What's Up With Florida?

One week in and I'm a little bit confused. I don't understand how people can live under these conditions. Sure it's a simpler life style. More laid back for sure. But this is taking it too far. The way of life that I had grown accustomed to in New York is a foreign concept to these people. I just might have to run for public office so that I can fix this place up. Consider:

1. There are no delis!!!! - If you want to get a sandwich you have to go the deli counter inside the Quickymart at the nearest gas station. Either that or pick them up in the grocery store. The problem with that is that you have to take a number and wait in line while every soccer mom in the town buys their grocieries for the week. Each order takes about 20 minutes so even if you are only 3 numbers away you still have to wait about an hour. It's not a system that's designed for the guy who just wants one sandwich.

That's why I don't understand why there are no deli's. The kind of place where you walk in and there's a long counter with salads, homemade side dishes, and of course Boar's Head deli meats. Throw in a couple of refrigerated sliding doors with drinks in them, a rack or two filled with chips, and a newspaper stand and you're in business. And yet no such place exists down here. When I ask my roommate why there are no delis he responds by saying yes there are they are just at Publix. That's not a deli! That's a deli counter in a supermarket!

Which is why I'm going to open a deli down here. It doesn't even have to be any good. I could probably call it 'The World's Worst Deli'. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I can get Roast Beef on a roll in under 10 minutes.

2. Everything is drawn to scale!!! - The other day, and I kid you not, it took me 45 minutes to walk around the block. Anytime you want to cross the street make sure you leave 10 minutes. That's because it takes five minutes just to look each way. It's crazy. And that's for me. Can you imagine how many times an old lady crosses the street and gets stuck in the middle of the road because the light changed too quickly. How you can design streets this wide with such an elderly population is beyond me.

This isn't a suburb. It's a small city. In fact, the population is approximately 11,700 which is about what a small city would be. The city planners need to rethink things here and cater more towards the demographics that make up their population.

Driving is also a pain in the ass. You're constantly making u-turns because there's never anywhere to turn left. Zoolander would not be able to live here. And I don't think I can either unless they shorten these streets!

3. Everything else! - As Yogi would say it gets late early. And I don't mean that in the wintery sense we're all accustomed to where it gets dark at 4:30. I mean that in that it'll feel like it's only 5 pm but it'll really be 9:30 pm. Which really can mess with your biological clock. Throw in a lizard to person ratio of 10:1, early bird specials, and old people driving and I honestly can't figure out how this place stays in business. Quick, somebody get me a small business loan!