Well it's time for my 12th Olympic Games and to be honest with you the only things I can remember from the first 11 are Tonya Harding, the Dream Team, Canadian judges, the security guard turned hero turned suspect in Atlanta, and Mary Lou Retton.
I hope that these games, while lacking in hype (the locals don't even seem to care), will wind up being more memorable than past versions. The Shames-o-matic prediction meter seems to think they will be. Here's a look at what I expect to go down:
The U.S. will win the most medals in the history of the Olympic games showing our unmatched access to designer steriods, er, I mean our athletic superiority.
Included in our impressive medal count will be an entire sweep of every event involving the words snow and board. That's three medals per event per gender. That will single handedly help set the record for most medals.
Shaun White and Lindsey Jacobellis will become house hold names.
China will garner the second most medals showing that they are a country to be reckoned with in the near future. Cold War 2 anyone?
After speed skating and ice skating debacles in the last Olympics chances are pretty good that this time around they'll be another judging controversy involving a sport that takes place on ice.
Da Ali G will win women's figure skating gold and become America's new sweetheart.
Michelle Kwan will come in a disappointing 8th place after several falls and will announce her retirement.
NBC will announce that a 3 am television infomercial featuring workout fiend Billy Blanks earned a higher rating than curling.
Katie Couric will upstage the entire Olympics and send shockwaves throughout the news world with her stunning announcement that she's leaving NBC to become the lead 6pm news anchor at CBS.
A bomb scare will cancel at least one event.
Attendance will be at an all time low because nobody knows where the hell Turin is.
All of the hockey teams will stage a lock out and just like with the NHL nobody will notice for six months.
Speaking of hockey Team Canada will win the gold medal for the second straight time after rallying around embattled GM Wayne Gretzky.
At least one local product from Italy will win gold and become the talk of the town. Chances are it will be a downhill skier.
Bode Miller will say something stupid, almost get kicked off the team, and then win a gold medal. Afterwards he will reveal that he did it while hungover. Miller and David Wells will then co-author a book titled, 'how to set records while hungover'.
To raise awareness about softball getting eliminated as an Olympic sport Jenny Finch will go down the luge naked.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment