Craig's Lists: If I Were President.....

On President's day this year I thought it would be a good idea to come up with a list of things that I would do if I were President. Considering that I'm part Jewish and part Atheist I have about as good a chance of ever getting elected as Jesse Jackson. So, while none of the things on this list will ever actually happen we all know they should.

Things that I would do if I were President:

Make licorice nibs the official candy of America.

Appoint Ruben Studdard the head of the Food and Drug Administration.

Work with Tony Blair to create a joint American/Brittish national holiday called Keira Knightley day.

Make polygamy legal then make Brittany Snow, Kristen Bell, Elisha Cuthbert, and Natalie Portman my first ladies.

Add my face to Mount Rushmore.

Appoint a dominatrix as the Congressional Whip.

Pass a law forcing everyone who uses aim to put up 'chillaxing' as their away message.

End the Electoral College. Straight up popular vote wins. And it would be done American Idol style with people allowed to vote as many times as they want via text messaging.

Eradicate all student loan debts.

Make Long Island and Puerto Rico states. Heck, Canada too.

Arrest J.J. Abrams and send him to Guantanamo Bay until he tells me what's going to happen this season on Lost.

Follow in the footsteps of George W. Bush and own a professional baseball team. Then make sure that it doesn't have any pitching for the next 15 years.

Turn the White House into the Playboy Mansion.

Have sex with an intern or shoot a buddy in the face on a hunting trip and then lie about it. Wait a minute. That's been done already.

Use my top secret security clearance to find out who killed Kennedy and what's really going on in Area 51 and then tell the world about it! They have a right to know!

Make outlandish claim that aliens helped build the Great Pyramids then blame gaffe on a 'teleprompter malfunction'.

Forget about free healthcare plan. Instead implement free TiVo plan.

Remove 'In God We Trust' from all dollar bills and in it's place insert the phrase, 'I'm Craig Shames Bitch'.