Shame(s) on You: Obessive Cell Phone Checkers

You've got mail. And it says that you're a douchebag.

That's right I'm talking about you Mr. Compulsive Cell Phone Checker Guy. And you Mrs. Oh My God I Just Have To Check My Phone Every Five Minutes Or I'm Gonna Like Die.

Get over yourselves. You're not that important. In fact, you're about as useful as NATO during an international conflict. You like to give off the appearance that you're important. But when it comes down to it no one gives a shit. So just stop checking your cell phone or PDA every two minutes. I promise you that you that your $2.78 Ebay bid for that Hannah Montana action figure will still be there when you get back home.

Now, I'll admit that I have an obsessive personality. I can't sleep the night before a softball game, I google myself at least once a week, I think that I actually have a shot with Brittany Snow, and I think constantly about my fantasy teams including to the point where I said to myself during my car accident "oh no, if I die whose going to check my fantasy baseball team?" And yet not even I am at the point where I check my phone every five minutes. Just every seven minutes. Which is clearly a reasonable amount of time. Everyone else on the other hand is going way overboard.

For example, here's a look at a few people obsessed with checking their phones:

Garbage man hanging onto the back of the truck with one hand presumably while checking myspace pictures of his weekend trip to the Jersey Shore.

Cashier at Taco Bell setting up a late night booty call instead of helping customers. I know that Taco Bell is at the bottom of the fast food totem poll but I expected more even from them.

Girl, not more than 9 years old, checking her phone while riding her bike. Most likely to set up a date later that night with a 43 year old man from Myspace.

Business woman in the elevator at work who missed her floor because she was busy looking at her phone. Presumably she spent half her lunch break just riding up and down in the elevator.

And the most egregious example of all. A guy sitting on a train station bench with two girls lying across his lap, one on each side of him, and instead of doing what any normal guy would do, he paid no attention to them, and instead checked his phone.

When I went to the Mets game last weekend I half expected to see Mets' shortstop Jose Reyes field ground balls while talking on this phone, something that I've personally seen the World's greatest softball player Rob Roll, do with relative ease.

But that's besides the point. The point is that you're all a bunch of annoying douchebags. I long for the days when I could take a dump in a public restroom and not hear the person next to me furiously typing away on their blackberry. I'd much rather hear them get rid of the chili they just had for lunch.

Can you hear me now? Biatches.