Five Minutes With God

Yesterday, my friend Meredith (think Lucy from 7th Heaven) asked me if I could fill out a survey for her about my beliefs or lack there of in God. She's in Colorado this summer at a training seminar for the Campus Crusade, an organization that helps college students understand their faith. Being the well known atheist that I am, she wanted to interview me to get a contrasting view to her beliefs.

The hour long survey/debate was a lot of fun as we bantered back and forth about whether or not there is a god and if so if he OR SHE (feminists, are you happy now?) would be a Yankees or Red Sox fan.

Here is an abridged transcript of our conversation:

Meredith: Do you believe in God?

Me: Yes, because I was driving upstate once and saw a truck for G.O.D. (Guaranteed Overnight Delivery). I believe that if they are going to guarantee it, then chances are pretty good that your package will get there.

Meredith: No, I meant GOD, not G.O.D. You know the all knowing, omniscient Creator of the Universe.

Me: Oh, that God. No I don't. Back in the day people used to believe that the Earth was flat and that the planets revolved around the Earth. They also thought that there was a God who created everything. Clearly mankind wasn't that smart back in the day. They wised up to the curvature of the Earth and the inner workings of the solar system. So, it's only a matter of time until they wise up and realize there's no such thing as God as well.

Meredith: Why do you think people continue to believe in God then?

Me: I think they like having something to believe in. They like having faith that things are going to get better. But I don't need to believe in God to know things are gonna work out. I believe in Derek Jeter. And there's no way the Yankees will keep sucking with Jeter on the team. I have faith in him to lead the Yankees to the promised land (that being the World Series and not Heaven).

Meredith: If you don't believe in God, what do you believe in?

Me: I believe that one day I'll find a girl drunk enough to give me her phone number. I believe that one day Brian Malfettone will think of a joke himself. I believe that one day Sean Gordon will come out of the closet. I believe that one day Leigh Taginski will wear a shirt that's not white. I believe in a lot of things as a matter of fact. After all, anything is possible. Heck, there might even come a time when Brian Berkowicz is only dating two girls at one time instead of his customary seven.

Meredith: What about miracles. Do you believe in them?

Me: Like the Red Sox winning the World Series?

Meredith: More like paralyzed people suddenly being able to walk again.

Me: Well it happened to John Locke on Lost so I'm sure it's possible. But I think that had more to do with the mysterious island than with God.

Meredith: What would you say to someone who is very religious?

Me: I would say that you're wasting your time. I would much rather be updating my top ten list of hot girls (Kate Hudson is the new #1), writing fan mail to Kelly Clarkson (she has yet to write back, although, I have received some correspondence from her lawyers), blogging, and checking my 23 fantasy baseball teams.

Meredith: What do you think the meaning of life is?

Me: To procreate and keep your species alive as long as possible to see just how advanced you can get. The Dinosaurs got taken out by an asteriod. Who knows how evolved they would have become if they were still around. The point of life therefore is to survive at all costs in an attempt to find out just how evolved your species can become. We only use 10% of our brains now. Imagine where we'll be in a few thousand years if we can make it that far. Maybe we will be up to 50% brain usage by then. Or maybe we'll have colonized other planets by then. In theory, the meaning of life is to stick around long enough to get to the point where you become smart enough to understand what the meaning of life is. If that makes sense.

Meredith: Not at all. But you mentioned something about procreating. If that's the meaning of life wouldn't that make your life pretty meaningless right now?

Me: Fair enough.

Meredith: Is there anything that will make you believe in God?

Me: He's supposedly this all powerful being who can part water, and make it rain locusts. If he could somehow turn my blow up doll into a real girl, I would be thoroughly impressed. And then, yeah, I would be a believer.

Meredith: If you could talk to God, what would you ask him?

Me: God, why did you make me so hairy?

Meredith: (Akward silence) Craig, I think I have to go now.

Me: God speed.

Well there you have it. Five minutes with God. Also known as the last time that Meredith will ever ask me for help with her homework.