Sunday, October 26, 2008
Issue #6
I'm too lazy to come up with issue #5, part two so instead I'm just going to move on to issue #6 which quite frankly might be my best issue ever. I mean how can it not be when it features a video that blames me for Barack Obama losing the election and the return of Nushuffle.com!!!! Plus a whole lot more from Halloween costume ideas to scathing editorials. Be sure to check it all out and as always let me know what you think.
Fringe Benefits
JJ Abrams has done it again. He's taken a former tv star in Joshua Jackson and revived his career just like he did with Matthew Fox when Fox became Dr. Jack Shephard on ABC's hit show Lost. Only this time he didn't make Jackson the star of the show. That distinction belongs to Anna Torv, a relative unknown, who plays Federal Agent Olivia Dunham. Dunham, Jackson's character Peter Bishop and his father Dr. Walter Bishop, who just spent 10 years locked up in an insane aslyum, come together to solve a series of crimes that all have one thing in common: they all involve weird occurrences that can be traced back to fringe science.
We're talking everything from reading the thoughts of someone whose been dead for six hours to turning someone into a human microwave. Which is where the comparisons to the X-Files get drawn. But to characterize the show as being something that only a true conspiracy theorist could love wouldn't be fair. It also has plenty of similarities to other shows.
Mostly, it reminds me of crime scene driven shows like CSI in which the characters on the show are given a different mystery to solve each week and have to use their intuition and scientific expertise to figure it out. That element of the show figures to draw in a larger audience than if it was just focused on the X-Files aspect to it but it can also lead to predictability because from here on out we know that every episode is going to be basically the same thing but with a different "pattern" related case to solve.
However, the creators of the show have done a great job so far of delving into larger story lines that destract from the episode specific plot. If their goal was to develop a plot that could engage their viewers while also making it possible to miss an episode and not miss a beat then they have succeeded. The characters, the plot, the CSIesque episodes, the Alias like double crosses, the Lost like mysteries, and the X files like sci fi element, all add up to make for the best new show of the Fall season.
Halloween Costume Ideas
Halloween is upon us which can only mean one thing...time to dress up like a whore!!! Or at least that's what every girl is going to be doing. But that doesn't help me much. Which begs the question what should I be for Halloween?
With everything that's going on with the economy I would love to go with a recession themed costume. I was thinking about going as a giant bucket to represent the bail out. Or perhaps paint myself gold and go as a golden parachute. But those ideas are about as bad as the decision to give out sub prime mortgages.
With everything that's going on with the economy I would love to go with a recession themed costume. I was thinking about going as a giant bucket to represent the bail out. Or perhaps paint myself gold and go as a golden parachute. But those ideas are about as bad as the decision to give out sub prime mortgages.
So I've moved onto my number two choice which is to go as Sarah Palin. Which is pretty much what everyone in the free world is also going to be doing. Heck, even Lindsay Lohan has said that she'll be going as Palin. Maybe a throw everyone a curveball then and go as Lindsay. Shouldn't be too hard to pull off. I'd just go around all night acting drunk.
Speaking of acting, I was also thinking about going as Dr. House. That way I could just walk around with a cane and act like a total ass to everyone, making pithy comments to my heart's content. But if I did that then Halloween would just be like every other day of my life and that wouldn't be any fun.
Which leaves?!??!?! You tell me. What should I be for Halloween?
Should I rock the Palin costume?
Shame(s) on You: Brian Cashman
There are a lot of things that don't make sense. Such as Alex Rodriguez leaving his hot wife for a 50 year old anorexic version of Madonna. Or the Tampa Bay Rays appearing in the World Series one year after finishing with the worst record in baseball. But nothing makes less sense than New York Yankees GM Brian Cashman, not only keeping his job after a year in which the Yankees failed to make the playoffs, but actually parlaying his performance into a three year extension.
Need I remind everyone that the Yankees haven't won the World Series in 8 years. And when they were winning it was because of the foundation that had been built by Gene "Stick" Michael and Bob Watson. Cashman has been riding their coattails for a close to a decade now with nothing to show for it but a littany of bloated contracts, free agent busts, and failed expectations.
What bothers me about this is that Cashman's own ego is to blame for the rapid descend from dynasty to laughingstock. His decision to not trade for SP Johan Santana last off season was not based on the notion that Santana was about to decline nor was it based on a belief that players like Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy, and Melky Cabrera were about to become stars. It was made solely because Cashman wanted to shed the "evil empire" label and proove to the World that he could win with a team filled with homegrown talent. Talent that he assembled. Moreover that he could win without having to go out and buy superstars from other organizations. Sure, winning 4 World Series Titles in 5 years in the late 90's was great. But doing it again, from the ground up and without having to outspend other teams would be even better.
Cashman even admitted to this line of thinking in his media session to announce his contract extension saying that while he may have been tempted to leave he didn't want to go and leave doubt about his legacy. He knew that if he left he would have received little credit for the Yankees success in the late 90's and almost all of the blame for their recent failures even if they weren't all his fault. So he decided to stay and see his vision through. And while that's commendable it also exposes a flaw in his logic.
To succeed in baseball or anywhere for that matter you have to have the courage of your convictions. You can't care about what other people think about you or about what other people say about you. And you sure as hell can't worry about your legacy. Any time you make a decision based on how other people perceive you it's game over. You've already lost. And no amount of championships won from here on out can ever change that.
How is this man still employed?
Need I remind everyone that the Yankees haven't won the World Series in 8 years. And when they were winning it was because of the foundation that had been built by Gene "Stick" Michael and Bob Watson. Cashman has been riding their coattails for a close to a decade now with nothing to show for it but a littany of bloated contracts, free agent busts, and failed expectations.
What bothers me about this is that Cashman's own ego is to blame for the rapid descend from dynasty to laughingstock. His decision to not trade for SP Johan Santana last off season was not based on the notion that Santana was about to decline nor was it based on a belief that players like Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy, and Melky Cabrera were about to become stars. It was made solely because Cashman wanted to shed the "evil empire" label and proove to the World that he could win with a team filled with homegrown talent. Talent that he assembled. Moreover that he could win without having to go out and buy superstars from other organizations. Sure, winning 4 World Series Titles in 5 years in the late 90's was great. But doing it again, from the ground up and without having to outspend other teams would be even better.
Cashman even admitted to this line of thinking in his media session to announce his contract extension saying that while he may have been tempted to leave he didn't want to go and leave doubt about his legacy. He knew that if he left he would have received little credit for the Yankees success in the late 90's and almost all of the blame for their recent failures even if they weren't all his fault. So he decided to stay and see his vision through. And while that's commendable it also exposes a flaw in his logic.
To succeed in baseball or anywhere for that matter you have to have the courage of your convictions. You can't care about what other people think about you or about what other people say about you. And you sure as hell can't worry about your legacy. Any time you make a decision based on how other people perceive you it's game over. You've already lost. And no amount of championships won from here on out can ever change that.
How is this man still employed?
Nushuffle.com Lives!!!!
When I went to college at Northeastern University I had one goal in mind: to met new people and come out of my shell. I was able to do just that by getting involved in student activities and eventually found myself as one of the top student leaders on campus. However, my once promising career as a future school administrator took a precipitious downturn when I met a group of students who were apathetic to say the least. They opened up my eyes to the real Northeastern and eventually they decided to launch a parody website similar in style to the onion that would show students what Northeastern was really all about. That site, nushuffle.com, while short lived will be remembered forever by alumni of NU.
It eventually got shut down but just recently one of the founders of the site was able to archive the back issues. Check out the greatest thing to come out of Northeastern since Napster by clicking on the links below.
http://web.archive.org/web/*/http://nushuffle.com
http://web.archive.org/web/*/http://forum.nushuffle.com
But before you do here's a sample article that I wrote for the site entitled, "student centered?"...
Northeastern officials always maintain that the student is at the heart of everything they do. The motto, "student-centered and practice-oriented" personifies the belief that without these blue-collar, hard working students, Northeastern wouldn't be in the position it is today to move up in the U.S. News and World Report rankings. But the rhetoric that's coming from the University President is painting a different picture.
In the May 28th edition of the Northeastern News, President Freeland graced us with his Top Ten List for 2003. As predicted, the list contained all of the president's favorite rankings from U.S. News to BusinessWeek. It also touched upon the great academic achievements of the incoming freshman class and praised the new additions to campus such as the Behrakis Health Sciences Center.
It eventually got shut down but just recently one of the founders of the site was able to archive the back issues. Check out the greatest thing to come out of Northeastern since Napster by clicking on the links below.
http://web.archive.org/web/*/http://nushuffle.com
http://web.archive.org/web/*/http://forum.nushuffle.com
But before you do here's a sample article that I wrote for the site entitled, "student centered?"...
Northeastern officials always maintain that the student is at the heart of everything they do. The motto, "student-centered and practice-oriented" personifies the belief that without these blue-collar, hard working students, Northeastern wouldn't be in the position it is today to move up in the U.S. News and World Report rankings. But the rhetoric that's coming from the University President is painting a different picture.
In the May 28th edition of the Northeastern News, President Freeland graced us with his Top Ten List for 2003. As predicted, the list contained all of the president's favorite rankings from U.S. News to BusinessWeek. It also touched upon the great academic achievements of the incoming freshman class and praised the new additions to campus such as the Behrakis Health Sciences Center.
However, conspicuous by it's absence on this list was any mention of students.
With Northeastern relying so heavily on student-based tuition payments to afford those aforementioned campus improvements, it's a little odd that the University president would fail to mention the accomplishments of the university's lifeline. It's about time Freeland and the rest of the suits in the administration got their heads out of their asses and opened their eyes to the real Northeastern.
How about instead of trying to knock down the African American Institute to build West Village Z, taking the time to reflect on the accomplishments of this staple of campus life. If the Freeland Administration only took the time, they would realize that the AAI celebrated its 35th anniversary this year and have helped to make Northeastern the center of diversity that it's brochures claim it to be.
What about a mention of SGA's groundbreaking achievement of getting the Student Activities Fee Referendum passed? Having over one million dollars to plan programs and events with next year will improve Northeastern's campus life ten-fold. That's something that should make Freeland happy, but after reading his Top Ten List you wouldn't have known it.
With Northeastern relying so heavily on student-based tuition payments to afford those aforementioned campus improvements, it's a little odd that the University president would fail to mention the accomplishments of the university's lifeline. It's about time Freeland and the rest of the suits in the administration got their heads out of their asses and opened their eyes to the real Northeastern.
How about instead of trying to knock down the African American Institute to build West Village Z, taking the time to reflect on the accomplishments of this staple of campus life. If the Freeland Administration only took the time, they would realize that the AAI celebrated its 35th anniversary this year and have helped to make Northeastern the center of diversity that it's brochures claim it to be.
What about a mention of SGA's groundbreaking achievement of getting the Student Activities Fee Referendum passed? Having over one million dollars to plan programs and events with next year will improve Northeastern's campus life ten-fold. That's something that should make Freeland happy, but after reading his Top Ten List you wouldn't have known it.
Or what about a shout out to all of the students that give up their free time for extra curricular activities like the Northeastern News or for student groups. Those students have worked around the clock, taking their respective groups to new heights and yet if you only got your information from Freeland you wouldn't even know they existed.
In fact if you lived in a bubble and relied on the administration to get a feel for what Northeastern was all about, you would think that the campus only consisted of state of the art flat screen Dell computers, operated by award winning landscapers, inside a recently renovated library, that sits adjacent to the new residence halls, that help attract incoming students, to a school that's number one in co-op.
But the last time I checked you needed students to live in the residence halls and operate the computers and go on co-op. Without students there wouldn't be a Northeastern and yet they're treated like statistics and not real people. The legandary NU shuffle is the perfect example of the mistreatment of students. Customer Service is a joke because Northeastern doesn't really care about the students. They could care less if students transfer because they know that as long as the campus looks pretty, some other unassuming sap out of high school will jump at the chance to go on co-op. The bottom line is that a school can survive without being student-centered if it is practice-oriented.
The NU shuffle will always live on and Northeastern will probably never be a student-centered institution. We all know that and have now grown accustomed to it. I have now been numbed to it all. But when the university president tries to take credit for the students' accomplishments without recognizing them, then that's where I get upset. So Freeland, why don't you leave the Top Ten Lists to Letterman and get back to watering the flowers.
My arch rival nemesis
Is Bush the Worst President Ever?
With election day right around the corner I think it's important to reflect back on the last eight years so that we can successfuly move forward. So to help me do that I've dipped into the archives to bring back an article that I wrote previously about the Bush administration. It was on February 23rd, 2006 that I published a post entitled "Bushwhacked" that listed some of the 'highlights' from the Bush Administration to date. Here is some of what I wrote:
"Shadily becomes President despite losing the popular vote after the hanging chad fiscal in Florida. A state governed by his brother Jeb by the way.
9/11 attacks occur under his watch and after getting informed of the attacks does nothing for ten minutes while continuing to read to first graders in Florida.
Goes after Saddam Hussein just to one up his dad who was never able to get him out of power during the Gulf War.
Congress and the public are deceived to believe that Saddam Hussein has access to WMD's.
Claims victory in Iraq on board an aircraft carrier. Death toll has steadily climbed ever since.
Abu Ghraib prison scandal with allegations of abuse towards detainees including desecration of the Koran.
Thousands of detainees held in Guantanamo Bay prison with more allegations of mistreatment.
Reports of secret CIA prisons throughout Europe.
The horrible national response to Katrina where thousands were left for dead in New Orleans.
Bush himself admitting that he invaded Iraq because God told him to. Keep in mind that people who usually hold conversations with God are locked away in mental institutions and yet Bush is still the President.
And now as Iraq is about to plummet into a Civil War word comes out that he didn't even know about the deal that would give up control of six major U.S. ports (including New York, Baltimore, Miami and New Orleans) to an Middle Eastern firm until after it was finalized. Could someone please explain to me how this man is still the President of the United States?"
I've been thinking about this post lately as I get ready to cast my vote because I think that it's obvious that change is needed in this country. Just think about all of those things that I mentioned a few years ago and then go ahead and add the recession that we're about to enter into on top of all those other things. It truly is amazing that we could go from a hegemony, a true world power, with an economic surplus, to a country that's in a recession, fighting a war in Iraq that we can't win, all the while losing our place as a World Leader.
Maybe there have been Presidents who have been worse but I think you would be hard pressed to find one that has done this much damage in such a short period of time. My only hope at this point is that Bush doesn't get inspired by NYC Mayor Bloomberg and try to change the term limits to three terms.
"Shadily becomes President despite losing the popular vote after the hanging chad fiscal in Florida. A state governed by his brother Jeb by the way.
9/11 attacks occur under his watch and after getting informed of the attacks does nothing for ten minutes while continuing to read to first graders in Florida.
Goes after Saddam Hussein just to one up his dad who was never able to get him out of power during the Gulf War.
Congress and the public are deceived to believe that Saddam Hussein has access to WMD's.
Claims victory in Iraq on board an aircraft carrier. Death toll has steadily climbed ever since.
Abu Ghraib prison scandal with allegations of abuse towards detainees including desecration of the Koran.
Thousands of detainees held in Guantanamo Bay prison with more allegations of mistreatment.
Reports of secret CIA prisons throughout Europe.
The horrible national response to Katrina where thousands were left for dead in New Orleans.
Bush himself admitting that he invaded Iraq because God told him to. Keep in mind that people who usually hold conversations with God are locked away in mental institutions and yet Bush is still the President.
And now as Iraq is about to plummet into a Civil War word comes out that he didn't even know about the deal that would give up control of six major U.S. ports (including New York, Baltimore, Miami and New Orleans) to an Middle Eastern firm until after it was finalized. Could someone please explain to me how this man is still the President of the United States?"
I've been thinking about this post lately as I get ready to cast my vote because I think that it's obvious that change is needed in this country. Just think about all of those things that I mentioned a few years ago and then go ahead and add the recession that we're about to enter into on top of all those other things. It truly is amazing that we could go from a hegemony, a true world power, with an economic surplus, to a country that's in a recession, fighting a war in Iraq that we can't win, all the while losing our place as a World Leader.
Maybe there have been Presidents who have been worse but I think you would be hard pressed to find one that has done this much damage in such a short period of time. My only hope at this point is that Bush doesn't get inspired by NYC Mayor Bloomberg and try to change the term limits to three terms.
Obama's Loss Traced To Shames
Check out this breaking news story from CNNBC that says that I'm the reason Obama loses to McCain!!!!
http://www.cnnbcvideo.com/index.html?nid=_9rOXjOqQYTAHCYpAL2A3TM5NDIyNzE-&referred_by=11268150-1Tjoqdx
http://www.cnnbcvideo.com/index.html?nid=_9rOXjOqQYTAHCYpAL2A3TM5NDIyNzE-&referred_by=11268150-1Tjoqdx
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Issue #5, Part One
Well, Summer has come and gone and that can only mean one thing. Time for another exciting issue of everyone's favorite blog!!! Unfortunately my laziness has reached new heights and for the first time in the history of the blog I won't have a girlfriend of the week/month. Not yet at least.
In order to keep the streak alive let's just call this issue #5, part one. Eventually, I'll bring myself to finishing it by adding in the girlfriend of the month feature as well as a few other articles. But for now I have three articles to release to the masses including my rant about cell phones that I think you're going to like.
Enjoy. And if anyone has suggestions on who they want to see as the girlfriend of the month let me know.
In order to keep the streak alive let's just call this issue #5, part one. Eventually, I'll bring myself to finishing it by adding in the girlfriend of the month feature as well as a few other articles. But for now I have three articles to release to the masses including my rant about cell phones that I think you're going to like.
Enjoy. And if anyone has suggestions on who they want to see as the girlfriend of the month let me know.
From A to Z
Here's a look at all the things causing my insomnia:
America's Best Dance Crew is the greatest show on tv and I'm not afraid to admit it.
Bob Saget. You know Comedy Central is desperate when they decide to roast Bob Saget. Still was hilarious though. The line of the night belongs to Jeffrey Ross (see, D) who said that Full House should have been renamed BlackJack because Saget starting hitting on the Olsen Twins when they turned 8 and didn't stop until they were 21.
Californication!!!!! Any show that can make David Duchovny seem cool deserves an Emmy.
Dancing with the Stars just announced their new cast. And the World'd Greatest Comedian Jeffrey Ross is in it. Doesn't get much better than that.
Eagle Eye. The greatest movie of all time. You heard it here first.
Fringe. Anything made by JJ Abrams is worth checking out. Cloverfield aside.
Generation Kill. Think Band of Brothers during the war in Iraq. Too bad it's seven episode run is already over.
Heroes. Villains. Still watching.
Investing. As in the $760 that I just "invested" in the fantasy football season. Anyone want to invest in clinical help for me??!
Jdate. Still hate it.
Knicks. Still suck.
Lost! Where are you? Come back!
McCain. If he wins I'm moving to Canada. Or at least Hoboken.
NFL Predictions. Cowboys over the Patriots in the Superbowl.
Olympics are finally over!!! Woo hoo!!! Now I can go back to watching reality tv!
Phelps, Michael. Greatest Olympian ever? Greatest Athlete ever?
Que Pasa?
Rays of Tampa. They deserve a lot of credit for continuing to win in spite of injuries to two of their best players in Carl Crawford and Evan Longoria. Far cry from the Yankees who bitch about losing because of their insignificant injuries.
Summer's almost over! Holy shit where did it go?
The Dark Night. I haven't seen a movie with that many endings since True Lies. Still very good though. Or is that just all the hype talking?
Umbrellas. If I see one more person using an oversized umbrella that takes up the whole width of the sidewalk I'm going to snap.
Visit to Cooperstown this coming weekend - stay tuned for all the details.
Watercube. Quite possibly the coolest sporting venue in the entire world. Apologies to Shea Stadium.
Xavier Nady. Newest Yankee makes the blog because I needed something with an X to talk about. Could really care less about him though.
Yankees - I haven't seen a bigger waste of space since the last time I looked in the mirror. Shame to end Yankee Stadium like this.
Zzzz- is anyone still reading this?
America's Best Dance Crew is the greatest show on tv and I'm not afraid to admit it.
Bob Saget. You know Comedy Central is desperate when they decide to roast Bob Saget. Still was hilarious though. The line of the night belongs to Jeffrey Ross (see, D) who said that Full House should have been renamed BlackJack because Saget starting hitting on the Olsen Twins when they turned 8 and didn't stop until they were 21.
Californication!!!!! Any show that can make David Duchovny seem cool deserves an Emmy.
Dancing with the Stars just announced their new cast. And the World'd Greatest Comedian Jeffrey Ross is in it. Doesn't get much better than that.
Eagle Eye. The greatest movie of all time. You heard it here first.
Fringe. Anything made by JJ Abrams is worth checking out. Cloverfield aside.
Generation Kill. Think Band of Brothers during the war in Iraq. Too bad it's seven episode run is already over.
Heroes. Villains. Still watching.
Investing. As in the $760 that I just "invested" in the fantasy football season. Anyone want to invest in clinical help for me??!
Jdate. Still hate it.
Knicks. Still suck.
Lost! Where are you? Come back!
McCain. If he wins I'm moving to Canada. Or at least Hoboken.
NFL Predictions. Cowboys over the Patriots in the Superbowl.
Olympics are finally over!!! Woo hoo!!! Now I can go back to watching reality tv!
Phelps, Michael. Greatest Olympian ever? Greatest Athlete ever?
Que Pasa?
Rays of Tampa. They deserve a lot of credit for continuing to win in spite of injuries to two of their best players in Carl Crawford and Evan Longoria. Far cry from the Yankees who bitch about losing because of their insignificant injuries.
Summer's almost over! Holy shit where did it go?
The Dark Night. I haven't seen a movie with that many endings since True Lies. Still very good though. Or is that just all the hype talking?
Umbrellas. If I see one more person using an oversized umbrella that takes up the whole width of the sidewalk I'm going to snap.
Visit to Cooperstown this coming weekend - stay tuned for all the details.
Watercube. Quite possibly the coolest sporting venue in the entire world. Apologies to Shea Stadium.
Xavier Nady. Newest Yankee makes the blog because I needed something with an X to talk about. Could really care less about him though.
Yankees - I haven't seen a bigger waste of space since the last time I looked in the mirror. Shame to end Yankee Stadium like this.
Zzzz- is anyone still reading this?
The Real Olympics
Michael Phelps swam. Usain Bolt ran. The redeem team found redemption. The men's volleyball team triumphed over tragedy. And in between, amongst the Tibetian protestors and communist supporters, under the watchful eye of the entire world, amidst age altering allegations and suspicions of steriod use, athletes competed, medals were won, and world domination was acheived. Yada, yada, yada. Who really cares other than the executives at NBC who sat on a cash cow for 2 weeks? Not me, that's for sure.
The Olympics are a lot like the really hot, high maintenance, superficial girl in the corner of the bar. Sure she looks really good and saying that you got with her would make all of your friends envious but is it ultimately worth going through all the trouble? Three weeks ago no one had even heard of Shawn Johnson and two years from now no one is going to remember who the hell she is.
But there's a solution out there. Make the Olympics more relatable to the common man. Why force feed us a mundane event like ping pong when you can set up a beer pong tournament? Marathoning? Boring!!! Instead introduce Olympic power walking. Olympians start out at the entrance to a subway station located one mile away from their office and have to make it there in under ten minutes without running and without bumping into any pedestrians.
Rowing? No thanks. I'd rather watch subway surfing in which participants have to retain their balance on the express train without holding onto anything. Degree of difficulty points added on for completing the New York Times crossword puzzle.
And while we're at it can we please add in competive eating events. No one is going to sit by their tv on a beautiful summer night and watch the uneven bars but I'm willing to bet that millions of people would pass up a stroll on the board walk to watch a bunch of fat guys eat. I can picture it now. Ten fat guys walk into an all you can eat buffet. One man waddles out with a gold medal and unparaleled pride. The other 9 walk out with a fortune cookie and roll of toilet paper. Now that's must see tv.
The Olympics are a lot like the really hot, high maintenance, superficial girl in the corner of the bar. Sure she looks really good and saying that you got with her would make all of your friends envious but is it ultimately worth going through all the trouble? Three weeks ago no one had even heard of Shawn Johnson and two years from now no one is going to remember who the hell she is.
But there's a solution out there. Make the Olympics more relatable to the common man. Why force feed us a mundane event like ping pong when you can set up a beer pong tournament? Marathoning? Boring!!! Instead introduce Olympic power walking. Olympians start out at the entrance to a subway station located one mile away from their office and have to make it there in under ten minutes without running and without bumping into any pedestrians.
Rowing? No thanks. I'd rather watch subway surfing in which participants have to retain their balance on the express train without holding onto anything. Degree of difficulty points added on for completing the New York Times crossword puzzle.
And while we're at it can we please add in competive eating events. No one is going to sit by their tv on a beautiful summer night and watch the uneven bars but I'm willing to bet that millions of people would pass up a stroll on the board walk to watch a bunch of fat guys eat. I can picture it now. Ten fat guys walk into an all you can eat buffet. One man waddles out with a gold medal and unparaleled pride. The other 9 walk out with a fortune cookie and roll of toilet paper. Now that's must see tv.
Shame(s) on You: Obessive Cell Phone Checkers
You've got mail. And it says that you're a douchebag.
That's right I'm talking about you Mr. Compulsive Cell Phone Checker Guy. And you Mrs. Oh My God I Just Have To Check My Phone Every Five Minutes Or I'm Gonna Like Die.
Get over yourselves. You're not that important. In fact, you're about as useful as NATO during an international conflict. You like to give off the appearance that you're important. But when it comes down to it no one gives a shit. So just stop checking your cell phone or PDA every two minutes. I promise you that you that your $2.78 Ebay bid for that Hannah Montana action figure will still be there when you get back home.
Now, I'll admit that I have an obsessive personality. I can't sleep the night before a softball game, I google myself at least once a week, I think that I actually have a shot with Brittany Snow, and I think constantly about my fantasy teams including to the point where I said to myself during my car accident "oh no, if I die whose going to check my fantasy baseball team?" And yet not even I am at the point where I check my phone every five minutes. Just every seven minutes. Which is clearly a reasonable amount of time. Everyone else on the other hand is going way overboard.
For example, here's a look at a few people obsessed with checking their phones:
Garbage man hanging onto the back of the truck with one hand presumably while checking myspace pictures of his weekend trip to the Jersey Shore.
Cashier at Taco Bell setting up a late night booty call instead of helping customers. I know that Taco Bell is at the bottom of the fast food totem poll but I expected more even from them.
Girl, not more than 9 years old, checking her phone while riding her bike. Most likely to set up a date later that night with a 43 year old man from Myspace.
Business woman in the elevator at work who missed her floor because she was busy looking at her phone. Presumably she spent half her lunch break just riding up and down in the elevator.
And the most egregious example of all. A guy sitting on a train station bench with two girls lying across his lap, one on each side of him, and instead of doing what any normal guy would do, he paid no attention to them, and instead checked his phone.
When I went to the Mets game last weekend I half expected to see Mets' shortstop Jose Reyes field ground balls while talking on this phone, something that I've personally seen the World's greatest softball player Rob Roll, do with relative ease.
But that's besides the point. The point is that you're all a bunch of annoying douchebags. I long for the days when I could take a dump in a public restroom and not hear the person next to me furiously typing away on their blackberry. I'd much rather hear them get rid of the chili they just had for lunch.
Can you hear me now? Biatches.
That's right I'm talking about you Mr. Compulsive Cell Phone Checker Guy. And you Mrs. Oh My God I Just Have To Check My Phone Every Five Minutes Or I'm Gonna Like Die.
Get over yourselves. You're not that important. In fact, you're about as useful as NATO during an international conflict. You like to give off the appearance that you're important. But when it comes down to it no one gives a shit. So just stop checking your cell phone or PDA every two minutes. I promise you that you that your $2.78 Ebay bid for that Hannah Montana action figure will still be there when you get back home.
Now, I'll admit that I have an obsessive personality. I can't sleep the night before a softball game, I google myself at least once a week, I think that I actually have a shot with Brittany Snow, and I think constantly about my fantasy teams including to the point where I said to myself during my car accident "oh no, if I die whose going to check my fantasy baseball team?" And yet not even I am at the point where I check my phone every five minutes. Just every seven minutes. Which is clearly a reasonable amount of time. Everyone else on the other hand is going way overboard.
For example, here's a look at a few people obsessed with checking their phones:
Garbage man hanging onto the back of the truck with one hand presumably while checking myspace pictures of his weekend trip to the Jersey Shore.
Cashier at Taco Bell setting up a late night booty call instead of helping customers. I know that Taco Bell is at the bottom of the fast food totem poll but I expected more even from them.
Girl, not more than 9 years old, checking her phone while riding her bike. Most likely to set up a date later that night with a 43 year old man from Myspace.
Business woman in the elevator at work who missed her floor because she was busy looking at her phone. Presumably she spent half her lunch break just riding up and down in the elevator.
And the most egregious example of all. A guy sitting on a train station bench with two girls lying across his lap, one on each side of him, and instead of doing what any normal guy would do, he paid no attention to them, and instead checked his phone.
When I went to the Mets game last weekend I half expected to see Mets' shortstop Jose Reyes field ground balls while talking on this phone, something that I've personally seen the World's greatest softball player Rob Roll, do with relative ease.
But that's besides the point. The point is that you're all a bunch of annoying douchebags. I long for the days when I could take a dump in a public restroom and not hear the person next to me furiously typing away on their blackberry. I'd much rather hear them get rid of the chili they just had for lunch.
Can you hear me now? Biatches.
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
I hate in when someone names their kid after them. Don't they know they are sending their kid into a future destined with thousands of mail mixups and social security screw ups? If they hate their kid that much they should just name them after inanimate objects or pieces of fruit. Oh wait they're doing that too.
I recently thought about joining eharmony but never went through with it because I couldn't get through their screening questionaire. I think thats how they should pair people up though. Get everyone who was too lazy to even finish the questionaire and start making matches out of those people!
I'm thinking about deleting my myspace account and making a new one just so that I can become one of those cool new people.
Having the tivo like ability to rewind something that you missed and watch it again is such a luxury. How great would it be if you could do that in real life.? The other day I got into the elevator at work and just missed what I thought was an interesting tidbit on the elevator entertainment screen. I was so interested in reading that tidbit that I just stayed on the elevator until the messages on the screen started to repeat themselves!! But if there was tivo for real life I could have avoided having to do that!!!
Last weekend my friend Rob said, "Yo, I haven't been done there in a minute." To him that meant he hadn't been there in a while. To me it meant that he was just there. When did the word "minute" come to mean a long time? Isn't a minute a short period of time? Pop culture makes no sense.
How come milk has a different sell by date if sold in NYC than if sold on Long Island? If I buy a carton of milk on Long Island and bring it into NYC will it turn bad sooner?I hate in when someone names their kid after them. Don't they know they are sending their kid into a future destined with thousands of mail mixups and social security screw ups? If they hate their kid that much they should just name them after inanimate objects or pieces of fruit. Oh wait they're doing that too.
I recently thought about joining eharmony but never went through with it because I couldn't get through their screening questionaire. I think thats how they should pair people up though. Get everyone who was too lazy to even finish the questionaire and start making matches out of those people!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Issue #4: Wide World of Sports
The blog is back and this time I'm focusing on all things sport related. I rant and rave about the greatness that is Josh Hamilton, I discuss my obsession with fantasy sports, and instead of a girlfriend of the month I have a top ten list of the hottest girls in sports today. And no Chyna did not make the cut. So enjoy and try to keep the hate mail to a minimum. I get enough of that in my fantasy leagues.
The Natural
The year was 1999. I was still in high school which meant that I was most likely spending my time writing articles for the Sider Press that nobody was going to read, hiding love letters in bottles of shampoo for my girlfriend, or trying to watch wrestling pay per views through my scrambled tv set. Meanwhile Josh Hamtilon, star of this year's Homerun Derby, was getting selected by the aptly named Tampa Bay Devil Rays as the #1 overall pick in that year's amateur draft. Aptly named because the devil within would soon find Hamilton and derail his path to the majors.
For those of you who aren't in the know the story of Josh Hamilton aka the natural is really quite amazing. Young, rich and with plenty of time on his hands while rehabbing an injury in the minor leagues he fell into a hard partying life style that nearly took his life. Suspended from baseball it looked like Hamilton was going to be the greatest bust of all time instead of the greatest player of all time like he was supposed to be.
But somehow he was able to battle all the way back, got himself reinstated into baseball after proving that he was clean, and got selected by the Cincinnatti Reds in the Rule 5 draft a couple of years ago. He made the team out of spring training, had a good season, and then got traded to the Texas Rangers in the off season. Since then he's taken the league by storm, tallying 95 rbis by the all star break, and heading into Yankee Stadium as the odds on favorite to win the HR Derby.
And while it was fairly obvious that Hamilton was going to steal the show no one could have expected him to etch his name into Yankee Stadium lore. But that's exactly what he did last Monday night. Fifty years from now when people talk about the House that Ruth Built there's a good chance that they'll still be talking about Hamilton's power display. And having witnessed that display first hand all I can say is wow.
The derby is a cool event to go to if you ever get the chance. You get to watch all the all stars from both leagues taking batting practice, there's a free mini concert (Three Doors Down), and then 8 guys hit long homeruns that you can ooh and aah over. And if that's all that had happened and Josh Hamilton had never participated I still would have went home a satisified customer.
But this was more than a cool event. This was a moment. The kind of moment where time seems to stand still. Where you actually realize that you're about to become a part of history. Where the hair on your arm stands up and you get goose bumps all over your body. That kind of moment where you think to yourself, "okay now I can die happy". Or as I thought to myself, "so this must be what sex feels like". Yea, it was that kind of moment. And words can't do it justice. No matter how hard Chris Berman surely tried.
From the House that Ruth Built to the House that Hamilton Tore Down.
For those of you who aren't in the know the story of Josh Hamilton aka the natural is really quite amazing. Young, rich and with plenty of time on his hands while rehabbing an injury in the minor leagues he fell into a hard partying life style that nearly took his life. Suspended from baseball it looked like Hamilton was going to be the greatest bust of all time instead of the greatest player of all time like he was supposed to be.
But somehow he was able to battle all the way back, got himself reinstated into baseball after proving that he was clean, and got selected by the Cincinnatti Reds in the Rule 5 draft a couple of years ago. He made the team out of spring training, had a good season, and then got traded to the Texas Rangers in the off season. Since then he's taken the league by storm, tallying 95 rbis by the all star break, and heading into Yankee Stadium as the odds on favorite to win the HR Derby.
And while it was fairly obvious that Hamilton was going to steal the show no one could have expected him to etch his name into Yankee Stadium lore. But that's exactly what he did last Monday night. Fifty years from now when people talk about the House that Ruth Built there's a good chance that they'll still be talking about Hamilton's power display. And having witnessed that display first hand all I can say is wow.
The derby is a cool event to go to if you ever get the chance. You get to watch all the all stars from both leagues taking batting practice, there's a free mini concert (Three Doors Down), and then 8 guys hit long homeruns that you can ooh and aah over. And if that's all that had happened and Josh Hamilton had never participated I still would have went home a satisified customer.
But this was more than a cool event. This was a moment. The kind of moment where time seems to stand still. Where you actually realize that you're about to become a part of history. Where the hair on your arm stands up and you get goose bumps all over your body. That kind of moment where you think to yourself, "okay now I can die happy". Or as I thought to myself, "so this must be what sex feels like". Yea, it was that kind of moment. And words can't do it justice. No matter how hard Chris Berman surely tried.
From the House that Ruth Built to the House that Hamilton Tore Down.
My Greatest Sports Moments
The Home Run Derby last monday night was by far the best sporting event that I have ever been to. That's a bold statement and as someone in my fantasy baseball league said "you're either trying to justify the price you paid for the tickets or you haven't been to many sporting events." And while both of those statements may be true there's no denying that Josh Hamilton's hitting display is something that I will never forget. For those 30 minutes or so that Hamilton was hitting moonshot after moonshot I can honestly say that I had never had more fun in my life at a sporting event.
There's just something about screaming at the top of your lungs with total strangers, chanting someone's name with 55,000 of your new best friends, that lends itself to an unforgettable moment. At one point the hot dog vendor even put down his tray and watched a homerun that almost went out of Yankee Stadium! He then turned to me and asked did that go out? We then stood there talking about Mickey Mantle and other great Yankee players that he's had the chance to watch in all his years hawking hot dogs and he said to me he's never seen someone hit the ball like Hamilton. Anytime you can talk baseball with a hot dog vendor whose seen it all that's a good night.
Now here's a look at some of my other memorable sporting event moments:
#2. Rioting in the streets of Boston: I have a friend who loves to riot. He would literally travel to a city if he thinks they have a chance to win a national championship just so that he can take part in their riot as witnessed by his trek up to Syracuse, NY when Carmelo Anthony led the Orangemen to prominence. But even he would admit that's there something special about a riot when it happens in your own city. Luckily for me I was in Boston when the Patriots won the Super Bowl over the St. Louis Rams in dramatic fashion on a last second field goal by Adam Vinateiri and suffice it to say pandamonium ensued. Newspaper stands were kicked over, fireworks were set off, boobies were flashed, cars were flipped, heck even a bus was flipped. The city of Boston was nearly destroyed and it was awesome. At least it was until the riot police showed up and started shooting rubber bullets at people while deploying tear gas. Nonetheless it was unforgettable night.
#3. Playing basketball at Madison Square Garden: When I was at Northeastern I did a co-op assignment for MSG networks one summer. During which I got the chance to play basketball in the World's Most Famous Arena in a tournament for Garden employees. This was a special moment because playing on the Garden floor used to mean something before Isiah Thomas came along and fucked it all up. It still means something to a lot of people and it meant something to me then. To not only be on the same floor that Patrick Ewing and John Starks used to play on but to actually get to play in an organized game was something that I will never forget. Although I'm trying to forget that we lost 21-3 to a bunch of ringers who supposedly worked at the concession stands.
4. My encounter with Mike Timlin: It pains me to say this but one of my greatest sports moments occurred at Fenway Park. I actually got to go down on the field and meet some of the players during a Fan Appreciation Event prior to a game I was attending. At the time I had this really crazy haircut. I looked like a cross between a chia pet and a troll doll. So it shouldn't have surprised me that someone on the Red Sox would take a cheap shot at me. And of course veteran relief pitcher Mike Timlin took the bait coming up to me and saying, "hey man, nice hair. And here I thought Johnny Damon had a bad haircut." Damon by the way was sporting a caveman/Jesus Christ look at the time.
There's just something about screaming at the top of your lungs with total strangers, chanting someone's name with 55,000 of your new best friends, that lends itself to an unforgettable moment. At one point the hot dog vendor even put down his tray and watched a homerun that almost went out of Yankee Stadium! He then turned to me and asked did that go out? We then stood there talking about Mickey Mantle and other great Yankee players that he's had the chance to watch in all his years hawking hot dogs and he said to me he's never seen someone hit the ball like Hamilton. Anytime you can talk baseball with a hot dog vendor whose seen it all that's a good night.
Now here's a look at some of my other memorable sporting event moments:
#2. Rioting in the streets of Boston: I have a friend who loves to riot. He would literally travel to a city if he thinks they have a chance to win a national championship just so that he can take part in their riot as witnessed by his trek up to Syracuse, NY when Carmelo Anthony led the Orangemen to prominence. But even he would admit that's there something special about a riot when it happens in your own city. Luckily for me I was in Boston when the Patriots won the Super Bowl over the St. Louis Rams in dramatic fashion on a last second field goal by Adam Vinateiri and suffice it to say pandamonium ensued. Newspaper stands were kicked over, fireworks were set off, boobies were flashed, cars were flipped, heck even a bus was flipped. The city of Boston was nearly destroyed and it was awesome. At least it was until the riot police showed up and started shooting rubber bullets at people while deploying tear gas. Nonetheless it was unforgettable night.
#3. Playing basketball at Madison Square Garden: When I was at Northeastern I did a co-op assignment for MSG networks one summer. During which I got the chance to play basketball in the World's Most Famous Arena in a tournament for Garden employees. This was a special moment because playing on the Garden floor used to mean something before Isiah Thomas came along and fucked it all up. It still means something to a lot of people and it meant something to me then. To not only be on the same floor that Patrick Ewing and John Starks used to play on but to actually get to play in an organized game was something that I will never forget. Although I'm trying to forget that we lost 21-3 to a bunch of ringers who supposedly worked at the concession stands.
4. My encounter with Mike Timlin: It pains me to say this but one of my greatest sports moments occurred at Fenway Park. I actually got to go down on the field and meet some of the players during a Fan Appreciation Event prior to a game I was attending. At the time I had this really crazy haircut. I looked like a cross between a chia pet and a troll doll. So it shouldn't have surprised me that someone on the Red Sox would take a cheap shot at me. And of course veteran relief pitcher Mike Timlin took the bait coming up to me and saying, "hey man, nice hair. And here I thought Johnny Damon had a bad haircut." Damon by the way was sporting a caveman/Jesus Christ look at the time.
I Live In A Fantasy World
In the real world I'm finding that success is hard to come by. Whether it's socially, economically, romantically and any other ally that you can name. I can't even win a slow pitch softball championship if my life depended on it. And yet in the fantasy world that I spend most of my time in I'm one of the most decorated champions of all time. Over 70 top three finishes in fantasy baseball, football, and basketball leagues over the last four years. I'm like the Michael Phelps of fantasy sports.
I've gotten so good in fact that I'm actually at the point where I'm treating my leagues as a part time job of sorts since winning can net hundreds of dollars in profits. Currently I'm in six fantasy baseball pay leagues and I'm on pace to win money in five of them with an outside chance of winning money in the sixth with a strong finish.
Which begs the age old question of just how important are fantasy sports in my life? If I met the girl of my dreams tomorrow and she told me that I had to chose between her and fantasy sports what would I say?
To be perfectly honest....I would ask her if she knew who Alcides Escobar was. If she said yes I would propose to her right there on the spot. If she said no I would tell her to take a hike. You may think I'm crazy for saying that but I would rather participate in a live fantasy football draft than spoon with my girlfriend while watching The Notebook. Okay maybe that's a bad example because I'm sure that every guy in the world would rather go to the draft but you get my point. Fantasy sports are a big part of my life and I would never want to give that up for a girl. And any girl that would want you to do that isn't the right girl for you.
But all of that is really a moot point since we all know that I'm never going to find a girlfriend. Which is why I spend so much time with fantasy sports. It gives me something to do to take my mind off the fact that I can't get laid. Instead of worrying about how I have to hurry up and find a girlfriend before my hairline recedes any further I just focus on trying to trade for Albert "Winnie The" Pujols. Without fantasy sports I would probably be in therapy three times a week trying to figure out why I like cheese and hamburgers but not cheeseburgers.
Suffice it to say I think it's a good thing that I live in a fantasy world.
I've gotten so good in fact that I'm actually at the point where I'm treating my leagues as a part time job of sorts since winning can net hundreds of dollars in profits. Currently I'm in six fantasy baseball pay leagues and I'm on pace to win money in five of them with an outside chance of winning money in the sixth with a strong finish.
Which begs the age old question of just how important are fantasy sports in my life? If I met the girl of my dreams tomorrow and she told me that I had to chose between her and fantasy sports what would I say?
To be perfectly honest....I would ask her if she knew who Alcides Escobar was. If she said yes I would propose to her right there on the spot. If she said no I would tell her to take a hike. You may think I'm crazy for saying that but I would rather participate in a live fantasy football draft than spoon with my girlfriend while watching The Notebook. Okay maybe that's a bad example because I'm sure that every guy in the world would rather go to the draft but you get my point. Fantasy sports are a big part of my life and I would never want to give that up for a girl. And any girl that would want you to do that isn't the right girl for you.
But all of that is really a moot point since we all know that I'm never going to find a girlfriend. Which is why I spend so much time with fantasy sports. It gives me something to do to take my mind off the fact that I can't get laid. Instead of worrying about how I have to hurry up and find a girlfriend before my hairline recedes any further I just focus on trying to trade for Albert "Winnie The" Pujols. Without fantasy sports I would probably be in therapy three times a week trying to figure out why I like cheese and hamburgers but not cheeseburgers.
Suffice it to say I think it's a good thing that I live in a fantasy world.
The Shames-o-Matic Prediction Meter
Here's a look at some things that are guaranteed to happen over the next few months in the world of sports:
Brett Farve will get traded to the New York Jets for a second round pick and then pull a Bill Belichick and retire just to avoid having to play for the Jets. He will then unretire and lead the Indianapolis Colts to the Super Bowl after Peyton Manning goes down with a knee injury in Week 5. He will then retire again during Super Bowl media week, just to avoid having to talk to the media, and then return at halftime of the Big Game to lead the Colts to victory. Afterwards he will retire again.
Brett Farve will get traded to the New York Jets for a second round pick and then pull a Bill Belichick and retire just to avoid having to play for the Jets. He will then unretire and lead the Indianapolis Colts to the Super Bowl after Peyton Manning goes down with a knee injury in Week 5. He will then retire again during Super Bowl media week, just to avoid having to talk to the media, and then return at halftime of the Big Game to lead the Colts to victory. Afterwards he will retire again.
The Manning brothers will get more tv time this fall than John McCain.
I will attempt to play softball and then not be able to walk for two weeks.
The Patriots will go undefeated again and then lose in the Super Bowl again this time to the Dallas Cowboys. Pacman Jones will then get banned from football after celebrating with the Cowboys Cheerleaders at Disney World in the Alice in Wonderland ride which he mistakenly thought was the name of a strip club.
Alex Rodriguez will make headlines when he's seen hanging out backstage at a Hannah Montana concert.
I'll bring a girl that I met on Craigslist to a Mets game, spend over a $100 on the evening, then not make a move, and never talk to her again.
Tiger Woods will win a golf tournament that he doesn't even play in.
John Sterling will get overly excited during a Yankees game and mistakenly rule a 6-4-3 double play a homerun.
Facebook stalking will be added as an Olympic event. Justin Bender will win the Gold Medal.
Jose Canseco will challenge Mark McGwire to a PPV arm wrestling match.
Vince McMahon will fake his own death for the third time.
Kobe Bryant will write a rap song about Shaquielle O'Neal which will feature the lyric: "You can't rap, and you're a fat piece of crap".
Top Ten Hotties
In lieu of the girlfriend of the month feature I thought I would make a top ten list of the hottest girls in sports.
10. Danica Patrick
The only reason to watch the WNBA. Apologies to Rebecca Lobo.
5. Christine Taylor
Greatest Dodgeball player ever.
Cutest sports columnist in the World. Take that Lupica.
Mt. Saint Andrews
Cheerleaders are real athletes too!! Even movie cheerleaders!!!!
10. Danica Patrick
Actually makes NASCAR worth watching. Then again....
9. Jenny Finch
9. Jenny Finch
How could softball get left out of the Olympics with Jenny on the team?!
8, Anna Kournikova
Does she even play tennis anymore?
7. Sacha Cohen
Sexy time?
6. Becky Hammon
The only reason to watch the WNBA. Apologies to Rebecca Lobo.
5. Christine Taylor
Greatest Dodgeball player ever.
4. Kelly Kelly
Wrestling is fake in more ways than one. But not Kelly Kelly.
Wrestling is fake in more ways than one. But not Kelly Kelly.
3. PJ aka Jordana Spiro
Cutest sports columnist in the World. Take that Lupica.
2. Erin Andrews
Mt. Saint Andrews
1. Brittany Snow
Cheerleaders are real athletes too!! Even movie cheerleaders!!!!
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
I wonder what Christian Bale and his mom and sister were arguing about before he allegedly assaulted them? I think it may have gone something like this:
"Mom: Christian why are you wearing that silly cape around the house?
Christian: I'm Batman!
Sister: No you're not. You just play Batman in the movies.
Christian: Shut up Joker! I'm Batman!
POW. WHAM."
In all seriousness though I wonder who is going to Bale him out of prison? Get it?
My new favorite quote as told by Jim Kaat during a recent Yankees broadcast: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift that's why they call it the present."
What do you think sounds louder when you chew it? Pretzels or carrots?
I don't know what a deviated septum is but it sounds cool.
I still can't figure out why tourists like to go to Ground Zero. There's nothing to see there. It's just a giant construction site. If they want to see a giant construction site they should visit Northeastern's campus at 3 am.
How come people have to learn how to drive but no one ever has to learn how to walk? If you think about it no one really knows how to walk. People are bumping into each other left and right. Talking on their cell phones while they walk. Trying to read a book while they walk. Walking in groups that take up the whole length of the sidewalk so that you can't pass. Walking at different speeds. Where is the walking speed lane? How do you alert other pedestrians to the fact that you want to slow down, speed up, or change directions?
I wonder what Christian Bale and his mom and sister were arguing about before he allegedly assaulted them? I think it may have gone something like this:
"Mom: Christian why are you wearing that silly cape around the house?
Christian: I'm Batman!
Sister: No you're not. You just play Batman in the movies.
Christian: Shut up Joker! I'm Batman!
POW. WHAM."
In all seriousness though I wonder who is going to Bale him out of prison? Get it?
My new favorite quote as told by Jim Kaat during a recent Yankees broadcast: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift that's why they call it the present."
What do you think sounds louder when you chew it? Pretzels or carrots?
I don't know what a deviated septum is but it sounds cool.
I still can't figure out why tourists like to go to Ground Zero. There's nothing to see there. It's just a giant construction site. If they want to see a giant construction site they should visit Northeastern's campus at 3 am.
How come people have to learn how to drive but no one ever has to learn how to walk? If you think about it no one really knows how to walk. People are bumping into each other left and right. Talking on their cell phones while they walk. Trying to read a book while they walk. Walking in groups that take up the whole length of the sidewalk so that you can't pass. Walking at different speeds. Where is the walking speed lane? How do you alert other pedestrians to the fact that you want to slow down, speed up, or change directions?
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Issue #3: Getting Lazy
First off, let me just apologize to the five people that actually read this blog that I haven't had a new issue in a few weeks. My plan to produce bi weekly issues that were thematic in nature has fallen by the wayside just like my plans to start a career, live on my own, be independently wealthy by 30, get married, raise a family, become general manager of the New York Yankees, etc.
But have no fear as I have returned with issue #3!! A much shorter version I may add as quite frankly I'm just too damn lazy to come up with content even when given one month to do so. Enjoy!!!
But have no fear as I have returned with issue #3!! A much shorter version I may add as quite frankly I'm just too damn lazy to come up with content even when given one month to do so. Enjoy!!!
I Hate Jdate
There are a lot of things that I hate. Red Sox fans for one. A hint of strawberry getting mixed in with the vanilla and chocolate when I eat neapolitan ice cream for another. But there is nothing that I hate right now more than jdate.
I know that may come as a shock to those of you who know me. But it's true. Online dating, the so-called savior of shy guys like myself, is in actuality the bane of my existence. If jdate was a real person it would be my arch rival nemesis. It would be the Heidi Montag to my Lauren Conrad. And yes I did just go there.
The reason for my discontent is simple. No one will talk to me!!!! Maybe it's because my annual income is listed as "tell you later" as in much, much, much later. Or perhaps it's because my last name isn't Goldberg. Who knows. All I know, is that the fishes in the sea of jdate aren't interested in my bait. And it's not like I'm fishing for a 30 pound tuna here. I'd settle for some catch and release action at this rate. But that's not even working out.
The irony of all of this is that I'm the worst Jew of all time. I'm not religious, I hate jewish food, I will never be caught dead going to temple, and I don't think that Adam Sandler is funny. If I hadn't been circumcised there would be no proof that I was even ever Jewish. I would be a horrible catch for a girl that's looking to settle down with a nice Jewish guy. But they don't know that!!! And that's what gets me. These girls should be viewing the profile of a nice, cute guy who for all intents and purposes appears to be a good catch. Reality will tell a whole different story all together but at the very least these girls should be exicted to talk to me. But no dice. It's almost as if they can sense my lack of Jewishness through the computer. I just don't get it.
The worst is when a cute girl views your profile and then never bothers to contact you. It would be one thing if someone decided that they didn't like me after meeting me but these people decided that they didn't like me based on a few sentences in my profile. Which is shocking since the profile is the best thing that I have to offer. It's witty. It highlights my good attributes, all three of them. It downplays my idiosyncrasies and insecurities. It showcases the best pictures ever taken of me, most of which are from a few years ago when I didn't have a receding hairline.
Quite frankly girls should be knocking down my door after reading it and then running out the door after actualy meeting me. It just doesn't make any sense. But what's even worse than that is my lack of success with getting girls to talk to me on instant messenger. Rule #1 when talking to a girl online or anywhere for that matter is to come up with something thoughtful to say and not just use some corny pickup line. And I'll have you know that I go to get lengths to read each girl's profile and then say something witty.
For instance, this one girl said that she wanted to meet a guy that she could share a bagel with. So, when I messaged her I said that I like pumpernickel bagels with margarine and then asked her if she wanted to share one with me. Sounds good right? A good way to break the ice? A funny story to tell the grandkids? Not even close. No response.
It's unbelievable. All I want to do is to meet a girl through jdate and go on one date with her. It doesn't even have to be a good date. It could even be the worst date of all time, complete with an awkward ass out hug at the end of the night.
A lack of sexual chemistry? Sure, why not! Awkward pauses? Of course! Inadvertenly saying something stupid to ruin the mood? Undoubtedly!! Failing to pick up on the signs? Goes without saying! Pee stain on my khakis after returning from the bathroom? Where do I sign up?
It can be all those things and more. It could even be worse than the time I went on a blind date and wished I was blind. It doesn't matter. All I want is one date before I have to start wearing a keepa to cover up all my bald spot. Or at least before my membership expires. Whichever comes first.
I know that may come as a shock to those of you who know me. But it's true. Online dating, the so-called savior of shy guys like myself, is in actuality the bane of my existence. If jdate was a real person it would be my arch rival nemesis. It would be the Heidi Montag to my Lauren Conrad. And yes I did just go there.
The reason for my discontent is simple. No one will talk to me!!!! Maybe it's because my annual income is listed as "tell you later" as in much, much, much later. Or perhaps it's because my last name isn't Goldberg. Who knows. All I know, is that the fishes in the sea of jdate aren't interested in my bait. And it's not like I'm fishing for a 30 pound tuna here. I'd settle for some catch and release action at this rate. But that's not even working out.
The irony of all of this is that I'm the worst Jew of all time. I'm not religious, I hate jewish food, I will never be caught dead going to temple, and I don't think that Adam Sandler is funny. If I hadn't been circumcised there would be no proof that I was even ever Jewish. I would be a horrible catch for a girl that's looking to settle down with a nice Jewish guy. But they don't know that!!! And that's what gets me. These girls should be viewing the profile of a nice, cute guy who for all intents and purposes appears to be a good catch. Reality will tell a whole different story all together but at the very least these girls should be exicted to talk to me. But no dice. It's almost as if they can sense my lack of Jewishness through the computer. I just don't get it.
The worst is when a cute girl views your profile and then never bothers to contact you. It would be one thing if someone decided that they didn't like me after meeting me but these people decided that they didn't like me based on a few sentences in my profile. Which is shocking since the profile is the best thing that I have to offer. It's witty. It highlights my good attributes, all three of them. It downplays my idiosyncrasies and insecurities. It showcases the best pictures ever taken of me, most of which are from a few years ago when I didn't have a receding hairline.
Quite frankly girls should be knocking down my door after reading it and then running out the door after actualy meeting me. It just doesn't make any sense. But what's even worse than that is my lack of success with getting girls to talk to me on instant messenger. Rule #1 when talking to a girl online or anywhere for that matter is to come up with something thoughtful to say and not just use some corny pickup line. And I'll have you know that I go to get lengths to read each girl's profile and then say something witty.
For instance, this one girl said that she wanted to meet a guy that she could share a bagel with. So, when I messaged her I said that I like pumpernickel bagels with margarine and then asked her if she wanted to share one with me. Sounds good right? A good way to break the ice? A funny story to tell the grandkids? Not even close. No response.
It's unbelievable. All I want to do is to meet a girl through jdate and go on one date with her. It doesn't even have to be a good date. It could even be the worst date of all time, complete with an awkward ass out hug at the end of the night.
A lack of sexual chemistry? Sure, why not! Awkward pauses? Of course! Inadvertenly saying something stupid to ruin the mood? Undoubtedly!! Failing to pick up on the signs? Goes without saying! Pee stain on my khakis after returning from the bathroom? Where do I sign up?
It can be all those things and more. It could even be worse than the time I went on a blind date and wished I was blind. It doesn't matter. All I want is one date before I have to start wearing a keepa to cover up all my bald spot. Or at least before my membership expires. Whichever comes first.
Celebrity Train Wrecks: The Next Generation
I recently did a temp assignment for a financial company. I was expecting things to be very hectic and fast paced and yet amongst all the stress one of the guys there still found the time to lament the rise and fall of Lindsay Lohan. He referred to her as a train wreck which got me thinking: there sure are a lot of train wrecks just waiting to happen in Hollywood these days. Here's a look at some of the young up and coming stars in Hollywood and the fates that may be awaiting them.
1. Miley Cyrus: Controversy has already engulfed this Disney channel meal ticket after she posed half naked for a Vanity Fair photoshoot. Her innocent image tarnished this could be the beginning of the end for Hannah Montana mania. (Thank God).
The truth is her incredible run had to end sometime and unless she can launch into a successful signing career she's going to have a lot of time on her hands to lament would could have been. Lamenting leads to acting out against expectations leads to hardcore partying lifestyle. (See Spears, Brittany).
Most likely to: be found back home in Tennessee strung out on hard drugs.
Artsy or provacative? You be the judge.
2. Emma Watson: She may play Hermione Granger on the big screen but this Harry Potter star is far from a goody two shoe. In fact, quite the opposite has been true over the last few years as Watson has been caught engaging in underage drinking on several occassions. Unless the drinking age in England is 15 she's been up to no good and it's safe to say that the trend should continue as the media attention intensifies.
Most likely to: appear nude in a magazine or movie.
Hey Emma, is that beer or Pollyjuice potion?
3. Jaime Lynn Spears: This train has already left the station. About six months ago to be exact when word came out that she was pregnant. Why am I not surprised? Probably because her role model is older sister Brittany who is the poster child for starlets gone wild after her recent string of mental breakdowns. There could still be hope for Jaime Lynn if she can learn from Britney's mistakes but that would be a bigger miracle than me marrying Natalie Portman.
Most likely to be: In and out of rehab while battling for custody of her child.
"I'm a trainwreck"
4. Kardashian sisters: And I'm not even talking about the three sisters currently starring on E's show Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I'm talking about their younger sisters who appeared in a recent episode poll dancing and pretending they were on a girls gone wild video. The girls were 9 and 11 years old at the time. Check out the video here: http://www.hollywoodgrind.com/kim-kardashians-little-sister-does-girls-gone-wild-video/
Most likely to: appear in an actual Girls Gone Wild video.
The apple doesn't fall far from the stripper pole....
1. Miley Cyrus: Controversy has already engulfed this Disney channel meal ticket after she posed half naked for a Vanity Fair photoshoot. Her innocent image tarnished this could be the beginning of the end for Hannah Montana mania. (Thank God).
The truth is her incredible run had to end sometime and unless she can launch into a successful signing career she's going to have a lot of time on her hands to lament would could have been. Lamenting leads to acting out against expectations leads to hardcore partying lifestyle. (See Spears, Brittany).
Most likely to: be found back home in Tennessee strung out on hard drugs.
Artsy or provacative? You be the judge.
2. Emma Watson: She may play Hermione Granger on the big screen but this Harry Potter star is far from a goody two shoe. In fact, quite the opposite has been true over the last few years as Watson has been caught engaging in underage drinking on several occassions. Unless the drinking age in England is 15 she's been up to no good and it's safe to say that the trend should continue as the media attention intensifies.
Most likely to: appear nude in a magazine or movie.
Hey Emma, is that beer or Pollyjuice potion?
3. Jaime Lynn Spears: This train has already left the station. About six months ago to be exact when word came out that she was pregnant. Why am I not surprised? Probably because her role model is older sister Brittany who is the poster child for starlets gone wild after her recent string of mental breakdowns. There could still be hope for Jaime Lynn if she can learn from Britney's mistakes but that would be a bigger miracle than me marrying Natalie Portman.
Most likely to be: In and out of rehab while battling for custody of her child.
"I'm a trainwreck"
4. Kardashian sisters: And I'm not even talking about the three sisters currently starring on E's show Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I'm talking about their younger sisters who appeared in a recent episode poll dancing and pretending they were on a girls gone wild video. The girls were 9 and 11 years old at the time. Check out the video here: http://www.hollywoodgrind.com/kim-kardashians-little-sister-does-girls-gone-wild-video/
Most likely to: appear in an actual Girls Gone Wild video.
The apple doesn't fall far from the stripper pole....
Girlfriend of the Month: Hayden Panettiere
With the rest of young Hollywood falling by the wayside I wanted to pick someone who has stayed out of trouble so far as my girlfriend of the month. And who better to select than Hayden Penettiere who not only plays a hero on tv but also acts like one in real life.
Why yes you are!
Hayden's version of a run in with the law.
In her spare time she saves whales....
and licks butts.......What are you doing Hayden!!!?!
But its okay, I forgive you!!!
Then again, maybe not.
Month In Review
Random thoughts from the last month:
If I have to hear one more person talking about Sex and the City I think I might actually throw up.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall should be renamed Forgetting That I Just Saw That Guy Naked.
If I have to hear one more person talking about Sex and the City I think I might actually throw up.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall should be renamed Forgetting That I Just Saw That Guy Naked.
Did Clay Aiken really just father a child? Come on now! Even Clay Aiken is getting more action than me!!! What is the world coming to!?!
I hate it when someone says what's up and the other person says what's up back. And neither person ever actually answered the others' question.
I wonder how long it's going to be until someone knocks on Ed McMahon's door and says "you may have just won a million dollars"?
Is it just me or is the woman who does the voice overs for the voice activated system in cars sound like a 50 year old woman going through menopause? Would it have killed them to use a hot girl's voice?
If there is a better show on tv than Bridezillas?
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Issue #2: Transitional Period
I wanted to make issue #2 all about Hollywood but I realized that I still have too many other things to talk about. But I did want to write about Hollywood a little bit at the same time. So I figured it would be best to make this a transitional issue where I do a little of everything. So be sure to check out the return of last issue's smash hit "Things You May Have Missed" featuring the greatest prank of all time as well as my summer movie preview and the debut of Patches Fitzpatrick, the greatest fictional character ever created.
Enjoy.
Enjoy.
Even More Things You May Have Missed
I really hated going to physical therapy for my back. And not because it was time consuming, or painful. Rather because it was obscenely embarrassing every time I went. For those of you not in the know, the first part of my treatment was electric stimulation for my back. All I had to do was left up my shirt, have a pad applied (sometimes have it taped down so that it would stay in place), and then take a nap for twenty minutes while I was massaged. Sounds easy enough.
Except for the part where I lift up my shirt. Because in doing so I revealed a horrifying sight to the PT assistants. A sight like nothing they had ever seen before. And a sight that they felt like they had to share with everyone else in the office. Just picture an Asian girl shouting to her friend, "You come here. You need to see this. (laughter) You come here now!!" Or my personal favorite, "we're gonna need more tape!!!"
It's no secret that I hate bugs, vermins, creepy crawlers, etc. all. I did after all have to have my friend Heidi throw out the mouse traps that got used up in my apartment in college because I was afraid to go near them. So it should come as no surprise that while living in Florida I was afraid to go into my kitchen when there was a little baby lizard in there. Not even a full grown lizard mind you. But a little tiny lizard that was so small that you could barely even put it in your hand without it falling through your fingers. Not going into the kitchen is one thing. Asking your roommate to pour you a glass of Orange Juice is quite another.
I had a massive crush on this girl all through elementary school. Nothing ever came of it, partly because her parents wouldn't let her date at the time, and more likely because it's me we're talking about. I haven't seen this girl in years but still held out hope that fate would one day reunite us. Unfortunately for me my timing sucks. For this girl moved five minutes away from my apartment in Florida!!!! 2 weeks after I moved back to NY!!! And not only that but her roommate is this other girl that I had a massive crush on during elementary school!!!! And to make matters worse the two of them went on a double date with my former roommate and my other friend, Oren!!!!!!!!!! I should have never moved back to NY. First the car accident and now this. And I think this may be worse. Because you can fix a broken car. And you can treat a back injury. But you can never heal a broken heart.
Except for the part where I lift up my shirt. Because in doing so I revealed a horrifying sight to the PT assistants. A sight like nothing they had ever seen before. And a sight that they felt like they had to share with everyone else in the office. Just picture an Asian girl shouting to her friend, "You come here. You need to see this. (laughter) You come here now!!" Or my personal favorite, "we're gonna need more tape!!!"
It's no secret that I hate bugs, vermins, creepy crawlers, etc. all. I did after all have to have my friend Heidi throw out the mouse traps that got used up in my apartment in college because I was afraid to go near them. So it should come as no surprise that while living in Florida I was afraid to go into my kitchen when there was a little baby lizard in there. Not even a full grown lizard mind you. But a little tiny lizard that was so small that you could barely even put it in your hand without it falling through your fingers. Not going into the kitchen is one thing. Asking your roommate to pour you a glass of Orange Juice is quite another.
I had a massive crush on this girl all through elementary school. Nothing ever came of it, partly because her parents wouldn't let her date at the time, and more likely because it's me we're talking about. I haven't seen this girl in years but still held out hope that fate would one day reunite us. Unfortunately for me my timing sucks. For this girl moved five minutes away from my apartment in Florida!!!! 2 weeks after I moved back to NY!!! And not only that but her roommate is this other girl that I had a massive crush on during elementary school!!!! And to make matters worse the two of them went on a double date with my former roommate and my other friend, Oren!!!!!!!!!! I should have never moved back to NY. First the car accident and now this. And I think this may be worse. Because you can fix a broken car. And you can treat a back injury. But you can never heal a broken heart.
****UPDATE*****
I'm heading down to Florida next weekend to visit my old stomping grounds. I figured that since I'm down there it would be cool if I could get together with these two girls and catch up on old times. And since they've already met my friends it would make a group hangout go very smoothly. So I emailed the girl who had moved down there to see if she wanted to kayaking with us on Saturday afternoon. And what she said shocked me. I could have taken rejection. But not what followed.
For she said and I quote, "I have no idea what you're talking about. Who is Oren? I've been living in DC for the last four years!!"
Turns out that the entire thing was an elaborate hoax. Oren never ran into this girl at the mall. There was no double date or other times that they hung out. For the last six months I've been under the belief that the two loves of my life were living together a few minutes away from where I just was. And the whole time I was kicking myself over it. And it never happened.
A part of me wants to tip my hat to Oren and Brian for pulling off the greatest prank of all time. But another part of me never wants to talk to either of them ever again. And that's the part that's winning out right now.
Instant Celebrity
The best part about the internet, besides the free porn of course, is that anyone and everyone can become an instant celebrity. All it takes is a camcorder and a dream. Or in my case a bag of popcorn and a camcorder held by someone else.
http://video.aol.com/video-detail/craig-loves-popcorn/1666334497
PS: Brian, I hate you.
http://video.aol.com/video-detail/craig-loves-popcorn/1666334497
PS: Brian, I hate you.
The Other Craig Shames
I'm a compulsive self googler. You never know when you're going to make you way into the Sunday edition of the Chicago Times, have a poem that you wrote get stolen by a girl who lives in India or draw the wrath of a feminist group. (All true stories by the way) So, it should come as no surprise that a movie review that I wrote about Spider Man 3 made its way into The Times, A Brittish newspaper.
Here's what I had to say:
"This movie was a dreadful disappointment. I was very excited about seeing it and got tickets a week in advance for IMAX. Maybe it was just my expectations were too high, but I was actually excited for it to be over. The entire thing was contrived and sophomoric , I'm sorry thats an oversight it is less then that it was not even Freshamoric. Even the excited prepubescent fanboys around me left feeling let down. Its no wonder the cast is sick of the franchise, they knew how bad this movie was. The script was terrible and it dragged the entire way. The fight scenes were few and far between and lacked any plausible realism (I know the whole concept lacks realism but the CGI was too much), plus I was so bored I did not really care by the end. Oh and bad ass Tobey just did not work - I like him as an actor, but a new hairstyle and ridiculous dancing to be cool was laughable. corporate Hollywood sold spiderman's soul."
- Craig Shames, Boston, MA
The only problem is that I've never seen Spider Man 3 and didn't write that review. It does sound exactly like something I would have written though and I find it more than just a mere coincidence that it has my name on it and lists me as living in Boston, MA which I did for 4 years.
Now either someone who writes for the newspaper made up that quote and attributed my name to it, presumably after getting it off a mailing list that they bought off of those bastards at Northeastern University. Or there's another Craig Shames running around out there. Scarry thought, huh?
Well I did a little bit of research and I found out that there is another Craig Shames who lives in Boston. He's actually a grad student at the New England School of Law. Check out the striking resemblance.
He seems like a pretty cool guy. I wonder if he likes licorice nibs, Natalie Portman or Lost?
Twilight Zone Update
For over a year now I've believed that I've been living in what I can only describe as a version of the Twilight Zone. Basically what has been happening is that whatever I have thought about has come true in some format. Most people will say then why don't you think about getting a girlfriend, job, or a million bucks. But it doesn't work like that. I can't think about something and have it happen. It's more of like I have to think about something without consciously doing so. It seems to me as though conscious thoughts don't work out but if I daydream about something or just think about it in passing for a quick minute then it comes true.
I have literally thousands of examples that I could give you to try to make a believer out of you but a recent one works best I think. Last week I was watching tv and come across MTV and Nick Cannon's show Wild N' Out. I said to myself that Nick Cannon is somewhat of a big star at this point. I bet that when he's go out to the hot spots in LA everyone is cool with him. It's like if Hollywood was High School he would be the BMOC. As I continued to think about Cannon I thought to myself that as big of a star as he is he's not quite that big. It would be good for his career if he had a high profile relationship with another big star. Someone even bigger than him. 2 days later it was announced that Cannon and Mariah Carey were married!!!!
Are you a believer now?
I have literally thousands of examples that I could give you to try to make a believer out of you but a recent one works best I think. Last week I was watching tv and come across MTV and Nick Cannon's show Wild N' Out. I said to myself that Nick Cannon is somewhat of a big star at this point. I bet that when he's go out to the hot spots in LA everyone is cool with him. It's like if Hollywood was High School he would be the BMOC. As I continued to think about Cannon I thought to myself that as big of a star as he is he's not quite that big. It would be good for his career if he had a high profile relationship with another big star. Someone even bigger than him. 2 days later it was announced that Cannon and Mariah Carey were married!!!!
Are you a believer now?
Summer Movie Preview
Here's a look at some of the big movies coming out this summer:
1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: After the first Indiana Jones movie came out I went out and bought an official Indy whip!!! I thought it was the coolest thing ever and I was going around my house whipping everything in sight. Until I tried to latch onto a tree branch and got the whip stuck in a tree! I couldn't get in down and I still don't think I've ever fully recovered from that traumatic expereince. Combine that with the time that I bought a toy Pirates of the Caribbean sword at Disney World and promptly broke it when I tried to stick into the ground and its no wonder that I'm as messed up as I am. What any of that has to do with the movie I don't know. I'm sure it'll be worth seeing.
2. Iron Man: Seems to have gotten good reviews so far. But then again it is a comic book movie and it is starring Robert Downey Jr. You might like it but I have zero interest in seeing it after witnessing the carnage that was the Fantastic Four and the Incredible Hulk.
3. Sex and the City movie: For the first time in my life I'm actually glad that I don't have a girlfriend right now.
4. Pineapple Express: If it's made by Judd Apatow and company it's worth seeing. Although I have to admit that this movie about a pair of stoners on the run after witnessing a murder looks like it may have been better left on the editing room floor. Oh, who am I kidding. I'll be there on opening night just like everyone else.
5. Hancock: If it has Will Smith in it and it comes out during the summer time I'm probably going to see it. Independence Day, Bad Boys, I am Legend, I Robot, Men in Black - Smith is the top actor in Hollywood for summer blockbusters. But is he a big enough box office draw to make me want to go see Hancock, which looks like it could be another Wild Wild West? Most likely.
6. The Dark Knight: I don't think I can go see this movie. I'm kind of crept out watching anything that has Heath Ledger in it right now. Seriously I can't even watch my limited edition director's cut "Ten Things I Hate About You" DVD anymore.
7. You Don't Mess with the Zohan: This movie looks horrible but I can't wait for it come out just so that when it does I can start saying You Don't Mess with the Johan Santana.
8. Tropic Thunder: This Ben Stiller flick hasn't been getting a lot of publicity but I think it could be the surprise hit of the summer. After all, what's not to like about a movie starring Stiller and the aforementioned Downey Jr. as a black guy.
9. The Sister of the Travelling Pants 2: It's time like these that I wish I had a girlfriend. Then I could go see this movie and just say that my girlfriend made me go see it.
10. The Happening: M. Night Shyamalan plus Marky Mark equals box office gold. Like with any M. Night production I have no idea what this movie is about. But it actually looks cool.
1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: After the first Indiana Jones movie came out I went out and bought an official Indy whip!!! I thought it was the coolest thing ever and I was going around my house whipping everything in sight. Until I tried to latch onto a tree branch and got the whip stuck in a tree! I couldn't get in down and I still don't think I've ever fully recovered from that traumatic expereince. Combine that with the time that I bought a toy Pirates of the Caribbean sword at Disney World and promptly broke it when I tried to stick into the ground and its no wonder that I'm as messed up as I am. What any of that has to do with the movie I don't know. I'm sure it'll be worth seeing.
2. Iron Man: Seems to have gotten good reviews so far. But then again it is a comic book movie and it is starring Robert Downey Jr. You might like it but I have zero interest in seeing it after witnessing the carnage that was the Fantastic Four and the Incredible Hulk.
3. Sex and the City movie: For the first time in my life I'm actually glad that I don't have a girlfriend right now.
4. Pineapple Express: If it's made by Judd Apatow and company it's worth seeing. Although I have to admit that this movie about a pair of stoners on the run after witnessing a murder looks like it may have been better left on the editing room floor. Oh, who am I kidding. I'll be there on opening night just like everyone else.
5. Hancock: If it has Will Smith in it and it comes out during the summer time I'm probably going to see it. Independence Day, Bad Boys, I am Legend, I Robot, Men in Black - Smith is the top actor in Hollywood for summer blockbusters. But is he a big enough box office draw to make me want to go see Hancock, which looks like it could be another Wild Wild West? Most likely.
6. The Dark Knight: I don't think I can go see this movie. I'm kind of crept out watching anything that has Heath Ledger in it right now. Seriously I can't even watch my limited edition director's cut "Ten Things I Hate About You" DVD anymore.
7. You Don't Mess with the Zohan: This movie looks horrible but I can't wait for it come out just so that when it does I can start saying You Don't Mess with the Johan Santana.
8. Tropic Thunder: This Ben Stiller flick hasn't been getting a lot of publicity but I think it could be the surprise hit of the summer. After all, what's not to like about a movie starring Stiller and the aforementioned Downey Jr. as a black guy.
9. The Sister of the Travelling Pants 2: It's time like these that I wish I had a girlfriend. Then I could go see this movie and just say that my girlfriend made me go see it.
10. The Happening: M. Night Shyamalan plus Marky Mark equals box office gold. Like with any M. Night production I have no idea what this movie is about. But it actually looks cool.
The Amazingly True Adventures of Patches Fitzpatrick
There is a man who lives at 32 Darden Lane. Some would say that he is the ideal man. Quiet and unassuming yet assertive he has a way about him that alludes to an inner confidence. A former second lieutenant in the U.S. Army he is loyal to a fault and exactly the kind of guy that you want to have your back in battle. Women adore him and men are envious of him.
He didn't just live his life. He went out and got after it. Chased it down until he had every aspect of it under control. Perfect credit score. Ferrari parked in the driveway. Beautiful women coming and going at all hours of the night. According to Mrs. Clover, the resident town gossiper and know-it-all, he had even been known to date a few celebrities. He was in fact, almost a celebrity himself. At least of the local variety. Everyone in town either knew him, knew of him, or wanted to know more about him.
I would like to be able to say that he kept his friends close and his enemies closer. But it's hard to imagine him having any enemies. You would be hard pressed to find someone who could say anything bad about him. After all, what's not to like about a guy who runs a six minute mile, took three months off from his job to help build homes in New Orleans during the aftermath of Katrina, and who volunteers every Sunday morning at a nursing home running a seminar that he created entitled "putting getting old on hold".
If the human race decided to clone one person, it's safe to say that this man would get a majority of the votes. His life was the kind of life that everyone else wishes they could have. The kind of life that you read about in books or watch in movies. No one actually ever does all of the things that he did. No one actually plays airport roulette and gets on the first flight to Europe that opens up. No one that is, except for this man.
If it can be done, he's probably done it. And most likely done it well. He probably has a thousand stories to tell about his life. About where he's been, what he's done, and where he's going. Stories that could enthrawl and entertain and make the imagination work overtime. But unfortunatley I am not here to tell his story. As intersting as it is it's going to have to wait for another day. For another author to come along perhaps.
Rather I'm here to tell the story of the man who lives at 33 Darden Lane. A man who to say the least, is decidely less interesting than the man who lives at 32 Darden Lane. I'm here to tell the story of one, Patches Fitzpatrick.
He didn't just live his life. He went out and got after it. Chased it down until he had every aspect of it under control. Perfect credit score. Ferrari parked in the driveway. Beautiful women coming and going at all hours of the night. According to Mrs. Clover, the resident town gossiper and know-it-all, he had even been known to date a few celebrities. He was in fact, almost a celebrity himself. At least of the local variety. Everyone in town either knew him, knew of him, or wanted to know more about him.
I would like to be able to say that he kept his friends close and his enemies closer. But it's hard to imagine him having any enemies. You would be hard pressed to find someone who could say anything bad about him. After all, what's not to like about a guy who runs a six minute mile, took three months off from his job to help build homes in New Orleans during the aftermath of Katrina, and who volunteers every Sunday morning at a nursing home running a seminar that he created entitled "putting getting old on hold".
If the human race decided to clone one person, it's safe to say that this man would get a majority of the votes. His life was the kind of life that everyone else wishes they could have. The kind of life that you read about in books or watch in movies. No one actually ever does all of the things that he did. No one actually plays airport roulette and gets on the first flight to Europe that opens up. No one that is, except for this man.
If it can be done, he's probably done it. And most likely done it well. He probably has a thousand stories to tell about his life. About where he's been, what he's done, and where he's going. Stories that could enthrawl and entertain and make the imagination work overtime. But unfortunatley I am not here to tell his story. As intersting as it is it's going to have to wait for another day. For another author to come along perhaps.
Rather I'm here to tell the story of the man who lives at 33 Darden Lane. A man who to say the least, is decidely less interesting than the man who lives at 32 Darden Lane. I'm here to tell the story of one, Patches Fitzpatrick.
Girlfriend of the Week: Blake Lively
I don't watch Gossip Girl which may come as a surprise to you considering that the Gilmore Girls and One Tree Hill are two of my favorite shows. But I haven't taken notice to the break out star of that show, an actress, who I first noticed in the highly underrated movie, Accepted. The one and only Blake Lively. Now this is one girl that is definitely worth Lively for.
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in jail for tax evasion. I wonder if this means that he'll now be playing CF for a team in the California Penal League?
Props to the Daily News for also making fun of Snipes but doing it even better than I could. In their Sunday edition three weeks ago they first wondered if Snipes was going to nail a pair of batting gloves to the wall for each day he's in prison. They then wondered if Omar Epps was available to take his place after the first year.
Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in jail for tax evasion. I wonder if this means that he'll now be playing CF for a team in the California Penal League?
Props to the Daily News for also making fun of Snipes but doing it even better than I could. In their Sunday edition three weeks ago they first wondered if Snipes was going to nail a pair of batting gloves to the wall for each day he's in prison. They then wondered if Omar Epps was available to take his place after the first year.
First 3rd Rock from the Sun and now 30 Rock. What is NBC contractually obligated to have a sitcom with the number 3 and the word rock in the title at all times?
Speaking of NBC why doens't Friday Night Lights air on Friday night?
MTV now has a reality tv show about a high school newspaper. I wish they had this when I was the sports editor of the Sider Press! I could have fulfilled my life long dream of being on a reality tv show!You can't tell me that McDonald's doesn't try to market to kids. The McDonald's in my town was recently renovated and now includes a flat screen tv. The tv plays the Cartoon Network 24/7.
If something costs zero dollars plus tax how much does it cost? While you ponder that I thought it was worth mentioning that there are two things in my life that I just suck at. Well more than two but two that I really suck at. Math, specifically percentages. And trying to remember the difference between a conservative and liberal. And yes I was a political science major in college.
Yankees 3B Alex Rodriguez reportedly passed out during the birth of his first child. We already knew that AROD couldn't deliver in the clutch but apparently he can't deliver in the hospital either.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Issue #1: Getting To Know You....Again
The blog is back!!!!!! This time in bi-weekly issue format, which I'm going to try to keep as thematic as possible. The first issue I'm going to dedicate to getting reacquainted with my readers. (Hi, Erin and Melissa) So, sit back, relax and enjoy the return of the Shames Shenanigans.
The New Craig
A lot has changed in the last 21 months. Neil Patrick Harris is back on tv. The Red Sox are good, the Yankees suck. A member of the Spears family is pregnant and it's not Britney. Things change. People change. I've changed. To help keep you up to speed on the new Craig, version 17.0, here's a quick look at some of the biggest changes:
1. I'm no longer a Yankees fan. I realized this when I was attending last week's Yankees-Red Sox game. At one point I actually stood up and cheered after Red Sox CF Jacoby Ellsbury stole second base and then again later on when Manny Ramirez hit a HR. It's sad but I only root for players on my fantasy teams now. Plus the Yankees suck anyway. Go Dharma Intiative: Better Than All The Others!!!!!
2. I have a new favorite tv show: Move over Lost there's a new top dog in town. Starz' new hit Headcase is the greatest show...ever. It's so good that I even like it more than Gossip Girl. Aside from having a ridiculously awesome title it also happens to be ridiculously awesome. Picture a therapist to the stars living in Hollywood who has more issues than the patients she sees. Then picture stars playing themselves and making total fools of themselves. Instant hit. (Check out the link below)
3. For some reason everything that's miniature tastes better. (Insert Jewish joke here) First it was licorice nibs. Then tater tots. Now it's mini oreos and mini chips ahoy. There's just something about them that tastes different than their larger brethren. It's like you're compressing all the flavor from one whole cookie into one bite so you're getting more bang for your buck. From now on I'm only going to eat miniature things!!!
4. I have a new favorite store: Steve and Barry's. I don't know who Steve and Barry are but they sound like cool guys to me. After all, how can you not like guys who are basically giving away clothes. Everything in the store is $8 or less. That's right, I said $8 or less. You can literally get a pair of sneakers or a winter coat for $8!!!! There's got to be a catch though. So chances are I'm wearing something that was made in a sweat shop and inevitably it will shrink after one wearing. But still. Only $8!!!! At those prices I could live the life of a rapper and literally throw my clothes away after one wearing.
1. I'm no longer a Yankees fan. I realized this when I was attending last week's Yankees-Red Sox game. At one point I actually stood up and cheered after Red Sox CF Jacoby Ellsbury stole second base and then again later on when Manny Ramirez hit a HR. It's sad but I only root for players on my fantasy teams now. Plus the Yankees suck anyway. Go Dharma Intiative: Better Than All The Others!!!!!
2. I have a new favorite tv show: Move over Lost there's a new top dog in town. Starz' new hit Headcase is the greatest show...ever. It's so good that I even like it more than Gossip Girl. Aside from having a ridiculously awesome title it also happens to be ridiculously awesome. Picture a therapist to the stars living in Hollywood who has more issues than the patients she sees. Then picture stars playing themselves and making total fools of themselves. Instant hit. (Check out the link below)
3. For some reason everything that's miniature tastes better. (Insert Jewish joke here) First it was licorice nibs. Then tater tots. Now it's mini oreos and mini chips ahoy. There's just something about them that tastes different than their larger brethren. It's like you're compressing all the flavor from one whole cookie into one bite so you're getting more bang for your buck. From now on I'm only going to eat miniature things!!!
4. I have a new favorite store: Steve and Barry's. I don't know who Steve and Barry are but they sound like cool guys to me. After all, how can you not like guys who are basically giving away clothes. Everything in the store is $8 or less. That's right, I said $8 or less. You can literally get a pair of sneakers or a winter coat for $8!!!! There's got to be a catch though. So chances are I'm wearing something that was made in a sweat shop and inevitably it will shrink after one wearing. But still. Only $8!!!! At those prices I could live the life of a rapper and literally throw my clothes away after one wearing.
Head Case - Ralph Macchio
Check out this clip of my new favorite tv show, Headcase. In it, the Karate Kid, Ralph Macchio goes to therapy and gets more than he bargained for.
Things You May Have Missed
A lot has happened over the last 21 months. And while I could bore with you the details of temp assignments that I've been on and sexual conquests that I've had (don't laugh at that last one), I thought it would be better to share some funny stories with you. Everything else you'll just have to read about in my yet to be written but already titled autobiography, "You'll Never Figure Me Out."
Without further adieu here's a look at what I've been up to:
1. I got into a pretty bad car accident when I was driving back to NY from Florida. My car flipped several times and I wound up in a swamp on the side of the road. A lot of people have asked me what was going through my mind while I was in mid-air. And while it may be hard to believe the answer is: Josh Johnson. Johnson is a pitcher on the Florida Marlins who was pitching two days after my accident. And no joke I actually said to myself, "if I die who is going to check my fantasy teams and make sure that I have Josh Johnson starting?"
2. While I was down in Florida a temp agency that I went to offered me a job as an importer-exporter. It actually wasn't that bad of an offer. Decent pay, benefits, the whole nine yards. I would work at the airport on a night shift. However, I immediately said no.
My reasoning? The George Costanza comparisons were already running rampant. Everything from my dream job of working for the Yankees to the overflowing wallet. All that's been missing is about fifty pounds and a receding hairline. I don't think that I could have taken the comparisons if I also wound up working as an importer-exporter even if I didn't refer to myself as Art Vandalay.
3. Some things just aren't meant to be. I found that out after attempting to start a South Florida Writing Club. The group would have met weekly and would have been a forum for people to pitch script ideas and get feedback on their work. It would have been like a book club minus the soccer moms and metrosexuals.
However, on the night of our first meeting I went by the restuarant that we were going to meet at and much to my dismay the windows were boarded up! Just hours before we were going to launch my club and the restaurant had closed its doors to business! The club, suffice it to say, never met.
4. On the other hand, some things are too good to be true. For instance. What if someone was to tell you that you could make $10,000 tax free, not pay rent for three years, and have sex with a hot girl who just so happens to have a thing for 'jewish guys' anytime you wanted? Sounds good, right?
Well, there's always a catch or rather in Florida there's always someone looking to get married for a green card. I was offered such a deal from a nice girl from Colombia named Monica. Of course I said no. After all, if you thought that living in your parent's basement cramped your style, try bringing a girl home when you're married!
5. If wealth was determined by how much common sense you have I would be a single mother raising three kids by herself while working at a car factory in suburban Detroit. You see, during a softball game last summer I thought it would be a good idea to 'wait out' a passing storm by standing out in centerfield rather than going do the dugout like everyone else. I was certain that it was just a sun shower and that play would resume momentarily. I thought that I was going to come off looking smooth.
Instead I came off looking like your cat after it accidentally fell asleep in your washing machine on wash day. Not only that but my wallet and cell phone got soaked because my bag was directly underneath where the water was coming down off of the top of the dugout. So much for looking smooth.
6. A few months ago I went up to Boston to visit my sister who was running in her first half marathon. Keep in mind that she didn't play any sports growing up unless you count trigonometry as a sport. It is after all about as much of a sport as golf is. But anyway, she trained hard, and did a great job, finishing the whole race in about an hour and half and not even stopping once!
While I was standing at the finish line, catching my breath after the long walk from the t station, I begin to reminisce about the time that I ran a half marathon. Now keep in mind that at the time I attempted to run it, I was in the military and in the best shape of my life. Which makes it all the more amazing that I finished in 2 and a half hours, after getting rescued by a search party, but not before getting chased for dear life by a stray dog after I wandered off course. I came in second to last, only finishing ahead of a parapalegic who tried to hop the whole way.
7. My friend Brian and I recently coached a PAL basketball team of 12 and 13 year olds. After starting out 0-2 we got on a roll and made it the championship game, where unfortunately we lost on a last second buzzer beater from near half court!!! It was a great season although not for my psyche. It's kind of hard to show your face in public after losing in a one on one game to a 12 year old....when you're trying your hardest. That's almost as bad as the team I got schooled at the beach club by a 65 year old man with a deadly hook shot.
8. I'm sure you're all dying to hear what's going on with the ladies. And so I shall oblige. In the last ten months I've run the gauntlet of human emotions. I've had someone ask me to marry them (Monica) and I've asked someone else to marry me. (Allison, the offer still stands) I've fallen in love (Brittany Snow after watching John Tucker Must Die) and become a scorned ex (Brittany Snow after not returning my phone calls). I've searched for love online (jdate, myspace, craigslist, etc.) and while standing in line. (At publix) Unfortunately, love has alluded me thus far.
9. But nothing takes the cake or should I say the turkey like the now infamous Round Up incident. What had happened was that I was dating this girl from my softball league. We went on 2 previous dates and nothing happened. So now we're on that third date deadline of having to hook up before officially falling into the friend zone or as I like to call it, Craigland.
The night was going well and things soon progressed to my apartment after my roommate Brian offered up some of my left over Turkey from Thanksgiving as a late night snack. Leave it to Brian to seal the deal for me. This should be the part of the story where you put the kids to bed because things are about to get x rated. Instead it's the part of the story where you shake your head in disbelief and yell out, Craig!!!!!
That's because after my date returned from the bathroom I announced that it was getting late and that we should probably start heading back to her place. Suffice it to say that was the longest car ride of my life. And it only lasted fifteen minutes.
Without further adieu here's a look at what I've been up to:
1. I got into a pretty bad car accident when I was driving back to NY from Florida. My car flipped several times and I wound up in a swamp on the side of the road. A lot of people have asked me what was going through my mind while I was in mid-air. And while it may be hard to believe the answer is: Josh Johnson. Johnson is a pitcher on the Florida Marlins who was pitching two days after my accident. And no joke I actually said to myself, "if I die who is going to check my fantasy teams and make sure that I have Josh Johnson starting?"
2. While I was down in Florida a temp agency that I went to offered me a job as an importer-exporter. It actually wasn't that bad of an offer. Decent pay, benefits, the whole nine yards. I would work at the airport on a night shift. However, I immediately said no.
My reasoning? The George Costanza comparisons were already running rampant. Everything from my dream job of working for the Yankees to the overflowing wallet. All that's been missing is about fifty pounds and a receding hairline. I don't think that I could have taken the comparisons if I also wound up working as an importer-exporter even if I didn't refer to myself as Art Vandalay.
3. Some things just aren't meant to be. I found that out after attempting to start a South Florida Writing Club. The group would have met weekly and would have been a forum for people to pitch script ideas and get feedback on their work. It would have been like a book club minus the soccer moms and metrosexuals.
However, on the night of our first meeting I went by the restuarant that we were going to meet at and much to my dismay the windows were boarded up! Just hours before we were going to launch my club and the restaurant had closed its doors to business! The club, suffice it to say, never met.
4. On the other hand, some things are too good to be true. For instance. What if someone was to tell you that you could make $10,000 tax free, not pay rent for three years, and have sex with a hot girl who just so happens to have a thing for 'jewish guys' anytime you wanted? Sounds good, right?
Well, there's always a catch or rather in Florida there's always someone looking to get married for a green card. I was offered such a deal from a nice girl from Colombia named Monica. Of course I said no. After all, if you thought that living in your parent's basement cramped your style, try bringing a girl home when you're married!
5. If wealth was determined by how much common sense you have I would be a single mother raising three kids by herself while working at a car factory in suburban Detroit. You see, during a softball game last summer I thought it would be a good idea to 'wait out' a passing storm by standing out in centerfield rather than going do the dugout like everyone else. I was certain that it was just a sun shower and that play would resume momentarily. I thought that I was going to come off looking smooth.
Instead I came off looking like your cat after it accidentally fell asleep in your washing machine on wash day. Not only that but my wallet and cell phone got soaked because my bag was directly underneath where the water was coming down off of the top of the dugout. So much for looking smooth.
6. A few months ago I went up to Boston to visit my sister who was running in her first half marathon. Keep in mind that she didn't play any sports growing up unless you count trigonometry as a sport. It is after all about as much of a sport as golf is. But anyway, she trained hard, and did a great job, finishing the whole race in about an hour and half and not even stopping once!
While I was standing at the finish line, catching my breath after the long walk from the t station, I begin to reminisce about the time that I ran a half marathon. Now keep in mind that at the time I attempted to run it, I was in the military and in the best shape of my life. Which makes it all the more amazing that I finished in 2 and a half hours, after getting rescued by a search party, but not before getting chased for dear life by a stray dog after I wandered off course. I came in second to last, only finishing ahead of a parapalegic who tried to hop the whole way.
7. My friend Brian and I recently coached a PAL basketball team of 12 and 13 year olds. After starting out 0-2 we got on a roll and made it the championship game, where unfortunately we lost on a last second buzzer beater from near half court!!! It was a great season although not for my psyche. It's kind of hard to show your face in public after losing in a one on one game to a 12 year old....when you're trying your hardest. That's almost as bad as the team I got schooled at the beach club by a 65 year old man with a deadly hook shot.
8. I'm sure you're all dying to hear what's going on with the ladies. And so I shall oblige. In the last ten months I've run the gauntlet of human emotions. I've had someone ask me to marry them (Monica) and I've asked someone else to marry me. (Allison, the offer still stands) I've fallen in love (Brittany Snow after watching John Tucker Must Die) and become a scorned ex (Brittany Snow after not returning my phone calls). I've searched for love online (jdate, myspace, craigslist, etc.) and while standing in line. (At publix) Unfortunately, love has alluded me thus far.
9. But nothing takes the cake or should I say the turkey like the now infamous Round Up incident. What had happened was that I was dating this girl from my softball league. We went on 2 previous dates and nothing happened. So now we're on that third date deadline of having to hook up before officially falling into the friend zone or as I like to call it, Craigland.
The night was going well and things soon progressed to my apartment after my roommate Brian offered up some of my left over Turkey from Thanksgiving as a late night snack. Leave it to Brian to seal the deal for me. This should be the part of the story where you put the kids to bed because things are about to get x rated. Instead it's the part of the story where you shake your head in disbelief and yell out, Craig!!!!!
That's because after my date returned from the bathroom I announced that it was getting late and that we should probably start heading back to her place. Suffice it to say that was the longest car ride of my life. And it only lasted fifteen minutes.
Other things you may have missed:
I went out to eat at Chilis for my birthday when I was down in Florida with a few friends. Only problem is that I gave my friend Kevin directions to the wrong Chilis! He finally joined up with us an hour later! And was not to happy about it. Especially when we didn't have any more room at our table for him and his girlfriend and they had to sit at the next table over!
Speaking of Kevin we went out on his boat once. It was a beautiful day and we were able to drop anchor at a sand bar and hang out. But then all of a sudden, as is often the case in Florida, the heavens opened up and we were suddenly in the middle of a tempest. We had to make our way back to the dock which was a few miles away. And of course our motor was broken and we could only go like 5 mph!! I feared for my life on more than one occassion. Which begs the question: Kevin when can we go out on your boat again?
High 5: Greatest Comebacks
I wanted to find a way to honor Borat during the blog's comeback. I thought about writing an article about baseball agent Scott Boras entitled, "Boras: Cultural Learnings of a Sports Agent for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Scott Boras Corp." But thought better of it when I realized that I might inadvertently daydream of a naked Boras wrestling a naked Bud Selig in a hotel room.
Instead what I came up with is a new feature called "High 5". Essentially it's a miniature version of a Top Ten List. Kicking off the festivities this week is a look at 5 Great Comebacks in honor of this blog rising from the ashes.
1. The Red Sox coming back from down 3-0 in the 2004 ALCS to beat the New York Yankees: They went on to win the World Series that year, their first of 2 World Series Championships in the last four years. No team had ever come back from a 3-0 deficit before. Considering that this was the moment that the curse was reversed it ranks as a sure fire #1 on this list.
A familar sight....
2. Michael Jordan (the first time): Any time you can walk away from a professional sport after winning three straight titles, try to play a different professional sport, and then come back to your original sport and win three more titles consecutively you deserve a lot of props.
Not the comeback I'm referring to....
3. New Orleans: Considering that President Bush didn't even want to rebuild after Hurricane Katrina turned the city into a cesspool it's been a remarkable road to recovery for N.O. It's no where near where it needs to be but with Mardi Gras and Chris Paul you can't go wrong.
Official poster from the New Orleans Board of Tourism....
4. Indiana Jones: Time to dust off that whip Indy. It's been twenty years since your last cinematic adventure but this summer everyone's favorite treasure hunter returns to the big screen. Going twenty years without seeing any action must have been hard for you. I should know. I'm almost half way there myself.
Indy then and now...
5. Ric Flair: In order to be the man you have to beat the man. And in order to make this list you have to survive a plane crash and go on to become the greatest wrestler of all time.
Wooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Instead what I came up with is a new feature called "High 5". Essentially it's a miniature version of a Top Ten List. Kicking off the festivities this week is a look at 5 Great Comebacks in honor of this blog rising from the ashes.
1. The Red Sox coming back from down 3-0 in the 2004 ALCS to beat the New York Yankees: They went on to win the World Series that year, their first of 2 World Series Championships in the last four years. No team had ever come back from a 3-0 deficit before. Considering that this was the moment that the curse was reversed it ranks as a sure fire #1 on this list.
A familar sight....
2. Michael Jordan (the first time): Any time you can walk away from a professional sport after winning three straight titles, try to play a different professional sport, and then come back to your original sport and win three more titles consecutively you deserve a lot of props.
Not the comeback I'm referring to....
3. New Orleans: Considering that President Bush didn't even want to rebuild after Hurricane Katrina turned the city into a cesspool it's been a remarkable road to recovery for N.O. It's no where near where it needs to be but with Mardi Gras and Chris Paul you can't go wrong.
Official poster from the New Orleans Board of Tourism....
4. Indiana Jones: Time to dust off that whip Indy. It's been twenty years since your last cinematic adventure but this summer everyone's favorite treasure hunter returns to the big screen. Going twenty years without seeing any action must have been hard for you. I should know. I'm almost half way there myself.
Indy then and now...
5. Ric Flair: In order to be the man you have to beat the man. And in order to make this list you have to survive a plane crash and go on to become the greatest wrestler of all time.
Wooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And honorable mention goes to red wine.....first its healthy for you, then it's not, then it is again! It's made almost as many comebacks as Brett Farve.
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