Loss Leads to Flurry of Moves

Here's another spoof article that I wrote for my softball blog:

Long Island, NY - Overreacting as usual, Gamers principal owner George Steinbrenner has ordered General Manager Brian Cashman to make a series of roster moves in order to get the struggling Gamers playing up to their usual high standards of excellence.

The shake up comes on the heels of a four game spurt in which the Gamers have scored only four runs a game. They still managed to go 3-1 on the homestand, but their average margin of victory of only 1.5 runs per game has had Steinbrenner on edge. So much so, that according to several top aides, he has already fired 13 employees, and cancelled the team's dental coverage.

The spark that they hope ignites a fire under the team comes in the form of banishing star short stop Rob Roll to the California Penal League. Roll who has yet to hit a home run won't be allowed to return to the East Coast until he learns how to surf.

Also getting demoted were 3b Johnny Vasquez, LF Scott Goldsmith, 1b Zac Nicholson, and C Peter Hon. After announcing the moves, Steinbrenner issued this statement through his publicist Howard Rubenstein: "We would have cut Vasquez and Hon outright but we couldn't afford to lose their bats. Not their offensive production mind you. But their actual bats. Those are the only bats we have for the whole team."

Steinbrenner and Cashman also held a close door meeting after the game with struggling slugger Dave Roll and according to sources reportedly asked Roll to accept a demotion to the minors as well. However, Roll refused citing a provision in the Gamers constitution that states that at least one member of the Roll family must be on the team at all times.

To replace the five banished players who are now known as the "unfab five", the Gamers announced the signings of four scab replacment players from the Independent League team, the Baldwin Sailors.

According to rumors, if the shakeup doesn't help the Gamers score more than five runs, Steinbrenner will ban all girlfriends from attending games for the rest of the year.