As my first month on blogspot winds down I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of my supporters who regularly check in and read what I have to say. So to all six of you, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
Special thanks goes out to the mastermind behind my success, Michael Salvo, who first suggested blogging as a way to stick it to the man at NU. And to my sister, Melanie, who introducted me to this website and launched my career as a satirist.
I've had a lot of fun this month writing parody articles about my softball team, and joking about the merits of being unemployed. There's a lot more still to come though such as my 'Shame(s) on U' editorials, excerpts from my 'Ruminations on College Recruiting Life', and some of my world famous 'Craig's Lists'.
So stay tuned, the best is yet to come.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
Summer Preview
Memorial day is here, which means the official start to the summer is here as well. The summer is definitely my favorite season of the year. No more shoveling snow, stepping in puddles, or catching a cold every three weeks. For the next three months it's all about the three b's: BBQ's, beaches, and ball playing. That's stickball, wiffleball, softball, and basketball all you perverts out there.
This summer I will actually be hitting up the beach with people my age as I look to venture to Lido West and other hot spots. That's because my family decided not to keep our cabana at Nickerson Beach. We won't have a pool to swim in but I think it's for the best since the majority of beach goers there are still potty training, most of the time in the pool.
I doubt I will muster up the courage to hit up the nude beach at Jones Beach but I may find it in me to finally shave off the 'patch'. Either way, I have a feeling it's going to be a good summer, one that hopefully will result in me finding a new job, a girlfriend, or a way to strike out Billy in wiffleball.
This summer I will actually be hitting up the beach with people my age as I look to venture to Lido West and other hot spots. That's because my family decided not to keep our cabana at Nickerson Beach. We won't have a pool to swim in but I think it's for the best since the majority of beach goers there are still potty training, most of the time in the pool.
I doubt I will muster up the courage to hit up the nude beach at Jones Beach but I may find it in me to finally shave off the 'patch'. Either way, I have a feeling it's going to be a good summer, one that hopefully will result in me finding a new job, a girlfriend, or a way to strike out Billy in wiffleball.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Happy Birthday Katie
Another day, another birthday here in the month of May. I'm running out of things to say about birthdays having already bored everyone to death with my rant on how it really should be called labor day. But I'll never run out of nice things to say about today's birthday girl, Katie Pamela Jacobson.
Today, Katie turns 22 which is really anti-climatic since last year she became old enough to go to bars and this year she is old enough to do absolutely nothing different than last year. At least she's a year closer to being able to rent a car, the last birthday huddle she has yet to clear.
Regardless, I'm sure she's out and about celebrating all over the big city. Katie who some say resembles Carrie from Sex and the City is sure to make a killing tonight. Early odds from my bookie in Vegas suggest that Katie may wind up getting anywhere from 5-10 numbers tonight.
The over/under on the number of compliments she is going to get on her curly hair remains at 7. I'll take the over.
Today, Katie turns 22 which is really anti-climatic since last year she became old enough to go to bars and this year she is old enough to do absolutely nothing different than last year. At least she's a year closer to being able to rent a car, the last birthday huddle she has yet to clear.
Regardless, I'm sure she's out and about celebrating all over the big city. Katie who some say resembles Carrie from Sex and the City is sure to make a killing tonight. Early odds from my bookie in Vegas suggest that Katie may wind up getting anywhere from 5-10 numbers tonight.
The over/under on the number of compliments she is going to get on her curly hair remains at 7. I'll take the over.
How do the Yankees Suck?
You knew it was inevitable as soon as I created this blog. At some point there would be a post about Red Sox fans or rather Yankee haters. Your probably just surprised it took me this long. But the truth is that I just wanted to wait for the two teams to play again, and this Memorial weekend I finally get to bring out all my Yankees-Red Sox ammunition.
And I'll start with the all too familar chant of "Yankees Suck, Yankees Suck". It's an oxy moron really. How can a team that has won 26 world championships suck? They don't suck. They are actually very good. Which is why that chant bothers me so much. If you're going to waste your time trashing the other team rather than cheer for your own team, you might as well be accurate with your chanting. Which is why chants like "waste of money" or "overrated" would be more fitting.
What's worse is that this chant does not just occur at baseball games but almost everywhere really. I've heard it at collegiate hockey games, in stairwells during a fire drill, and even during the Boston Marathon.
That last instance is what inspired me to do a stand up routine in Boston about the chant and how at the Boston marathon, 'Yankees Suck' shouldn't be chanted but rather 'Kenyans Suck' since they are the ones that win every year. That comment, not only started a 'Craig Sucks' chant but also led to my retirement from stand up comedy.
Oh well. I may not be funny but at least the team I root for doesn't suck. No really they don't. They win all the time. How can they possibly suck?
And I'll start with the all too familar chant of "Yankees Suck, Yankees Suck". It's an oxy moron really. How can a team that has won 26 world championships suck? They don't suck. They are actually very good. Which is why that chant bothers me so much. If you're going to waste your time trashing the other team rather than cheer for your own team, you might as well be accurate with your chanting. Which is why chants like "waste of money" or "overrated" would be more fitting.
What's worse is that this chant does not just occur at baseball games but almost everywhere really. I've heard it at collegiate hockey games, in stairwells during a fire drill, and even during the Boston Marathon.
That last instance is what inspired me to do a stand up routine in Boston about the chant and how at the Boston marathon, 'Yankees Suck' shouldn't be chanted but rather 'Kenyans Suck' since they are the ones that win every year. That comment, not only started a 'Craig Sucks' chant but also led to my retirement from stand up comedy.
Oh well. I may not be funny but at least the team I root for doesn't suck. No really they don't. They win all the time. How can they possibly suck?
Saturday, May 28, 2005
The Chronicles of Craig
So yesterday I woke up at 2 am in exucriating pain. After making an emergency trip to the Dentist it turns out that I have sinusitis, which I think is Latin for 'let's ruin Craig's memorial weekend".
For those of you who don't know sinusitis is a build up of fluid in the naval cavity that often leads to stuffy noses, tooth aches, and face swelling. My friend Brian has it chronically but I'm sure that I'll complain more about mine this weekend than he has about his in his whole life.
The dentist said that lying down affects it because it allows the fluid to rush into the cavity. So perhaps the fact that I'm asleep and lying down more than half the time over the last three weeks, actually caused my sinusitis?!!?
Who knows, but at any rate it hurts like a mofu so I'm going to go o.d. on my painkillers.
Stay tuned for more Chronicles of Craig, coming soon.....
For those of you who don't know sinusitis is a build up of fluid in the naval cavity that often leads to stuffy noses, tooth aches, and face swelling. My friend Brian has it chronically but I'm sure that I'll complain more about mine this weekend than he has about his in his whole life.
The dentist said that lying down affects it because it allows the fluid to rush into the cavity. So perhaps the fact that I'm asleep and lying down more than half the time over the last three weeks, actually caused my sinusitis?!!?
Who knows, but at any rate it hurts like a mofu so I'm going to go o.d. on my painkillers.
Stay tuned for more Chronicles of Craig, coming soon.....
Friday, May 27, 2005
Ah kids!
Last night, Billy and I went to the Long Island Ducks minor league baseball game; my first trip out East to see Carlos Baergea's alma matta. I was really excited to go but after the 7th inning of the first game of a doubleheader I was already on the LIE heading home.
You may be asking yourself why would a baseball fanatic leave a game early and not even stay for the second game of a double header? The reason can be summed up in two words: fan friendly.
You see minor league baseball teams like the Ducks appeal to families who want to watch baseball but don't want to pay the big bucks it costs to watch the Yankees and Mets. It's good for them but bad for a true fan like myself who can't concentrate on the game with all the little kids running around.
Don't these kids know that while they're off trying to get the attention of Duck's mascot, Quacker Jack, I'm trying to time how long it takes Juan Melo to get to first base. How am I supposed to scout these guys and get my big break as the next great Yankees scout if I can't even concentrate with thousands of duck callers blowing in my ears? Ah, kids!
But on the bright side I did run into an old friend of mine, Ducks owner and former Met, Buddy Harrelson. He begged me to let him sign something, but I said, "no thanks, I already have your autograph from 6th grade field day."
You may be asking yourself why would a baseball fanatic leave a game early and not even stay for the second game of a double header? The reason can be summed up in two words: fan friendly.
You see minor league baseball teams like the Ducks appeal to families who want to watch baseball but don't want to pay the big bucks it costs to watch the Yankees and Mets. It's good for them but bad for a true fan like myself who can't concentrate on the game with all the little kids running around.
Don't these kids know that while they're off trying to get the attention of Duck's mascot, Quacker Jack, I'm trying to time how long it takes Juan Melo to get to first base. How am I supposed to scout these guys and get my big break as the next great Yankees scout if I can't even concentrate with thousands of duck callers blowing in my ears? Ah, kids!
But on the bright side I did run into an old friend of mine, Ducks owner and former Met, Buddy Harrelson. He begged me to let him sign something, but I said, "no thanks, I already have your autograph from 6th grade field day."
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Happy Birthday Heidi
First Brian, then Russell, then me, and now Heidi....kind of makes you wonder what was in the water in the August of 1981.
But regardless of whether there was something in the water or the Yankees were just out of the pennant race, let's not lose sight of the fact that today is a great day. A historic day. For it is the 23rd birthday of a Ms. Heidi Paula Squires.
For those of you who don't know who Heidi is, she's that hot Blonde in all of my pictures from college. You know the one that's always hanging all over me; undressing me with her eyes. The one with that come hither look permanently etched on her face when she's in my presence. And can you blame her? It's hard to resist an international sex symbol such as myself.
But enough about me. Today is about Heidi. Today is about a girl who wishes that I would come visit her, who wishes that Bender would leave her alone, and above all else who wishes that she was Kevin Federline.
So Heidi, even though you cock blocked me for two years, replaced me as Class Council President, and stole my thunder by speaking at commencement, I still hope you have a great time tonight in Little Rhody in your 'limo of fun'.
May your 23rd be as great as your first 22.
But regardless of whether there was something in the water or the Yankees were just out of the pennant race, let's not lose sight of the fact that today is a great day. A historic day. For it is the 23rd birthday of a Ms. Heidi Paula Squires.
For those of you who don't know who Heidi is, she's that hot Blonde in all of my pictures from college. You know the one that's always hanging all over me; undressing me with her eyes. The one with that come hither look permanently etched on her face when she's in my presence. And can you blame her? It's hard to resist an international sex symbol such as myself.
But enough about me. Today is about Heidi. Today is about a girl who wishes that I would come visit her, who wishes that Bender would leave her alone, and above all else who wishes that she was Kevin Federline.
So Heidi, even though you cock blocked me for two years, replaced me as Class Council President, and stole my thunder by speaking at commencement, I still hope you have a great time tonight in Little Rhody in your 'limo of fun'.
May your 23rd be as great as your first 22.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Birthday Recap
The one good thing about birthdays is that you can find out who your true friends are. Or in my case you can find out who was online yesterday, saw your away message, and discovered that it was your birthday. But in any event thank you very much to all my friends and family who either remembered it was birthday or got lucky that my screen name ends in 524. To everyone else, the bidding to win back my friendship starts with a pair of Yankees tickets.
Before I leave for the mall I wanted to share a top ten list that my friend Brian put up on his blog, www.malfsmouth.blogspot.com, last night in my honor. For anyone who enjoys Brian's favorite past time of 'ripping Craig', you're sure going to like this list.
You Know You're Craig Shames if:
#10) You check the paper for job openings such as General Manager of a Professional Baseball Team
#9) You believe that every pitch you bounced in softball was just a bad call and the ump is hatin on you
#8) You think driving your car is a video game and yell "weeee" when going around a turn
#7) Regarding you and Natalie Portman, you believe its not a matter of if but when
#6) You think the Meadowbrook and Southern State are the same parkway
#5) You believe the food pyrimad consists of bagged carrots, pretzels, and twizzlers.
#4) You have trained your dog to be exactly like you and hate every one
#3) You have a new best friend every day
#2) You are walking topless on the beach and people ask you why you are wearing a sweater
#1) Your take on alcohol and women are the same...."I've never had any"
If you liked that list, check out Brian's blog for an article on how I'm the descendant of Big Foot.
Before I leave for the mall I wanted to share a top ten list that my friend Brian put up on his blog, www.malfsmouth.blogspot.com, last night in my honor. For anyone who enjoys Brian's favorite past time of 'ripping Craig', you're sure going to like this list.
You Know You're Craig Shames if:
#10) You check the paper for job openings such as General Manager of a Professional Baseball Team
#9) You believe that every pitch you bounced in softball was just a bad call and the ump is hatin on you
#8) You think driving your car is a video game and yell "weeee" when going around a turn
#7) Regarding you and Natalie Portman, you believe its not a matter of if but when
#6) You think the Meadowbrook and Southern State are the same parkway
#5) You believe the food pyrimad consists of bagged carrots, pretzels, and twizzlers.
#4) You have trained your dog to be exactly like you and hate every one
#3) You have a new best friend every day
#2) You are walking topless on the beach and people ask you why you are wearing a sweater
#1) Your take on alcohol and women are the same...."I've never had any"
If you liked that list, check out Brian's blog for an article on how I'm the descendant of Big Foot.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Happy Labor Day Mom
According to the calendar, Labor Day falls in September. However, it also occurs everyday thousands of times over because for someone out there each day is their own personal labor day. The anniversary of the day they went into labor and gave birth to someone. We call such days birthdays and shower the person brought into this world with gifts that they just wind up returning for store credit anyway. But how come no one ever pays homage to the real hero of the day, the mothers who went through labor, in my case, 23 years ago today.
Why am I getting all the attention, I didn't do anything. I'm not the one who waddled around for nine months, I'm not the one who was in agonizing pain throughout child birth, I'm not the one who had to put up with my crap for 23 years. I don't deserve the accolades and the recognition. But I take them. I take them because it's human nature to want to feel loved. And if birthdays are good for one thing, it's to boost your self esteem, so that you can say, "wow, look at all the presents I got. I have so many great friends. Aren't I the greatest?"
But I'm here today to say that birthdays shouldn't be about the birthee, they should be about the birther. They should be called labor days not birthdays and we should be honoring the mothers and not the children. At least that's what I do.
My hope is that one day this catches on nationwide or even worldwide but I doubt it. Everyone just things I'm crazy for thinking this way. That's why Leigh's mom didn't know what to do after the time I sent her flowers on Leigh's birthday.
But I'm not going to let a few irrational people get me down. Today is no longer my birthday, it's labor day. So mom, Happy Labor Day, dinner's on me.
Why am I getting all the attention, I didn't do anything. I'm not the one who waddled around for nine months, I'm not the one who was in agonizing pain throughout child birth, I'm not the one who had to put up with my crap for 23 years. I don't deserve the accolades and the recognition. But I take them. I take them because it's human nature to want to feel loved. And if birthdays are good for one thing, it's to boost your self esteem, so that you can say, "wow, look at all the presents I got. I have so many great friends. Aren't I the greatest?"
But I'm here today to say that birthdays shouldn't be about the birthee, they should be about the birther. They should be called labor days not birthdays and we should be honoring the mothers and not the children. At least that's what I do.
My hope is that one day this catches on nationwide or even worldwide but I doubt it. Everyone just things I'm crazy for thinking this way. That's why Leigh's mom didn't know what to do after the time I sent her flowers on Leigh's birthday.
But I'm not going to let a few irrational people get me down. Today is no longer my birthday, it's labor day. So mom, Happy Labor Day, dinner's on me.
Happy Birthday to me
Today I turn 23, which means that I'm a day older than I was yesterday. It also means that I get to talk in the third person and pay homage to myself.
So Craig I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I know you're going to say that you don't care that it's your birthday, that it's just another day, etc. But you shouldn't think like that. You worked hard this year and you deserve a day of recognition.
I mean the amount of crap that you took from family members and friends alike about your picky eating habits was almost unbearable at times. But you remained strong and never let on that your feelings were hurt. And for that I applaud you.
Your unflappable demeanor and witty, out going personality served as an inspriration to us all. After all, it was your resolve that served as our pillar of strength, in these tough times of wiffleball futility and jdate incompatibility.
We would not be able to hold our head high today if it wasn't for the leadership by example that you exuded each and every day.
You may be an unemployed, no talent ass clown but you are also a hero to us all.
Happy birthday Craig, you earned it.
So Craig I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I know you're going to say that you don't care that it's your birthday, that it's just another day, etc. But you shouldn't think like that. You worked hard this year and you deserve a day of recognition.
I mean the amount of crap that you took from family members and friends alike about your picky eating habits was almost unbearable at times. But you remained strong and never let on that your feelings were hurt. And for that I applaud you.
Your unflappable demeanor and witty, out going personality served as an inspriration to us all. After all, it was your resolve that served as our pillar of strength, in these tough times of wiffleball futility and jdate incompatibility.
We would not be able to hold our head high today if it wasn't for the leadership by example that you exuded each and every day.
You may be an unemployed, no talent ass clown but you are also a hero to us all.
Happy birthday Craig, you earned it.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Birthday Wishes
On this, my birthday eve, I thought it would be appropriate to unveil my birthday wish list.
1. Brittany Snow, Sophia Bush, Alexis Bledel, Natalie Portman, or Keira Knightley
2. My own reality show on MTV
3. A guest appearance on Lost
4. A job: Should be higher than fourth on my list but I'd much rather get laid by a celebrity or become famous than work 9-5.
5. DVD's for my movie collection: A collection with just the Matrix and Shallow Hal is hardly a collection at all.
6. A time machine so I can go back in time and stop myself from buying all those new work clothes a week before I got fired.
7. Comic books to start my comic book collection: I figured if I'm going to be a 23 year old virgin still living in my parent's basement I might as well look the part and start collecting comic books and going to Star Wars conventions.
8. A water bed: If I'm going to be sleeping every day until 2 pm, I might as well be comfortable.
1. Brittany Snow, Sophia Bush, Alexis Bledel, Natalie Portman, or Keira Knightley
2. My own reality show on MTV
3. A guest appearance on Lost
4. A job: Should be higher than fourth on my list but I'd much rather get laid by a celebrity or become famous than work 9-5.
5. DVD's for my movie collection: A collection with just the Matrix and Shallow Hal is hardly a collection at all.
6. A time machine so I can go back in time and stop myself from buying all those new work clothes a week before I got fired.
7. Comic books to start my comic book collection: I figured if I'm going to be a 23 year old virgin still living in my parent's basement I might as well look the part and start collecting comic books and going to Star Wars conventions.
8. A water bed: If I'm going to be sleeping every day until 2 pm, I might as well be comfortable.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Week in Review
Not much to report here from the past week since I woke up every day this week no earlier than 1 pm including a world record setting 3 pm start to my day on Sunday.
Ah, the advantages of being unemployed. Not only do you get to stay up late watching reruns of Full House but you also get to sleep late and spend the rest of your day writing parody articles about your softball team.
However, being unemployed is not all it's cracked up to be. I'm getting all pale and pasty since I'm not getting any sun and my bank account is shrinking faster than my you know what after a shower.
Worst of all, my mom has me running all over town doing more errands than Super Nanny. It kind of makes me wish I had a job again. Not! Do you really think I miss getting choked to death by my tie, spending $10 a day on lunch, and going to bed at 9 pm on a friday night?
I didn't think so. Now if you'll excuse me, Full House is about to start.
Ah, the advantages of being unemployed. Not only do you get to stay up late watching reruns of Full House but you also get to sleep late and spend the rest of your day writing parody articles about your softball team.
However, being unemployed is not all it's cracked up to be. I'm getting all pale and pasty since I'm not getting any sun and my bank account is shrinking faster than my you know what after a shower.
Worst of all, my mom has me running all over town doing more errands than Super Nanny. It kind of makes me wish I had a job again. Not! Do you really think I miss getting choked to death by my tie, spending $10 a day on lunch, and going to bed at 9 pm on a friday night?
I didn't think so. Now if you'll excuse me, Full House is about to start.
Rathbun Goes on 15 day DL
Here's another parody article I wrote for the softball blog. I would post more original stuff to this blog but the gamer's blog is taking up all my creative juices. Anyway, I hope you like it...
Oceanside, NY - In a devastating blow to the Gamers playoff hopes, star secondbaseman and clean up hitter, Rob Rathbun, was placed on the 15 day disabled list retroactive to the May 21st games versus the Hurricanes. As a result he will miss the games on June 4th and 11th.
According to Rob's personal website, http://www.youcantgetmeout.com/, he is going on the dl after spraining his right ankle. The injury apparently occured while Rathbun was jumping up and down to celebrate the fact that teammate Rob Roll tagged from first base on his flyball to left centerfield in the fifth inning of the second game, turning a would be fly out into a non batting average reducing sacrifice fly.
However, inside sources tell All Access that the real reason behind Rathbun's trip to the dl is that he had his stomach pumped following an all night drinking binge at the graduation party for teammate Scotty Goldsmith.
Goldsmith had originally promised his guests that there would be two kegs at his party but when partygoers arrived they only found one. That's because Rathbun had stashed the other keg behind a bush in Goldsmith's back yard and made repeated trips to his secret stash throughout the night.
Gamers utily infielder and long time Rathbun confidant, Ken Neidert, said, "I thought it was kind of strange that Rathbun kept leaving to go to the bathroom. But I just thought that he had the runs. I mean, he had been farting all night."
When authorities arrived after receiving a noise complaint from neighbors they found Rathbun and girlfriend, Heidi Holmgren, passed out in a pool of their own urine on the lawn in front of Goldsmith's house.
Nassau County police officer, Raymond Bates, said, "A keg on average holds about 180 drinks. We believe that Rob and Heidi, between the two of them, had about half that many."
After arriving at the hospital, Rathbun reportedly registered a blood alcohol level of .50, while Holmgren registered a normal .06 because her body was used to processing that much alcohol. Authorities say that Rathbun's .50 is the highest BAC every recorded in the United States and that he is lucky to be alive.
Goldsmith, relieved that his best friend is going to make it out of this ordeal alive, said, "Thank god Robbie is going to be okay. I don't know what I would have done without him. From now on I'm going to spend as much time with him as I can because you never know when someone you care about could be taken from you."
When asked if that meant he was going to stop going to Synergy gym, Goldsmith replied, "Oh, fuck no. I just meant that we would spend all our other time together."
Oceanside, NY - In a devastating blow to the Gamers playoff hopes, star secondbaseman and clean up hitter, Rob Rathbun, was placed on the 15 day disabled list retroactive to the May 21st games versus the Hurricanes. As a result he will miss the games on June 4th and 11th.
According to Rob's personal website, http://www.youcantgetmeout.com/, he is going on the dl after spraining his right ankle. The injury apparently occured while Rathbun was jumping up and down to celebrate the fact that teammate Rob Roll tagged from first base on his flyball to left centerfield in the fifth inning of the second game, turning a would be fly out into a non batting average reducing sacrifice fly.
However, inside sources tell All Access that the real reason behind Rathbun's trip to the dl is that he had his stomach pumped following an all night drinking binge at the graduation party for teammate Scotty Goldsmith.
Goldsmith had originally promised his guests that there would be two kegs at his party but when partygoers arrived they only found one. That's because Rathbun had stashed the other keg behind a bush in Goldsmith's back yard and made repeated trips to his secret stash throughout the night.
Gamers utily infielder and long time Rathbun confidant, Ken Neidert, said, "I thought it was kind of strange that Rathbun kept leaving to go to the bathroom. But I just thought that he had the runs. I mean, he had been farting all night."
When authorities arrived after receiving a noise complaint from neighbors they found Rathbun and girlfriend, Heidi Holmgren, passed out in a pool of their own urine on the lawn in front of Goldsmith's house.
Nassau County police officer, Raymond Bates, said, "A keg on average holds about 180 drinks. We believe that Rob and Heidi, between the two of them, had about half that many."
After arriving at the hospital, Rathbun reportedly registered a blood alcohol level of .50, while Holmgren registered a normal .06 because her body was used to processing that much alcohol. Authorities say that Rathbun's .50 is the highest BAC every recorded in the United States and that he is lucky to be alive.
Goldsmith, relieved that his best friend is going to make it out of this ordeal alive, said, "Thank god Robbie is going to be okay. I don't know what I would have done without him. From now on I'm going to spend as much time with him as I can because you never know when someone you care about could be taken from you."
When asked if that meant he was going to stop going to Synergy gym, Goldsmith replied, "Oh, fuck no. I just meant that we would spend all our other time together."
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Comedy of Errors Overshadows Sweep
Hicksville, New York - The season debut of Dave "Kegstand" Kheel and the addition of random peeps, Ken Neidert and John Schaefer, ignited a season high 40 run outburst as the Gamers swept the Hurricanes 22-10 and 18-3 to improve to 5-1 on the young season. Lcf Brian Malfettone went 7 for 8 with 6 rbis and SS Rob Roll went 9 for 9 with 3 legit homeruns to lead the Gamers attack. However, their impressive hitting outburst was overshadowed by their uncharacteristic sloppy play.
A day after watching the Mets and Yankees commit 5 errors, the Gamers turned in a similar performance on a windy and dusty day at Hicksville's Cantiague Park. Kheel who went 5 for 7 with 5 runs and 5 rbis, dropped a would be double play return throw from 2b Rob Rathbun and later stepped on the wrong base allowing another runner to reach base.
Not to be outdone by Kheel, lf Dave Roll slipped turning a single into a double and ran past another ball in route to allowing another extra base hit. He was later moved to rf to hide his defensive defencies but it did little good as he dropped a routine fly ball. In his defense, Roll said, "I dropped the ball on purpose because I wanted to nail the guy out at home plate."
And he did just that as his relay throw to Rob Rathbun resulted in one of the Gamers 5 putouts on the day at 3rd base or home plate. 2 of those putouts were on flip plays to the catcher on bases loaded comebackers to the mound that starting pitcher Craig Shames should have just taken himself to get the safer out. Instead he dangerously risked the throws on a day when the Gamers made a season high 9 errors.
Speaking of Shames, he had a performance that only Victor Zambrano could be proud of, as he walked an ABA record 37 batters in the two games. Amazingly, he only allowed 13 runs on the day as he got the Hurricanes to strand at least two runners on base in every inning.When asked why he struggled so much, Shames said, "it was so dusty that I couldn't see home plate because it was buried under a layer of dirt. On top of that I didn't have a pitching rubber to work off of because that was buried too. And my glasses were blocked with a layer of dirt as well that made it hard to see. "
Gamers manager William Bezouska saw it differently though. "Craig's probably going to make excuses for why he didn't pitch well, " Bezouska said. "But truth be told, Craig was just afriad to throw the ball over to this team's minority players. Craig's afraid of any minority that is over 6 ft tall or weighs more than 180 pounds. And it didn't help that one of them had a mean looking goatee."
The Gamers have a bye next week for Memorial weekend, which will give them plenty of time to work out their kinks and for Shames to find the strike zone.
"In a pefect world, every batter would be like Jose Reyes," Shames said. "But we don't live in a perfect world."
A day after watching the Mets and Yankees commit 5 errors, the Gamers turned in a similar performance on a windy and dusty day at Hicksville's Cantiague Park. Kheel who went 5 for 7 with 5 runs and 5 rbis, dropped a would be double play return throw from 2b Rob Rathbun and later stepped on the wrong base allowing another runner to reach base.
Not to be outdone by Kheel, lf Dave Roll slipped turning a single into a double and ran past another ball in route to allowing another extra base hit. He was later moved to rf to hide his defensive defencies but it did little good as he dropped a routine fly ball. In his defense, Roll said, "I dropped the ball on purpose because I wanted to nail the guy out at home plate."
And he did just that as his relay throw to Rob Rathbun resulted in one of the Gamers 5 putouts on the day at 3rd base or home plate. 2 of those putouts were on flip plays to the catcher on bases loaded comebackers to the mound that starting pitcher Craig Shames should have just taken himself to get the safer out. Instead he dangerously risked the throws on a day when the Gamers made a season high 9 errors.
Speaking of Shames, he had a performance that only Victor Zambrano could be proud of, as he walked an ABA record 37 batters in the two games. Amazingly, he only allowed 13 runs on the day as he got the Hurricanes to strand at least two runners on base in every inning.When asked why he struggled so much, Shames said, "it was so dusty that I couldn't see home plate because it was buried under a layer of dirt. On top of that I didn't have a pitching rubber to work off of because that was buried too. And my glasses were blocked with a layer of dirt as well that made it hard to see. "
Gamers manager William Bezouska saw it differently though. "Craig's probably going to make excuses for why he didn't pitch well, " Bezouska said. "But truth be told, Craig was just afriad to throw the ball over to this team's minority players. Craig's afraid of any minority that is over 6 ft tall or weighs more than 180 pounds. And it didn't help that one of them had a mean looking goatee."
The Gamers have a bye next week for Memorial weekend, which will give them plenty of time to work out their kinks and for Shames to find the strike zone.
"In a pefect world, every batter would be like Jose Reyes," Shames said. "But we don't live in a perfect world."
Friday, May 20, 2005
Episode III: Revenge of the Nerds
So, tonight I'm going to see Star Wars, Episode 3, Revenge of the Sith and that's not necessarily a good thing. You just know that on opening weekend the theatre is going to be packed with fanatical fans all dressed like star troopers and that inevitably there will be some 13 year old jack asses who have a light saber battle in the aisle with their cell phones before the movie starts.
But on the bright side if you're ever going to go to a packed theatre to see a movie this would be the one to go to. Being one of 500 nerds is a lot better than going on opening night to see American Pie and being one of 500 rowdy teenagers. At least with the nerds you can leave with high self esteem knowing that you just met 499 people that you are cooler than. Although, they'll probably be thinking the same thing after seeing me.
Either way I'm going to check out Natalie Portman and not the transformation of Annikin into Darth Vader. Speaking of Ms. Portman it turns out that we made out!!! I kid you not. You see, if you can follow my logic, I kissed my ex girlfriend. It's been so long that I don't quite remember it but I assume that it must have happened at least once. Then my ex, according to rumors, hooked up with this guy at college who just so happens to live out in the hamptons and knows Natalie Portman. Supposedly he claims that they kissed, which means that if I kissed my ex and she kissed this ass clown who some how managed to kiss Queen Amidala, then that means, that booyah, I kissed Natalie Portman!!!!
But seriously, I sure would like to go out on a date with Natalie Portman. I'm not saying it would lead to anything but we sure could make a lot of small talk. I mean she's from Syosset on Long Island. I'm from Oceanside on Long Island. She's jewish having been born in Israel. I'm jewish having been born in Brooklyn. She went to school in Boston at Harvard. I went to school in Boston at Northeastern. She's been in a bunch of movies. I've seen a bunch of movies. It would be a great night. And the best part is that another one of my friends has a cousin whose parents met Natalie's parents and got her phone number for their son. He never used it but I bet he still has it. You just don't throw away Natalie Portman's phone number. Now if I could only get him to give it to me....
But on the bright side if you're ever going to go to a packed theatre to see a movie this would be the one to go to. Being one of 500 nerds is a lot better than going on opening night to see American Pie and being one of 500 rowdy teenagers. At least with the nerds you can leave with high self esteem knowing that you just met 499 people that you are cooler than. Although, they'll probably be thinking the same thing after seeing me.
Either way I'm going to check out Natalie Portman and not the transformation of Annikin into Darth Vader. Speaking of Ms. Portman it turns out that we made out!!! I kid you not. You see, if you can follow my logic, I kissed my ex girlfriend. It's been so long that I don't quite remember it but I assume that it must have happened at least once. Then my ex, according to rumors, hooked up with this guy at college who just so happens to live out in the hamptons and knows Natalie Portman. Supposedly he claims that they kissed, which means that if I kissed my ex and she kissed this ass clown who some how managed to kiss Queen Amidala, then that means, that booyah, I kissed Natalie Portman!!!!
But seriously, I sure would like to go out on a date with Natalie Portman. I'm not saying it would lead to anything but we sure could make a lot of small talk. I mean she's from Syosset on Long Island. I'm from Oceanside on Long Island. She's jewish having been born in Israel. I'm jewish having been born in Brooklyn. She went to school in Boston at Harvard. I went to school in Boston at Northeastern. She's been in a bunch of movies. I've seen a bunch of movies. It would be a great night. And the best part is that another one of my friends has a cousin whose parents met Natalie's parents and got her phone number for their son. He never used it but I bet he still has it. You just don't throw away Natalie Portman's phone number. Now if I could only get him to give it to me....
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Job Search
Earlier tonight when my friend asked me if I had found a job yet, I said yeah....professional dog walker. I was only kidding but it sure does seem that way since the only thing I do all day is walk my dog.
But it got me thinking. Since I wouldn't mind being a dog walker, maybe I should make a list of jobs that I would and wouldn't mind doing.
Jobs I would do -
Dog walker
Victoria's Secret floor salesman
Awards show seat filler
General Manager of the New York Yankees
Anything in higher education (admissions, reslife, student activities, student life, etc.)
Teacher
Politician
Public Service (cop, fbi, cia, etc.)
Marketing
Event planning
Writer
Jobs I wouldn't want to do -
Peep booth janitor
Stunt double for Johnny Knoxville
But it got me thinking. Since I wouldn't mind being a dog walker, maybe I should make a list of jobs that I would and wouldn't mind doing.
Jobs I would do -
Dog walker
Victoria's Secret floor salesman
Awards show seat filler
General Manager of the New York Yankees
Anything in higher education (admissions, reslife, student activities, student life, etc.)
Teacher
Politician
Public Service (cop, fbi, cia, etc.)
Marketing
Event planning
Writer
Jobs I wouldn't want to do -
Peep booth janitor
Stunt double for Johnny Knoxville
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Lost Found
Hopefully, everybody is now hooked on the best show on television: ABC's Lost. I know I am.
There's just something about being stranded on a mysterious island with 40 other people that appeals to me. Maybe it's the hot girls. Maybe it's the "work together or die alone" credo that they live by. Perhaps it's even the fact that they don't have to worry about people making fun of them for ordering salads without dressing and pastas without sauces.
Either way this show is by far the best thing on television since the heyday of SeaQuest DSV. Yes, it's even better than Steve Harvey's Big Time.
There's just something about being stranded on a mysterious island with 40 other people that appeals to me. Maybe it's the hot girls. Maybe it's the "work together or die alone" credo that they live by. Perhaps it's even the fact that they don't have to worry about people making fun of them for ordering salads without dressing and pastas without sauces.
Either way this show is by far the best thing on television since the heyday of SeaQuest DSV. Yes, it's even better than Steve Harvey's Big Time.
Random IM Convo
UnaBilly CU: sexson that assclown. he's struck out like every at bat this series
headcase524: k or hr
headcase524: hes the new giambi
UnaBilly CU: wang struck his ass out last week
headcase524: hey watch out....try not to say wang and ass in the same sentence
headcase524: k or hr
headcase524: hes the new giambi
UnaBilly CU: wang struck his ass out last week
headcase524: hey watch out....try not to say wang and ass in the same sentence
T-shirt Snafu Adds to Gamers Woes
Here's another humor article that I wrote for the softball site:
Long Island, NY - Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse for the Gamers, news broke late Wednesday night that there was a mixup with the uniforms the team had ordered for their upcoming game against the Hurricanes.
In a week where the Gamers saw their manager, William Bezouska, get suspended for 10 games for posession of illegal performance enhancing drugs and had five of their starting players designated for assingment, the news of a uniform mishap was the last thing they needed. But that's exactly what they got.
And what they'll be getting are an order of tie dye women's small baby tees that say Gamers in large, obnoxious bubble letters.
After hearing of the flub, 1b Zac Nicholson said, "this is great, just great. Tie dye baby tees. It's not going to take long for everyone to start calling us the gayers."
Other players didn't sound so upset though. 2b Rob Rathbun said, "this may actually be a blessing in disguise. Now, Scotty and I can show off our guns."
What everyone wants to know though is who was responsible for this mixup.
Apparently it was a matter of miscommunication.
First Bezouska placed an order for navy blue shirts with Gamers on the front in white lettering. Then SS Rob Roll called up and changed the order to the color he can't live without, royal blue. Later on, LCF Brian Malfettone couldn't find anything to accessorize with the royal blue so he called and changed the order to light green with yellow lettering. With so many different orders being placed the designer at Baja Man got confused and mistakeningly thought that the team wanted tie dye shirts.
To remedy the situation, Bezouska acted quickly and placed another order. However, the new order does not come without strings attached.
"I got a good deal on some premade jersies," Bezouska said. "They were only $10. But our team name is now the Pig Fuckers."
Long Island, NY - Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse for the Gamers, news broke late Wednesday night that there was a mixup with the uniforms the team had ordered for their upcoming game against the Hurricanes.
In a week where the Gamers saw their manager, William Bezouska, get suspended for 10 games for posession of illegal performance enhancing drugs and had five of their starting players designated for assingment, the news of a uniform mishap was the last thing they needed. But that's exactly what they got.
And what they'll be getting are an order of tie dye women's small baby tees that say Gamers in large, obnoxious bubble letters.
After hearing of the flub, 1b Zac Nicholson said, "this is great, just great. Tie dye baby tees. It's not going to take long for everyone to start calling us the gayers."
Other players didn't sound so upset though. 2b Rob Rathbun said, "this may actually be a blessing in disguise. Now, Scotty and I can show off our guns."
What everyone wants to know though is who was responsible for this mixup.
Apparently it was a matter of miscommunication.
First Bezouska placed an order for navy blue shirts with Gamers on the front in white lettering. Then SS Rob Roll called up and changed the order to the color he can't live without, royal blue. Later on, LCF Brian Malfettone couldn't find anything to accessorize with the royal blue so he called and changed the order to light green with yellow lettering. With so many different orders being placed the designer at Baja Man got confused and mistakeningly thought that the team wanted tie dye shirts.
To remedy the situation, Bezouska acted quickly and placed another order. However, the new order does not come without strings attached.
"I got a good deal on some premade jersies," Bezouska said. "They were only $10. But our team name is now the Pig Fuckers."
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Loss Leads to Flurry of Moves
Here's another spoof article that I wrote for my softball blog:
Long Island, NY - Overreacting as usual, Gamers principal owner George Steinbrenner has ordered General Manager Brian Cashman to make a series of roster moves in order to get the struggling Gamers playing up to their usual high standards of excellence.
The shake up comes on the heels of a four game spurt in which the Gamers have scored only four runs a game. They still managed to go 3-1 on the homestand, but their average margin of victory of only 1.5 runs per game has had Steinbrenner on edge. So much so, that according to several top aides, he has already fired 13 employees, and cancelled the team's dental coverage.
The spark that they hope ignites a fire under the team comes in the form of banishing star short stop Rob Roll to the California Penal League. Roll who has yet to hit a home run won't be allowed to return to the East Coast until he learns how to surf.
Also getting demoted were 3b Johnny Vasquez, LF Scott Goldsmith, 1b Zac Nicholson, and C Peter Hon. After announcing the moves, Steinbrenner issued this statement through his publicist Howard Rubenstein: "We would have cut Vasquez and Hon outright but we couldn't afford to lose their bats. Not their offensive production mind you. But their actual bats. Those are the only bats we have for the whole team."
Steinbrenner and Cashman also held a close door meeting after the game with struggling slugger Dave Roll and according to sources reportedly asked Roll to accept a demotion to the minors as well. However, Roll refused citing a provision in the Gamers constitution that states that at least one member of the Roll family must be on the team at all times.
To replace the five banished players who are now known as the "unfab five", the Gamers announced the signings of four scab replacment players from the Independent League team, the Baldwin Sailors.
According to rumors, if the shakeup doesn't help the Gamers score more than five runs, Steinbrenner will ban all girlfriends from attending games for the rest of the year.
Long Island, NY - Overreacting as usual, Gamers principal owner George Steinbrenner has ordered General Manager Brian Cashman to make a series of roster moves in order to get the struggling Gamers playing up to their usual high standards of excellence.
The shake up comes on the heels of a four game spurt in which the Gamers have scored only four runs a game. They still managed to go 3-1 on the homestand, but their average margin of victory of only 1.5 runs per game has had Steinbrenner on edge. So much so, that according to several top aides, he has already fired 13 employees, and cancelled the team's dental coverage.
The spark that they hope ignites a fire under the team comes in the form of banishing star short stop Rob Roll to the California Penal League. Roll who has yet to hit a home run won't be allowed to return to the East Coast until he learns how to surf.
Also getting demoted were 3b Johnny Vasquez, LF Scott Goldsmith, 1b Zac Nicholson, and C Peter Hon. After announcing the moves, Steinbrenner issued this statement through his publicist Howard Rubenstein: "We would have cut Vasquez and Hon outright but we couldn't afford to lose their bats. Not their offensive production mind you. But their actual bats. Those are the only bats we have for the whole team."
Steinbrenner and Cashman also held a close door meeting after the game with struggling slugger Dave Roll and according to sources reportedly asked Roll to accept a demotion to the minors as well. However, Roll refused citing a provision in the Gamers constitution that states that at least one member of the Roll family must be on the team at all times.
To replace the five banished players who are now known as the "unfab five", the Gamers announced the signings of four scab replacment players from the Independent League team, the Baldwin Sailors.
According to rumors, if the shakeup doesn't help the Gamers score more than five runs, Steinbrenner will ban all girlfriends from attending games for the rest of the year.
Shames Latest Player Affected by Doping Scandal
My friend Billy fired back at my spoof article with one of his own...check it out:
Long Island, NY - Gamers starting pitcher Craig Shames is the latest name to be added to the steroid scandal consuming the Gamers 2005 season. The recent news is a bizarre development that has many experts scratching their heads.
Shames tested posistive for extremely high levels of Estrogen and Progesterone, two hormones that control the female reproductive system. Speculation is that Shames has been ingesting birth control pills or hormonal replacement therapy for menopausal women, or possibly both.
Scott Matson, ABA Comissioner, spoke to the media this morning, "ABA has strict rules about usage of performance-enhancing substances by its players. Mr. Shames' situation is unique in that I don't believe he was making any effort to actually enhance his abilities. It actually looks like his intentions were quite the opposite... The League is honestly baffled about how we are going to handle this."
Teammate Johnny Vasquez offered some speculation, "I was speaking to Craig just the other day about his sub-warning-track-power. If he could take 15, maybe 20 feet off of his normally weak fly outs... those would be bloop singles."
New addition RCF Scott Zimmerman also offered his opinion, "Craig grounded out pretty weakly to the other team's infielders last week. If he could cut down the speed on those ground balls by a few more MPH, I really think he would have a shot at legging them out."
LCF Brian Malfettone speculated on the possible side effects that the drug use has had on Craig's body, "Craig has been acting like a whiney bitch lately... more so than usual I mean."
Gamers Manager William Bezouska could not be reached for comment.
Long Island, NY - Gamers starting pitcher Craig Shames is the latest name to be added to the steroid scandal consuming the Gamers 2005 season. The recent news is a bizarre development that has many experts scratching their heads.
Shames tested posistive for extremely high levels of Estrogen and Progesterone, two hormones that control the female reproductive system. Speculation is that Shames has been ingesting birth control pills or hormonal replacement therapy for menopausal women, or possibly both.
Scott Matson, ABA Comissioner, spoke to the media this morning, "ABA has strict rules about usage of performance-enhancing substances by its players. Mr. Shames' situation is unique in that I don't believe he was making any effort to actually enhance his abilities. It actually looks like his intentions were quite the opposite... The League is honestly baffled about how we are going to handle this."
Teammate Johnny Vasquez offered some speculation, "I was speaking to Craig just the other day about his sub-warning-track-power. If he could take 15, maybe 20 feet off of his normally weak fly outs... those would be bloop singles."
New addition RCF Scott Zimmerman also offered his opinion, "Craig grounded out pretty weakly to the other team's infielders last week. If he could cut down the speed on those ground balls by a few more MPH, I really think he would have a shot at legging them out."
LCF Brian Malfettone speculated on the possible side effects that the drug use has had on Craig's body, "Craig has been acting like a whiney bitch lately... more so than usual I mean."
Gamers Manager William Bezouska could not be reached for comment.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Blast from the Past
So over the weekend my mom went to my cousin's bridal shower and ran into some old friends from Baldwin, including a friend of mine from elementary school, Jen Goldberg.
It's funny that she ran into Jen becasue as it turns out Jen and I have been living in alternate parallel universes. We were both at my prom but didn't know it at the time. And we both went to school in Boston and didn't know it at the time. In fact, it turns out that Jen's best friend in life, is the love of my life, Heather Rauch.
To be at the same prom, go to school in the same city, and share the fondness for the same girl, just boggles the mind. My obsession with licorice, however, is all my own.
It's funny that she ran into Jen becasue as it turns out Jen and I have been living in alternate parallel universes. We were both at my prom but didn't know it at the time. And we both went to school in Boston and didn't know it at the time. In fact, it turns out that Jen's best friend in life, is the love of my life, Heather Rauch.
To be at the same prom, go to school in the same city, and share the fondness for the same girl, just boggles the mind. My obsession with licorice, however, is all my own.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Breaking News: Steriods Scandal Rocks Gamers
Long Island, NY - Following last Saturday's game versus the Tattoo Crew, Gamers manager William Bezouska was suspended for 10 games by ABA commissioner Scott Matson for violating the league's steriods policy.
The 'cream' and the 'clear' made famous from testimony leaked to the San Francisco Chronicle during the BALCO investigations were both found in Bezouska's locker along with a bottle of oral steriods.
According to Matson, Bezouska claimed that the performance enhancing drugs were given to him over the counter by his family doctor to counteract the effects of poison ivy. Bezouska's claims however, fell on deaf ears, because according to several unnamed sources, the Gamers have long been under suspicion of steriod use.
The players that initially came under the most suspicion were Scott Zimmerman, Dave Roll, Johnny Vasquez, Rob Rathbun and Scott Goldsmith.
Roll came right out and denied any wrong doing, saying, "Don't you think if I was using steriods, I would be hitting higher than .077?"
Vasquez apologized but wouldn't say what for. It's believed though that he was apologizing for letting the team down by not bringing Felix back with him this season and not for having used steriods.
Charges were also dropped against Goldsmith after eye witness accounts placed him at Synergy Gym during all 24 hours of operation on the dates in question.
Rathbun still remains in suspicion because his early season offensive production defies logic. He claims that like the Baltimore Orioles Brian Roberts, his production is the result of creatine and not human growth hormones.
After hearing of the suspension handed down to their manager, several Gamers expressed anger at Bezouska for embrodering them in a steriods scandal that may cost them a shot at the playoffs.
LCF Brain Malefttone was quoted as saying, "Billy, it's bad enough that you don't even show up to your own meetings. But now you had to go and bring us all down in this steriods mess. Shameful. Absolutely shameful."
1b Zac Nicholson added, "I hope the poison ivy spreads to your testicles. Although, knowing you it probably already has."
Top hitting prospect Dave Kheel was called up from Triple A Cornell to take Bezouska's roster spot.
The 'cream' and the 'clear' made famous from testimony leaked to the San Francisco Chronicle during the BALCO investigations were both found in Bezouska's locker along with a bottle of oral steriods.
According to Matson, Bezouska claimed that the performance enhancing drugs were given to him over the counter by his family doctor to counteract the effects of poison ivy. Bezouska's claims however, fell on deaf ears, because according to several unnamed sources, the Gamers have long been under suspicion of steriod use.
The players that initially came under the most suspicion were Scott Zimmerman, Dave Roll, Johnny Vasquez, Rob Rathbun and Scott Goldsmith.
Roll came right out and denied any wrong doing, saying, "Don't you think if I was using steriods, I would be hitting higher than .077?"
Vasquez apologized but wouldn't say what for. It's believed though that he was apologizing for letting the team down by not bringing Felix back with him this season and not for having used steriods.
Charges were also dropped against Goldsmith after eye witness accounts placed him at Synergy Gym during all 24 hours of operation on the dates in question.
Rathbun still remains in suspicion because his early season offensive production defies logic. He claims that like the Baltimore Orioles Brian Roberts, his production is the result of creatine and not human growth hormones.
After hearing of the suspension handed down to their manager, several Gamers expressed anger at Bezouska for embrodering them in a steriods scandal that may cost them a shot at the playoffs.
LCF Brain Malefttone was quoted as saying, "Billy, it's bad enough that you don't even show up to your own meetings. But now you had to go and bring us all down in this steriods mess. Shameful. Absolutely shameful."
1b Zac Nicholson added, "I hope the poison ivy spreads to your testicles. Although, knowing you it probably already has."
Top hitting prospect Dave Kheel was called up from Triple A Cornell to take Bezouska's roster spot.
Week in Review
It's been an interesting week to say the least. One filled with many ups and downs. First I was fired so I was sad. Then I realized that I had the time to start a blog so I was happy. Then I went to clean out my desk and say good bye to all of my friends at work so I was sad. But then I went to the Yankees game so I was happy. Then the Yankees won and won and won some more so I was both happy and sad. Happy because they were winning. But sad because the chances of General Manager Brian Cashman getting fired and me getting hired as the next GM of the Yankees were becoming more and more remote by the day. Oh, what a week.
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Ode to an Old Friend II
Another day, another birthday, or so it seems that way here in the month of May. Today is another historic day for it is the 23rd birthday of prehistoric bone finder/wannabe rock star Russell Martello.
Russell, better known as 'R-Mart', 'Russell the Muscle', 'Drago' or 'my bitch in basketball', depending on what day of the week it is, plans on spending his birthday with a good old fashioned BBQ and game of Texas Hold 'em.
Best wishes bro and maybe for your birthday I'll let you keep the $20 beans you owe me.
Russell, better known as 'R-Mart', 'Russell the Muscle', 'Drago' or 'my bitch in basketball', depending on what day of the week it is, plans on spending his birthday with a good old fashioned BBQ and game of Texas Hold 'em.
Best wishes bro and maybe for your birthday I'll let you keep the $20 beans you owe me.
Softball Week 2 Recap
Hungover Gamers Split Series - Ironically, on a day when star shortstop Rob Roll couldn't stop saying, "we are the damn thing doers because we do the damn thing", the gamers couldn't do a damn thing offensively in dropping the first game 2-4. Amazingly, it was the second straight pitcher's duel that the gamers have been in, a rarity in slow pitch softball, but this time they came up on the losing end.
In the second game, the lethargic Gamers again started out slowly but came to life as the game wore on. Inspired by the toughness of their official scorer, Heidi Holmgren, who stayed in the game despite getting hit in the side by an errant throw, the Gamers scratched out a come from behind 7-5 victory. They were led by the aggressive baserunning of Rob Roll, the clutch hitting of Rob Rathbun, and the impeccable fielding of the league's best defense.
In the second game, the lethargic Gamers again started out slowly but came to life as the game wore on. Inspired by the toughness of their official scorer, Heidi Holmgren, who stayed in the game despite getting hit in the side by an errant throw, the Gamers scratched out a come from behind 7-5 victory. They were led by the aggressive baserunning of Rob Roll, the clutch hitting of Rob Rathbun, and the impeccable fielding of the league's best defense.
Friday, May 13, 2005
Blowing Up Nation Wide
I just wanted to take a minute to let everyone know about another must read blog, "Malf's Mouth" by Brian "Schmalfowitz" Malfettone. Brian who resembles a cross between Ross from Friends, the Karate Kid, and Andy Pettitte has finally decided to get in on bloggging. A late bloomer with the ladies, it shouldn't surprise anyone that Brian is just now joining the rest of us in the 21st Century.
His decision to ride my coattails is just further proof of how much of a pop culture icon I am. It all started innocently enough with a few people repeating everything I say, most notably the catch phrase, "Fair Enough". But now it has reached the point where people are blogging just because I made it cool to do so.
If you don't believe me when I say that I am a pop culture icon, just check out Shames Mountain in British Columbia, Canada. (www.shamesmountain.com) That's right bitches. There's an entire mountain range named after me. All because of a few catch phrases.
Trust me, having an entire mountain range named after you is quite the honor but it still pales in comparison to the time Dave Chappelle dedicated several episodes to my greatness and made, "I'm Craig Shames bitch" a household saying.
His decision to ride my coattails is just further proof of how much of a pop culture icon I am. It all started innocently enough with a few people repeating everything I say, most notably the catch phrase, "Fair Enough". But now it has reached the point where people are blogging just because I made it cool to do so.
If you don't believe me when I say that I am a pop culture icon, just check out Shames Mountain in British Columbia, Canada. (www.shamesmountain.com) That's right bitches. There's an entire mountain range named after me. All because of a few catch phrases.
Trust me, having an entire mountain range named after you is quite the honor but it still pales in comparison to the time Dave Chappelle dedicated several episodes to my greatness and made, "I'm Craig Shames bitch" a household saying.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
An Ode to an Old Friend
Today, May 12th is a day that will live in infamy for today is the birthday of the legendary Brian "Big Pappa" Berkowicz. Thought by some to be the spawn of Shaquielle O'Neal because of their similar eating habits and the fact that they share the same agent, "Baby Shaq" has become a force to be reckoned with in the South Florida dating scene.
Yoga instructors, personal trainers, strippers, foreign exchange students, and porn stars alike have all fallen under the spell of Berkowicz's charm, i.e. they were all clubbed over the head and dragged back to a cave, er his apartment.
Kidding aside, Brian is a great guy worthy of all your praise. Or your scorn, considering that it was Brian who turned me into the annoying headcase that I am today.
Cheers bro. Happy 23rd!
P.S: Maybe next year I'll remember.
Yoga instructors, personal trainers, strippers, foreign exchange students, and porn stars alike have all fallen under the spell of Berkowicz's charm, i.e. they were all clubbed over the head and dragged back to a cave, er his apartment.
Kidding aside, Brian is a great guy worthy of all your praise. Or your scorn, considering that it was Brian who turned me into the annoying headcase that I am today.
Cheers bro. Happy 23rd!
P.S: Maybe next year I'll remember.
The Worst Part About Getting Fired.....
is having the time to go to the dentist. Man, do I hate the dentist. Not my actual dentist. He's actually pretty cool because he hooks me up with Knicks tickets. But rather, I hate, as we all do, the experience of going to the dentist.
The worse part of the whole experience for me is that I never know what to do with my tongue. I'm always afriad that in a sub conscious attempt to get some action, my tongue is going to stray over to the suction tube and start making out with it.
Seriously though, I think I'd rather watch the Chronicles of Riddick or any movie with a Friends cast member in it than go to the Dentist. Heck, if I had a choice between going to the Dentist or becoming a Red Sox fan, I think the next words out of my mouth would be, "Jeter Sucks, AROD Swallows!"
The worse part of the whole experience for me is that I never know what to do with my tongue. I'm always afriad that in a sub conscious attempt to get some action, my tongue is going to stray over to the suction tube and start making out with it.
Seriously though, I think I'd rather watch the Chronicles of Riddick or any movie with a Friends cast member in it than go to the Dentist. Heck, if I had a choice between going to the Dentist or becoming a Red Sox fan, I think the next words out of my mouth would be, "Jeter Sucks, AROD Swallows!"
Help me pick a nickname!!!!!
In order to be considered a great athlete you first have to have a kick ass nick name. It's a prerequisite of sorts. That's why Wayne Gretzky, "The Great One", Michael "Air" Jordan, George Herman "Babe" Ruth and Jerry "Pork Fried" Rice have all dominated their respective sports.
However, a great nickname isn't always enough to get you into the Hall of Fame as Hensley "Bam Bam" Mueluens can attest to. But it can get you an endorsement deal as Cincinnatti Bengals WR Chad Johnson now receives a lifetime supply of slurpies after calling himself 7/11 because he's always open.
Presently, my dilemma is that I need to pick a nickname to go on the back of my softball jersey. A nickname so devastating it would strike fear into the hearts of my opponents even though it would be on the back of my jersey and they wouldn't be able to see it while I pitched to them. Nonetheless, my options are C Money, Afropatch, Headcase, JDATE, Maddux, Waldo, J. Neutron, H. Potter, and A. Aardvark.
Let me know which one I should go with. And please come up with something better than that. My inclusion in the ABA Softball Hall of Fame depends on it.
However, a great nickname isn't always enough to get you into the Hall of Fame as Hensley "Bam Bam" Mueluens can attest to. But it can get you an endorsement deal as Cincinnatti Bengals WR Chad Johnson now receives a lifetime supply of slurpies after calling himself 7/11 because he's always open.
Presently, my dilemma is that I need to pick a nickname to go on the back of my softball jersey. A nickname so devastating it would strike fear into the hearts of my opponents even though it would be on the back of my jersey and they wouldn't be able to see it while I pitched to them. Nonetheless, my options are C Money, Afropatch, Headcase, JDATE, Maddux, Waldo, J. Neutron, H. Potter, and A. Aardvark.
Let me know which one I should go with. And please come up with something better than that. My inclusion in the ABA Softball Hall of Fame depends on it.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
The House That Ruth Built
What a great night for a baseball game. Not a cloud in the sky. A very comfortable temperature. And I'm not exaggerating when I say that Yankee Stadium looked absolutely majestic under the black canvas of the clear night sky.
Sitting eight rows behind the Yankee dugout we had a great view of all the players as they came on and off the field. We were so close that as my friend Billy pointed out you could actually see AROD's lips start to turn purple as the temperature dropped below 55. So close that you could actually hear Hideki Matsui curse in Japanese after each weak pop up. So close that you could actually see Gary Sheffield's face cringe after a heckler yelled, "R. Kelly peed on your wive!"
I got a lot of pictures including one of the back of Derek Jeter's father's head, as Mr. Jeter was only four rows ahead of us. All in all, I took 9 pictures, 7 of which were of DJ or his family, which may or may not mean that I have a thing for Derek Jeter. It's just that I didn't want to waste good film on Robinson Cano.
Sitting eight rows behind the Yankee dugout we had a great view of all the players as they came on and off the field. We were so close that as my friend Billy pointed out you could actually see AROD's lips start to turn purple as the temperature dropped below 55. So close that you could actually hear Hideki Matsui curse in Japanese after each weak pop up. So close that you could actually see Gary Sheffield's face cringe after a heckler yelled, "R. Kelly peed on your wive!"
I got a lot of pictures including one of the back of Derek Jeter's father's head, as Mr. Jeter was only four rows ahead of us. All in all, I took 9 pictures, 7 of which were of DJ or his family, which may or may not mean that I have a thing for Derek Jeter. It's just that I didn't want to waste good film on Robinson Cano.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Where do I go from here?
A lot of people have been asking me what I plan on doing now that I have joined Gary Coleman, Mr. T and Vanilla Ice in the land of the unemployed. Assuming that a guest appearance on the surreal life is out of the question, my best bet is to sleep until 2 pm every day, eat lots of pathmark brand sherbet and check people's away messages.
Other than that your guess is as good as mine. Although, as fate would have it, when I came home Friday afternoon after getting fired I was greeted by my mom's discovery of a long lost journal that I was writing in as a prelude to publishing the next great american novel. If the discovery of said journal on the day I get fired isn't a sign that I should launch my career as a novelist then I don't know what is.
Other than that your guess is as good as mine. Although, as fate would have it, when I came home Friday afternoon after getting fired I was greeted by my mom's discovery of a long lost journal that I was writing in as a prelude to publishing the next great american novel. If the discovery of said journal on the day I get fired isn't a sign that I should launch my career as a novelist then I don't know what is.
Monday, May 09, 2005
On Getting Fired.....
For a moment there, as I began to process the words, "your fired", I thought I was on a reality t.v. show. But then I began to realize that reality t.v. shows and I don't get along (i.e. Dream Job, American Candidate, Real World, etc.)
Once the reality of it began to set in I immediately started to think of what this would mean to my social life. There would be no more friday afternoon happy hours or high powered networking lunches. And then I realized that I don't drink and that I eat lunch by myself.
In actuality, I think this may have been a good thing. I'll now have the time to check all 21 of my fantasy baseball teams, catch up on the last five issues of Maxim that I haven't read yet (including a British version that I bought last week out of curiousity and bc I thought Keira Knightley might be in it), start a season of MLB 2k4 on PlayStation, and last but not least search for russian mail order brides to import as my date to my sisters wedding. Heck, I might even start going to the gym. That's right the gym that I joined six months ago and have been to five times since.
Once the reality of it began to set in I immediately started to think of what this would mean to my social life. There would be no more friday afternoon happy hours or high powered networking lunches. And then I realized that I don't drink and that I eat lunch by myself.
In actuality, I think this may have been a good thing. I'll now have the time to check all 21 of my fantasy baseball teams, catch up on the last five issues of Maxim that I haven't read yet (including a British version that I bought last week out of curiousity and bc I thought Keira Knightley might be in it), start a season of MLB 2k4 on PlayStation, and last but not least search for russian mail order brides to import as my date to my sisters wedding. Heck, I might even start going to the gym. That's right the gym that I joined six months ago and have been to five times since.
Softball
I am a softball god.....Here's the proof:
ABA Sports of Long IslandSunday, May 08, 2005(5/7/05) - In their first action of the year the Gamers rode a 11 run second inning in route to a 16-6 game one victory. In game two, the bats went silent but they still found a way to win, 5-0 behind the brilliant pitching of staff ace Craig "Afropatch" Shames. Shames escaped a bases loaded no out jam in the first inning to set the tone for the rest of the game. Shames was aided by flawless middle-infield play by 2B Rob Rathbun and SS Rob Roll, and by a shutout saving 7th inning diving catch by CF Scott "Dirk Diggler" Goldsmith. After the game, Skipper William Bezouska was quoted as saying, "Runs are overrated in slow pitch softball."
ABA Sports of Long IslandSunday, May 08, 2005(5/7/05) - In their first action of the year the Gamers rode a 11 run second inning in route to a 16-6 game one victory. In game two, the bats went silent but they still found a way to win, 5-0 behind the brilliant pitching of staff ace Craig "Afropatch" Shames. Shames escaped a bases loaded no out jam in the first inning to set the tone for the rest of the game. Shames was aided by flawless middle-infield play by 2B Rob Rathbun and SS Rob Roll, and by a shutout saving 7th inning diving catch by CF Scott "Dirk Diggler" Goldsmith. After the game, Skipper William Bezouska was quoted as saying, "Runs are overrated in slow pitch softball."
Sunday, May 08, 2005
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