Shames to Start Seeing Sports Therapist

Here's another parody article I wrote for www.gamersallaccess.blogspot.com.

Oceanside, NY - After suffering a nervous breakdown while on the mound this past week, Gamers starting pitcher Craig Shames has been recommended by the team's upper management to start undergoing psychiatric treatment. It is believed that Shames will start seeing the same sports therapist that Alex Rodriguez is presently seeing.

Gamers manager William Bezouska said, "it was clear to us after Craig yelled at the other team for not swinging at his crappy pitches and then challenged the umpire to a fight for not calling his crappy pitches strikes, that he needed help. I'm just upset at myself for not picking up on this sooner."

1b Zac Nicholson said, "maybe the 100 degree heat affected Craig. Or maybe it was the annoying beat of the rave music. Either way it's totally understandable that he would suffer a breakdown. I was on the verge of losing it myself."

According to team sources, Shames was driven over the edge not by the heat or rave music, but by the antics of team joker and former fraternity president, Dave Kheel, who after each of the last two games has tried to pantst Craig. It's gotten to the point where Craig has become paranoid when in public places, fearful that Kheel is going to jump out and pantst him again or give him an atomic weegie.

"The other day I was walking home and got startled," Shames said. "I thought Kheel was coming up from behind me. But it was only my shadow."

That's exactly the kind of behavior that has long worried team officials.

Bezouska said, "we can't have a pitcher whose afraid of his own shadow or of going outside in the rain. We need someone who is going to have the intestinal fortitude to throw strikes in big spots. That's why we're gonna sign that 14 year old girl again."

When told of Bezouska's comments, Shames said, "that's just Billy running his mouth, trying to scare me into thinking that my job is in jeopardy. He believes that if he puts pressure on me to keep my job it's gonna make me into a diamond. But how can that be? Diamonds are a girl's best friend and since no girl wants anything do with me, I'm clearly not a diamond. I don't know what he's talking about. I'm just going to stick to group therapy and not worry about any of his stupid analogies."

When hearing about that, Of Brian Malfettone said, "if group therapy doesn't work out, maybe we'll just bring a 12 pack and get Craig drunk before the next game. Hopefully, he'll get so drunk that he passes out and then we won't have to worry about this anymore. Worst case scenario is that it loosens him up and he pitches better. So it's really a win-win situation for us."

2b Rob Rathbun weighed in on the subject of Craig's mental health, "I think it's a shame, no pun intended, that Craig hasn't been able to pitch better. But I don't think it's because of paranoia or anything like that. I just think it's because he's crazy. After all, he once broke a kid's nose just for bumping into him in the hallway."

In response, Shames said, "I'm not crazy. I may be a momma's boy with homosexual tendencies who pees sitting down and has a subscription to Cosmo Girl, but if there's one thing I'm not, it's crazy."