ABA Bans Shames From Pitching

Here's another parody article that I wrote for my softball team's blog. You can check out more articles like this one at www.gamersallaccess.blogspot.com

Long Island, NY - After receiving numerous complaints from his umpires throughout the summer about games taking way too long to complete, ABA's Nassau County Director of Softball Operations, Scott Matson, finally took action, banning Gamer's starting pitcher, Craig Shames, from pitching.

To announce his decision, Matson sent a memo to all 35 Nassau County umpires employed by ABA. The memo, which All Access has obtained a copy of, stated that not only was Shames banned from pitching for the remainder of the summer season but also stated that he couldn't pitch in the coming fall season as well.

Wary that Shames might try to join another league or even drive out to another state to try to pitch, Matson also forwarded the memo electronically to every umpire in the Tri State Area.

To help the umpires identify Shames in the event he should try to pitch in a game they are calling, Matson sent them several pictures of Chewbacca, Big Foot, Arthur the Aardvark, Harry Potter, Jimmy Neutron, Curious George, Waldo and several other animated characters. Underneath each picture there was a caption that read, "Shames may appear to look like this to you."

The memo did state one condition though under which Shames could wind up pitching again this year. That would be a scenario in which the Gamers are winning by a large margin as they were this past weekend against the Hurricanes. In such a circumstance, instead of giving the opposing team six consecutive outs to try and make a comeback they will instead still only get three but Shames would be the pitcher for that inning.

After hearing of the ban, Shames said, "this is some grade A, USDA approved bullshit. I'm a great pitcher. I don't hear anyone on the opposing teams complaining. It's only those stupid umpires who are tired of standing out in the heat all day. They need to sac up before I throw some strikes all over their faces. "

Others though were a lot happier with the ruling.

Steve, the umpire who called the games this past Saturday and whose profanity laced email to Matson finally lead to the ban being implemented, said, "it's for his own good really. At the rate he was walking people at, it was only a matter of time before his own teammates turned on him and kicked him off the team entirely. At least this way he still gets to hit."

Dave Kheel and Rob Roll could not be reached for comment because they were out celebrating the decision.