Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Issue #4: Wide World of Sports
The blog is back and this time I'm focusing on all things sport related. I rant and rave about the greatness that is Josh Hamilton, I discuss my obsession with fantasy sports, and instead of a girlfriend of the month I have a top ten list of the hottest girls in sports today. And no Chyna did not make the cut. So enjoy and try to keep the hate mail to a minimum. I get enough of that in my fantasy leagues.
The Natural
The year was 1999. I was still in high school which meant that I was most likely spending my time writing articles for the Sider Press that nobody was going to read, hiding love letters in bottles of shampoo for my girlfriend, or trying to watch wrestling pay per views through my scrambled tv set. Meanwhile Josh Hamtilon, star of this year's Homerun Derby, was getting selected by the aptly named Tampa Bay Devil Rays as the #1 overall pick in that year's amateur draft. Aptly named because the devil within would soon find Hamilton and derail his path to the majors.
For those of you who aren't in the know the story of Josh Hamilton aka the natural is really quite amazing. Young, rich and with plenty of time on his hands while rehabbing an injury in the minor leagues he fell into a hard partying life style that nearly took his life. Suspended from baseball it looked like Hamilton was going to be the greatest bust of all time instead of the greatest player of all time like he was supposed to be.
But somehow he was able to battle all the way back, got himself reinstated into baseball after proving that he was clean, and got selected by the Cincinnatti Reds in the Rule 5 draft a couple of years ago. He made the team out of spring training, had a good season, and then got traded to the Texas Rangers in the off season. Since then he's taken the league by storm, tallying 95 rbis by the all star break, and heading into Yankee Stadium as the odds on favorite to win the HR Derby.
And while it was fairly obvious that Hamilton was going to steal the show no one could have expected him to etch his name into Yankee Stadium lore. But that's exactly what he did last Monday night. Fifty years from now when people talk about the House that Ruth Built there's a good chance that they'll still be talking about Hamilton's power display. And having witnessed that display first hand all I can say is wow.
The derby is a cool event to go to if you ever get the chance. You get to watch all the all stars from both leagues taking batting practice, there's a free mini concert (Three Doors Down), and then 8 guys hit long homeruns that you can ooh and aah over. And if that's all that had happened and Josh Hamilton had never participated I still would have went home a satisified customer.
But this was more than a cool event. This was a moment. The kind of moment where time seems to stand still. Where you actually realize that you're about to become a part of history. Where the hair on your arm stands up and you get goose bumps all over your body. That kind of moment where you think to yourself, "okay now I can die happy". Or as I thought to myself, "so this must be what sex feels like". Yea, it was that kind of moment. And words can't do it justice. No matter how hard Chris Berman surely tried.
From the House that Ruth Built to the House that Hamilton Tore Down.
For those of you who aren't in the know the story of Josh Hamilton aka the natural is really quite amazing. Young, rich and with plenty of time on his hands while rehabbing an injury in the minor leagues he fell into a hard partying life style that nearly took his life. Suspended from baseball it looked like Hamilton was going to be the greatest bust of all time instead of the greatest player of all time like he was supposed to be.
But somehow he was able to battle all the way back, got himself reinstated into baseball after proving that he was clean, and got selected by the Cincinnatti Reds in the Rule 5 draft a couple of years ago. He made the team out of spring training, had a good season, and then got traded to the Texas Rangers in the off season. Since then he's taken the league by storm, tallying 95 rbis by the all star break, and heading into Yankee Stadium as the odds on favorite to win the HR Derby.
And while it was fairly obvious that Hamilton was going to steal the show no one could have expected him to etch his name into Yankee Stadium lore. But that's exactly what he did last Monday night. Fifty years from now when people talk about the House that Ruth Built there's a good chance that they'll still be talking about Hamilton's power display. And having witnessed that display first hand all I can say is wow.
The derby is a cool event to go to if you ever get the chance. You get to watch all the all stars from both leagues taking batting practice, there's a free mini concert (Three Doors Down), and then 8 guys hit long homeruns that you can ooh and aah over. And if that's all that had happened and Josh Hamilton had never participated I still would have went home a satisified customer.
But this was more than a cool event. This was a moment. The kind of moment where time seems to stand still. Where you actually realize that you're about to become a part of history. Where the hair on your arm stands up and you get goose bumps all over your body. That kind of moment where you think to yourself, "okay now I can die happy". Or as I thought to myself, "so this must be what sex feels like". Yea, it was that kind of moment. And words can't do it justice. No matter how hard Chris Berman surely tried.
From the House that Ruth Built to the House that Hamilton Tore Down.
My Greatest Sports Moments
The Home Run Derby last monday night was by far the best sporting event that I have ever been to. That's a bold statement and as someone in my fantasy baseball league said "you're either trying to justify the price you paid for the tickets or you haven't been to many sporting events." And while both of those statements may be true there's no denying that Josh Hamilton's hitting display is something that I will never forget. For those 30 minutes or so that Hamilton was hitting moonshot after moonshot I can honestly say that I had never had more fun in my life at a sporting event.
There's just something about screaming at the top of your lungs with total strangers, chanting someone's name with 55,000 of your new best friends, that lends itself to an unforgettable moment. At one point the hot dog vendor even put down his tray and watched a homerun that almost went out of Yankee Stadium! He then turned to me and asked did that go out? We then stood there talking about Mickey Mantle and other great Yankee players that he's had the chance to watch in all his years hawking hot dogs and he said to me he's never seen someone hit the ball like Hamilton. Anytime you can talk baseball with a hot dog vendor whose seen it all that's a good night.
Now here's a look at some of my other memorable sporting event moments:
#2. Rioting in the streets of Boston: I have a friend who loves to riot. He would literally travel to a city if he thinks they have a chance to win a national championship just so that he can take part in their riot as witnessed by his trek up to Syracuse, NY when Carmelo Anthony led the Orangemen to prominence. But even he would admit that's there something special about a riot when it happens in your own city. Luckily for me I was in Boston when the Patriots won the Super Bowl over the St. Louis Rams in dramatic fashion on a last second field goal by Adam Vinateiri and suffice it to say pandamonium ensued. Newspaper stands were kicked over, fireworks were set off, boobies were flashed, cars were flipped, heck even a bus was flipped. The city of Boston was nearly destroyed and it was awesome. At least it was until the riot police showed up and started shooting rubber bullets at people while deploying tear gas. Nonetheless it was unforgettable night.
#3. Playing basketball at Madison Square Garden: When I was at Northeastern I did a co-op assignment for MSG networks one summer. During which I got the chance to play basketball in the World's Most Famous Arena in a tournament for Garden employees. This was a special moment because playing on the Garden floor used to mean something before Isiah Thomas came along and fucked it all up. It still means something to a lot of people and it meant something to me then. To not only be on the same floor that Patrick Ewing and John Starks used to play on but to actually get to play in an organized game was something that I will never forget. Although I'm trying to forget that we lost 21-3 to a bunch of ringers who supposedly worked at the concession stands.
4. My encounter with Mike Timlin: It pains me to say this but one of my greatest sports moments occurred at Fenway Park. I actually got to go down on the field and meet some of the players during a Fan Appreciation Event prior to a game I was attending. At the time I had this really crazy haircut. I looked like a cross between a chia pet and a troll doll. So it shouldn't have surprised me that someone on the Red Sox would take a cheap shot at me. And of course veteran relief pitcher Mike Timlin took the bait coming up to me and saying, "hey man, nice hair. And here I thought Johnny Damon had a bad haircut." Damon by the way was sporting a caveman/Jesus Christ look at the time.
There's just something about screaming at the top of your lungs with total strangers, chanting someone's name with 55,000 of your new best friends, that lends itself to an unforgettable moment. At one point the hot dog vendor even put down his tray and watched a homerun that almost went out of Yankee Stadium! He then turned to me and asked did that go out? We then stood there talking about Mickey Mantle and other great Yankee players that he's had the chance to watch in all his years hawking hot dogs and he said to me he's never seen someone hit the ball like Hamilton. Anytime you can talk baseball with a hot dog vendor whose seen it all that's a good night.
Now here's a look at some of my other memorable sporting event moments:
#2. Rioting in the streets of Boston: I have a friend who loves to riot. He would literally travel to a city if he thinks they have a chance to win a national championship just so that he can take part in their riot as witnessed by his trek up to Syracuse, NY when Carmelo Anthony led the Orangemen to prominence. But even he would admit that's there something special about a riot when it happens in your own city. Luckily for me I was in Boston when the Patriots won the Super Bowl over the St. Louis Rams in dramatic fashion on a last second field goal by Adam Vinateiri and suffice it to say pandamonium ensued. Newspaper stands were kicked over, fireworks were set off, boobies were flashed, cars were flipped, heck even a bus was flipped. The city of Boston was nearly destroyed and it was awesome. At least it was until the riot police showed up and started shooting rubber bullets at people while deploying tear gas. Nonetheless it was unforgettable night.
#3. Playing basketball at Madison Square Garden: When I was at Northeastern I did a co-op assignment for MSG networks one summer. During which I got the chance to play basketball in the World's Most Famous Arena in a tournament for Garden employees. This was a special moment because playing on the Garden floor used to mean something before Isiah Thomas came along and fucked it all up. It still means something to a lot of people and it meant something to me then. To not only be on the same floor that Patrick Ewing and John Starks used to play on but to actually get to play in an organized game was something that I will never forget. Although I'm trying to forget that we lost 21-3 to a bunch of ringers who supposedly worked at the concession stands.
4. My encounter with Mike Timlin: It pains me to say this but one of my greatest sports moments occurred at Fenway Park. I actually got to go down on the field and meet some of the players during a Fan Appreciation Event prior to a game I was attending. At the time I had this really crazy haircut. I looked like a cross between a chia pet and a troll doll. So it shouldn't have surprised me that someone on the Red Sox would take a cheap shot at me. And of course veteran relief pitcher Mike Timlin took the bait coming up to me and saying, "hey man, nice hair. And here I thought Johnny Damon had a bad haircut." Damon by the way was sporting a caveman/Jesus Christ look at the time.
I Live In A Fantasy World
In the real world I'm finding that success is hard to come by. Whether it's socially, economically, romantically and any other ally that you can name. I can't even win a slow pitch softball championship if my life depended on it. And yet in the fantasy world that I spend most of my time in I'm one of the most decorated champions of all time. Over 70 top three finishes in fantasy baseball, football, and basketball leagues over the last four years. I'm like the Michael Phelps of fantasy sports.
I've gotten so good in fact that I'm actually at the point where I'm treating my leagues as a part time job of sorts since winning can net hundreds of dollars in profits. Currently I'm in six fantasy baseball pay leagues and I'm on pace to win money in five of them with an outside chance of winning money in the sixth with a strong finish.
Which begs the age old question of just how important are fantasy sports in my life? If I met the girl of my dreams tomorrow and she told me that I had to chose between her and fantasy sports what would I say?
To be perfectly honest....I would ask her if she knew who Alcides Escobar was. If she said yes I would propose to her right there on the spot. If she said no I would tell her to take a hike. You may think I'm crazy for saying that but I would rather participate in a live fantasy football draft than spoon with my girlfriend while watching The Notebook. Okay maybe that's a bad example because I'm sure that every guy in the world would rather go to the draft but you get my point. Fantasy sports are a big part of my life and I would never want to give that up for a girl. And any girl that would want you to do that isn't the right girl for you.
But all of that is really a moot point since we all know that I'm never going to find a girlfriend. Which is why I spend so much time with fantasy sports. It gives me something to do to take my mind off the fact that I can't get laid. Instead of worrying about how I have to hurry up and find a girlfriend before my hairline recedes any further I just focus on trying to trade for Albert "Winnie The" Pujols. Without fantasy sports I would probably be in therapy three times a week trying to figure out why I like cheese and hamburgers but not cheeseburgers.
Suffice it to say I think it's a good thing that I live in a fantasy world.
I've gotten so good in fact that I'm actually at the point where I'm treating my leagues as a part time job of sorts since winning can net hundreds of dollars in profits. Currently I'm in six fantasy baseball pay leagues and I'm on pace to win money in five of them with an outside chance of winning money in the sixth with a strong finish.
Which begs the age old question of just how important are fantasy sports in my life? If I met the girl of my dreams tomorrow and she told me that I had to chose between her and fantasy sports what would I say?
To be perfectly honest....I would ask her if she knew who Alcides Escobar was. If she said yes I would propose to her right there on the spot. If she said no I would tell her to take a hike. You may think I'm crazy for saying that but I would rather participate in a live fantasy football draft than spoon with my girlfriend while watching The Notebook. Okay maybe that's a bad example because I'm sure that every guy in the world would rather go to the draft but you get my point. Fantasy sports are a big part of my life and I would never want to give that up for a girl. And any girl that would want you to do that isn't the right girl for you.
But all of that is really a moot point since we all know that I'm never going to find a girlfriend. Which is why I spend so much time with fantasy sports. It gives me something to do to take my mind off the fact that I can't get laid. Instead of worrying about how I have to hurry up and find a girlfriend before my hairline recedes any further I just focus on trying to trade for Albert "Winnie The" Pujols. Without fantasy sports I would probably be in therapy three times a week trying to figure out why I like cheese and hamburgers but not cheeseburgers.
Suffice it to say I think it's a good thing that I live in a fantasy world.
The Shames-o-Matic Prediction Meter
Here's a look at some things that are guaranteed to happen over the next few months in the world of sports:
Brett Farve will get traded to the New York Jets for a second round pick and then pull a Bill Belichick and retire just to avoid having to play for the Jets. He will then unretire and lead the Indianapolis Colts to the Super Bowl after Peyton Manning goes down with a knee injury in Week 5. He will then retire again during Super Bowl media week, just to avoid having to talk to the media, and then return at halftime of the Big Game to lead the Colts to victory. Afterwards he will retire again.
Brett Farve will get traded to the New York Jets for a second round pick and then pull a Bill Belichick and retire just to avoid having to play for the Jets. He will then unretire and lead the Indianapolis Colts to the Super Bowl after Peyton Manning goes down with a knee injury in Week 5. He will then retire again during Super Bowl media week, just to avoid having to talk to the media, and then return at halftime of the Big Game to lead the Colts to victory. Afterwards he will retire again.
The Manning brothers will get more tv time this fall than John McCain.
I will attempt to play softball and then not be able to walk for two weeks.
The Patriots will go undefeated again and then lose in the Super Bowl again this time to the Dallas Cowboys. Pacman Jones will then get banned from football after celebrating with the Cowboys Cheerleaders at Disney World in the Alice in Wonderland ride which he mistakenly thought was the name of a strip club.
Alex Rodriguez will make headlines when he's seen hanging out backstage at a Hannah Montana concert.
I'll bring a girl that I met on Craigslist to a Mets game, spend over a $100 on the evening, then not make a move, and never talk to her again.
Tiger Woods will win a golf tournament that he doesn't even play in.
John Sterling will get overly excited during a Yankees game and mistakenly rule a 6-4-3 double play a homerun.
Facebook stalking will be added as an Olympic event. Justin Bender will win the Gold Medal.
Jose Canseco will challenge Mark McGwire to a PPV arm wrestling match.
Vince McMahon will fake his own death for the third time.
Kobe Bryant will write a rap song about Shaquielle O'Neal which will feature the lyric: "You can't rap, and you're a fat piece of crap".
Top Ten Hotties
In lieu of the girlfriend of the month feature I thought I would make a top ten list of the hottest girls in sports.
10. Danica Patrick
The only reason to watch the WNBA. Apologies to Rebecca Lobo.
5. Christine Taylor
Greatest Dodgeball player ever.
Cutest sports columnist in the World. Take that Lupica.
Mt. Saint Andrews
Cheerleaders are real athletes too!! Even movie cheerleaders!!!!
10. Danica Patrick
Actually makes NASCAR worth watching. Then again....
9. Jenny Finch
9. Jenny Finch
How could softball get left out of the Olympics with Jenny on the team?!
8, Anna Kournikova
Does she even play tennis anymore?
7. Sacha Cohen
Sexy time?
6. Becky Hammon
The only reason to watch the WNBA. Apologies to Rebecca Lobo.
5. Christine Taylor
Greatest Dodgeball player ever.
4. Kelly Kelly
Wrestling is fake in more ways than one. But not Kelly Kelly.
Wrestling is fake in more ways than one. But not Kelly Kelly.
3. PJ aka Jordana Spiro
Cutest sports columnist in the World. Take that Lupica.
2. Erin Andrews
Mt. Saint Andrews
1. Brittany Snow
Cheerleaders are real athletes too!! Even movie cheerleaders!!!!
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
I wonder what Christian Bale and his mom and sister were arguing about before he allegedly assaulted them? I think it may have gone something like this:
"Mom: Christian why are you wearing that silly cape around the house?
Christian: I'm Batman!
Sister: No you're not. You just play Batman in the movies.
Christian: Shut up Joker! I'm Batman!
POW. WHAM."
In all seriousness though I wonder who is going to Bale him out of prison? Get it?
My new favorite quote as told by Jim Kaat during a recent Yankees broadcast: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift that's why they call it the present."
What do you think sounds louder when you chew it? Pretzels or carrots?
I don't know what a deviated septum is but it sounds cool.
I still can't figure out why tourists like to go to Ground Zero. There's nothing to see there. It's just a giant construction site. If they want to see a giant construction site they should visit Northeastern's campus at 3 am.
How come people have to learn how to drive but no one ever has to learn how to walk? If you think about it no one really knows how to walk. People are bumping into each other left and right. Talking on their cell phones while they walk. Trying to read a book while they walk. Walking in groups that take up the whole length of the sidewalk so that you can't pass. Walking at different speeds. Where is the walking speed lane? How do you alert other pedestrians to the fact that you want to slow down, speed up, or change directions?
I wonder what Christian Bale and his mom and sister were arguing about before he allegedly assaulted them? I think it may have gone something like this:
"Mom: Christian why are you wearing that silly cape around the house?
Christian: I'm Batman!
Sister: No you're not. You just play Batman in the movies.
Christian: Shut up Joker! I'm Batman!
POW. WHAM."
In all seriousness though I wonder who is going to Bale him out of prison? Get it?
My new favorite quote as told by Jim Kaat during a recent Yankees broadcast: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift that's why they call it the present."
What do you think sounds louder when you chew it? Pretzels or carrots?
I don't know what a deviated septum is but it sounds cool.
I still can't figure out why tourists like to go to Ground Zero. There's nothing to see there. It's just a giant construction site. If they want to see a giant construction site they should visit Northeastern's campus at 3 am.
How come people have to learn how to drive but no one ever has to learn how to walk? If you think about it no one really knows how to walk. People are bumping into each other left and right. Talking on their cell phones while they walk. Trying to read a book while they walk. Walking in groups that take up the whole length of the sidewalk so that you can't pass. Walking at different speeds. Where is the walking speed lane? How do you alert other pedestrians to the fact that you want to slow down, speed up, or change directions?
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