New Years Resolutions

I resolve to:

Go to the gym so much that I make Flex Wheeler look like Pee Wee Herman.

Eat healthier and by that I mean cut down on my licorice in take from 7 bags a week to 5.

Stop being a cheap Jew although that's easier said than done.

Try not to rip off my friends in fantasy leagues.

Clean my room at least once a week.

Go out more socially.

Drink more.

Be more relaxed and just go with the flow.

Become a better softball pitcher.

Study more for my social studies area subject test.

Shave my back.

Stop stalking Natalie Portman.

Not make another resolutions list until next year.

Fearless Football Predictions: Week 17

It's been an up and down year for me with football picks. I called that the Colts would lose two straight to end their undefeated season and made some other great calls throughout the year but my overall record while over .500 wasn't good enough to catch Brian in our head to head competition. As such I've lost a game in intersport competition for the first time in three years. However, I'm still holding out hope of picking that elusive perfect week. Here's what I'm thinking:

Denver over San Diego: With the Chargers out of playoff contention and LT unlikely to play and with the Broncos playing for a first round bye expect them to pull out the win.

Giants over the Raiders: I don't particularly like the Giants playoff chances with QB Eli Manning struggling right now but they'll easily handle the injury depleted Raiders to win the NFC East.

Carolina over Atlanta: Michael Vick and co. have nothing to play for so the Panthers should win easily.

Baltimore over Cleveland: A toss up but since returning from injury Ravens QB Kyle Boller has had his moments so I'll go with him and the Ravens.

Seattle over Green Bay: Even with Seattle resting their key players they should still have enough talent to beat an injury depleted Green Bay team.

Indy over Arizona: If the Colts were playing a good team I might think about picking them to lose three weeks in a row but there's no way they can lose to the Cardinals.

KC over Cincy: The Bengals will make the playoffs for the first time in my life time but they'll stumble in after losing to KC in what should be a high scoring shootout.

New England over Miami: Against anyone else I might have picked the improving Dolphins to win but the Patriots are hot right now and could still wind up with the #2 seed so they have a lot to play for.

Buffalo over the Jets: This one won't even be close.

Pittsburgh over Detroit: Pitt should have no problem tuning up for the playoffs here.

TB over NO: Battle of the two name cities can only mean one thing: 140 yards for Cadillac Williams and a Bucs win.

Houtson over San Fran: They should have the winner get the #1 pick so that you don't have two teams trying to lose in what has amounted to the Reggie Bush Bowl.

Jax over Tennessee: Is that how you spell Tennessee? Oh, who cares? Jacksonville's going to win no matter how you spell it.

Chicago over Minnesota: Maybe if they were playing pin the tail on the stripper and not football the Vikings would have a chance.

Philly over Washington: The Redskins are one of the hottest teams in the league right now and need a win to make the playoffs. The Eagles are done but would still love to play spoiler in an intradivision game.

Dallas over St. Louis: Questionable call lifts the Cowboys into the playoffs. No wait, that was last week.

Which means the playoff teams will be:

NFC - Giants, Bears, Panthers, Bucaneers, Seahawks, and Cowboys.

AFC - Broncos, Colts, Patriots, Bengals, Steelers, and Jacksonville.

First Annual Blog Awards

Best Article

A lot of great nominees but in the end I have to give the nod to 'Rob Roll's Guide To Being A Better Baller'. (http://imaheadcase.blogspot.com/2005/09/rob-rolls-official-guide-to-being.html) Partly because I like the title but primarily to appease Rob so that he'll set me up with some of his new girl's hot jewish friends.

Best Title

It came down to Craig Shames and the Harry Potter Comparisons, Weakened Update, and Voluntears and I'm proud to say that Harry Potter took home the gold. After all, how could an article that compares me to Arthur the Aardvark and Jimmy Neutron not win?

Best Multiple Day Post

In a landslide, the winner was the history of my life. Trust me it was more exciting than it sounds.

Best Moment

Getting republished in the Chicago Tribune and setting off a feminist firestorm. I could write every day for the rest of my life and I might never blow up nationwide like that ever again.

Best mock real life event

In a year in which I held a Spelling Bee reenactmant, NBA Draft of my friends, and mock Movie Awards presentation the clear cut winner was the Spelling Bee. The best part about that article is that Brian B. will forever be linked to chlamydia whenever someone googles his name.

Best reoccuring column

The only way really to maintain a blog on a daily basis is to have some built in features. From football picks to photo exposes there were a lot of reoccuring features but in the end it came down to Shame(s) on You, Craig's Lists, and Week In Review and the winner was Shame(s) on You. After how could a column that got syndicated (www.s39online.com) not win?

Best Comment

Anyone who resorts to posting anonymously as a hot girl just to give themselves a compliment deserves to win. That's why Brian M takes home the trophy this year in this highly competitive category.

2005 Blog In Review

I could ask a hundred people what their favorite part about my blog is and after the first 95 say that they've never even heard of it the remaining 5 would probably give me 5 different answers. It was hard for me too after 8 months of blogging to come up with all inclusive list of my favorite moments. As such, I've decided to recap the highlights in a chronological look at the Chronicles of Craig:

5/8/2005 - My blog debuts: All events in my life prior to this date will now be referred to as B.B. (before blogging).

5/11/2005 - I figure out how to integrate pictures into my blog which doesn't sound like much but is a big step for me considering that I still don't know how to work a VCR. I've got to be the worst nerd ever.

5/13/2005 - I google myself and find out that there's a mountain named after me. (www.shamesmountain.com)

5/20/2005 - First Star Wars reference appears. Blog readership dwindles from 9 to 4.

6/09/2005 - By popular demand excerpts from the infamous 'ruminations on college recruiting life' debut.

6/13/2005 - Introduce my theory of virginity in which a new base scale is introduced. First base is no longer kissing, its now briefly touching the hand of a female cashier as she gives you your change back. Hilarity ensues.

6/18/2005 - A recap of my 'Shame(s) on You' story about female NASCAR drive Danica Patrick gets printed in the Chicago Tribue. Angry feminists proceed to rip my blog. All hell breaks lose.

6/27/2005 - I write about scientology and come up with great lines including this one: After all, if there really was a God don't you think he would have found a way to keep Joan of Arcadia on the air?

Week of 7/5/2005 - In honor of taking some history courses at NCC I spend a week filling everyone in on the history of my life. The verdict is still out on which was more boring: reading about my life or reading about life in Mongolia in the 1600's.

8/4/2005 - I find out about myspace. I begrudingly join even though I don't want to conform with society.

8/11/2005 - The first installment of Craig's Lists debuts. Surprisingly no lawsuit yet. Although I wasn't so lucky in regards to that Derek Jeter restraining order.

8/25/2005 - NU President Freeland resigns. I nominate myself to replace him. Collective laugh from search committe could be heard all the way from Boston.

9/15/2005 - 'Rob Roll's Guide To Being a Better Baller' becomes an instant phenomenom. Kind of like Anna Kournikova but with less google searches.

10/26/2005- My first 'Whole Lot of Shame' article debuts which is a good thing since I'm the kind of guy who could complain about anything even Heaven.

11/23/2005 - I rip Sodoku further negating whatever credibility I may have had since I'm now addicted to it.

11/30/2005 - After six months I finally get a job! Blog to suffer.

12/19/2005 - I post my top ten list of celebs that I think are hot. Not surprisingly, no one agrees with my order.

12/28/2005 - I waste my night writing a Blog In Review.

Change of Plans

I know that I said I was going to unveil a list of my best one liners from the past eight months today but while rereading my blog to come up with said list I realized that it was an exercise in futility. You see I ran into the problem of having said too many funny things to justify coming up with a list of them.

Well, that and 8 months worth of archived blogs was just too much for even me to read and I wrote that crap. I can't imagine someone else coming along and sitting down to read that grammatically incorrect psycho babble.

Which is why tomorrow I'll make it easier on myself and all of you and just recap my favorite blog moments. Then on Thursday I'll nominate and give out the awards at the same time. The rest of the schedule should remain the same.

Until then I'm going to ponder how it is that I woke up over the weekend suddenly smart enough to figure out how to solve Sodoku puzzles of all levels. I went from not being able to do even one row of it to being able to beat them in under 15 minutes. I must be getting smarter from not having sex just like George in that classic Seinfeld episode. But if that's the case why did it take so long for my brains to kick in? I should have been in Mensa by now!

First Annual Blog In Review Week

After 8 months of sharing every single thought I've had with the world it's finally time to take a look back at all the crazy things I've said over the past year. All week long I'll be reminsicing about my favorite blog moments, giving out awards for the best articles and features, and recapping my wittiest comments.

Until then take a look at what people have been saying about your favorite blog:

Bunz120: im kinda addicted to ur blog.
Bunz120: there i said it.

PadresRule2000: so ill let you go.
PadresRule2000: and wait in anticipation for your football picks.

WhtnyB212: I can honestly say that I am a better person for having read it.

mpsechrist: btw, ur blog story is the funniest thing that i have ever heard come from you or related to you.

JJ31670: craig this whole thing is histerical ... could be one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

TullyFRL: tribune eh? mabye you have found your calling.......an act that completley bombs on stage actually works in blog form.

D0NNELLAN: it takes up too much of my time.
D0NNELLAN: i'd rather waste my time reading about you being banned from pitching.

LiLcAfFeLlE1991: beauty and the geek huh
LiLcAfFeLlE1991: your the man
LiLcAfFeLlE1991: o yeah and i love the blog dude keep it coming

Fritz: dude! you should try being a stand up comedian with your thoughts. hilarious!

Royals01: craig I think u should just become a columnist lol....ur blogs are some funny shit.

RockinTheCasbah9: I wanna see some nice shame-o-matic predictions.

PadresRule2000: its good
PadresRule2000: it gets people fired up
PadresRule2000: like the time that dumb feminist bitch got all mad

***Thanks to all for having the patience to read my random thoughts every single day. You're my motivation for not missing a day.

Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

I'm more self absorbed than a sponge.

If no two snowflakes or fingerprints are alike does that also imply that no two farts smell alike?

How can fruit be out of season? Isn't it in season some where in the world at all times?

How can you have more than one infiniti?

If it's the thought that counts this time of year does that mean that it's okay for you to not do anything if you see someone getting mugged as long as you thought about getting help?

How can a stroke be mild?

If I wear stain resistant pants when it rains out will I still get wet?

Is it me or is Christmas a little anticlimatic? I mean you start out with Christmas eve then open up presents on Christmas morning followed by a festive Christmas day. But by the time Christmas night rolls around everyone's passed out from egg nog and in bed by 10 pm. Shouldn't you end Christmas night with a big blowout, especially since there's no school or work the next day?

I thought video games were supposed to be realistic? Then if that's the case how come there's a commercial for a new NBA game that shows Shaquielle O'Neal hitting a free throw?

Whenever you can't think of something to say try making up a word in Yiddish. It's guaranteed to sound good in any situation. You got that you schmele?

How come Stephen King, Quentin Tarantino, and guys who wear Santa Clause outfits to football games are allowed to walk the streets?

From the NY Daily News horoscope on Thursday: Teach what you know to others and you will have great success. Now that's what I'm talking about. Although I got a fortune cookie once that said you will soon be very rich. I'm still waiting.

Does anybody else have a hard time telling New Hampshire and Rhode Island apart?

Off Track Humor

With the transit strike settled I thought it would be a good idea to make light of the situation with some comedic observations about our mass transit system. Enjoy:

How funny would it be if you're just sitting on the subway minding your own business and suddenly a woman just starting hanging upside down from the poll in the middle of the car.

Is it me or does the sound that the door makes when it closes increase in frequency after each time it tries to close? It's almost as if it sounds annoyed that it wasn't able to close the first time.

I hate people who try to squeeze onto an already packed car. Can't they see that there's no room for them? What do they think that somehow they're special and different in some way from all the other assholes who already tried to squeeze in but failed?

And why would you even want to be a 'squeezer'? After getting on you have to stand there knowing that everyone is giving you the evil eye for cutting off their circulation.

I also can't stand runners. If you're in good shape then yeah you could probably run for it and make it. But there are still some people who run even though they're carrying nine bags or weigh 300 pounds. These people should not be running. They're just like the chubby girls who wear tube tops and bare midrifts in the summer.

Why do they call it rush hour if it's longer than a hour?

I now know why they came up with the name straphangers. It's because after riding on a crowded subway for fifteen minutes you want to strap hang yourself.

Is it me or do the yellow safety lines in some new stations look like Legos?

The best part about the winter season is that it forces you to wear gloves on the train thereby protecting you from all the germs that are inevitably there.

Either they made the seats too close together on the new LIRR trains or the obsesity epidemic has hit home.

I love the people who think that they're too cool to hang onto something so they try to shift with the movement of the train like they're surfing but no matter how hard they try they still go flying when the train suddenly stops short.

Do you remember when you were younger and would stay up later than you were supposed to? Just as your parents would come in to your room you would make a quick dash for the bed and pretend to be fast asleep. Well I just wanted to say that pretending to be asleep on the train so that nobody will sit next to you doesn't work quite as well.

Are people that alcohol dependant that they can't make it home without drinking a beer on the train? I mean there's even a bar right in the middle of some platforms. Sometimes I think that Homer Simpson is running the MTA.

Fearless Football Predictions: Week 16

Two weeks two go which means just two chances left to have a perfect week. Last week I somehow knew that the Chargers were going to upset the Colts. This week what other crazy Shames-o-matic prediction will come true? You'll have to read on to see:

Redskins over the Giants: Since I'm no longer picking against Brian this must mean that I actually think that the Redskins will win. Which they will. They're one of the hottest teams in the league right now, are desperate to win out and make the playoffs, and most importantly the Giants have run out of co-owners to die and provide inspiration. Which means no 36-0 thumbing, a closer game, and a Redskins win on a late Eli Manning interception.

Bengals over the Bills: Not only do I think the Bengals will win but I think they'll score 40 points, and win by three touchdowns.

Cleveland over Pittsburgh: Upset city in steel city as the Charlie Frye and the Browns knock the Steelers from playoff contention.

San Diego over Kansas City: You don't knock off the undeafeted Colts just to lose the following week. The Chargers win over the Colts guarantees that they'll run the table and make the playoffs.

St. Louis over San Francisco: Like a large salad for a super model, the high powered Rams offense should be too much for the 49ers.

Miami over Tennessee: Ricky Williams will run for a 100 yards, Chris Chambers (no relation to Kim) will catch 10 balls for 130, and the Dolphins will win easily.

Detroit over New Orleans: If New Orleans wins, embattled Lions CEO Matt Millen will probably get a 5 year contract extension considering how things are run these days in Detroit.

Tampa Bay over Atlanta: In a game that could determine which of these teams makes the playoffs, the Chris Simms, Michael Clayton, Cadillac Williams led Bucs will get the job done and start a nice playoff run that could continue for 10 years.

Carolina over Dallas: The Cowboys collapse will be complete after Steve Smith burns them for mutliple scoring plays over 40 yards.

Houston over Jacksonville: Having already won last week the Texans might look to continue their roll rather than play for Reggie Bush. Considering how close they came to winning some of their earlier games they might not even be that bad of a team.

Arizona over Philly: Hey, why not?

Denver over Oakland: The Raiders unsettled QB situation and the fact that the Broncos killed the Raiders in their first meeting this year made me lean towards the mile high men.

Seattle over Indy: The Colts could still be in shock from last week and the death of Tony Dungy's son could prove to be a distraction. Plus the Seahawks are the NFC's best team. Could be a Super Bowl preview.

Chicago over Greenbay: The Rex Grossman show should continue with another big performance.

Baltimore over Minnesota: The Ravens aren't as bad as they've played this year, are they? We'll find out this week.

Patriots over the Jets: The Patriots are almost back to 100% and Tom Brady is having a MVP year which doesn't bode well for the Jets but does for their fans who have been rooting against the team since week 9.

Here's Johnny

I was so happy to wake up Wednesday morning and find out that the Yankees had signed Johnny Damon that I almost wasn't even upset anymore about the strike or the fact that I had just gotten four hours of sleep. Acquiring one of the premeire leadoff hitters and centerfielders in the game clear out of the blue will do that to you.

To make matters even better it's a move that directly weakens the rival Red Sox at the same time. Which brings up a good question. Can you name the Red Sox' centerfielder, shortstop or firstbaseman if the season were to start tomorrow? I can't. And I know the names of every single member of the Red Sox organization which doesn't bode well for your chances. But what we all can name is the Yankees projected batting order on opening day:

Damon, Cf

Jeter, SS

AROD, 3b

Giambi, 1b

Sheffield, Rf

Matsui, Lf

Posada, C

Cano, 2b

Williams, DH

And that sure brings a smile to my face even if it's too cold to actually move my face muscles into one.

What doesn't bring a smile to my face is the strike, the unbearable 3-4 hour commute each way, and the stubborness of union and elected officials to settle it. Here are some more things about the strike that piss me off more than crickets at night during the summer....

State of the Union, Part 2

I have so much to say about the TWU Strike that just one insanely long, overly dramatic post will not suffice. Instead I'm going to come out you with another post putting the finishing touches on my two day rant. Since these thoughts don't really fit in anywhere else I'm just going to present them in ruminations form:

A very important aspect of this whole strike that has so far gone unmentioned in the mainstream media is the increased threat of terrorism that this strike could lead to. Consider that for the last three days most of the subway stations have been left unguarded and have been devoid of police and MTA presence. This week would have been the perfect opportunity for terrorists to plant bombs in the stations. If there's an attack in the next few days the TWU will have blood on their hands.

Another untold story is the impact on New York's homeless. Without trains how will they spend their time? Where else will they get shelter for $2 a night? On the other hand I'm sure that some have already turned abandoned stations into makeshift shelters. Will the MTA find their way back to work blocked by a hoard of homeless people making themselves at home in the stations?

Something else that sticks in my crawl was the LIRR's response to the work stoppage. I must admit that they did an admirable job in accodomating 50,000-100,000 more people per rush hour than they normally have to. But it took them 24 hours to fully implement their contingency plan. What if the strike had only lasted for one day? Or what if there was a terrorist attack to the subway system and they had only a few hours to put a plan into affect. I'm sorry but 24 hours for a plan to be implemented is just way too long.

Speaking of poorly planned logistics the controlled environment within Penn Station was an absolute disaster that first night. To prevent a stampede they had certain entrances blocked off, forcing people to queue up in narrow areas to get to where they wanted to go. This was also partly done to allow for LIRR employees to check tickets at the door. Which was silly, they should have just let people ride for free if they didn't have a monthly pass. The end result was a sea of humanity all trying to squeeze into a few entrances after having to stand outside in the bitter cold for several hours. Eventually, they realized the error of their ways and opened up more entrances but by then it was too late. Why they didn't realize right off the bat that their plan wasn't working is beyond me.

Beyond poor logistical planning there was also poor execution. Officials wisely shut down the top level of the 59th street bridge to inbound traffic to allow for cars to have another couple of lanes to manuever home with. However, they failed to tell anybody and those lanes went unused Wednesday night. There's no point to that. No point at all.

There's also no point to the 4 person to a car rule they imposed on vehicles traveling downtown. If cars didn't have 4 people they could just pay someone $5 or $10 to get in the car with them and cross the check point. They would then get out and walk back across the checkpoint and do it all over again. If people are just going to blantantly violate the rule like that right in front of the police why even have a rule? And what's worse is that there was a surgeon driving by himself he needed to get to the hospital but because he was by himself they didn't let him through despite the fact that he was wearing his scrubs. So he had to go back home and get his wife and kids just to drive to the hospital.

I also can't stand price gaugers during time's of need. I've heard countless horror stories of cabbies jacking up the prices on a ride uptown. Similarly, there have been people who rented vans just so that they could drive around and charge people unfair amounts in an attempt to profit from the plight of others. Anybody who looks to profit from a terrorist attack, natural disaster, or man made disaster like this strike was, should be ashamed of themselves.

State of the Union

I'm sure by now that you've all heard about the New York City Transit Strike and have been waiting for me to say something about it. After all, how could someone who has an opinion about everything from the price of a box of cereal to the theory of evolution not have an opinion about a historic event that has crippled the economy and livelihood of one of the most important cities in modern civilization.

Well, fear not. I have a lot to say on the subject, so pull up a chair, crack open a beer, and relax while I ruminate and rant about a union that's more selfish than a ball hogging point guard.

First off, how dare they go on strike when the temperatures are in the teens, on the week before Christmas, amidst an economy that's still recovering from 9/11, while we're still at war with Iraq. Who needs terrorists when you have union workers. Which is why they should have known better. Rule #1 in the Union Guide To Striking is to have public support. Coming into this most people would have been for hard working laborers getting their just due in salary. But after the details have come out the public is all against the greedy TWU with the perception being that the union just wanted to get their share of the supposed one billion dollar surplus that was recently announced. Since most transit workers already make more money than most straphangers, riders aren't going to happily support a strike if it inconveniences them in the slightest way. If the TWU would have continued operating without a contract and then striked after the holidays they would have saved face. Now they're likely to get two black eyes instead of just one.

I meant that in a figurative sense and not in a literal sense since the days of goon squads are long gone. Or are they? I could just see an angry mob of Brooklynites walking across the Brooklyn Bridge, crowbars and 2x4's in hand, taking it to a crowd of picketers in Midtown. And honestly I wouldn't blame anyone if they went to those extremes. Consider these following horror travel stories:

1. My friend Anthony who lives in Bensonhurst had to walk 6 miles from his house to the water taxi in Bayridge since he couldn't hail a cab. After getting to the ferry he had to wait in the freezing cold for two hours before finally squeezing onto a boat. He said that people in line were passing out due to hypothermia from being out in the cold for so long. The whole idea of thousands of people crowding onto ferries reminds me of that scene in War of the Worlds where everyone was trying to escape the alien invasion by way of boat. It was absolute chaos and that doesn't even begin to describe what this next guy had to go through.

2. A guy, whose conversation I overheard on the LIRR, had to trek through 4 of the 5 boroughs just to make it home. He started at a construction site in the Bronx then after a long hard day of work had to take Metro North into Manhattan at which point he stood in line for hours to get on a LIRR train to Queens where he then hoped to make his way into Brooklyn. As I'm writing this he's probably still not home. The guy that he was talking to commented that Brooklyn is our 9th Ward an ominous comparison to the flooding in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. And I have to say that the comparision is dead on. Brooklyn with no way into the city other than by subway was the forgotten borough in all the contingency plans. Carpooling, ferries, ass backwards routes through Long Island all came up short. Brooklyn will forever be the face of this strike.

3. And what about my own travels. I left work at 4 pm to beat the rush but I soon realized that everyone else had the same idea as well. By the time I got to Penn Station there was complete and utter pandamonium. I would say that there were queues forming as people were boarding the trains but that would imply that there was some semblance of order. Rather it was more like a giant clusterfuck of humanity several city blocks wide. The kind of mob scene that you would expect to see at Walmart at 6am on Black Friday. One woman innocently asked, "I want to stand on line but I don't know where it is."

By the time I got home it was 8:30. Now you can strike all you want and make me late to work for the rest of time. I don't even mind walking 10 miles, battling the sub zero temperatures, being packed into a subway car like sardines, or getting trambled by a mob of people trying to get on the train. But when you make me get home at 8:30 and miss the first half hour of NCIS that's when I'm going to draw the line!

Where I really should have drawn the line is with the principle of why they are even striking. It's not like they are working under sweat shop like conditions for less than minimum wage. Quite the contrary. An entry level salary pays $41,000 a year. That's more than I make after spending $100,000 on a degree from a private university. Had I just dropped out of high school and gone to work for the MTA I would have been $200,000 richer than I am today.

Which is why this strike pisses off me and the millions of New Yorkers that depend on mass transit to earn a living. The greed of one union shouldn't affect everyone else. In fact, the mass transportation system is a public service. They shouldn't be allowed to strike or even have a union for that matter. Maybe it was necesasry back in the day but nowadays it's not necessary. They have good salaries. They have full benefits. They shouldn't be allowed to want more at the detriment to an entire city. There's a reason why this is the only transit union remaining in the country. And it's time for it to go.

Unfortunately, there's no one in government that has the balls to do anything about it. They just plan on fining the union a million dollars a day in hopes of bankrupting them. That may work but the strike could still go on for several days until that happens. Why doesn't someone step up and put an end to the strike by any means necessary. No more fines. No more court orders. Just end the strike already. If it's an illegal strike it should have been overturned at 12:02 am tuesday morning. What's taking so long?

While you ponder that also think about history. How we're living it right now. How this might be the last time you ever see a transit union strike or even exist after this gets settled. I have a feeling that the strikers might have struck out once we look back at the bigger picture. After all, a strike is more valuable as a threat than as an actual strike. A fact which the TWU may have learned the hard way.

Tis The Season....

for Jewish people to feel put out. Oh, come on, don't look at me like that. You know it's true. Every year around the holidays Jewish people have to endure countless indignities. Consider:

1. 4 weeks of Christmas songs on all the radio stations! If it wasn't for Adam Sandler would there be a single song about Chanukah?

2. Giant inflatable lawn decorations. As if christmas lights, nativity scenes, and reindeer replicas weren't bad enough now there are inflatable decorations of everything from snowglobes to the word NOEL. Funny but I don't see any giant inflatable menorahs!

3. No where to go to eat on Christmas Day forcing us to create a tradition of eating Chinese food and going to see a movie. On the other hand everything is open during Chanukah. What's up with that?

4. Having to go shopping. Chanukah wasn't originally intended to be a gift giving holiday but it's involved into one so that we can feel like we're not being left out this time of year. And to make matters worse we have to go out and buy presents for eight nights not just one!

5. Having to listen to carolers none of whom are singing dreidel, dreidel.

6. Having to see thousands of imposter Santa Clauses on street corners and in department stores while there has never been one person dressed up like the Chanukah man.

Now what say you to that?

The Hot List

Bars aren't just a good place to get your buddy piss ass drunk so that he can pass out and you can draw a giant penis on his forehead with a permanent marker. They're also a good place for debating everything and anything you can think of.

This weekend one such debate was over who's hot and who's not amongst celebrities. Since I'm so incredibly picky I said that the likes of Angelina Jolie, Trya Banks, Cameron Diaz, Tara Reid, Jessica Simpson, Pamela Anderson, and Eva Mendez were ugly. But all hope is not lost. There are actually people out there that even I find attractive. And those people are:

#1 Kiera Knightley - The best thing to come out of England since the Beatles.

#2: Brittany Snow - Now could someone please explain to me how a show starring Brittany could get cancelled?

#3: Kristen Bell - You may know her as Veronica Mars but I know her as the future Mrs. Shames.

#4: Kate Hudson - I couldn't have a celebrity list without mentioning at least one person accused of having an eating disorder could I?

#5: Natalie Portman - We both went to schools in Boston, we both grew up on Long Island, we're both Jewish, she was in Star Wars I saw Star Wars, etc. The parallels are endless...

#6: Emilie de Ravin - The hottest MILF ever.

#7: Elisha Cuthbert - I never had a neighbor like this.

#8: Vanessa Marcil - She could host a show titled "watching grass grow" and I would still watch.

#9: Alexis Bledel - So cute that she makes me want to voluntarily watch the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.

#10: Kiele Sanchez - Please no dirty sanchez jokes. Kiele is way too classy for that.

Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

I think I found a bigger Drama Queen than me...Nomar Garciaparra. Just make a freakin decision already.

Is it really necessary for mannequins to have nipples?

What's the point of a rebate? Why not just charge less?

I don't understand how people can afford to put up christmas lights. I can't even afford to put the light on when I'm reading.

Why is it that you only get an itch when your hands are full?

Does anybody else miss 'In Living Color'.

In the words of Stephen Colbert: do you have to be a hot brunette to work at MSNBC during the day?

If people have to pass a test in order to drive I think they should have to pass one in order to walk on crowded New York streets. If you think about it there are probably more traffic accidents that occur on foot than in cars.

If there wasn't free food at your work's holiday party would you go?

Wes from the Real World had a great line when he referred to bowel movements that disappear down the toilet as 'phantom poops'.

I must have really put a dent into the bottom line of the maker's of licorice nibs all these years. They just raised the prices by 25 cents.

I can't wait until I'm older so that I can play cards on the train.

Who needs long johns when you can just wear high socks and long shorts.

Is wastoid a real word?

So I got my photo id card for work the other day. As usual it's awful. My face is contorted into a half smile. It looks like I just got back from getting a novacaine shot from the Dentist.

If it wasn't for Adam Sandler would there be any songs about chanukah?

When most people get a job after a long time of being on unemployment they have a new found appreciation for it. Not me. Rather I have a new found appreciation for being unemployed considering I'm never going to have that much time off again in my life.

In thinking about the mass transit strike I realized that the only strike that's ever affected me was the MLB one in 1994. And boy did that ever affect me.

Playing video games before going out to the bar gives pregaming a whole new meaning.

Shames the Stockbroker

I'm a little disappointed in my friends and not because they forget about my half birthday every year. Rather I'm disappointed because recently none of them were creative enough to come up with the moniker, Shames the Stockbroker for me. Considering that I now work on Wall Street and that more trades have been going down in my fantasy basketball league than at the NASDAQ I thought someone would have dubbed me something by now.

Since they haven't I came up with Shames the Stockbroker all by myself and here's how I earned the name:

Through just the first quarter of the season, I've made seven blockbuster trades including 3 different ones with the same owner.

I've used 27 different guys.

Only three guys from my opening day team remain on my roster.

I've traded away guys and then reacquired those same guys at later dates.

I've made so many moves that no one can keep up with it. So much so that one owner recently asked me for a player that I had got ridden of three weeks earlier.

Now all of that is fine and dandy if you're just looking to make trades for the heck of it but I'm looking to do more than that. I'm looking to win the league which the team I drafted would not have been able to do. Here's a look at some of my other goals:

Set a fantasy record for most trades in a single season.

Trade away every single person I drafted. Then reacquire all of them to come full circle.

Trade with every owner at least once.

Use 50 players in one year.

Be involved in a pending transaction for two straight weeks.

And oh yeah, rub it in big time when I come all the way back to win!

Fearless Football Predictions: Week 15

With no chance to catch Brian I'm now just picking for fun and to try and pick that elusive perfect week. Here's what I'm thinking on the first weekend of Saturday and Sunday games:

Patriots over Tampa Bay: The Bucaneers are a strong team and should make the playoffs as a NFC wild card team but I think the Patriots will get on a roll heading into the playoffs winning their final three games.

Chiefs over the Giants: Both teams need to win to make the playoffs but I don't like the Giants chances if MLB Antonio Pierce and some of their offensive lineman don't play.

Denver over Buffalo: Both teams will look to run the ball and both might do it successfully but in the end the Broncos are the more complete team.

Seattle over Tennessee: Fantasy owners who don't have Shaun Alexander on their team rejoice! If the Seahawks win and lock up home field advantage throughout the playoffs you could catch a break since Alexander can't beat you in your league playoffs while resting on Seattle's bench.

San Diego over Indy: I think Hernandez and I might be the only two people picking the Chargers to win. But I'm not blinded by drunken allegiance to my favorite team. I'm hedging my beat on the Chargers playing for their playoff lives and the pressure of the undefeated season getting to the Colts.

Philly over St. Louis: Philly almost beat the Giants which indicates to me that they haven't given up yet and with a lot of talent still on the defensive side of the ball this should be a close game.

Jets over Miami: Jet fans might want the team to lose but I don't think Herman Edwards does.

Pittsburgh over Minnesota: I had the Vikings winning until charges were announced against four players steaming from the boat incident, including one charge involving a sex toy that I can't talk about on this family oriented blog. But definitely ask me about it in person.

Carolina over New Orleans: The Aaron "I'm no Brian Roberts" Brooks benching guarantees the Panthers a win.

Jacksonville over San Francisco: The only intrigue is whether or not Alex Smith will complete more passes than the peanut vendor. Wait a second do they even sell peanuts at football games?

Arizona over Houston: The Cardinals suck but at least they're not trying to lose on purpose.

Cincinnatti over Detroit: It wouldn't surprise me if the Lions pulled off the upset. No, wait. It would. A lot. A whole hell of a lot. Check that. It would shock me. A lot. Okay, I'm going to go now and write a sentence longer than 4 words. Hey, I just did it. Yay, me.

Cleveland over Oakland: In a battle of backup QB's I'll take Cleveland's 'French' Frye since all guys named Frye (Channing and Charlie) are good apparently.

Washington over Dallas: Surprisingly the Redskins could still win the division and with Drew Bledsoe struggling and the game in Washington the Skins should win a close one.

Chicago over Atlanta: An injured Michael Vick against the league's best defense is not a good combination.

Greenbay over Baltimore: In Gado I trust. And I'm atheist.

Office Space

And no I'm not talking about that cult classic movie starring that guy who never went on to do anything else. I'm talking about how much I like my new job and the people I work with. And I'm not just saying that in case they come across this blog while googling my name during a background check. I'm saying that because today was one of the funniest days of my life.

Just like 'Meet the Parents' the day started slowly but once the hijinxs got going they never stopped. I don't even remember how it all started but eventually I let it be known that I don't own a single CD and that the only concert I've ever been to was Christina Augielera with Destiny's Child. Most people woud have been embarrased especially with all of their new co-workers looking at them like they had three heads. But not me. For the first time in two weeks I felt right at home. Which is why I then pretended to not know who the Beattles were.

As the day went on my co-workers acquired a new found appreciation for that quiet guy who types really fast, coming to learn just how quirky I really am. And they had a ball with it. You should have seen their faces when I told them that I didn't know what nationality I was and proclaimed to be a mix of 1% of everything.

As the day wore on I continued to dumbfound everyone with my stories at one point commenting that I didn't know what operating system my PC was using and getting this one guy to remark, "I don't know why I bother asking, you don't know anything." Which I took as a compliment for some strange reason.

The highlight of the day though had to have been when my friend Anthony said that I look like the kind of guy who would run for the subway and then get stuck in the doors as they close. I don't know how someone could look like that type of person but apparently I do. He then said that I look like I would be into fantasy sports. Very true. But strangely, later said that I look like I enjoy eating. Hahah. Newbies. They've got a lot to learn. They've barely just scratched the surface of my quirkiness.

You Be The Judge

I thought I would mix things up today and introduce a game. It's called 'You Be The Judge' and consists of reading about the antics of several hypothetical people that I've created. Readers then have to decide whether or not the person in question fits their description. Descriptions aren't necessarily of real people. And away we go:

Is this person turning gay?

Recently exclaimed that "In Good Company" was the greatest movie ever. And not because it stars Scarlett Johansson but rather because he actually thought it was good.

Spent his Saturday night baking cookies.

Went to Blockbuster to rent a video game and passed up Medal of Honor for Mario Tennis.

Is this person funny?

Came up with the lines:

"I've touched more Latin ass than a toilet at immigration!"

"Anna Nicole Smith didn't lose weight from trim spa ... she stopped swallowing."

"Hear the news about Britney Spears? .... No? Well that's because no one cares about women after they get fat."

Is this person a drug dealer?

Hangs out in parking lots.

Spends countless Friday nights entering into Texas Hold 'Em tournaments shadily run out of the back of convenience stores.

Has a disproportionately hot girlfriend.

Is this person unemployed?

Spends 10 hours a day playing online poker.

Stays up late enough to watch the Daily Show and then sleeps late enough to catch the Colbert Report on repeat upon waking up.

Goes to the gym twice a day.

Is this person trying to win or lose his fantasy basketball league?

Trades away Lebron James, Yao Ming, Shaquielle O'Neal, Larry Hughes, Dwight Howard, Ben Wallace and Lamar Odom.

But acquires Jason Richardson, Chris Paul, Ron Artest, Memhet Okur and a bunch of other scrubs who are playing well.

Does this person have a life?

Is in 25 fantasy football leagues.

Spends all his free time blogging.

Still lives at home in his parent's basement.


Well you be the judge. What do you think?

Holiday Wishlist

It's never too early to write to Santa Clause even if you're Jewish and believe in the Chanukah man. Here's a relatively early look at what I hope is in my stocking:

1. TiVo! I sure could have used it last week when the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show aired.

2. DVD's like Wedding Crashers, The War of the Worlds, and the documentary of my life, The 40 Year Old Virgin. Although I'd take anything just to add to my growing collection. But keep in mind when buying DVD's that I don't like good movies that win academy awards. You can take your Rays and Beautiful Minds and shove them Sideways up your you know what. Only corny big budget blockbusters like National Treasure for me.

3. A poster of Brittany Snow. You're never too old to hang posters on your walls. And considering that I still pee at the mini-urinal I'm definitely not too old.

4. Tickets to a Florida Marlins game. After their recent fire sale I should have a great shot at catching a foul ball once I move down to Florida. In fact, I might even have an entire section all to myself. It's going to be great.

5. A Hurricane Survival Kit, i.e. a year's subscription to magazines like Maxim and Sports Illustrated. I know it'll be tempting to get me Highlights but please refrain.

6. Considering that I get my news from Comedy Central I think it would be fitting to finally get Democracy Inaction by Jon Stewart and the writers of the Daily Show. Anybody who can make politics interesting deserves an award. Or at least for me to increase the bottom line of their book sales.

7. A Derek Jeter jersey. The best part about moving to Florida isn't the weather or the girls. It's the fact that I can wear Yankees paraphenelia and not fear for my life. The coveted #2 jersey would top it all off.

"Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?"

Starting a US National Team?

After watching JJ Redick drop 41 points on second ranked Texas in a 31 point Duke win on Saturday I actually felt bad. Not for the Longhorns or more specifically the guy who had to guard Redick. But rather for Redick himself.

You see, JJ might be one of the best shooters in college basketball history but it's not likely that his game will transfer over well to the NBA. If anything he'll be just another three point shooting specialist. Just another Steve Kerr.

Which got me thinking. Why not start a US National Basketball Team that would practice year round and represent the U.S. at the World Championships and in the Olympics? One of the knocks on recent US all star teams that failed to win the Gold medal was that they didn't have enough practice time before competing. Creating a national team as some pundits have suggested would solve that.

The problem however would be in assembling a good enough team since the top players would still be in the NBA. To rectify that problem I have assembled a team of high schoolers, college players, And One Mixed Tape Tour ballers, and NBA benchwarmers that could do more for their country by coming together as a team than they ever could for their individual careers if they stayed on the solo path.

Here's what I came up with. I hope you're listening U.S. Olympic Selection Team.

Guards

1. JJ Redick: A shooter so talented that he made me want to build a team around him just so that he can continue playing at a high level after college. The selection committee has said that they need to assemble a team with several long range threats to adjust to the international game. Carmelo Anthony and his shaking and baking will take a back seat to sharp shooting guards like Redick.

2. Gerry McNamara: Another college star who probably won't be a high draft pick, if he's drafted at all. He's a great shooter though and natural born leader who would be one of my co-captains.

3. Jason Williams: For some players this national team could be an opportunity to prove to NBA teams that they can play in the league. One such player who could benefit greatly from playing on the national team is Duke's former All American, Jason Williams whose NBA career has been stalled by a motorcycle accident. If he's healthy he can have a spot on my team as a showcase for NBA scouts.

4. Reggie Miller: Every team needs a veteran presence to help guide the younger guys. And who better to teach Redick and McNamara than one of the NBA's all time great three point shooters and a guy whose been on Gold medal winning Olympic teams.

5. The Professor: I'm only half kidding about adding this 'And One Mixed Taped Tour' baller but in theory it might not be a bad idea to scour our nation's playgrounds for a ballhandler with great court vision who can handle the point guard position and help to break presses.

Forwards

6. Sheldon Williams: "The Landlord" might be a top ten pick in next year's draft but he's also a guy who could slip because he's a tweener, a guy whose too small to be a center and not atheltic enough to guard forwards. He could have a home though on my team and considering a Duke heavy roster that could be coached by Coach K it makes sense.

7. Eddie Griffin: A former first round draft pick whose bottomed out and ran into off the court problems this is the kind of player who could benefit from a stable situation. The team would benefit from his athleticism if he were added.

8. Randolph Morris: This Kentucky big man was recently ruled ineligible because he signed with an agent last year when he came out for the draft. Like a lot of talented guys who get bad advice he went undrafted and now can't play in college. This is exactly the kind of guy who could find a home on a national team.

9. Ron Artest: I'm looking for an established NBA star to give up his NBA stardom and become the face of USA Basketball. Artest, a perennial defensive player of the year, is such a headcase that he might just come on board.

10. Al Jefferson: This young Celtics forward could be the next Jermaine O'Neal, a guy who skipped college and developed into a big player after a few years of learning via trial by fire. He also could develop while starting on a US National Team.

Centers

11. Andrew Bynum: This young Lakers center also skipped college and is a few years away from starting in the NBA. Why not develop on my team with the Lakers retaining his rights should he chose to go back to the NBA.

12. Jackie Butler: Only 20, this former CBA big man could be a force if he can find his way into Larry Brown's rotation in New York. The problem is that he might sit behind Eddy Curry and Jerome James which means he might benefit from playing on a national team.

With that roster a potential starting lineup could look like this:

PG: McNamara
SG: Redick
SF: Artest
PF: Jefferson
C: Butler

And that's not half bad.

Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

Why are boxing matches scored 10-9. Wouldn't it be easier to just do 1-0 for each round? You either won the round or you didn't.

I don't get why they call billards pool. There's no water.

Speaking of water, I have a burning desire to use a slip and slide.

Is there anything more awkward than walking down a long hallway at work with someone you kinda know walking towards you?

I don't know what it is about working in an office but everytime I do I'm inspired to write a book, clean my room, or start my own business.

Someone at the WB sure must like aliteration after coming up with the Gilmore Girls and now the Sorelli Sisters. I know it's kinda gay that I just made that point but hey someone's gotta point out this crap.

I think I could survive an elevator freefall if I jump up right before it's about to hit the ground. That way I'd only fall 6 inches and not several dozen stories.

I find it hard to believe that no two snowflakes are alike. There's no way to prove it either way so I guess I have to take their word for it. But I seriously doubt that across the entire planet, throughout all of time, no two snowflakes have been alike. Don't they have to run out of possible combinations at some point in history?

How come a woman can refer to her friends as being her girlfriends without sounding gay but if a guy refers to his friend as his boyfriend everyone immediately assumes he's gay?

Does anyone else enjoy picking out the lint from their bellybutton as much as I do?

Chris, one of the other interns I work with, had the line of the week when talking about the World Baseball Classic he said, "I wonder if Fred McGriff is going to play for Ireland?"

They say that rugs absorb sound. So does that mean if I go bald and get a wig that I'll have a hard time hearing?

Who is this long John person I hear so much about every winter?

The Sons of Italy

I'm not Italian but I do own a Scarface poster and have seen a few episodes of the Sopranos so I thought I would swing by the Sons of Italy' Rocky Marciano club in Oceanside last night to play a little Texas Hold 'Em poker with a bunch of old Italian men.

Being the high roller that I am I had no qualms with throwing down the $80 entry fee and took my seat at table #3. As I did I was reminded of movies like Rounders and Ocean's 11 even though the only similarities between last night and those movies was that gambling was involved. Although in my case I'm not sure if you can call what I did last night gambling.

Being about as lucky as the Chicago Cubs, I got no cards and the first time I did I lost $200. So after about a half an hour of play I went all in after being dealt a King/Jack hoping one would come up on the turn or river. It didn't, the whole table laughed at me for making such a stupid play, and I had to take the walk of shame being the second person eliminated in the whole tournament! And the worst part is that I still had to wait for Brian to be done so I could get a ride home!

That's the last time I pretend to be Italian or a poker player. I think I'll just stick with pretending to be funny.

Fearless Football Predictions: Week 14

Having now reached a deficit too high to even make pedophile jokes about I've decided to stop trying to catch Brian and just see if I can have a perfect week to restore my credibilty as a master football picker. Here's what I'm thinking:

New England over Buffalo: Pathetically the Patriots can clinch the division with a win which is amazing since it'll be their 8th win in week 14. Usually an 8 win team can't clinch until the last week of the season. That's how bad the AFC East has been.

Cincinnatti over Cleveland: If they can beat the Steelers they'll definitely beat the Browns. And they might do it Jim Kelly style. In a no huddle offense for the entire game.

Tennessee over Houston: The only thing more shameful than the Texans trying to lose on purpose was my choke job in the softball playoffs this year. Somehow this might be worse. Normally, this would be the spot where I pick the Texans to win. But sine they're intent on landing Reggie Bush the Titans will come from behind and win in the fourth quarter.

Minnesota over St. Louis: It might be too little too late to make the playoffs but the Vikings should keep winning.

Oakland over the Jets: The highly anticpated, long awaited Lamont Jordan reunion game. Just like most people's high school reunions no one will show up. Not even the Jets.

Chicago over Pittsburgh: Is there room on the bandwagon for one more?

Carolina over Tampa Bay: If I think the Panthers will be in the NFC title game and the Bucs won't I have to pick the Panthers in this spot.

Indy over Jacksonville: The Jaguars have been playing the Colts tough the last few years but there's no way the Colts are losing this year.

Giants over the Eagles: This game could be a stumbling block for the Giants even with the Eagles playing without their big three. But Eli Manning should pull it out in the 4th quarter again.

Washington over Arizona: The Redskins might not be able to make the playoffs but Joe Gibbs will still have them playing hard.

Seattle over San Francisco: The 49ers gave the Seahawks a scare the last time they played. That won't happpen this time.

KC over Dallas: A lot of people will be picking the Cowboys but with the Giants poised to win the NFC East I could see the younger Cowboys folding down the stretch. Plus I really like the Chiefs now that Larry Johnson is the main running back. He's running like a fat guy chasing an ice cream truck.

Denver over Baltimore: The only intrigue will be whether or not Jamal Lewis can gain more than 30 yards rushing. How far he's fallen reminds me the time at Northeastern when I saw former presidential candidate Michael Dukakis rummaging through a garbage can looking for cans of soda to redeem at the supermarket.

San Diego over Miami: See Wednesday's post.

Green Bay over Detroit: Brett Farve's last prime time appearance? Will he go out on top? Will anybody watch?

Atlanta over New Orleans: I actually forgot to pick this game when I originally posted because it's such a foregone conclusion that the Falcons will win.

The Bell Tolls For Me

Move over Kiera Knightley. Step aside Natalie Portman. Take a seat Sophia Bush. I have a new crush. Someone so hot that she makes Brittany Snow look like my ass when I was going through puberty. And that someone is none other than Veronica Mars' Kristen Bell.

I usually watch crappy ass shows that question my sexuality and maturity like the Gilmore Girls and One Tree Hill just because they star someone I fancy. But for whatever reason I never got into Veronica Mars (think Buffy the Vampire Slayer but with crime solving not vampire slaying) despite the fact that I thought the lead girl was hot.

I wish I had though because after coming across Ms. Bell in a recent magazine article I instantly fell in love. It's girls like this that made me want to try out for the Beauty and the Geek. Had I been selected I could have parlayed my trip to Hollywood into a chance encounter with Kristen. And then who knows. Instead, I'm stuck on Long Island, on the other side of the country and as far away from Kristen's thoughts as Mars is to Earth, pun definitely intended.

I know I should try to get a real girlfriend rather than holding out hope that I can one day meet the new love of my life. But take a look at that picture and tell me how that's going to be possible.

The Bell of the Ball.

The San Diego Super Chargers

A recent conversation I had with my friend Hernandez from Northeastern went something like this: (Keep in mind that Hernandez thinks he's a surfer even though in the words of Brian B he has the balance of a black toddler.)

Me: "Holla."

Hernandez: "Yo, Shames. I like your blog. It gets people fired up man. Like those dumb feminist bitches. Dude, you should write about sports more. Especially the San Diego Super Chargers. Woohoo!"

And never one to disappoint a fan here's my take on the big issues facing the Bolts:

1. To Brees or not to Bress that is the question - and a very big one facing management this coming offseason. Do they resign their team leader and a likely pro baller for the second straight year (along with Peyton Manning and Carson Palmer) in Drew "I have an ugly birth mark shaped like the Virgin Mary on my face" Brees. Or do they hand the reigns of the franchise over to former top 4 pick Phillip "my career's floating down the "Rivers. Keep in mind that Rivers was appointed the franchise savior after the Bolts passed on Michael Vick and were spurned by Eli Manning. I think they should hold onto Brees and deal Rivers for a top pick this year that they can use to shore up their defense or get a top young wideout. I hear the Jets need a QB and will have a high draft pick.

2. Is LT the best ever? Lawrence Taylor maybe if you're talking about linebackers. LaDanian Tomlinson definitely is if you're talking about running backs. Think Barry Sanders on steriods. And to think he didn't even make the pro bowl the year before last in a year in which he gained a thousand yards rushing and receiving.

3. Gates chose the right sport. That might be the understatement of the year. But TE Antonio Gates is an unstoppable force on the football field after playing collegiate basketball where he was more Oliver Miller than Shaquielle O'Neal.

4. Can they make the playoffs? Brutal schedule + slow start + 4th quarter chokes - late win over Washington + LT, Gates, and Brees + injury to Bryon Leftich/by the fact that I have no idea what I'm talking about = Wild Card Berth! At which point the Shames-o-Matic prediction meter says they'll knock out the AFC East Champion Patriots in the first round before losing to the Colts in the second round.

*If you want to be like Hernandez and see me write about something that you're interested in just drop me a line.

Shame(s) on You: LIRR

If you've ridden on the train the last few years you've heard the expression, "if you see something, say something." And so I am.

The Long Island Rail Road is an abomination. How it has not yet been condemmed by the federal goverenmenet for being a monopoly is beyond me. It's the only rail road company operating on all of Long Island and as such they can control prices and hike them to their heart's content. With so many commuters depending on the railroad to get into Manhattan they know we'll have no choice but to pay whatever outrageous price they come up with.

$8.50 one way, off peak to Manhattan. Sure. $10. Sold. $15. Why not? When is it going to stop? At what point do straphangers unite and make a stand? At what point do they say no to the LIRR aka the Lets Increase Railrates Railroad? Probably never.

Which bothers me more than my mom's nagging. These prices are unacceptable and no one seems to be bothered by it. The MTA justifies them by saying they pay for the nice, new trains that we get to ride on. But they forgot that we never asked for the improvements. I actually prefer the older cars to the newer ones.

The newer ones are annoying. Their ergonomically designed seats are only ergonomical if you're 6 foot 2. Otherwise your back doesn't fit into the contures. And what's worse is the ding dong chiming of the automated conductor telling you what stop it is. The next stop will be Oceanside. We're almost at Oceanside. Now approaching Oceanside. This stop is Oceanside. Now leaving Oceanside. The next stop will be Island Park. Jeez! Enough already! When are you supposed to nap?

Between annoying new trains, ridicilously over the top prices, and inconvenient train schedules both during rush hour and in the early morning hours of the weekend the LIRR has seen better days. If there was an alternative, any alternative at all, it would trump the LIRR the way the Mets have trumped the Yankees this offseason.

One can only hope that day comes soon.

First Snow

So we got our first snowfall of the year on Sunday morning and they're calling for 3-6 inches tomorrow morning. Which can only mean one thing: my desire to move to florida has just increased ten fold.

I'm not one of those people who gets all excited by the first snowfall of the season. I dread such occassions more than players on the Jets dread Sundays. To me, at this stage in my life, it's nothing more than an inconvenience. Snow storms used to be exciting when they meant days off from school, snowball fights, fort building, and snow shovelling to make money.

Now they just mean having to wake up earlier to clean off the car and having to carry the dog out to the street. Worse than that you run the chance of stepping into a slush puddle and having to sit at your desk all day long with your pants water stained from the shin down and your foot literally chilling out in your shoe. If you don't bring a change of socks with you to work you run the risk of catching hypothermia.

I hate sounding like captain kill joy here but admit it, you don't like snowfall either. That's why we should all move to Florida so that we can deal with Hurricanes, alligators, and old people! And leave the snow to the eskimos!

My First Bachelor Party

I just want to let everyone know that I'm a total idiot. First I go away for the weekend and don't bring any pants. Then a week later I somehow manage to show up at my sister's finance's bachelor party an hour late because I went to 21 west 54th street instead of 54 west 21st street.

Which means that I first walked from Penn Station on 34th street, 20 blocks to 54th and then had to walk all the way back to 21st. That's like 50 long city blocks and a few avenues thrown in when I was first trying to figure out which way 5th avenue was. My feet aren't very happy with me right now. And did I mention yet that yesterday was the coldest day of the year and brought out first snowfall of the season.

It wasn't for naught though because I saw the living legend himself, funny man John Pinette, walking down the street near the theatre district. I wanted to talk to him, especially since one of my good friends is related to him, but I still haven't grown a sac. A theme which would reappear throughout the night.

Nonetheless, I eventually made my way to the pool hall where the festivities kicked off. After getting made fun of for getting lost, I promptly regained my dignity by wiping the floor with everyone once I started playing pool. Just kidding. I only won when someone would scratch while trying to get the eight ball in.

After pool we went to dinner at a Tex Mex place where I upset my stomach to the point where we're not talking anymore. After that we hit up a bar, got wasted, and counted down until it was time to go the strip club.

The club that we went to was a nice upscale establishment. You know the kind of place where the girls actually pretend like they want to be there. We hung out there for about an hour during which time the strippers nagged me more than my mom has in my entire life. Eventually, I caved in because I'm such a softie. Although for those five minutes I was anything but.

All in all, it was a great time with a cast of characters that included some guy named porntoy, another guy who never met a stripper he didn't like, and someone whose idea of a good time is getting jumped by 7 guys. It's gonna be one wild wedding.

Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

Burrrrr, it's cold in here, there must be some toros in the atmosphere.

Why does every single celebrity own a Scarface movie poster? What's the mass appeal?

Do Rachel Ray and other food network hosts talk to themselves when they're cooking at home?

Did you know that you use 5 gallons of water every time you flush the toilet.

So I called 1800-The-Lost the other day thinking it was a hotline for Lost. Turns out it was a hotline for missing children. Oops.

Is wearing your belt to the left the same as wearing an earing in your right ear?

Note to self: the cereal box does not go in the refrigerator.

What's the fascination that people have with shortening other people's names? I met a girl named Jessica last week. Right now she's Jess. By next week she'll be J.

Speaking of names, Bean Stringfellow, has got to be the greatest sports agent name ever. Sorry Arliss.

Why do only good athletes have nicknames? Shaquielle O'Neal has about 13 of them ranging from Shaq Daddy to the Great Artistotle. But his backup, Michael Doleac, doesn't have any.

How much are you supposed to tip a stripper after a lap dance?

Fearless Football Predictions: Week 13

Chasing 17 just like an old college roommate of mine, here's what I'm thinking:

Green Bay over Chicago: If there's any team out there capable of playing spoiler down the stretch it's the Packers who should win at least two more games to send Brett Farve out on a good note.

Jacksonville over Cleveland: David Gerard is more than capable to step into Bryon Leftich's shoes and lead the Jaguars into the playoffs.

Minnesota over Detroit: The Vikings should sail to their fifth straight win, pun definitely intended in more ways than one.

Indy over Tennessee: Remember the Titans? Remembe the last time the Colts lost? I can't.

Buffalo over Miami: Could go either way but the Bills with an outside shot of getting hot down the stretch and making the playoffs have the personnel to win out.

Tampa Bay over New Orleans: Carnell Williams fantasy owners rejoice.

Dallas over the Giants: Just to be different from Brian.

Cincinnati over Pittsburgh: Look for Chad Johnson to say something ridicilious and for the Bengals to keep on winning.

Atlanta over Carolina: I had the Falcons in the NFC title game and I'm not ready to give up on them yet.

Houston over Baltimore: Sorry Texan fans but Reggie "don't call me George" Bush won't be coming to town if you win here, which you will just to continue teasing your fans.

St. Louis over Washington: Can the kid from Harvard continue his magic? I think he can especially against a Redskins team that can't make the playoffs anymore.

San Francisco over Arizona: Might be just as interesting to watch their practice squads scrimmage.

KC over Denver: I think the Chiefs can get hot behind the strong running of Larry "grandmama" Johnson.

Patriots over the Jets: Hey, the Patriots aren't that bad, are they?

Chargers over the Raiders: Close game. But only one team has LT.

Seattle over Philadelphia: After this game the entire nation will be on the Seahawks Superbowl bandwagon.

The Assembly Line of Life

First day on the job today. Nothing too bad. Nothing too exciting either. Which basically sums up the work day for millions of people around the world who work because they have to. I'm now one of those people thanks to having more debt than most gamblers and third world countries...combined.

I can accept what I'll be doing knowing that it's only for a little while and that it'll be over soon. But I can't imagine doing it every day for the rest of my life. And I was wondering today why anybody would.

Waking up early, coming home late, never seeing your family, etc. It wears on you. I can see it on the faces of the grumpy commuters who look like they're one shoulder bump away from having a nervous breakdown. And I wonder why does it have to be this way?

Why don't these people if they're so unhappy change professions and do something that they'll enjoy more? Why don't they all move to Florida and become teachers?

Critics of mine will say that I don't know what I'm talking about. That people work because they have bills to pay, famalies to take care of. And I get all that. What I don't get is why everyone is such a glutton for punishment. I quit jobs, clubs, activities all the time if I'm not happy. Life's too short to be a worker bee if there is something else out there that you can do.

Which is why I'll be getting off of the assembly line of life as quickly as possible. I don't know why everyone else doesn't as well. All I know is that in the average day there are only 3 hours when a worker isn't sleeping, working, or commuting to work and that to me is wrong.

And that's all I got to say about that.