Five Minutes With God

Yesterday, my friend Meredith (think Lucy from 7th Heaven) asked me if I could fill out a survey for her about my beliefs or lack there of in God. She's in Colorado this summer at a training seminar for the Campus Crusade, an organization that helps college students understand their faith. Being the well known atheist that I am, she wanted to interview me to get a contrasting view to her beliefs.

The hour long survey/debate was a lot of fun as we bantered back and forth about whether or not there is a god and if so if he OR SHE (feminists, are you happy now?) would be a Yankees or Red Sox fan.

Here is an abridged transcript of our conversation:

Meredith: Do you believe in God?

Me: Yes, because I was driving upstate once and saw a truck for G.O.D. (Guaranteed Overnight Delivery). I believe that if they are going to guarantee it, then chances are pretty good that your package will get there.

Meredith: No, I meant GOD, not G.O.D. You know the all knowing, omniscient Creator of the Universe.

Me: Oh, that God. No I don't. Back in the day people used to believe that the Earth was flat and that the planets revolved around the Earth. They also thought that there was a God who created everything. Clearly mankind wasn't that smart back in the day. They wised up to the curvature of the Earth and the inner workings of the solar system. So, it's only a matter of time until they wise up and realize there's no such thing as God as well.

Meredith: Why do you think people continue to believe in God then?

Me: I think they like having something to believe in. They like having faith that things are going to get better. But I don't need to believe in God to know things are gonna work out. I believe in Derek Jeter. And there's no way the Yankees will keep sucking with Jeter on the team. I have faith in him to lead the Yankees to the promised land (that being the World Series and not Heaven).

Meredith: If you don't believe in God, what do you believe in?

Me: I believe that one day I'll find a girl drunk enough to give me her phone number. I believe that one day Brian Malfettone will think of a joke himself. I believe that one day Sean Gordon will come out of the closet. I believe that one day Leigh Taginski will wear a shirt that's not white. I believe in a lot of things as a matter of fact. After all, anything is possible. Heck, there might even come a time when Brian Berkowicz is only dating two girls at one time instead of his customary seven.

Meredith: What about miracles. Do you believe in them?

Me: Like the Red Sox winning the World Series?

Meredith: More like paralyzed people suddenly being able to walk again.

Me: Well it happened to John Locke on Lost so I'm sure it's possible. But I think that had more to do with the mysterious island than with God.

Meredith: What would you say to someone who is very religious?

Me: I would say that you're wasting your time. I would much rather be updating my top ten list of hot girls (Kate Hudson is the new #1), writing fan mail to Kelly Clarkson (she has yet to write back, although, I have received some correspondence from her lawyers), blogging, and checking my 23 fantasy baseball teams.

Meredith: What do you think the meaning of life is?

Me: To procreate and keep your species alive as long as possible to see just how advanced you can get. The Dinosaurs got taken out by an asteriod. Who knows how evolved they would have become if they were still around. The point of life therefore is to survive at all costs in an attempt to find out just how evolved your species can become. We only use 10% of our brains now. Imagine where we'll be in a few thousand years if we can make it that far. Maybe we will be up to 50% brain usage by then. Or maybe we'll have colonized other planets by then. In theory, the meaning of life is to stick around long enough to get to the point where you become smart enough to understand what the meaning of life is. If that makes sense.

Meredith: Not at all. But you mentioned something about procreating. If that's the meaning of life wouldn't that make your life pretty meaningless right now?

Me: Fair enough.

Meredith: Is there anything that will make you believe in God?

Me: He's supposedly this all powerful being who can part water, and make it rain locusts. If he could somehow turn my blow up doll into a real girl, I would be thoroughly impressed. And then, yeah, I would be a believer.

Meredith: If you could talk to God, what would you ask him?

Me: God, why did you make me so hairy?

Meredith: (Akward silence) Craig, I think I have to go now.

Me: God speed.

Well there you have it. Five minutes with God. Also known as the last time that Meredith will ever ask me for help with her homework.

Team Craig

After watching the NBA Draft last night I was inspired to hold a draft of my friends in hopes of building the perfect support staff for me. Here are the results.....

1. Brian 'Shaq Attack' Berkowicz - A no brainer with the #1 pick. This big man can score at will with the ladies. He surely will help out my game.

2. Whitney Bates - Taking Whitney, a former NYU cheerleader, makes perfect sense in this spot as everyone knows that I need a lot of encouragment when playing sports.

3. Brian Malfettone - By drafting Brian I'll have a steady supply of unoriginal jokes taken from movies and stand up comedians at my dispersal to impress the ladies with.

4. Mike Salvo - Picking Mike as my personal assistant will allow me to one day terminate him creating the inevitable blog headline of, 'Salvo Fired'.

5. Erin Burns - Every great man needs a great woman behind him. As such, I would have taken Leigh Taginski in this spot but Erin would have gotten mad at me so I'll take her instead to avoid conflict.

6. Russell Martello - Every entourage needs that one guy who just makes everyone laugh no matter what he says or does. Russell is that guy.

7. Sean Gordon - I need someone with a sense of style to replace my mom as the person who picks out my outfits in the morning, so Sean is the obvious pick here.

8. Melissa Colasacco - With as many ailments as I think I have, picking a future nurse was imperative.

9. Tommy Gould - This Army LT will be my personal bodyguard and head of security.

10. Kathleen Elizabeth Gallagher - Anybody whose initials spell out KEG is a must on any team.

11. Rob Roll's car - Rob's car has 7 flat screen tvs in it making it a must pickup. I would have drafted Rob as well to be my personal driver but I wanted to live to see my 24th birthday so I passed.

12. Heidi Squires - Being seen in public with a hot girl will make me more attractive to other hot girls. That's where Heidi comes in.

13. Leigh's Cat - Half cat, half racoon Beans is a great conversation piece at dinner parties.

14. Chris - Chris who is the personal driver for a prominent New Jersey politician will drive Rob's car for me and manage my stand up comedy career.

15. William Bezouska - I would have taken Billy higher but I wanted him to sweat it out in the green room as revenge for all the times he threatened to bench me in softball.

So there you have it. Team Craig is now fully assembled and ready to hit the streets in hopes of finding me the first girl that'll talk to me, so that I can marry her.

Shames to Start Seeing Sports Therapist

Here's another parody article I wrote for www.gamersallaccess.blogspot.com.

Oceanside, NY - After suffering a nervous breakdown while on the mound this past week, Gamers starting pitcher Craig Shames has been recommended by the team's upper management to start undergoing psychiatric treatment. It is believed that Shames will start seeing the same sports therapist that Alex Rodriguez is presently seeing.

Gamers manager William Bezouska said, "it was clear to us after Craig yelled at the other team for not swinging at his crappy pitches and then challenged the umpire to a fight for not calling his crappy pitches strikes, that he needed help. I'm just upset at myself for not picking up on this sooner."

1b Zac Nicholson said, "maybe the 100 degree heat affected Craig. Or maybe it was the annoying beat of the rave music. Either way it's totally understandable that he would suffer a breakdown. I was on the verge of losing it myself."

According to team sources, Shames was driven over the edge not by the heat or rave music, but by the antics of team joker and former fraternity president, Dave Kheel, who after each of the last two games has tried to pantst Craig. It's gotten to the point where Craig has become paranoid when in public places, fearful that Kheel is going to jump out and pantst him again or give him an atomic weegie.

"The other day I was walking home and got startled," Shames said. "I thought Kheel was coming up from behind me. But it was only my shadow."

That's exactly the kind of behavior that has long worried team officials.

Bezouska said, "we can't have a pitcher whose afraid of his own shadow or of going outside in the rain. We need someone who is going to have the intestinal fortitude to throw strikes in big spots. That's why we're gonna sign that 14 year old girl again."

When told of Bezouska's comments, Shames said, "that's just Billy running his mouth, trying to scare me into thinking that my job is in jeopardy. He believes that if he puts pressure on me to keep my job it's gonna make me into a diamond. But how can that be? Diamonds are a girl's best friend and since no girl wants anything do with me, I'm clearly not a diamond. I don't know what he's talking about. I'm just going to stick to group therapy and not worry about any of his stupid analogies."

When hearing about that, Of Brian Malfettone said, "if group therapy doesn't work out, maybe we'll just bring a 12 pack and get Craig drunk before the next game. Hopefully, he'll get so drunk that he passes out and then we won't have to worry about this anymore. Worst case scenario is that it loosens him up and he pitches better. So it's really a win-win situation for us."

2b Rob Rathbun weighed in on the subject of Craig's mental health, "I think it's a shame, no pun intended, that Craig hasn't been able to pitch better. But I don't think it's because of paranoia or anything like that. I just think it's because he's crazy. After all, he once broke a kid's nose just for bumping into him in the hallway."

In response, Shames said, "I'm not crazy. I may be a momma's boy with homosexual tendencies who pees sitting down and has a subscription to Cosmo Girl, but if there's one thing I'm not, it's crazy."

Is Scientology For Me?

Since I struck out with the ladies at Northeastern, on jdate and subsequently since moving back home, I figured I might as well try converting to scientology in hopes of attracting someone. After all, it worked for Tom Cruise.

So, I started to do a little research about my new found faith and found out the following. It is an applied religious philosophy, created by the philosopher L. Ron Hubbard, that enables individuals to make choices for themselves based on their own experiences. As their website, www.scientology.org says, they, "aim to create a civilization without insanity, without criminals and without war, where the able can prosper and honest beings can have rights, and where man is free to rise to greater heights."

I have no idea what that means but it sounds pretty good. And it sure beats eating gafelta fish, waking up early on Sunday to go to Church, or starving myself for a month during Ramadan. So for the time being it's my religion of choice, although deep down inside I'm still always going to be an atheist. After all, if there really was a God don't you think he would have found a way to keep Joan of Arcadia on the air?

Scientology worked for Tom and Katie....will it work for me?

Week in Review

Random thoughts from the past week:

You know your hairy when you go to drop off your dog to get groomed and the woman behind the counter asks if you are also getting any work done.

On Tuesday night, I went to the eye doctor and he was examining my eyes while listening to the Mets game. At one point he said, "oh shit, this doesn't look good." My heart dropped because I thought he was talking about my eyes but it turned out he was only talking about the Mets. I should have known better. It is the Mets after all.

Unfortunately, I didn't get the NYC teaching fellowship that I had applied for. I'm okay with it though, because honestly, could you have seen me teaching inner city youth? They eat skinny white guys like me alive for breakfast.

My rejection also means that I can now spare everyone the inevitable blog article that would have some how tied the teaching fellowship in with the fellowship from the lord of the rings. And as corny as this blog already is, that probably would have made it unreadable.

I've now gotten rejected so many times (by girls, from jobs, from fellowships, etc.) that I was thinking of writing a book entitled, "How to Get Rejected and Still Have Disproportionatly High Self Esteem."

Billy hit it right on the head when he said my days consist of sleeping late and then waking up and immediately going back to bed for my afternoon nap.

It's a good thing I bailed on Sean and didn't go to any of the Yankees game versus Tampa Bay. Man, do the Yankees suck.

Do you remember back when I won a game for Billy's softball team, the Swingers, by pinch hitting after someone left early? Well one of the guys from the Swingers filled in for us this week and after watching me go 0 for 5 in the second game with 2 outs in the same inning, he said to Billy, "wow, I didn't realize how much of a rare occurrence a base hit is for him. It's now more impressive what he did, coming through in the clutch like that for us, because it was such a long shot that he would get a hit in that spot." I'll take that as a compliment.

In the latest episode of Entourage, Ralph Macchio, the Karate Kid, made a cameo appearance. Conspiciously, Brian Malfettone was no where to be found six months ago when the episode was being filmed.

Do you think if I auditioned for the Real World and told them that I only wanted to be on the show so that I could then be on the Real World/Road Rules challenge that they would pick me?

Gamers Ride Rave of Offense to Sweep

Wantagh, NY - After playing only one game in the last three weeks due to poor scheduling by ABA, the upstart Gamers were anxious to get back on the field. So much so, that they agreed to play on Saturday at Webster Hall just to get the games in. But not even the ongoing distraction of an all night rave could derail the run away train that is the Gamers as they went on to sweep the pesky Tattoo Crew, 13-12 and 21-7 to improve to 9-1 on the season.

In game one, the Gamers avenged their earlier loss this season to the chain smoking guys from the Tattoo Crew by grinding out yet another come from behind victory that has come to define their season.

The winning hit came off the bat of Dave "I know I"m slow but I'm gonna take extra bases anyway" Kheel who hit a two run homerun to right field that scored Rob "yes, I finally made my debut at ss" Rathbun. The two combined to go 7 for 8 with four runs scored to lead the comeback victory that also featured Billy Bezouska's first home run of the season and 2 hits a piece for Dave Roll, Scott Goldsmith, Johnny Vasquez, and Craig Shames.

Goldsmith's strong hitting performance and stellar play in the outfield was especially noteworthy considering that he just flew in from Nova Scotia two hours before the game and then made repeated trips to the rave in between innings to take Ectasy.

The great comeback would not have been possible though if not for the horrendous pitching of Craig "walk-a-thon" Shames who is thinking about getting sponsored and donating $100 for every walk to the Dana Farber Cancer Institute. Craig's contribution today alone would have been close to $2,000 and at that rate maybe a cure for cancer could be found by the end of the season.

Shames who has been known to make an excuse or two for his performance said, "I was really distracted by the rave music. I couldn't even hear the umpire call out balls and strikes although I could have assumed that 99.9% of the time they were going to be balls. But still. So, I went over to them and requested that they play Kelly Clarkson's 'since you've been gone'. I felt a feel good song like that would have put me in the zone. But they just laughed at me."

In game two, the Gamers' bats came alive, partly because the team is stacked with good hitters but primarily because it was so damn hot that everyone just wanted to go home. They figured that 21 runs would be enough, even for Craig.

The main culprits in the offensive explosion were once again Rob Rathbun (4 for 5 with 2 hrs and 6 rbis) and Dave Kheel (4 for 5 with a hr and 7 rbis). New comer Anthony Vega provided pop by going 4 for 5 with his second homerun on the day and Dave Roll continued his torrid hitting going 5 for 5 with a homerun. All in all, the Gamers exploded for five homeruns in the second game although Rob Roll (4 for 5) was robbed, no pun intended, of one in the first inning.

Also joining the hit parade were Billy Bezouska (3 for 4 with a walk), Zac Nicholson (3 for 5 with 2 rbis) and Johnny Vasquez and Scott Goldsmith who both added two more hits.

In fact, everyone on the team had at least two hits, except for Shames who went 0 for 5 and even made two outs in the same inning."It's been a long day," Shames said. "I can't wait to go home so that I can 'beat and sleep' and put this all behind me."

Breaking News: Gamers to be Shorthanded Again on Saturday

Here's a parody article that I wrote for Gamers All Access. You can check out similar articles at www.gamersallaccess.blogspot.com

Baldwin, NY - The second place Gamers who have yet to play a game at full strength won't have that luxury again this Saturday or in the forseeable future after learning that swift fielding outfielder, Scott 'infield fly rule' Zimmerman, may be out for the year with an undisclosed shoulder injury.

Zimmerman released the following statement through his agent, "I'm not quite sure how the injury occurred. There was not one specific moment that I can remember hearing something pop. I think it may have happened when I was playing in my uncle's old man softball league or perhaps when I was lifting weights. I just want to let all my fans know that the hockey player in me wants to play on Saturday but the doctors say that I can't."

Despite Zimmerman saying otherwise in his statement to the media, All Access was able to ascertain the exact cause of his injury. According to an unidentified source the injury occurred when Scott fell backwards out of his chair while violently whacking off at his computer to a porno of a midget blowing a horse.

Fellow outfielder Brian "sorry guys, but I can't play because I have a paper cut" Malfettone, was hit hardest by the news of Zimmerman's injury. "Billy is responsible for getting Zac, Dave, Peter, and Johnny on the team. And Rob's responsible for getting us Rob Rathbun, Scotty G., and his brothers. But getting Scott on the team was all because of me. I scouted him playing stickball and signed him to his first deal. I wanted to get the credit when he made it to the next level. Kind of the way Omar Minaya is credited with signing Sammy Sosa. But now that's out the window."

1b Zac "Matinee Idol" Nicholson was also upset about losing Zimmerman. "This sucks. Without Scott, I'm now the only NYU graduate on the team. Looks like I'm gonna have to field all the questions about the Olsen Twins whereabouts by myself. How am I supposed to concentrate on my performance at the plate or in the World Beard and Mustache Championships if I always have to stop and answer all those damn questions?"

To replace Zimmerman defensively on Saturday, Gamers manager William Bezouska said that he might let catcher/dh Dave "I think I'm a funny blog writer but I'm really not" Kheel play the field, but the more likely scenario is that they'll either pick up someone walking down Merrick Road on the way to the game or just play the field with 9 players.

In addition to losing Zimmerman the Gamers might also lose star shortstop Rob Roll who plans on moving to Boston for a job although the real reason is because he wants to get away from Bezouska and Swingers manager Mark Wan, both of whom continue to hound him to pay his entry and uniform fees.

In an exclusive interview with All Access, Roll revealed that he still plans on coming back to New York though on the weekends even if he moves, partly to continue blocking Rob Rathbun from playing shortstop, but primarily because he hasn't yet hooked up with everyone who works at Fridays.

After hearing that Roll may be moving to Boston, only to find out that he may be staying, Rathbun said, "First Roll was going to California but then never did. Now he may or may not be going to Boston. Just make up your fucking mind already because I can't take this anymore. It's driving me crazy. Now I know how Kheel feels every day."

Gamers Starting Pitcher, Craig "woman hater" Shames, cautioned everyone not to read too much into news of Roll's pending departure. "Rob has a history of being a pathological liar. We all know about the California incident but there was also the time he was supposed to go to Florida with this ex girl friend but never did and the time he swore he was gonna move out and get an apartment in Long Beach but never did. I think he also once claimed that he invented the question mark, so I wouldn't worry too much about him leaving. He probably never even had a job interview."

*** Special Guest Blogger ***

Since everyone's favorite national past time is ripping me and because I'm already tapped out of ideas for this blog, I have decided to create a new feature here on 'I'm a Headcase', where I will import a special guest blogger from time to time, who will mercilessly rip me apart, however they see fit.

Today's special guest blogger is none other than Florida's own, Brian "Shaq Attack" Berkowicz. Brian who writes a comedy newsletter for his softball team similar to 'gamers all access' has instead turned his comedic genius to the topic of my body hair, always a popular subject. Here is his latest masterpiece entitled, "Local Barber Quits the Business".

I'm sad to report that one of the top barbers, Baldwin's very own Boris, has quit the barber shop industry for good. It is reported that he quit due to his failure to execute one of the most impossible hot towel shaves mankind has ever seen. The customer was none other than Oceanside's own, Craig Shames.

Boris was quoted as saying, "This is bullshit. How can you shave someone's chin when their chest hair gets in the way? I'm from Russia so I know hairy people, but this was like trying to cut down a bush with a butter knife. Plus, once I was actually able to reach his face his chest hair would immediately grow back and block me again."

Baldwin resident, Brian Malfettone was traumatized by the incident. "Now who's going to cut my hair and give me compliments? Boris is the only man that ever called me handsome. I also heard Boris now refuses to shave or cut his own hair. So not only does Craig have the ability to make himself hairy, he's a carrier too."

The real question still remains, where will Craig go now to get his hair cut? Craig has been refused by many barbers and is now blacklisted from the industry. He now has a better shot at getting laid by a girl then getting a haircut from a barber.

A week after the incident Craig was walking down the street when all of a sudden he was captured by a dog rescuer. The dog rescuer said, "I couldn't believe that it was a person, I thought it was an all black poodle walking on it's hind legs."

Craig was both offended and enlightened by the experience. As a result, he now goes to the people at Petsmart to get groomed. When reached for a comment he said, "It takes a long time to get groomed but at least I have my dog, Rocky, to keep me company."

If you liked reading about how hairy I am, check out this previous entry from malf's mouth, http://malfsmouth.blogspot.com/2005/05/craig-shames-legend-of-yetti.html

Anti - Trust

And no I'm not talking about that crappy ass movie about Microsoft starring that guy from Cruel Intentions who married that girl from Legally Blonde. I'm talking about that incredibly long akward pause on the phone yesterday, surprisingly, since I wasn't even talking to a girl. I was talking to the represetative from the company that I'm consolidating my loans with. He asked me to list two friends as references and I was so taken aback that I told him to call me back. I was speechless. I had no idea who I could trust to put down as a reference.

I thought about saying Brian Malfettone but then I realized that he would just tell them about the time he took me upstate with him and I brought a bag of baby carrots with me or about the time he took me to Mystic, Connecuticut and I made his family eat at a steak restaurant where I ordered a big juicy hamburger then only ate half of it. Not wanting them to think I was some kind of freak, I quickly scratched Brian off the list.

Then I thought about Brian Berkowicz but I was afriad that he would tell them about all the times I fought his sisters in inter-gender hardcore matches. And believe me, the last thing I need is the Chicago Tribune finding out about how I used to beat up girls.

Continuing to think about my Baldwin friends, I considered Russell Martello before realizing that he would probably tell them about the time he and Brian B. hid in my car and scared me as I was about to drive Katie home. I was so rattled that I screamed like a girl, threw my keys up in the air, and ran away yelling to Katie, 'you're on your own bitch.'

So instead I thought of some of my friends from Northeastern. The first person to come to mind was of course, Leigh. But I quickly thought better of that considering of all the examples she could give them about times that I told her off for not calling me back. I then thought about Sean and Chris put they could both tell the loan co. about the time I threw a chair at Erik and destroyed my apartment. Tommy, Salvo, and Sechrist are all out too because of the time I allegedly took credit for starting nushuffle.com in the Northeastern News.

Finally, I considered my new best friend, Whitney, but she would probably tell them about all the times I bailed on her and the last thing I need is for a loan company thinking I'm unreliable and flaky.

So, after going through an old phone book and considering people that I used to car pool to Hebrew School with but haven't spoken to in ten years, I settled on Brian Berkowicz, but only because his name came up first in my cell phone. Let's just hope they don't call him.

What Kind of Friend am I?

Last night I went to Rob's baseball game to watch him pitch. Between innings he told me that he might get a job offer and have to move to Boston. Instead of congratulating him, my first reaction was, "damn, now whose going to play shortstop for the Gamers?"

On top of that I left in the third inning, partly because it was cold out, partly because it was bugy out, and primarily because I wanted to watch the season finale of the Inferno. Which got me thinking that I'm a pretty bad friend.

After all, in the last week I bailed on Whitney, told Sean that I didn't want to go to the Yankees game with him, and yelled at Billy on at least five separate occasions. None of which even sound that bad when compared with the time I told Erica that she was like my thirteenth best friend after she told me I was one of her best friends or the time I told Evan that I didn't want to talk to him ever again after he asked me if he could copy my homework in 11th grade English.

It's obvious that I'm a bad friend. So much so, that in college my inability to maintain friendships was noticed by my close friend, Chris, who once asked, "Craig, it's been almost a year. When are you gonna stop talking to me?"

But alas I think the days of 'ending' people are over. Primarily because I'm trying to befriend as many people as possible so that I can get up to 200 friends on Facebook. Right now I"m up to 132. So Erica and Evan if you're reading this....I'm sorry.

Can I Keep Up the Pace?

Over the weekend, I pitched an idea to the guys at S39 for an entire section called "Craig's Corner" that will include at least 5 separate blogs covering everything that's happening in the world of sports.

Those five blogs plus my softball team one and this one would give me a world record setting seven blogs and cement my place as the biggest loser on the face of the Earth. Although I think maintaining 23 fantasy baseball teams and watching every episode of Laguna Beach may have already done that.

But in all seriousness, I am worried that my new schedule may have me spread out thinner than Lindsay Lohan come this fall. Wouldn't it suck if once I start taking classes at Nassau Community College I might no longer have the time to entertain you all? Oh, who am I kidding, it's fucking Nassau CC. I could have gotten a 4.0 there when I was in kindergarten.

False alarm, the quirky observations and unparalleled wit will still be here for all to enjoy. Now if you'll excuse me I gotta run and update my other blogs.

Week in Review

It was actually an action packed week, which is weird, since I'm single, unemployed, didn't play softball, and only have three friends. But here are some highlights:

I was chosen out of 50+ applicants to join the staff of S39 Online, a poor man's Maxim. In related news, my split personality, Greg, was chosen to join the staff of S40 Online, a poor man's FHM.

The highlight of the week, by far, was making it into the Chicago Tribune and becoming the center of a feminist dispute. In response, I just want to say that I have nothing against women. I think they're great to have around in case you spill something.

Seriously though, I feel bad that I upset so many people. However, if they only knew me, they would have known that I'm not prejuidiced; I hate everyone equally.

On Saturday I was at the Yankees game and the 'Shames-o-matic Prediction Meter' was working over time in calling Derek Jeter's first career grand slam. However it was bound to happen sooner or later since I call it every time he comes up with the bases loaded.

Also during the game there was a moment of recognition for all military personnel since it was military appreciation day. I started to stand up during the moment of silence until I realized that they meant REAL military personnel and not, 'little bitches who spend four years complaining about having to get up early and then quit due to a shortage of baby carrots in the food rations.'

Proof that I subconsciously want to relive my childhood: my decision to work in a high school.

Further proof that I subconsciously want to relive my childhood: my decision to buy a bike.

Unfortunately, a friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend over the weekend. After doing so, he immediately called me up and wanted to hit the town. I was like, 'are you sure? I usually sulk about an ex girlfriend for 2 or 3 years before I start looking again.'

And finally a very special Father's Day shout out goes to Brian B., who I'm just sure has several illegitimate children somewhere in the state of Florida.

Blowing Up Nation Wide, Part III

So last night after celebrating Kristen's 21st birthday at Waterzooi, I went with Brian and his girlfriend Joanne to 24 Hour Bagel in Oceanside. We sat for a while and talked about a bunch of things until the always popular topic of, 'what comes up when you google your name', came up. Brian said when he googled his name, entries from my blog came up and when he googled Joanne's name nothing came up except for the error box saying, 'didn't you mean, pain in the ass.'

So as soon as I came home, I of course went straight to google and typed in my name to see what would come up. And sure enough some of my blog entries came up. But, that wasn't the only thing.

There was also a link to a Chicago Tribune story in which their WomanNews section spotlights blogs that are either by, for, or about women. And somehow my 'Shame(s) on you' rip of NASCAR drivers not supporting Danica Patrick made it into their spotlight.(http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/women/chi-0506080330jun08,1,6155671.story?coll=chi-leisurewomannews-hed).

It figures that all of the places one of my blog entries would wind up would be in the feminist section of a newspaper. If you're reading this blog and don't know anything about me, that pretty much sums up my life.

But anyway, getting printed in the Chicago Tribune is still pretty cool I must admit. However, what's more is that I was chosen (without even submitting anything I may add) over a feminist from Chicago (who submitted a bunch of stuff) and who therefore was pretty upset about it and ripped my entry on her blog, Goddess Musings. (http://www.veronicas.org/blog/2005/06/blog-spotting.html)

Here's a sample:

"Craig was ranting about the idiot NASCAR men who whined about Danica being in the Indy 500 and her weight advantage. What does that have to do with equal rights? And someone please tell him that women do NOT have equal rights. The last time I looked, the ERA was still not in the Constitution, the Pay Equity Act is never enforced, and still have to choose how to balance work & family.

UGH!

I know WomanNews wants to be cool and hip by snipping interesting pieces from blogs, but come on, at least quote from a blog that 1) makes sense and 2) reinforces what WomanNews tries to do and that is advance the rights of women (most of the time, I'll over look all the plastic surgery ads in the print edition)."

At least quote from a blog that makes sense. OUCH! But wait it gets even better. Because then the online blog (Ms. Musings) that's connected to the feminist magazine, Ms., posted about my entry and the furor created by WomenNews' inclusion of it in their Blog Spotting Section and ripped on it too. (http://www.msmusings.net/archives/2005/06/isnt_it_ironic.html) Here's a sample:

"As Roni points out, today's sampling is pretty weak. The four-paragaph defense of Danica Patrick seems well-intentioned, but it's hardly original and even offensive (although the writer might be going for irony; who knows?).

But here's the rub: The entry is by Craig Shames, a newbie blogger whose blog is a quirky mix of observations about news and friends and dental woes. A blog by, for or about women? Guess WomanNews missed this entry of his from June 6 in which he (ironically again, I'm sure), confesses his envy of Red Sox pitcher Bronson Arroyo for hooking up with Northeastern University "sluts," something Craig apparently tried but failed to do in his four years there."

Haha...this is great. A bunch of feminists from Chicago getting their panties all tied in a bunch over my blog. Forget about losing my virginity. Now I can die happy.

Geriatric All Star

Yesterday I went to the Museum of Natural History with Witty Whit and about half way through the day was half expecting to find myself in one of the display cases. That's because I felt like such an old man throughout the day, needing to stop at every bench I passed due to the inability to stand up for more than ten minutes in a row.

Seriously, on most days I feel like a 75 year old trapped in a 23 year olds body and I'm not just saying that because of my non-existent sex drive. I think there's something medically wrong with me but no one will believe me because of all the times I've claimed that I've had ebola when all I had was the sniffles. So since going to the doctor is out of the question and I'm too old to take Flintstones vitamins, I thought I would instead make a list of ways that I resemble an old man. We'll call it blog therapy.

Why I am an old man.....

I can't start my day until I've read the paper.

I think every kid I see between the ages of 8 and 18 is a punk.

I go to bed at 10 pm, even on Friday and Saturday nights.

I like to keep score while I watch a baseball game, even when I'm not at the game.

I wear outfits that only Payne Stewart and your grandfather would think were fashionable.

I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom every fifteen minutes.

Half of my wardrobe was bought in Sears.

I can't buy something unless it's on sale or I have a coupon.

I watch tv with my hand tucked into my pants.

I play mini-golf to work on my short game.

I never go more than 5 mph above the speed limit.

I get winded running down to first base when playing softball.

Grumpier Old Men is one of my favorite movies.

I think 'going out clubbing' means playing golf.

The Phantom of the Opera

Last night, I was supposed to go to the Opera in Central Park with my permanent new best friend, Ms. Whitney Bates. Whitney who once claimed that New York's Whitney Museum was named after her, can be quite the bundle of joy. I'm sure I would have had a great time in the presence of Witty Whit.

However, as I often do to her, I bailed out, making me (and I apologize ahead of time for this) the real Phantom of the Opera. I felt really bad about missing out, especially since by doing so I set a new world record for most times breaking plans with one person, i.e. the Cheesecake Factory, 3 seperate Adelphi plays, my Memorial Day BBQ, her birthday, her fuck work party, and now the Opera.

I know that by bailing out, I come off looking like a jerk but I'm okay with that. I had to look out for old number one. You see, if I had gone I almost surely would have gottten the shit kicked out of me on the subway for carrying around a picnic basket and blanket like Yogi the Bear.

But seriously my reasoning for bailing was simple. The Opera is the kind of 'whipped activity' that you do, if and only if, you know your going to get sex out of it. It's a girlfriend/fiance/wife kind of thing, right up there with the philharmonic, plays, musicals, museums, dress shopping, and watching reruns of Sex and the City. It's not and I repeat not, a friend activity, nor a voluntary expression of my desire to become more cultural. I can read the New York Times for that.

So Whitney, I'm sorry for bailing on you but I just couldn't bring myself to commit to any activity that would give off the perception that I was whipped by a girl . I vowed after my ex gf Katie dragged me to a Christina Augieliera concert, that I would never get whipped again. And by holding myself to ridiciliously high standards in the four years since then, I've made that vow hold up. And I'm not about to stop now.....

Whitney Bates just prior to making outlandish claim that New York's Whitney Museum was named after her.....

Blowing Up Nation Wide, Part II

First, some guy in British Columbia, Canada named a mountain after me. (www.shamesmountain.com) Then, Dave Chappelle came up with, "I'm Craig Shames, bitch". And now I have blown up even more with my addition to the staff of 'S39 Online', an up and coming online sports and entertainment magazine in the mold of Maxim. Check it out at www.s39online.com.

I don't know if it will lead to anything or not but it sounds like it could be fun and the guys who run it are Yankees fans (they sit in section 39 at the stadium, hence the name for the site) so it can't be all that bad.

I debut on July 1st with a weekly column, "Shames on You", where I will continue to rip on happenings in the sports world, like I have already done with my editorials on Danica Patrick and Bronson Arroyo.

So check out my column at www.shamesonyou.blogspot.com and look for it after July 1st on www.s39online.com.

My Future Wife?

So my friend Brian who discovered www.prisonbitchname.com, came across another site www.jobpredictor.com that tells you which job you are most qualified for. It also predicts how long you're gonna live for and what your porn star name would be if you entered the business.

Above all else though, it has a section that predicts compatability. So, knowing me and how I think I'm destined to marry a celebrity, it is only fitting that I enter all of my should be 'girlfriends' into the site and see what it comes out with. Here are the results:

Me and Natalie Portman: 0% - wah wah, looks like Natalie is too materialistic for me

Me and Brittany Snow: 0 % - wah wah, Brittany only wants to hook up

Me and Keira Knightley: 0 % - wah wah, Keira doesn't want to settle down

Me and..... oh forget this, I'm too depressed now to keep going. :(

I'm the Kind of Guy Who.....

So the other day, after four years of frustration, I finally got to third base!!!! And no, I don't mean I hit a triple in softball. I mean with a girl. Well, at least by my standards that is. You see I live in a world where things act according to Einstein's Theory of Virginity. Not as popular as his Theory on Relativity but nonetheless a very good one. It states that for pathetic losers such as myself, the normal base scale (first base = kissing, etc.) does not apply. For us the following scale applies:

1st base = Briefly touching the hand of a female cashier as she gives you your change back
2nd base = Accidentally bumping into someone while on a crowded subway
3rd base = Prolonged rubbing of a body part, i.e. a female orthopedist
HR = Full body massage (with or without a happy ending)

So when I say I got to third base, I mean I was at the mall and a female Botanical Garden employee applied lotion and cream to my hands in an attempt to get me to buy some pore opening moisturizer for father's day. She thought she was making a living. But in reality she was really making my you know what come alive. (Hey don't look at me like that, it's Einstein's theory, not mine.)

Aside from being the kind of guy who thinks a high five from a girl is permisicous behavior, I came up with a list of other examples that clearly justify the name of this blog.

I'm the kind of guy who.....

Buys a $100 bike rather than get one for free from a friend, because the free one would have required refilling the back tire with air.

Thinks he won $500 in a Daily News Scratch and Match Game, only to find out after buying a $250 phone, that the winning numbers were printed in error, and that he didn't actually win anything.

Gets his news from the pop up box when signing onto aim.

Only has female friends that he wants to hook up with but then gets stuck in the friend zone with each of them and doesn't hook up with any of them.

Wears socks with sandals.

Gets his mom presents on his birthday.

Quits the Army because he doesn't like the food, wasn't getting enough sleep, and was afraid of sleeping in the woods with bugs.

Picks favorite sports teams based on the current standings.

Thinks putting coins in a coke bottle constitutes a savings account.

Judges popularity according to the number of facebook friends one has.

Thinks looking at jdate profiles counts as going on dates.

Thinks waking up at 11 am is getting an early start to the day.

Would rather die at 50 eating junk food than live to 80 eating tofu.

Will leave the bar early because he's tired but then wind up staying up until 4 am anyway watching tv.

Will spend all his free time making ridicilious "I'm the Kind of Guy Who" lists for his blog that no one is going to read anyway.

Week in Review

Random thoughts from the past week:

You gotta love unemployment insurance. I'm getting paid to do nothing. It's kind of like being back at Adelphi except I get to sleep to 2 pm every day.

My life's not all that glamourous though. Sometimes, my mom makes me water the plants.

With all the free time I have, I've been giving my rooting interests in baseball a lot of thought and I think that I am now officially a Baltimore Orioles fan. Although, I reserve the right to jump back on the Yankees bandwagon if they make the playoffs.

After watching the MTV Movie Awards, was it or me, or did it seem like the only movies made last year were Napoleon Dynamite, Mean Girls, and the Notebook?

Speaking of the Movie Awards, what was up with Jessica Simpson? Her face looked like my ass when I was going through puberty: hairy and pimply. No wonder there's rumors that Nick wants to dump her.

And I couldn't help but wonder what Nicole Kidman must have been thinking when Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes came out together. I almost felt bad for her until I realized that I don't care about anybody but myself.

Let's see, what else happened this week. Oh yeah, I officially signed up for summer classes at Nassau Community College to start me on my way to my Master's degree. Classes start on July 5th, which gives me about three weeks to put a stereo system in my car, contract a STD, and get a 'Growing Up Gotti' esque haircut or otherwise I might not fit in.

I'm kind of excited though about going back to school. It's been over a year since I last was in class, which means that's been over a year since I last cut class to stay home and watch porn.

And finally, on Friday night, I went to JFK airport with my mom to pick up Mark who was returning from a business trip in New Orleans. Hearing about Bourbon Street and the girls that sell you shots held in their cleavage brought back a lot of fond memories of Spring Break 2k4. I'll never forget those nights even though I was too drunk to remember any of them.

Attack of the Clones; Rolls Lead Gamers to Sweep

Wantagh, NY - The much anticipated season debut of the third Roll brother, Greg "Reginald Peeps" Roll, sparked the undermanned Gamers to an incredulous sweep of the FGHT Eagles, 10-8 and 7-5, resulting in chants of "Rathbun who?" following the second game.

Greg, who was conceived via invitro fertizilation using Rob's sperm and Dave's eggs, finally joined the Gamers after weeks of begging and wasted little time in proving why he thinks he's the best Roll brother, running down a long fly ball with ease in what some are saying was the best catch since Willie May's over the shoulder grab in the 1954 World Series.

After watching Greg make 'the catch', 1b Dave "Snail" Kheel said, "Damn son, if I had your speed I would get to so many more balls." To which Lcf, Brian Malfettone replied, "yeah Dave but you would have twice as many errors because you would get there and then drop them."

It was a good thing the Gamers had Greg (5 for 8 with 3 runs and 3 rbi's) in the lineup because they started the first game with only eight players as Kheel overslept and 2b Zac Nicholson lost track of time while in his dark room developing nude pics of Rob Rathbun from the set of, "Hot Stick: Hot Bunz." Without Kheel and Nicholson at the start of the game, Dave "Deli Boy" Roll (5 for 7 with 4 rbi's) played the entire right side of the infield. His fielding prowess helped limit the Eagles to six runs in that first inning.

"In hindsight, I probably should have gone with two outfielders and had someone play first base," Gamers pitcher and intermin manager Craig Shames said. "But I really wanted Dave to play there by himself so that today's blog headline, 'Attack of the Clones' would make more sense."

In the second game, the original Roll, Rob Roll, went 3 for 4 with yet another homerun, to spark the Gamers offense and complete the Roll family trifecta of domination on the day. Other players, not named Roll, who had big days were Brian Malfettone who hit two monster bombs, resulting in a double and a triple, Peter Hon "Solo" who chipped in four hits, Scott "Zoolander" Zimmerman and Johnny "No Glove" Vasquez who both went 3 for 4 in game one, and Zac "Matinee Idol" Nicholson who played 2b like Derek Jeter plays shortstop with several over the shoulder catches.

Following the sweep, Shames was seen on the Gamers bench running his mouth about how great he pitched, (3 k's and 3 bases loaded jams escaped) when Brian Malftettone distracted him, allowing Dave Kheel to sneak in and pants him in a premediated attack.

After watching this scene unfold, 2b and amateur porn director Zac Nicholson said, "Damn Craig, now I know what Billy's sister has been raving about. You can be in one of my movies anytime."

And the golden popcorn goes to....

After watching the MTV Movie Awards last night, I decided to hold an awards show of my own. Unfortunately, MTV would rather air reruns of "Meet the Barkers" and "I Want a Famous Face" than air the first annual 'Craig Awards'. So we won't be able to watch the show but here is a recap of what happened.....

Awards you would expect to see on MTV:

Best kiss - Erin Burns for her surprise kiss that sent me flying across the room, resulting in a broken lamp and $135 in other various room damages.

Best comedic performance: Brian Malfettone for calling me "Jewbacca" in a blog article that detailed how I am a descendant of a yetti.

Best team: The Gamers for leading the ABA in fewest runs allowed and allowing me to pitch even though the likelihood of me throwing a strike is about as great as the likelihood of me losing my virginity to someone other than a hooker.

Break through performer (male) - Billy Bezouska for playing wiffleball, buying me a bike, and allowing me to give him this award even though he thinks that it is insanely gay.

Break through performer (female) - Whitney Bates for being the only person at work to actually think my ruminations list was funny.

Best male performance - Sean Gordon in Napolean Dynomite. Oh wait, that wasn't Sean. That was John Heder.

Best female performance - Leigh in bed, although I'll never know.

Lifetime achievement award - Craig's left hand for always being there for him when he needed it.

Best movie - Meet the Fockers, starring Brian Berkowicz and whoever he brings home from the bar.

Now for the real awards, not those nicely packaged MTV ones:

Best crotch grab while falling down - Erin Burns

Most obsessed with Disney (tie) - Leigh Taginski and Justin Bender

Dirtiest thing said - Heidi Squires for saying that she wanted to put on a strap on and give it to Britney Spears.

Best timing - Russell Martello for wearing a Baldwin Unity Day t-shirt the day after an article on gamersallaccess.blogspot.com made fun of him for always wearing a Baldwin Unity Day shirt.

The funniest moment of the year - Brian Malfettone for yelling out during a recent softball game when work out fiend, Scott Goldsmith, was late running out to the field, "hold up he's just finishing up a set. He'll be right out."

Highest threshold for pain (tie) - Tommy Gould, Mike Salvo, and Mike Sechrist for putting up with Bender all those years.

Person most likely to kill me for jokes made during this awards show (tie) : Heidi Squires and Justin Bender.

The List That Got Me Fired.....

Let's not kid ourselves. I wasn't fired because they hired another jewish person and I was no longer needed to fulfill the quota. Nor was I fired because I spent half my day in the bathroom and the other half checking my 27 fantasy baseball teams. The single most prominent factor in my firing was my christmas present to everyone in the office. That of course being, the now infamous, "Ruminations on College Recruiting Life."

So by popular demand here are some of my favorite excerpts from the list that got me fired:

One time on a recruiting trip, I stayed over in a Super 8 motel. They were filming a porno in the room to my left, running a prostitution ring out of the room on my right, and smuggling opium out of the room above me. I was wondering what I was doing there, until I realized that as a traveling salesman of sorts, I actually fit right in.

I've gotten so used to using MapQuest that the other day when someone asked me how to get to the University Center, I told them to make a left and proceed for .1 miles until they reach the destination.

Judge considers forcing inmates to serve their sentences in University Admissions before deciding that six months of coding transfer files would be 'cruel and unusual punishment'.

New organization, Young Admissions Counselors (YAC) to form. Annual conference to be held around toilet bowl.

Independent commission reveals that happy, joyous students photographed for road piece boxes actually go to NYU.

Student laments that attending Adelphi is a lot like unprotected sex. You're glad you got in but sorry you came.

In five years, University to rename New Hall, "Still Kind of New Hall".

Everyone says that the most important skill one can have is the ability to multi-task. If by multi-task you mean the ability to talk on the phone while on Instant Messenger, then yeah, I got this multi-tasking thing down pat.

With all the hotel membership reward cards that I carry around, I now have more plastic on me than Michael Jackson.

My schedule has me spread out thinner than Mary Kate Olsen and Lindsay Lohan.

Overweight member of Sigma Delta Tau, whose Greek letters appear to spell out the word EAT, transfers after constant ridicule.

When asked what he likes most about going to school at Adelphi, freshman student replies, "having a car".

At a recent fair, after many frivolous attempts, I realized that trying to set up a rectangular banner on a circular table is like trying to get your girlfriend to agree to a threesome. It's just not going to happen.

In waiting area, over sensitive flat screen tv gets jealous of water jugs.

* If you liked those, check out my next list: "Ruminations On Living in Your Parent's Basement"

Arrested Development

So a friend of mine, let's call him Brian, came across a website, www.prisonbitchname.com, that tells you what your prison nickname would be if you ever find yourself in the slammer. I don't know why Brian was thinking about getting it in the popper, but I'm glad he was, because he came across this website and now we can all find out what our names would be. Here are a few samples:

Me - Nappy Hole
Leigh - 3 Dollar Bill
Erin - Lips
Brian B - Horse Hung Harry
Brian M - The One-Eyed Ogre
Russell - Golden Boy
Sean - Butt Blaster
Tully - Skank Cunt
Billy - Rim Shot
Rob - Bung Boy
Melissa - The Perv
Heidi - Pillow Biter
Katie - Mayonaise Queen
Salvo - Fudge Packer
Sechrist - Ankle Grabber
Justin - The Gerbil
Tommy - Liberace
Lauren - Fuck Stick
Drew - Moustache Girl
JP - The Rear Queer
Dan P - Shit Eater
Kristen J. - Queer Johnny
Kristen T. - Heywood Djeblomi
Whitney - Wish Bone

Now let's all take a moment to wish that we never wind up in jail.

Shames(s) on U: Why Bronson Why?

Shame(s) on you, Bronson Arroyo.

As if it weren't bad enough that you and the Red Sox beat the Yankees last year in the ALCS, you had to go out and do this. As if it weren't bad enough that you and Mike Timlin made fun of my hair last year before a game, saying that it was worse than Johnny Damon's, you had to add even further insult to injury. As if it weren't bad enough that you can throw harder with your left hand than I can with my right, you had to rub it in even more and hook up with some sluts from Northeastern.

How dare you, Bronson Arroyo. Those were my sluts. I paid $100,000 for the right to go to parties and try to hook up with girls just like that. What gives you the right to stroll onto campus and steal them away from me and all the other Northeastern students out there?

It's bad enough being a Northeastern student and living in the shadow of BU and BC, even when there are lots of hot girls around to look at. What's the school spirit going to be like now that all the hot girls on campus are now in the Red Sox clubhouse acting as 'ball girls' for the day?

Just because you play the acoustic guitar and wear beads in your hair like some kind of 14 year old girl on a family vacation to the Bahamas, doesn't give you the right to bang whoever you damn well please. Perhaps your beads were wound a little bit too tight the night you decided to swing by campus. Hopefully, you'll do us all a favor from now on and get your sluts from online chat rooms like me and leave the NU sluts to the hockey team.

Believe me, they need all the extra incentive they can get.

Red Sox pitcher Bronson Arroyo doing in one night what I could not in four years......

You Can Call Me Mr. S

Although I will also answer to Mr. Shames and Coach. That's right bitches, my life altering career path has been decided...I'm going to be a high school social studies teacher while simultaneously coaching some sports, advising the school newspaper, and chaperoning the prom and what not.

Since I still have the maturity of a 9th grader, watch TRL every afternoon, have a crush on Chad Michael Murray, and think that Kelly Clarkson's 'since you've been gone' is the best song ever, it's only fitting that I work at a high school.

The only bad part is that I have to go get my master's degree now, which will take about two years and I would still need a part-time job during that time. In theory, I could bartend but that would be silly since I don't know how to open a beer or what to put in a margarita. Although, whoever hires me wouldn't have to worry about me drinking the profits.

Seriously though, I'm really excited about becoming a teacher. So if you'll excuse me I'm going to go watch the School of Rock and see if I can pick up anything. Oh, and for homework watch the Inferno II and tell me what happens in 500 words or less.

Happy Birthday Leigh Bob

So, I was hanging out last night at this bar called Splash on the Nautical Mile. If your not familar with where it is just make a left onto dirtbag road, turn right onto meathead street, go straight for two blocks and then its right there on your left hand side between all the white trash sluts and pot heads.

Seriously, I've never been more uncomfortable in my life. Well, expect for maybe the time in seventh grade when the kids behind me were throwing pencils at me every time the substitute teacher turned around.

But anyway, the bar/long island trash breeding ground got me thinking about how much I miss today's birthday girl, the lovely Leigh Taginski. I definitely miss game nights, going to the movies, and hanging out in afterHOURS. Essentially, I miss all the sober fun we used to have.

There needs to be more people like you in the world. You know the kind of people who are already making plans to go to the midnight Harry Potter book release party at Barnes and Nobles. The kind of people who haven't met a hot chocolate they didn't like. The kind of people who carry on the tradition of labor day on your birthday.

But because there isn't we have to cherish the ones we do have. So Leigh, on this your 22nd birthday, I want you to remember one thing....your the best.

Happy Birthday.

So, I met this great girl, but.....

One Man's Garbage is Another Man's Treasure

Or so goes the old saying. But that was hardly the case today. It was more like one man's garbage is another man's garbage.

You see, I went to a block sale in East Meadow in search of various trinkets to decorate my bachelor pad with and came away empty handed. Well almost empty handed. I did manage to pick up a few blisters and I damn sure acquired an appettite.

But much to my chagrin I didn't find anything worth purchasing. I was tempted to buy a mini-fridge for $15, but then I thought that a mini-fridge in my apartment filled with sunkist and box drinks wouldn't be very cool. After all, I need to dress this place up because you never know when the crew from MTV Cribs is going to be stopping by to film my episode.

So I went to the Tri-County Flea Market and bought a few posters. I picked up Scarface (seems like every single celebrity has one), the starry night Van Gogh, and some dogs playing poker. All key pick ups if you ask me.

The bachelor pad is coming along very nicely I think.

Now if I could only find a girl to come see it......

Yeah, But Can They Spell Taginski?

So I was watching the Scripps National Spelling Bee today (further proof that I have no life) and came up with the great idea to hold a spelling bee of my own involving some of my friends.

All contestants will be given a word and have it used in a sentence before having to spell it. May the best speller win!

Host: First up is Billy Bezouska from Baldwin, NY sponsored by Newsday.

Billy, your word is nonsensical.

'Almost everything Billy says when arguing with Craig is nonsensical.'

Billy: N o n s e n s e i c a l

Host: Sorry Billy that is incorrect, there is no e.

Next up is Brian Berkowicz from Coral Springs, FL sponsored by the Miami Herald.

Brian, your word is chlamydia.

'Brian, it's only a matter of time before you contract chlamydia.'

Brian: oh thats easy, I was just reading about that while I was at the doctor's office getting tested for AIDS. C h l a m i d i a

Host: Sorry Brian it's a y before the d, not an i.

Our next contestant is Leigh Taginski from Boston, MA and sponsored by the Boston Globe.

Leigh, your word is egregious.

'Your obsessions with Disney, Charmed and collecting things in three are egregious to me.'

Leigh: egreechus

Host: I'm sorry that wasn't even close.

Our next contestant, Brian Malfettone, is also from Baldwin, NY and is sponsored by the Baldwin Herald.

Brian your word is fifty.

"Recording artist fifty cent has 3 songs in the top 10.'

Brian: Oh, I know this one. F I T Y. Fity.

Host: I'm sorry Brian, I think you've been watching a little bit too much of the Chappelle show.

And our final contestant hailing from her mom's hotel room in New York, NY and sponsored by the New York Times is Whitney Bates. If Whitney gets this right she wins by default.

Whitney, your word is Ventigimilia.

'Aren't you glad you don't have to pronounce Ventigimilia anymore?'

Whitney: Damn, I hate work. F' work, f' this spelling bee. I'm out.

Host: Well on that note it looks like no one has won today's spelling bee. Wait just a minute, I'm getting word that we have a late entry. Ladies and gentlemen let's welcome to the stage, Craig Shames.

Craig your word is Malfettone.

'Brian Malfettone is one of your best friends and you still don't know how to spell his last name after 23 years.'

Craig: Can I get the place of origin please?

Host: Phil Malfettone, Joanne Malfettone, and a bottle of rum.

Craig: Malfattore.

Host: Pathetic, just pathetic. You guys spell worse than the Yankees play baseball. I haven't seen a display of ineptitude this bad since the time I went roller blading with Erin and Leigh. In fact, the only thing more embarrassing than your spelling is Tommy's dancing.

And since you all spelt your words wrong, I have no choice but to award the spelling bee crown to Brian Berkowicz since he came the closest.

Brian: I just want to thank my mom and dad for all their support over the years. And of course a special shout out goes to Heather. Oh, and Danielle. And Tanya. And Christina. Oh, and I can't forget about Salma and Penelope. And Tiffany. And Heidi. Did I mention Tanya yet? And of course there's Allison, and the twins from the other night and.....

Shame(s) on U: In Defense of Danica

Shame(s) on you, Indy race car drivers. You should have embraced the first woman to ever lead the Indy 500, Danica Patrick. But instead you made excuses and tried to bring her down. Tried to suggest that because she weighs up to 100 pounds lighter than you, that she has some kind of unfair advantage. That her car will go quicker without the extra weight.

Such accusations were nonsensical and offensive and we are all dumber for having heard such remarks. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

So to all you race car drivers out there I have a message for you: Just because crappy ass movies like Days of Thunder and Driven have painted your sport in a bad light doesn't make it okay to take out your frustration on others. Just because no one classifies you as a real athlete does not make it okay to ruin Danica's historic day. Just because you get bombarded with red neck jokes every where you go on tour does not mean that you can say ignorant things that stall our society's progress.

Women already have equal rights; already have the right to vote. It's the gay, lesbian and bi-sexual community that still doesn't have any rights. So please do us all a favor and leave Danica alone and go make fun of Anne Heche you pieces of trailer park trash.

Breaking News: Paris to wed Paris

Los Angeles, CA - In a surprise development, hotel heiress and amateur porn star, Paris Hilton, has agreed to marry Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis after only five months of dating.

Industry insiders say that they are repulsed, apaled, and disgusted by Paris' decision to marry someone with the same namesake as herself.

However, they did go on to say that the Paris-Paris wedding, however weird it may be, is not nearly as disturbing as the developments coming out of Baldwin, NY where long time oedipus complex sufferer Brian Malfettone is dating someone with the same name as his mom.

Craig to the Rescue

So last night I went to watch Billy's other softball team, the Swingers, play a tuesday night doubleheader because the Gilmore Girls weren't fresh, the Yankees were playing the bottom feeding Royals, and well because I have no life.

I kept the book just like in the glory days of Oceanside High School and chased down some foul balls. All was well in my world. And then it happened...

Just before the seventh inning of the second game, one of their players left because it was getting late and he had to go to work the next day. He thought since he was at the bottom of the lineup and his team was down by seven runs that his departure wouldn't affect anything. Little did he know that the Swingers would rally and that his spot in the order would come up.

Since he left, his spot in the order should have been an automatic out, one that would have killed the Swingers rally and cost them the game. But since I was just lying around, I was able to pinch hit for him and the rest as they say is history.

In what some are saying is one of the greatest moments in baseball/softball history, yours truly, ala Kirk Gibson, came off the bench, and without so much as a practice swing, lined a rally continuing base hit to center field.

Two batters later and the game was over. The Swingers had their first win of their year. And I had an even bigger ego. All in a day's work.