I'm sick and tired of hearing all this talk about how shocked you at the ignorance of New York baseball fans. About how you can't believe that we're even having this conversation in today's day and age. About how incredulous it is that people are actually upset that Mets GM Omar Minaya might be constructing a Latino All Star Team out of the Mets roster.
All of you from Newsday's Jon Heyman to the Post's Joel Sherman to the Daily News' Mike Lupica all the way down the line to the lackey who gets coffee for the lackey who gets coffee for everyone else are to be blamed. Blamed that is for blowing this way out of proportion.
There is no racism here on the part of New Yorkers. This isn't Topeka, Kansas. This is a very diverse area, the so called 'melting pot' of society, where people come from all over the world to make a better life for themselves. These people have far too much to worry about than to take the time out of their busy lives to get upset that the Mets roster has been filled with Latino born players.
News flash. Latino baseball players are amongst the best in the world! Baseball is probably 40% latino by now with hotbeads in the Dominican Republic, Cuba and Venezuela turning out all star players left and right. In a few years almost every GM in baseball will be accused of assembling a Latino all star team. That just goes to show the growth rate of baseball around the world.
No rational Mets fan is going to get upset over the fact that his favorite team has a largely latino flavor to it. You just want your team to get the best players and you can't argue with the fact that Pedro Martinez, Carlos Beltran, and Carlos Delgado are amongst the best players in the game.Getting those guys were the right moves to make. No one is going to question that.
However, once someone pointed out the obvious, that the Mets were becoming more Latino since Minaya took over, it suddenly became a taboo subject. In fact, if you were to factually state that the Mets were indeed becoming more Latino (they've added something like 22 latino players to their roster in the last year) you would be branded a bigot by the New York Sports Media. And that's where I draw the line.
If someone says I don't want to be a Mets fans anymore because they've become too Latino then yeah I agree with the columnists that the baffoon who said that should be locked up and have the key thrown away.
But if someone is merely stating that a Latino GM is acquiring Latino born players then I don't see what the problem is.Why can't people face facts and actually admit that the face of the Mets has changed. Carlos Delgado even said that Minaya used a Latino angle to try to recruit him prior to last year when he was a free agent. That was the major reason why he signed instead with the Marlins. And the biggest reason why the Mets gave Pedro a four year deal was because they knew it make them more attractive to latino players like Beltran and Manny Ramirez.
The distinction that needs to be made here is that Minaya isn't trying to assemble a Latino all star team by design. That's what the World Baseball Classic is for. He's just trying to make the Mets better...by using his background, heritage, and influence in the region to attract the best free agents who just so happen to be Latino. See the difference? There's no intent. Just a strategic advantage in the marketplace. One that he would be foolish not to use to his advantage.
So, from here on out I would like to be able to call it like I see it without fear of being branded a bigot. You got that New York Sports Media? Why don't you stop playing the race card and go grill Minaya about why he just traded Kris Benson for piece of shit Jorge Julio.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
Museum Madness
Trying to be cultural while seeing as much of NYC as I can before I head down South, I headed to the Met with Witty Whit on Sunday after having brunch in the Village. Surprisingly, no talk of baseball could be found just a bunch of people milling around looking at paintings that even a six year old could have made. Somehow that's art to most people.
While walking around and illegally taking pictures with our flash on I was able to think of a few ideas that could enrich the museum going experience. And having paintings that actuaully look like they took some time to make isn't one of them suprisingly. These ideas are quite shocking though so hold onto your sense of reality for I'm about to blow your mind:
1. An entire museum connecting by waterways. You would have to get into two person paddleboats to get from exhibit to exhibit. When you got there you could dock and get off if you wanted to look around. If not you could just keep paddling. It would be like that scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory minus the underpaid and overworked midgets, er, I mean little people.
2. Discovery zone like play areas such as a mock pyramid that you could crawl through to explore. Not just for kids, everyone would get to go inside and get the experience as if they were actually in one of the Great Pyramids. Would come complete with free camel rides while you wait. Would cut down on travel costs to North Africa.
3. No cameras! Cameras but no flashes! What's up with that? Why not create replicas of famous paintings and artifacts that tourists can use to take pictures by as if they were actually standing next to the real thing. Maybe even a Mona Lisa cardboard cutout that you could put your head through.
4. Why go to a museum featuring 20th and 21st century artifacts 200 years from now when you can go to one now? How cool would it be if you could check out how a futuristic society would look at our culture? Everyday items you take for granted would be showcased to show how future peoples will remember us. And you thought staring through a glass at a bunch of cavemen harpooning a whale was fun! Wait until you can look through a glass at a family of four eating dinner while watching Jeopardy!
While walking around and illegally taking pictures with our flash on I was able to think of a few ideas that could enrich the museum going experience. And having paintings that actuaully look like they took some time to make isn't one of them suprisingly. These ideas are quite shocking though so hold onto your sense of reality for I'm about to blow your mind:
1. An entire museum connecting by waterways. You would have to get into two person paddleboats to get from exhibit to exhibit. When you got there you could dock and get off if you wanted to look around. If not you could just keep paddling. It would be like that scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory minus the underpaid and overworked midgets, er, I mean little people.
2. Discovery zone like play areas such as a mock pyramid that you could crawl through to explore. Not just for kids, everyone would get to go inside and get the experience as if they were actually in one of the Great Pyramids. Would come complete with free camel rides while you wait. Would cut down on travel costs to North Africa.
3. No cameras! Cameras but no flashes! What's up with that? Why not create replicas of famous paintings and artifacts that tourists can use to take pictures by as if they were actually standing next to the real thing. Maybe even a Mona Lisa cardboard cutout that you could put your head through.
4. Why go to a museum featuring 20th and 21st century artifacts 200 years from now when you can go to one now? How cool would it be if you could check out how a futuristic society would look at our culture? Everyday items you take for granted would be showcased to show how future peoples will remember us. And you thought staring through a glass at a bunch of cavemen harpooning a whale was fun! Wait until you can look through a glass at a family of four eating dinner while watching Jeopardy!
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Girlfriend of the Week
Last night Brian M. asked me that if I really knew what I was looking for in a girl. If I would actually be able to know it when I see it like most people say. My answer: a defiant yes. After all, it's not hard to know what you're looking for when all you ask is that the person look like Natalie Portman.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Action Packed Weekend
You're probably thinking to yourself: "Craig, how are you up before 3 pm on a Saturday? Especially after you just pulled an all nighter in AC and went straight to the doctor and the Knicks game!"
Well my friends the answer is that I have a small bladder. After waking up to go to the bathroom I saw an instant message on my computer from my friend Darren saying that he wanted to talk trade as soon as I woke up. Now there are two ways to get me out of bed. Number one would be if a hot girl said wake up and have sex with me. Number two would be if a guy said wake up and trade with me.
After trading Eddy Curry for Zac Randolph I was too awake to go back to bed. So I called up Malfy and we're about to play some football. Before I go though I just wanted to give everyone an update on my action packed weekend.
First off, Atlantic City was off the hook. I happen to think it's a great place to hang out. Too bad that the only people that agree with me are geriatric all stars, Vietnam War vets who live under the boardwalk, compulsive gamblers from NYC, and gang bangers from West Philadelphia. It really is quite the shithole but fun nonetheless.
I went with my buddy Salvo from NU whose probably one of the funniest people I know. His only concern in life is trying to figure out whether he's a bigger womanizer, gambler, or drunk. Gambling with him is like running with the bulls naked while on ectasy. You're bound to get fucked up.
I lost some money but took solace in the fact that I lose less than him and less than his friend who looked eerily similar to Ben Roethlisberger. By the time 4 am rolled around I decided to take the red eye bus back to NYC rather than crash in the hotel room for 3 hours. The bus was packed, presumably with people who like me had just lost all their money, but whom unlike me were probably actually going to go to work as if nothing had happened. I on the other hand had to go to the doctor.
Where I discovered that one of the leading causes of migraine headaches, from which I think I now suffer, are.....pickles! Uh oh. I eat pickles all the time. It's one of the staples of my diet along with orange soda, licorice, and pretzels. What am I going to do for food now?!
After getting the bad news I took a nap and then headed back into the city with Russell for the Knicks game. Ben Stiller was in the house. Which made me believe that Ben and I are soulmates. After all, I was just in Victor Talbot's for my sister's wedding which is where the tuxedo scene from Meet the Parents was filmed. Weird.
Anyway, I'll have to fill you all in on the rest some other time. Brian just pulled up. It's time to throw the rock.
Well my friends the answer is that I have a small bladder. After waking up to go to the bathroom I saw an instant message on my computer from my friend Darren saying that he wanted to talk trade as soon as I woke up. Now there are two ways to get me out of bed. Number one would be if a hot girl said wake up and have sex with me. Number two would be if a guy said wake up and trade with me.
After trading Eddy Curry for Zac Randolph I was too awake to go back to bed. So I called up Malfy and we're about to play some football. Before I go though I just wanted to give everyone an update on my action packed weekend.
First off, Atlantic City was off the hook. I happen to think it's a great place to hang out. Too bad that the only people that agree with me are geriatric all stars, Vietnam War vets who live under the boardwalk, compulsive gamblers from NYC, and gang bangers from West Philadelphia. It really is quite the shithole but fun nonetheless.
I went with my buddy Salvo from NU whose probably one of the funniest people I know. His only concern in life is trying to figure out whether he's a bigger womanizer, gambler, or drunk. Gambling with him is like running with the bulls naked while on ectasy. You're bound to get fucked up.
I lost some money but took solace in the fact that I lose less than him and less than his friend who looked eerily similar to Ben Roethlisberger. By the time 4 am rolled around I decided to take the red eye bus back to NYC rather than crash in the hotel room for 3 hours. The bus was packed, presumably with people who like me had just lost all their money, but whom unlike me were probably actually going to go to work as if nothing had happened. I on the other hand had to go to the doctor.
Where I discovered that one of the leading causes of migraine headaches, from which I think I now suffer, are.....pickles! Uh oh. I eat pickles all the time. It's one of the staples of my diet along with orange soda, licorice, and pretzels. What am I going to do for food now?!
After getting the bad news I took a nap and then headed back into the city with Russell for the Knicks game. Ben Stiller was in the house. Which made me believe that Ben and I are soulmates. After all, I was just in Victor Talbot's for my sister's wedding which is where the tuxedo scene from Meet the Parents was filmed. Weird.
Anyway, I'll have to fill you all in on the rest some other time. Brian just pulled up. It's time to throw the rock.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Week In Review
*Special Early Edition
Random thoughts from the last week:
How come when driving people always start to go when the turning lane starts to go? Is it really that confusing?
They say that timing is everything in life. That couldn't be more true for me whenever I put on Letterman. No matter what time it is I seem to be destined to never miss a Top Ten list. It's quite remarkable actually.
I'm thinking about some new nicknames. What do you think about the Prince of Procrastination and the Master of the Mess?
I think I'm psychic. On the train ride home Tuesday night I was wondering to myself who would play who in an A Team movie if they ever made one. Then that night the booker show on K rock had a bit about who would play who in a movie about the A team! Bizarre. They had Jim Carrey as Murdock, Ving Rhames as B.A., George Clooney as Hanibal, and Brad Pitt as Face. What a great movie that would be. They also had Fez from That 70's Show and Paul Walker of The Fast and the Furious fame as the duo from Chips.
Speaking of K rock, to anyone who doubted me when I said they were going to an all talk format: I told you so!
My co-worker Melissa had the lines of the week when after I wore an all Brown outfit on Monday she said I look like a UPS delivery guy. Then on Tuesday when I wore gray and blue she said I look like a postal worker. I guess you had to be there.
I think that in any given situation a group of people would fall into a tired spectrum. Meaning that at all times every group of people needs someone to be full of energy and someone to be really tired. I noticed this at work when no matter how tired I was if I saw everyone else dragging ass I would be like what's the matter with you people let's get going. But if at the same time I group of hyperactive party animals invited me to a rave I would be like, 'no thanks, I'm too tired to do anything.'
Hollywood has really got to start ripping me off. As if the 40 Year Old Virgin wasn't bad enough now there's going to be a Curious George movie coming out this February
Am I really that hairy that Gillette found it necessary to mail me a completely unsollicited free razor the other day? Are they trying to tell me something
Are video games a sport?
Salvo: Not even a canibal will eat ass. But I will.
Random thoughts from the last week:
How come when driving people always start to go when the turning lane starts to go? Is it really that confusing?
They say that timing is everything in life. That couldn't be more true for me whenever I put on Letterman. No matter what time it is I seem to be destined to never miss a Top Ten list. It's quite remarkable actually.
I'm thinking about some new nicknames. What do you think about the Prince of Procrastination and the Master of the Mess?
I think I'm psychic. On the train ride home Tuesday night I was wondering to myself who would play who in an A Team movie if they ever made one. Then that night the booker show on K rock had a bit about who would play who in a movie about the A team! Bizarre. They had Jim Carrey as Murdock, Ving Rhames as B.A., George Clooney as Hanibal, and Brad Pitt as Face. What a great movie that would be. They also had Fez from That 70's Show and Paul Walker of The Fast and the Furious fame as the duo from Chips.
Speaking of K rock, to anyone who doubted me when I said they were going to an all talk format: I told you so!
My co-worker Melissa had the lines of the week when after I wore an all Brown outfit on Monday she said I look like a UPS delivery guy. Then on Tuesday when I wore gray and blue she said I look like a postal worker. I guess you had to be there.
I think that in any given situation a group of people would fall into a tired spectrum. Meaning that at all times every group of people needs someone to be full of energy and someone to be really tired. I noticed this at work when no matter how tired I was if I saw everyone else dragging ass I would be like what's the matter with you people let's get going. But if at the same time I group of hyperactive party animals invited me to a rave I would be like, 'no thanks, I'm too tired to do anything.'
Hollywood has really got to start ripping me off. As if the 40 Year Old Virgin wasn't bad enough now there's going to be a Curious George movie coming out this February
Am I really that hairy that Gillette found it necessary to mail me a completely unsollicited free razor the other day? Are they trying to tell me something
Are video games a sport?
Salvo: Not even a canibal will eat ass. But I will.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Cheapskate Craig's Guide To Gambling
From the acclaimed author of Rob Roll's Guide To Being a Better Baller comes Cheapskate Craig's Guide to Gambling. After all, who needs Cheapskate Charlie when you have Cheapskate Craig.
In honor of his trip to Atlantic City later today Cheapskate Craig shares an excerpt from his soon to be released book, "How To Win At Craps and Eat For Free". In the following CC goes through all his world renowned tips to having a good time at a casino without spending more than 20 beans. Enjoy:
1. If you're going to Atlantic City take the Lucky Strike line of buses from most nearby major cities and ride for free. These buses go directly to the boardwalk with door to door service to almost every casino. When you get off at the casino you get your ticket refunded in the form of playing chips and food. In theory, you're getting round trip transportation, an all you can eat buffet, and enough spending money to kill a night at the slot machines for less than what you would have spent to drive there.
2. Drink for free when gaming. Even if you're not gambling you can get free drinks all night long just by hanging out. Get wasted for free while you watch a 'friend' you've never met before play craps. Or just sit at a slot machine and pretend to put a coin in every few minutes. Service is better at the tables than the slots though. Either way this gives pre-gaming a whole new meaning.
3. When playing craps start with more money than you intend to use. If you want to play with $40-60 throw down $100 just to look like you're a quasi high roller who knows what he's doing. The pit boss will take notice and you'll get comped free stuff in no time.
4. Speaking of getting combed it's an unspoken casino rule that if you play at a table for at least three hours you'll get a free buffet. And if you play several times within a 2-3 month period you're almost guaranteed to get offered free hotel rooms for future dates.
5. And lastly when playing craps be sure to look for $5 tables. At $10 dollar tables you can win more but you can also lose more. Very quickly. $5 tables make your night last longer and help you last the 3 hours to qualify for the free buffet. Also be sure to tip your servers and dealers so that they keep the booze and good luck rolling.
In honor of his trip to Atlantic City later today Cheapskate Craig shares an excerpt from his soon to be released book, "How To Win At Craps and Eat For Free". In the following CC goes through all his world renowned tips to having a good time at a casino without spending more than 20 beans. Enjoy:
1. If you're going to Atlantic City take the Lucky Strike line of buses from most nearby major cities and ride for free. These buses go directly to the boardwalk with door to door service to almost every casino. When you get off at the casino you get your ticket refunded in the form of playing chips and food. In theory, you're getting round trip transportation, an all you can eat buffet, and enough spending money to kill a night at the slot machines for less than what you would have spent to drive there.
2. Drink for free when gaming. Even if you're not gambling you can get free drinks all night long just by hanging out. Get wasted for free while you watch a 'friend' you've never met before play craps. Or just sit at a slot machine and pretend to put a coin in every few minutes. Service is better at the tables than the slots though. Either way this gives pre-gaming a whole new meaning.
3. When playing craps start with more money than you intend to use. If you want to play with $40-60 throw down $100 just to look like you're a quasi high roller who knows what he's doing. The pit boss will take notice and you'll get comped free stuff in no time.
4. Speaking of getting combed it's an unspoken casino rule that if you play at a table for at least three hours you'll get a free buffet. And if you play several times within a 2-3 month period you're almost guaranteed to get offered free hotel rooms for future dates.
5. And lastly when playing craps be sure to look for $5 tables. At $10 dollar tables you can win more but you can also lose more. Very quickly. $5 tables make your night last longer and help you last the 3 hours to qualify for the free buffet. Also be sure to tip your servers and dealers so that they keep the booze and good luck rolling.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Craig's Lists: I Can't Believe That....
Not looking for a midget to join me and my girlfriend in a threesome. Just looking to post a hilarious list. This time around it's things that I can't believe actually happened/are happening. I can't believe that:
Most people I know don't watch Lost
Kobe Bryant scored 81 points in one game
The media has been praising Kobe not calling him a ball hog
The Madison Square Garden record for most consecutive sold out shows is only 10
Bode Miller is going to be represeting my country
Bruce Willis and Ashton Kutcher are friends
Scientists can't agree on what constitutes a planet
Most people don't think crop circles are real
I haven't missed a day of blogging yet
Brian B. is actually funny. When did that happen?
Kevin Federline thinks he can sing
Brittany Spears married a piece of trailer trash like Kevin Federline
Amish in the City wasn't picked up for a second season
The Yankees wouldn't want a high salaried, one dimensional, over the hill slugger in Mike Piazza
Anna Benson actually said she would sleep with the whole team if Kris ever cheated on her
People take softball as seriously as they do
I don't have a girlfriend
That I never had an imaginary friend growing up
I don't have my own reality show yet
I'm actually moving to Florida
People still watch American Idol
Freddie Prince Jr. has his own show
The Colts lost
It's almost baseball season
Soccer is the most popular sport in the world
Fruit isn't in season year round
Most people I know don't watch Lost
Kobe Bryant scored 81 points in one game
The media has been praising Kobe not calling him a ball hog
The Madison Square Garden record for most consecutive sold out shows is only 10
Bode Miller is going to be represeting my country
Bruce Willis and Ashton Kutcher are friends
Scientists can't agree on what constitutes a planet
Most people don't think crop circles are real
I haven't missed a day of blogging yet
Brian B. is actually funny. When did that happen?
Kevin Federline thinks he can sing
Brittany Spears married a piece of trailer trash like Kevin Federline
Amish in the City wasn't picked up for a second season
The Yankees wouldn't want a high salaried, one dimensional, over the hill slugger in Mike Piazza
Anna Benson actually said she would sleep with the whole team if Kris ever cheated on her
People take softball as seriously as they do
I don't have a girlfriend
That I never had an imaginary friend growing up
I don't have my own reality show yet
I'm actually moving to Florida
People still watch American Idol
Freddie Prince Jr. has his own show
The Colts lost
It's almost baseball season
Soccer is the most popular sport in the world
Fruit isn't in season year round
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
New York, New York
Before I move to Florida (it's T-minus 34 days and counting in case you were keeping track) I thought it might be a good idea to do some things in New York that I've always wanted to but never did. As such, here's a list of things I hope to do in the Big Apple before it's too late:
Walk across the Brooklyn Bridge
Watch one more sporting event at Madison Square Garden
Go to a Broadway show
Go to an off Broadway show
Go to an off off Broadway show
Go to an off off off Broadway show that's so far off Broadway it's actually back on
Ice skating in Rockefeller Center
Meet Donald Trump
Monument Park tour at Yankee Stadium
Go clubbing in the meat packing district
Play three card monty with a homeless guy in the Village
Pick up a prostitute in Times Square
Eat at the 'Seinfeld' dinner near Columbia University
Go on a Cosmo Kramer tour
Play poker in the same underground dive that AROD played in
Go to a Daily Show taping
Go to Cooperstown
Tip over a cow
Go to Niagara Falls
Ride my bike through all five boroughs
Hand deliver a love letter to Natalie Portman
Play in a pickup basketball game at Rucker Park
Enter a hot dog eating contest at Coney Island
Run to the top of the Oceanside Dump
Play manhunt in Oil City
Tell off the Board of Directors of the LIRR
Museum hopping with Whitney
Take a picture with the Naked Cowboy in Times Square
Get on tv during the Today Show
Walk across the Brooklyn Bridge
Watch one more sporting event at Madison Square Garden
Go to a Broadway show
Go to an off Broadway show
Go to an off off Broadway show
Go to an off off off Broadway show that's so far off Broadway it's actually back on
Ice skating in Rockefeller Center
Meet Donald Trump
Monument Park tour at Yankee Stadium
Go clubbing in the meat packing district
Play three card monty with a homeless guy in the Village
Pick up a prostitute in Times Square
Eat at the 'Seinfeld' dinner near Columbia University
Go on a Cosmo Kramer tour
Play poker in the same underground dive that AROD played in
Go to a Daily Show taping
Go to Cooperstown
Tip over a cow
Go to Niagara Falls
Ride my bike through all five boroughs
Hand deliver a love letter to Natalie Portman
Play in a pickup basketball game at Rucker Park
Enter a hot dog eating contest at Coney Island
Run to the top of the Oceanside Dump
Play manhunt in Oil City
Tell off the Board of Directors of the LIRR
Museum hopping with Whitney
Take a picture with the Naked Cowboy in Times Square
Get on tv during the Today Show
Monday, January 23, 2006
Shame(s) on You: Kobe Bryant
Resist the temptation. Hold your tongue. No matter how much you want to please refrain from talking to your co-worker 'Fred' at the water cooler about how awesome Kobe Bryant's performance was last night.
I'm sick and tired of hearing about how great Kobe Bryant is. Even Yinka Dare could score 80 points if he took 46 shots a night. Scoring 81 points, while impressive in of itself, does not compare to Wilt Chamberlain's 100 which was done in an era without three pointers and new rules that make it impossible to guard perimeter players.
Jellybean's son is just taking advantage of new rules in a league desperate to establish players like LeBron James as huge superstars in the post Michael Jordan era. And he's doing it on a team devoit of a second scoring option that allows him to do it. A team that he put together himself when he ran Shaquielle O'Neal out of town.
Which is exactly why I can't stand Bryant. I'm not even going to touch the whole Colorado hotel rape scandal. My disdain isn't even about that. It's about his self promoting nature. The so called ball hog mentality that is ruining today's game. And Bryant is the biggest culprit of all.
Think about it. Bryant lost millions of dollars in sponsorships after the rape scandal. Just now are advertisers slowly starting to knock on his door again. So too is the U.S. Olympic Selection Committee. Could there be a better time to shatter scoring records? 62 points in three quarters. 81 in four. 4 straight games of 40 or more after returning from a 2 game suspension. You name it and Bryant has done it. Convenient timing you say. Me first mentatlity I say.
So Kobe if you're out there, I just want you to know that I see right through you. I know you're ball hogging more than ever right now just to remake your image, just to win back the sponsors, just to win a spot on the Olympic team so that you can be the one to return Team USA to the promised land after a disgraceful performance last time around.
All the posers out there might cheer you now and talk around the water cooler about how unbelievable you are. But I see right through you. You're no Michael Jordan. You're just another Matt Sheilds.
I'm sick and tired of hearing about how great Kobe Bryant is. Even Yinka Dare could score 80 points if he took 46 shots a night. Scoring 81 points, while impressive in of itself, does not compare to Wilt Chamberlain's 100 which was done in an era without three pointers and new rules that make it impossible to guard perimeter players.
Jellybean's son is just taking advantage of new rules in a league desperate to establish players like LeBron James as huge superstars in the post Michael Jordan era. And he's doing it on a team devoit of a second scoring option that allows him to do it. A team that he put together himself when he ran Shaquielle O'Neal out of town.
Which is exactly why I can't stand Bryant. I'm not even going to touch the whole Colorado hotel rape scandal. My disdain isn't even about that. It's about his self promoting nature. The so called ball hog mentality that is ruining today's game. And Bryant is the biggest culprit of all.
Think about it. Bryant lost millions of dollars in sponsorships after the rape scandal. Just now are advertisers slowly starting to knock on his door again. So too is the U.S. Olympic Selection Committee. Could there be a better time to shatter scoring records? 62 points in three quarters. 81 in four. 4 straight games of 40 or more after returning from a 2 game suspension. You name it and Bryant has done it. Convenient timing you say. Me first mentatlity I say.
So Kobe if you're out there, I just want you to know that I see right through you. I know you're ball hogging more than ever right now just to remake your image, just to win back the sponsors, just to win a spot on the Olympic team so that you can be the one to return Team USA to the promised land after a disgraceful performance last time around.
All the posers out there might cheer you now and talk around the water cooler about how unbelievable you are. But I see right through you. You're no Michael Jordan. You're just another Matt Sheilds.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Girlfriend of the Week
As a new feature here on I'm a Headcase I will be selecting a new girl each week as my Girlfriend of the Week. This shouldn't surprise anyone considering that I used to have a new best friend every day.
To start off the feature I'll be spending the first few weeks spotlighting all my favorite girls, the majority of whom just appeared in my top ten list. Up first, is my favorite girl of all, Brittany Snow.
Snow is on the verge of becoming a huge star, so much so, that a crappy Disney movie with Vin Diesel as a babysitter still made a $100 million at the box office just because she was in it. Her next project is a movie called, 'John Tucker Must Die', so be sure to check that out.
Until then just know that B.S. is going to be a huge star and no I'm not bullshitting you.
To start off the feature I'll be spending the first few weeks spotlighting all my favorite girls, the majority of whom just appeared in my top ten list. Up first, is my favorite girl of all, Brittany Snow.
Snow is on the verge of becoming a huge star, so much so, that a crappy Disney movie with Vin Diesel as a babysitter still made a $100 million at the box office just because she was in it. Her next project is a movie called, 'John Tucker Must Die', so be sure to check that out.
Until then just know that B.S. is going to be a huge star and no I'm not bullshitting you.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
How come we always assume that a baby is kicking. Couldn't it be elbowing or head butting?
How does a bald person keep a yamaca from falling off their head?
Dancing with the stars. Skating with the stars. What's next? Trapoline jumping with the stars?
If I was a Miss America contestant and they asked me what world problem I would want to eliminate I would answer dust.
I think I was King Arthur in a previous life.
How come you can take shoes and pants off without unbuckling or untying them but then can't put them back on unless you untie or unbuckle them?
What is it about coming back to your desk and finding paper's on your chair that's so irritating?Am I too old to be eating Animal Crackers?
This just in: Billy Bezouska is gay.
My cousin Pablo from Uruguay had the line of the week when he heard that the power at my aunt's house went out, saying, "no power? What is this? I thought I was in America!"
I don't care what they say. Getting pooped on by a bird is not good luck. To me, that's definitely a sign that you have bad luck.
Has the American Pie franchise fallen so far that the lastest version had to go straight to video?
ESPN's Jay Bilas had another great line when he commented that the Kansas Jayhawks have more guards than Buckingham Palace.
Did you know that you use 5 gallons of water everytime you flush the toilet?
How come we always assume that a baby is kicking. Couldn't it be elbowing or head butting?
How does a bald person keep a yamaca from falling off their head?
Dancing with the stars. Skating with the stars. What's next? Trapoline jumping with the stars?
If I was a Miss America contestant and they asked me what world problem I would want to eliminate I would answer dust.
I think I was King Arthur in a previous life.
How come you can take shoes and pants off without unbuckling or untying them but then can't put them back on unless you untie or unbuckle them?
What is it about coming back to your desk and finding paper's on your chair that's so irritating?Am I too old to be eating Animal Crackers?
This just in: Billy Bezouska is gay.
My cousin Pablo from Uruguay had the line of the week when he heard that the power at my aunt's house went out, saying, "no power? What is this? I thought I was in America!"
I don't care what they say. Getting pooped on by a bird is not good luck. To me, that's definitely a sign that you have bad luck.
Has the American Pie franchise fallen so far that the lastest version had to go straight to video?
ESPN's Jay Bilas had another great line when he commented that the Kansas Jayhawks have more guards than Buckingham Palace.
Did you know that you use 5 gallons of water everytime you flush the toilet?
Friday, January 20, 2006
Fearless Football Predictions: Championship Game Edition
Mike Vanderggrrrhhh ruined my Super Bowl prediction but alas a new day, a new prediction. Here's what I'm thinking with a trip to Detroit on the line:
Carolina over Seattle: Unless you're Eminem, or Kid Rock there's absolutely no reason to go to Detroit in January. The four remaining teams can think of one big reason though and that's a trip to the Super Bowl. The Panthers will get there by taking advantage of Shaun Alexander's concussion and making Matt Hasselbeck beat them. Expect a playoff inexperienced Seahawks team to fold like the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS. Panthers by at least 10.
Steelers over the Broncos: Last week's game was so good that a Pittsburgh man actually suffered a heart attack after Jerome Bettis fumbled on the 1 yard line. This week's game won't be for the feint of heart either with a trip to the Super Bowl on the line. Expect both teams to run, run, run. The Steelers have Big Ben though and that could be the difference against Jake the Snake. If either qb's nickname just made you think of a penis you have a sick mind. If not, I have a sick mind. Either way, Steelers will be starting up the bus to Detroit by riding the Bus in short yardage situations. No word yet on whether or not to expect a smile from Bill Cowher afterwards.
Carolina over Seattle: Unless you're Eminem, or Kid Rock there's absolutely no reason to go to Detroit in January. The four remaining teams can think of one big reason though and that's a trip to the Super Bowl. The Panthers will get there by taking advantage of Shaun Alexander's concussion and making Matt Hasselbeck beat them. Expect a playoff inexperienced Seahawks team to fold like the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS. Panthers by at least 10.
Steelers over the Broncos: Last week's game was so good that a Pittsburgh man actually suffered a heart attack after Jerome Bettis fumbled on the 1 yard line. This week's game won't be for the feint of heart either with a trip to the Super Bowl on the line. Expect both teams to run, run, run. The Steelers have Big Ben though and that could be the difference against Jake the Snake. If either qb's nickname just made you think of a penis you have a sick mind. If not, I have a sick mind. Either way, Steelers will be starting up the bus to Detroit by riding the Bus in short yardage situations. No word yet on whether or not to expect a smile from Bill Cowher afterwards.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Website of the Month
I met several of my sister's friends at her wedding but none nearly as interesting as the man they call Mad Mike. His name is Mike Portnoy and he has a blog too. But unlike me he writes about things you might actually find interesting like food reveiws. It's like Zagat's minus the pages and the Food Network minus the pixels.
Enjoy his thorough critiques at www.mike-portnoy.blogspot.com. And tell him Craig sent you.
Enjoy his thorough critiques at www.mike-portnoy.blogspot.com. And tell him Craig sent you.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
An Eye For Talent
Before there was Keira Knightly, the hottest young actress in Hollywood, there was me staying behind in the movie theatre after watching Pirates of the Caribbean to check out who played Elizabeth Swan in the credits.
Before Ryan Dunn had his own show on MTV there was me watching Viva La Bam and commenting, 'when's Dunn gotta get his own show?" And long before Dave Chappelle was a household name there was me watching David Chappelle at Northeastern wondering how come he hadn't blown up nationwide yet.
In fact, from knowing that Heather Rauch was going to be hot to calling Brian Robert's career year I have an eye for talent that is unparalleled. Here's who my crystal ball says will blow up in 2k6. Just remember that you heard it here first:
1. WWE Wrestler Edge - I wanted to come out with this post right after New Years but my trip to Florida and my sister's wedding postponed the plans. As such, there's no proof that I legimitaley called Edge, real name Adam Copeland, would blow up this year. But knowing that I did, I'll lead off my list with the man who surprisingly won the World Heavyweight Title last week and should have a huge year as one of the WWE's top stars.
2. The Real World's Landon - It might not happen in 2006 but I have a feeling that Landon like several other Real Worlders before him could launch a successful solo Hollywood career. He won't appear on the Surreal Life like Trishelle or in Playboy like Cara. Rather I see him as the lead guy on a dating show like the Bachelor.
3. My two favorite girls - I think this could be the year that either Brittany Snow or Kristen Bell strike it big on the big screen. Snow was already seen in last summer's hit, "The Pacifier", so she has a head start on Bell but don't be surprised to see the Veronica Mars star become one herself soon enough.
4. Young MTV Talent - It seems like MTV is the new pipeline for young talent to develop their ideas. It's worked for Ashton Kutcher and the next wave of young stars to headline their own shows, with some already in the works or on the air, are Nick Cannon, Ryan Cabrera, and Laguna Beach's Kristin Cavalleri.
5. Wide World of Sports - With the Olympics coming up soon you just know that there will be a few names to emerge and wind up on the cover of Wheaties boxes. I'll reveal those in my Winter Olympics preview. Until then just remember names like Rich Harden and Brett Myers in baseball, Adam Morrison in college basketball, and DeAngelo Williams from Memphis come next football season.
Well there you have it. A whose who of future stars in 2006 and beyond. Just wondernig if it's too early to call Emma Watson and Dakota Fanning?
Before Ryan Dunn had his own show on MTV there was me watching Viva La Bam and commenting, 'when's Dunn gotta get his own show?" And long before Dave Chappelle was a household name there was me watching David Chappelle at Northeastern wondering how come he hadn't blown up nationwide yet.
In fact, from knowing that Heather Rauch was going to be hot to calling Brian Robert's career year I have an eye for talent that is unparalleled. Here's who my crystal ball says will blow up in 2k6. Just remember that you heard it here first:
1. WWE Wrestler Edge - I wanted to come out with this post right after New Years but my trip to Florida and my sister's wedding postponed the plans. As such, there's no proof that I legimitaley called Edge, real name Adam Copeland, would blow up this year. But knowing that I did, I'll lead off my list with the man who surprisingly won the World Heavyweight Title last week and should have a huge year as one of the WWE's top stars.
2. The Real World's Landon - It might not happen in 2006 but I have a feeling that Landon like several other Real Worlders before him could launch a successful solo Hollywood career. He won't appear on the Surreal Life like Trishelle or in Playboy like Cara. Rather I see him as the lead guy on a dating show like the Bachelor.
3. My two favorite girls - I think this could be the year that either Brittany Snow or Kristen Bell strike it big on the big screen. Snow was already seen in last summer's hit, "The Pacifier", so she has a head start on Bell but don't be surprised to see the Veronica Mars star become one herself soon enough.
4. Young MTV Talent - It seems like MTV is the new pipeline for young talent to develop their ideas. It's worked for Ashton Kutcher and the next wave of young stars to headline their own shows, with some already in the works or on the air, are Nick Cannon, Ryan Cabrera, and Laguna Beach's Kristin Cavalleri.
5. Wide World of Sports - With the Olympics coming up soon you just know that there will be a few names to emerge and wind up on the cover of Wheaties boxes. I'll reveal those in my Winter Olympics preview. Until then just remember names like Rich Harden and Brett Myers in baseball, Adam Morrison in college basketball, and DeAngelo Williams from Memphis come next football season.
Well there you have it. A whose who of future stars in 2006 and beyond. Just wondernig if it's too early to call Emma Watson and Dakota Fanning?
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
2006 To Do List
Here's a look at what I hope to accomplish in 2k6 even though I'm probably just going to post a list containing all the same things 11 months from now entitled, "what I wanted to accomplish in 2006 but didn't":
A trip to Vancounver to visit Pable and Laura
A trip to Uruguay
A trip to California
A trip to Vegas
A trip to Europe
A trip to anywhere not on the East Coast of the U.S.
Land a teaching job
Move somewhere but most likely to Florida
Go white water rafting
Go camping
Go to every major league baseball team's spring training facility and watch a game
Watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2 at least ten times in the theatres
Buy a CD
Join a historical society or book club
Find an alcoholic beverage other than a screw driver to drink
Continue to fuck shit up with Malfy
Play a whole lotta craps
Actually go to the gym
A trip to Vancounver to visit Pable and Laura
A trip to Uruguay
A trip to California
A trip to Vegas
A trip to Europe
A trip to anywhere not on the East Coast of the U.S.
Land a teaching job
Move somewhere but most likely to Florida
Go white water rafting
Go camping
Go to every major league baseball team's spring training facility and watch a game
Watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2 at least ten times in the theatres
Buy a CD
Join a historical society or book club
Find an alcoholic beverage other than a screw driver to drink
Continue to fuck shit up with Malfy
Play a whole lotta craps
Actually go to the gym
Monday, January 16, 2006
More Random Wedding Thoughts
A day later and I still can't get over how well my sister's wedding went this past weekend. Everybody had a great time and the staff at the Crescent Beach Club did a great job. I highly recommend them to anybody looking to book a wedding on Long Island. Since I'm still so hyped up from the wedding I thought it would be appropriate to spend another day blogging about it.
First of all, I loved how Melanie and Dan's two worlds collided and everybody got along even combinations you never would have imagined in a million years doing so. I used to worry about how my friends would get along when my worlds would collide but after seeing how it all played out this weekend I no longer have to worry about that. After all, if one of Dan's groomsmen can get along with my cousin from Uruguay then I think someone from Northeastern can get along with someone from Baldwin.
I also want to add new fuel to the who has it worse, men or women, fire. Clearly most people, even men, would agree that women with the fact that they have to pay $35 for a haircut and get to enjoy nine months of child labor have it worse. But I have to say that after standing through a wedding ceremony in a tuxedo 5 layers deep while the bridesmaids were comfortable wearing strapless dresses, that men, at least in terms of body temperature during black tie events have it worse.
Lastly, I just wanted to throw out a few crazy wedding ideas that I have. Let me know what you think about these:
An affair without a sit down dinner. Essentially a four hour cocktail hour so that people can sit whereever they want, get up and move freely, and instead of having to select just one main course meal can instead enjoy various ethnic stations from all over the world throughout the whole night. Would also save the bride and groom a headache from having to come up with a seating chart.
A karoake wedding. No band, just a karoake machine and all your guest providing the entertainment throughout the night.
A winter wedding outdoors, at least for the cocktail hour, made possible through the use of heat lamps.
And as I mentioned in my Week In Review column on Saturday a groomal shower and manregistry. Why let the bride have all the fun. It's time to let the groom get some things for the house that he wants. Who needs 7 toaster ovens when you can get a power saw?
First of all, I loved how Melanie and Dan's two worlds collided and everybody got along even combinations you never would have imagined in a million years doing so. I used to worry about how my friends would get along when my worlds would collide but after seeing how it all played out this weekend I no longer have to worry about that. After all, if one of Dan's groomsmen can get along with my cousin from Uruguay then I think someone from Northeastern can get along with someone from Baldwin.
I also want to add new fuel to the who has it worse, men or women, fire. Clearly most people, even men, would agree that women with the fact that they have to pay $35 for a haircut and get to enjoy nine months of child labor have it worse. But I have to say that after standing through a wedding ceremony in a tuxedo 5 layers deep while the bridesmaids were comfortable wearing strapless dresses, that men, at least in terms of body temperature during black tie events have it worse.
Lastly, I just wanted to throw out a few crazy wedding ideas that I have. Let me know what you think about these:
An affair without a sit down dinner. Essentially a four hour cocktail hour so that people can sit whereever they want, get up and move freely, and instead of having to select just one main course meal can instead enjoy various ethnic stations from all over the world throughout the whole night. Would also save the bride and groom a headache from having to come up with a seating chart.
A karoake wedding. No band, just a karoake machine and all your guest providing the entertainment throughout the night.
A winter wedding outdoors, at least for the cocktail hour, made possible through the use of heat lamps.
And as I mentioned in my Week In Review column on Saturday a groomal shower and manregistry. Why let the bride have all the fun. It's time to let the groom get some things for the house that he wants. Who needs 7 toaster ovens when you can get a power saw?
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Just Married
And no I'm not talking about that really bad movie with Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy. I'm talking about my sister's wedding this weekend! It was such a wonderful winter wonderland wedding that words cannot even express how great it was. It far exceeded my expectations. The whole time went by so fast that I don't even remember half of it. But I do remember enough to fill you all in on my favorite moments:
The hotel we stayed at was a converted mansion. It had every and I mean every possible entertainment amenity you could imagine. Just to name a few there was a bar, billiards, darts, shuffleboard, foosball, bowling, racquetball, ping pong, an indoor pool, a whirlpool, sauna, massage parlor, workout rooms, hiking trails, and a patridge on a pear tree.
The best part about the hotel though was that they put out a complimentary snack spread in their waiting room complete with unlimited, all you can eat giant soft pretzels. I was in heaven.
The highlight of the pre-wedding running around was when we went to get fitted for tuxedo's on Friday at Victor Talbots. It turns out that this store was used to film that scene in Meet the Parents where Ben Stiller and Robert DiNero go to get their tuxedos and first talk about the circle of trust. Considering that Meet the Parents is one of my favorite movies it was surreal to be standing in the same store that the movie was filmed in.
At the rehearsal dinner on Friday night I gave a toast with a few stories about my sister. My favorite one was when I explained how we used to play legos together and in the same time that it took me to build a wall she had built an entire lego city complete with running water and a written constitution.
The wedding itself was the best one I've ever gone to. There was a string quartet during the ceremony, a saxophone player who played right on the dance floor in between guests, a slide show, and a great dj who played all the right songs. It was so good that I forgot that I don't like to dance.
The funniest part of the night had to have been when my mom's boss opened up the door to the outside deck and a huge gust of wind blew in and knocked all the napkins off one of the tables and onto the dance floor.
My cousin Tommy stole the show at the end of the night when he pulled off a flawless version of the worm.
You gotta appreciate the little things in life. That's why I thought the fact that my sister had my mom wrap her own gift without even knowing it on Thursday night was priceless.
My most embarassing moment of the weekend was when I was playing ping pong against one of Dan's best men and I lunged for the ball and split my pants right down the middle.
The hotel we stayed at was a converted mansion. It had every and I mean every possible entertainment amenity you could imagine. Just to name a few there was a bar, billiards, darts, shuffleboard, foosball, bowling, racquetball, ping pong, an indoor pool, a whirlpool, sauna, massage parlor, workout rooms, hiking trails, and a patridge on a pear tree.
The best part about the hotel though was that they put out a complimentary snack spread in their waiting room complete with unlimited, all you can eat giant soft pretzels. I was in heaven.
The highlight of the pre-wedding running around was when we went to get fitted for tuxedo's on Friday at Victor Talbots. It turns out that this store was used to film that scene in Meet the Parents where Ben Stiller and Robert DiNero go to get their tuxedos and first talk about the circle of trust. Considering that Meet the Parents is one of my favorite movies it was surreal to be standing in the same store that the movie was filmed in.
At the rehearsal dinner on Friday night I gave a toast with a few stories about my sister. My favorite one was when I explained how we used to play legos together and in the same time that it took me to build a wall she had built an entire lego city complete with running water and a written constitution.
The wedding itself was the best one I've ever gone to. There was a string quartet during the ceremony, a saxophone player who played right on the dance floor in between guests, a slide show, and a great dj who played all the right songs. It was so good that I forgot that I don't like to dance.
The funniest part of the night had to have been when my mom's boss opened up the door to the outside deck and a huge gust of wind blew in and knocked all the napkins off one of the tables and onto the dance floor.
My cousin Tommy stole the show at the end of the night when he pulled off a flawless version of the worm.
You gotta appreciate the little things in life. That's why I thought the fact that my sister had my mom wrap her own gift without even knowing it on Thursday night was priceless.
My most embarassing moment of the weekend was when I was playing ping pong against one of Dan's best men and I lunged for the ball and split my pants right down the middle.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
I'm kind of upset that I never had an imaginary friend. I think we would have gotten along great.
I hate that guys have to give up their coats to girls. We were smart enough to bring one and yet we get punished and have to walk around freezing our asses off while the girl is all warm even though she forgot her coat!
I don't consider myself lucky when I find money. Quite the opposite actually. I feel that any money you spend that you didn't earn is cursed and will just bring you bad luck. That's why when I find money I use it to buy someone else something.
How come there's no such thing as a groomal shower or a registry for the groom? A manregistry if you will. I mean, how cool would it be if you could register at Modell's instead of Fortunoff's?
Golf would actually be watchable if you could heckle.
There's a new Dove chocolate bar that just hit the market. I wonder if that means you can now wash your mouth out with chocolate?
What's with the un craze? You know how every movie when it comes out on DVD is now either unrated or uncorked or unleashed. What was wrong with just saying it's unedited?
Whose idea was it to run a 'Do Wendys' ad campaign? Dave Thomas must be rolling over in his grave.
I love riding alongside another subway car. I feel like I'm on a pirate ship and everyone's out on deck staring the other ship down just before the cannons start blazing.
I'm kind of upset that I never had an imaginary friend. I think we would have gotten along great.
I hate that guys have to give up their coats to girls. We were smart enough to bring one and yet we get punished and have to walk around freezing our asses off while the girl is all warm even though she forgot her coat!
I don't consider myself lucky when I find money. Quite the opposite actually. I feel that any money you spend that you didn't earn is cursed and will just bring you bad luck. That's why when I find money I use it to buy someone else something.
How come there's no such thing as a groomal shower or a registry for the groom? A manregistry if you will. I mean, how cool would it be if you could register at Modell's instead of Fortunoff's?
Golf would actually be watchable if you could heckle.
There's a new Dove chocolate bar that just hit the market. I wonder if that means you can now wash your mouth out with chocolate?
What's with the un craze? You know how every movie when it comes out on DVD is now either unrated or uncorked or unleashed. What was wrong with just saying it's unedited?
Whose idea was it to run a 'Do Wendys' ad campaign? Dave Thomas must be rolling over in his grave.
I love riding alongside another subway car. I feel like I'm on a pirate ship and everyone's out on deck staring the other ship down just before the cannons start blazing.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Fearless Football Predictions: Playoff Edition
Perfect in the playoffs so far, here's what I'm thinking:
Patriots over the Broncos: The Patriots are hotter right now than Kanye West's political career and that spells trouble for the physical but playoff untest and not even that talented to begin with, Broncos. Come Saturday it will be the Broncos riding into the sunset like another Bronco, that infamous one driven by OJ Simpson. If for no other reason than because the game falls on Saturday night, during my sister's wedding, and I think it will be fitting for the Patriots to win since the groom is a big Patriots fan.
Seattle over Washington: I liked Washington up until this point but they suffered some key injuries last week and I just can't pick a team led by Mark Brunell to go very far in the playoffs. Especially not after last week's brutal offensive showing. Clinton Portis will have a big game but Shaun Alexander will have a huge game and the Seahawks will win rather easily.
Colts over the Steelers: The Colts played all year to get home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Now they have it and the inspiration of trying to win for Tony Dungy so this one was a no brainer to pick.
Carolina over Chicago: Da Bears were da story of the year but the Panthers looked like World Beaters against the Giants and were preseason favorites to win the NFC so it's not like it would be much of an upset here.
Patriots over the Broncos: The Patriots are hotter right now than Kanye West's political career and that spells trouble for the physical but playoff untest and not even that talented to begin with, Broncos. Come Saturday it will be the Broncos riding into the sunset like another Bronco, that infamous one driven by OJ Simpson. If for no other reason than because the game falls on Saturday night, during my sister's wedding, and I think it will be fitting for the Patriots to win since the groom is a big Patriots fan.
Seattle over Washington: I liked Washington up until this point but they suffered some key injuries last week and I just can't pick a team led by Mark Brunell to go very far in the playoffs. Especially not after last week's brutal offensive showing. Clinton Portis will have a big game but Shaun Alexander will have a huge game and the Seahawks will win rather easily.
Colts over the Steelers: The Colts played all year to get home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Now they have it and the inspiration of trying to win for Tony Dungy so this one was a no brainer to pick.
Carolina over Chicago: Da Bears were da story of the year but the Panthers looked like World Beaters against the Giants and were preseason favorites to win the NFC so it's not like it would be much of an upset here.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
I'll Never Figure Me Out
The phrase 'You'll Never Figure Me Out', which I picked up after it was on a t-shirt that Leigh gave me, used to be the working title for the novel of my life. But now I'm thinking about changing it to 'I'll Never Figure Me Out'.
That's because my exasberating comments, ass backwards logic, and annoyingly over the top conjecture no longer confuses the few people with enough patience to even tolerate a conversation with me. It now confuses even me.
Case in point: my inner turmoil on trying to decide whether or not to move to Florida. I was all set to make the move, even looking forward to it, until that is, I went down there to check out my new life. The reality of actually seeing the area in which I'll be living and even more so the actual condo painted a picture for me that exceeded the image I had in my head of what I was expecting.
Actually setting the idea in motion has kicked off a change of emotions that are still sprialing out of control. Which is why I can't even figure myself out anymore. How I can be this unsure of myself, this willing to throw away something that I've looked forward to for so long is beyond comprehension. It's like there's a self destruction button that I hit every time something good is about to happen to me. That's the same button I pushed before I would have been commisioned as an Army officer.
And that's something that I need to work on. Even more than cutting down on the amount of money I spend per week on breakfast, lunch, and snacks at work. Which is bordering on $50 a week I'd say. Largely in part because food is comforting. And right now I need a lot of comfort.
That's because my exasberating comments, ass backwards logic, and annoyingly over the top conjecture no longer confuses the few people with enough patience to even tolerate a conversation with me. It now confuses even me.
Case in point: my inner turmoil on trying to decide whether or not to move to Florida. I was all set to make the move, even looking forward to it, until that is, I went down there to check out my new life. The reality of actually seeing the area in which I'll be living and even more so the actual condo painted a picture for me that exceeded the image I had in my head of what I was expecting.
Actually setting the idea in motion has kicked off a change of emotions that are still sprialing out of control. Which is why I can't even figure myself out anymore. How I can be this unsure of myself, this willing to throw away something that I've looked forward to for so long is beyond comprehension. It's like there's a self destruction button that I hit every time something good is about to happen to me. That's the same button I pushed before I would have been commisioned as an Army officer.
And that's something that I need to work on. Even more than cutting down on the amount of money I spend per week on breakfast, lunch, and snacks at work. Which is bordering on $50 a week I'd say. Largely in part because food is comforting. And right now I need a lot of comfort.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
2005 Fantasy Football Review
I would be remiss to refer to myself as a fantasy god if I never proved how good I was. As such, here's a look at my 2005 fantasy football performance. The results speak for themselves.
Standings:
1st - 7
2nd - 5
3rd - 2
4th - 1
5th - 1
6th - 1
Total # of leagues: 17
Top 3 finishes: 14
Damn, I'm Good.
Individual player predictions:
QBs I got right: Carson Palmer, Eli Manning
That I got wrong: David Carr, Joey Harrington, Aaron Brooks
Rbs I got right: Clinton Portis, Cadillac Williams
That I got wrong: Larry Johnson, Jamal Lewis
Wrs I got right: None - no one saw Santana Moss or Steve Smith coming
That I got wrong: Roy Williams, Lee Evans
Tes I got right: LJ Smith, Heath Miller
That I got wrong: Randy McMichael, Daniel Graham
On the other hand since the Minnesota Vikings won't be in the Super Bowl and the Patriots didn't go undefeated my actual NFL predictions didn't fare so well. To get a good laugh though you can check those out here: http://imaheadcase.blogspot.com/2005/09/nfl-preview-2k5.html
Standings:
1st - 7
2nd - 5
3rd - 2
4th - 1
5th - 1
6th - 1
Total # of leagues: 17
Top 3 finishes: 14
Damn, I'm Good.
Individual player predictions:
QBs I got right: Carson Palmer, Eli Manning
That I got wrong: David Carr, Joey Harrington, Aaron Brooks
Rbs I got right: Clinton Portis, Cadillac Williams
That I got wrong: Larry Johnson, Jamal Lewis
Wrs I got right: None - no one saw Santana Moss or Steve Smith coming
That I got wrong: Roy Williams, Lee Evans
Tes I got right: LJ Smith, Heath Miller
That I got wrong: Randy McMichael, Daniel Graham
On the other hand since the Minnesota Vikings won't be in the Super Bowl and the Patriots didn't go undefeated my actual NFL predictions didn't fare so well. To get a good laugh though you can check those out here: http://imaheadcase.blogspot.com/2005/09/nfl-preview-2k5.html
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
2006 Preview
Who needs Notradamus when you have the Great Shamatricus. Here's a look ahead to 2k6 through the crystal ball that is the Shames-o-matic prediction meter:
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will break up, get back together, break up again, and then get back together again.
Maddox Jolie will become a household name and will be given his own talk show on Sirius Satellite Radio to target the heavily sought after kindergarten demographic.
The Yankees will win the World Series.
My sister will get married and the Patriots will beat the Broncos that night to ensure a happy ceremony.
I will announce that there's no chance in hell that I'm moving to Florida, then threaten to join a monastery in Tibet, before moving to Florida as planned.
I will lose a bet where I have to shave my chest hair but then back out and keep my chest hair.
It will be 75 degrees in December and 25 in July.
Another Paris Hilton sex tape will be released, this time featuring lesbian make up sex with Nicole Richie.
Samuel L. Jackson will appear in 27 more films.
Salvo will gamble more than Pete Rose during baseball season.
The best selling book of 2006 will be the Lost tie in that gets released just as the castaways find it's manuscript during a future episode.
The DaVinci Code will shatter all box office records.
Pirates of the Caribbean 2 will become my new favorite movie.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will break up, get back together, break up again, and then get back together again.
Maddox Jolie will become a household name and will be given his own talk show on Sirius Satellite Radio to target the heavily sought after kindergarten demographic.
The Yankees will win the World Series.
My sister will get married and the Patriots will beat the Broncos that night to ensure a happy ceremony.
I will announce that there's no chance in hell that I'm moving to Florida, then threaten to join a monastery in Tibet, before moving to Florida as planned.
I will lose a bet where I have to shave my chest hair but then back out and keep my chest hair.
It will be 75 degrees in December and 25 in July.
Another Paris Hilton sex tape will be released, this time featuring lesbian make up sex with Nicole Richie.
Samuel L. Jackson will appear in 27 more films.
Salvo will gamble more than Pete Rose during baseball season.
The best selling book of 2006 will be the Lost tie in that gets released just as the castaways find it's manuscript during a future episode.
The DaVinci Code will shatter all box office records.
Pirates of the Caribbean 2 will become my new favorite movie.
Monday, January 09, 2006
2005 Year In Review
Hey, guess what? I finally had a perfect week of football picks! A little bit late and albeit in only four games but nonetheless my first perfect week. As I rejoice and do my happy dance here's a belated look back at 2005 through my cynical tunnel vision:
January: I find twenty dollars on the dance floor at a New Year's Eve party and thought that for sure this was a sign that 2k5 was going to be the Year of Shames. Instead of symbolism I get cruel irony.
February: Not wanting to spend Valentine's Day alone I go on a blind Jdate to a coffee shop. I now know why they call them blind dates. It's because the girl you're with is so ugly you go blind.
March: I come off of probation at work and celebrate by running an illegal NCAA tournament pool from my desk. (Not true but sounds good so let's pretend.)
April: Baseball season starts; I draft 24 fantasy baseball teams.
May: I finally attend graduation at Northeastern University; pretend to be Harry Potter while wearing my black gown.
June: Blog is born. Life changes forever.
July: USA celebrates birthday. I celebrate unemployment checks.
August: I go to the beach where I am mistaken for a polar bear that just escaped from the zoo.
September: Well, I can't really remember what happened in September. I must have been drunk for 30 straight days. Yeah, right.
October: I give up only 2 hits and still manage to blow a 5 run lead in the bottom of the 7th inning of the softball playoffs by walking 7 people.
November: I enter therapy to help cope with softball night terrors and witness protection program to get away from unruly softball hecklers.
December: I decide to move to Florida; hope that 2k6 treats me better.
*Coming tomorrow: 2006 Preview
January: I find twenty dollars on the dance floor at a New Year's Eve party and thought that for sure this was a sign that 2k5 was going to be the Year of Shames. Instead of symbolism I get cruel irony.
February: Not wanting to spend Valentine's Day alone I go on a blind Jdate to a coffee shop. I now know why they call them blind dates. It's because the girl you're with is so ugly you go blind.
March: I come off of probation at work and celebrate by running an illegal NCAA tournament pool from my desk. (Not true but sounds good so let's pretend.)
April: Baseball season starts; I draft 24 fantasy baseball teams.
May: I finally attend graduation at Northeastern University; pretend to be Harry Potter while wearing my black gown.
June: Blog is born. Life changes forever.
July: USA celebrates birthday. I celebrate unemployment checks.
August: I go to the beach where I am mistaken for a polar bear that just escaped from the zoo.
September: Well, I can't really remember what happened in September. I must have been drunk for 30 straight days. Yeah, right.
October: I give up only 2 hits and still manage to blow a 5 run lead in the bottom of the 7th inning of the softball playoffs by walking 7 people.
November: I enter therapy to help cope with softball night terrors and witness protection program to get away from unruly softball hecklers.
December: I decide to move to Florida; hope that 2k6 treats me better.
*Coming tomorrow: 2006 Preview
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
Flying on Song with their over the top attempts at making you feel relaxed made me feel like I was in a movie like Vanilla Sky or Total Recall where I was flying a futuristic airline. The only thing missing was a tablet sized meal.
Cousin Robert says: The future is a promisory note, the past is a cancelled check, and the present is cash.
I've got to be the only person who goes to a warm weather locale and catches a cold.
I've done so much Sodoku lately that now everytime I go to the bathroom and see a tiled floor I can't help but think about it.
Why is it that there's only turbulence when you're in the lavatory?
Whoever said that the lottery is a tax on the poor has the line of the week.
Do you think the porn industry was rooting for the USC Trojans to win the National Title?
How did Rachel McAdams and Sienna Miller not make my top ten list?
Why do we still lock the bathroom door when we're home alone?
I think there's something addictive about potato chips. Whenever I eat them I get hungrier. It's like they want you to get hungrier so you'll eat more of them and have to buy more of them.
Flying on Song with their over the top attempts at making you feel relaxed made me feel like I was in a movie like Vanilla Sky or Total Recall where I was flying a futuristic airline. The only thing missing was a tablet sized meal.
Cousin Robert says: The future is a promisory note, the past is a cancelled check, and the present is cash.
I've got to be the only person who goes to a warm weather locale and catches a cold.
I've done so much Sodoku lately that now everytime I go to the bathroom and see a tiled floor I can't help but think about it.
Why is it that there's only turbulence when you're in the lavatory?
Whoever said that the lottery is a tax on the poor has the line of the week.
Do you think the porn industry was rooting for the USC Trojans to win the National Title?
How did Rachel McAdams and Sienna Miller not make my top ten list?
Why do we still lock the bathroom door when we're home alone?
I think there's something addictive about potato chips. Whenever I eat them I get hungrier. It's like they want you to get hungrier so you'll eat more of them and have to buy more of them.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Friday, January 06, 2006
Fearless Football Predictions: Playoff Edition
I won't say yet who I'm picking to win it all since chances are that they'll be eliminated this weekend just because I picked them. Instead I'll wait until the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl. Until then here's what I'm thinking:
Steelers over the Bengals: Earlier in the year I liked the idea of the Steelers beating the young Bengals and then having the Bengals come back and return the favor in the playoffs Mighty Ducks style. However, with the Steelers hotter than, um, steel I like Pittsburgh.
New England over Jacksonville: Whether it's Bryon Leftwich, David Gerrard or Johnny Unitas doesn't matter. What matters is that the Patriots are clicking at the right time and should battle the Colts in the AFC Championship Game.
Washington over Tampa Bay: The Bucs stop here as the impressive run of Cadillac Williams and Chris Simms comes to an end. But don't worry Bucaneer fans, your team will be dominant in a few more years.
Carolina over the Giants: Teams with young QB's (See Bay, Tampa) aren't going to fare well this year. Especially in the Giants case if TE Jeremy Shockey and LB Antonio Pierce don't play. Combine that with a hungry Panthers team that could make the Super Bowl and it won't be easy for the G Men.
Steelers over the Bengals: Earlier in the year I liked the idea of the Steelers beating the young Bengals and then having the Bengals come back and return the favor in the playoffs Mighty Ducks style. However, with the Steelers hotter than, um, steel I like Pittsburgh.
New England over Jacksonville: Whether it's Bryon Leftwich, David Gerrard or Johnny Unitas doesn't matter. What matters is that the Patriots are clicking at the right time and should battle the Colts in the AFC Championship Game.
Washington over Tampa Bay: The Bucs stop here as the impressive run of Cadillac Williams and Chris Simms comes to an end. But don't worry Bucaneer fans, your team will be dominant in a few more years.
Carolina over the Giants: Teams with young QB's (See Bay, Tampa) aren't going to fare well this year. Especially in the Giants case if TE Jeremy Shockey and LB Antonio Pierce don't play. Combine that with a hungry Panthers team that could make the Super Bowl and it won't be easy for the G Men.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Off To Florida, Part 4
Coming to you from poolside where I just noticed that when sitting down my stomach looks like the volcano you made for your sixth grade science project. All that's missing is something to ooze out of my belly button. For now the lint that makes its home there will have to suffice.
As our trip winds down we plan on taking it easy tonight and taking a trip to see my new apartment. This after going into Boca last night to hit up a bar and watch the USC-Texas game. A game that USC was supposed to win but lost on a night that was supposed to be ladies night but was instead a sausage fest. (A term that Melanie's never even heard before!)
Speaking of Melanie she slipped and fell into the hot tub in what was just one of the many now infamous Shames Shenanigans that have happened throughout the trip. In addition to that incident I also went swimming with the car keys in my bathing suit pocket and later went in with money in them as well on two separate occasions. Combine that with the time I broke the water cooler by trying to carry it with one hand and the fact that I left my toothbrush at home and it's a miracle that we haven't locked ourselves out of our room yet. But I'm sure it's only a matter of time before that happens too.
As our trip winds down we plan on taking it easy tonight and taking a trip to see my new apartment. This after going into Boca last night to hit up a bar and watch the USC-Texas game. A game that USC was supposed to win but lost on a night that was supposed to be ladies night but was instead a sausage fest. (A term that Melanie's never even heard before!)
Speaking of Melanie she slipped and fell into the hot tub in what was just one of the many now infamous Shames Shenanigans that have happened throughout the trip. In addition to that incident I also went swimming with the car keys in my bathing suit pocket and later went in with money in them as well on two separate occasions. Combine that with the time I broke the water cooler by trying to carry it with one hand and the fact that I left my toothbrush at home and it's a miracle that we haven't locked ourselves out of our room yet. But I'm sure it's only a matter of time before that happens too.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Off To Florida, Part 3
Coming to you once again from South Florida where people drive like they're in neutral going through a car wash and the lizard to person ratio is 2:1.
After tearing up Delray Beach last night on our non stop tour of eastern seaboard beach towns we'll be heading over to Fort Lauderdale today to go on the intercoastal waterway via water taxi and do some shopping. We're even thinking about going to a pet store to play with dogs which just goes to show how much I've changed since the days of Patches and my vow to never like dogs.
Later tonight we'll be hitting up Boca to watch the college football national championship game which USC will win according to the Shames-o-matic prediction meter. The bar we are going to is having ladies night with 2 for 1 drinks which means I'll be able to find me a nice, rich boca girl who'll bankrupt me on the first date.
Now if you'll excuse me it's time to go work on my tan.
After tearing up Delray Beach last night on our non stop tour of eastern seaboard beach towns we'll be heading over to Fort Lauderdale today to go on the intercoastal waterway via water taxi and do some shopping. We're even thinking about going to a pet store to play with dogs which just goes to show how much I've changed since the days of Patches and my vow to never like dogs.
Later tonight we'll be hitting up Boca to watch the college football national championship game which USC will win according to the Shames-o-matic prediction meter. The bar we are going to is having ladies night with 2 for 1 drinks which means I'll be able to find me a nice, rich boca girl who'll bankrupt me on the first date.
Now if you'll excuse me it's time to go work on my tan.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Off To Florida, Part 2
Coming to you from Lake Worth, FL where every male over 50 looks like Popeye and every one under 25 looks like an extra in a Little Jeezy video. Where every female over 50 has a tattoo that they shouldn't have gotten and every one under 15 looks like they could be in college. Where no one has any shame, not the birds who swoop in and steal food right off your plate nor creepy old men who not only check out younger girls they even bring binoculars to the beach!
It's a place where people go to retire until they experience their first hurricane and go off instead to Arizona. It's a mix of locals and tourists and feels like Cuba and an American oasis all at the same time. And for the next week it's home.
Which is more than okay with me especially after hearing word of a Nor'easter in New England this week. While everyone back home is shovelling, I'll be shuffle boarding. While everyone else is running inside to get away from the rain, I'll be running on the beach. While everyone else is layering up to go outside I'll be eating seven layer cake. Maybe that last one was a stretch but you get the point.
Now if you'll excuse me it's time to go in the hot tub.
It's a place where people go to retire until they experience their first hurricane and go off instead to Arizona. It's a mix of locals and tourists and feels like Cuba and an American oasis all at the same time. And for the next week it's home.
Which is more than okay with me especially after hearing word of a Nor'easter in New England this week. While everyone back home is shovelling, I'll be shuffle boarding. While everyone else is running inside to get away from the rain, I'll be running on the beach. While everyone else is layering up to go outside I'll be eating seven layer cake. Maybe that last one was a stretch but you get the point.
Now if you'll excuse me it's time to go in the hot tub.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Off To Florida
After a 2005 in which my biggest highlight was getting fired for writing a list of jokes, I hope that 2006 treats me better. And with a pending move to Florida and a new career as a teacher awaiting me it just might.
To kick off the new year I'm heading with my sister to the sunshine state for some family and fun. Could it be a sign of things to come that I'll be spending the first week of the new year in my future home to be?
We'll see. But until then it's time for a week of rest and relaxation before my sister's wedding. A week that could see my first trip to Key West and the Hard Rock Casino as well as a scouting trip to my new crib.
I can't wait.
Now if you'll excuse me I have a plane to catch.
To kick off the new year I'm heading with my sister to the sunshine state for some family and fun. Could it be a sign of things to come that I'll be spending the first week of the new year in my future home to be?
We'll see. But until then it's time for a week of rest and relaxation before my sister's wedding. A week that could see my first trip to Key West and the Hard Rock Casino as well as a scouting trip to my new crib.
I can't wait.
Now if you'll excuse me I have a plane to catch.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
If I went on the show 'Next' it would last 30 seconds not 30 minutes.
Best name for a Long Island sports team ever: The Strong Island Sound.
This girl Melissa that I work with had one of the lines of the week when talking to another co-worker she said, "You eat like you have five assholes." The best part about that was that she said in front of his boss.
My sister had another of the lines of the week when she was out to dinner in a Japanese restaurant and her food came out before everyone elses and she said,"it's okay I can wait. It's not like it's going to get cold."
Why don't stores take merchandise back even if you didn't buy it there? If it's something they carry they should take it back since it's something that they could easily resell.
I hate people who say no when you ask them a question just because they think it's funny to bust your chops. That's not funny. It's lame.
I still don't understand why people like to wear ties. They take too long to put on and cut off your circulation. I guess to some people there's an appeal to having something dangle from their necks. Which got me thinking that maybe people are really cats.
Do you know anybody that just looks guilty. They can't help it and they're probably a really nice person but for whatever reason they just have one of those mugs that makes them look like a criminall. Like if they were on trial they were be found guilty just by the way they looked. I feel bad for those people.
I'm still waiting for Johnson and Johnson to come out with a man powder so I can stop using baby powder.
Is the fact that the Earth revolved around the Sun really something worth celebrating? Should we also throw a party every day just because the Earth revolved on it's axis 360 degress and we made it through to another day?
I think I walked under a ladder five years ago. How else could I have gone five years without a girlfriend?
If I went on the show 'Next' it would last 30 seconds not 30 minutes.
Best name for a Long Island sports team ever: The Strong Island Sound.
This girl Melissa that I work with had one of the lines of the week when talking to another co-worker she said, "You eat like you have five assholes." The best part about that was that she said in front of his boss.
My sister had another of the lines of the week when she was out to dinner in a Japanese restaurant and her food came out before everyone elses and she said,"it's okay I can wait. It's not like it's going to get cold."
Why don't stores take merchandise back even if you didn't buy it there? If it's something they carry they should take it back since it's something that they could easily resell.
I hate people who say no when you ask them a question just because they think it's funny to bust your chops. That's not funny. It's lame.
I still don't understand why people like to wear ties. They take too long to put on and cut off your circulation. I guess to some people there's an appeal to having something dangle from their necks. Which got me thinking that maybe people are really cats.
Do you know anybody that just looks guilty. They can't help it and they're probably a really nice person but for whatever reason they just have one of those mugs that makes them look like a criminall. Like if they were on trial they were be found guilty just by the way they looked. I feel bad for those people.
I'm still waiting for Johnson and Johnson to come out with a man powder so I can stop using baby powder.
Is the fact that the Earth revolved around the Sun really something worth celebrating? Should we also throw a party every day just because the Earth revolved on it's axis 360 degress and we made it through to another day?
I think I walked under a ladder five years ago. How else could I have gone five years without a girlfriend?
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