I'm the Kind of Guy Who.....

So the other day, after four years of frustration, I finally got to third base!!!! And no, I don't mean I hit a triple in softball. I mean with a girl. Well, at least by my standards that is. You see I live in a world where things act according to Einstein's Theory of Virginity. Not as popular as his Theory on Relativity but nonetheless a very good one. It states that for pathetic losers such as myself, the normal base scale (first base = kissing, etc.) does not apply. For us the following scale applies:

1st base = Briefly touching the hand of a female cashier as she gives you your change back
2nd base = Accidentally bumping into someone while on a crowded subway
3rd base = Prolonged rubbing of a body part, i.e. a female orthopedist
HR = Full body massage (with or without a happy ending)

So when I say I got to third base, I mean I was at the mall and a female Botanical Garden employee applied lotion and cream to my hands in an attempt to get me to buy some pore opening moisturizer for father's day. She thought she was making a living. But in reality she was really making my you know what come alive. (Hey don't look at me like that, it's Einstein's theory, not mine.)

Aside from being the kind of guy who thinks a high five from a girl is permisicous behavior, I came up with a list of other examples that clearly justify the name of this blog.

I'm the kind of guy who.....

Buys a $100 bike rather than get one for free from a friend, because the free one would have required refilling the back tire with air.

Thinks he won $500 in a Daily News Scratch and Match Game, only to find out after buying a $250 phone, that the winning numbers were printed in error, and that he didn't actually win anything.

Gets his news from the pop up box when signing onto aim.

Only has female friends that he wants to hook up with but then gets stuck in the friend zone with each of them and doesn't hook up with any of them.

Wears socks with sandals.

Gets his mom presents on his birthday.

Quits the Army because he doesn't like the food, wasn't getting enough sleep, and was afraid of sleeping in the woods with bugs.

Picks favorite sports teams based on the current standings.

Thinks putting coins in a coke bottle constitutes a savings account.

Judges popularity according to the number of facebook friends one has.

Thinks looking at jdate profiles counts as going on dates.

Thinks waking up at 11 am is getting an early start to the day.

Would rather die at 50 eating junk food than live to 80 eating tofu.

Will leave the bar early because he's tired but then wind up staying up until 4 am anyway watching tv.

Will spend all his free time making ridicilious "I'm the Kind of Guy Who" lists for his blog that no one is going to read anyway.