Here's a parody article that I wrote for Gamers All Access. You can check out similar articles at www.gamersallaccess.blogspot.com
Baldwin, NY - The second place Gamers who have yet to play a game at full strength won't have that luxury again this Saturday or in the forseeable future after learning that swift fielding outfielder, Scott 'infield fly rule' Zimmerman, may be out for the year with an undisclosed shoulder injury.
Zimmerman released the following statement through his agent, "I'm not quite sure how the injury occurred. There was not one specific moment that I can remember hearing something pop. I think it may have happened when I was playing in my uncle's old man softball league or perhaps when I was lifting weights. I just want to let all my fans know that the hockey player in me wants to play on Saturday but the doctors say that I can't."
Despite Zimmerman saying otherwise in his statement to the media, All Access was able to ascertain the exact cause of his injury. According to an unidentified source the injury occurred when Scott fell backwards out of his chair while violently whacking off at his computer to a porno of a midget blowing a horse.
Fellow outfielder Brian "sorry guys, but I can't play because I have a paper cut" Malfettone, was hit hardest by the news of Zimmerman's injury. "Billy is responsible for getting Zac, Dave, Peter, and Johnny on the team. And Rob's responsible for getting us Rob Rathbun, Scotty G., and his brothers. But getting Scott on the team was all because of me. I scouted him playing stickball and signed him to his first deal. I wanted to get the credit when he made it to the next level. Kind of the way Omar Minaya is credited with signing Sammy Sosa. But now that's out the window."
1b Zac "Matinee Idol" Nicholson was also upset about losing Zimmerman. "This sucks. Without Scott, I'm now the only NYU graduate on the team. Looks like I'm gonna have to field all the questions about the Olsen Twins whereabouts by myself. How am I supposed to concentrate on my performance at the plate or in the World Beard and Mustache Championships if I always have to stop and answer all those damn questions?"
To replace Zimmerman defensively on Saturday, Gamers manager William Bezouska said that he might let catcher/dh Dave "I think I'm a funny blog writer but I'm really not" Kheel play the field, but the more likely scenario is that they'll either pick up someone walking down Merrick Road on the way to the game or just play the field with 9 players.
In addition to losing Zimmerman the Gamers might also lose star shortstop Rob Roll who plans on moving to Boston for a job although the real reason is because he wants to get away from Bezouska and Swingers manager Mark Wan, both of whom continue to hound him to pay his entry and uniform fees.
In an exclusive interview with All Access, Roll revealed that he still plans on coming back to New York though on the weekends even if he moves, partly to continue blocking Rob Rathbun from playing shortstop, but primarily because he hasn't yet hooked up with everyone who works at Fridays.
After hearing that Roll may be moving to Boston, only to find out that he may be staying, Rathbun said, "First Roll was going to California but then never did. Now he may or may not be going to Boston. Just make up your fucking mind already because I can't take this anymore. It's driving me crazy. Now I know how Kheel feels every day."
Gamers Starting Pitcher, Craig "woman hater" Shames, cautioned everyone not to read too much into news of Roll's pending departure. "Rob has a history of being a pathological liar. We all know about the California incident but there was also the time he was supposed to go to Florida with this ex girl friend but never did and the time he swore he was gonna move out and get an apartment in Long Beach but never did. I think he also once claimed that he invented the question mark, so I wouldn't worry too much about him leaving. He probably never even had a job interview."
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