The List That Got Me Fired.....

Let's not kid ourselves. I wasn't fired because they hired another jewish person and I was no longer needed to fulfill the quota. Nor was I fired because I spent half my day in the bathroom and the other half checking my 27 fantasy baseball teams. The single most prominent factor in my firing was my christmas present to everyone in the office. That of course being, the now infamous, "Ruminations on College Recruiting Life."

So by popular demand here are some of my favorite excerpts from the list that got me fired:

One time on a recruiting trip, I stayed over in a Super 8 motel. They were filming a porno in the room to my left, running a prostitution ring out of the room on my right, and smuggling opium out of the room above me. I was wondering what I was doing there, until I realized that as a traveling salesman of sorts, I actually fit right in.

I've gotten so used to using MapQuest that the other day when someone asked me how to get to the University Center, I told them to make a left and proceed for .1 miles until they reach the destination.

Judge considers forcing inmates to serve their sentences in University Admissions before deciding that six months of coding transfer files would be 'cruel and unusual punishment'.

New organization, Young Admissions Counselors (YAC) to form. Annual conference to be held around toilet bowl.

Independent commission reveals that happy, joyous students photographed for road piece boxes actually go to NYU.

Student laments that attending Adelphi is a lot like unprotected sex. You're glad you got in but sorry you came.

In five years, University to rename New Hall, "Still Kind of New Hall".

Everyone says that the most important skill one can have is the ability to multi-task. If by multi-task you mean the ability to talk on the phone while on Instant Messenger, then yeah, I got this multi-tasking thing down pat.

With all the hotel membership reward cards that I carry around, I now have more plastic on me than Michael Jackson.

My schedule has me spread out thinner than Mary Kate Olsen and Lindsay Lohan.

Overweight member of Sigma Delta Tau, whose Greek letters appear to spell out the word EAT, transfers after constant ridicule.

When asked what he likes most about going to school at Adelphi, freshman student replies, "having a car".

At a recent fair, after many frivolous attempts, I realized that trying to set up a rectangular banner on a circular table is like trying to get your girlfriend to agree to a threesome. It's just not going to happen.

In waiting area, over sensitive flat screen tv gets jealous of water jugs.

* If you liked those, check out my next list: "Ruminations On Living in Your Parent's Basement"