The Blog Is Done!!!!

After 14 months, 443 days and 617 posts the blog is finally coming to an end. I know that this is a sad day for everyone but I'm certain that you will be able to move on in time and when you do you'll become a stronger person.

It was inevitable that the blog was going to end at some point. Now that I'm living in Florida my consecutive days streak was at risk of being tarnished by a thunderstorm or hurricane that would knock out the power. So I thought it would be better to go out on my own terms.

I also knew that if I were to get a teaching job that it would be impossible and improbable to continue blogging everyday. With that in mind I knew the end was near since the start of the school year is around the corner. I also wanted to free myself up to pursue other projects such as working on the movie that I'm writing with my roommate. That certainly hopes to be a far more lucrative endeavor than this one.

Before I go, I just wanted to thank everyone for reading my random thoughts all this time. It was your comments and feedback that inspired me to keep going for as long as I did. I hope that you have found something to your liking whether it was my Shame(s) on you rants, Shames-o-matic predictions, Craig's lists, or weekly ruminations on life.

There's a chance that I could start blogging again down the road but for now I think the timing is right to move on. Thanks again for reading and leave some love if you want to comment on anything that you've read up to now.

Peace out.

- Craig

Girlfriend of the Week: Sophia Bush

Chad Michael Murray's loss is my gain. And I couldn't be happier. After all, where else are you going to find a girl as cute as Sophia Bush? Those dimples are simply irrestible. Unfortunately, her acting is not. But that's okay because when I'm standing in line on opening night of John Tucker Must Die it won't be to see her academy award winning performance. It'll be to see her make out with my all time #1 hottie, Brittany Snow. I can't wait!

Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

I think I can get drunk off of Chicken Marsala.

I don't get all this talk about sticking it to the man? Who is this man that keeps on getting sticked? Does he mind getting sticked? If that was me I would be getting pretty mad that so many people want to stick it to me. I would hate to be the guy that finally provokes this man into retailation.

Have you ever felt like you were being followed? Well if you're walking to your car in a crowded parking lot you probably are.

At what point does your taste change with music and clothes? Like when I get older am I going to like the music that's out then or will I be listening to an oldies station that's playing Greenday and U2? And at what point did I stop shopping at the Gap and start shopping at Sears? Does this happen gradually or all at once?

I hate that guys are supposed to give up their jackets to girls if they are cold. I mean we were smart enough to bring one so why should we be the ones to freeze?! It doesn't make any sense.

If I go to the pick up line at the pharmacy does the girl that works there have to give me her phone number?

Why is it that your own voice sounds different to other people than to yourself but when you do impersonations it sounds like it should to everybody?

Starbursts are known as fruit chews which raises an interesting question: what the hell is a chew? Is it a form of currency since chocolate bars were based on gold bars?

Do you think that there are people out there you have a religious fetish? I mean it would be one thing if people only want to date within their religion but I wonder if people take it as far as to get turned on by religion. Like their idea of foreplay is going to church. Or their idea of roleplaying is getting dressed up like a priest and nun. Perhaps they go to the local porn shop and rent Debbie Does the Vatican.

Weekly Twilight Zone Update

The crazyiness continues with these eery examples:

1. The day after I come to AROD's defense all the major sports talk shows are discussing the Yankees fans' treatment of the reigning AL MVP. Do I have my finger on the pulse of America or was his plight only covered by the mainstream media because I was thinking about it?

2. On Wednesday I thought to myself how I wouldn't mind being a high school volleyball coach if I couldn't coach the baeball or softball teams. Later that night at the eye doctor's office there was a volleyball in the corner of the room. Come on now. A volleyball in the corner of an eye doctor's office!

3. On Thursday I was thinking about plastic surgery and how fake the girls in Flordia are and how I wanted to include that topic in my movie. Later that night Brian came running in telling me all about this new premise he had for his comedy routine...plastic surgery on guys.

*And as if all those examples weren't proof enough there were also multiple references to Jake Gyllanhaal, Charmed, and sinking ships.

Value Up, Value Down

Here's a look at five things that are hot right now and five things that have seen better times.

Value Up:

1. The World Wide Web - Some members of Congress might not know what it is but for those of us who do it's no longer just email, news, and sports scores. With dating services, personal sites like myspace and thefacebook and informative sites like wikipedia we are now in the golden age of the information age.

2. Interactive tv - Between the Lost Experience and webisodes of The Office tv networks are taking things to the next level. Personally I love the ideas because the one criticism of network television are the constant reruns and down time. Concepts like this help pass the time in between seasons and the fans are the real winners here.

3. Larry Johnson - Grandmama 2 came out of nowhere last year to dominate in the second half of the season for the Chiefs and now he is the most talked about football player on the planet even more so than Terrell Owens. Is there a magazine cover he's not on or commercial he's not in?

Value down

1. Yankees fans - I don't even want to be one anymore if you're going to continue booing Alex Rodriguez for no reason at all. The boos are tarnishing the image of used to be one of baseball's best fan bases.

2. Middle East violence - Enough already!

3. Global warming - 112 in Bismark in July and more Hurricanes than at a University of Miami football game. Yeah there's no such thing as global warming.

4. The Wayans brothers - How did somebody read the script to Little Man and think that it would be a good idea?

5. Dry eye - Having it sucks. If you could trade illnesses I would gladly trade in my dry eye for some asthma. And yes I'm being serious.

Craig's Lists: You Might Be a Loser If

No apartments for rent here. Just another hilarious list. This week I take a look at things you might do if you were a loser. Some of these I speak from experience on. Can you guess which ones?

You might be a loser if:

You have tivoed an episode of Battlestar Galletica.

You subscribe to Gamepro Magazine.

You've gone to the movies alone.

You've never had any cavities.

You've bought flowers for yourself.

When a baseball announcer says, 'for those of you scoring along at home', he's talking to you.

You've bought your whole wardrobe from one store.

You've been planning your wedding since you were 10.

You used to have an imaginary friend.

You know the words to the Golden Girls theme song.

You've played Dungeons and Dragons.

Your idea of a vacation is going to San Diego for ComicCon.

Your best friend is your pet.

You're coming in from a night out just as other people are going out.

The word gigabit means something to you.

You're looking forward to the Transformers movie.

You've ordered something from the Home Shopping Network.

You still have unopened packs of baseball cards from when you were a kid.

You shower with a bathing suit on.

You're still reading this list.

You swim with googles and a nose plug.

All the funny things you say are really quotes from movies.

You're reading this from your parent's basement.

Your idea of a date is eating one.

Your idea of clubbing is playing golf.

You still eat Flintstones vitamins.

You prefer taking a bubblebath to a shower.

You're male and you've taken a quiz in an issue of Cosmopolitan.

You play along to Jeopardy.

You've lent someone a dvd or video game and never asked for it back.

The only people who message you on myspace are night club promoters.

You correct people's grammar mid sentence.

You're a two beer queer.

You were multiple layers at all times just in case an impromptu strip poker game breaks out.

You study the scrabble dictionary.

When you go out with your friends you're the one taking all the pictures.

You've hosted a tuppelware party.

You've fantasized about Princess Lea.

In Defense of: AROD

The entire world hates Yankees thirdbaseman Alex Rodriguez even more than they do the United States. Every man, woman, and child regardless of race, creed or ethnicity has one thing in common: they're all jealous of baseball's million dollar man. Everyone that is, except for me.

Which is why I'm going to go to bat for AROD and defend him where others, not even Yankees captain Derek Jeter have. Perhaps I'm just a pushover but I can't stand to see everyone take a shot at Rodriguez when he hasn't done anything wrong. Keep in mind that in a steriods era he's one of the few guys hitting homeruns without any help. And yet people still boo him. In fact, in his home ballpark he gets booed more than Jason Giambi, an admitted steriods user. And this in a year in which he won the American League MVP award.

I don't get that. I also don't get how people don't like a guy whose genuiely a nice person and who says all the right things. Perhaps they think he's a phony and doesn't mean what he says. That he quietly is saying the opposite of everything he says in the press. But I don't buy it. He means well, he's just misunderstood because of who he is.

With the expectations being as high as they are for him he can never do anything right. Keep in mind though that he's playing a sport where failing 7 out of 10 times means you're a hall of famer. To hold him to such high standards in a sport predicated on failure is unfair. But that's the way it's been for him so far. And unless he wins a World Series in New York he's going to be considered a failure.

The way I see it though, even without a championship ring he's still the best player in the American League, if not all of baseball. I just wish everyone else would see that. Especially his hometown fans.

Team Oren Sweeps Doubleheader

Davie, Fl -

In their first game in seven weeks, Team Oren (3-2) bounced back in a big way after starting the year out 1-2 with a double header sweep on Sunday despite oppressive temperatures in the mid 90's.

In the first game Team Oren won easily, 24-5, as their offense came alive to lead the way. The 24 runs were two more than their previous season high of 22. The game was a lot closer than the final score indicated though as it was 4-2 after three innings.

However, Team Oren exploded in the top of the sixth inning for 11 runs on the strength of two grand slams by Big Pappa Brian Berkowicz and the seven foot tall Greg who was filling in from the Black Team. Everybody scored at least one run, including Craig who scored from first on a single, and Oren, Joanne, Brian, and Ken all scored three times. Seth chipped in four rbis despite playing on one foot and Oren added three more.

Berkowicz added two more homeruns in the second game to lead Team Oren to a come from behind win 11-10 over the favored red team. The fact that Team Oren was able to win the second game against a fresh team when everyone on the team was on the verge of collpasing from dehyrdation and doing so when they trailed by 3 runs entering into the last inning was simply amazing.

This time around it was the defense that lead the way as Andrew from the yellow team, who was filling in at third, threw out a runner from this knees, while Berkowicz, who was playing shortstop for the first time all year had an inning where he contributed to all three outs with an unassisted double play and an over the shoulder catch in centerfield. But the play of the game has got to go to Craig who threw out a runner at second base after fielding a basehit in right centerfield, and while moving away from the field, spun, and threw a strike to second base without even looking where he was throwing.

All of those great plays and solid pitching from Kevin helped keep Team Oren in the game, eventually paving the way for their 4 run rally in the bottom of the sixth inning that culminated with Joe scoring on a wild throw to first base on the back end of a double play attempt.

All in all, Team Oren showed their heart laying it all out on the field, refusing to lose when the deck was stacked against them. With an all out team effort like this every time Team Oren is going to hard to beat from here on out. And with the two wins they are now in great position to lock up a playoff spot in the coming weeks.

Box Score (Both games combined)

Craig 6 for 8 with 2 runs, 2 rbis
Oren 7 for 9 with 3 runs, 4 rbis
Mara 2 for 8 with 2 runs
Brian 8 for 8 with a walk, 7 runs, 9 rbi, and three homeruns
Seth 8 for 9 with 3 runs, 5 rbi
Joe 5 for 9 with 3 runs, 1 rbi
Kevin 3 for 9 with 2 runs

Great job guys. Keep it up.

- Craig

Girlfriend of the Week: Alyssa Milano

As a continuation of my tribute to Italy's World Cup win this week's girlfriend of the week is the hottest Italian girl that I could think of, the one and only Alyssa Milano. While Milano's star is fading faster than food from McDonald's through my stomach, she is still widely recognized as one of the hottest women on the planet. And who am I to argue with popular opinion?

How Charmed stayed on the air for so long is one of the World's great mysteries. I bet Alyssa had something to do with it though.

Tony Danza eat your heart out...

As hot in black and white as she is in color.

Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

I'm really surprised that Abercrombie and Fitch hasn't endorsed Marlins outfielder Reggie Abercrombie yet. I guess he doesn't fit their target audience.

Since I work in Boca Raton I guess I can say that I'm living La Vida Boca.

Am I the only jackass who wasn't aware that $2 bills were actually in circulation? This whole time I just thought that it was a joke whenever I heard about them.

How come our solar system doesn't have a name? Every other solar system in the Universe has a name but our own solar system is just known as The Solar System. I can't believe that no one has noticed this oversight yet.

The other day I was in the bathroom and I slipped and hit my head on the toilet bowl. It was at this time that I came up with the idea for the Deluxe Capacitor. It's like the Flux Capacitor from the Back to the Future movies except that it comes with coleslaw and a side of fries.

Would it be weird if I admitted that I kind of want to see, 'John Tucker Must Die'?

I don't understand why people ask someone to pull their finger when they want to fart? I don't know about you but my finger is not connected to my bowels.

I can't believe that some guy is suing Michael Jordan for $540 million just because everyone thinks he looks like him. That guy is messed up but I guess this means that I can now sue Harry Potter, Arthur the Aardvark, Jimmy Neurton, Curious George, Waldo, and Chewbacca.

Why does Sports Illustrated have words? Shouldn't it only have pictures?

Weekly Twilight Zone Update

The craziness continues with even more eery examples:

1. Wednesday night I read the script to Major League to see how a movie screenplay is written. Then on Thursday on 93.1 fm there was a promo for the station featuring an audio clip from the movie.

2. On Saturday night I saw Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and one of the characters had a starfish permanently imbedded onto his cheek. This a day after I watched Holy Man with Eddie Murphy in which he tells a story about a girl who ran along the beach and tried to save as many starfishes as she could before they died.

3. Wednesday at work I went to the bathroom and thought to myself that there was a good chance that while I was in there this weird guy who runs the water in the sink while he does his business would come in. And sure enough that guy came in.

4. Earlier in the week the Lost Expereince online game made a reference to Growing Pains and Alan Thick who played the dad. That was the first time that I had Alan Thick's name in over ten years. Since then I've heard it about ten times.

*There were also multiple references to Andrew Llyod Webber and I heard the word Juxtaposition used at least once almost every day.

Craig's Lists: Things That Suck

No apartments for rent here. Just a hilarious list. This week I take a look at things that suck:

Missing your exit on a parkway and not being able to turn around again for 20 miles.

Realizing that you left food at the grocery store after you get home.

Getting the wrong order after leaving a take out place.

Taking a bite of something spicy and then realizing that you don't have anything to drink.

Drawing on yourself with a pen.

Stepping in gum.

Stepping in dog poo.

Stepping in a puddle.

Getting locked out of your house with the stove on.

Setting off your nieghbor's car alarm just after he leaves to go away for the weekend.

President Bush at public speaking.

Leaving tickets at home when going to either the airport or a sporting event.

Having your identity stolen.

Having movers steal your vortex football. Yeah I'm still bitter.

Coming up with a great idea for an invention and then finding out that somebody already beat you to it.

Getting cheated on.

Your mom.

Movies made by the Wayans Brothers.

Taking your pants to the dry cleaners and then realizing that you don't have any more pants to wear to work the next day.

Having a girl tell you she's not ready to start dating and then the next day she starts dating someone else.

Getting 3/4 through a movie you rented at Blockbuster and then finding out it's scratched.

Spilling wine on a new carpet.

Jennifer Love Hewitt's singing career.

In grown toe nails.

Getting caught masturbating.

Having to move to a new town during high school.

Getting crabs.

Brian's comedy routine.

This list.

This blog.

Funny, Not Funny

Move over TBS there's a new judge of what's funny and what's not and his name is Craig Shames. In the following segment I'm going to analyze all of today's biggest names in comedy so that you can know whose good and who just thinks they are.

Dave Chappelle - Funny if you're black.

Carlos Mencia - Funny if you're hispanic.

Jerry Seinfeld - Funny if you like situational observations. Even funnier when being impersonated: "who are these people and where did they come from."

Jim Carrey - Funny if you had a time machine and could go back to when he was on In Living Color.

Chris Rock - Funny if you're one of the few peopel who can understand what he's saying.

George Carlin - Funny if you like to listen to really long lists.

Bill Maher - Funny if you like political humor.

Jay Leno - Funny during opening monologue only.

Conan O'Brien - Funny during interviews and bits but not during monologue.

David Letterman - Funny if you have an AARP card.

Jon Stewart - Occasionally witty and good delivery but the majority of credit for his success should go to his writing staff.

Steven Colbert - Not funny but thinks he is.

Margaret Cho - Funny if you're a lesbian.

Darryl Hammond - Funny if you like impersonations.

Dane Cook - Funny if you're a girl between 18 and 35 or your name is Brian Berkowicz.

Aaron Karo - Funny if you were in a fraternity.

Bill Cosby - Only funny while being impersonated by someone else.

George Lopez - See Carlos Mencia.

Anybody with the last name Wayans - See Jim Carrey.

Ray Ramano - Funny while acting but not while performing stand up.

Larry David - Great writer, horrible performer.

Lisa Lampanelli - Funny if you like insult comedy.

Jackie Martin - Funny if you like dirty jokes.

Jeffrey Ross - Funny when roasting someone.

Jay Mohr - Isn't funny but thinks he is.

Jason Alexander - Only funny as George Costanza.

Bob Saget - Surprisingly funny especially if you like dirty jokes.

Monique - See Chappelle.

John Pinnette - Funny if you like to eat.

Gilbert Goffried - Funny if you're not distracted by his stage fright.

Nick Cannon - Funny if you're still in high school.

Flip Schultz - Funny if you're Jewish.

Dave Attel - Funny if you're presently wasted.

Jim Norton - Funny if you don't have a conscience.

Craig Shames - Funniest man alive!

Website of the Month

Since I can't even get laid in a whorehouse we all know that I need help with the ladies. As such, I've been to every dating service known to man from jdate to match.com. None of them have helped so I'm searching for new and creative ways to meet people since hanging out across from the schoolyard isn't working either.

One of the new sites that I've been turned onto is www.matchactivity.com a new site geared towards setting up people on dates based around specific activities. The way that it works is that instead of just posting a profile about yourself and waiting for replies you take a more proactive approach and set up a specific activity that people can reply to if they share a similar interest. That way you're guaranteed to at least meet someone that likes the same things as you.

Sounds like it could be worth a shot to me. Too bad my chances of finding someone to watch lost and conduct a fantasy football draft are probably slim to none.

Mambo Italiano

In honor of Italy's World Cup win on Sunday here's a tribute to their great country.

Greatest Italian Athletes

1. The members of the 2006 World Cup winning squad

2. The members of the 2006 World Baseball Classic squad (just kidding)

3. The butcher's nephews in Kicking and Screaming.

4. Rocky

5. Tommy Lasorda


Things I Like About Italy

1. The food most of which I don't eat

2. Ancient Ruins

3. Alyssa Milano

4. The Sopranos

5. Little Italy and the North End in Boston

6. The country is made for walking. Get it. It's shaped like a boot. Get it. Haha.


Greatest Italian Based Movies (none of which I've seen)

1. Godfather trilogy

2. Goodfellas

3. All 6 Rocky movies

Girlfriend of the Week: Keira Knightley

Surprisingly this is the first time that I've chosen the pride of England as my gf of the week. I don't know what I was waiting for since Knightley is the hottest young actress on the planet both in terms of looks and talent.

The breakout star of Pirates of the Caribbean is back in a sequel that makes Titanic look like a five minute short film. It's not nearly as good as the first primarily since Keira isn't wearing a corset as much. It's still a must see though if you were a fan of the first one and considering that I saw it 76 times I think it's safe to say that I was. In fact, I think it's safe to say that I'm a fan of anything that Keira is in. Especially if it's my bed we're talking about.

That's it, it's official. I'm moving to Hollywood....

The beautiful Keira has a face that could launch a thousand pirate ships.

Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

Is there anything more frantic that those five minutes that you have to clean out your car with the gas station vacuum? I work harder in those five minutes than I do all week.

Don't you hate it when you think of something witty to say after the moment has already passed? It'll be like two weeks later and the comeback will finally come to you and you'll be like, 'dammit, why couldn't I have thought about that then!'

That happens to me all the time. The other day I was at the post office mailing a package and they asked me if I wanted to take out insurance. I said no thanks but what I should have said was, "well that depends. Do you plan on losing it?" On second thought maybe it's better to say nothing.

How dumb is everyone who worked at the Daily Planet? Are you trying to tell me that no one could tell that Clark Kent was Superman? They look exactly the same! The only difference was a pair of black glasses! That has got to be the worst disguise of all time. Furthermore, how come nobody was able to tell that he was wearing a blue cape under his outfit? I'm pretty sure that if he ever wore a light colored shirt to work that people would be able to tell that he was wearing something else underneath. And wouldn't he sweat a lot wearing all those layers everyday? Plus, does he have to do laundry everyday or does he have a whole closet full of capes?

One of the talk show hosts on ESPN radio had the line of the week when he said that David Ortiz has no shot at winning the all star game homerun derby unless they put runners on base and tell him that the game is on the line.

There's an ideas festival this week in Aspen, Colorado in which leading thinkers from around the world get together for a series of seminars and lectures to discuss world problems. I must be really immature because this is a really important event and I couldn't look at the website www.aspeninstitute.org without focusing on the fact that it includes the word penis.

Weekly Twilight Zone Update

The craziness continues with the following examples including some that are just downright freaky:

1. After seeing Superman Returns on Sunday I retrieved a 12 pack of diet pepsi from my aunt's car to give to my dad. The package of course had a promo for Superman Returns on it. It's not the fact that the package had a Superman ad on it since a lot of things probably have similar ads on it. It's the fact that the very first commercial item that I saw upon leaving the theatre was for Superman.

2. The following item could probably just be chalked up to coincidence although it's a rather large one. On the way to the movie theatre I saw a suped up car that was basically a convertible converted into a hummer. It was a low riser with huge wheels. I've never seen anything like it before. And it was an ugly yellowish color so it really stood out. Anyway I saw that car before and after the movie which is odd since it was a gap of about four hours. What are the odds of that? Perhaps there have been other items that have been repeating in my everyday life and I just haven't noticed all of them.

3. I talked with my friend Mara about various movies on Tuesday including the great Tom Hanks movie, Castaway. The very next night at a comedy show one of the comedians did an impersonation of Tom Hanks in Castaway. After the show I was watching tv before going to bed and stopped on the Wizard of Oz. The very next day I found out that Mara had been in a performance of the Wizard of Oz in middle school.

But those examples aren't even that freaky compared to this next one. And that is because Mara's apartment number is 524 which of course is my birthday. It's almost as if we were supposed to meet. Weird, huh? Furthermore we both eat a salad exactly the same way: iceburg lettuce, carrots, cuccumbers, and no dressing. Now that's freaky!

There were of course other smaller examples throughout the week such as me listening to a Lost podcast at work on Friday that mentioned references between the show and Stephen King books which I of course then found one of in the lunchroom. I also had an arguement with Brian about Texas Ranger utilityman Mark DeRosa earlier in the week and later that night he hit a homerun. Like I said the craziness continues each and every day.

David Eckstein Is On 'Roids and Other Absurd Sports Assertions

Okay, maybe I lied about that one but I think I may be on to something with the following assertions:

1. All public and private golf courses should be closed - Golf is such a pointless sport that it doesn't make practical sense to dedicate so much valuable land to it. All you do in the sport is hit a little white ball, try and find it, and then if you're lucky enough to do so, hit it again. It's pointless really and I can't understand why you need so much space to play this game.

George Carlin does a bit about this and I think he's 100% right. He mentioned something along the lines of all the golf courses in the U.S. taking up the equivalent space of three states. Three states! That is valuable land that could be used to provide housing for the homeless or recreation areas for the public. If it were up to me I would close the majority of courses although not all of them because people still need a place to go to play.

2. The UFC is fixed - Clearly it's not fake because the people are actually fighting but it could be fixed in that they push certain guys and set up the matches that they want to get the best ratings. So by association I guess that means that boxing is fixed as well. And you thought that it was only pro wrestling!

3. The World Series of Poker should be an Olympic Sport! - As should the X games, World Cup, and anything else that people actually care about. Maybe if they did that they would actually get good ratings.

4. The Mets will blow their 11.5 game lead - This one is for you, Rob. 11 games is currently the greatest collapse in MLB history so the Mets will set a new record for futility if they can't hold on. And the planets are aligned for it to happen that way. Victor Zambrano is out for the year, Pedro Martinez is headed to the dl, they have no pitcing depth, and their bullpen is going to get burned out at the rate they are being used. Combine all that with nagging injuries to Cliff Floyd and Carlos Delgado, the fact that they are the Mets, and have a young Phillies team on their heels that could get hot at any moment and I think the Mets will be lucky to hold on and make the playoffs. And if they do make it that far I'm calling that they get bounced in the first round.

5. And just for the record Italy will win the World Cup in a shootout after regulation ends in a scoreless tie, Ryan Howard will win the homerun derby, and the National League will win the all star game to prove just how bad of a format it is.

Craig's Lists: You Might Be A Jerk If

No apartments for rent here. Just a hilarious list. This week I'll be taking a look at things you may do if you shop at the jerk store.

You Might Be A Jerk If:

You belong to a country club.

You play golf or tennis.

You have a fancy job title.

You have a custom license plate.

You've knocked over a snowman.

Your favorite show is South Park.

You engage in road rage.

You yell at the tv during sporting events.

You've stolen someone else's parking spot.

You manage a softball team.

You think it would be funny to knock over a little kid's ice cream cone.

You know that the seat next to you has water on it and you see someone about to sit there but you don't say anything.

You've thrown someone into a pool.

You've corrected someone else's grammar mid sentence.

You write letters to the editor.

You write letters to companies to complain about every little thing.

You've talked on the phone while going to the bathroom.

You make your waiter repeatedly take back your food until it's just right and then leave a small tip.

You operate on your own standard of time.

Hugh Laurie on House is your favorite tv character.

Your favorite kind of humor is insult comedy.

You've taken a parking ticket of someone's car and put it on someone elses.

You like to pull pranks on people.

You make fun of everyone even your own friends.

You were the pledge master of your fraternity.

The Jerk with Steve Martin is your favorite movie.

You borrow things from friends like movies or video games with no intention of ever returning them.

You don't contribute money when someone invites you out.

You show up at a party and don't bring anything.

You play games with the opposite sex.

Independence Day

I bet you thought that this post was going to be about celebrating our nation's independence. However, since 70% of the country doesn't even know the words to the national anthem I'm willing to bet that nobody wants to read an article about that. If you really know me well you might have been expecting to find a tribute to Will Smith and the greatest movie of all time. But since it's been ten years since Bill Pullman had a leading role in a movie I think it's time to move on.

That leaves celebrating my own personal independence as the subject of today's blog. It's been exactly three months since I've been living down in Florida and in honor of my new found independence from the mother land I plan on going out hard tonight. And by that I mean having a wine cooler or two in my backyard before setting off a sparkler and calling it a night.

It's funny how differently you look at things once you're living on your own. I used to refer to a homecook meal as chicken cutlets and pasta or steak and french fries. Something wholesome and delicious that filled me up. Nowadays though a homecooked meal consists of heating up leftovers in the microwave. Previously, straigtening up meant making my bed and putting away my laundry. Now it means scrubbing the toilet and doing my laundry amongst a hundred other things.

In closing, let me just tell all of you aspiring patriots out there reading this from the comfort of your parent's basement. Stay put! Stay there for as long as you can. Stay there until they ask you to quarter troops. Stay there until you are taxed without representation. Because if you get out before then, before you know how to cook a seven course meal, then the next thing you'll be celebrating won't be independence day but redependence day.

Dear Bud,

The following is an open letter that I one day hope to send to MLB commissioner Bud Selig regarding the all star game.

Commissioner Selig,

I know that you are a baseball purist at heart and care deeply about the history and integrity of the game. You also care deeply about your legacy which is why I'm certain that you will do everything in your power to rid the game of the tarnish put on it by steriods and other performance enhancing drugs.

Which is why I'm dumbfounded how you could let the MLB all star game, aka the Mid Summer Classic, fall to such a low level. For a man with the ability to think outside the box and bring us such revolutionary concepts as realignment, interleague play, the wild card, and the World Baseball Classic I'm shocked that the injustices surrounding the all star game have so far gone unnoticed.

Surely, such a wise man as yourself would admit that having one representative per team is an antiquated idea. It may have been motivation for fans to watch when you were a kid growing up and the only game you could watch on tv was your local team. But nowadays when there are 10 national games on tv per week and everyone 'owns' at least 5 fantasy baseball teams the motivation for watching an all star game no longer revolves around team pride. In an information age the fans want to see the best players, the players that they know deserve to be there, and not some has been and never will be that they can see 162 other times a year. Trust me, no one in Kansas City is going to watch Trading Spaces instead of the All Star Game if Mark Redman is not on the roster. In fact, places like KC relish the all star game because it's their one chance a year to see how baseball is supposed to be played. So when the game that matters is on the line and you have Redman pitching to Freddy Sanchez when you could have had Francisco Liriano pitching to Nomar Garciaparra just know that you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

Player representation aside it's a real shame that you've let the powers that be at Fox influence you so much that an exhibition game now decides home field advantage in the World Series. Such sophomoric marketing tricks have now rendered your entire regular season completely useless. There's absolutely no motivation now to try and get the best record in baseball. As evidenced by the fact that from 2001 to 2005 every team that won the World Series was a wild card winner. It's clear that the only thing that matters is getting into the postseason. Once there anything can happen.

Now I can't just sit here and complain about how bad of a job you're doing when it comes to the all star game and not do anything about it. It's not in my nature. As such, here a few suggestions I have for enhancing the game and selection process.

First off, how about implementing automatic bids. Any hitter who is leading the league in a major offensive category, i.e. batting average, homeruns, rbis, and runs or any pitcher who is leading in a major pitching category, i.e. earned run average, wins, saves, and strikeouts would get an automatic bid to the team. This way you wouldn't have a scenario like you do this year in which NL batting average leader Nomar Garciaparra, AL homerun leader Jason Giambi, and AL Cy Young candidates Liriano and Curt Schilling aren't included on the team.

Secondly, I would get rid of the rule that the only players selected to the all star team are eligible to be in the home run derby. That way you can have good players who get snubbed for the team but who should really be there like Giambi, Adam Dunn, and Travis Hafner competing in the derby.

You could also have dh rules in effect regardless of whether the host city is an american league or national league team, create other skills competitions other than the homerun derby to get away from it's associations with steriods, and of course as previously stated get rid of the one representative per team rule.

If you do that then I believe that your legacy will be cemented as baseball's greatest commissioner. But if you continue to push the all star game aside then it will stain your legacy worse than steriods, Pete Rose, and the Montreal Expos combined. I hope that you will learn from your own mistakes the way that you have thus far learned from the mistakes of your predecessors.

Sincerely,

Craig Shames
Concerned Baseball Fan

Dear Bud Addendum

Players who should and shouldn't have made the all star team this year in my opinion:

American League

Should have made it:

Francisco Rodriguez, Angels, Rp
Chone Figgins, Angels, Utility
Travis Hafner, Indians, Dh
Curt Schilling, Red Sox, Sp
Josh Beckett, Red Sox, Sp
Justin Verlander, Tigers, Sp
Francisco Liriano, Twins, Sp
Johnny Damon, Yankees, Of
Carl Crawford, Devil Rays, Of

Shouldn't have made it:

Troy Glaus, BlueJays, 3b
Mark Redman, Royals, Sp
Mark Buehrle, White Sox, Sp
Gary Matthews Jr., Rangers, Of
Kenny Rogers, Tigers, Sp
Mark Loretta, 2b Red Sox

Clearly you can take Verlander over Rogers, Liriano over Redman, and Schilling or Beckett over Buehrle. I would then take Figgins over Glaus, Crawford over Matthews, and Hafner over Loretta using back shortstop Michael Young and Figgins at 2b.

National League

Should have made it:

Nomar Garciaparra, Dodgers, 1b
Aramis Ramirez, Cubs, 3b
Dontrelle Willis, Marlins, Sp
Roy Oswalt, Astros, Sp
Billy Wagner, Mets, Rp
Mike Gonzalez, Pirates, Rp
Adam Dunn, Reds, 1b
Johnny Estrada, Diamondbacks, Catcher

Shouldn't have made it:

Brian Fuentes, Rockies, Rp
Freddy Sanchez, Pirates, Utility
Paul Lo Duca, Mets, Catcher
Tom Gordon, Phillies, Rp

I would have definitely taken Wagner and Gonzalez over Fuentes and Gordon no question about it. Estrada is more deserving than Lo Duca he just playes in a smaller market. And Nomar's versatility makes taking Sanchez null and void.

Girlfriend of the Week: Kate Bosworth

In honor of the return of everyone's favorite superhero this weekend, I have selected everyone's favorite surfer as my girlfriend of the week, that of course being the beautiful Kate Bosworth.

Bosworth, no relation to former football headcase Brian Bosworth, plays Lois Lane, no relation to thespian Nathan, in the new Superman flick. Her inclusion alone makes it a must see since her presence actually made Win a Date with Tad Hamilton watchable.

Man, I wish I knew how to surf.

If you're with Orlando Bloom now does that mean that Kiera Knightley is available?

Hey Kate maybe you could win a date with me instead of Tad Hamilton.

Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

I wonder what would happen if you wanted an alternative to alternative music? Would that new kind of music that you are listening to suddenly get referred to as alternative? And if so what would you then call what you used to regard as alternative? Now these are questions that require our immediate attention.

Something else that requires our immediate attention are the discrepancies within the English Language. Apparently you are allowed to coin terms that don't make any sense. For example, how is something whose value is extremely high referred to as being priceless? Shouldn't something that's free be priceless? And what about all the confusion with fiction and non-fiction. You would think that books based on true events would be fiction and those that are made up would be non-fiction but instead it's the other way around. Furthermore, why do they call it a toothbrush if you use it to brush more than one tooth? And why do they call it a haircut if you get more than one hair cut?

People who hum while urinating are weird.

Mother nature is definitely a Democrat. How else can you explain how in Florida it can be raining on one side of the street but not the other? Only John Kerry has a harder time making up his mind.

Have you ever noticed that every time someone calls someone else a prick they always say that they are being a pretenious prick? I wonder why that is? Perhaps there are other types of pricks and they just wanted to clarify their insult. Or maybe they were just going for an insult that was both hurtful and contained aliteration.

I think that the lint that gets thrown out before doing laundry is a complete waste. What if we could make something out of that material instead of just throwing it out?

Weekly Twilight Zone Update

The crazy continues with one of my busiest weeks yet. Here's a look back at all the eerie examples from this week:

First off, there was yet another Entrouage tie in as last week's episode featured the guys reuniting with an old buddy of theirs from New York who just got out of prison. The guy handed Eric a script that he had written while in the slammer. That seemed odd to me since this is the first time that the show has introduced any characters from Vince's past and the first one that they do just so happens to do the one thing that I really want to do and that's write a movie script.

Speaking of screenwriting, I was watching a little bit of Forrest Gump, a movie which I hadn't seen in quite some time, over the weekend. The very next day I was flipping through one of the screenwriting books that I had taken out from the library and just so happened to stop on a page talking about characterization that coincidentally used Forrest Gump as an examle of a unique and well developed character.

During the week I went food shopping at Publix and this mom got guilted into pulling her twin daughters these litle Winne the Poo teddy bears that were dangling from a display in front of one of the aisles. I could tell that she was mad at the upper management of Publix for displaying these teddy bears but at that point had no choice but to buy them or risk having her kids cry for the rest of the night. The very next day my co-worker Karl brought in a bottle of honey to add to his tea.

While at work on Friday I was listening to a podcast about Lost as usual and at the exact moment that one of the speakers said the word scavenger I came across a chapter in the book that I was working on entitled 'Oxygen Scavengers'.

Monday while watching the USA network there was a promo for the return of Monk on Friday night July 7th. I immediately thought to myself what a dumb idea that was since no one is going to be home that night since they'll all be at opening night of Pirates of the Caribbean 2. Just as the words were coming out of my mouth a commercial for the movie aired immediately thereafter.

During the week I was talking to my co-worker about Dick Cheney and his company, Haliburton. Later that same day I listened to a Lewis Black bit about Cheney and his company, Haliburton.

If you're still not sold yet that I'm living in the Twilight Zone then this final example well surely change your mind. Brian and I were talking about how Peter Gammons is during the week after watching him report during a baseball game. I was inspired by this conversation and actually wrote the following joke for my Week In Review section: I think that Peter Gammons and Dick Clark should be at the forefront of the movement to clean up the environment. After all, the excesses of mankind won't be affecting their grandchildren like it will ours. It'll actually be affecting them! The very next day Gammons was hospitalized with a brain aneurysm. Now what say you to that?

NBA Draft Recap

Some random thoughts after watching the NBA Draft last night:

First off, how funny was it to see commissioner David Stern announce trades as if they were breaking news when ESPN had already announced them hours before? Quite honestly I was surprised that Stern didn't let us know that the U.S. had just captured Saddam Hussein.

Also, I think it's really pathetic that the players have to wear the cap of the team that they get drafted by even if they already know that they've been traded to another team. That's about as pointless as using a condom when having sex with a pregnant lady.

The highlight of the night was definitely the exchange between ESPN host Dan Patrick and commissioner Stern. It all started when Patrick and his co-hosts ripped several picks. Stern then came out and before making the next pick said some kind of snide comment. Patrick then had the greatest comeback of all time when he said, "you know, I've always liked (NFL commissioner) Tagliabue better."

Move over Dwayne Wade. Rudy Gay is about to take over your title of having the highest selling jersey in the NBA. After all, every fudgepacker from Ryan Seacrest to Mike Piazza is going to want one of his jersies to show off their gay pride.

Speaking of Gay does his fall in the draft mean that every team that passed over him was homophobic?

After Rutgers guard Quincy Douby got drafted did anybody else immediately think back to that old Budweiser ad campaign when they had a bunch of penguins singing, 'Doby, doby, do"?

How long do you think it'll be until someone asks Shaquielle O'Neal to comment on number one overall pick Andrea Bargnani and he responds by saying that he thought that was the name of the horse who beat Barbaro in the Preakness?

The biggest shock of the night was the Knicks passing over UCONN point guard Marcus Williams with the 20th pick in favor or taking some guy that no one has ever heard of before. Perhaps Thomas thought he was picking Rolando Blackman and not Renaldo Balkman.

2006 NBA Mock Draft

Any draft is a crapshoot but this year more so than ever. With no high school players in the mix there's no depth whatsoever. Here's a look at my top ten picks since that's about the point I stop recognizing names.

1. Toronto Raptors: Andrea Bargnani (7-1 PF, Italy) - All the proof you need is in the front office as the Raptors just hired an Italian league GM as their new GM.

2. Chicago Bulls: Tyrus Thomas (6-8 PF, LSU) - This could have been the Knicks pick but instead they'll sit back and watch as the Bulls take the best athlete in the draft.

3. Charlotte Bobcats: Brandon Roy (6-6 SG, Washington) - Just like Chris Paul last year, the best player in this year's draft will be a perimeter player. Roy could very well be the next Ray Allen.

4. Portland Trailblazers: Adam Morrison (6-8 SF, Gonzaga) - The Trailblazers have never been one to shy away from a controversial draftpick as witnessed by their collection of high school talent so it should come as no surprise when they take Morrison, the draft's purest small forward.

5. Altanta Hawks: LaMarcus Aldridge (6-11 PF, Texas) - The Hawks are desperate for size and will be estatic to get a guy who earlier in the year was projected to go as high as #1.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves: Rudy Gay (6-8 SF, Connecticut) - It seems like the T-wolves haven't had a first round pick since taking Kevin Garnett straight from high school thanks to the fallout from the ill fated signing of Joe Smith. In their return to the lottery they could get a guy, who like Roy, could be one of the best players to come out of the draft.

7. Boston Celtics: Randy Foye (6-3 SG, Villanova) - The Celtics needs backcourt help after starting Delante West for most of last year. Foye could be a great fit for them.

8. Houston Rockets: Marcus Williams (6-3 PG, Connecticut) - The Rockets desperately need a PG and could take Kentucky's Rondo but I have a feeling that they could reach for Williams whose the best pure pass first point guard in this draft.

9. Golden State Warriors: Cedric Simmons (6-10 PF, NC State) - The Warriors always seem to wind up with athletic big men who never materialize to anything and this year's Adonal Foyle is Simmons whose stock is on the rise of late.

10. Seattle Sonics: Thabo Sefolosha (6-6 SF, Switzerland) - The Sonics are not afriad to draft polished European players as witnessed by the success they had with Vladimir Radmonovich. This could be the spot for them to take such a player or another big man like Bradley's seven foot center Patrick O'Bryant.

And in case you were wondering about the Knicks, I'll just tell you that I have a feeling they'll take Duke guard J.J. Redick with the 20th overall pick. After all, Redick probably has the least upside out of anybody in the draft which is exactly why the Knicks will take him. With their second pick they will proceed to take a European player that no one has ever heard of before.

From A To Z

If you need to get caught up on what's being talked about in the world of sports, entertainment, science, and politics then you've come to the right place. Throw in a few updates about my personal life and you have some food for thought 26 different ways.

A - Aquaman: From the 'I can't believe this really happened' department some idiots recently asked Director James Cameron when the movie, Aquaman, was coming out. Aquaman of course isn't a real movie, just one they made up on Entourage. Although, come to think of it I would go see this movie if it were a real movie and actually starred Adrien Grenier and Mandy Moore in it.

B - Burnlounge.com: If you're into the music scene check out this up and coming website that is probably going to blow up world wide very soon. The way that it works is that you can create your very own music store and then everytime someone buys something you actually get a percentage of the sale. It costs about $25 a month to own a store so conceivably if you sell a lot of cds at $2.00 a pop you can make a huge profit with very little work involved. Then, and this is the best part, you can have people work under you so that every time someone buys something from their store they get money and you also get some. Eventually you can have an entire team under you and you can just sit back and watch the money pour in.

C - California here I come!: If this whole teaching thing doesn't work out my next plan is to move to California in pursuit of becoming a full time Hollywood script writer. I know it sounds crazy but I have two great ideas in production already and it may not be long before I have sold my first script. More on that later.

D - Delta park project: Sounds like a cool name for a band but it's really a pop culture podcast that I've been listening to at work. They even have a specific show all about Lost. So check it out at www.deltaparkproject.com.

E - Espy Awards Gone Mad: ESPN's sports awards show is one of my favorite awards shows but this year I think they've got it all wrong. After all, in a year in which the Olympics took place Olympic athletes are severely under represented. For example, how is someone like Sasha Cohen not in the discussion for best female athlete? And on the male side how is Vince Young listed but not Reggie Bush? LeBron James sure. But where is Dwayne Wade? How about Roger Federer? Who chose these nominees?

F - FX contest doesn't work out: Brian and I entered a FX contest through myspace that was searching for the next great sitcom. They think they have a good one with It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and as such wanted to look for another homegrown show in that same fashion. Unfortunately, our entry didn't do so well. You can check it out here at: http://imaheadcase.blogspot.com/2006/06/grumpy-young-men-check-out-audition.html

G - Guys Night Out on the way: As I mentioned before I have a few movie ideas in the early stages of production. The first one that I'm co-writing with Brian is going to be called Guys Night Out and will be about four friends who have one last crazy night out before one of them moves out of town. It's going to be a cross between American Pie and Wedding Crashers.

H - Hurricane season: It's already here and as a result I've had six consecutive softball games rained out. Let the record show that I officially hate Hurricane season.

I - iTunes: I never thought that this day would come but let the record also show that I love iTunes. I'm not a big music guy or fan of macs but now that I've been listening to Lost podcasts, comedy shows, and alternative msuic stations at work I can't get enough of it. It might even be enough motivation for me to stay on my assignment longer than originally planned.

J - John Hodgman is the man: If you're looking for the next breakout star in Hollywood it's Hodgman who plays the PC in those commercial spots for Macintosh in which the kid from Dodgeball plays the Mac. He's also done work for the Daily Show with Jon Stewart and has only scratched the surface of his potential.

K - Knicks: That was the punchline. The joke - which NBA team sucks more than Paris Hilton. As if playing the way they did last year wasn't bad enough things got worse, much worse, this offseason when the pick that they traded to the Bulls for Eddy Curry turned into the #2 overall pick in the draft and they topped that off by firing Hall of Fame coach Larry Brown and replacing him with GM Isiah Thomas. What is owner James Dolan thinking?

L - Lost experience: Well you knew I couldn't go an entire list without mentioning Lost at least once. This is a worthy mention though since it'll serve notice that this summer the producers are running an interactive game referred to as the Lost Experience. Through various websites and 1800 numbers players can retrieve clues about the show as the game delves deeper into the show's mythology. Unfortunatley, not even I have time for such a game but I'm sure I'll read a recap about it at the end of the summer.

M - Meetups.com: This is a cool site that brings people together by arranging meeting places for people with similar interests. I was hoping they would have meetups for crop circles and Lost but unfortunately the closest thing I could find was a meetup for people who have gotten lost in crop fields.

N - NBA Draft: The countdown to the biggest day of Russell's life is at t-minus 1 day and counting. Check back tomorrow for my Mock Draft.

O - Ozzie Guillen goes off the deep end: I still haven't stopped laughing after hearing that the White Sox manager will have to attend mandatory sensitivity training for making homophobic remarks to a Chicago Tribune columnist. Always remember Ozzie, that your anger is the one thing that you can't get rid of by losing it.

P - Pirates of the Caribbean 2 almost here!: Even though I know it won't be as good as the first one I still can't wait. In fact, if given the choice between watching this movie and having sex with twins I would chose watching this movie even if I had to sit between two fat guys and behind a tall guy with a hat.

Q - Queen of Mean now #1: I have a new favorite comedian and it's none other than the Queen of Mean, Lisa Lampanelli. If you haven't heard her stuff you have really got to check it out. It's better than sex. Or so I hear.

R - RV's!!: And no I'm not talking about that crappy ass Robin Williams movie. I'm talking about the fact that if I can't become a teacher I might just buy a RV and travel around the country!

S - Summer reading list: My goal is to read 'Bad Twin' which is all about the mythology of Lost. If I get really ambitious I might read some of the other classics that are mentioned throughout the show but it's more likely that if I read anything else it'll be the next Clive Cussler novel.

T - Teaching update: No job yet although I have applied for a job fair in mid July in which Broward County does all their last mintue hiring. So, I really hope that I can get into that fair and get hired on the spot.

U - Utube: This is another great website that allows you to view pretty much any video clip ever made. You can also post your own original material to it as Brian and I did with our FX contest audition tape. Check it out at www.youtube.com.

V - Video games and Congress: The fact that Capitol Hill even held congressional sessions to debate whether or not video games lead to violence is enough to make me blow a gasket. When you then hear how out of date these politicians are you want to shoot yourself. One senator referred to himself as a 'gamer' because he once played pong thirty years ago! Come on now! These senators need to get in touch with society because they are so far removed from reality that it's not even funny. After all, video games don't lead to violence. Watching the six o'clock news does.

W - World Cup update: Just for the record I'm picking Brazil to win it all. And that's just because I know South Florida will be going crazy if they do.

X - Xmen spinoffs: There's talk about making spinoff movies for popluar xmen characters such as Magneto and Wolverine. I don't really care one way or the other. I just needed something to talk about that started with the letter X.

Y - Yankees update: They are still alive despite the potentially devastating injuries to Hideki Matsui and Gary Sheffield. As such they'll do whatever they can to hold on until those guys can come back. Which means that they will be big players at the trading deadline. My prediction - acquiring a frontline starter like the Braves John Smoltz and a veteran outfielder like Reggie Sanders.

Z -Z100 is now in South Florida: See 'X'.

David Eckstein Is On 'Roids and Other Absurd Sports Assertions

Okay, I lied about that one. But I do have a shocking claim to make about steriods in baseball. And you may want to sit down for this one for I'm about to suggest that the Sultan of Swat, George Herman Babe Ruth, used steriods back in the day.

Now you may be saying to yourself that I have no idea what I'm talking about since steriods weren't around until decades after the Bambino retired. But what if they were around? What if the Babe was given an experimental drug to try out? A drug that years later we would come to know as steriods. The way I see it such a scenario is certainly possible since the Babe hung out with unsavory characters. What if he was convinced by such characters to try out a new drug? After all, how else do you explain how someone who didn't work out and had horrible eating habits could hit the ball 600 feet and hit more homeruns by himself than entire teams were hitting in a supposed dead ball era?

The next assertion that I want to make is in honor of the World Cup that is completely galvanizing the attention of the entire world right now. In other words it's like a real life Quidditch. Which is why I think that it should be used to settle world disputes. If it can bring peace to the Ivory Coast then why not to the Middle East? What if we chose to settle the War on Terror not on American soil nor Iraqi battlefields but rather on a soccer field? What if troop withdrawal in Iraq wasn't decided by a Congressional resolution but by a penalty kick? Who needs a shootout on the streets of Baghdad when you can have a shootout on the soccer field to decided things. If it was up to me I would take the U.S. soccer team and pit them against the Iraqi team and if the U.S. wins Iraq installs a democratic government and if Iraq wins the U.S. withdraws and Iraq is left to their own governing devices. Now that's a soccer match even I would watch.

If you want to read about even more absurd sports assertions, such as the fact that the UFC is fixed, then check back next week when I talk about that and how the World Series of Poker should be an Olympic event. After all, some ideas are so crazy that they might just work.

Girlfriend of the Week: Kate Hudson

I was surprised to learn that in six months of picking girlfriends of the week that I had yet to pick one of my all time favorites, Kate Hudson. So when the guys on Entourage were talking about giving Vince an Almost Famous moment on last week's episode I knew right then that I had my excuse to finally choose Kate.

Sure I could have just waited for the next romantic comedy to come out this summer since chances were pretty good that she would be in it since all romantic comedies these days star either her or Matthew McCounaghey. But I don't have the patience for that. In fact, I don't even have the patience right now to sit here and type so I'm going to head out and start getting ready for my softball game.

Come on Kate, what do you see in this assclown? What does he have that I don't aside from talent and money?

Goldie Hawn's pride and joy walking the Red Carpet.

Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

After watching the NBA Finals, I don't think that Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki is capable of moving forward. I mean the man even fades away during dunks. During dunks! How pathetic is that? After watching him play I'm willing to bet that he can't even swim forward. He's probably only capable of doing a dead man's float. And during sex he probably can't even do it in the missionary position. Just reverse cowgirl while he lays on his back.

I wonder what would happen if I go to Taco Bell and order a Nacho Libre?

Hugh Jackman really missed the boat. With a name like that he should have entered porn.

How is Playboy magazine considered pornography but an anatomy textbook is not? Have you ever seen how graphic those books are?

After listening to comedy on iTunes the last few weeks all I have to say is that Dennis Miller sucks. But that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

The thing that I don't understand about Islam is this belief that you get 72 virgins if you die as a Martyr. I guess it's supposed to be motivation for people to become martyrs but if that's the case wouldn't it make more sense to say that you get 72 whores? I mean wouldn't people prefer to spend the rest of eternity with nasty sluts who will do anything they want rather than with a bunch of virgins who are inexperienced and don't know what they're doing?

I hate when peole say 'if I may' after making a statement. As if someone is actually going to reply 'no you may not'. And if someone did say that how would that person respond?

Vengeance Preview

The WWE is really starting to pick up with the return of DX and ECW. Here's a look at my Shames-o-matic predictions for their next Raw ppv event this Sunday:

John Cena over Sabu - In head to head matchups ECW has been coming out ahead largely due to the fact that they have to come across as being a strong brand or otherwise they won't last long. However, since Cena just lost to RVD I can't see him losing again unless of course there's outside interference which is almost a certainty. Cena via DQ.

Randy Orton over Kurt Angle - Angle looks unstoppable in ECW since choke holds are legal but I have a feeling that Orton will come out ahead since the match is under WWE rules and he needs a win to cement his place as a main eventer on Raw.

Mic Foley over Ric Flair - This once could go either way since there's so much real life tension between the two but I have a feeling that Foley will win with help from Edge and Lita.

Edge over RVD - This one is for the WWE Title and as such it's obvious that Edge will bring it back to Raw. Or is it? I have a feeling that Edge could win and jump ship to ECW ensuring that the title stays there. Either way Edge wins.

Carlito over Shelton Benjamin and Johnny Nitro - Benjamin makes a good champion but it wouldn't suprise me if Carlito wins since he's finally over with the fans after an icy reception at first. Nitro has no shot.

Fake Kane over Kane - Hasn't officially been added yet to the card but I have a feeling that it will. And when it does Kane will lose to his former masked version allowing him to come back with that very same mask back on. As in he was fighting himself and his darker side won.

DX over the Spirit Squad - DX is back with HHH and HBK reuniting. Even though it's a 5 on 2 handicap match they should win easily. Although it's possible new members will help them I strongly doubt it.

Umaga over Eugene - Yet another squash match for this Somoan Joe rip off.

Weekly Twilight Zone Update

I've been so entwined this week with listening to Lost podcasts on ITunes that quite honestly I haven't really been paying attention to see if there are any freaky coincidences occuring. I did however notice this big one:

During this week's episode of entourage when Ari walks into his office during a heat wave his assistant Lloyd tells him that it's 98 degrees according to his widget. Ari then says what the hell is a widget and goes off on a tangent about them in typical Ari fashion. That's weird because on Friday at work I was talking to my co-worker Karl about widgets, what they were, and how to get them. Prior to that I had never heard of them. What are the odds that three days after I find out what widgets are they appear on an episode of my favorite sitcom?

Craig's Lists: You Might Be Gay If

No apartments for rent here. Just another hilarious list. This week I'm going to be taking a look at things you might do if you were gay.

You might be gay if:

You have a subscription to Men's Health.

You've worn thong underwear or a speedo.

You hang out at South Beach.

Your name is Richard Simmons or Ryan Seacrest.

Your favorite shows are American Idol, America's Next Top Model, Extreme Home Makeover Edition, and Dancing with the Stars.

You're a fan of men's tennis.

You actually have a fashion sense.

You sit with your legs crossed.

You pee sitting down.

You wear scarfs.

You correct other people's grammar.

You've gotten a manicure or pedicure.

You've ridden on a vesba.

Your ultimate dream job is professional dog walker.

You watch the Food Network regularly.

You're familar with Peter North's earlier work.

You don't play sports but you like to go roller blading on occasion.

Shames = Championships

With the Miami Heat putting the finishing touches on their first championship in team history last night it's now official. Having a member of the Shames family in your town guarantees a championship. Think about it.

I grew up in New York and during my tenure there the New York Rangers ended a 54 year Stanley Cup drought when they won in 1994. It was around that same time that the New York Knicks had a successful run and made it to the NBA Finals against the Houston Rockets. And then of course the New York Yankees pulled off the upset in 1996 against the Atlanta Braves on their way to the first of four World Series wins.

However, I then left to go to school in Boston and ever since then the Yankees have failed to win the World Series. Where as Boston teams have won and won and won some more. First off, the New England Patriots won not one not two but three Super Bowls creating a modern day dynasty that would not have been possible had I not moved there. And if three Super Bowls weren't enough what about the Boston Red Sox ending the infamous curse and finally winning the World Series in 2004? Come on now, I think I'm on to something.

If you don't believe me yet then check out what has happened since I've moved to Florida. In only three months the Florida Gators won the NCAA Ttournament and most recently the Miami Heat won the NBA Title. If you consider the fact that the Shames family has been living down in Florida since the late 1980's then you could also credit the Florida Marlins World Series wins in 1997 and 2003, the Tampa Bay Lightning's Stanley Cup in 2004, the Tampa Bay Bucaneers recent Super Bowl win and countless college championships for the Miami Hurricanes, Florida State Seminoles, and Florida Gators to my dad and grandparents.

I can even go so far as to say that my sister has the magic touch as well since the Baltimore Ravens won the Super Bowl and the Maryland Terrapins won the NCAA Tournament while she was living down there. And the Philadelphia 76ers even made it to the NBA Finals while she was at UPENN.

And if I really wanted to I could branch out to distant relatives and credit my cousin Kenny in Arizona with helping the Arizona Diamondbacks win the World Series in 2001. You could even say that he helped the Phoenix Suns get to the NBA Finals under Charles Barkley during the first year that he had moved out there.

But it's not just taking up residence in a state that leads to championships. In some cases just passing through works just as effectively. Case in point, my flight to New York two weeks ago was delayed for five hours in Charlestown, South Carolina. 10 days later and the Carolina Hurricanes are the Stanley Cup champions.

So as you can see having a Shames live in your state pretty much guarantees you a chance to win or at least make it to the finals of your respective sport. And the magic has so far worked in all four major sports as well as collegiate athletics. I'm not sure why my family has the magic touch. All I know is that Shames equals championships.

World Cup Fever

I don't have it. And neither should you. Not unless you were already a soccer fan to begin with. Otherwise it's just another excuse to stay up late, miss work, and party like it's 1985. And while everyone else may need an excuse to miss work I do not. I already have an entire list of excuses waiting anxiously for their turn to be used.

Now, don't get me wrong. I actually think that the World Cup is a great idea and I'm a big fan of it in theory. After all, whenever a majority of the nations of the world can come together in an international event and compete against one another for national pride it's going to be a great thing. The level of interest in this event worldwide is exactly what organizers have always hoped that the Olympics would become. Unfortunatley for them it hasn't exactly been that way since no one is going to be entering an office pool and betting on curling anytime soon.

Soccer on the other hand has taken on a life of it's own. There is even peace in the Ivory Coast for the first time in years which is truly remarkable. And as long as people don't take this thing too seriously and start rioting and killing each other over it I'm all for it. How can you not be?

On the other hand the thing that I'm not all for are all you posers out there who are just jumping on the World Cup bandwagon since the Miami Heat bandwagon was already full. These are the type of people who say corny things like, "I'm really getting into it." These are probably the same people who vote twenty times for their favorite contestant in American Idol, who actually watch Deal or No Deal, and who probably have had plastic surgery. These are the people in other words who only do things because society tells them to or because they want to be in on the conversation at the water cooler. And that's not a reason to do anything.

As I'm sure you all know I'm not one to conform with society. I don't catch fevers during international competitions or when a hot new show comes out. I do my own thing, form my own opinions, and let my own interests form my tastes. In other words I stay true to myself. And I encourage everyone else to do the same. Which is why it bothers me when everyone else sells out for two weeks every four years.

If you're not regularly a soccer fan then don't pretend to like it just because everyone you know is talking about it. If you can name more members of the Jackson Five than you can members of the U.S. team then don't call yourself a soccer fan. If you can't tell Landon Donovan apart from Billy Donovan then you have no business taking off from work to watch a game. And if you can't pick Eddie Johnson out of a police lineup don't even bother entering the conversation around the water cooler. And that's all I've got to say about that.

Team Oren Decimated By Injurires

Davie, Fl -

With 9 regulars either hurt or missing in action Team Oren was down to three players at the start of Sunday's game against the black team. Those three players (Craig, Joe, and Kevin) refused to forfeit and actually challenged the black team to take them on 10 on 3.

The way that would have worked was that someone on the other team would have played catcher, Kevin would have pitched and ran over to cover first base on any grounders, Joe would have played the left side of the infield, and Craig would have covered the entire outfield by himself. Unfortunatley the black team wanted none of that plan and nixed the idea leading to Team Oren taking a forfeit.

However, since one of the other teams on the north field also forfeited the schedule was reworked so that the two teams that actuaully had enough players could play each other and the two teams that forfeited could possibly play a makeup game at another date. So basically we haven't offiically forfeited yet.

In other news, Craig, Joe, and Sam were recruited to help out the yellow team during their 6 o'clock matchup with the teal team. With Oren watching on, Craig and Joe roomed the outfield and combined to go 3 for 5 with 2 runs and 5 rbis to carry the yellow team's offense. Meanwhile, Sam set up a 4 run game winning rally in the third inning with a sacrifice hit.

Next week, weather permitting, Team Oren will look to get back to their winning ways although doing so will be difficult since they will be without Kevin, Oren, and Seth who may be out for the year with a broken foot.

Girlfriend of the Week: The Olsen Twins

As you have probably figured out by now I like to make sure that the girl that I pick as my girlfriend of the week have some relevance. I.e. there has to be a reason why I chose that person in that given week. Well since this week is father's day I thought that it would be a good idea to pick a girl that has a father. And since that includes everybody I pretty much have a free pass to pick whoever I want this week.

As such, I thought I would fire up the way back machine and go back to a time when the Olsen Twins were actually relevant. I know it's been a while since they are now in college and Mary Kate is in and out of eating disorder clinics but if it were up to me they would still be on the cover of every tabloid magazine. I guess the reason that they are not is that nobody really cares about them now that they are legal and there's nothing left to count down to.

But if it's countdowns you like then it's countdowns you'll get. How about I start a new countdown right now. T minus 4 days and counting until my greatest post ever.

The girls back when people actually cared about them....

Since it's father's day I guess Bob Saget deserves some credit for raising such great girls. (Coke snorting, wild partying, and eating disorders aside)

Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

I don't know why people bother buying bananas. They are pretty much guaranteed to go bad before you can eat them. If you want to have something sit on your countertop that's going to go bad you might as well just buy yourself flowers. At least that way you'll have something pretty to look at.

Whenever I go food shopping I always get the shopping cart with the broken wheel. Not even my luck can be that bad. I'm beginning to think that they don't even have any carts that aren't broken!

I love nectarines.

I think that if Good Year Tires made sneakers I would buy them. You just know that those suckers are going to last a long ass time.

The first thing that everyone said to me when I went home last weekend was, 'wow you've lost weight!' OF COURSE I WAS GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT. You try living on your own when you don't know how to cook and let me know how it goes.

Do you have to get your priest a gift on father's day?

I don't get soccer fans. I was getting lunch at McDonald's this week and the guy ahead of me online kept looking over his shoulder at the tv monitors to check the action in one of the World Cup games. I felt like telling him not to bother since it's soccer and the score was probably 0-0. Chances were that when he got back to his seat it would still be 0-0! Nothing ever happens in soccer. Worst sport ever.

Is there anything more frustrating than watching a movie with a voice over and spending the entire time trying to figure out where you know that voice from? That was me trying to figure out who was playing the Beast in Xmen 3.

Is there a bigger double standard than Republicans being for the death penalty but against abortion?

Weekly Twilight Zone Update

The craziness continues and this week it crosses the line as Pittsburgh Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger gets into a motorcycle accident and breaks his nose and jaw, injures his knees, and gets a gash on the back of his head. This after Roethlisberger made an appearance on Mike and Mike in the morning on ESPN radio earlier that day to talk about, well, nothing. Which bothered me for some strange reason and I said to myself, 'I can't stand it when people appear on talk shows for no apparent reason. If Roethlisberger is going to be in the news it damn well better be for a good reason." Six hours later he had got into a car accident while on his motorcycle. I think I may have caused that accident.

Other strange coincidences this past week include:

Brian making a joke on Wednesday night about Bed, Bath, and Beyond as an obvious reference to the movie Old School. Later that night I found a coupon to Bed, Bath, and Beyond that had come in the mail earlier in the week.

Brian also started doing an Andrew Dice Clay impersonation for his comedy routine. Then during work on Thursday I heard for the very first time on the comedy podcast that I listen to a bit by, none other than, Andrew Dice Clay. I swear that I had never heard him before until Brian mentioned him and then the very next day he suddenly appears.

Even more Chris O'Donnell references. It all started about a month ago when the Twilight Zone first started appearing. I dreamnt that I was on Jeopardy and the final jeopardy answer was Chris O'Donnell. That next morning I turned on the tv while getting ready, something I never do, and at that exact moment Chris O'Donnell appeared on screen in the movie the Three Musketeers. Since then there have been two more O'Donnell references. Last week I was in the book store buying 'Bad Twin' which is a tie in to 'Lost' and two people ahead of me on line were talking about Chris O'Donnell for some strange reason. Then at work this past Friday he appeared on the cover of a magazine in the lunch room because he is going to be a new doctor on Grey's Anatomy. What's up with all this Chris O'Donnell business?

And as always there is usually an actual reference to the Twilight Zone each week and this week while watching an ECW event there was a promo for a couple of episodes of the Twilight Zone that were going to be airong in the SciFi channel. Interesting.

Music Mania

As most of you know I've never liked music. In fact, I'm probably the only person in the entire world who doesn't own a single cd. For the longest time the only exposure that I had to music was my sister's collection of Mariah Carey and Michael Bolton cd's. If my life was a soundtrack it would be the boring crap that radio stations play on loop during the graveyard shift. Pathetic, I know.

Now, I'm not sure why I've never taken to music. Perhaps it's the fact that I have so many baseball statistics in my head that there's simply no room for music lyrics. Or maybe all those years of listening to my sister's god awful singing during car rides has scared me for life. Who knows? All I know is that when I hear Gnarls Barkley I immediately think of Charles Barkley.

That's all changed since I started working at Taylor and Francis where in an attempt to keep what little sanity I have left I've started listening to music and comedy on ITunes. What I've discovered is that I actually have likes and dislikes, interests and disinterests.

The list below is a short compilation of who I've been listening to. Better late than never as I like to say. Let me know if there's anybody else that I would like.

The hot list in no particular order:

Tool
Fuel
Any other band with four letters having to do with cars
U2
Lincoln Park
Red hot Chili Peppers
Foo Fighters
Shinedown
Yellow Card
William Hung
Good Charlotte
Greenday
Buckcherry
Disturbed
Fall Out Boy
Breaking Benjamin
Black Eyed Peas
Evansence
Aerosmith
Kelly Clarkson
Goo goo dolls
Nickleback

*On a personal note I would like to take this opportunity to say that I am vehemently opposed to the music of Dave Matthews Band for the simple fact that I don't like people who name their band after themselves. That's worse than giving your child the same name that you have. It's egotistical and shows a lack of creativity and it needs to stop.

Grumpy Young Men

Check out the audition tape that Brian and I made for a FX contest looking for the next great sitcom.

In Defense of Canada

As promised here's the debut of one of my new features entitled 'In Defense Of' in which from time to time I will defend a person, place, or thing that society has been ganging up on. Up first is everyone's favorite punching bag, our neighbors to the north, Canada.

Now I'm not sure why but everywhere you look someone is ripping on the Canucks. Right now there are probably thousands of people scattered throughout the continental United States that are shitting on Canada. Some of them are probably even literally shitting on it. They are crossing over the border, pulling their pants down, and dropping the Cosby's off at the pool.

The fact that Canada is the brunt of jokes from stand up comedians or locals in bars is not what concerns me. What draws my ire is that Conan O'Brien has sent Triumphant the Insult Comic Dog to Quebec, Maxim has sent a team of reporters on undercover missions, and there's even been a movie, Canadian Bacon, that just rips on Canada for 90 plus minutes.

Now it's one thing to occassionally rip on a country like the way we rip on the French for being a bunch of pussies when it comes to fighting wars. It's quite another to rip on a country so much that it gets to the point where children are growing up in a culture in which they think they are supposed to be making fun of it. Shitting on Canada has become so widespread that an entire generation of Americans are growing up on the belief that making fun of Canada is as American as baseball and homemade apple pie.

But it doesn't have to be this way. And it shouldn't. Not when this country is producing a lot of talent in the entertainment industry. If for no other reason here are a few reasons why you shouldn't shit on Canada:

Pamela Anderson
Dan Aykroyd
Eugene Levy
Alex Trebec
Evangeline Lilly
Nelly Furtado
Steve Nash
Nickleback
Jason Bay
Celine Dion (okay, maybe that was a bad example)
The entire NHL pretty much

And of course WWE wrestlers such as:

Trish Stratus
Edge
Chris Benoit
Chris Jericho
Christian
Bret Hart

If those aren't reasons enough to stop making fun of Canada then I don't know what is. Then again, this is Canada we're talking aboot.

Do you believe in Destiny?

Destiny is not a word that I throw around lightly. In my life there have only been a handful of times when I have used it or heard it used. The first instance was in middle school social studies when talking about the expansion of the U.S. to the West Coast as in Manifest Destiny. Then during the Yankees championship run in the late 1990's when somebody came up with a clever play on the interlocking NY at the end of the word (DestiNY). After that it didn't surface again until a recent trip into a strip club where I got a lap dance from a stripper named Destiny. And now Lost has it as a prominent theme woven intricately into it's plot. Other than those instances it has never come up. Until now that is.

You see I'm not a religious guy at all. I don't believe in God, the idea of Heaven and Hell, reincarnation or any of those other ideas. But there are a lot of things that I do believe in such as fate and karma and most of all, destiny. I don't believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason but I do believe that it's possible for SOME things to. Which is why after the events of this weekend I believe that it is now my destiny to become a writer.

The reasoning for my conviction is that my flight back to New York on Thursday night was delayed five hours when we had to abruptly land in an abandoned airport in Charlestown, South Carolina after a passenger smelt something towards the back of the plane. Ordnarily getting standed in an airport at 2 am would not be the talk of destiny but since I was originaly supposed to be on the 8:30 flight and switched at the last minute I'm lead to believe that I was supposed to be on that flight and that getting stuck at the airport was meant to happen.

If that's the case then it had to be for a reason. Something would have to happen during my layover to make it worthwhile. And sure enough I wound up meeting two great people, Jimmy and Nicole, that I wound up talking to the entire time. I'm usually a shy guy so the fact that I would even talk to strangers is weird in of itself. But talk I did. And what I got out of those conversations was inspiration. The new found inspiration that is to 'follow my heart' as Nicole said and become a writer.

Which is why I won't be terribly upset if I don't get to become a teacher. Now don't get me wrong. I'm still going to pursue a career in education. However, if I can't get a job I'm not going to take it the wrong way. I'm not going to look at it as a slap in the face or as a personal attack on my abilities. And I'm certainly not going to move back to New York a defeated man. Rather, I'm going to look at it as more destiny. As in I was supposed to get rejected so that I could be freed up to move to California and become the world's greatest screenwriter.

And if that does happen I'll know exactly who to thank.

Girlfriend of the Week: Emilie de Ravin

Over the last few weeks my run ins with the Twilight Zone have been well documented but none may be more freakier than the fact that in the week in which I chose Emilie de Ravin from Lost as my girlfriend of the week the inflight movie on my trip to New York was Emilie's one and only full length feature film, The Hill's Have Eyes. Now what are the chances that the one movie she was in would be playing during my only trip back to New York in a week that I was blogging about her? Come on now, something is really going on here.

While I try and figure out what that is enjoy Emilie in all her glory.

Sure there are people and monsters trying to kill them but I could think of worse things than being stranded on a deserted island with this stunner....

Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

As you well know there are the three s' of getting ready: shitting, shaving, and showering. Well I also have the three s' of what I look for in a girl and they are that the girl can't snore or smoke and has to be shorter than me.

My cousin Paige gave birth to a baby girl on Monday and my first thought was, 'yes! Now I'm going to be an Uncle!" And then I realized that when your cousin has a baby you're not an uncle just a second cousin.

Speaking of being an uncle I think it's weird to call relatives by formal prefixes. I've never done it and I don't want my neices and nephews to call me Uncle Craig. That just sounds weird. I prefer that they call me Craigala like everyone else within earshot of my mom does after she says good bye to me in public.

The babies name by the way is Madden, which is probably short for Madeline. However, it's interesting how girls and guys differ in how they look at things. For example, when I heard what the name was I immediately thought of John Madden and football. My sister on the other hand immediately thought of Madden shoes.

I hate when people try to tell me that I'm not sick and that I'm just congested or suffering from allergies. Fuck you. I've got a whole pile of mucus filled tissues that say otherwise. Those people are the same people who think that girls don't fart they pass gas or they don't sweat they perspire. Please. I'm sick when I say I'm sick and that's the bottom line.

I think it's ironic when people say, 'you know what I'm talking about' after every sentence. Because half the time no one knows what they are talking about.

What to talk about freaky coincidences? Well on Tuesday it was 6-6-06 and the Los Angeles Angels played the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

As always the Twilight Zone appeared throughout the week. The weirdest example this week occurred at work when I was editing a book about algorithms just as the talk show host on the radio was talking about Al Gore.

Flying Follies

I left my apartment in Florida to go to the airport at 5:30 pm on Thursday night and arrived in my house on Friday morning at 5:30 am. I don't think that's how long it's supposed to take to go from Florida to New York.

The reason for our delay was that someone smelt an odor in the back of the plane that was making her sick. The pilot took precautionary measures and landed us in an abandoned airfield in Charlestown, South Carolina where we preceeded to spend the next five hours in an international flights holding area. I can't blame the pilot for choosing to be safe rather than sorry but if it was up to me I would have landed, kicked off the one person who smelt something, and proceeded to New York.

The delay may have been a blessing in disguise though because my mom didn't have to go to the airport at 11 pm to pick me up, I got a free round trip ticket for my troubles, and I met two really great people. A New York City doorman named Jimmy, who is a former NYC school teacher, and a South Beach saleswoman named Nicole who shares the same views on face lifts and boob jobs as I do. Talking with the two of them all night has inspired me to 'follow my heart' as Nicole said and 'never give up on my dreams' as Jimmy said.

Aside from making new friends the layover also allowed me time to come up with some comedic observations about flying:

If you can't bring a nail clipper on board why do they sell them in the gift shop?

I don't understand the point of asking someone at check in, "do you have any hazardous materials on you?" Like the person is really going to say, 'yeah, I have a couple of sticks of dynamite strapped to my chest and a shoe bomb on my right foot. Would you like to see?"

I don't know why they load the first class passengers on board first. The last thing in the world I would want if I was in first class would be to be sitting there while everyone else gets on board and gives me that look that says how the fuck did you get into first class.

My favorite pre boarding activity is people watching. First I check everyone out to see who I think might be the most likely terrorist on board. Then I look around to see who in the event of an emergency would be likely to help out. And if you ever see more potential terrorists than able bodied peopel it's time to switch flights.

I think it's pointless when they say that you can undo your seatbelt and move around the cabin. Um, newsflash assholes. There's no where to fucking move to. Where am I going? To the piano bar on the upper deck? Or maybe I thought I would stretch my legs on the indoor track.

Flights these days are high tec coming equipped with 30+ channels of DirectTV. However, when you're flying at 3 am there's nothing on! So, when I finally got back in the air last night I was able to watch Wings on A&E. Great, after spending 9 hours in an airport I get to watch a tv show about an airport.