I'll Never Figure Me Out

The phrase 'You'll Never Figure Me Out', which I picked up after it was on a t-shirt that Leigh gave me, used to be the working title for the novel of my life. But now I'm thinking about changing it to 'I'll Never Figure Me Out'.

That's because my exasberating comments, ass backwards logic, and annoyingly over the top conjecture no longer confuses the few people with enough patience to even tolerate a conversation with me. It now confuses even me.

Case in point: my inner turmoil on trying to decide whether or not to move to Florida. I was all set to make the move, even looking forward to it, until that is, I went down there to check out my new life. The reality of actually seeing the area in which I'll be living and even more so the actual condo painted a picture for me that exceeded the image I had in my head of what I was expecting.

Actually setting the idea in motion has kicked off a change of emotions that are still sprialing out of control. Which is why I can't even figure myself out anymore. How I can be this unsure of myself, this willing to throw away something that I've looked forward to for so long is beyond comprehension. It's like there's a self destruction button that I hit every time something good is about to happen to me. That's the same button I pushed before I would have been commisioned as an Army officer.

And that's something that I need to work on. Even more than cutting down on the amount of money I spend per week on breakfast, lunch, and snacks at work. Which is bordering on $50 a week I'd say. Largely in part because food is comforting. And right now I need a lot of comfort.