College Basketball Preview

Ah, college. Stale beer, soggy pizza, and enough memories of Jose Juan Barra splitting two defenders and finishing with a reverse layup to last a lifetime. Just kidding about that last part. That never happened. And if it did, no one was there to see it.

That's because basketball at Northeastern was about as wide spread as clymidia amongst celebrant nuns. About as well attended as the funeral of a hermit. Discussed about as much as that time you walked in on your parents having sex.

That's hardly the case around the country though as college basketball is to the masses as NASCAR is to the hicks. It's so good that we watch even though we can't stand listening to Dick Vitale. And we keep watching even though the players leave school faster than a recently consumed Big Mac leaves your body.

As such, it's only fitting that I whet your appetite for March Madness with a little something I like to call: a college basketball preview. So without further adieu here are my predictions for the coming year in your definitive guide to all things basketball:

By the end of the year Duke guard JJ Redick will have more illegitimate children than Wilt Chamberlain.

Highlights from that Maui Invitational semi-final game between Gonzaga and Michigan State will be replayed on ESPN more than reruns of CSI on Spike TV.

UCONN swingman Rudy Gay will get made fun of more than Michael Jackson, priests, and polish people at an open mic night.

Texas' football and basketball teams will both hold down the #2 ranking all season but neither will win the national championship.

Millions of girls will enter their office pools in March using picks their boyfriends made.

Kentucky's Rondo will dribble more than a nursery full of toddlers.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that UNC after losing their top 8 scorers from a year ago will NOT repeat as champions. Instead:

Duke, Michigan State, Gonzaga, and UCONN will make the Final Four but I'll pick the Spartans to lose in the first round in my bracket just to spite Leigh's boyfriend who went there.

And UCONN will win it all.