Shames on Shames: Picky Eating

Barry Bonds isn't the only person who can have his own platform from where he self promotes and gives his side of the story. Thanks to blogger.com now I can have my own forum as well. Which is why all week long I'll be giving you all a rare introspective look at my inner thoughts as only I can. It's everything you ever wanted to know about Craig Shames from the man himself.

Up today, Shames on being a picky eater:

I think I have an eating disorder. And no it's not bulimia or anorexia. It actually has nothing to do with making myself through up, thinking I'm fat when I'm not, or hiding my food. Rather, it's about being a picky eater. I know that it's not technically an eating disorder but it probably should be.

I mean, I doubt that I'm the only person in the world who is fussy about what they eat. I always see people send food back in restaurants because it was undercooked, overcooked or not cooked just the way they wanted it. What about the person who can't eat something once it's 'contaminated' i.e. it touched another piece of food on their plate? It doesn't matter that all the food goes to the same place. What matters is how it gets there.

Millions of people around the world say things like 'hold the onions' or when ordering a piece of sicilian pizza 'can I get that corner piece' or when ordering a drink 'not too much ice'. And yet no one thinks twice about it or looks at them like they have three heads. And yet when I say that I don't want salad dressing on my salad or ketchup on my hamburger I'm some kind of freak. And that bothers me.

Why can everyone else be fussy and picky and narotic about the presentation or taste of their food and yet my personal preference to eat the majority of things that I eat plain, with nothing on it, gets scrutinized. Now I know exactly how Barry Bonds feels. Public scrutiny is more worse than any punishment MLB or the Grand Jury can throw at him. He's already wearing a scarlet letter S for steriods and sometimes I feel like I'm wearing a scarlet letter P for picky. And if I could rip that letter off my chest and bury it I would do so in a heartbeat.

I mean I just want to be left alone. I don't want to go into a deli and order roastbeef on a roll and have the deli clerk ask do you want cheese with that? Turkey? Mustard? Mayonoisse? Anything? Salt? Pepper? Are you sure? Just plain? Just plain Roast Beef? That's it? Is that really it? YES! Yes, you stupid bitch, that's all I wanted. Just plain roast beef on a roll! Did I stutter? Did I say something other than roast beef? No, I don't think so. So just shut your pie hole, stop asking me what else I want on it, and make the damned sandwich already!

Conversations like that happen everyday, the latter part in my head since I have yet to snap back at anyone. But I want to. And someday soon I probably will. And then I'll be committed to a mental institution for being the weird one. And yet I'm not weird. I just have a personal preference like everyone else. But since my preference is to actually taste the food that I'm eating and everyone else's preference is to cover up that taste with sauce I get ridiculed.

And that's not fair. Why should I feel bad for chosing to eat something without sauce? Maybe everyone else is weird for putting something on it. After all, what's the point of putting flavor onto something? If it's the sauce that you like maybe you should just sit there and eat packets of ketchup. If you're just going to cover up the taste of the hot dog why even eat one? And if the food that you are eating is flawed to the point where it needs to have flavor added to it then maybe we as a society should develop a way to make food taste better in the first place so that we won't have to add anything to it.

But you know something. If you did decide that all you wanted to eat was ketchup packets I would be okay with that. I wouldn't say anything to you. I wouldn't make fun of you. I probably wouldn't even notice. Never in my life have I commented on someone else's eating habits. Most of the time I don't even notice what they are doing. I'm too busy eating my own food to even look at what the other person's eating. It doesn't concern me and I'm not interested in knowing about it. I only wish that one day people can feel that same way about my eating habits. Until then I guess I'm just goin to have to accept the fact that I'm the weird one.

*Coming tomorrow, Shames on God, religion, and the meaning of life.