towards minorities. A trend that, according to Billy, continues to this very day whenever I play softball. (Just for the record I’m really not prejudiced. It just seems that way because I'm afraid to pitch to minorities.)
When I was three, I moved out of Brooklyn and to Baldwin, Long Island where I........
Monday, July 04, 2005
Do You Remember When.......
On Sunday I ran into an old friend from elementary school, Jamie Fried. The first thing that Jamie says to me wasn't, 'hey, how are you?' or 'how's it going?' or 'how's it been?'. But rather the very first thing she says to me is, 'I remember the time in second grade when you gave Stacey Rothstein a mood ring.'
That would have been funny in of itself but later that same day, my mom was at my cousin's wedding and ran into Stacey's mom who said to my mom, "Stacey still remembers the time that Craig gave her a mood ring in second grade."
Whoa! What are the odds of me and my mom being told the exact same thing at the exact same time by different people in different locations? I must have really left an impression with that mood ring. So to all you second graders out there: the key to a girl's heart and to a lifetime of humiliation that you will never live down is giving her a mood ring. Remember that you heard it here first.
Later on, Jamie also told me that I looked exactly the same from the last time she saw me in sixth grade. In return, I said, 'um, you too.' What I meant to say, "no trust me, I'm a lot hairer now.'
Here are some other random thoughts from the weekend festivities.....
Why doesn't Russell Martello have his own reality show? We were hanging out in Billy's backyard on Saturday night, and afterwards while cleaning up, Billy hesitated to spill out his beers in his mom's vegetable garden. To which Russell replied, "it's okay Billy. It's been a long week, they deserve to have a little fun."
Isn't running into people you kind of know the most akward experience in the whole world? I was at the beach on Saturday and just a few people ahead of me were my cousins on Mark's side that I've only met a few times. I was in the akward position of having to say hello even though they probably wouldn't remember my name since I had only met them a few times. So, I picked my spot and went up to them when they were in the water, asking, 'so, how's the water?' They look over at me and said it's not too bad. Not recognizing me they slowly drifted away. It could have been the rip tide but I think it was them slowly moving away from the random freak who just asked them about the water.
Saturday night I went to a fireworks show at Eisenhower Park. They had some really cool fireworks in particular some that turned into hearts. It would have been romantic but I looked over to my right and Russell was picking bugs off his shirt and throwing them at Brian.
Friday night I saw the War of the Worlds. The science fiction movie with Tom Cruise in it and not the documentary about the red states versus the blue states in the last presidential election. I read that the amount of money it grossed for it's five day opening was the second largest sum ever. Which begs the question: why do they track movie sales by dollar amounts? With ticket prices going up every year, each movie that comes out is going to become the best selling ever. Shouldn't they instead track it by # of tickets sold?
I still can't get over how good the movie was. I told Billy that I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. To which he replied, "me too, but that was because I couldn't wait to leave."
Sunday night I went on a quadruple date with Jen Goldberg, Brian, Joanne, Billy, Kristen and drum roll please.....my long lost love, Heather Rauch and her boyfriend. After seeing Heather for the first time in 11 years, I'll either be able to finally move on with my life or have something else to obsess about for the next 11 years. Only time will tell.
At the bar on Sunday night I saw Rob's car which he has pimped out to include three tvs. His summer goal is to get at least 4 more in there, including two in the back of his car, facing outward, so that people that pull up behind him at a red light can watch and then also one in his gas tank lid so that he can watch tv while he pumps gas. Sure Rob has a cool car but he now has to live in it because he can't afford to pay rent anymore.
Looking at the bright side though he now has a great built in pick up line, "hey baby, do you want to come back and check out my five inch." On second thought, that's not such a great line. Accurate. But not great.
All in all, after seeing Jen Goldberg, Jamie Fried, Jason Mitnick, Heather Rauch and Andrew Prusack again on Sunday it has officially been dubbed Baldwin Reunion Day. Expect to find Russell wearing the official Baldwin Reunion Day t-shirt out to a bar in a few years.
That would have been funny in of itself but later that same day, my mom was at my cousin's wedding and ran into Stacey's mom who said to my mom, "Stacey still remembers the time that Craig gave her a mood ring in second grade."
Whoa! What are the odds of me and my mom being told the exact same thing at the exact same time by different people in different locations? I must have really left an impression with that mood ring. So to all you second graders out there: the key to a girl's heart and to a lifetime of humiliation that you will never live down is giving her a mood ring. Remember that you heard it here first.
Later on, Jamie also told me that I looked exactly the same from the last time she saw me in sixth grade. In return, I said, 'um, you too.' What I meant to say, "no trust me, I'm a lot hairer now.'
Here are some other random thoughts from the weekend festivities.....
Why doesn't Russell Martello have his own reality show? We were hanging out in Billy's backyard on Saturday night, and afterwards while cleaning up, Billy hesitated to spill out his beers in his mom's vegetable garden. To which Russell replied, "it's okay Billy. It's been a long week, they deserve to have a little fun."
Isn't running into people you kind of know the most akward experience in the whole world? I was at the beach on Saturday and just a few people ahead of me were my cousins on Mark's side that I've only met a few times. I was in the akward position of having to say hello even though they probably wouldn't remember my name since I had only met them a few times. So, I picked my spot and went up to them when they were in the water, asking, 'so, how's the water?' They look over at me and said it's not too bad. Not recognizing me they slowly drifted away. It could have been the rip tide but I think it was them slowly moving away from the random freak who just asked them about the water.
Saturday night I went to a fireworks show at Eisenhower Park. They had some really cool fireworks in particular some that turned into hearts. It would have been romantic but I looked over to my right and Russell was picking bugs off his shirt and throwing them at Brian.
Friday night I saw the War of the Worlds. The science fiction movie with Tom Cruise in it and not the documentary about the red states versus the blue states in the last presidential election. I read that the amount of money it grossed for it's five day opening was the second largest sum ever. Which begs the question: why do they track movie sales by dollar amounts? With ticket prices going up every year, each movie that comes out is going to become the best selling ever. Shouldn't they instead track it by # of tickets sold?
I still can't get over how good the movie was. I told Billy that I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. To which he replied, "me too, but that was because I couldn't wait to leave."
Sunday night I went on a quadruple date with Jen Goldberg, Brian, Joanne, Billy, Kristen and drum roll please.....my long lost love, Heather Rauch and her boyfriend. After seeing Heather for the first time in 11 years, I'll either be able to finally move on with my life or have something else to obsess about for the next 11 years. Only time will tell.
At the bar on Sunday night I saw Rob's car which he has pimped out to include three tvs. His summer goal is to get at least 4 more in there, including two in the back of his car, facing outward, so that people that pull up behind him at a red light can watch and then also one in his gas tank lid so that he can watch tv while he pumps gas. Sure Rob has a cool car but he now has to live in it because he can't afford to pay rent anymore.
Looking at the bright side though he now has a great built in pick up line, "hey baby, do you want to come back and check out my five inch." On second thought, that's not such a great line. Accurate. But not great.
All in all, after seeing Jen Goldberg, Jamie Fried, Jason Mitnick, Heather Rauch and Andrew Prusack again on Sunday it has officially been dubbed Baldwin Reunion Day. Expect to find Russell wearing the official Baldwin Reunion Day t-shirt out to a bar in a few years.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
My Mommy and Me
Today is my mom's birthday and to prove just how much of a momma's boy I am, here is a poem that I wrote for her birthday last year, entitled, "My Mommy and Me".
Once upon a time there was a woman named Shirley
Born and raised in New York this is who gave birth to me
That woud make her my mommy and for that I'm thankful
She's a strong, compassionate, caring person and that's no bull
I couldn't ask for a better mommy and I'm not just saying that
She's never done anything wrong, even if she did replace our cat
She's always been there for me no matter the situation
Her daily calls and 'nagging' is what got me through to graduation
She only wants what's best for me, which is why she let me quit the Army
From shopping at the Gap to sending care packages she's always thinking of me
She might not like everything about me, especially my hair
But she'll always be there to pay my train fare
I love her so much that's why I wrote this poem instead of sending a card
Working two jobs for all those years must have been very hard
I love my mom and wouldn't change anything about our relationship
I just wish she wouldn't call me Craigala in public, it's not very hip
We haven't gotten to see each other that much over the last few years
But I'll be moving back home soon so there's no need to shed any tears
From going to the beach to having a BBQ they'll be lots to do
We should get along great just so long as I don't have to pick up any dog dodo
All in all, I can't imagine what my life would be like without her
I'm just so glad that we're always going to be together
I like the things I have and the situation I'm in
I couldn't have asked for a better kin
That's because my mommy and me get along so great
Even if I am complaining about what I just ate
My mommy and me make a great team
Now stop crying and go make me some ice cream
*Happy Birthday Mom
Once upon a time there was a woman named Shirley
Born and raised in New York this is who gave birth to me
That woud make her my mommy and for that I'm thankful
She's a strong, compassionate, caring person and that's no bull
I couldn't ask for a better mommy and I'm not just saying that
She's never done anything wrong, even if she did replace our cat
She's always been there for me no matter the situation
Her daily calls and 'nagging' is what got me through to graduation
She only wants what's best for me, which is why she let me quit the Army
From shopping at the Gap to sending care packages she's always thinking of me
She might not like everything about me, especially my hair
But she'll always be there to pay my train fare
I love her so much that's why I wrote this poem instead of sending a card
Working two jobs for all those years must have been very hard
I love my mom and wouldn't change anything about our relationship
I just wish she wouldn't call me Craigala in public, it's not very hip
We haven't gotten to see each other that much over the last few years
But I'll be moving back home soon so there's no need to shed any tears
From going to the beach to having a BBQ they'll be lots to do
We should get along great just so long as I don't have to pick up any dog dodo
All in all, I can't imagine what my life would be like without her
I'm just so glad that we're always going to be together
I like the things I have and the situation I'm in
I couldn't have asked for a better kin
That's because my mommy and me get along so great
Even if I am complaining about what I just ate
My mommy and me make a great team
Now stop crying and go make me some ice cream
*Happy Birthday Mom
Saturday, July 02, 2005
A Movie About Me
Just got back from seeing my new favorite movie, the War of the Worlds. It was outstanding and I give it my highest recommendation. You have to go see this movie. Repeatively. And then you have to rent it and watch it again. And then buy it when it comes out on DVD. And then buy it again when a special commerative edition comes out. In 20 years, you'll have to buy the 20th anniversary edition as well. That's how good it is.
But as good as it was, it wasn't even the highlight of the night. The highlight occurred during the coming attractions when there was a preview for a movie with that guy from The Office.
It's called the 40 year old Virgin and if I didn't know any better I would say it was based on my life. Picture this. There's this guy whose 40 years old and still a virgin. He rides his bike everywhere, is a Kelly Clarkson fan, and has an insanely hairy chest. Honestly, if that's not me in 17 years, I don't know who is. I'm thinking about filing a lawsuit for gimmick infringement.
I will so be there on opening night. Maybe even in L.A. for the premiere. I might even go to London, Paris, or Rome for the European openings. But until then I must excuse myself. I have to go and do a thousand situps before I go to the beach tomorrow.
But as good as it was, it wasn't even the highlight of the night. The highlight occurred during the coming attractions when there was a preview for a movie with that guy from The Office.
It's called the 40 year old Virgin and if I didn't know any better I would say it was based on my life. Picture this. There's this guy whose 40 years old and still a virgin. He rides his bike everywhere, is a Kelly Clarkson fan, and has an insanely hairy chest. Honestly, if that's not me in 17 years, I don't know who is. I'm thinking about filing a lawsuit for gimmick infringement.
I will so be there on opening night. Maybe even in L.A. for the premiere. I might even go to London, Paris, or Rome for the European openings. But until then I must excuse myself. I have to go and do a thousand situps before I go to the beach tomorrow.
Friday, July 01, 2005
'Shames on You' Gets Launched
Everyone check out www.s39online.com, an online sports and entertainment magazine in the mold of Maxim, as my column, 'Shames on You: Where Sports Meets Cynicism' debuts today. Here's my latest article, entitled, "Do You Want Fries With That?"
Shame(s) on You, personal advisers and family friends of potential NBA players.
It was your advice and counsel that flooded the NBA draft earlier this week with prepubescent high school kids who didn't even get drafted! Let me repeat that in case you didnt' hear me the first time. THEY DIDN'T EVEN GET DRAFTED!
It's not like they got taken late in the first round. It's not like they fell to the second round. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRAFTED. Some of them probably weren't even on some team's draft boards. Weren't even being considered. Now, they'll be lucky to even get invited to training camp. Good going. Way to ruin the rest of their lives, you know nothing know it alls, with worse connections than my cell phone. Your actions are shameful, just absolutely shameful.
I think that you, the guy who recommended to President Bush that we go to war with Iraq, and the guy at Sony Pictures who thought that Gigli was a good idea, should all be locked in a room, so that we can throw away the key and be done with you ass clowns.
But chances are that's never going to happen. Come next year you'll be up to your old tricks again, misinforming somebody else, projecting them higher than they realistically have a shot of going. But why stop there? I'm sure the year after that you'll do it again. And the year after that. And the year after that. And for what? For your measly 5%? So that you can get yourself a free escalade?
You should be ashamed of yourself. You were supposed to have their best interests in mind. Not your own. Now you've lost your meal ticket. Now it's back to living off of your parents. And the worst part is that it didn't have to be this way. After all, this was supposed to be a free year.
With the new collective bargaining agreement taking effective on July 1st, incoming players will now have to be 19 years old before they can be drafted. That means that next year's draft will be incredibly thin since there won't be 10-20 high schoolers flooding it again. So, if you were projected to be a last first round pick or even a second rounder there was absolutely no reason to come out this year. You had a free pass. You should have stayed in school for another year, banged the cheerleading squad, polished your game, improved your draft status, and then come out as a lottery pick next year.
Case in point, Kentucky freshman forward, Randolph Morris, who averaged 9 points per game last year. He could have gone back to Tubby Smith in Lexington, been on a very good Wildcats team, with a chance to win it all and then come out next year. (I say chance to win it all because every year that Kentucky wins it all, [1996 and 2000 for example] the Yankees win the World Series and with the way they're playing I don't see that happening, which means no national championship for Kentucky). Nonetheless, Morris could have been on a Final Four team and been a top ten pick next year.
Now, he's got nothing going for him unless he can cash in on his new found fame and fortune as a cautionary tale and go on a public speaking tour to tell kids to stay in school. Otherwise it's burger flipping time.
And while I enjoy a burger as much as the next guy, I prefer to have mine flipped by high school dropouts, immigrants, and senior citizens and not by the Randolph Morris' of the world. So, to all you wanna be sports agents out there, the next time someone tears it up in the McDonald's All Star Classic and asks you if they should come out early, please do us all a favor, and say, "son, I think you should stay in school. That way you can dish out assists and not McFlurry's. Clean the glass and not the floor. Fill the basket and not some 32 oz. cup."
Until then, Shame(s) on You.
Shame(s) on You, personal advisers and family friends of potential NBA players.
It was your advice and counsel that flooded the NBA draft earlier this week with prepubescent high school kids who didn't even get drafted! Let me repeat that in case you didnt' hear me the first time. THEY DIDN'T EVEN GET DRAFTED!
It's not like they got taken late in the first round. It's not like they fell to the second round. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRAFTED. Some of them probably weren't even on some team's draft boards. Weren't even being considered. Now, they'll be lucky to even get invited to training camp. Good going. Way to ruin the rest of their lives, you know nothing know it alls, with worse connections than my cell phone. Your actions are shameful, just absolutely shameful.
I think that you, the guy who recommended to President Bush that we go to war with Iraq, and the guy at Sony Pictures who thought that Gigli was a good idea, should all be locked in a room, so that we can throw away the key and be done with you ass clowns.
But chances are that's never going to happen. Come next year you'll be up to your old tricks again, misinforming somebody else, projecting them higher than they realistically have a shot of going. But why stop there? I'm sure the year after that you'll do it again. And the year after that. And the year after that. And for what? For your measly 5%? So that you can get yourself a free escalade?
You should be ashamed of yourself. You were supposed to have their best interests in mind. Not your own. Now you've lost your meal ticket. Now it's back to living off of your parents. And the worst part is that it didn't have to be this way. After all, this was supposed to be a free year.
With the new collective bargaining agreement taking effective on July 1st, incoming players will now have to be 19 years old before they can be drafted. That means that next year's draft will be incredibly thin since there won't be 10-20 high schoolers flooding it again. So, if you were projected to be a last first round pick or even a second rounder there was absolutely no reason to come out this year. You had a free pass. You should have stayed in school for another year, banged the cheerleading squad, polished your game, improved your draft status, and then come out as a lottery pick next year.
Case in point, Kentucky freshman forward, Randolph Morris, who averaged 9 points per game last year. He could have gone back to Tubby Smith in Lexington, been on a very good Wildcats team, with a chance to win it all and then come out next year. (I say chance to win it all because every year that Kentucky wins it all, [1996 and 2000 for example] the Yankees win the World Series and with the way they're playing I don't see that happening, which means no national championship for Kentucky). Nonetheless, Morris could have been on a Final Four team and been a top ten pick next year.
Now, he's got nothing going for him unless he can cash in on his new found fame and fortune as a cautionary tale and go on a public speaking tour to tell kids to stay in school. Otherwise it's burger flipping time.
And while I enjoy a burger as much as the next guy, I prefer to have mine flipped by high school dropouts, immigrants, and senior citizens and not by the Randolph Morris' of the world. So, to all you wanna be sports agents out there, the next time someone tears it up in the McDonald's All Star Classic and asks you if they should come out early, please do us all a favor, and say, "son, I think you should stay in school. That way you can dish out assists and not McFlurry's. Clean the glass and not the floor. Fill the basket and not some 32 oz. cup."
Until then, Shame(s) on You.
The Weekend to End all Weekends
I usually don't like to give play by play recaps of where I'm going or what I'm doing. That's why my chillaxing away message is more played out than an Avril Lavigne song on Z100. But this weekend I'm gonna have to make an exception because it's gonna be more action packed than a John Woo film. (Wow, I think I use more analogies than the College Board when administering the old Sats. Oops, there was another one. My bad.)
Friday night the festivities will get kicked off with a showing of, 'War of the Worlds', as I show my support to fellow scientologist, Tom Cruise. (It's okay Tom. Just because you fired your publicist, decided to marry Katie Holmes after only 9 weeks, jumped up and down on Oprah's chair, and snapped at Matt Laurer doesn't mean your crazy. Deciding to do the 'Minority Report', well, that's another story.)
Saturday will likely find us at the beach, where I will clear a spot for us to sit down by taking off my shirt. Once settled, we'll probably make our way into the ocean, where after 5 seconds, I will come out because it'll either be too cold, too seaweedy, or too shelly. Saturday night looks like it'll bring a Gucci fireworks show at Eisenhower Park.
Sunday is my mom's birthday so to celebrate I'm sure she won't mind if I gamble away my summer school tuition money at Atlantic City. The trip is doubtful but a game of Texas Hold 'Em may be in the cards. (Get it? In the cards. Haha.)
Monday will likely bring a softball home run derby, which I'll be in even though I've never hit one. Following the game will be a BBQ, followed up by some more fireworks.
All in all, it should be an action packed weekend. At the very least, it'll top last week's which consisted of a Gilmore Girls Marathon on ABC family and little else.
Friday night the festivities will get kicked off with a showing of, 'War of the Worlds', as I show my support to fellow scientologist, Tom Cruise. (It's okay Tom. Just because you fired your publicist, decided to marry Katie Holmes after only 9 weeks, jumped up and down on Oprah's chair, and snapped at Matt Laurer doesn't mean your crazy. Deciding to do the 'Minority Report', well, that's another story.)
Saturday will likely find us at the beach, where I will clear a spot for us to sit down by taking off my shirt. Once settled, we'll probably make our way into the ocean, where after 5 seconds, I will come out because it'll either be too cold, too seaweedy, or too shelly. Saturday night looks like it'll bring a Gucci fireworks show at Eisenhower Park.
Sunday is my mom's birthday so to celebrate I'm sure she won't mind if I gamble away my summer school tuition money at Atlantic City. The trip is doubtful but a game of Texas Hold 'Em may be in the cards. (Get it? In the cards. Haha.)
Monday will likely bring a softball home run derby, which I'll be in even though I've never hit one. Following the game will be a BBQ, followed up by some more fireworks.
All in all, it should be an action packed weekend. At the very least, it'll top last week's which consisted of a Gilmore Girls Marathon on ABC family and little else.
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