You Know Your Brian Berkowicz If.....

Adopted from the 'You Know Your Craig Shames If" post on Brian Malfettone's page, www.malfsmouth.blogspot.com, here's 'You Know Your Brian Berkowicz If" in honor of Brian's visit this weekend. Enjoy:

You get invited to a Caveman and Cavegirl party but are told to come as yourself.

You carry around the Yellow Pages instead of a little black book.

You have to bring a translator with you into the bed room.

You think ordering a double bacon cheeseburger without ketchup constitutes a diet.

You are constantly beating up people for saying that your sister is hot.

You refer to yourself as JJ even though nobody knows why.

You shave and five hours later have to shave again.

You have been the three b's: a bartender, a bouncer, and a backup football player.

You haven't met a gym that you didn't like.

You do standup comedy once and think you deserve your own HBO comedy special.

You have a man crush on Flex Wheeler.

You impersonation of a gay man sounds a lot like Al Pacino in Scarface.

Your entire wardrobe consists of wife beaters and t-shirts that are two sizes too small.

You have bigger boobs than Calista Flockhart.

You are only interested in girls that have at least two kids or are at least 35 years old.

You mention Jason Marquis at least once every five minutes.