While I was waiting for my car to get fixed I went into a nearby Applebee's to get something to eat. Instead of ordering some food, I sat down at the bar because if there was ever a time to get a drink this was it. I ordered my patented screwdriver and watched sports highlights on ESPN.
Over time I struck up a conversation with the bartender, an unsavory character named Chuck. He asked me what I was up to and as I told him that I was on my way to Florida I could sense movement behind me. Apparently I had aroused the suspicions of a group of college students from George Mason University. With the Final Four in full swing they were gung ho about George Mason and hated everything related to Florida. Including me!
The leader of the group, a fast talking, backwards hat wearing, keg stand drinking ass clown walked up to me, looked me up and down, and then proceeded to grab my shirt collar into a bunch slightly choking me. As he pulled me closer to him he said, "we don't like your kind in these parts. Why don't you step outside and show us how tough you Florida boys really are."
I should have just corrected him and said that I was really from New York and actually rooting for George Mason to win but at that point I was too tired to argue so I followed them outside. As we got out into the parking lot I started to have flashbacks to the last fight I was in when I shattered Brian Feldman's face in five places. This looked like it would be different though because there were six liquored up college guys surrounding me each one with a pitt bull look in their eyes.
Figuring that I was about to receive the beating of a lifetime I knew that I once again had to think fast. Luckily for me, there was a guy on a business trip who looked a lot like Florida head coach Billy Donovan complete with greased back black hair walking through the parking lot. So I did as any red blooded American would and yelled out, "hey isn't that Billy Donovan over there!" Before that guy knew what hit him he had six guys pummeling him and I was on my way back to Goodyear.
It was pretty much smooth sailing from there until I got towards the southern part of North Carolina. It was at that point that two cop cars appeared out of nowhere and started giving chase to me. I was only doing 80 mph in a 70 mph zone so I didn't think it was related to speeding. Worried that they were only after me because of my New York license plate, I pressed on.
For about the next half hour I outran the cops at speeds well over 100 mph. I felt like I was on an episode of the World's Craziest Police Chases when suddenly the cops stopped giving chased. I couldn't figure out why at first but not one to question my sudden change of fate I slowed down and joined the rest of the cars doing 65 mph in the right lane. Looking around at my surroundings, checking to make sure there weren't more cops pursuing me, I quickly realized why they had stopped pursuing me. I was now in an area called 'South of the Border', a tourist attraction between North and South Carolina thats supposed to mimic the experience of going to Mexico complete with the world's greatest miniature golf course. Apparently, the cops thought that they would be going out of their jurisdiction if they crossed 'the border' and stopped giving chase. It never occured to them that it wasn't a real border and just a tourist attraction still within U.S. borders. Man, you gotta love Southern intellect.
It truly was smooth sailing from there as I didn't run into any more car trouble, cop trouble, or college kid trouble. After a pit stop in South Carolina saturday night I arrived in Coral Springs, Florida in time for dinner on Sunday night. A long, tiring journey but well worth it. Take that, Frodo Baggins.
***Tune in tomorrow to find out what really happened on my trip!***
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