Well, Summer has come and gone and that can only mean one thing. Time for another exciting issue of everyone's favorite blog!!! Unfortunately my laziness has reached new heights and for the first time in the history of the blog I won't have a girlfriend of the week/month. Not yet at least.
In order to keep the streak alive let's just call this issue #5, part one. Eventually, I'll bring myself to finishing it by adding in the girlfriend of the month feature as well as a few other articles. But for now I have three articles to release to the masses including my rant about cell phones that I think you're going to like.
Enjoy. And if anyone has suggestions on who they want to see as the girlfriend of the month let me know.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
From A to Z
Here's a look at all the things causing my insomnia:
America's Best Dance Crew is the greatest show on tv and I'm not afraid to admit it.
Bob Saget. You know Comedy Central is desperate when they decide to roast Bob Saget. Still was hilarious though. The line of the night belongs to Jeffrey Ross (see, D) who said that Full House should have been renamed BlackJack because Saget starting hitting on the Olsen Twins when they turned 8 and didn't stop until they were 21.
Californication!!!!! Any show that can make David Duchovny seem cool deserves an Emmy.
Dancing with the Stars just announced their new cast. And the World'd Greatest Comedian Jeffrey Ross is in it. Doesn't get much better than that.
Eagle Eye. The greatest movie of all time. You heard it here first.
Fringe. Anything made by JJ Abrams is worth checking out. Cloverfield aside.
Generation Kill. Think Band of Brothers during the war in Iraq. Too bad it's seven episode run is already over.
Heroes. Villains. Still watching.
Investing. As in the $760 that I just "invested" in the fantasy football season. Anyone want to invest in clinical help for me??!
Jdate. Still hate it.
Knicks. Still suck.
Lost! Where are you? Come back!
McCain. If he wins I'm moving to Canada. Or at least Hoboken.
NFL Predictions. Cowboys over the Patriots in the Superbowl.
Olympics are finally over!!! Woo hoo!!! Now I can go back to watching reality tv!
Phelps, Michael. Greatest Olympian ever? Greatest Athlete ever?
Que Pasa?
Rays of Tampa. They deserve a lot of credit for continuing to win in spite of injuries to two of their best players in Carl Crawford and Evan Longoria. Far cry from the Yankees who bitch about losing because of their insignificant injuries.
Summer's almost over! Holy shit where did it go?
The Dark Night. I haven't seen a movie with that many endings since True Lies. Still very good though. Or is that just all the hype talking?
Umbrellas. If I see one more person using an oversized umbrella that takes up the whole width of the sidewalk I'm going to snap.
Visit to Cooperstown this coming weekend - stay tuned for all the details.
Watercube. Quite possibly the coolest sporting venue in the entire world. Apologies to Shea Stadium.
Xavier Nady. Newest Yankee makes the blog because I needed something with an X to talk about. Could really care less about him though.
Yankees - I haven't seen a bigger waste of space since the last time I looked in the mirror. Shame to end Yankee Stadium like this.
Zzzz- is anyone still reading this?
America's Best Dance Crew is the greatest show on tv and I'm not afraid to admit it.
Bob Saget. You know Comedy Central is desperate when they decide to roast Bob Saget. Still was hilarious though. The line of the night belongs to Jeffrey Ross (see, D) who said that Full House should have been renamed BlackJack because Saget starting hitting on the Olsen Twins when they turned 8 and didn't stop until they were 21.
Californication!!!!! Any show that can make David Duchovny seem cool deserves an Emmy.
Dancing with the Stars just announced their new cast. And the World'd Greatest Comedian Jeffrey Ross is in it. Doesn't get much better than that.
Eagle Eye. The greatest movie of all time. You heard it here first.
Fringe. Anything made by JJ Abrams is worth checking out. Cloverfield aside.
Generation Kill. Think Band of Brothers during the war in Iraq. Too bad it's seven episode run is already over.
Heroes. Villains. Still watching.
Investing. As in the $760 that I just "invested" in the fantasy football season. Anyone want to invest in clinical help for me??!
Jdate. Still hate it.
Knicks. Still suck.
Lost! Where are you? Come back!
McCain. If he wins I'm moving to Canada. Or at least Hoboken.
NFL Predictions. Cowboys over the Patriots in the Superbowl.
Olympics are finally over!!! Woo hoo!!! Now I can go back to watching reality tv!
Phelps, Michael. Greatest Olympian ever? Greatest Athlete ever?
Que Pasa?
Rays of Tampa. They deserve a lot of credit for continuing to win in spite of injuries to two of their best players in Carl Crawford and Evan Longoria. Far cry from the Yankees who bitch about losing because of their insignificant injuries.
Summer's almost over! Holy shit where did it go?
The Dark Night. I haven't seen a movie with that many endings since True Lies. Still very good though. Or is that just all the hype talking?
Umbrellas. If I see one more person using an oversized umbrella that takes up the whole width of the sidewalk I'm going to snap.
Visit to Cooperstown this coming weekend - stay tuned for all the details.
Watercube. Quite possibly the coolest sporting venue in the entire world. Apologies to Shea Stadium.
Xavier Nady. Newest Yankee makes the blog because I needed something with an X to talk about. Could really care less about him though.
Yankees - I haven't seen a bigger waste of space since the last time I looked in the mirror. Shame to end Yankee Stadium like this.
Zzzz- is anyone still reading this?
The Real Olympics
Michael Phelps swam. Usain Bolt ran. The redeem team found redemption. The men's volleyball team triumphed over tragedy. And in between, amongst the Tibetian protestors and communist supporters, under the watchful eye of the entire world, amidst age altering allegations and suspicions of steriod use, athletes competed, medals were won, and world domination was acheived. Yada, yada, yada. Who really cares other than the executives at NBC who sat on a cash cow for 2 weeks? Not me, that's for sure.
The Olympics are a lot like the really hot, high maintenance, superficial girl in the corner of the bar. Sure she looks really good and saying that you got with her would make all of your friends envious but is it ultimately worth going through all the trouble? Three weeks ago no one had even heard of Shawn Johnson and two years from now no one is going to remember who the hell she is.
But there's a solution out there. Make the Olympics more relatable to the common man. Why force feed us a mundane event like ping pong when you can set up a beer pong tournament? Marathoning? Boring!!! Instead introduce Olympic power walking. Olympians start out at the entrance to a subway station located one mile away from their office and have to make it there in under ten minutes without running and without bumping into any pedestrians.
Rowing? No thanks. I'd rather watch subway surfing in which participants have to retain their balance on the express train without holding onto anything. Degree of difficulty points added on for completing the New York Times crossword puzzle.
And while we're at it can we please add in competive eating events. No one is going to sit by their tv on a beautiful summer night and watch the uneven bars but I'm willing to bet that millions of people would pass up a stroll on the board walk to watch a bunch of fat guys eat. I can picture it now. Ten fat guys walk into an all you can eat buffet. One man waddles out with a gold medal and unparaleled pride. The other 9 walk out with a fortune cookie and roll of toilet paper. Now that's must see tv.
The Olympics are a lot like the really hot, high maintenance, superficial girl in the corner of the bar. Sure she looks really good and saying that you got with her would make all of your friends envious but is it ultimately worth going through all the trouble? Three weeks ago no one had even heard of Shawn Johnson and two years from now no one is going to remember who the hell she is.
But there's a solution out there. Make the Olympics more relatable to the common man. Why force feed us a mundane event like ping pong when you can set up a beer pong tournament? Marathoning? Boring!!! Instead introduce Olympic power walking. Olympians start out at the entrance to a subway station located one mile away from their office and have to make it there in under ten minutes without running and without bumping into any pedestrians.
Rowing? No thanks. I'd rather watch subway surfing in which participants have to retain their balance on the express train without holding onto anything. Degree of difficulty points added on for completing the New York Times crossword puzzle.
And while we're at it can we please add in competive eating events. No one is going to sit by their tv on a beautiful summer night and watch the uneven bars but I'm willing to bet that millions of people would pass up a stroll on the board walk to watch a bunch of fat guys eat. I can picture it now. Ten fat guys walk into an all you can eat buffet. One man waddles out with a gold medal and unparaleled pride. The other 9 walk out with a fortune cookie and roll of toilet paper. Now that's must see tv.
Shame(s) on You: Obessive Cell Phone Checkers
You've got mail. And it says that you're a douchebag.
That's right I'm talking about you Mr. Compulsive Cell Phone Checker Guy. And you Mrs. Oh My God I Just Have To Check My Phone Every Five Minutes Or I'm Gonna Like Die.
Get over yourselves. You're not that important. In fact, you're about as useful as NATO during an international conflict. You like to give off the appearance that you're important. But when it comes down to it no one gives a shit. So just stop checking your cell phone or PDA every two minutes. I promise you that you that your $2.78 Ebay bid for that Hannah Montana action figure will still be there when you get back home.
Now, I'll admit that I have an obsessive personality. I can't sleep the night before a softball game, I google myself at least once a week, I think that I actually have a shot with Brittany Snow, and I think constantly about my fantasy teams including to the point where I said to myself during my car accident "oh no, if I die whose going to check my fantasy baseball team?" And yet not even I am at the point where I check my phone every five minutes. Just every seven minutes. Which is clearly a reasonable amount of time. Everyone else on the other hand is going way overboard.
For example, here's a look at a few people obsessed with checking their phones:
Garbage man hanging onto the back of the truck with one hand presumably while checking myspace pictures of his weekend trip to the Jersey Shore.
Cashier at Taco Bell setting up a late night booty call instead of helping customers. I know that Taco Bell is at the bottom of the fast food totem poll but I expected more even from them.
Girl, not more than 9 years old, checking her phone while riding her bike. Most likely to set up a date later that night with a 43 year old man from Myspace.
Business woman in the elevator at work who missed her floor because she was busy looking at her phone. Presumably she spent half her lunch break just riding up and down in the elevator.
And the most egregious example of all. A guy sitting on a train station bench with two girls lying across his lap, one on each side of him, and instead of doing what any normal guy would do, he paid no attention to them, and instead checked his phone.
When I went to the Mets game last weekend I half expected to see Mets' shortstop Jose Reyes field ground balls while talking on this phone, something that I've personally seen the World's greatest softball player Rob Roll, do with relative ease.
But that's besides the point. The point is that you're all a bunch of annoying douchebags. I long for the days when I could take a dump in a public restroom and not hear the person next to me furiously typing away on their blackberry. I'd much rather hear them get rid of the chili they just had for lunch.
Can you hear me now? Biatches.
That's right I'm talking about you Mr. Compulsive Cell Phone Checker Guy. And you Mrs. Oh My God I Just Have To Check My Phone Every Five Minutes Or I'm Gonna Like Die.
Get over yourselves. You're not that important. In fact, you're about as useful as NATO during an international conflict. You like to give off the appearance that you're important. But when it comes down to it no one gives a shit. So just stop checking your cell phone or PDA every two minutes. I promise you that you that your $2.78 Ebay bid for that Hannah Montana action figure will still be there when you get back home.
Now, I'll admit that I have an obsessive personality. I can't sleep the night before a softball game, I google myself at least once a week, I think that I actually have a shot with Brittany Snow, and I think constantly about my fantasy teams including to the point where I said to myself during my car accident "oh no, if I die whose going to check my fantasy baseball team?" And yet not even I am at the point where I check my phone every five minutes. Just every seven minutes. Which is clearly a reasonable amount of time. Everyone else on the other hand is going way overboard.
For example, here's a look at a few people obsessed with checking their phones:
Garbage man hanging onto the back of the truck with one hand presumably while checking myspace pictures of his weekend trip to the Jersey Shore.
Cashier at Taco Bell setting up a late night booty call instead of helping customers. I know that Taco Bell is at the bottom of the fast food totem poll but I expected more even from them.
Girl, not more than 9 years old, checking her phone while riding her bike. Most likely to set up a date later that night with a 43 year old man from Myspace.
Business woman in the elevator at work who missed her floor because she was busy looking at her phone. Presumably she spent half her lunch break just riding up and down in the elevator.
And the most egregious example of all. A guy sitting on a train station bench with two girls lying across his lap, one on each side of him, and instead of doing what any normal guy would do, he paid no attention to them, and instead checked his phone.
When I went to the Mets game last weekend I half expected to see Mets' shortstop Jose Reyes field ground balls while talking on this phone, something that I've personally seen the World's greatest softball player Rob Roll, do with relative ease.
But that's besides the point. The point is that you're all a bunch of annoying douchebags. I long for the days when I could take a dump in a public restroom and not hear the person next to me furiously typing away on their blackberry. I'd much rather hear them get rid of the chili they just had for lunch.
Can you hear me now? Biatches.
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
I hate in when someone names their kid after them. Don't they know they are sending their kid into a future destined with thousands of mail mixups and social security screw ups? If they hate their kid that much they should just name them after inanimate objects or pieces of fruit. Oh wait they're doing that too.
I recently thought about joining eharmony but never went through with it because I couldn't get through their screening questionaire. I think thats how they should pair people up though. Get everyone who was too lazy to even finish the questionaire and start making matches out of those people!
I'm thinking about deleting my myspace account and making a new one just so that I can become one of those cool new people.
Having the tivo like ability to rewind something that you missed and watch it again is such a luxury. How great would it be if you could do that in real life.? The other day I got into the elevator at work and just missed what I thought was an interesting tidbit on the elevator entertainment screen. I was so interested in reading that tidbit that I just stayed on the elevator until the messages on the screen started to repeat themselves!! But if there was tivo for real life I could have avoided having to do that!!!
Last weekend my friend Rob said, "Yo, I haven't been done there in a minute." To him that meant he hadn't been there in a while. To me it meant that he was just there. When did the word "minute" come to mean a long time? Isn't a minute a short period of time? Pop culture makes no sense.
How come milk has a different sell by date if sold in NYC than if sold on Long Island? If I buy a carton of milk on Long Island and bring it into NYC will it turn bad sooner?I hate in when someone names their kid after them. Don't they know they are sending their kid into a future destined with thousands of mail mixups and social security screw ups? If they hate their kid that much they should just name them after inanimate objects or pieces of fruit. Oh wait they're doing that too.
I recently thought about joining eharmony but never went through with it because I couldn't get through their screening questionaire. I think thats how they should pair people up though. Get everyone who was too lazy to even finish the questionaire and start making matches out of those people!
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