And the golden popcorn goes to....

After watching the MTV Movie Awards last night, I decided to hold an awards show of my own. Unfortunately, MTV would rather air reruns of "Meet the Barkers" and "I Want a Famous Face" than air the first annual 'Craig Awards'. So we won't be able to watch the show but here is a recap of what happened.....

Awards you would expect to see on MTV:

Best kiss - Erin Burns for her surprise kiss that sent me flying across the room, resulting in a broken lamp and $135 in other various room damages.

Best comedic performance: Brian Malfettone for calling me "Jewbacca" in a blog article that detailed how I am a descendant of a yetti.

Best team: The Gamers for leading the ABA in fewest runs allowed and allowing me to pitch even though the likelihood of me throwing a strike is about as great as the likelihood of me losing my virginity to someone other than a hooker.

Break through performer (male) - Billy Bezouska for playing wiffleball, buying me a bike, and allowing me to give him this award even though he thinks that it is insanely gay.

Break through performer (female) - Whitney Bates for being the only person at work to actually think my ruminations list was funny.

Best male performance - Sean Gordon in Napolean Dynomite. Oh wait, that wasn't Sean. That was John Heder.

Best female performance - Leigh in bed, although I'll never know.

Lifetime achievement award - Craig's left hand for always being there for him when he needed it.

Best movie - Meet the Fockers, starring Brian Berkowicz and whoever he brings home from the bar.

Now for the real awards, not those nicely packaged MTV ones:

Best crotch grab while falling down - Erin Burns

Most obsessed with Disney (tie) - Leigh Taginski and Justin Bender

Dirtiest thing said - Heidi Squires for saying that she wanted to put on a strap on and give it to Britney Spears.

Best timing - Russell Martello for wearing a Baldwin Unity Day t-shirt the day after an article on gamersallaccess.blogspot.com made fun of him for always wearing a Baldwin Unity Day shirt.

The funniest moment of the year - Brian Malfettone for yelling out during a recent softball game when work out fiend, Scott Goldsmith, was late running out to the field, "hold up he's just finishing up a set. He'll be right out."

Highest threshold for pain (tie) - Tommy Gould, Mike Salvo, and Mike Sechrist for putting up with Bender all those years.

Person most likely to kill me for jokes made during this awards show (tie) : Heidi Squires and Justin Bender.