After going to Governor's Comedy Club on Sunday night I've been inspired to take to the stage again. I stayed up late Sunday night hammering out a kick ass routine that is by far better than anything I performed in college and I'm going to perform it once I move down to Florida. Until then here are two really good jokes that I've heard lately. Enjoy.
1. Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time:
A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she had bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming . . . "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!" The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager went up to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she had bought it on special.
Once again, the woman threw her arms up in the air and screamed, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!" By doing so, the crowd became even bigger! In total shock, the store manager pleaded, "Ma'am, why do you keep saying that?"
In a huff, the woman said, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!" The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.
2. And lastly this one titled, 'Barbie':
One day a father gets off work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one?
We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers : "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends."
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
Olympics Review
To celebrate the lastest installment of the Olympics here's a collection of all my Torino related random thoughts from the last two weeks:
Two weeks of heated competition and I still don't know who won.....the battle to decide if it should be called Torino or Turin.
I feel bad for the athletes who give it their all and have to settle for a silver medal. That's like the really hot girl who does everything right but then has to settle down with a guy who looks like me just so that she can get married and have kids before she turns 40.
Speaking of medals why is first place still gold? To keep up with the times shouldn't it now be platinum?
And is it me or do the new medals look like they just ran out of the old ones and just starting handing out old cd's instead.
Turns out that Chad Hedrick and Shani Davis don't really hate each other. They were just menstrating at the same time.
I heard that Wayne Gretzky was really pissed after the Olympics were over. Not because his Canadian team lost. But rather because he had $100,000 riding on the Finnish team.
I don't think that the brooms in curling actually do anything. I think they're just there to give them something to do while the wait for the stone to get down the ice.
I also don't think that the Olympic athletes are the best in the world at what they do. They're just the smartest. While everyone else was wasting their time playing baseball, basketball, and football they were the ones who said to themselves, "fuck basketball. I'm gonna join the speed skating team. There's no one on that team. There's no way I can get cut!
I heard that the government of Kazakhstan is going to sue Sasha Cohen.
I can already hear Chris Berman referring to two sport star Jeremy Bloom as Jeremy Blooming Onion after he scores his first NFL TD.
Bode Miller is such a mess. He's literally falling apart before our very eyes. In that regard Bode Miller's new nickname should be Mr. Potatoe Head.
Seriously I don't think I've seen someone fall that far that fast since the last time I looked in a mirror.
Miller even pulled an Aaron Boone, twisting his ankle playing basketball.
The best Miller joke of all came from the writers of the Colbert Report who said, "Miller truly is the bad boy of skiing...cause he's bad at skiing.
I think that staircase climbing should be an Olympic sport. Do you have any idea how hard it is to run up or down stairs as fast as you can without tripping. To me anyone who can do that successfully deserves a medal.
Or at the very least there should be some more skill based games that test accuracy. Like, say, Beer pong. Bode Miller could represent the U.S.
Rumor has it that Lindsey Jacobellis who cost herself a snowboarding gold medal by hot dogging one final trick is getting married.....to Rickey Henderson.
Apollo Anton Ohno is a lot like Harry Potter. He only wins when someone else interfers.
I'm kind of sad to see the Olympics go though. Now I have to go back to watching really bad NBC sitcoms like Joey.
Two weeks of heated competition and I still don't know who won.....the battle to decide if it should be called Torino or Turin.
I feel bad for the athletes who give it their all and have to settle for a silver medal. That's like the really hot girl who does everything right but then has to settle down with a guy who looks like me just so that she can get married and have kids before she turns 40.
Speaking of medals why is first place still gold? To keep up with the times shouldn't it now be platinum?
And is it me or do the new medals look like they just ran out of the old ones and just starting handing out old cd's instead.
Turns out that Chad Hedrick and Shani Davis don't really hate each other. They were just menstrating at the same time.
I heard that Wayne Gretzky was really pissed after the Olympics were over. Not because his Canadian team lost. But rather because he had $100,000 riding on the Finnish team.
I don't think that the brooms in curling actually do anything. I think they're just there to give them something to do while the wait for the stone to get down the ice.
I also don't think that the Olympic athletes are the best in the world at what they do. They're just the smartest. While everyone else was wasting their time playing baseball, basketball, and football they were the ones who said to themselves, "fuck basketball. I'm gonna join the speed skating team. There's no one on that team. There's no way I can get cut!
I heard that the government of Kazakhstan is going to sue Sasha Cohen.
I can already hear Chris Berman referring to two sport star Jeremy Bloom as Jeremy Blooming Onion after he scores his first NFL TD.
Bode Miller is such a mess. He's literally falling apart before our very eyes. In that regard Bode Miller's new nickname should be Mr. Potatoe Head.
Seriously I don't think I've seen someone fall that far that fast since the last time I looked in a mirror.
Miller even pulled an Aaron Boone, twisting his ankle playing basketball.
The best Miller joke of all came from the writers of the Colbert Report who said, "Miller truly is the bad boy of skiing...cause he's bad at skiing.
I think that staircase climbing should be an Olympic sport. Do you have any idea how hard it is to run up or down stairs as fast as you can without tripping. To me anyone who can do that successfully deserves a medal.
Or at the very least there should be some more skill based games that test accuracy. Like, say, Beer pong. Bode Miller could represent the U.S.
Rumor has it that Lindsey Jacobellis who cost herself a snowboarding gold medal by hot dogging one final trick is getting married.....to Rickey Henderson.
Apollo Anton Ohno is a lot like Harry Potter. He only wins when someone else interfers.
I'm kind of sad to see the Olympics go though. Now I have to go back to watching really bad NBC sitcoms like Joey.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Girlfriend of the Week: Sasha Cohen
America's newest Olympic sweetheart, Sasha Cohen, is my newest girlfriend of the week. I'll let Malfy have Sacha Cohen all he wants. Because Sasha is where it's at this week.
In fact, I'm so infatuated with this 'Natalie Portman on figure skates' that I plan on going out and buying every single product that she endorses in the post Olympic era. I'm talking everything from boxes of Wheaties to leotards. Especially leotards.
The best part about Mrs. Cohen is that she has a realistic shot of becoming Mrs. Shames. After all, we have a lot in common. She ice skates, I roller blade. She's from Russia, my sister just married a Russian guy. She's Jewish, I used to be. She has a silver medal, I have a Celine Dion CD that looks like her medal. She's famous and can get any guy she wants, I only want famous girls that I can't get. And the list goes on and on. So you see it's really not that far fetched.
But hey if it doesn't work there's always Sara or Emily Hughes. I hear they're from Long Island.
In fact, I'm so infatuated with this 'Natalie Portman on figure skates' that I plan on going out and buying every single product that she endorses in the post Olympic era. I'm talking everything from boxes of Wheaties to leotards. Especially leotards.
The best part about Mrs. Cohen is that she has a realistic shot of becoming Mrs. Shames. After all, we have a lot in common. She ice skates, I roller blade. She's from Russia, my sister just married a Russian guy. She's Jewish, I used to be. She has a silver medal, I have a Celine Dion CD that looks like her medal. She's famous and can get any guy she wants, I only want famous girls that I can't get. And the list goes on and on. So you see it's really not that far fetched.
But hey if it doesn't work there's always Sara or Emily Hughes. I hear they're from Long Island.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
Usually sexual tension exists between two people who don't like each other but still want to get it on. However, I think that all tension can be traced back to sexual tension. Chances are that if two people are fighting with each other or arguing about something it's because they're both wound up tight from not getting any. They might not secretly want to do it with each other but they're lack of play is causing their respective tensions. So you see it all comes back to sexual tension really.
I love how you can spruce up any job to sound more exciting than it really is just by giving it a fancy title. Like rather than call yourself a janitor you say you're a custodial engineer.
When talking on the phone why do people say I'll let you go when it's really them who want to go?
Exactly how much is a kazalion?
I had a great anology when I told a friend who was trying to decide whether or not to go to Ranger school saying, "Ranger school is like the hot blonde you hook up with in college. Sure it's great to say you did it and it makes for a good story but in the long run it doesn't really matter."
In our kitchen's there's a clock on the microwave, on the oven, on the coffee pot, and on almost every other appliance you can think of and yet none of them ever have the same time.
Think I'm a headcase? Here are some recent conversations of mine that prove you right:
1. Damien: I'm hungry
Me: You look like you want Taco Bell.
Damien (Acting excited): Is there a Taco Bell around here?!!
Me: No.
2. Me: How much is the subway?
Mel: $1.25
Me: I hate that. Who carries a quarter with them anyway? I'd rather just pay $2.
Mel: Do you want a quarter?
Me: No thanks I got one.
The New York Post had an article recently that indicated what personality you may have if you eat certain foods. Here's what they had to say about me:
"Men who favor strawberries tend to be insecure and suffer from feelings of inadequacy. They also like to be dominanted."
And
"If you like pretzels, you're over-committed, fad-following, quirky and fun."
I guess you really are what you eat.
Usually sexual tension exists between two people who don't like each other but still want to get it on. However, I think that all tension can be traced back to sexual tension. Chances are that if two people are fighting with each other or arguing about something it's because they're both wound up tight from not getting any. They might not secretly want to do it with each other but they're lack of play is causing their respective tensions. So you see it all comes back to sexual tension really.
I love how you can spruce up any job to sound more exciting than it really is just by giving it a fancy title. Like rather than call yourself a janitor you say you're a custodial engineer.
When talking on the phone why do people say I'll let you go when it's really them who want to go?
Exactly how much is a kazalion?
I had a great anology when I told a friend who was trying to decide whether or not to go to Ranger school saying, "Ranger school is like the hot blonde you hook up with in college. Sure it's great to say you did it and it makes for a good story but in the long run it doesn't really matter."
In our kitchen's there's a clock on the microwave, on the oven, on the coffee pot, and on almost every other appliance you can think of and yet none of them ever have the same time.
Think I'm a headcase? Here are some recent conversations of mine that prove you right:
1. Damien: I'm hungry
Me: You look like you want Taco Bell.
Damien (Acting excited): Is there a Taco Bell around here?!!
Me: No.
2. Me: How much is the subway?
Mel: $1.25
Me: I hate that. Who carries a quarter with them anyway? I'd rather just pay $2.
Mel: Do you want a quarter?
Me: No thanks I got one.
The New York Post had an article recently that indicated what personality you may have if you eat certain foods. Here's what they had to say about me:
"Men who favor strawberries tend to be insecure and suffer from feelings of inadequacy. They also like to be dominanted."
And
"If you like pretzels, you're over-committed, fad-following, quirky and fun."
I guess you really are what you eat.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Brian's Birthday Shoutout
In honor of Malfy's 24th birthday I thought it would be a good idea to come up with a fitting tribute to him blog style. And while I could tell everyone about the time Russell grabbed his crotch in a bar I think a better idea would to be to come up with a list of funny Brian related moments. Enjoy.
You're know you're Brian Malfettone if:
Your best friend can't pronounce your last name after 23 years of practice.
You can recite every word to every episode of the Chappelle show, Reno 911, and Da Ali G show.
You once ate a moth ball.
You're car's hub caps were stolen more than once.
You once drove a car called 'Electric Blue'.
You speed up to slow down.
You like to include your shoulder in every conversation.
You make outlandish claims that you created fantasy baseball.
You own every piece of Nolan Ryan paraphenelia ever made.
You claim to have dunked over people to win a slam dunk contest.
You can recall all your statistics from every PAL game you have ever played....while the game is still going on....and you're dribbling the ball.
You say 'my main man buddrus, buddrus, gali' way more than you should.
Your sports equipment bag has blown away.
You think it's normal to play the outfield with a two sizes too small infielder's glove.
You still think it's funny to give another grown man a wet willie.
You were Bam Margera way before he was.
You are incapable of growing facial or chest hair.
You don't even know what a gym is.
You own a Drazen Petrovic jersey.
You look like a cross between Andy Pettite, Ross from friends, and the Karate Kid.
You think you could have pitched in the Major Leagues.
You know what tape ball is.
You like to fuck shit up.
You stupidly book a flight during the Super Bowl.
You were once body slammed through a laundry basket by yours truly.
You have a tv in your backyard.
You are friends with someone named James Brown.
You have a blog that you have updated three times.
Your nickname is #2.
You have a oedipus complex and only date people with the same name as your mom.
You know somebody who once woke up in a pile of their own shit.
You hear the name Sasha Cohen and think Da Ali G and not women's figure skating.
You claim to have learned Spanish by watching Telemundo.
You are working right now.
You think In Good Company should have won an Academy Award.
You have the World's largest collection of drinks that no one has ever heard of before.
You're know you're Brian Malfettone if:
Your best friend can't pronounce your last name after 23 years of practice.
You can recite every word to every episode of the Chappelle show, Reno 911, and Da Ali G show.
You once ate a moth ball.
You're car's hub caps were stolen more than once.
You once drove a car called 'Electric Blue'.
You speed up to slow down.
You like to include your shoulder in every conversation.
You make outlandish claims that you created fantasy baseball.
You own every piece of Nolan Ryan paraphenelia ever made.
You claim to have dunked over people to win a slam dunk contest.
You can recall all your statistics from every PAL game you have ever played....while the game is still going on....and you're dribbling the ball.
You say 'my main man buddrus, buddrus, gali' way more than you should.
Your sports equipment bag has blown away.
You think it's normal to play the outfield with a two sizes too small infielder's glove.
You still think it's funny to give another grown man a wet willie.
You were Bam Margera way before he was.
You are incapable of growing facial or chest hair.
You don't even know what a gym is.
You own a Drazen Petrovic jersey.
You look like a cross between Andy Pettite, Ross from friends, and the Karate Kid.
You think you could have pitched in the Major Leagues.
You know what tape ball is.
You like to fuck shit up.
You stupidly book a flight during the Super Bowl.
You were once body slammed through a laundry basket by yours truly.
You have a tv in your backyard.
You are friends with someone named James Brown.
You have a blog that you have updated three times.
Your nickname is #2.
You have a oedipus complex and only date people with the same name as your mom.
You know somebody who once woke up in a pile of their own shit.
You hear the name Sasha Cohen and think Da Ali G and not women's figure skating.
You claim to have learned Spanish by watching Telemundo.
You are working right now.
You think In Good Company should have won an Academy Award.
You have the World's largest collection of drinks that no one has ever heard of before.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Bushwhacked
Dear friends of mine at the NSA please don't take that headline literally. My last name isn't Gotti or Gandolfini and I don't actually want to whack President Bush no matter how much I might dislike his policies. I just wanted to come up with a word to use as my headline that had Bush's name in it and wasn't sexually perverted since I don't know anything about that kind of Bush. As a result, Bushwhacked is what I came up with. Please don't send me to jail for conspiracy to kill the President. Thanks.
Assuming, I'm still a free man I'm going to get to my point. How is it that President Clinton can get impeached for having an affair but nobody raises eyebrows when during the six year tenure of President Bush the following things have happened:
Shadily becomes President despite losing the popular vote after the hanging chad fiscal in Florida. A state governed by his brother Jeb by the way.
9/11 attacks occur under his watch and after getting informed of the attacks does nothing for ten minutes while continuing to read to first graders in Florida.
Goes after Saddam Hussein just to one up his dad who was never able to get him out of power during the Gulf War.
Congress and the public are deceived to believe that Saddam Hussein has access to WMD's.
Claims victory in Iraq on board an aircraft carrier. Death toll has steadily climbed ever since.
Abu Ghraib prison scandal with allegations of abuse towards detainees including desecration of the Koran.
Thousands of detainees held in Guantanamo Bay prison with more allegations of mistreatment.
Reports of secret CIA prisons throughout Europe.
The horrible national response to Katrina where thousands were left for dead in New Orleans.
No one in the administration mentioning the fact that the Vice President had shot someone in a hunting accident until after the media brought it up.
Bush himself admitting that he invaded Iraq because God told him to. Keep in mind that people who usually hold conversations with God are locked away in mental institutions and yet Bush is still the President.
And now as Iraq is about to plummet into a Civil War word comes out that he didn't even know about the deal that would give up control of six major U.S. ports (including New York, Baltimore, Miami and New Orleans) to an Middle Eastern firm until after it was finalized.
Could someone please explain to me how this man is still the President of the United States?
Assuming, I'm still a free man I'm going to get to my point. How is it that President Clinton can get impeached for having an affair but nobody raises eyebrows when during the six year tenure of President Bush the following things have happened:
Shadily becomes President despite losing the popular vote after the hanging chad fiscal in Florida. A state governed by his brother Jeb by the way.
9/11 attacks occur under his watch and after getting informed of the attacks does nothing for ten minutes while continuing to read to first graders in Florida.
Goes after Saddam Hussein just to one up his dad who was never able to get him out of power during the Gulf War.
Congress and the public are deceived to believe that Saddam Hussein has access to WMD's.
Claims victory in Iraq on board an aircraft carrier. Death toll has steadily climbed ever since.
Abu Ghraib prison scandal with allegations of abuse towards detainees including desecration of the Koran.
Thousands of detainees held in Guantanamo Bay prison with more allegations of mistreatment.
Reports of secret CIA prisons throughout Europe.
The horrible national response to Katrina where thousands were left for dead in New Orleans.
No one in the administration mentioning the fact that the Vice President had shot someone in a hunting accident until after the media brought it up.
Bush himself admitting that he invaded Iraq because God told him to. Keep in mind that people who usually hold conversations with God are locked away in mental institutions and yet Bush is still the President.
And now as Iraq is about to plummet into a Civil War word comes out that he didn't even know about the deal that would give up control of six major U.S. ports (including New York, Baltimore, Miami and New Orleans) to an Middle Eastern firm until after it was finalized.
Could someone please explain to me how this man is still the President of the United States?
Random IM Convo
Russellmania26: francis
Russellmania26: what a weird trade
headcase524: weird?
Russellmania26: thats like the nets trading to get steve nash
Russellmania26: its like 2 of the same player
headcase524: yeah but its cheaper than cloning
Russellmania26: what a weird trade
headcase524: weird?
Russellmania26: thats like the nets trading to get steve nash
Russellmania26: its like 2 of the same player
headcase524: yeah but its cheaper than cloning
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Dog Sees Cancellation
I was supposed to go see the off, off, off Broadway play 'Dog Sees God' with Witty Whit on Friday night as my one last ditch attempt to see a Broadway play before I go to Florida and have to settle for local community theatre with really bad character actors who think they're Brittish.
Unfortunately, the producer of the show felt it was necessary to sexually harass everyone. I can't say I blame her though since she did allegedly grab Elisha Dushku's ass. Elisha, whose family comes from a long line of mathematical puzzle makers, is of Bring It On and Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame and is smoking hot.
That's one of the reasons why I wanted to see the show along with the fact that Boone from Lost and Finch from American Pie were in the cast along with Sean Penn's daughter from Mystic River. It was a talented cast, a proverbial whose who of hot young actors and actresses which explains why the producer, Dede Harris, acted like a contestant on Supermarket Sweeps in grabbing everything in sight.
Unfortunately, I'm now SOL and I may have to settle for Jewtopia as my final Broadway experience. Yikes! That would be like drunking too much and losing my virginity while blacked out. And we can't have that. We can't have that at all.
Unfortunately, the producer of the show felt it was necessary to sexually harass everyone. I can't say I blame her though since she did allegedly grab Elisha Dushku's ass. Elisha, whose family comes from a long line of mathematical puzzle makers, is of Bring It On and Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame and is smoking hot.
That's one of the reasons why I wanted to see the show along with the fact that Boone from Lost and Finch from American Pie were in the cast along with Sean Penn's daughter from Mystic River. It was a talented cast, a proverbial whose who of hot young actors and actresses which explains why the producer, Dede Harris, acted like a contestant on Supermarket Sweeps in grabbing everything in sight.
Unfortunately, I'm now SOL and I may have to settle for Jewtopia as my final Broadway experience. Yikes! That would be like drunking too much and losing my virginity while blacked out. And we can't have that. We can't have that at all.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
The Northeastern News
Walking through Northeastern's campus this past weekend brought back a lot of good memories. Like the time I got chased by a homeless guy, ran through a water fountain with all my clothes on, and actually made out with a girl. But it also reminded me of a simpler time when I was a mere fantasy mortal, the facebook and myspace hadn't been created yet, sodoku was still a foreign craze, and cute girls actually stalked me.
Nowadays my life is compounded by questions like, 'who should I draft in the 15th round in a 12 team yahoo league?' or 'should I go with the blue shirt with white stripes or the white shirt with blue stripes?' Tough questions I know. Which probably explains why I miss the hustle and bustle of being the most dominant student leader of all time.
I still can't walk one block within a one mile radius of campus without seeing somebody I know and yet it just doesn't feel right anymore. I know that I should move on since I'm now an alum and not worry about the issues facing the current undergraduate students anymore. But then again I'm the same guy whose still in love with my first grade crush.
Moving on and letting go is hard to do and so without www.nushuffle.com to pick up the slack for me I'm left with no choice but to give my take on a few issues currently ruffling feathers on Huntington Ave.
1. The decision to convert afterHOURS to a Starbucks: Sorry Leigh if you just read that and went into septic shock. But unfortunately our version of Saved By the Bell's Max is now a place where people will go to get maxed out on coffee beans.
I doubt that the syringe we found in the bathroom that one time had anything to do with it. It was more likely the fact that at 11 pm on a Saturday night you could find more people in the library than on the dance floor.
The problem with afterHOURS was sadly that it was overrun with freshmen. That's a good thing if you're a creepy 5th year senior hosting a fraternity party on Mission Hill. A bad thing if you want the older crowd to stop on by for late night munchies after last call at Our House.
As a result nobody went late and by not serving dinner to save on kitchen and wait staff costs nobody went early either. In fact, nobody went at all. Ever. It's almost as if afterHOURS was the prom and Northeastern students were the fat girl.
But it didn't have to be that way. Two things could have saved afterHOURS: 24 hour service or serving alcohol at select times. Neither happened. Now another faceless corporation takes over space on campus. Which should make the Board of Trustees very happy. And future generations of Huskies very sad. Very sad yet very hyper.
2. Back to tri-mesters?: Word on the street is that NU is thinking about bringing back trimesters. Well, sort of. After having 3 four month long trimesters NU switched to two semesters two years ago to try to conform with society and be more like BU and BC. However, they still had a summer session so technically there were still trimesters. Even more technically students could cram classes into two summer sessions so there were really quarters when there used to be trimesters and were supposed to be semesters. Somewhere along the way twiny, winy, mini mesters also were introduced or so I heard. Anyway, that's a story for another day.
After about a year of semesters rumor has it that they are now thinking of making co-op a four month long experience instead of the traditional six. So, basically instead of 4-4-2-2 you now have 4-4-4(2-2) or something like that. Which is basically the same thing I think just packaged differently. Actually, I have no idea what I'm talking about anymore. My source for this information was a drunken flusy so I'm about as lost as you are. Next topic.
3. The announcement of a Student Affairs division restructuring: How does a rat know to jump off a ship before it goes down? The same way that all of the top level administrators in the Freeland administration left town before he stepped down.
In the aftermath, the Student Affairs office announced a restructuring that should help end the NUShuffle (yeah, right) by linking the Residential Life office with the Student Activities office. It's not a bad idea since other universities employ a similar strategy. Yep, you guessed it. BU is one such schoool.
However, this new restructuring will fail where all others have as well. You can't stop the NUShuffle with fancy titles and buzz words like synergy. You can only stop it by being there full time for the students. Being unreachable because you're in a reslife meeting at the student center doesn't help student x solve his problem with his tuition bill.
What they should do is create a position for someone whose a public advocate. Who gets paid to sit in an office and play snood while he or she waits for a student to come in and complain about something. That person would be a one man help desk and would be able to take the pulse of the student body and know what issues are affecting them. Heck, the position could even be filled by a student, perhaps a member of the Student Government Association. Until that happens the disconnect between the administration and the students will still be there.
4. Can't get a Springfest act? That's ludacris!: OR so the chant went two years ago when Springfest was cancelled in the wake of the Patriots Super Bowl riots. Was it really our fault though that the guy who got hit by a car hadn't heard the song 'move bitch get out the way' by our would be headliner?
Now two years later the Council for University Programming (CUP) still can't get a big name act to come to campus. This year the Black Eye Peas and Kayne West have turned them down. At this rate organizers might have to bring back the Village People just to be able to put on a show.
It's pathetic really. The only thing more pathetic would be a saturday night spent playing Dungeons and Dragons. Thankfully not even I have done that! Although I have played Risk once or twice or two hundred.
Anyway, the point is that NU should stop aiming for the top. You never went to say that. You always want to encourage your kids to dream big. But enough is enough already. We don't have to be in the Top 100 and we certainly don't need Aerosmith in Centennial Commons. The place can only hold a thousand students anyway.
What we need is a rising star talent who'll put on a good show. Case in point. Three years ago a young comedian named David Chappelle came to campus. I didn't go because I had never heard of him. I should have. A year later the Chappelle show was born and now I can't go five minutes or 2 blog articles without saying, 'I'm Craig Shames bitch'. Getting a young rising star act like that would be great for the school. At the very least it'll be better than constantly having one's hopes dashed by big name acts who think your school is just a bigger version of Mass Art.
Nowadays my life is compounded by questions like, 'who should I draft in the 15th round in a 12 team yahoo league?' or 'should I go with the blue shirt with white stripes or the white shirt with blue stripes?' Tough questions I know. Which probably explains why I miss the hustle and bustle of being the most dominant student leader of all time.
I still can't walk one block within a one mile radius of campus without seeing somebody I know and yet it just doesn't feel right anymore. I know that I should move on since I'm now an alum and not worry about the issues facing the current undergraduate students anymore. But then again I'm the same guy whose still in love with my first grade crush.
Moving on and letting go is hard to do and so without www.nushuffle.com to pick up the slack for me I'm left with no choice but to give my take on a few issues currently ruffling feathers on Huntington Ave.
1. The decision to convert afterHOURS to a Starbucks: Sorry Leigh if you just read that and went into septic shock. But unfortunately our version of Saved By the Bell's Max is now a place where people will go to get maxed out on coffee beans.
I doubt that the syringe we found in the bathroom that one time had anything to do with it. It was more likely the fact that at 11 pm on a Saturday night you could find more people in the library than on the dance floor.
The problem with afterHOURS was sadly that it was overrun with freshmen. That's a good thing if you're a creepy 5th year senior hosting a fraternity party on Mission Hill. A bad thing if you want the older crowd to stop on by for late night munchies after last call at Our House.
As a result nobody went late and by not serving dinner to save on kitchen and wait staff costs nobody went early either. In fact, nobody went at all. Ever. It's almost as if afterHOURS was the prom and Northeastern students were the fat girl.
But it didn't have to be that way. Two things could have saved afterHOURS: 24 hour service or serving alcohol at select times. Neither happened. Now another faceless corporation takes over space on campus. Which should make the Board of Trustees very happy. And future generations of Huskies very sad. Very sad yet very hyper.
2. Back to tri-mesters?: Word on the street is that NU is thinking about bringing back trimesters. Well, sort of. After having 3 four month long trimesters NU switched to two semesters two years ago to try to conform with society and be more like BU and BC. However, they still had a summer session so technically there were still trimesters. Even more technically students could cram classes into two summer sessions so there were really quarters when there used to be trimesters and were supposed to be semesters. Somewhere along the way twiny, winy, mini mesters also were introduced or so I heard. Anyway, that's a story for another day.
After about a year of semesters rumor has it that they are now thinking of making co-op a four month long experience instead of the traditional six. So, basically instead of 4-4-2-2 you now have 4-4-4(2-2) or something like that. Which is basically the same thing I think just packaged differently. Actually, I have no idea what I'm talking about anymore. My source for this information was a drunken flusy so I'm about as lost as you are. Next topic.
3. The announcement of a Student Affairs division restructuring: How does a rat know to jump off a ship before it goes down? The same way that all of the top level administrators in the Freeland administration left town before he stepped down.
In the aftermath, the Student Affairs office announced a restructuring that should help end the NUShuffle (yeah, right) by linking the Residential Life office with the Student Activities office. It's not a bad idea since other universities employ a similar strategy. Yep, you guessed it. BU is one such schoool.
However, this new restructuring will fail where all others have as well. You can't stop the NUShuffle with fancy titles and buzz words like synergy. You can only stop it by being there full time for the students. Being unreachable because you're in a reslife meeting at the student center doesn't help student x solve his problem with his tuition bill.
What they should do is create a position for someone whose a public advocate. Who gets paid to sit in an office and play snood while he or she waits for a student to come in and complain about something. That person would be a one man help desk and would be able to take the pulse of the student body and know what issues are affecting them. Heck, the position could even be filled by a student, perhaps a member of the Student Government Association. Until that happens the disconnect between the administration and the students will still be there.
4. Can't get a Springfest act? That's ludacris!: OR so the chant went two years ago when Springfest was cancelled in the wake of the Patriots Super Bowl riots. Was it really our fault though that the guy who got hit by a car hadn't heard the song 'move bitch get out the way' by our would be headliner?
Now two years later the Council for University Programming (CUP) still can't get a big name act to come to campus. This year the Black Eye Peas and Kayne West have turned them down. At this rate organizers might have to bring back the Village People just to be able to put on a show.
It's pathetic really. The only thing more pathetic would be a saturday night spent playing Dungeons and Dragons. Thankfully not even I have done that! Although I have played Risk once or twice or two hundred.
Anyway, the point is that NU should stop aiming for the top. You never went to say that. You always want to encourage your kids to dream big. But enough is enough already. We don't have to be in the Top 100 and we certainly don't need Aerosmith in Centennial Commons. The place can only hold a thousand students anyway.
What we need is a rising star talent who'll put on a good show. Case in point. Three years ago a young comedian named David Chappelle came to campus. I didn't go because I had never heard of him. I should have. A year later the Chappelle show was born and now I can't go five minutes or 2 blog articles without saying, 'I'm Craig Shames bitch'. Getting a young rising star act like that would be great for the school. At the very least it'll be better than constantly having one's hopes dashed by big name acts who think your school is just a bigger version of Mass Art.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Craig's Lists: If I Were President.....
On President's day this year I thought it would be a good idea to come up with a list of things that I would do if I were President. Considering that I'm part Jewish and part Atheist I have about as good a chance of ever getting elected as Jesse Jackson. So, while none of the things on this list will ever actually happen we all know they should.
Things that I would do if I were President:
Make licorice nibs the official candy of America.
Appoint Ruben Studdard the head of the Food and Drug Administration.
Work with Tony Blair to create a joint American/Brittish national holiday called Keira Knightley day.
Make polygamy legal then make Brittany Snow, Kristen Bell, Elisha Cuthbert, and Natalie Portman my first ladies.
Add my face to Mount Rushmore.
Appoint a dominatrix as the Congressional Whip.
Pass a law forcing everyone who uses aim to put up 'chillaxing' as their away message.
End the Electoral College. Straight up popular vote wins. And it would be done American Idol style with people allowed to vote as many times as they want via text messaging.
Eradicate all student loan debts.
Make Long Island and Puerto Rico states. Heck, Canada too.
Arrest J.J. Abrams and send him to Guantanamo Bay until he tells me what's going to happen this season on Lost.
Follow in the footsteps of George W. Bush and own a professional baseball team. Then make sure that it doesn't have any pitching for the next 15 years.
Turn the White House into the Playboy Mansion.
Have sex with an intern or shoot a buddy in the face on a hunting trip and then lie about it. Wait a minute. That's been done already.
Use my top secret security clearance to find out who killed Kennedy and what's really going on in Area 51 and then tell the world about it! They have a right to know!
Make outlandish claim that aliens helped build the Great Pyramids then blame gaffe on a 'teleprompter malfunction'.
Forget about free healthcare plan. Instead implement free TiVo plan.
Remove 'In God We Trust' from all dollar bills and in it's place insert the phrase, 'I'm Craig Shames Bitch'.
Things that I would do if I were President:
Make licorice nibs the official candy of America.
Appoint Ruben Studdard the head of the Food and Drug Administration.
Work with Tony Blair to create a joint American/Brittish national holiday called Keira Knightley day.
Make polygamy legal then make Brittany Snow, Kristen Bell, Elisha Cuthbert, and Natalie Portman my first ladies.
Add my face to Mount Rushmore.
Appoint a dominatrix as the Congressional Whip.
Pass a law forcing everyone who uses aim to put up 'chillaxing' as their away message.
End the Electoral College. Straight up popular vote wins. And it would be done American Idol style with people allowed to vote as many times as they want via text messaging.
Eradicate all student loan debts.
Make Long Island and Puerto Rico states. Heck, Canada too.
Arrest J.J. Abrams and send him to Guantanamo Bay until he tells me what's going to happen this season on Lost.
Follow in the footsteps of George W. Bush and own a professional baseball team. Then make sure that it doesn't have any pitching for the next 15 years.
Turn the White House into the Playboy Mansion.
Have sex with an intern or shoot a buddy in the face on a hunting trip and then lie about it. Wait a minute. That's been done already.
Use my top secret security clearance to find out who killed Kennedy and what's really going on in Area 51 and then tell the world about it! They have a right to know!
Make outlandish claim that aliens helped build the Great Pyramids then blame gaffe on a 'teleprompter malfunction'.
Forget about free healthcare plan. Instead implement free TiVo plan.
Remove 'In God We Trust' from all dollar bills and in it's place insert the phrase, 'I'm Craig Shames Bitch'.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Aahhh, It's Cold!!!!!!!!
Quick, somebody get me Hansel. He's so hot right now that maybe just having him in the same room as me would heat me up. Probably not, but hey, it's worth a shot. If you can't get him I might settle for Kristen Bell since her sizzling photo shoot for this month's Maxim would surely melt the polar ice caps.
Speaking of which, Ms. Bell was supposed to be my Girlfriend of the Week this week but it's so cold up here in Boston that I can't even think of anything other than hot chocolate. It's so cold in fact that it was -11 last night! Walking to my sister's apartment from the train station was a near death experience. It was basically the equivalent of walking a half mile with your head dunked into a bucket of ice. You could just feel your head throbbing as your body temperature dropped to near hypothermic conditions. And yet if there was a football game being played some assclown would have been topless to prove how tough he is. I don't get it.
I also don't get girls who go out to the bars in tank tops no matter how cold it is. I won't name names so let's call this mystery person Heidi. I can say that because she told me last night that the only time she ever read my blog was when I wrote about her for her birthday. Anyway, her and her friend Katie went out last night like it was July. Now I wonder if they have to be treated for frostbite. I don't get it.
Anyway, if you'll excuse me I really should go now and finishing building my igloo.
Speaking of which, Ms. Bell was supposed to be my Girlfriend of the Week this week but it's so cold up here in Boston that I can't even think of anything other than hot chocolate. It's so cold in fact that it was -11 last night! Walking to my sister's apartment from the train station was a near death experience. It was basically the equivalent of walking a half mile with your head dunked into a bucket of ice. You could just feel your head throbbing as your body temperature dropped to near hypothermic conditions. And yet if there was a football game being played some assclown would have been topless to prove how tough he is. I don't get it.
I also don't get girls who go out to the bars in tank tops no matter how cold it is. I won't name names so let's call this mystery person Heidi. I can say that because she told me last night that the only time she ever read my blog was when I wrote about her for her birthday. Anyway, her and her friend Katie went out last night like it was July. Now I wonder if they have to be treated for frostbite. I don't get it.
Anyway, if you'll excuse me I really should go now and finishing building my igloo.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
Why is it that whenever you send a postcard while on vacation you always get to your house before it does?
How comes gyms don't have ez pass? You should be able to just swipe your card and get billed later.
How come you always get asked business or pleasure when travelling but never get asked, 'consumption or pleasure', at the supermarket after purchasing chocolate syrup and strawberries?
Oceanside humor: NBC to film new reality series - The Biggest Banana.
If it wasn't for the facebook.com I would never know when my friend's birthdays were.
Corny joke of the week: Life is hard in Florida. There are so many hot girls that you're constantly walking around with a boner. Bada bing!
If you fight fire with water where did the expression fight fire with fire come from?
They say that Lil John is the King of Krunk but I've never even heard of that country.
Brian B. had the line of the week when talking about possible jobs I could get in Florida saying, "you could be a Dolphin instructor but I don't know if they'll allow water wings in the pool."
Is Hoboken, NJ named after hobos? And if it is shouldn't it be renamed Hobroken?
I'm pretty sure the price of stamps only went up because they knew that I was going to be sending out job applications. The same thing happened when I was applying for colleges.
Is it me or do the new olympic medals look like cd's? How long is it going to be until they just hand out gold ipods to the winners?
My favorite Olympic athlete of all time is now that men's figure skater from Belgium who performed to the theme music from Pirates of the Caribbean while wearing the same outfit I wanted to wear for Halloween this year. He came in 9th overall but 1st in my book. I think his name was Peter Van de somethingorother.
Why is it that whenever you send a postcard while on vacation you always get to your house before it does?
How comes gyms don't have ez pass? You should be able to just swipe your card and get billed later.
How come you always get asked business or pleasure when travelling but never get asked, 'consumption or pleasure', at the supermarket after purchasing chocolate syrup and strawberries?
Oceanside humor: NBC to film new reality series - The Biggest Banana.
If it wasn't for the facebook.com I would never know when my friend's birthdays were.
Corny joke of the week: Life is hard in Florida. There are so many hot girls that you're constantly walking around with a boner. Bada bing!
If you fight fire with water where did the expression fight fire with fire come from?
They say that Lil John is the King of Krunk but I've never even heard of that country.
Brian B. had the line of the week when talking about possible jobs I could get in Florida saying, "you could be a Dolphin instructor but I don't know if they'll allow water wings in the pool."
Is Hoboken, NJ named after hobos? And if it is shouldn't it be renamed Hobroken?
I'm pretty sure the price of stamps only went up because they knew that I was going to be sending out job applications. The same thing happened when I was applying for colleges.
Is it me or do the new olympic medals look like cd's? How long is it going to be until they just hand out gold ipods to the winners?
My favorite Olympic athlete of all time is now that men's figure skater from Belgium who performed to the theme music from Pirates of the Caribbean while wearing the same outfit I wanted to wear for Halloween this year. He came in 9th overall but 1st in my book. I think his name was Peter Van de somethingorother.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Pitchers and Catchers.........Woohoo!
I used to count down to the Olsen Twins becoming legal but now there are only two countdowns that matter: the crazy, hieroglyphic one on Lost and the one that says there are 53 days and counting to baseball's opening day.
To kick off the countdown my favorite rite of spring took place this week and I'm not talking about Phil seeing his shadow. I'm talking about pitchers and catchers reporting to Spring Training sites all across Florida and Arizona. The only single day in professional sports that can top the excitement of the first day of Spring Training is the Super Bowl.
Nothing else can even compare to the commencement of six weeks of long toss, batting cages, and split squads. Think about it. Spring Training is a magical place, where dreams become a reality. It's like Disney World but the only roller coaster rides are the ones manager's go through while watching their patchwork bullpens try to hold onto leads.
It's a place where the primary choice of food is a can of corn. No cobbs unless we're talking about Ty. A place where words like fungo, dinger, pepper, balk and rosin are part of the daily lexicon. Where pitchers have 'dead' arms and batters pull muscles you've never even heard of.
A place where a doubleheader refers to two baseball games and not oral sex with two hot blondes. A place where switch hitting means you're talented and not bisexual. A place where Brokeback Mountain isn't a movie about gay cowboys but a way to describe Carl Pavano's pitching woes.
It's a place, above all else, where the groundwork for success is laid. (With Vanessa Minnillo if you're Derek Jeter, with another guy if you're Mike Piazza) And it's the only place I want to be right now.
Definitely not on Wall Street or Stevens Street. Just somewhere near Huston Street.
To kick off the countdown my favorite rite of spring took place this week and I'm not talking about Phil seeing his shadow. I'm talking about pitchers and catchers reporting to Spring Training sites all across Florida and Arizona. The only single day in professional sports that can top the excitement of the first day of Spring Training is the Super Bowl.
Nothing else can even compare to the commencement of six weeks of long toss, batting cages, and split squads. Think about it. Spring Training is a magical place, where dreams become a reality. It's like Disney World but the only roller coaster rides are the ones manager's go through while watching their patchwork bullpens try to hold onto leads.
It's a place where the primary choice of food is a can of corn. No cobbs unless we're talking about Ty. A place where words like fungo, dinger, pepper, balk and rosin are part of the daily lexicon. Where pitchers have 'dead' arms and batters pull muscles you've never even heard of.
A place where a doubleheader refers to two baseball games and not oral sex with two hot blondes. A place where switch hitting means you're talented and not bisexual. A place where Brokeback Mountain isn't a movie about gay cowboys but a way to describe Carl Pavano's pitching woes.
It's a place, above all else, where the groundwork for success is laid. (With Vanessa Minnillo if you're Derek Jeter, with another guy if you're Mike Piazza) And it's the only place I want to be right now.
Definitely not on Wall Street or Stevens Street. Just somewhere near Huston Street.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Shame(s) on You: Olympic Sized Shame
So much to rant about so little time. Here's a quick look inside my head at everything that bothers me from Torino, Italy to 1600 Pennslyvania Ave:
1. Is NBC retarded? Sorry, that was a rhetorical question. Of course they are. First they cancel the hit show American Dreams featuring break out star Brittany Snow. Then they give Matt Lablanc his own show and create the worst mini-series of all time, The Book of Daniel. And if all that wasn't bad enough they go out and ruin the Olympic viewing experience.
You would think that since they're the ones televising the games that they would want high ratings. Having a captive audience, sitting on the edge of their seats, as they cheer on their favorite athletes to gold medals, should be something they strive for. And yet at almost every chance they get they ruin the natural suspense of watching something live by giving away the predetermined results.
Sure, they warn you ahead of time on the local news and nightly news with Brian Williams. They tell you to turn away if you don't want to be spoiled. As well they should. But then during the succeeding commercial break they go out and show a promo for the Today Show featuring the new gold medalists who won at events set to air later that night. Are they really that dumb?
Why go out of your way to warn viewers that the results are coming if you're just going to give away the results during commercial breaks? They blame it on human error but I blame it on network wide shortsightedness. I could understand if a competing network gave away the results, ala Monday Night Nitro during the rating wars with the WWE's Monday Night Raw. But NBC giving away their own results, turning their own viewers away? That makes no sense at all.
2. How are baseball and softball not Olympic sports? I know these are the winter games and I'm talking about summer sports but headlines were made this week when it was annoucned that not only were they banned from the 2008 games as we already knew but that they were also now voted out of the 2012 games. I don't get it. Baseball is one of the most popular sports in the world. Certainly not soccer but in North and South America and the Far East it's huge.
Baseball organizers are hoping that the upcoming WBC (World Baseball Classic) will expand the game even further globally. If that's the case and the WBC helps to increase baseball's popularity wouldn't it make sense to have it as an Olympic sport again? At this rate even if baseball blows up worldwide this year it won't be an Olympic sport until at least 2016. Way to kill momentum IOC.
Softball on the other hand shouldn't have been voted out all together. Baseball at least has the MLB to keep it going. Softball's one defining moment was the Olympics. Now what are softball players supposed to look forward to? Getting old and coaching a high school team? If we want to create a level playing field for female athletes why are getting ride of the defining moment for one of their signature sports? That makes less sense than what NBC is doing.
3. Is Wayne Gretzky serious? He said yesterday during a press conference that he doesn't want to talk about the NHL betting scandal anymore. That he'll only answer questions about the Olympics and Team Canada.
I'm sorry Wayne but you don't get to decide when you're done talking about the scandal. A grand jury does. Until that case is over you have to talk about it. Your wife made bets with the mob through your assistant coach. You're guilty by association at the very least although I'm willing to bet (pun definitely intended) that you're even guiltier than that.
Gambling by professional athletes is a serious manner. It brings into question the integrity of the game. It's why one of the greatest baseball players ever to play the game, Pete Rose, can't get into the Hall of Fame. And it's why this media firestorm won't go away no matter how many times you say you're done talking about it.
You're just like Jason Giambi, who said last week, that he wants to put the steriods scandal behind him. Sorry Jason but you don't get to decide that. We won't just forgive and forget that easily. I'm just so sick and tired of professional athletes trying to dodge the truth so that they get on with playing a game. You made mistakes and now you both have to live with them. Get over yourselves.
4. From the white covered mountains of Torino to the White House. I'm sure by now you've all heard about Vice President Dick Cheney shooting a pal during a quail hunt. You would have to be a complete idiot not to have.
It may have been an accident and Mr. Wellington may have even been the one at fault but I can't stand the Bush Administration and their feeble attempts to cover it up. Scott McClellan, the poor White House press secretary, has been bombarded by questions about the slow response to the event ever since word got out that nearly 18 hours elapsed before the press was notified about it....by a local citizen. Like the White House wasn't going to say anything if they weren't asked about it.
And what really burns me up is now that they're being asked about it they're trying to, ala Gretzky, cast the questions aside. McClellan kicked off his briefing yesterday by talking about energy concerns failing to even mentioned the incident that was on the forefront of every reporter's mind. How could he have omitted that? Not even an update on Mr. Wellington's health? After all, the man had just suffered a shooting related heart attack.
I'm sorry but this is a big story. This isn't just a hunting accident. This isn't just something to joke about on the late night circuit. This is the second in command of the most powerful nation on Earth shooting another person in the face. A Vice President of the United States hasn't shot someone since A. Burr was in a duel. This is a historical moment to be sure.
So that begs the obvious questions that reporters like David Gregory are right to ask. Why the slow response? Why wasn't the press notified? Why were they notified by a private citizen and not the White House directly. Why doesn't the White House want to talk about it?
Maybe there's more to the story than has been revealed. Maybe the Vice President could be investigated for homicide if Mr. Wellington turns for the worse. Maybe, just maybe, the Bush Administration is trying to cover something even bigger up.
To that end, I arrived at the newsstand yesterday during lunch at the same time as this crazy old guy. He struck up a conversation with me and blasted the Bush Administration for their handling of the situation. He thinks something's up and I believed him. After all, when it comes to government conspiracy theories it's always the crazy people who have the inside scoop.
1. Is NBC retarded? Sorry, that was a rhetorical question. Of course they are. First they cancel the hit show American Dreams featuring break out star Brittany Snow. Then they give Matt Lablanc his own show and create the worst mini-series of all time, The Book of Daniel. And if all that wasn't bad enough they go out and ruin the Olympic viewing experience.
You would think that since they're the ones televising the games that they would want high ratings. Having a captive audience, sitting on the edge of their seats, as they cheer on their favorite athletes to gold medals, should be something they strive for. And yet at almost every chance they get they ruin the natural suspense of watching something live by giving away the predetermined results.
Sure, they warn you ahead of time on the local news and nightly news with Brian Williams. They tell you to turn away if you don't want to be spoiled. As well they should. But then during the succeeding commercial break they go out and show a promo for the Today Show featuring the new gold medalists who won at events set to air later that night. Are they really that dumb?
Why go out of your way to warn viewers that the results are coming if you're just going to give away the results during commercial breaks? They blame it on human error but I blame it on network wide shortsightedness. I could understand if a competing network gave away the results, ala Monday Night Nitro during the rating wars with the WWE's Monday Night Raw. But NBC giving away their own results, turning their own viewers away? That makes no sense at all.
2. How are baseball and softball not Olympic sports? I know these are the winter games and I'm talking about summer sports but headlines were made this week when it was annoucned that not only were they banned from the 2008 games as we already knew but that they were also now voted out of the 2012 games. I don't get it. Baseball is one of the most popular sports in the world. Certainly not soccer but in North and South America and the Far East it's huge.
Baseball organizers are hoping that the upcoming WBC (World Baseball Classic) will expand the game even further globally. If that's the case and the WBC helps to increase baseball's popularity wouldn't it make sense to have it as an Olympic sport again? At this rate even if baseball blows up worldwide this year it won't be an Olympic sport until at least 2016. Way to kill momentum IOC.
Softball on the other hand shouldn't have been voted out all together. Baseball at least has the MLB to keep it going. Softball's one defining moment was the Olympics. Now what are softball players supposed to look forward to? Getting old and coaching a high school team? If we want to create a level playing field for female athletes why are getting ride of the defining moment for one of their signature sports? That makes less sense than what NBC is doing.
3. Is Wayne Gretzky serious? He said yesterday during a press conference that he doesn't want to talk about the NHL betting scandal anymore. That he'll only answer questions about the Olympics and Team Canada.
I'm sorry Wayne but you don't get to decide when you're done talking about the scandal. A grand jury does. Until that case is over you have to talk about it. Your wife made bets with the mob through your assistant coach. You're guilty by association at the very least although I'm willing to bet (pun definitely intended) that you're even guiltier than that.
Gambling by professional athletes is a serious manner. It brings into question the integrity of the game. It's why one of the greatest baseball players ever to play the game, Pete Rose, can't get into the Hall of Fame. And it's why this media firestorm won't go away no matter how many times you say you're done talking about it.
You're just like Jason Giambi, who said last week, that he wants to put the steriods scandal behind him. Sorry Jason but you don't get to decide that. We won't just forgive and forget that easily. I'm just so sick and tired of professional athletes trying to dodge the truth so that they get on with playing a game. You made mistakes and now you both have to live with them. Get over yourselves.
4. From the white covered mountains of Torino to the White House. I'm sure by now you've all heard about Vice President Dick Cheney shooting a pal during a quail hunt. You would have to be a complete idiot not to have.
It may have been an accident and Mr. Wellington may have even been the one at fault but I can't stand the Bush Administration and their feeble attempts to cover it up. Scott McClellan, the poor White House press secretary, has been bombarded by questions about the slow response to the event ever since word got out that nearly 18 hours elapsed before the press was notified about it....by a local citizen. Like the White House wasn't going to say anything if they weren't asked about it.
And what really burns me up is now that they're being asked about it they're trying to, ala Gretzky, cast the questions aside. McClellan kicked off his briefing yesterday by talking about energy concerns failing to even mentioned the incident that was on the forefront of every reporter's mind. How could he have omitted that? Not even an update on Mr. Wellington's health? After all, the man had just suffered a shooting related heart attack.
I'm sorry but this is a big story. This isn't just a hunting accident. This isn't just something to joke about on the late night circuit. This is the second in command of the most powerful nation on Earth shooting another person in the face. A Vice President of the United States hasn't shot someone since A. Burr was in a duel. This is a historical moment to be sure.
So that begs the obvious questions that reporters like David Gregory are right to ask. Why the slow response? Why wasn't the press notified? Why were they notified by a private citizen and not the White House directly. Why doesn't the White House want to talk about it?
Maybe there's more to the story than has been revealed. Maybe the Vice President could be investigated for homicide if Mr. Wellington turns for the worse. Maybe, just maybe, the Bush Administration is trying to cover something even bigger up.
To that end, I arrived at the newsstand yesterday during lunch at the same time as this crazy old guy. He struck up a conversation with me and blasted the Bush Administration for their handling of the situation. He thinks something's up and I believed him. After all, when it comes to government conspiracy theories it's always the crazy people who have the inside scoop.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Much Ado About Nothing
So I'm on the subway yesterday morning and this cute blonde who looks like she knows her way around a museum keeps checking me out. At first I dismissed because I was half asleep but then I realized that she actually was checking me out.
Right away I began to go through the mental checklist of reasons why she might be checking me out. I immediately checked to see if my fly was down but it was firmly in place. I then thought that perhaps I had something on my face but I quickly cast that thought aside because undoubtedly my mom would have licked her finger and taken it off her herself in front of everyone on the train platform if there really was something there.
Considering that my glasses were crooked, I hadn't shaved, my outfit didn't match, and my hair was going off in different directions like Cheney's bullets I knew she wasn't checking me out for my dashing good looks. Then it dawned on me.
She was checking me out because it was Valentine's Day. A hopeless romantic who was dateless this year she was probably sizing me up, saying to herself, 'now there's a guy who definitely doesn't have plans for tonight. With a little bit of hair gel and some contacts he wouldn't look half bad. I wonder if he wants to watch the Notebook with me?'
And that's the same look that several other girls gave me throughout the day. That, 'I wonder what he's doing tonight look'. And I don't get it. Is it really that important to have plans on Valentine's Day? It's just a stupid hallmark holiday anyway. Wouldn't you rather save your money and buy all the left over chocolate when it goes on sale in two days?
I know I would. And I also know that I would never be caught dead wearing red on Valentine's Day. My buddy Kevin at work wasn't so lucky. When I confronted him he claimed that he had nothing else to wear. Yeah, right. He's a sucker for the holidays just like everyone else.
And to me there's nothing wrong with that. You can be in the holiday spirit all you want. I certainly wasn't complaining when my boss brought in chocolates for everyone. Where I draw the line is when blogger turns into patented B in an orange circle logo into a heart. When grown women act all upset that they don't have a Valentine. Like they're still in high school and nobody decorated their locker on their birthday. When people are making out on the train and acting all lovey-dovey.
This is going to sound wrong but there's a time and a place for everything. And Valentine's Day isn't the place for that kind of behavior. It's just another day. Much ado about nothing if you ask me.
Right away I began to go through the mental checklist of reasons why she might be checking me out. I immediately checked to see if my fly was down but it was firmly in place. I then thought that perhaps I had something on my face but I quickly cast that thought aside because undoubtedly my mom would have licked her finger and taken it off her herself in front of everyone on the train platform if there really was something there.
Considering that my glasses were crooked, I hadn't shaved, my outfit didn't match, and my hair was going off in different directions like Cheney's bullets I knew she wasn't checking me out for my dashing good looks. Then it dawned on me.
She was checking me out because it was Valentine's Day. A hopeless romantic who was dateless this year she was probably sizing me up, saying to herself, 'now there's a guy who definitely doesn't have plans for tonight. With a little bit of hair gel and some contacts he wouldn't look half bad. I wonder if he wants to watch the Notebook with me?'
And that's the same look that several other girls gave me throughout the day. That, 'I wonder what he's doing tonight look'. And I don't get it. Is it really that important to have plans on Valentine's Day? It's just a stupid hallmark holiday anyway. Wouldn't you rather save your money and buy all the left over chocolate when it goes on sale in two days?
I know I would. And I also know that I would never be caught dead wearing red on Valentine's Day. My buddy Kevin at work wasn't so lucky. When I confronted him he claimed that he had nothing else to wear. Yeah, right. He's a sucker for the holidays just like everyone else.
And to me there's nothing wrong with that. You can be in the holiday spirit all you want. I certainly wasn't complaining when my boss brought in chocolates for everyone. Where I draw the line is when blogger turns into patented B in an orange circle logo into a heart. When grown women act all upset that they don't have a Valentine. Like they're still in high school and nobody decorated their locker on their birthday. When people are making out on the train and acting all lovey-dovey.
This is going to sound wrong but there's a time and a place for everything. And Valentine's Day isn't the place for that kind of behavior. It's just another day. Much ado about nothing if you ask me.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
V is for Video Games
This year V isn't for Valentine's Day. It's not even for Vendetta as in that soon to be released Natalie Portman blockbuster. Rather, this year, V is for Video Games because that's what I'll be doing tonight while everyone else is out to dinner wearing that ugly home made red sweater their grandmothers gave to them for Christmas.
It's sad I know but I'm honestly so far removed from the dating scene that I didn't even realize that Valentine's day was coming up. Maybe it has been overshadowed by the Olympics and the record setting snowfall over the weekend but in general it has seemed to be a very anti-climatic holiday this year. It's kind of just snuck up on us. Although in my case it's been very anti-climaxic as well because I won't be getting any.
But that's okay with me. It can sneak up on me all it wants. The quicker it's here, the quicker it'll be over, and then I can go back to turning down hot blondes because their ankles are too chubby and not have to feel sorry for myself that I don't have a date on the biggest date night of the year.
Last year I felt differently. Last year, I throw up a hail mary on 4th and 20 from the 1 yard line going on a blind jdate just to feel like I wasn't a total loser. We went to a coffee shop, talked for a little while, and actually had a very nice time. Unfortunately, she had a birthmark in the wrong place, and I never called her back.
That's why this year I'll be playing Die Hard With a Vengeance for Playstation and saving my money for my annual post Valentine's Day trip to the therapist. Now don't go and feel sorry for me. I'm totally cool with it. After all, it's not my fault that when it comes to my love life Cupid's aim is worse than Dick Cheney's.
It's sad I know but I'm honestly so far removed from the dating scene that I didn't even realize that Valentine's day was coming up. Maybe it has been overshadowed by the Olympics and the record setting snowfall over the weekend but in general it has seemed to be a very anti-climatic holiday this year. It's kind of just snuck up on us. Although in my case it's been very anti-climaxic as well because I won't be getting any.
But that's okay with me. It can sneak up on me all it wants. The quicker it's here, the quicker it'll be over, and then I can go back to turning down hot blondes because their ankles are too chubby and not have to feel sorry for myself that I don't have a date on the biggest date night of the year.
Last year I felt differently. Last year, I throw up a hail mary on 4th and 20 from the 1 yard line going on a blind jdate just to feel like I wasn't a total loser. We went to a coffee shop, talked for a little while, and actually had a very nice time. Unfortunately, she had a birthmark in the wrong place, and I never called her back.
That's why this year I'll be playing Die Hard With a Vengeance for Playstation and saving my money for my annual post Valentine's Day trip to the therapist. Now don't go and feel sorry for me. I'm totally cool with it. After all, it's not my fault that when it comes to my love life Cupid's aim is worse than Dick Cheney's.
Monday, February 13, 2006
The Blizzard of 2006
Well it finally happened. That damn groundhog was right again and after a pretty mild winter we got hammered with two feet of snow over the weekend. Now I can turn on my tv and see snow at the Olympic games or just look out the window. When am I moving to Florida again?
The near record downfall has left me snowed in and given me plenty of time to search for jobs and clean my room. Yeah, right. All I've done all weekend, thanks to Russell, is play pokerstars.com. I've also found a little bit of time to play video games, research fantasy baseball players, and blog.
Speaking of which while I was outside shovelling for 6 hours today I thought of a few snow related thoughts. First off, how come as a society we haven't invented a better way of removing the snow? Is a shovel, ice scraper, and plow attached to the front of a pick up truck the best that we can do? Can't we install a nationwide heating system that heats the streets via steam coming up from the sewer system thereby melting the snow so that we don't have to pile it up? I mean, some how, some way there has to be an easier way than back breaking shovelling.
Secondly, why can't we invent warmer clothing? Is it really necesary for me to have to wear 7 layers? I literally had two pairs of socks on, underwear, long johns, three pairs of pants, six layers over my upper body with a hood, ear warmer, and of course gloves. That's a little ridicilious don't you think? I'm doing laundry again already and I just did it yesterday!
And lastly have you ever noticed that it only snows on the weekend? It's like I'm not allowed to miss a day of work or something. So work won't be cancelled and I'll show up only to find out that there's nothing to do because no one else could make it in. That's like when I was in college and classes would still be on, so I'd sledge all the way across campus, just to find a note on the door that said class cancelled because the teacher who lives in Cape Code couldn't make it in. Unbelievable!
I would rant more, especially about punk kids who think it's funny to throw snowballs at my car but I should go now and thaw out. After all, it's kind of hard to type when you can't feel your fingers.
The near record downfall has left me snowed in and given me plenty of time to search for jobs and clean my room. Yeah, right. All I've done all weekend, thanks to Russell, is play pokerstars.com. I've also found a little bit of time to play video games, research fantasy baseball players, and blog.
Speaking of which while I was outside shovelling for 6 hours today I thought of a few snow related thoughts. First off, how come as a society we haven't invented a better way of removing the snow? Is a shovel, ice scraper, and plow attached to the front of a pick up truck the best that we can do? Can't we install a nationwide heating system that heats the streets via steam coming up from the sewer system thereby melting the snow so that we don't have to pile it up? I mean, some how, some way there has to be an easier way than back breaking shovelling.
Secondly, why can't we invent warmer clothing? Is it really necesary for me to have to wear 7 layers? I literally had two pairs of socks on, underwear, long johns, three pairs of pants, six layers over my upper body with a hood, ear warmer, and of course gloves. That's a little ridicilious don't you think? I'm doing laundry again already and I just did it yesterday!
And lastly have you ever noticed that it only snows on the weekend? It's like I'm not allowed to miss a day of work or something. So work won't be cancelled and I'll show up only to find out that there's nothing to do because no one else could make it in. That's like when I was in college and classes would still be on, so I'd sledge all the way across campus, just to find a note on the door that said class cancelled because the teacher who lives in Cape Code couldn't make it in. Unbelievable!
I would rant more, especially about punk kids who think it's funny to throw snowballs at my car but I should go now and thaw out. After all, it's kind of hard to type when you can't feel your fingers.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Girlfriend of the Week: Maria
Growing up I used to be ashamed to admit that I was a wrestling fan. I remember quickly changing the channel everytime my mom would come downstairs. It made for some awkward conservations when I would accidentally change the channel to HGTV and then have to explain to my mom how I wasn't gay.
But after the debut of Diva Search contestant Maria a few months ago I'm no longer ashamed to admit that I watch. Sure, the action is scripted, the storylines concocted, and the moves fake but does any of that even matter when you have eye candy like this conducting the backstage interviews and occassionally mixing it up in the ring as she did last week?
I don't think so.
But after the debut of Diva Search contestant Maria a few months ago I'm no longer ashamed to admit that I watch. Sure, the action is scripted, the storylines concocted, and the moves fake but does any of that even matter when you have eye candy like this conducting the backstage interviews and occassionally mixing it up in the ring as she did last week?
I don't think so.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
I've seen the site of this year's Winter Olympics written as both Turin and Torino. I guess in that regard the Olympics are a lot like Chanukah.
ESPN 1050 host and Yankee broadcaster Michael Kay had the line of the week when he said that the Olympics are overblown and that the only heritage that should matter is that we're all humans and where we're from shouldn't matter.
Add inspector gadget and Beeker from Sesame Street to the list of animated characters that I look like. They join Waldo, Harry Potter, Jimmy Neutron, Arthur the Aardvark, and Curious George.
Well it looks like the Waldrobe Malfunction this year was Mic Jagger's underarm flab.
I wonder which 'safe act' will get chosen to play the Super Bowl next year? El Divo perhaps? Or maybe it will be William Hung.
The best part about the Super Bowl were all the Lost promos.
The best part about the Super Bowl being on ABC and not NBC - getting spared all the Winter Olympic promos.
I must have a really hard time saying my own name. Whenever I say it people think I said something entirely different. They usually hear Fred. One time in a restaurant the server thought my name was Track. And earlier in the week at the gym someone thought that I said my name was Crank.
I hear the Jets are looking to hire a new salary cap guru. I'm 23 and have no experience. I would apply but I think I'm overqualified.
Is it me or is 'When a Stranger Calls' a blantant rip off of 'Scream'?
Don't you think it's ironic that there's a gambling scandal in a league whose commissioner is named Bettman?
Did you hear about ABC sportscaster Al Michaels got traded to NBC for the rights to animated cartoon character Oswald the lucky rabbit? That's got to be the biggest slap in the face of all time. That's like a baseball player literally getting traded for a bag of balls.
I've seen the site of this year's Winter Olympics written as both Turin and Torino. I guess in that regard the Olympics are a lot like Chanukah.
ESPN 1050 host and Yankee broadcaster Michael Kay had the line of the week when he said that the Olympics are overblown and that the only heritage that should matter is that we're all humans and where we're from shouldn't matter.
Add inspector gadget and Beeker from Sesame Street to the list of animated characters that I look like. They join Waldo, Harry Potter, Jimmy Neutron, Arthur the Aardvark, and Curious George.
Well it looks like the Waldrobe Malfunction this year was Mic Jagger's underarm flab.
I wonder which 'safe act' will get chosen to play the Super Bowl next year? El Divo perhaps? Or maybe it will be William Hung.
The best part about the Super Bowl were all the Lost promos.
The best part about the Super Bowl being on ABC and not NBC - getting spared all the Winter Olympic promos.
I must have a really hard time saying my own name. Whenever I say it people think I said something entirely different. They usually hear Fred. One time in a restaurant the server thought my name was Track. And earlier in the week at the gym someone thought that I said my name was Crank.
I hear the Jets are looking to hire a new salary cap guru. I'm 23 and have no experience. I would apply but I think I'm overqualified.
Is it me or is 'When a Stranger Calls' a blantant rip off of 'Scream'?
Don't you think it's ironic that there's a gambling scandal in a league whose commissioner is named Bettman?
Did you hear about ABC sportscaster Al Michaels got traded to NBC for the rights to animated cartoon character Oswald the lucky rabbit? That's got to be the biggest slap in the face of all time. That's like a baseball player literally getting traded for a bag of balls.
Friday, February 10, 2006
2006 Winter Olympics Preview
Well it's time for my 12th Olympic Games and to be honest with you the only things I can remember from the first 11 are Tonya Harding, the Dream Team, Canadian judges, the security guard turned hero turned suspect in Atlanta, and Mary Lou Retton.
I hope that these games, while lacking in hype (the locals don't even seem to care), will wind up being more memorable than past versions. The Shames-o-matic prediction meter seems to think they will be. Here's a look at what I expect to go down:
The U.S. will win the most medals in the history of the Olympic games showing our unmatched access to designer steriods, er, I mean our athletic superiority.
Included in our impressive medal count will be an entire sweep of every event involving the words snow and board. That's three medals per event per gender. That will single handedly help set the record for most medals.
Shaun White and Lindsey Jacobellis will become house hold names.
China will garner the second most medals showing that they are a country to be reckoned with in the near future. Cold War 2 anyone?
After speed skating and ice skating debacles in the last Olympics chances are pretty good that this time around they'll be another judging controversy involving a sport that takes place on ice.
Da Ali G will win women's figure skating gold and become America's new sweetheart.
Michelle Kwan will come in a disappointing 8th place after several falls and will announce her retirement.
NBC will announce that a 3 am television infomercial featuring workout fiend Billy Blanks earned a higher rating than curling.
Katie Couric will upstage the entire Olympics and send shockwaves throughout the news world with her stunning announcement that she's leaving NBC to become the lead 6pm news anchor at CBS.
A bomb scare will cancel at least one event.
Attendance will be at an all time low because nobody knows where the hell Turin is.
All of the hockey teams will stage a lock out and just like with the NHL nobody will notice for six months.
Speaking of hockey Team Canada will win the gold medal for the second straight time after rallying around embattled GM Wayne Gretzky.
At least one local product from Italy will win gold and become the talk of the town. Chances are it will be a downhill skier.
Bode Miller will say something stupid, almost get kicked off the team, and then win a gold medal. Afterwards he will reveal that he did it while hungover. Miller and David Wells will then co-author a book titled, 'how to set records while hungover'.
To raise awareness about softball getting eliminated as an Olympic sport Jenny Finch will go down the luge naked.
I hope that these games, while lacking in hype (the locals don't even seem to care), will wind up being more memorable than past versions. The Shames-o-matic prediction meter seems to think they will be. Here's a look at what I expect to go down:
The U.S. will win the most medals in the history of the Olympic games showing our unmatched access to designer steriods, er, I mean our athletic superiority.
Included in our impressive medal count will be an entire sweep of every event involving the words snow and board. That's three medals per event per gender. That will single handedly help set the record for most medals.
Shaun White and Lindsey Jacobellis will become house hold names.
China will garner the second most medals showing that they are a country to be reckoned with in the near future. Cold War 2 anyone?
After speed skating and ice skating debacles in the last Olympics chances are pretty good that this time around they'll be another judging controversy involving a sport that takes place on ice.
Da Ali G will win women's figure skating gold and become America's new sweetheart.
Michelle Kwan will come in a disappointing 8th place after several falls and will announce her retirement.
NBC will announce that a 3 am television infomercial featuring workout fiend Billy Blanks earned a higher rating than curling.
Katie Couric will upstage the entire Olympics and send shockwaves throughout the news world with her stunning announcement that she's leaving NBC to become the lead 6pm news anchor at CBS.
A bomb scare will cancel at least one event.
Attendance will be at an all time low because nobody knows where the hell Turin is.
All of the hockey teams will stage a lock out and just like with the NHL nobody will notice for six months.
Speaking of hockey Team Canada will win the gold medal for the second straight time after rallying around embattled GM Wayne Gretzky.
At least one local product from Italy will win gold and become the talk of the town. Chances are it will be a downhill skier.
Bode Miller will say something stupid, almost get kicked off the team, and then win a gold medal. Afterwards he will reveal that he did it while hungover. Miller and David Wells will then co-author a book titled, 'how to set records while hungover'.
To raise awareness about softball getting eliminated as an Olympic sport Jenny Finch will go down the luge naked.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
You Call This Journalism?
I've become very upset recently with the journalistic quality of some things I've been reading. I know good journalism when I see it having won awards from Newsday for my high school sports reporting and what I've been seeing lately is not good journalism. As such here are two letters to the editor that I would send in if I wasn't so lazy:
1. To the New York Daily News. Re: Wrestling columnist.
First off, I just wanted to say that I think it's great that you have wrestling coverage in your newspaper both in terms of a weekly column and how you publish the match results from events. Most newspapers don't consider wrestling a 'real' sport and therefore something worthy of their print. It has a huge following though and is about as real as boxing these days so I give you credit for informing your readers about it. It's that kind of outside the box thinking that has earned you the title of 'New York's Best Sports Section.'
However, I am writing to you today not to applaud you but rather to rip you for employing a no-nothing hack as your wrestling columnist. All he does is give a play by play recap of events that most of us already know the results to. He provides no insight, analysis, or information that we couldn't get ourselves just by watching the shows. All he does is annoy us with references to his fictional aunts Thelma and Louise.
His columns aren't funny or informative and they provide no motivation to continue reading them. I'm glad that you cover wrestling but it pains me to see the idea wasted in this format. There are hundreds of columnists who write for various pro wrestling websites. Why not hire one of them to do your reporting instead of this ass clown?
It's no wonder that he writes under an alias and hides his face behind a mask. I would too if my writing was as bad as his. Please do us all a favor and not even have wrestling coverage if this is the best that you can do.
Sincerely,
A concerned wrestling fan and Daily News subscriber
2. To Street & Smith's. Re: Baseball Preview Edition
I bought your annual baseball preview magazine while on my lunch break recently because I wanted something informative that would prime me for my 20 upcoming fantasy baseball drafts. I didn't expect your magazine to be completely up to date with all the latest roster transactions considering it's early publication date. I was okay with that. I really just wanted to see last year's statistics and I liked that you listed each team's top ten prospects.
However, while skimming through your magazine I quickly became highly disappointed in the quality of your work. On the Yankees' preview page you mention in the transaction column that they added relief pitcher Ron Villone from the Marlins in a trade. But then when you list the members of their bullpen there's no mention of Villone. Why the exclusion?
Worse off, when reading about the defending World Series champion Chicago White Sox I was surprised to learn that they no longer had 18 game winner Jon Garland on their pitching staff? Had they traded him without me knowing about it? Nope, he was there on their 40 man roster. There was just no mention of him in the article and his name was omitted from the projected rotation in favor of rookie Brandon McCarthy. How you can forget about a 18 game winner like Garland is beyond me. Maybe you're just clairvoyant and figure that the White Sox will just trade him during spring training as has been rumored.
I'm sure there are other typos and ommissions but after the Garland snafu I stopped reading so I can't tell you for sure if there are. To make up for your shotty journalism I would ideally like for you to mail me a check for $6.99 but since that's not going to happen I just want you to know that I'm going to start my own baseball preview magazine. It's going to be entirely written by first graders and something tells me that it'll be better written that yours.
Sincerely,
A 'disappointed' reader
1. To the New York Daily News. Re: Wrestling columnist.
First off, I just wanted to say that I think it's great that you have wrestling coverage in your newspaper both in terms of a weekly column and how you publish the match results from events. Most newspapers don't consider wrestling a 'real' sport and therefore something worthy of their print. It has a huge following though and is about as real as boxing these days so I give you credit for informing your readers about it. It's that kind of outside the box thinking that has earned you the title of 'New York's Best Sports Section.'
However, I am writing to you today not to applaud you but rather to rip you for employing a no-nothing hack as your wrestling columnist. All he does is give a play by play recap of events that most of us already know the results to. He provides no insight, analysis, or information that we couldn't get ourselves just by watching the shows. All he does is annoy us with references to his fictional aunts Thelma and Louise.
His columns aren't funny or informative and they provide no motivation to continue reading them. I'm glad that you cover wrestling but it pains me to see the idea wasted in this format. There are hundreds of columnists who write for various pro wrestling websites. Why not hire one of them to do your reporting instead of this ass clown?
It's no wonder that he writes under an alias and hides his face behind a mask. I would too if my writing was as bad as his. Please do us all a favor and not even have wrestling coverage if this is the best that you can do.
Sincerely,
A concerned wrestling fan and Daily News subscriber
2. To Street & Smith's. Re: Baseball Preview Edition
I bought your annual baseball preview magazine while on my lunch break recently because I wanted something informative that would prime me for my 20 upcoming fantasy baseball drafts. I didn't expect your magazine to be completely up to date with all the latest roster transactions considering it's early publication date. I was okay with that. I really just wanted to see last year's statistics and I liked that you listed each team's top ten prospects.
However, while skimming through your magazine I quickly became highly disappointed in the quality of your work. On the Yankees' preview page you mention in the transaction column that they added relief pitcher Ron Villone from the Marlins in a trade. But then when you list the members of their bullpen there's no mention of Villone. Why the exclusion?
Worse off, when reading about the defending World Series champion Chicago White Sox I was surprised to learn that they no longer had 18 game winner Jon Garland on their pitching staff? Had they traded him without me knowing about it? Nope, he was there on their 40 man roster. There was just no mention of him in the article and his name was omitted from the projected rotation in favor of rookie Brandon McCarthy. How you can forget about a 18 game winner like Garland is beyond me. Maybe you're just clairvoyant and figure that the White Sox will just trade him during spring training as has been rumored.
I'm sure there are other typos and ommissions but after the Garland snafu I stopped reading so I can't tell you for sure if there are. To make up for your shotty journalism I would ideally like for you to mail me a check for $6.99 but since that's not going to happen I just want you to know that I'm going to start my own baseball preview magazine. It's going to be entirely written by first graders and something tells me that it'll be better written that yours.
Sincerely,
A 'disappointed' reader
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Yes, There Is a GOD!!!!
And that's coming from an athiest! I might have to change my religious views after picking up the NY Post yesterday and learning that in the new Vanity Fair my girlfriend (she just doesn't know it yet) Keira Knightley will be posing partially nude with fellow Hollywood hottie Scarlett Johnasson for their annual Hollywood edition.
Apparently, my affection for Keira is felt by others as this revelation was quickly becoming the stuff of water cooler legend. Even reputable news source CNN picked up the story on their website.
The only thing that could have made this issue hotter was if Rachel McAdams was in the spread too and it turns out she almost was but balked after learning of the nudity. Too bad. That would have been the highest selling Vanity Fair of all time. It probably still will be. And that's just from the copies I'll be buying. Forget my car down payment or first month's rent in Florida. This is more important!
Apparently, my affection for Keira is felt by others as this revelation was quickly becoming the stuff of water cooler legend. Even reputable news source CNN picked up the story on their website.
The only thing that could have made this issue hotter was if Rachel McAdams was in the spread too and it turns out she almost was but balked after learning of the nudity. Too bad. That would have been the highest selling Vanity Fair of all time. It probably still will be. And that's just from the copies I'll be buying. Forget my car down payment or first month's rent in Florida. This is more important!
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
The day after the Super Bowl is famous for two things: 1. The losing team pointing fingers at bad calls made by the officials. And 2. In depth analysis of all the multi million dollar ad campaigns. Since I've already ripped the officiating, saying amongst other things that they acted more like blind mice than zebras, it's time to analyze the best and worst commercials as only I can.
Keep in mind though that my only criteria for judging is that a good commercial is one in which Brian, Russell, Joanne, and I laughed and a bad commercial is one in which we didn't.
The Good:
1. The Don't Judge Too Quickly series in particular the one in the hospital with the doctor zapping a bug and declaring him dead just as the patient's family walks in.
2. The Magic Fridge - This commercial looked eerily familar like I had seen it before or even dreamt it up myself but nonetheless an instant classic. Beer commercials more than any other product's commercials should be funny so you remember them like the Budweiser talking frog series. Similarly this one will resonate for a while.
3. The Fedex commercial with the cavemen. Historically inaccurate since cavemen and dinosaurs didn't roam the Earth at the same time but still a very good spot regardless. The cruel twist of irony at the end was priceless.
4. The mastercard commercial with McGvyer. If only because it was a commercial with the greatest tv star of the 80's. The only thing better would have been a spot with the A Team.
The bad:
1. The Burger King whoppettes - some people in my test group actually liked this spot, especially the ending with all the toppings piling on each other. I however, couldn't stand the song and dance routine. It reminded me too much of a bad episode of the Drew Carey Show. The only thing that was missing was Mimi.
2. The Diet Pepsi can campaign - trying to market a can that doesn't do anything other than fizzle as a pop star has got to be one of the worst ideas of all time. Just because it's soda pop doesn't mean there's an obvious transition there to pop culture. It was such a stretch that it would have made Gumbi proud. The fact that P.Diddy was in it just made it that much worse. The man can't find a band or settle on a name. Why should I buy something he's endorsing? And Jackie Chan co-starring alongside a pepsi can? At least that's better than some of Chan's other recent co-stars like Chris Tucker and Jennifer Love Hewitt.
3. Any regular commercial - why waste money on releasing a straight forward ad even if it's for a new product like Gillette's new five blade razor. Only comical spots should air during the game.
4. Similarly don't air tired old ad campaigns like the Career Builder monkey spots. The Super Bowl is the time to break out fresh material and try it out on the biggest audience of the year.
All in all, there were a few good spots and a few ones that were so bad I've already forgotten them. The best part about the entire night though had to have been all the Lost promos and lest I forget the trailer for the Pirates of the Caribbean trailer. Posedion also looks like the kind of big budget action movie that I will run out to see even if Will Smith isn't in it.
Otherwise it was a pretty non descript night. Let's just hope that for next year's game they come up with some more creative stuff.
Keep in mind though that my only criteria for judging is that a good commercial is one in which Brian, Russell, Joanne, and I laughed and a bad commercial is one in which we didn't.
The Good:
1. The Don't Judge Too Quickly series in particular the one in the hospital with the doctor zapping a bug and declaring him dead just as the patient's family walks in.
2. The Magic Fridge - This commercial looked eerily familar like I had seen it before or even dreamt it up myself but nonetheless an instant classic. Beer commercials more than any other product's commercials should be funny so you remember them like the Budweiser talking frog series. Similarly this one will resonate for a while.
3. The Fedex commercial with the cavemen. Historically inaccurate since cavemen and dinosaurs didn't roam the Earth at the same time but still a very good spot regardless. The cruel twist of irony at the end was priceless.
4. The mastercard commercial with McGvyer. If only because it was a commercial with the greatest tv star of the 80's. The only thing better would have been a spot with the A Team.
The bad:
1. The Burger King whoppettes - some people in my test group actually liked this spot, especially the ending with all the toppings piling on each other. I however, couldn't stand the song and dance routine. It reminded me too much of a bad episode of the Drew Carey Show. The only thing that was missing was Mimi.
2. The Diet Pepsi can campaign - trying to market a can that doesn't do anything other than fizzle as a pop star has got to be one of the worst ideas of all time. Just because it's soda pop doesn't mean there's an obvious transition there to pop culture. It was such a stretch that it would have made Gumbi proud. The fact that P.Diddy was in it just made it that much worse. The man can't find a band or settle on a name. Why should I buy something he's endorsing? And Jackie Chan co-starring alongside a pepsi can? At least that's better than some of Chan's other recent co-stars like Chris Tucker and Jennifer Love Hewitt.
3. Any regular commercial - why waste money on releasing a straight forward ad even if it's for a new product like Gillette's new five blade razor. Only comical spots should air during the game.
4. Similarly don't air tired old ad campaigns like the Career Builder monkey spots. The Super Bowl is the time to break out fresh material and try it out on the biggest audience of the year.
All in all, there were a few good spots and a few ones that were so bad I've already forgotten them. The best part about the entire night though had to have been all the Lost promos and lest I forget the trailer for the Pirates of the Caribbean trailer. Posedion also looks like the kind of big budget action movie that I will run out to see even if Will Smith isn't in it.
Otherwise it was a pretty non descript night. Let's just hope that for next year's game they come up with some more creative stuff.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Seattle Got Screwed
That's right I said it. And I'm not going to mince words either. Seattle got screwed. Last night in Super Bowl XL the Pittsburgh Steelers didn't win one for the thumb. The National Football League gave them one for the thumb.
I guess it made for a good story. What with Jerome Bettis announcing that the Bus had made it's finaly stop after he hoisted the Vince Lombardi trophy. What with Bill Cowher finally shedding the loser label as his wife and kids hugged him joyoulsy on the sidelines after the game. What with legendary owner Don Rooney finally getting his elusive fifth ring.
Those are touching stories and I guess the NFL wanted the Steelers to win for those reasons. But it shouldn't have been this way. Pro wrestling is fixed. Heck, even boxing is fixed. But the NFL shouldn't be. And yet now on the morning after the big game I have my doubts.
Maybe I'm just a crazy conspiracy theorist who believes that aliens helped build the Great Pyramids and that a Dick Cheney clone is currently the Vice President of the United States after the real Dick Cheney died of a heart attack three years ago. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm onto something.
I mean, Ben Roethlisberger clearly didn't get across the goal line on his now infamous dive. That call was worse than the phantom knockout in 'Snake Eyes'. That holding call that took back a long passing by that would have given the Seahawks first and goal on the 2 yard line? Puhlease, that was the worst call of all time. Only to be outdone by the offensive pass interference call that negated a Darrell Jackson first quarter touchdown. Or the long Peter Warrick punt return that was called back. And no one is even making a big stink about the fact that the play in which a Seahawks player hit the pilon while falling out of bounds was never even reviewed. He may have been out before he touched the pilon but how do you not review that?
And those were just the five big plays that stand out. I'm sure there were countless other examples. It just seemed as though every time the Seahawks had a big gain it was negated. But when the Steelers did there were no penalties. Like I'm supposed to be believe that Willie Parker can break free for a 60 yard td run without their being holding. This is Willie "Peter" Parker we're talking about. Not Walter Payton.
As far as I'm concerned the NFL should be ashamed of themselves. This win is tainted and everyone from Seattle to Pittsburgh knows it.
I guess it made for a good story. What with Jerome Bettis announcing that the Bus had made it's finaly stop after he hoisted the Vince Lombardi trophy. What with Bill Cowher finally shedding the loser label as his wife and kids hugged him joyoulsy on the sidelines after the game. What with legendary owner Don Rooney finally getting his elusive fifth ring.
Those are touching stories and I guess the NFL wanted the Steelers to win for those reasons. But it shouldn't have been this way. Pro wrestling is fixed. Heck, even boxing is fixed. But the NFL shouldn't be. And yet now on the morning after the big game I have my doubts.
Maybe I'm just a crazy conspiracy theorist who believes that aliens helped build the Great Pyramids and that a Dick Cheney clone is currently the Vice President of the United States after the real Dick Cheney died of a heart attack three years ago. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm onto something.
I mean, Ben Roethlisberger clearly didn't get across the goal line on his now infamous dive. That call was worse than the phantom knockout in 'Snake Eyes'. That holding call that took back a long passing by that would have given the Seahawks first and goal on the 2 yard line? Puhlease, that was the worst call of all time. Only to be outdone by the offensive pass interference call that negated a Darrell Jackson first quarter touchdown. Or the long Peter Warrick punt return that was called back. And no one is even making a big stink about the fact that the play in which a Seahawks player hit the pilon while falling out of bounds was never even reviewed. He may have been out before he touched the pilon but how do you not review that?
And those were just the five big plays that stand out. I'm sure there were countless other examples. It just seemed as though every time the Seahawks had a big gain it was negated. But when the Steelers did there were no penalties. Like I'm supposed to be believe that Willie Parker can break free for a 60 yard td run without their being holding. This is Willie "Peter" Parker we're talking about. Not Walter Payton.
As far as I'm concerned the NFL should be ashamed of themselves. This win is tainted and everyone from Seattle to Pittsburgh knows it.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Girlfriend of the Week
In honor of Super Bowl Extra Large I've decided to pick the girls of the third annual lingerie bowl as my girlfriends of the week.
It was a no brainer really since you can't find a better half time show anywhere else. Waldrobe malfuncations. Lip syncing. Been there, done that.
None of it can even come close to a bunch of scantily glad models who know nothing about football running around in thongs trying to tackle each other as Lawrence Taylor yells instructions from the sidelines while trying to conceal his bonor.
So get your tivo's ready it's almost game time.
It was a no brainer really since you can't find a better half time show anywhere else. Waldrobe malfuncations. Lip syncing. Been there, done that.
None of it can even come close to a bunch of scantily glad models who know nothing about football running around in thongs trying to tackle each other as Lawrence Taylor yells instructions from the sidelines while trying to conceal his bonor.
So get your tivo's ready it's almost game time.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
How come some words have more than one meaning? What did they run out of words when they were assigning meanings to things that they had to go back and start doubling up? Why couldn't they just create more words? Snoop dog and my friend Tommy do it all the time!
Am I the only person who sees two cop cars idling next to each other in a parking lot and thinks drug deal?
Why do some people wash their hands before they go to the bathroom?
I hate whenever I go to say hello to someone and only a littel whimper comes out. Sometimes it's barely even audible. And now that person thinks that I didn't say hello back to them.
If a basketball player goes to dunk the ball and gets stuffed by the rim does the rim get credited with a blocked shot?
You gotta love New York weather. You can wear shorts in the winter and a fur coat in the summer. One day its warm, the next its cold. Oh yeah, there's nothing wrong with the ozone layer.
Why do some websites still give you an example of how to write an email address? Do people still not know what an email address is?
I have the worst luck. I went to the Knicks game on Friday night and of course Natalie Portman also went to the game...but on Tuesday.
Whoever said that the hurricanes that hit Florida last year were because God was punishing Florida for electing Bush president had the line of the week.
How come sports arenas can show celebrities on their big screens as a way of showing everyone else that their game is the place to be without having to pay those celebrities for being a spokesperson for them?
How come I haven't heard more people referring to Super Bowl 40 as being extra large?
How come some words have more than one meaning? What did they run out of words when they were assigning meanings to things that they had to go back and start doubling up? Why couldn't they just create more words? Snoop dog and my friend Tommy do it all the time!
Am I the only person who sees two cop cars idling next to each other in a parking lot and thinks drug deal?
Why do some people wash their hands before they go to the bathroom?
I hate whenever I go to say hello to someone and only a littel whimper comes out. Sometimes it's barely even audible. And now that person thinks that I didn't say hello back to them.
If a basketball player goes to dunk the ball and gets stuffed by the rim does the rim get credited with a blocked shot?
You gotta love New York weather. You can wear shorts in the winter and a fur coat in the summer. One day its warm, the next its cold. Oh yeah, there's nothing wrong with the ozone layer.
Why do some websites still give you an example of how to write an email address? Do people still not know what an email address is?
I have the worst luck. I went to the Knicks game on Friday night and of course Natalie Portman also went to the game...but on Tuesday.
Whoever said that the hurricanes that hit Florida last year were because God was punishing Florida for electing Bush president had the line of the week.
How come sports arenas can show celebrities on their big screens as a way of showing everyone else that their game is the place to be without having to pay those celebrities for being a spokesperson for them?
How come I haven't heard more people referring to Super Bowl 40 as being extra large?
Friday, February 03, 2006
Super Bowl Preview
Well it's that time again. Time to get all your friends together to watch the big game. Aka that thing that's on in between all the commercials. Seriously, if the Super Bowl wasn't the offical coming out party for new commericals would anybody not in Seattle or Pittsburh even watch? Maybe if they were in an office box pool. But other than that probably not.
Such is American football. It's our national pastime, sorry baseball, and yet it only is because of point spreads, commercials, and the fantasy sports craze. The actual game, aside from the occasional bone jarring hit isn't even that exciting. Come on don't look at me like that. You can't actually think that watching two 300 pound lineman pushing each other around is a great sport. If you like that why not just watch sumo wrestling. Trust me ordering the Direct TV sumo package would be a whole hell of a lot cheaper than the Sunday NFL ticket.
Anyway since so many people do care I might as well make my world renowned Shames-o-matic prediction. Unfortunately for my reputation this is a hard game to predict. I can envision scenarios under which both teams can win. First off, the Seahawks were 13-3 and the NFC's #1 seed and yet find themselves as underdogs to the AFC's 6th seed. That disrespect factor could fire up the whole team and inspire them to the victory. It doesn't hurt that they have the NFL MVP running the ball for them, a very good QB in Matt Hasselback and a highly underrated defense that can take over the game.
On the other hand the Steelers are playing inspired ball themselves trying to win one for the thumb while alse sending Jerome Bettis off into the sunset with a ring in his hometown. They also have the Patriots factor going for them. What I mean by that is that the Patriots ran out onto the field as one unit instead of coming out to individual player introductions when they won against the Rams.
In terms of inspirational coaching decisions the Steelers have decided to play in their road uniforms to continue their theme of being road warriors, having to win three times on the road just to get to the Super Bowl. They've been playing their best ball with their back to the wall so it makes sense that they would volunteer to do that again. The only question that remains is which inspirational factor and storyline will prevail? Will it be the road warrior Steelers with Big Ben and the Bus? Or the disrespected Seahawks with the 12th man in their corner? I honestly don't know.
The scenario that keeps playing out the most in my head is that the Steelers dominate the game physically. Play smash mouth football and run the ball down the Seahawks throats. They go up big late, say 10 points with 6 minutes left, and decide on a 4th and 1 from the Seahawks 40 to go for the first down rather than try a long field goal or poach punt. Bettis gets stuffed, the Seahawks take over on downs score a quick TD, recover the onside kick, hit the game tying field goal with 5 seconds left and send the game into over time. They then win the coin flip with QB Matt Hasselbeck talking trash to Steelers' LB Joey Porter while the coin is in the air to set the tone for the OT. In OT, Shaun Alexander claims the MVP with a game winning 60 yard run that goes down in history as one of the greatest individual efforts ever. Alexander finishes with 2 touchdowns and 208 yards.
In short, the Steelers dominant but choke and the Seahawks pull off the upset. Now what say you to that?
Such is American football. It's our national pastime, sorry baseball, and yet it only is because of point spreads, commercials, and the fantasy sports craze. The actual game, aside from the occasional bone jarring hit isn't even that exciting. Come on don't look at me like that. You can't actually think that watching two 300 pound lineman pushing each other around is a great sport. If you like that why not just watch sumo wrestling. Trust me ordering the Direct TV sumo package would be a whole hell of a lot cheaper than the Sunday NFL ticket.
Anyway since so many people do care I might as well make my world renowned Shames-o-matic prediction. Unfortunately for my reputation this is a hard game to predict. I can envision scenarios under which both teams can win. First off, the Seahawks were 13-3 and the NFC's #1 seed and yet find themselves as underdogs to the AFC's 6th seed. That disrespect factor could fire up the whole team and inspire them to the victory. It doesn't hurt that they have the NFL MVP running the ball for them, a very good QB in Matt Hasselback and a highly underrated defense that can take over the game.
On the other hand the Steelers are playing inspired ball themselves trying to win one for the thumb while alse sending Jerome Bettis off into the sunset with a ring in his hometown. They also have the Patriots factor going for them. What I mean by that is that the Patriots ran out onto the field as one unit instead of coming out to individual player introductions when they won against the Rams.
In terms of inspirational coaching decisions the Steelers have decided to play in their road uniforms to continue their theme of being road warriors, having to win three times on the road just to get to the Super Bowl. They've been playing their best ball with their back to the wall so it makes sense that they would volunteer to do that again. The only question that remains is which inspirational factor and storyline will prevail? Will it be the road warrior Steelers with Big Ben and the Bus? Or the disrespected Seahawks with the 12th man in their corner? I honestly don't know.
The scenario that keeps playing out the most in my head is that the Steelers dominate the game physically. Play smash mouth football and run the ball down the Seahawks throats. They go up big late, say 10 points with 6 minutes left, and decide on a 4th and 1 from the Seahawks 40 to go for the first down rather than try a long field goal or poach punt. Bettis gets stuffed, the Seahawks take over on downs score a quick TD, recover the onside kick, hit the game tying field goal with 5 seconds left and send the game into over time. They then win the coin flip with QB Matt Hasselbeck talking trash to Steelers' LB Joey Porter while the coin is in the air to set the tone for the OT. In OT, Shaun Alexander claims the MVP with a game winning 60 yard run that goes down in history as one of the greatest individual efforts ever. Alexander finishes with 2 touchdowns and 208 yards.
In short, the Steelers dominant but choke and the Seahawks pull off the upset. Now what say you to that?
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Help, I need money!!!!!
As I continue to solidify my plans to go to Florida I realized that I'm going to need a boatload of money to offset the high cost of being a high roller in Boca Raton. The kind of cash that I won't be able to make on a teacher's salary or temping. The kind of money befitting a man whose initials are C for cents and S for the dollar sign.
As such, I've though of a few ways to raise funds. Let me know what you think of these:
1. Craigapolooza - Like Mitchapolooza from Old School except Snoop Dog won't be performing and I won't wind up banging Elisha Cuthbert. Most likely outcome is that I charge $10 at the door and wind up making $20 after only Brian and Russell show up.
2. Sell my body to science - They could do experiments to determine if I really am a direct descendant of Big Foot.
3. Enter a sleep apnea study - Just for Erin.
4. Give multiple 'donations' to a sperm bank - scarry thought isn't it. A bunch of little Craigs running around. Don't worry this scenario is the least likely to happen....or is it?
5. Ask my therapist for my money back - she clearly didn't do a very good job.
6. Collect on all my debts - Ryan Carillo, you cheap bastard, you still owe me $10 from 7th grade fantasy baseball! You may have moved to Connecticut but you can't hide from me!
7. Ask my ex gf to pay me back for all the times I paid for her while we were dating plus interest - should come out to about $3,000!
8. Sell my baseball card collection - but if I get rid of all my Derek Jeter rookie cards what will I masturbate to?
9. Have a garage sale - One man's garbage is another man's treasure.
10. Have a bake sale or car wash - Would get me ready for going back to high school.
As such, I've though of a few ways to raise funds. Let me know what you think of these:
1. Craigapolooza - Like Mitchapolooza from Old School except Snoop Dog won't be performing and I won't wind up banging Elisha Cuthbert. Most likely outcome is that I charge $10 at the door and wind up making $20 after only Brian and Russell show up.
2. Sell my body to science - They could do experiments to determine if I really am a direct descendant of Big Foot.
3. Enter a sleep apnea study - Just for Erin.
4. Give multiple 'donations' to a sperm bank - scarry thought isn't it. A bunch of little Craigs running around. Don't worry this scenario is the least likely to happen....or is it?
5. Ask my therapist for my money back - she clearly didn't do a very good job.
6. Collect on all my debts - Ryan Carillo, you cheap bastard, you still owe me $10 from 7th grade fantasy baseball! You may have moved to Connecticut but you can't hide from me!
7. Ask my ex gf to pay me back for all the times I paid for her while we were dating plus interest - should come out to about $3,000!
8. Sell my baseball card collection - but if I get rid of all my Derek Jeter rookie cards what will I masturbate to?
9. Have a garage sale - One man's garbage is another man's treasure.
10. Have a bake sale or car wash - Would get me ready for going back to high school.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Media Day
Yesterday was the incredibly over hyped Super Bowl media day where all the media whores on both teams suck up to the ass clowns with media credentials. It's pointless really but did give me the idea to create a media day of my own in which I come up with what questions I would ask athletes and celebrities if given the chance. Enjoy:
Mary Kate Olsen - Why did you give yourself an eating disorder by thinking that Ashley was the hot one when you look EXACTLY the same?
Ben Roethlisberger - Which do you like better, the RoethlisBURGER or the Big Ben Burger?
Bill Cowher - Did you have anything to do with the security gate coming down, causing one of the Seahawks vans with Matt Hasselback and Shaun Alexander in it to get banged up?
Jake Gyllenhaal - Would you rather be remembered as Bubble Boy or a gay cowboy?
Martin Sheen - Since you played a President on tv and had the highest possible security clearance could you tell me who killed Kennedy and what's in Area 51.
Tom Cruise - Is the Church of Scientology brainwashing you?
Keira Knightley - Can I buy you a drink?
Brittany Snow - Will you marry me?
Sophia Bush - Are you looking for a rebound?
Natalie Portman - Are you looking for a nice jewish boy?
James Dolan - Is it really necesary for you to charge $4.50 for a 20 oz. bottle of coke?
Hurley from Lost - How come you've been desserted on an island for two months and haven't lost any weight yet?
Stephon Marbury - Can you start scoring 30 points per game again? It would really help my fantasy team. Thanks.
Rocky - When you eat are you actually hungry or do you just like to eat?
God - Why did you make me so hairy?
Mary Kate Olsen - Why did you give yourself an eating disorder by thinking that Ashley was the hot one when you look EXACTLY the same?
Ben Roethlisberger - Which do you like better, the RoethlisBURGER or the Big Ben Burger?
Bill Cowher - Did you have anything to do with the security gate coming down, causing one of the Seahawks vans with Matt Hasselback and Shaun Alexander in it to get banged up?
Jake Gyllenhaal - Would you rather be remembered as Bubble Boy or a gay cowboy?
Martin Sheen - Since you played a President on tv and had the highest possible security clearance could you tell me who killed Kennedy and what's in Area 51.
Tom Cruise - Is the Church of Scientology brainwashing you?
Keira Knightley - Can I buy you a drink?
Brittany Snow - Will you marry me?
Sophia Bush - Are you looking for a rebound?
Natalie Portman - Are you looking for a nice jewish boy?
James Dolan - Is it really necesary for you to charge $4.50 for a 20 oz. bottle of coke?
Hurley from Lost - How come you've been desserted on an island for two months and haven't lost any weight yet?
Stephon Marbury - Can you start scoring 30 points per game again? It would really help my fantasy team. Thanks.
Rocky - When you eat are you actually hungry or do you just like to eat?
God - Why did you make me so hairy?
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