Well it's time for my 12th Olympic Games and to be honest with you the only things I can remember from the first 11 are Tonya Harding, the Dream Team, Canadian judges, the security guard turned hero turned suspect in Atlanta, and Mary Lou Retton.
I hope that these games, while lacking in hype (the locals don't even seem to care), will wind up being more memorable than past versions. The Shames-o-matic prediction meter seems to think they will be. Here's a look at what I expect to go down:
The U.S. will win the most medals in the history of the Olympic games showing our unmatched access to designer steriods, er, I mean our athletic superiority.
Included in our impressive medal count will be an entire sweep of every event involving the words snow and board. That's three medals per event per gender. That will single handedly help set the record for most medals.
Shaun White and Lindsey Jacobellis will become house hold names.
China will garner the second most medals showing that they are a country to be reckoned with in the near future. Cold War 2 anyone?
After speed skating and ice skating debacles in the last Olympics chances are pretty good that this time around they'll be another judging controversy involving a sport that takes place on ice.
Da Ali G will win women's figure skating gold and become America's new sweetheart.
Michelle Kwan will come in a disappointing 8th place after several falls and will announce her retirement.
NBC will announce that a 3 am television infomercial featuring workout fiend Billy Blanks earned a higher rating than curling.
Katie Couric will upstage the entire Olympics and send shockwaves throughout the news world with her stunning announcement that she's leaving NBC to become the lead 6pm news anchor at CBS.
A bomb scare will cancel at least one event.
Attendance will be at an all time low because nobody knows where the hell Turin is.
All of the hockey teams will stage a lock out and just like with the NHL nobody will notice for six months.
Speaking of hockey Team Canada will win the gold medal for the second straight time after rallying around embattled GM Wayne Gretzky.
At least one local product from Italy will win gold and become the talk of the town. Chances are it will be a downhill skier.
Bode Miller will say something stupid, almost get kicked off the team, and then win a gold medal. Afterwards he will reveal that he did it while hungover. Miller and David Wells will then co-author a book titled, 'how to set records while hungover'.
To raise awareness about softball getting eliminated as an Olympic sport Jenny Finch will go down the luge naked.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
You Call This Journalism?
I've become very upset recently with the journalistic quality of some things I've been reading. I know good journalism when I see it having won awards from Newsday for my high school sports reporting and what I've been seeing lately is not good journalism. As such here are two letters to the editor that I would send in if I wasn't so lazy:
1. To the New York Daily News. Re: Wrestling columnist.
First off, I just wanted to say that I think it's great that you have wrestling coverage in your newspaper both in terms of a weekly column and how you publish the match results from events. Most newspapers don't consider wrestling a 'real' sport and therefore something worthy of their print. It has a huge following though and is about as real as boxing these days so I give you credit for informing your readers about it. It's that kind of outside the box thinking that has earned you the title of 'New York's Best Sports Section.'
However, I am writing to you today not to applaud you but rather to rip you for employing a no-nothing hack as your wrestling columnist. All he does is give a play by play recap of events that most of us already know the results to. He provides no insight, analysis, or information that we couldn't get ourselves just by watching the shows. All he does is annoy us with references to his fictional aunts Thelma and Louise.
His columns aren't funny or informative and they provide no motivation to continue reading them. I'm glad that you cover wrestling but it pains me to see the idea wasted in this format. There are hundreds of columnists who write for various pro wrestling websites. Why not hire one of them to do your reporting instead of this ass clown?
It's no wonder that he writes under an alias and hides his face behind a mask. I would too if my writing was as bad as his. Please do us all a favor and not even have wrestling coverage if this is the best that you can do.
Sincerely,
A concerned wrestling fan and Daily News subscriber
2. To Street & Smith's. Re: Baseball Preview Edition
I bought your annual baseball preview magazine while on my lunch break recently because I wanted something informative that would prime me for my 20 upcoming fantasy baseball drafts. I didn't expect your magazine to be completely up to date with all the latest roster transactions considering it's early publication date. I was okay with that. I really just wanted to see last year's statistics and I liked that you listed each team's top ten prospects.
However, while skimming through your magazine I quickly became highly disappointed in the quality of your work. On the Yankees' preview page you mention in the transaction column that they added relief pitcher Ron Villone from the Marlins in a trade. But then when you list the members of their bullpen there's no mention of Villone. Why the exclusion?
Worse off, when reading about the defending World Series champion Chicago White Sox I was surprised to learn that they no longer had 18 game winner Jon Garland on their pitching staff? Had they traded him without me knowing about it? Nope, he was there on their 40 man roster. There was just no mention of him in the article and his name was omitted from the projected rotation in favor of rookie Brandon McCarthy. How you can forget about a 18 game winner like Garland is beyond me. Maybe you're just clairvoyant and figure that the White Sox will just trade him during spring training as has been rumored.
I'm sure there are other typos and ommissions but after the Garland snafu I stopped reading so I can't tell you for sure if there are. To make up for your shotty journalism I would ideally like for you to mail me a check for $6.99 but since that's not going to happen I just want you to know that I'm going to start my own baseball preview magazine. It's going to be entirely written by first graders and something tells me that it'll be better written that yours.
Sincerely,
A 'disappointed' reader
1. To the New York Daily News. Re: Wrestling columnist.
First off, I just wanted to say that I think it's great that you have wrestling coverage in your newspaper both in terms of a weekly column and how you publish the match results from events. Most newspapers don't consider wrestling a 'real' sport and therefore something worthy of their print. It has a huge following though and is about as real as boxing these days so I give you credit for informing your readers about it. It's that kind of outside the box thinking that has earned you the title of 'New York's Best Sports Section.'
However, I am writing to you today not to applaud you but rather to rip you for employing a no-nothing hack as your wrestling columnist. All he does is give a play by play recap of events that most of us already know the results to. He provides no insight, analysis, or information that we couldn't get ourselves just by watching the shows. All he does is annoy us with references to his fictional aunts Thelma and Louise.
His columns aren't funny or informative and they provide no motivation to continue reading them. I'm glad that you cover wrestling but it pains me to see the idea wasted in this format. There are hundreds of columnists who write for various pro wrestling websites. Why not hire one of them to do your reporting instead of this ass clown?
It's no wonder that he writes under an alias and hides his face behind a mask. I would too if my writing was as bad as his. Please do us all a favor and not even have wrestling coverage if this is the best that you can do.
Sincerely,
A concerned wrestling fan and Daily News subscriber
2. To Street & Smith's. Re: Baseball Preview Edition
I bought your annual baseball preview magazine while on my lunch break recently because I wanted something informative that would prime me for my 20 upcoming fantasy baseball drafts. I didn't expect your magazine to be completely up to date with all the latest roster transactions considering it's early publication date. I was okay with that. I really just wanted to see last year's statistics and I liked that you listed each team's top ten prospects.
However, while skimming through your magazine I quickly became highly disappointed in the quality of your work. On the Yankees' preview page you mention in the transaction column that they added relief pitcher Ron Villone from the Marlins in a trade. But then when you list the members of their bullpen there's no mention of Villone. Why the exclusion?
Worse off, when reading about the defending World Series champion Chicago White Sox I was surprised to learn that they no longer had 18 game winner Jon Garland on their pitching staff? Had they traded him without me knowing about it? Nope, he was there on their 40 man roster. There was just no mention of him in the article and his name was omitted from the projected rotation in favor of rookie Brandon McCarthy. How you can forget about a 18 game winner like Garland is beyond me. Maybe you're just clairvoyant and figure that the White Sox will just trade him during spring training as has been rumored.
I'm sure there are other typos and ommissions but after the Garland snafu I stopped reading so I can't tell you for sure if there are. To make up for your shotty journalism I would ideally like for you to mail me a check for $6.99 but since that's not going to happen I just want you to know that I'm going to start my own baseball preview magazine. It's going to be entirely written by first graders and something tells me that it'll be better written that yours.
Sincerely,
A 'disappointed' reader
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Yes, There Is a GOD!!!!
And that's coming from an athiest! I might have to change my religious views after picking up the NY Post yesterday and learning that in the new Vanity Fair my girlfriend (she just doesn't know it yet) Keira Knightley will be posing partially nude with fellow Hollywood hottie Scarlett Johnasson for their annual Hollywood edition.
Apparently, my affection for Keira is felt by others as this revelation was quickly becoming the stuff of water cooler legend. Even reputable news source CNN picked up the story on their website.
The only thing that could have made this issue hotter was if Rachel McAdams was in the spread too and it turns out she almost was but balked after learning of the nudity. Too bad. That would have been the highest selling Vanity Fair of all time. It probably still will be. And that's just from the copies I'll be buying. Forget my car down payment or first month's rent in Florida. This is more important!
Apparently, my affection for Keira is felt by others as this revelation was quickly becoming the stuff of water cooler legend. Even reputable news source CNN picked up the story on their website.
The only thing that could have made this issue hotter was if Rachel McAdams was in the spread too and it turns out she almost was but balked after learning of the nudity. Too bad. That would have been the highest selling Vanity Fair of all time. It probably still will be. And that's just from the copies I'll be buying. Forget my car down payment or first month's rent in Florida. This is more important!
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
The day after the Super Bowl is famous for two things: 1. The losing team pointing fingers at bad calls made by the officials. And 2. In depth analysis of all the multi million dollar ad campaigns. Since I've already ripped the officiating, saying amongst other things that they acted more like blind mice than zebras, it's time to analyze the best and worst commercials as only I can.
Keep in mind though that my only criteria for judging is that a good commercial is one in which Brian, Russell, Joanne, and I laughed and a bad commercial is one in which we didn't.
The Good:
1. The Don't Judge Too Quickly series in particular the one in the hospital with the doctor zapping a bug and declaring him dead just as the patient's family walks in.
2. The Magic Fridge - This commercial looked eerily familar like I had seen it before or even dreamt it up myself but nonetheless an instant classic. Beer commercials more than any other product's commercials should be funny so you remember them like the Budweiser talking frog series. Similarly this one will resonate for a while.
3. The Fedex commercial with the cavemen. Historically inaccurate since cavemen and dinosaurs didn't roam the Earth at the same time but still a very good spot regardless. The cruel twist of irony at the end was priceless.
4. The mastercard commercial with McGvyer. If only because it was a commercial with the greatest tv star of the 80's. The only thing better would have been a spot with the A Team.
The bad:
1. The Burger King whoppettes - some people in my test group actually liked this spot, especially the ending with all the toppings piling on each other. I however, couldn't stand the song and dance routine. It reminded me too much of a bad episode of the Drew Carey Show. The only thing that was missing was Mimi.
2. The Diet Pepsi can campaign - trying to market a can that doesn't do anything other than fizzle as a pop star has got to be one of the worst ideas of all time. Just because it's soda pop doesn't mean there's an obvious transition there to pop culture. It was such a stretch that it would have made Gumbi proud. The fact that P.Diddy was in it just made it that much worse. The man can't find a band or settle on a name. Why should I buy something he's endorsing? And Jackie Chan co-starring alongside a pepsi can? At least that's better than some of Chan's other recent co-stars like Chris Tucker and Jennifer Love Hewitt.
3. Any regular commercial - why waste money on releasing a straight forward ad even if it's for a new product like Gillette's new five blade razor. Only comical spots should air during the game.
4. Similarly don't air tired old ad campaigns like the Career Builder monkey spots. The Super Bowl is the time to break out fresh material and try it out on the biggest audience of the year.
All in all, there were a few good spots and a few ones that were so bad I've already forgotten them. The best part about the entire night though had to have been all the Lost promos and lest I forget the trailer for the Pirates of the Caribbean trailer. Posedion also looks like the kind of big budget action movie that I will run out to see even if Will Smith isn't in it.
Otherwise it was a pretty non descript night. Let's just hope that for next year's game they come up with some more creative stuff.
Keep in mind though that my only criteria for judging is that a good commercial is one in which Brian, Russell, Joanne, and I laughed and a bad commercial is one in which we didn't.
The Good:
1. The Don't Judge Too Quickly series in particular the one in the hospital with the doctor zapping a bug and declaring him dead just as the patient's family walks in.
2. The Magic Fridge - This commercial looked eerily familar like I had seen it before or even dreamt it up myself but nonetheless an instant classic. Beer commercials more than any other product's commercials should be funny so you remember them like the Budweiser talking frog series. Similarly this one will resonate for a while.
3. The Fedex commercial with the cavemen. Historically inaccurate since cavemen and dinosaurs didn't roam the Earth at the same time but still a very good spot regardless. The cruel twist of irony at the end was priceless.
4. The mastercard commercial with McGvyer. If only because it was a commercial with the greatest tv star of the 80's. The only thing better would have been a spot with the A Team.
The bad:
1. The Burger King whoppettes - some people in my test group actually liked this spot, especially the ending with all the toppings piling on each other. I however, couldn't stand the song and dance routine. It reminded me too much of a bad episode of the Drew Carey Show. The only thing that was missing was Mimi.
2. The Diet Pepsi can campaign - trying to market a can that doesn't do anything other than fizzle as a pop star has got to be one of the worst ideas of all time. Just because it's soda pop doesn't mean there's an obvious transition there to pop culture. It was such a stretch that it would have made Gumbi proud. The fact that P.Diddy was in it just made it that much worse. The man can't find a band or settle on a name. Why should I buy something he's endorsing? And Jackie Chan co-starring alongside a pepsi can? At least that's better than some of Chan's other recent co-stars like Chris Tucker and Jennifer Love Hewitt.
3. Any regular commercial - why waste money on releasing a straight forward ad even if it's for a new product like Gillette's new five blade razor. Only comical spots should air during the game.
4. Similarly don't air tired old ad campaigns like the Career Builder monkey spots. The Super Bowl is the time to break out fresh material and try it out on the biggest audience of the year.
All in all, there were a few good spots and a few ones that were so bad I've already forgotten them. The best part about the entire night though had to have been all the Lost promos and lest I forget the trailer for the Pirates of the Caribbean trailer. Posedion also looks like the kind of big budget action movie that I will run out to see even if Will Smith isn't in it.
Otherwise it was a pretty non descript night. Let's just hope that for next year's game they come up with some more creative stuff.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Seattle Got Screwed
That's right I said it. And I'm not going to mince words either. Seattle got screwed. Last night in Super Bowl XL the Pittsburgh Steelers didn't win one for the thumb. The National Football League gave them one for the thumb.
I guess it made for a good story. What with Jerome Bettis announcing that the Bus had made it's finaly stop after he hoisted the Vince Lombardi trophy. What with Bill Cowher finally shedding the loser label as his wife and kids hugged him joyoulsy on the sidelines after the game. What with legendary owner Don Rooney finally getting his elusive fifth ring.
Those are touching stories and I guess the NFL wanted the Steelers to win for those reasons. But it shouldn't have been this way. Pro wrestling is fixed. Heck, even boxing is fixed. But the NFL shouldn't be. And yet now on the morning after the big game I have my doubts.
Maybe I'm just a crazy conspiracy theorist who believes that aliens helped build the Great Pyramids and that a Dick Cheney clone is currently the Vice President of the United States after the real Dick Cheney died of a heart attack three years ago. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm onto something.
I mean, Ben Roethlisberger clearly didn't get across the goal line on his now infamous dive. That call was worse than the phantom knockout in 'Snake Eyes'. That holding call that took back a long passing by that would have given the Seahawks first and goal on the 2 yard line? Puhlease, that was the worst call of all time. Only to be outdone by the offensive pass interference call that negated a Darrell Jackson first quarter touchdown. Or the long Peter Warrick punt return that was called back. And no one is even making a big stink about the fact that the play in which a Seahawks player hit the pilon while falling out of bounds was never even reviewed. He may have been out before he touched the pilon but how do you not review that?
And those were just the five big plays that stand out. I'm sure there were countless other examples. It just seemed as though every time the Seahawks had a big gain it was negated. But when the Steelers did there were no penalties. Like I'm supposed to be believe that Willie Parker can break free for a 60 yard td run without their being holding. This is Willie "Peter" Parker we're talking about. Not Walter Payton.
As far as I'm concerned the NFL should be ashamed of themselves. This win is tainted and everyone from Seattle to Pittsburgh knows it.
I guess it made for a good story. What with Jerome Bettis announcing that the Bus had made it's finaly stop after he hoisted the Vince Lombardi trophy. What with Bill Cowher finally shedding the loser label as his wife and kids hugged him joyoulsy on the sidelines after the game. What with legendary owner Don Rooney finally getting his elusive fifth ring.
Those are touching stories and I guess the NFL wanted the Steelers to win for those reasons. But it shouldn't have been this way. Pro wrestling is fixed. Heck, even boxing is fixed. But the NFL shouldn't be. And yet now on the morning after the big game I have my doubts.
Maybe I'm just a crazy conspiracy theorist who believes that aliens helped build the Great Pyramids and that a Dick Cheney clone is currently the Vice President of the United States after the real Dick Cheney died of a heart attack three years ago. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm onto something.
I mean, Ben Roethlisberger clearly didn't get across the goal line on his now infamous dive. That call was worse than the phantom knockout in 'Snake Eyes'. That holding call that took back a long passing by that would have given the Seahawks first and goal on the 2 yard line? Puhlease, that was the worst call of all time. Only to be outdone by the offensive pass interference call that negated a Darrell Jackson first quarter touchdown. Or the long Peter Warrick punt return that was called back. And no one is even making a big stink about the fact that the play in which a Seahawks player hit the pilon while falling out of bounds was never even reviewed. He may have been out before he touched the pilon but how do you not review that?
And those were just the five big plays that stand out. I'm sure there were countless other examples. It just seemed as though every time the Seahawks had a big gain it was negated. But when the Steelers did there were no penalties. Like I'm supposed to be believe that Willie Parker can break free for a 60 yard td run without their being holding. This is Willie "Peter" Parker we're talking about. Not Walter Payton.
As far as I'm concerned the NFL should be ashamed of themselves. This win is tainted and everyone from Seattle to Pittsburgh knows it.
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