Craig: The Formative Years

After moving out of Brooklyn, we settled down in Baldwin on the South Shore of Long Island. It was here that a series of events traumatized me, turning me into the full fledged headcase that I am today. Here are some highlights from grades k-6.

Kindergarten: Paid off Seth Koslow in fruit snacks so that no bullies would mess with me. With Seth as my personal body guard I was king of the playground and had seven girlfriends.

First grade: I drank so much orange juice and ate so many carrots and orange peanut butter crackers that my skin actually turned orange. No joke. I actually went to the doctor, concerned that the old adage of, 'you are what you eat' would come true. I changed my diet and luckily my skin pigmentation reverted back to its natural form. I haven't ate peanut butter crackers since.

Second grade: As Jamie Fried reminded me of on Sunday, this was the year that I pronounced my love to Stacey Rothstein, giving her a mood ring amongst other inanimate objects that prove how much of a tool I was, even at 8 years old.

Third grade: The height of my elementary school popularity as I was president of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan club. Meetings were held during recess and consisted of us exchanging drawings and discussing our favorite episodes. Club lasted for 2 weeks before being disbanded in favor of a Duck Tales fan club.

Fourth grade: Was picked last in lunch time football despite the fact that one of my best friends, Brian Malfattone, was one of the captains. Incidents such as this one permanently scarred me for life, creating an inferiority complex worse than that of the Boston Red Sox.

Fifth grade: Regularly saw a speech therapist to help me separate the difference between soldier and shoulder. Having a speech impediment in elementary school was rough but at least the fact that I'm a virgin was actually socially acceptable at the time.

Sixth grade: Asked out Heather Rauch for 165 consecutive days and was rejected 165 times. This let to me holding a life time grudge against arch rival nemesis Andrew Prusack who wound up going with her to the school dance. To add injury to insult he later told my date, Michelle Green, that I planned on making a move at the dance resulting in Michelle dumping me before we even went. It woudn't be the first time that I would get dumped before actually going out with the person (see Sari Shulman in 8th grade), but it would be the last time that Andrew Prusack would mess with me. Our feud reached it's climax one day during recess when he threw a football at me, as hard as he could, from a foot away, which I caught and threw back at him in one of the smoothest moments of my life. I proceeded to rain haymakers on the side of his head which resulted in me getting called into the Principal's office for the first and only time in my life. She let me off the hook though because she didn't like Andrew either.

After sixth grade I moved to Oceanside, where I.....