Rob Roll's Official Guide To Being A Better Baller

Here's something I wrote for the softball blog:

For some, softball is just something they do on the weekends to take their minds off the daily grind of their lives. For others, it's a chance to relive their baseball glory days from high school and college. But for a select few, affectionately known around the league as 'ballers', softball isn't just something to do or look forward to. For them it's a way of life.

These are people like Gamers shortstop Rob Roll, who take their game to the next level, creating a larger than life persona that goes beyond anything they do on the softball diamond. Sure they put up impressive numbers and lead their team to victory. But what makes them a baller is that they do it in style.

Becoming a true baller is something that can not be taught. You're either born with it or you're not. But that doesn't mean that there's no hope for the rest of us. There are still things that we can learn. Still lifestyle changes that could be made.

So, to get you started on your way, Roll sits down with All Access and take us through his Official Guide To Being a Better Baller. Read on at your own risk. Posers like Dave Kheel need not apply.

Step One: Dress the part

Being a baller is all about looking less like a softball player and more like an entra in the next Jay Z Video. After all, anybody can play softball. But not everybody can do it while wearing shorts that are so baggy that they require you to use one hand to hold them up when moving more than three feet. Wrist bands, head bands, do rags, and sideways baseball hats are also strongly recommended in order to look the part. Old uniform jersesys from travel baseball teams a plus because they show your oppoonent that you got mad skillz. Earn bonus points for playing with shiny jewelry that could blind the opposing batter and make him pop up with men on base during a big spot in the game.

Step Two: Represent at all times

There's no point to being a baller if nobody knows that you are one. You gotta represent yourself and your team regardless of whether you're on the softball field or in some sketchy bar in Freeport with your crew. Wear throwback basketball jersies and headbands in public as much as possible even at weddings, funerals, and job interviews. Get your team name or uniform number tattoed onto your shoulder if you feel like you need to step it up a notch.

Step Three: Talk the part

Always be sure to talk like a baller by starting or ending every sentence with the word yo. Other words and expressions to add to your vocabulary: drop it like it's hot, fo shizzle, that's mad funny, and that's dope. Also don't forget to address people as kid, playa, or son and try to give out as many ridicilious nicknames as possible. While on the field talk as much trash as possible even after weakly popping up to the pitcher three straight times, letting your opponent know that you did that on purpose so that they will move in closer later in the game allowing you to then hit it over their heads at the opportune time.

Step Four: Ride in style

In the pros the best ballers have the biggest contracts. In the world of softball, status is measured by how fly your ride is. You would lose all credibility as a baller if a lesser player on your team had a doper ride. Under no circumstances can you let that happen. If you find yourself in quick need of pimping your ride you can't go wrong with having flat screen tvs. The more the merrier. One rule of thumb to follow is to have one flat screen tv for every 3 homeruns you plan on hitting during the year. Once your car is pimped out it's time to show it off. During the fall season Roll recommends driving it directly onto the field so that while everyone else is using their cell phones to try and find out the latest score of the Jets-Dolphins game you're actually watching the game off of the flat screen in your trunk.

Step Five: Act the Part

Finally, Roll suggests that the key to being a world class baller is making everyone believe that you are one. This means that at all times you must act like a baller even if doing so is completely unnecessary. The best example of this is paying your $85 entry fee with 5 one hundred dollar bills and then asking for change back. You also can't get more than two hours of sleep the night before a game and if anybody asks you where you got your sun flower seeds from you have to answer, "from my guy in Queens'. Roll also suggests arriving fashionably late, roughly three minutes before the first pitch, giving you just enough time to put your cleats on and finish your hero from Deli Boy. During the game it's highly recommended that you carry on a conversation with the person standing next to you. Bonus points if the person is all the way on the other side of the field.

Where there you have it. Rob Roll's Official Guide To Being a Better Baller. Rob says that if you follow those five easy steps you'll be on your way to becoming a better baller. But it may not work for everyone. You actually have to have the skillz to be able to pull it off.

Coming next week: Brian Malfettone's Guide To Coming Up With Excuses For Missing Softball Games.