The Real Olympics

Michael Phelps swam. Usain Bolt ran. The redeem team found redemption. The men's volleyball team triumphed over tragedy. And in between, amongst the Tibetian protestors and communist supporters, under the watchful eye of the entire world, amidst age altering allegations and suspicions of steriod use, athletes competed, medals were won, and world domination was acheived. Yada, yada, yada. Who really cares other than the executives at NBC who sat on a cash cow for 2 weeks? Not me, that's for sure.

The Olympics are a lot like the really hot, high maintenance, superficial girl in the corner of the bar. Sure she looks really good and saying that you got with her would make all of your friends envious but is it ultimately worth going through all the trouble? Three weeks ago no one had even heard of Shawn Johnson and two years from now no one is going to remember who the hell she is.

But there's a solution out there. Make the Olympics more relatable to the common man. Why force feed us a mundane event like ping pong when you can set up a beer pong tournament? Marathoning? Boring!!! Instead introduce Olympic power walking. Olympians start out at the entrance to a subway station located one mile away from their office and have to make it there in under ten minutes without running and without bumping into any pedestrians.

Rowing? No thanks. I'd rather watch subway surfing in which participants have to retain their balance on the express train without holding onto anything. Degree of difficulty points added on for completing the New York Times crossword puzzle.

And while we're at it can we please add in competive eating events. No one is going to sit by their tv on a beautiful summer night and watch the uneven bars but I'm willing to bet that millions of people would pass up a stroll on the board walk to watch a bunch of fat guys eat. I can picture it now. Ten fat guys walk into an all you can eat buffet. One man waddles out with a gold medal and unparaleled pride. The other 9 walk out with a fortune cookie and roll of toilet paper. Now that's must see tv.