Issue #2: Transitional Period

I wanted to make issue #2 all about Hollywood but I realized that I still have too many other things to talk about. But I did want to write about Hollywood a little bit at the same time. So I figured it would be best to make this a transitional issue where I do a little of everything. So be sure to check out the return of last issue's smash hit "Things You May Have Missed" featuring the greatest prank of all time as well as my summer movie preview and the debut of Patches Fitzpatrick, the greatest fictional character ever created.

Enjoy.

Even More Things You May Have Missed

I really hated going to physical therapy for my back. And not because it was time consuming, or painful. Rather because it was obscenely embarrassing every time I went. For those of you not in the know, the first part of my treatment was electric stimulation for my back. All I had to do was left up my shirt, have a pad applied (sometimes have it taped down so that it would stay in place), and then take a nap for twenty minutes while I was massaged. Sounds easy enough.

Except for the part where I lift up my shirt. Because in doing so I revealed a horrifying sight to the PT assistants. A sight like nothing they had ever seen before. And a sight that they felt like they had to share with everyone else in the office. Just picture an Asian girl shouting to her friend, "You come here. You need to see this. (laughter) You come here now!!" Or my personal favorite, "we're gonna need more tape!!!"

It's no secret that I hate bugs, vermins, creepy crawlers, etc. all. I did after all have to have my friend Heidi throw out the mouse traps that got used up in my apartment in college because I was afraid to go near them. So it should come as no surprise that while living in Florida I was afraid to go into my kitchen when there was a little baby lizard in there. Not even a full grown lizard mind you. But a little tiny lizard that was so small that you could barely even put it in your hand without it falling through your fingers. Not going into the kitchen is one thing. Asking your roommate to pour you a glass of Orange Juice is quite another.

I had a massive crush on this girl all through elementary school. Nothing ever came of it, partly because her parents wouldn't let her date at the time, and more likely because it's me we're talking about. I haven't seen this girl in years but still held out hope that fate would one day reunite us. Unfortunately for me my timing sucks. For this girl moved five minutes away from my apartment in Florida!!!! 2 weeks after I moved back to NY!!! And not only that but her roommate is this other girl that I had a massive crush on during elementary school!!!! And to make matters worse the two of them went on a double date with my former roommate and my other friend, Oren!!!!!!!!!! I should have never moved back to NY. First the car accident and now this. And I think this may be worse. Because you can fix a broken car. And you can treat a back injury. But you can never heal a broken heart.

****UPDATE*****

I'm heading down to Florida next weekend to visit my old stomping grounds. I figured that since I'm down there it would be cool if I could get together with these two girls and catch up on old times. And since they've already met my friends it would make a group hangout go very smoothly. So I emailed the girl who had moved down there to see if she wanted to kayaking with us on Saturday afternoon. And what she said shocked me. I could have taken rejection. But not what followed.

For she said and I quote, "I have no idea what you're talking about. Who is Oren? I've been living in DC for the last four years!!"

Turns out that the entire thing was an elaborate hoax. Oren never ran into this girl at the mall. There was no double date or other times that they hung out. For the last six months I've been under the belief that the two loves of my life were living together a few minutes away from where I just was. And the whole time I was kicking myself over it. And it never happened.

A part of me wants to tip my hat to Oren and Brian for pulling off the greatest prank of all time. But another part of me never wants to talk to either of them ever again. And that's the part that's winning out right now.

Instant Celebrity

The best part about the internet, besides the free porn of course, is that anyone and everyone can become an instant celebrity. All it takes is a camcorder and a dream. Or in my case a bag of popcorn and a camcorder held by someone else.

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/craig-loves-popcorn/1666334497


PS: Brian, I hate you.

The Other Craig Shames

I'm a compulsive self googler. You never know when you're going to make you way into the Sunday edition of the Chicago Times, have a poem that you wrote get stolen by a girl who lives in India or draw the wrath of a feminist group. (All true stories by the way) So, it should come as no surprise that a movie review that I wrote about Spider Man 3 made its way into The Times, A Brittish newspaper.

Here's what I had to say:

"This movie was a dreadful disappointment. I was very excited about seeing it and got tickets a week in advance for IMAX. Maybe it was just my expectations were too high, but I was actually excited for it to be over. The entire thing was contrived and sophomoric , I'm sorry thats an oversight it is less then that it was not even Freshamoric. Even the excited prepubescent fanboys around me left feeling let down. Its no wonder the cast is sick of the franchise, they knew how bad this movie was. The script was terrible and it dragged the entire way. The fight scenes were few and far between and lacked any plausible realism (I know the whole concept lacks realism but the CGI was too much), plus I was so bored I did not really care by the end. Oh and bad ass Tobey just did not work - I like him as an actor, but a new hairstyle and ridiculous dancing to be cool was laughable. corporate Hollywood sold spiderman's soul."

- Craig Shames, Boston, MA

The only problem is that I've never seen Spider Man 3 and didn't write that review. It does sound exactly like something I would have written though and I find it more than just a mere coincidence that it has my name on it and lists me as living in Boston, MA which I did for 4 years.

Now either someone who writes for the newspaper made up that quote and attributed my name to it, presumably after getting it off a mailing list that they bought off of those bastards at Northeastern University. Or there's another Craig Shames running around out there. Scarry thought, huh?

Well I did a little bit of research and I found out that there is another Craig Shames who lives in Boston. He's actually a grad student at the New England School of Law. Check out the striking resemblance.

He seems like a pretty cool guy. I wonder if he likes licorice nibs, Natalie Portman or Lost?

Twilight Zone Update

For over a year now I've believed that I've been living in what I can only describe as a version of the Twilight Zone. Basically what has been happening is that whatever I have thought about has come true in some format. Most people will say then why don't you think about getting a girlfriend, job, or a million bucks. But it doesn't work like that. I can't think about something and have it happen. It's more of like I have to think about something without consciously doing so. It seems to me as though conscious thoughts don't work out but if I daydream about something or just think about it in passing for a quick minute then it comes true.

I have literally thousands of examples that I could give you to try to make a believer out of you but a recent one works best I think. Last week I was watching tv and come across MTV and Nick Cannon's show Wild N' Out. I said to myself that Nick Cannon is somewhat of a big star at this point. I bet that when he's go out to the hot spots in LA everyone is cool with him. It's like if Hollywood was High School he would be the BMOC. As I continued to think about Cannon I thought to myself that as big of a star as he is he's not quite that big. It would be good for his career if he had a high profile relationship with another big star. Someone even bigger than him. 2 days later it was announced that Cannon and Mariah Carey were married!!!!





Are you a believer now?

Summer Movie Preview

Here's a look at some of the big movies coming out this summer:

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: After the first Indiana Jones movie came out I went out and bought an official Indy whip!!! I thought it was the coolest thing ever and I was going around my house whipping everything in sight. Until I tried to latch onto a tree branch and got the whip stuck in a tree! I couldn't get in down and I still don't think I've ever fully recovered from that traumatic expereince. Combine that with the time that I bought a toy Pirates of the Caribbean sword at Disney World and promptly broke it when I tried to stick into the ground and its no wonder that I'm as messed up as I am. What any of that has to do with the movie I don't know. I'm sure it'll be worth seeing.

2. Iron Man: Seems to have gotten good reviews so far. But then again it is a comic book movie and it is starring Robert Downey Jr. You might like it but I have zero interest in seeing it after witnessing the carnage that was the Fantastic Four and the Incredible Hulk.

3. Sex and the City movie: For the first time in my life I'm actually glad that I don't have a girlfriend right now.

4. Pineapple Express: If it's made by Judd Apatow and company it's worth seeing. Although I have to admit that this movie about a pair of stoners on the run after witnessing a murder looks like it may have been better left on the editing room floor. Oh, who am I kidding. I'll be there on opening night just like everyone else.

5. Hancock: If it has Will Smith in it and it comes out during the summer time I'm probably going to see it. Independence Day, Bad Boys, I am Legend, I Robot, Men in Black - Smith is the top actor in Hollywood for summer blockbusters. But is he a big enough box office draw to make me want to go see Hancock, which looks like it could be another Wild Wild West? Most likely.

6. The Dark Knight: I don't think I can go see this movie. I'm kind of crept out watching anything that has Heath Ledger in it right now. Seriously I can't even watch my limited edition director's cut "Ten Things I Hate About You" DVD anymore.

7. You Don't Mess with the Zohan: This movie looks horrible but I can't wait for it come out just so that when it does I can start saying You Don't Mess with the Johan Santana.

8. Tropic Thunder: This Ben Stiller flick hasn't been getting a lot of publicity but I think it could be the surprise hit of the summer. After all, what's not to like about a movie starring Stiller and the aforementioned Downey Jr. as a black guy.

9. The Sister of the Travelling Pants 2: It's time like these that I wish I had a girlfriend. Then I could go see this movie and just say that my girlfriend made me go see it.

10. The Happening: M. Night Shyamalan plus Marky Mark equals box office gold. Like with any M. Night production I have no idea what this movie is about. But it actually looks cool.

The Amazingly True Adventures of Patches Fitzpatrick

There is a man who lives at 32 Darden Lane. Some would say that he is the ideal man. Quiet and unassuming yet assertive he has a way about him that alludes to an inner confidence. A former second lieutenant in the U.S. Army he is loyal to a fault and exactly the kind of guy that you want to have your back in battle. Women adore him and men are envious of him.

He didn't just live his life. He went out and got after it. Chased it down until he had every aspect of it under control. Perfect credit score. Ferrari parked in the driveway. Beautiful women coming and going at all hours of the night. According to Mrs. Clover, the resident town gossiper and know-it-all, he had even been known to date a few celebrities. He was in fact, almost a celebrity himself. At least of the local variety. Everyone in town either knew him, knew of him, or wanted to know more about him.

I would like to be able to say that he kept his friends close and his enemies closer. But it's hard to imagine him having any enemies. You would be hard pressed to find someone who could say anything bad about him. After all, what's not to like about a guy who runs a six minute mile, took three months off from his job to help build homes in New Orleans during the aftermath of Katrina, and who volunteers every Sunday morning at a nursing home running a seminar that he created entitled "putting getting old on hold".

If the human race decided to clone one person, it's safe to say that this man would get a majority of the votes. His life was the kind of life that everyone else wishes they could have. The kind of life that you read about in books or watch in movies. No one actually ever does all of the things that he did. No one actually plays airport roulette and gets on the first flight to Europe that opens up. No one that is, except for this man.

If it can be done, he's probably done it. And most likely done it well. He probably has a thousand stories to tell about his life. About where he's been, what he's done, and where he's going. Stories that could enthrawl and entertain and make the imagination work overtime. But unfortunatley I am not here to tell his story. As intersting as it is it's going to have to wait for another day. For another author to come along perhaps.

Rather I'm here to tell the story of the man who lives at 33 Darden Lane. A man who to say the least, is decidely less interesting than the man who lives at 32 Darden Lane. I'm here to tell the story of one, Patches Fitzpatrick.

Girlfriend of the Week: Blake Lively

I don't watch Gossip Girl which may come as a surprise to you considering that the Gilmore Girls and One Tree Hill are two of my favorite shows. But I haven't taken notice to the break out star of that show, an actress, who I first noticed in the highly underrated movie, Accepted. The one and only Blake Lively. Now this is one girl that is definitely worth Lively for.

Week In Review

Random thoughts from the last week:

Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in jail for tax evasion. I wonder if this means that he'll now be playing CF for a team in the California Penal League?

Props to the Daily News for also making fun of Snipes but doing it even better than I could. In their Sunday edition three weeks ago they first wondered if Snipes was going to nail a pair of batting gloves to the wall for each day he's in prison. They then wondered if Omar Epps was available to take his place after the first year.

First 3rd Rock from the Sun and now 30 Rock. What is NBC contractually obligated to have a sitcom with the number 3 and the word rock in the title at all times?

Speaking of NBC why doens't Friday Night Lights air on Friday night?

MTV now has a reality tv show about a high school newspaper. I wish they had this when I was the sports editor of the Sider Press! I could have fulfilled my life long dream of being on a reality tv show!

You can't tell me that McDonald's doesn't try to market to kids. The McDonald's in my town was recently renovated and now includes a flat screen tv. The tv plays the Cartoon Network 24/7.

If something costs zero dollars plus tax how much does it cost? While you ponder that I thought it was worth mentioning that there are two things in my life that I just suck at. Well more than two but two that I really suck at. Math, specifically percentages. And trying to remember the difference between a conservative and liberal. And yes I was a political science major in college.

Yankees 3B Alex Rodriguez reportedly passed out during the birth of his first child. We already knew that AROD couldn't deliver in the clutch but apparently he can't deliver in the hospital either.