In honor of Super Bowl Extra Large I've decided to pick the girls of the third annual lingerie bowl as my girlfriends of the week.
It was a no brainer really since you can't find a better half time show anywhere else. Waldrobe malfuncations. Lip syncing. Been there, done that.
None of it can even come close to a bunch of scantily glad models who know nothing about football running around in thongs trying to tackle each other as Lawrence Taylor yells instructions from the sidelines while trying to conceal his bonor.
So get your tivo's ready it's almost game time.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Week In Review
Random thoughts from the last week:
How come some words have more than one meaning? What did they run out of words when they were assigning meanings to things that they had to go back and start doubling up? Why couldn't they just create more words? Snoop dog and my friend Tommy do it all the time!
Am I the only person who sees two cop cars idling next to each other in a parking lot and thinks drug deal?
Why do some people wash their hands before they go to the bathroom?
I hate whenever I go to say hello to someone and only a littel whimper comes out. Sometimes it's barely even audible. And now that person thinks that I didn't say hello back to them.
If a basketball player goes to dunk the ball and gets stuffed by the rim does the rim get credited with a blocked shot?
You gotta love New York weather. You can wear shorts in the winter and a fur coat in the summer. One day its warm, the next its cold. Oh yeah, there's nothing wrong with the ozone layer.
Why do some websites still give you an example of how to write an email address? Do people still not know what an email address is?
I have the worst luck. I went to the Knicks game on Friday night and of course Natalie Portman also went to the game...but on Tuesday.
Whoever said that the hurricanes that hit Florida last year were because God was punishing Florida for electing Bush president had the line of the week.
How come sports arenas can show celebrities on their big screens as a way of showing everyone else that their game is the place to be without having to pay those celebrities for being a spokesperson for them?
How come I haven't heard more people referring to Super Bowl 40 as being extra large?
How come some words have more than one meaning? What did they run out of words when they were assigning meanings to things that they had to go back and start doubling up? Why couldn't they just create more words? Snoop dog and my friend Tommy do it all the time!
Am I the only person who sees two cop cars idling next to each other in a parking lot and thinks drug deal?
Why do some people wash their hands before they go to the bathroom?
I hate whenever I go to say hello to someone and only a littel whimper comes out. Sometimes it's barely even audible. And now that person thinks that I didn't say hello back to them.
If a basketball player goes to dunk the ball and gets stuffed by the rim does the rim get credited with a blocked shot?
You gotta love New York weather. You can wear shorts in the winter and a fur coat in the summer. One day its warm, the next its cold. Oh yeah, there's nothing wrong with the ozone layer.
Why do some websites still give you an example of how to write an email address? Do people still not know what an email address is?
I have the worst luck. I went to the Knicks game on Friday night and of course Natalie Portman also went to the game...but on Tuesday.
Whoever said that the hurricanes that hit Florida last year were because God was punishing Florida for electing Bush president had the line of the week.
How come sports arenas can show celebrities on their big screens as a way of showing everyone else that their game is the place to be without having to pay those celebrities for being a spokesperson for them?
How come I haven't heard more people referring to Super Bowl 40 as being extra large?
Friday, February 03, 2006
Super Bowl Preview
Well it's that time again. Time to get all your friends together to watch the big game. Aka that thing that's on in between all the commercials. Seriously, if the Super Bowl wasn't the offical coming out party for new commericals would anybody not in Seattle or Pittsburh even watch? Maybe if they were in an office box pool. But other than that probably not.
Such is American football. It's our national pastime, sorry baseball, and yet it only is because of point spreads, commercials, and the fantasy sports craze. The actual game, aside from the occasional bone jarring hit isn't even that exciting. Come on don't look at me like that. You can't actually think that watching two 300 pound lineman pushing each other around is a great sport. If you like that why not just watch sumo wrestling. Trust me ordering the Direct TV sumo package would be a whole hell of a lot cheaper than the Sunday NFL ticket.
Anyway since so many people do care I might as well make my world renowned Shames-o-matic prediction. Unfortunately for my reputation this is a hard game to predict. I can envision scenarios under which both teams can win. First off, the Seahawks were 13-3 and the NFC's #1 seed and yet find themselves as underdogs to the AFC's 6th seed. That disrespect factor could fire up the whole team and inspire them to the victory. It doesn't hurt that they have the NFL MVP running the ball for them, a very good QB in Matt Hasselback and a highly underrated defense that can take over the game.
On the other hand the Steelers are playing inspired ball themselves trying to win one for the thumb while alse sending Jerome Bettis off into the sunset with a ring in his hometown. They also have the Patriots factor going for them. What I mean by that is that the Patriots ran out onto the field as one unit instead of coming out to individual player introductions when they won against the Rams.
In terms of inspirational coaching decisions the Steelers have decided to play in their road uniforms to continue their theme of being road warriors, having to win three times on the road just to get to the Super Bowl. They've been playing their best ball with their back to the wall so it makes sense that they would volunteer to do that again. The only question that remains is which inspirational factor and storyline will prevail? Will it be the road warrior Steelers with Big Ben and the Bus? Or the disrespected Seahawks with the 12th man in their corner? I honestly don't know.
The scenario that keeps playing out the most in my head is that the Steelers dominate the game physically. Play smash mouth football and run the ball down the Seahawks throats. They go up big late, say 10 points with 6 minutes left, and decide on a 4th and 1 from the Seahawks 40 to go for the first down rather than try a long field goal or poach punt. Bettis gets stuffed, the Seahawks take over on downs score a quick TD, recover the onside kick, hit the game tying field goal with 5 seconds left and send the game into over time. They then win the coin flip with QB Matt Hasselbeck talking trash to Steelers' LB Joey Porter while the coin is in the air to set the tone for the OT. In OT, Shaun Alexander claims the MVP with a game winning 60 yard run that goes down in history as one of the greatest individual efforts ever. Alexander finishes with 2 touchdowns and 208 yards.
In short, the Steelers dominant but choke and the Seahawks pull off the upset. Now what say you to that?
Such is American football. It's our national pastime, sorry baseball, and yet it only is because of point spreads, commercials, and the fantasy sports craze. The actual game, aside from the occasional bone jarring hit isn't even that exciting. Come on don't look at me like that. You can't actually think that watching two 300 pound lineman pushing each other around is a great sport. If you like that why not just watch sumo wrestling. Trust me ordering the Direct TV sumo package would be a whole hell of a lot cheaper than the Sunday NFL ticket.
Anyway since so many people do care I might as well make my world renowned Shames-o-matic prediction. Unfortunately for my reputation this is a hard game to predict. I can envision scenarios under which both teams can win. First off, the Seahawks were 13-3 and the NFC's #1 seed and yet find themselves as underdogs to the AFC's 6th seed. That disrespect factor could fire up the whole team and inspire them to the victory. It doesn't hurt that they have the NFL MVP running the ball for them, a very good QB in Matt Hasselback and a highly underrated defense that can take over the game.
On the other hand the Steelers are playing inspired ball themselves trying to win one for the thumb while alse sending Jerome Bettis off into the sunset with a ring in his hometown. They also have the Patriots factor going for them. What I mean by that is that the Patriots ran out onto the field as one unit instead of coming out to individual player introductions when they won against the Rams.
In terms of inspirational coaching decisions the Steelers have decided to play in their road uniforms to continue their theme of being road warriors, having to win three times on the road just to get to the Super Bowl. They've been playing their best ball with their back to the wall so it makes sense that they would volunteer to do that again. The only question that remains is which inspirational factor and storyline will prevail? Will it be the road warrior Steelers with Big Ben and the Bus? Or the disrespected Seahawks with the 12th man in their corner? I honestly don't know.
The scenario that keeps playing out the most in my head is that the Steelers dominate the game physically. Play smash mouth football and run the ball down the Seahawks throats. They go up big late, say 10 points with 6 minutes left, and decide on a 4th and 1 from the Seahawks 40 to go for the first down rather than try a long field goal or poach punt. Bettis gets stuffed, the Seahawks take over on downs score a quick TD, recover the onside kick, hit the game tying field goal with 5 seconds left and send the game into over time. They then win the coin flip with QB Matt Hasselbeck talking trash to Steelers' LB Joey Porter while the coin is in the air to set the tone for the OT. In OT, Shaun Alexander claims the MVP with a game winning 60 yard run that goes down in history as one of the greatest individual efforts ever. Alexander finishes with 2 touchdowns and 208 yards.
In short, the Steelers dominant but choke and the Seahawks pull off the upset. Now what say you to that?
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Help, I need money!!!!!
As I continue to solidify my plans to go to Florida I realized that I'm going to need a boatload of money to offset the high cost of being a high roller in Boca Raton. The kind of cash that I won't be able to make on a teacher's salary or temping. The kind of money befitting a man whose initials are C for cents and S for the dollar sign.
As such, I've though of a few ways to raise funds. Let me know what you think of these:
1. Craigapolooza - Like Mitchapolooza from Old School except Snoop Dog won't be performing and I won't wind up banging Elisha Cuthbert. Most likely outcome is that I charge $10 at the door and wind up making $20 after only Brian and Russell show up.
2. Sell my body to science - They could do experiments to determine if I really am a direct descendant of Big Foot.
3. Enter a sleep apnea study - Just for Erin.
4. Give multiple 'donations' to a sperm bank - scarry thought isn't it. A bunch of little Craigs running around. Don't worry this scenario is the least likely to happen....or is it?
5. Ask my therapist for my money back - she clearly didn't do a very good job.
6. Collect on all my debts - Ryan Carillo, you cheap bastard, you still owe me $10 from 7th grade fantasy baseball! You may have moved to Connecticut but you can't hide from me!
7. Ask my ex gf to pay me back for all the times I paid for her while we were dating plus interest - should come out to about $3,000!
8. Sell my baseball card collection - but if I get rid of all my Derek Jeter rookie cards what will I masturbate to?
9. Have a garage sale - One man's garbage is another man's treasure.
10. Have a bake sale or car wash - Would get me ready for going back to high school.
As such, I've though of a few ways to raise funds. Let me know what you think of these:
1. Craigapolooza - Like Mitchapolooza from Old School except Snoop Dog won't be performing and I won't wind up banging Elisha Cuthbert. Most likely outcome is that I charge $10 at the door and wind up making $20 after only Brian and Russell show up.
2. Sell my body to science - They could do experiments to determine if I really am a direct descendant of Big Foot.
3. Enter a sleep apnea study - Just for Erin.
4. Give multiple 'donations' to a sperm bank - scarry thought isn't it. A bunch of little Craigs running around. Don't worry this scenario is the least likely to happen....or is it?
5. Ask my therapist for my money back - she clearly didn't do a very good job.
6. Collect on all my debts - Ryan Carillo, you cheap bastard, you still owe me $10 from 7th grade fantasy baseball! You may have moved to Connecticut but you can't hide from me!
7. Ask my ex gf to pay me back for all the times I paid for her while we were dating plus interest - should come out to about $3,000!
8. Sell my baseball card collection - but if I get rid of all my Derek Jeter rookie cards what will I masturbate to?
9. Have a garage sale - One man's garbage is another man's treasure.
10. Have a bake sale or car wash - Would get me ready for going back to high school.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Media Day
Yesterday was the incredibly over hyped Super Bowl media day where all the media whores on both teams suck up to the ass clowns with media credentials. It's pointless really but did give me the idea to create a media day of my own in which I come up with what questions I would ask athletes and celebrities if given the chance. Enjoy:
Mary Kate Olsen - Why did you give yourself an eating disorder by thinking that Ashley was the hot one when you look EXACTLY the same?
Ben Roethlisberger - Which do you like better, the RoethlisBURGER or the Big Ben Burger?
Bill Cowher - Did you have anything to do with the security gate coming down, causing one of the Seahawks vans with Matt Hasselback and Shaun Alexander in it to get banged up?
Jake Gyllenhaal - Would you rather be remembered as Bubble Boy or a gay cowboy?
Martin Sheen - Since you played a President on tv and had the highest possible security clearance could you tell me who killed Kennedy and what's in Area 51.
Tom Cruise - Is the Church of Scientology brainwashing you?
Keira Knightley - Can I buy you a drink?
Brittany Snow - Will you marry me?
Sophia Bush - Are you looking for a rebound?
Natalie Portman - Are you looking for a nice jewish boy?
James Dolan - Is it really necesary for you to charge $4.50 for a 20 oz. bottle of coke?
Hurley from Lost - How come you've been desserted on an island for two months and haven't lost any weight yet?
Stephon Marbury - Can you start scoring 30 points per game again? It would really help my fantasy team. Thanks.
Rocky - When you eat are you actually hungry or do you just like to eat?
God - Why did you make me so hairy?
Mary Kate Olsen - Why did you give yourself an eating disorder by thinking that Ashley was the hot one when you look EXACTLY the same?
Ben Roethlisberger - Which do you like better, the RoethlisBURGER or the Big Ben Burger?
Bill Cowher - Did you have anything to do with the security gate coming down, causing one of the Seahawks vans with Matt Hasselback and Shaun Alexander in it to get banged up?
Jake Gyllenhaal - Would you rather be remembered as Bubble Boy or a gay cowboy?
Martin Sheen - Since you played a President on tv and had the highest possible security clearance could you tell me who killed Kennedy and what's in Area 51.
Tom Cruise - Is the Church of Scientology brainwashing you?
Keira Knightley - Can I buy you a drink?
Brittany Snow - Will you marry me?
Sophia Bush - Are you looking for a rebound?
Natalie Portman - Are you looking for a nice jewish boy?
James Dolan - Is it really necesary for you to charge $4.50 for a 20 oz. bottle of coke?
Hurley from Lost - How come you've been desserted on an island for two months and haven't lost any weight yet?
Stephon Marbury - Can you start scoring 30 points per game again? It would really help my fantasy team. Thanks.
Rocky - When you eat are you actually hungry or do you just like to eat?
God - Why did you make me so hairy?
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